synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

OCEANVIEW PATHS

but we can leave our gilded cages.

Two worlds colliding
There ain't no bargaining
No giving in without a fight CODE BY TESSISAMESS

She's still apart of your life, Alan. I'm not--I'm not saying that it's a problem. It's just a fact. [ The headshake is barely visible, but she knows he will pick up on it. ] I don't expect or even want you to just move on from Alice as if she wasn't important. We both know she was the most important person to you. You married her. I know that.

[ A frown tugs at her face. ] Maybe we would have never met if it wasn't for her.

[ She nods slightly at the description of the titles. "Initiation" sounds familiar, even if she can't quite put a finger on why. Had he written that story too? It never came to reality like "Return" or "Departure" did. Was it inside the Dark Place and the Motel? She wishes she could remember more of that part of the AWE. She can't even find evidence inside the Motel that any of it happened.

« Was it just in my head? »

Her expression softens, twists, becomes vulnerable as he continues on. His thoughts clearly are matching what she had already believed. Alan was out of reach. He went diving too deeply. He spiraled too far. The confirmation--even if it is only his musings--is enough to make the feelings she was trying to control move to the surface.

« Alice was right. He had to save himself. »

Jesse looks down and to the side once more. She presses her lips together. Hands curl, clutching onto his hand and the keychain tightly. In the end there wasn't much she could do or even really did. Just... pointed the way for him to go back to the surface. She was powerless to do anything. No control over the situation at all. ]

She was there, in that room. With him. [ Her tone is biting and sharp. Factual. Bitter. Hurting. They aren't necessarily her emotions and she's certain he'll be able to realize that. ] She went there with him and everyone else. Waited for him to get what he needed from the shoebox and the manuscript page. She was ready to go with everything she had on her. Ready to follow him into the dark.

[ Then, her mouth curls into a deeper frown. Her eyebrows knit together. The expression on her face shows how she tries to control how she is feeling while everything else tries to burst out of her. These aren't her emotions. She felt something similar once. It wasn't to this degree. ]

I let you go. [ « It was the only way to end the story. I had to stop trying to make the story do what I wanted. Stop trying to control it. He doesn't know. I never told him. I had to keep it to myself so that... » ] I had to let you go.

He left her there.

[ Jesse hopes that he understands the differences without her needing to detail it. She hopes he understands why it is so upsetting. Not even just that. She needs him to understand that this isn't how she feels about "Return" or their relationship. This isn't her. But, the emotions are so strong that they're coming through to her now. Maybe it's because she met the other version of Alan. Maybe they're all connected because of Polaris and the Bright Presence. Jesse doesn't know, and at the moment, she doesn't really care if she does end up knowing.

She just wants the emotions that aren't hers to stop. ]

He left her there.

[ He lapses into a momentary silence as Jesse keeps speaking about Alice. He knows that it's true, that Alice will always be part of his life, even though he said his goodbyes and closed that chapter, but Jesse is part of his life too now, and he feels a need to respect that, and to respect her.

But how to reconcile the roles that both Alice and Jesse have played and are continuing to play? He knows he's not sure how to do that just yet, and as he thinks about it, his fingers curl more, unconsciously curling against the knee he's resting his hand against.

He doesn't like talking about any of this, about trying to fish for memories that seem out of reach at times, but he can't not talk about it either. Talking about it is helping to process it, even if it doesn't feel that way to him.

A stray thought enters his mind: could he one day write the real versions of Departure, Initiation, and Return, as he'd once intended them to be? Maybe he can't. Maybe he shouldn't. Who knows what the stories would be? They'd probably attract the attention of the FBC, not that he'd hide them from Jesse or anyone within the Bureau.

It's a thought that doesn't need resolution right now. What does need to be focused on is what Jesse's seen. ]

The room... the Well-Lit Room? I think that's what she called it. What was her name? [ He has to stop to think again, because he can't immediately recall the name of the woman who took care of the lights with dedicated diligence. ] I don't remember her name, now. So she was there, and I was there, except it wasn't me.

And then...

[ He feels his heart sink, and his expression darkens. Somehow, he knows what's coming next. He can't remember exactly how his departure from the room went for him, but it did involve leaving people behind. Of course it did. He couldn't go into the lake with them. He had to go alone.

Maybe that was always going to be the way it went. He left people behind back then, and he left Jesse behind again when it was time to bring the story to its final conclusion.

I don't know how she doesn't hate me. I don't know how everyone doesn't hate me. ]

It's my fault. It was my fault then, and it was my fault in Bright Falls. Even if that wasn't me who left her there, that still was my fault, because that was still me, just a different version.

[ He feels an ache asserting itself in his head as he tries to wrap his mind around all this, but he pushes it aside. It doesn't matter. ]

Leaving her there, leaving you behind- it's my fault.

[ His gaze lowers as if he can't stand looking her in the eyes right now. ]

I'm sorry.

[ Her gaze raises slightly as he speaks. So, he's lost more of his memories than she thought. Maybe those will come back in time? She hopes so. Less for documenting and archiving for the Buearu and more for his own piece of mind. She wants him to remember everything he can. He might stop feeling as if he is lost who Alan Wake is as a person if he can remember.

Her hand clamps around his once more. A sudden and sharp movement to get his attention. Green eyes stare into him. A shake of her head. The upset is obvious on her face, but her eyes have that firey determination of what she knows is the truth. The look that makes the light from Polaris in her eyes glow that much brighter. ]

No, Alan. [ Her voice is thick with the emotions that aren't her own. ] I could have kept you at Cauldron Lake. I could have made you work with Estevez and Steve. I could have gone with you back to Bright Falls; tried to make "Return" do what we wanted.

I didn't. I let you go. So you and Saga could finish the story. Put it all behind everyone and save who we could.

[ The distinction may seem small, but it is huge in Jesse's mind. Alan left her at the Lake. Yes. But, she could have done numerous things to change how it went. She could of used her powers to physically keep him there. Maybe hopped into the passenger side. She could have even been the one to drive the car.

None of those possibilities happened.

She let the story play out because she had to. Otherwise? It would be another loop. Another spiral down. Another attempt at getting what they wanted when the story was never going to give them their desires. "Return" wasn't designed with a happy ending in mind for Alan Wake. Only Scratch. They had to finally be realistic to that.

Then, Alan and Saga could change the ending. ]

She didn't get that option--that choice. She couldn't fight the story like I could have. [ « Because she and you aren't as tied together as we are. She hasn't gone through what I have yet. Maybe it will be sooner for her or maybe it'll be later. »

Polaris shifts in agreement. Or, something like it. ]

You can't apologize for him. He is a version of you but he's still not you. Okay? He has to apologize to her. He has to make it right. You telling me that won't help him or her. [ She pauses. ] And apologizing for "Return" won't do any of us any good. Not when I actively chose to be apart of letting it happen the way it did.

[ Then, she scoots closer to him. Her gaze drops once more as she swallow the emotions churning up inside her. ] I can stop here. Sharing everything she's feeling--making me feel--might not be what you want to hear.

Edited 2024-06-19 03:12 (UTC)

[ With his memories lost to time and all the loops, the best way that Alan can think of to describe himself is that he feels like he's half a man. He knows his name and the events of recent history, but what he did thirteen years ago at the start of all this seems like a mystery to him. He's working on not questioning whether or not Alan Wake is real; he knows he's real, but what he doesn't know is who he is.

What kinds of things does he like? What does he dislike? What is he good at other than writing?

I was back where I left off in the dark forest outside of Bright Falls: a flashlight in one hand, a gun in the other fighting against my own writing... Alice taken from me. Alice was taken from me, but Jesse was taken too. Taken because of my own choices. Taken because the story forced it to happen. I wanted to stay with her. I wanted her to come with me. But even though I knew what I wanted, I couldn't have that. We couldn't have that. It wasn't time for it.

But it still feels like it was my fault.

The pressure he feels on his hand causes him to lift his eyes to look at her; he felt the pressure and he felt the suddenness of her movement. Her green eyes seem to pierce him through, but he doesn't look away. Still, the fire in her eyes is in contrast to the confusion and regret in his. ]

No? What if I didn't try hard enough to write in what we were hoping for? What if I didn't use the right words to weave in what we wanted? I could have done it if I just tried hard enough. Maybe you wouldn't have had to go through that, through all that heartbreak. I could have done more. The writer, that's what I was. Did I write enough? Did I write the right things? I'm not so sure. What if all of it was "Return" pushing back? What if I pushed back more?

I know it's all pointless to talk about now, but I just can't get rid of this feeling that I should have done more. I could have done more.

[ Frown lines form on his forehead as he wrestles with these feelings of inadequacy. Of failure. ]

Maybe her story... our story... maybe it'll be different. Or maybe it'll be the same. [ For just a second, he sees a vision of a typewriter on a desk, and in an almost involuntary gesture, he stretches out his hands like he's about to place them on the typewriter keys. But the typewriter's not real. Alan's not writing anymore; he's not in the writer's room. He's safe with Jesse; the story's done, he doesn't have to fight to find the right ending now.

But there's a version of them out there somewhere that isn't safe. Their story isn't done. What about them?

Part of Alan recoils from the idea of trying to help the other versions of them, wherever they are. But can he just leave them to their fate too? He wants to put "Return" behind him, behind both of them. Can he do that if he's still thinking about the versions of themselves that exist in that other timeline? Maybe what he knows could help, if only he could find a way to reach them.

Jesse seems to be in tune with the other version of herself. Maybe Alan can find a way to reach his other self too. ]

Maybe apologizing won't do any good, but I can't just go on pretending that I don't have things to apologize for. I could spend the rest of my life trying to apologize to you.

[ He smiles slightly when she scoots in closer. He wants to be close to her. He doesn't want distance between them. But then he shakes his head and says: ]

You don't have to stop. I want to hear what she's feeling; what you're feeling. You can tell me whatever you want to talk about, and I'll listen. I promise.

[ Jesse takes his face into her hands. The cold still clings to both her hands, but also the metal of the keychain she has kept in an iron grip. Her eyes still never leave his. She just waits until his whole attention is back on her instead of the thoughts spiraling in his mind. ]

What if you didn't try hard enough? Alan. We looped around and around in "Return" so many times. Even I don't know how many times it was. We did everything we could. It didn't work. It wasn't our story, it was Scratch's story. That meant nothing we could do would give us what we wanted from it. Once we played by it's rules until you and Saga could change it? That's when we could actually do something. I... I had to try and stop controlling it. You had to be able to rise up and be the Champion of Light. We had to play our parts.

Don't ever think you never did enough for me. For us.

[ She moves his head to force his attention back on her the moment that his hands raise as if he is going to write again.

« NO. No, he's not doing this anymore. He doesn't HAVE to write to save anyone anymore. » ]

I don't want you to apologize forever. We're past it. If we keep going back to "Return", we're never going to get past it. You'll never feel like yourself again.

[ Her expression softens at his smile. ] You really want to hear all of it? Is it even a good idea to hear more of it?

[ She takes hold of his face, and he closes his eyes, focusing on the feel of her hands and reminding himself that this is real. He'll most likely have to keep reminding himself of that as they go about their day; that just seems to be part of his routine now: wake up, remind himself that this is real, get dressed, remind himself again... wash, rinse, repeat.

He opens his eyes again after about a minute, and they focus instantly on hers again. Maybe that's a skill of hers: drawing him in with just a look. It helps that her green eyes just pull his focus, but every time she looks at him, he can't help but look back at her. She certainly doesn't have to try hard to draw his attention. But now, a part of him wishes he could look away, because even the look in her eyes doesn't dispel his spiraling thoughts. ]

I know we did, but what if that was my fault too? Door said it, during one of our meetings. He thought I made up too many rules for myself, rules that weren't necessary. What if, instead of following self-imposed rules, I just used what I can do to write a more direct ending?

... I know what you're going to say: there's no point in spending time on what-ifs. We got to the end, and everyone was able to come home. That's what matters, right?

[ I won't tell her that I don't feel like the Champion of Light. Maybe I was just doing what she said: playing a part. Acting like the Champion. Too bad it feels like the act didn't become real. ]

All right... I'll try not to think like that, but it's not easy. It's- I can't change how I feel, but I'll do what I can.

[ Her reaction to the movement his hands makes is a visual echo of the inward recoiling sensation Alan feels in response to the automatic movement. There's no typewriter in front of him; he's holding Jesse's hands, and he's not in the Writer's Room. He's not even in the study. The unwanted image and memory came up without warning and it's left Alan with a sick feeling.

I never want to see a typewriter again. Not that it matters, but what happened to the typewriter Alice surprised me with?

The typewriter doesn't matter, even if a part of Alan wonders where it ended up. ]

Another thing that won't be easy for me. I think I spent so long feeling like I caused nothing but trouble for people that I felt like I had to apologize. But even if I did, I don't think anyone was listening. And I know I don't ever want to go back to "Return", so I just have to stop circling back to it.

[ I may never feel like myself again, but I don't want to tell her that... ]

How about this? I'll try as hard as I can to stop going back to "Return", and stop focusing on what happened in the loops. I can't promise that it'll be perfect, but I'll do my best.

[ His tone isn't quite the same as that confident one that Jesse loves, but it's almost like it's trying to reach that invisible marker. And then he nods a firm nod as if to indicate his resolve. ]

Maybe it's not a good idea, but- well, you know me, I'm not exactly a great example of good ideas either. I'd like to hear it, if you don't mind talking about it.

[ She's scooted herself closer to him, but he still feels a strong urge to just reach out and pull her towards him so that he can put his arms around her and hold her and offer her some form of comfort. ]

Edited 2024-06-20 08:15 (UTC)

Maybe you need the rules and he doesn't. I don't really care what he thinks or feels about you, "Return", or us. He isn't the thing that is important. We're important.

We got through the story.

You came home. We found each other. [ She presses the cold metal of the keychain against his cheek. ] Yeah, what matters. What's important. I know you and I see it differently. We don't agree perfectly. Maybe that's what makes it so we're not a perfect fit... but we work together anyways.

[ Jesse has the feeling he doesn't see himself as a hero, a Champion, or anything other than a failure. All he sees are those failures and shortcomings. The screw ups. The writer's block. The rocky marriage with Alice Wake. He can't see the good or the best version of himself that she sees.

The kicker? She knows she can't make him see what she sees. He had to realize it on his own.

Her fingers brush along his cheek bones. A nod. She can't expect him not to bring up the events leading to and during "Return." It's how they met. How they fell in love.

Which makes her wonder how their younger selves managed it.

Her gaze drops again. What can she say? She has already explained the key element. Abandonment versus sacrifice. She hates the terms but they are accurate to both her and her younger self. ]

... I'm not sure she realized why she reacted the way she did. She trusts him... and she loves him.

Edited 2024-06-20 09:42 (UTC)

We're important.

[ He echoes those words almost as soon as she says them. ]

But I wouldn't have gotten through the story if you hadn't been there. If you hadn't found me, or if I hadn't reached out to you.

[ He pauses for a moment, because he has to search deep into his memories to find the faint recollections of a message he sent a long time ago: a message reaching for a hero. He was desperate, but he knew what he needed, even if he didn't know then how this would all play out. He knew of the person named Faden and her guiding star, because of the visions that reached him inside the Dark Place. But even then, he couldn't have seen the twists and turns that the story would take.

He couldn't have known that a real connection would have formed between them on the basis of that attempt to reach out. Now he knows that he doesn't want to ever lose that connection. He doesn't ever want to lose Jesse. Even though he still finds himself plagued by doubt and haunted by the past, he knows one thing: he doesn't want to lose her. If she leaves him for any reason, he'll follow after her, even if she tells him to stop.

And this time, nothing's going to stop him from going after her. He already lost one person, someone he cared about deeply; he won't lose another person, not if he can help it. ]

I came home because I knew you were there. I came home because I wanted to have that life we talked about. I wanted to give you that life.

[ He pauses to catch his breath and to absorb what she's saying. For a long time, he's thought that he wasn't being good to her, that this relationship wasn't good for her. But no one is perfect, and he's definitely not. But their respective flaws find a way of fitting and not causing friction. Well, there's friction, but as Jesse said, they manage to work together even with it.

His lips turn up into a small smile as she brushes her fingers against his cheekbones. ] I love you. I love you like...

[ He pauses again, trying to bring to mind just the right words to describe how he feels about her. ]

An ocean when it meets the shore. A real ocean. [ No lakes, no oceans of the dark variety... a real ocean, maybe even a tropical one. Alan's not entirely sure where this train of thought is going, but it's the first image that came to mind.

The two of them don't always slide together easily; there's friction and sparks and sometimes disagreements, but they always manage to find a way to come together, just like a wave crashing on the shore. Maybe that's what he's thinking of. Or maybe he's just thinking nonsense. ]

Do you think she wonders if she shouldn't trust him? [ There's a part of him that would shy away from what he's about to say, but another part of him needs to know the answer. ] Do you regret trusting me?

[ He brushes his fingertips against her hand as he finally asks the question and settles back to wait for an answer. ]

[ Jesse gives a slightly pointed look. She's certain Alan would have found a way through "Return" without her. Not because she doubts her importance, but more, she has that much faith in Alan and him being able to find his answer. She knows he doesn't feel the same. It's clear he barely believes in himself to figure out how to eat or do anything but write.

« I just hope one day he sees it. He IS the Champion of Light. He IS more than just a hack writer. That day seems so far away... just like Dylan waking up. »

That small smile of hers touches her face. She's certain Alan would have kept finding a way home even if she wasn't present in the story. IF only that way he could finally put a stop to anything the Dark Presence and Scratch was trying to do with him. What they made him do. ]

Now we have it. We just need to make it work.

[ Her eyes soften as he continues on. That slight look of vulnerability comes to her gaze. She recalls a conversation she had with the other Alan. A joking question that had led to a serious answer. One that she could tell that the younger version of him hadn't been prepared to hear just yet.

He always knows the right words to say.

« He can be such an asshole sometimes. »

This time, however, the thought is made in a tone of endearment. ]

Really? Like an ocean? [ Jesse's tone is gentle and filled with something of poking fun at the word, but the meaning has clearly hit its mark. Maybe oceans aren't ruined for him after all. ] I'm guessing then that you're the wave and I'm the shore in this analogy? Or, do I have it wrong?

[ His question makes her shake her head at him. It feels sometimes they take one step forward then two backwards. ] No, I don't regret trusting you. No one else would have known how to put the AWE to an end. Even if it didn't end the way we wanted.

[ As for the other half? Jesse lets out a sigh. A tired sigh. Something that has a hint of longing that doesn't particularly belong to her. He'll catch the differences between her and the other version of her. He's perceptive like that. At least, with her he is. ]

I think... she won't know how she feels about trusting or loving him for a while. [ Her gaze drifts as she seemingly thinks over how she wants to describe the emotions she knows aren't her own. Almost like observing someone else and seeing what she sees. ] It's numb. Everything feels numb... then, there's some pain. Something broken inside that's going to bite at her for awhile. Then, she'll miss him... a lot. She'll want to trust him and love him, because she already does. It's telling herself that she's allowed to feel and trust those things. Maybe even believe that he feels the same way.

[ Jesse's green eyes drift back to his. They lock on. ] Does he? Feel the same, I mean.

[ « If they follow the same road we did? It's going to be a long time before they see each other again. 2010... then 2019 at the earliest. If it's the same path? She won't even really see him. It'll just be messages over the Hotline. Just something else she'll end up thinking is something she feels and knows and no one else does. More things for crazy Jesse Faden. I think she already feels that way. » ]

[ He sees that pointed look, and he knows why she's giving it to him, but he doesn't just see a look of pointed exasperation. He sees the belief she has in him, the faith, even, although he has no idea why anyone would ever have any kind of faith in him. He's nothing particularly special, and so much of what he made happen happened without him really being aware of it. Well, the writing was purposeful, for the most part, except for the times that he forces beyond him were making him write certain things. Maybe the times he was writing with purpose were brief and limited, compared to the times when forces outside himself made him write.

He's not really sure where one ends and the other begins. Even the things he saw in visions and dreams were things he saw involuntarily. What he can do seems to be passive compared to the active qualities other people seem to have. Well, one person in particular.

But her smile makes his stormy thoughts settle down. Somehow, she has a calming effect on him that he'd never be able to reach on his own. ]

Yeah. And we're going to make it work somehow. I know we'll figure it out somehow. Together.

[ His head tilts to one side as he notices that softening in her eyes. He notices most details about her: the subtle shifts in expression and tone. The way her mouth moves sometimes when she's thinking. How her eyes light up or darken depending on what emotion she's feeling at the time. Now, he wonders what's on her mind. Hopefully he hasn't upset her somehow. He knows he's upset her more than enough times already, and he never wants to upset her again if he can help it. ]

Yeah, an ocean. And yeah, you guessed it right. I- it's stupid, I know, but it's how I see us.

[ He has more imagery to go along with it, but he decides to keep those to himself for now. ]

Does it count as knowing if I was stumbling blindly through most of it? Maybe in the end, all we did was get lucky. Maybe the pieces just fell into place, but they could have just as easily fallen out of place. Maybe all that needed to happen was you or Saga choosing a different decision and it all would have fallen apart. I don't think I did much of anything, except write and hope I was doing the right thing.

[ But then he lets out a sigh. He's spiraling again in a way; he's looping back on himself, letting his doubts take the wheel, and if he keeps doing this, what little progress he's made will be undone. ]

It doesn't matter now, though. I'm home, the story's over. The AWE's over. Whether it was just because we got lucky or because I did what was needed to end it... it doesn't matter.

[ The sound of her sigh washes over him, and he reaches out to stroke her arms, not just her hands. He thinks she needs his comfort, or at least more of his touch, but if she pulls back, he'll refrain as well. ]

... That probably makes sense. I can't say how you felt or what you thought, but did you trust me at first? When you got those messages from me, through... what's that connection called again? [ The hotline messages feel like they were so long ago now that Alan only has dim memories of them. ] Either way, when you got those messages, did you think it was suspicious?

She shouldn't trust him right off, and as for loving him... well, that should take time too.

[ He doesn't comment further as she continues talking, because he senses that this is one of those times where he should listen rather than talk. Still, he keeps stroking her arms and hands so that she knows he's still paying attention. He's focused on her, but he's giving her room to talk. ]

Is that how you felt too? [ He can imagine she had a similar feeling whenever they were forced apart by the story. That feels like his fault too. Even if it's not, he's willing to shoulder the responsibility. So much of what happened in his responsibility, so he knows he has to take responsibility for it now that he's in a position to do so.

For just a second, Alan's eyes close as he tries to think. Tries to feel. He feels something shift; a wave seems to wash over him, bringing with it... what?

His mouth opens at the same time that his eyes open once more, and words just seem to spill out. ]

There's regret and guilt, but anger too. He's angry because he loves her and he doesn't want to leave her behind. But she can't come with him; it's not safe. That doesn't mean he's happy about it. It's not just anger, it's rage. Frustration. If he was holding something, he'd probably break it or throw it at a wall. Why? Because he's in love with her, and everything is trying to push them apart. Keep them apart. He doesn't like that. He hates it.

[ I hated it too. ]

He feels the same way. There's no doubt that he feels the same way.

[ Jesse has always seen things others can't or won't see about the world. How Alan is as a person might be one of those things as well. She can see who Alan Wake is, even if he can't because of the shadows his mind throws at him. If only she could help him see. Though, he still may not believe it even if someone points it out to him.

She laughs gently, almost like a giggle. ] I didn't say it was stupid, Alan. It's the way you'd describe something like this.

[ Alan has this way of pulling her in and feeling secure. Not only secure, but, as if she can truly stop for a moment and simply breathe. No need to be the Director or a parautalitarian. Just be a person, the girl from Ordinary, and be with him. The feeling only increases when he raises his hands and gently strokes along her arms. There is an urge to simply go back to bed and be under the covers with him once more. She's certain he can tell how cold her skin is and figure out that she has been in the window for a few hours now. ]

Polaris trusted you. That was enough for me at first. [ Jesse leans forward to place her forehead to his again. ] I was used to getting messages from random people on the Hotline by then.

All I knew about you was that you were that famous author who went missing years ago. That the Bureau had investigated what happened in Bright Falls. You were considered not only to be a parautalitarian, but... [ Jesse stops. Maybe she shouldn't explain the Prime Candiate Program. She imagines it would only upset him knowing what the Bureau did to Dylan. ] I was surprised that you reached me on the Hotline. Only dead people or people somewhere else had managed to get ahold of me on that frequency. But, really, it just made me curious as to why. Especially because the door to the Dark Place was open in the Motel. I could see you and supposedly Thomas Zane arguing... then it shut. I still don't understand any of that.

[ This time, Jesse falls quiet as Alan begins to describe what the younger version of him feels. It makes sense to her from what she knows of him. That Alan seemed quicker to anger, more able to focus on things, more reactive and more intune with his own thoughts. Maybe even more intune with certain things because he always seemed to be drawn to holding her hand. Touching her.

« Probably because I'm still Jesse Faden. Even if I'm not the one he loves. » ]

When I met him, he seemed like he was already decided on how he felt about her. [ Her tone is quiet and thoughtful then. ] I thought maybe it was just because ... I guess I wasn't sure how genuine he was about everything. If he really did love her or if it was just because he met me and somehow picked up on you and me.

[ Her shoulders sag. Eyes close. Jesse feels that familiar exhaustion drape over her. ] She already loves and trusts him. She's just afraid to admit it and it be something that is taken away. Not that it helped, because it was anyways.

For me? I was more worried you'd never remember us. Together. The stories were so different you can't compare them.

[ It's funny in a way that's not really funny at all. Alan used to be someone who could see things: visions, dreams, images... now he feels like he can't see anything anymore. It makes sense, in a rather uncomfortable way; how could he keep seeing visions of things that have happened or might happen when he can't even see how the next hour of the day is going to go for him? He can't see what might set him off or how he might react. In some ways, he feels like he's been blinded by the darkness, which feels like it should be a contradiction but somehow isn't. There's too much darkness in his mind, and that seems to be what's causing a good portion of his difficulties.

Something in him relaxes when he hears Jesse's gentle laugh. He trusts her, and he believes her, and it helps to hear her say she doesn't think his descriptions are stupid. ] No, but I'm sure what I say doesn't sound- Not normal, because we're not normal, but... Maybe it's just the side effect of being a writer. Still, you understood what I meant, didn't you?

[ She said she did, but if she told him that she didn't understand what his metaphor was supposed to mean, he'd explain. He'd probably use too many words doing it, but he'd be more than willing to explain.

He's glad that she feels safe with him; that he makes her feel like she can be herself. There's no expectations, no rules, no roles they have to play, not when it's just the two of them. And to him, that comes as a relief too. He's had to play roles himself, because the story demanded it. He can't remember each role with great distinction, but he's been the writer, the supposed hero of his own story (that apparently didn't go well), and other roles that he's most certainly forgotten about because his memory feels like it has more holes in it than a strainer.

But when he's with her, he's just himself. He's Alan Wake, even if the definition of who Alan Wake is seems to have been muddled just a bit. Jesse says otherwise, and he tries to hold onto that, but she already knows he has difficulty remembering his own identity.

Still, none of that seems to matter in these moments together. He keeps stroking her forearms, hoping the touch is comforting; being able to feel her is comforting to him, so he keeps doing it. He also hopes that by continuing to touch her, some of his warmth transfers to her too; he can feel how cold she is, which means she's been sitting here for a good amount of time. ]

I suppose that should mean that Polaris is a good judge of character. [ But even though Alan tries and puts in the best effort that he can, he knows she'll be able to tell that he doesn't truly believe that he's of particularly outstanding character himself. Maybe he's not the same man who acted out and caused trouble for the people he spent his time with, but he's done worse things than drink too much and cause trouble for the police.

He momentarily lapses into silence too so that he can try to recall the things she's talking about. Some of it, he remembers. The hotline calls are as clear in his mind as they're going to be. The apparent argument he had with Zane is less clear. ]

I should remember these things. I feel like a part of me knows that these things happened, but it feels like they happened to someone else. I feel... disconnected from my own life. I don't know if that even makes sense.

... Did I ask you once if I was even real?

[ He pauses again as they take turns speaking. She speaks, he listens, and then the roles switch. Maybe they do still play roles, in a way. It's not like the roles in a story, though. They're not in a story; the events playing themselves out are real, set into motion by them. Their choices, their motivations, even their worries. ]

I'd say that's a fair thing to wonder. I'm sure a lot of people wonder that about me even now. They definitely wondered that back then. That's something I do remember. But even though he and I might be on different paths, I know that I can say he definitely loved her. Because even though that other version of you might be different from you, she couldn't be so different as to be someone not worth loving.

[ He huffs out a quiet laugh. ] Maybe it's like that line they use in old romantic movies: I'd love you in any lifetime and in any timeline too. And hey, maybe he did pick up on us, and that influenced him a little, but I'm sure he's still completely genuine. Maybe what he's feeling just confirms for him that he's right to care.

As for me forgetting... Well, you gave me a lot of reminders to help with that. I know I tried to leave myself reminders too, but I think the ones that came from you were a thousand times more effective.

[ The keychain. The memory of her fire red hair and bright green eyes. The manuscript page that was them is still significant, but he weighs the things he received from her much more heavily. ]

Yeah, I did. I think if i didn't understand what you mean by this point? We might have more issues than just dealing with the weird ones. [ She smiles at him.

If only there was a way she could shine a light in his head and get rid of all the darkness there. They have no idea what long term damage the Dark Place or the Dark Presence has done to him. There is no way to tell what he can remember or what he can never remember. It's a process of learning. The feeling of being an unfit partner simply clings to her because she has no idea what she can do for him other than let him touch her or have her near by.

That can't be all she can do for him. ]

Or, Polaris simply knows what isn't a danger to her or to me. It's... she doesn't really react like we do. People. [ A small shake of her head. ] Though... I guess I wonder how you even found out about me and Polaris. How you knew where we were in order to take care of Hartman. We had no connection at that point.

You've asked if you were real. If we were real. You... said things in your first month back in our reality. Not that they matter now. I guess what we need to figure out how to do next is get you back in tune with that part of yourself. I know when I lost the connection to Polaris that it was horrifying. Even if the Hiss hadn't gotten in... [ Jesse pauses then. Shit. Has she ever told him about that? Maybe he'll over look it. ] I'll talk with Emily.

[ « "She couldn't be so different as to be someone not worth loving." He really does have a way with words.

I wonder if she's experienced that yet. » ]

In any timeline or lifeline. Really. [ Jesse turns slightly, trying to keep her legs over him but also rest her head against his shoulder. She wants to be with him. Lean into him and have him hold her. Maybe then she'll be warm. ] It would be nice, wouldn't it?

[ Except it's not. She imagines that there are far more timelines with Alan and Alice Wake than there are with Alan Wake and Jesse Faden.

Eyes close.

Part of her wonders if he ever forgot what she looked like. If she had just become faceless Faden and her North Star. Not that Jesse would ever ask. ]

I guess they have a long way to go. If they even get to be together in the end. [ Her head tilts further into his shoulder. ] Maybe it'll end different for them. Maybe he won't want to keep trying to come back to her... because that's what happened when he left, wasn't it? He jumped into the Lake like you did.

Edited 2024-06-24 03:16 (UTC)

You're handling your issues just fine. Well, a lot better than I am, anyway, and that's saying something. I think I was never good at handling much of anything. [ His recollections of his life before all this happened are sketchy at best as she well knows, but maybe there's something that could jar his memory. Old newspapers, perhaps. He has this lingering feeling that he wasn't anyone's favorite person thirteen years ago. Oh, he had his fans, and he was married, but he just has a feeling that he was more popular because of the trouble he caused than anything else. ]

That's probably more accurate. I can't pretend to know a lot about Polaris, except for what you've told me. And honestly, I don't remember. Maybe I had a vision or a dream about you and that's what gave me the idea to try and reach out. I don't remember it, and that's what's weird. I don't think I'd forget anything about you.

[ He'd have to search his memory and navigate the holes in it, but something tells him that he never forgot Jesse. Maybe the darkness tried to make him forget, but he likes to think that if he did forget, he'd feel a certain emptiness still hanging over him. He feels a sort of emptiness because so many pieces of his life seem to be hidden from him, but one thing he doesn't feel is a disconnect from Jesse or Polaris.

Maybe a disconnect happened because of how far down into the ocean he was, but that's not the kind of disconnect he means. ]

I don't know if that's possible. I barely remember anything from thirteen years ago, and I definitely don't remember much about anything that happened before all this started. It's like trying to picture someone else's life. I don't know if I was happy, or if things at home were good.

[ Did Alice and I go on dates? Did we take walks around the city because we both had the time? I wish I could remember. Not that I want to talk about Alice around Jesse. I know she says she doesn't mind, but I can't keep bringing her up. ]

... Wait. [ Alan's tone changes as he pulls himself out of his questioning thoughts about his past. ] You lost the connection? The Hiss got in? What? Did you tell me about this and I forgot?

[ His hold on her tightens even as she leans more into his shoulder. Before he answers anything else she says about the other versions of themselves, he makes a decisive movement. It's not harsh or meant to be uncomfortable, even though it takes some shifting around for him to do it. Jesse still feels cold to him, so he decides in that moment that they need to go back to the bed where she can warm up and he can keep holding her. ]

Do you mind if I...? [ He trails off, knowing she'll get the idea once he slides his arms beneath her legs and back. He starts to stand up slowly, waiting to see if she'll tell him to stop. If she does, he won't go through with this, because he wants to do what she wants. ]

Edited 2024-06-25 07:11 (UTC)

[ More things that she can't comment on, inform him of, or even help him with. All she knows of him before he disappeared in Bright Falls is what the media had. Night clubs, arguments with the paparazzi. Lashing out. Things she knows he does under severe stress or fear. Anger sometimes. How he handled it then and now may end up being entirely different.

She leans into his hold as he raises her up. One arm below her knees, the other around her back. Her head rests on his shoulder and eyes remain closed. A nonverbal answer to his question. She doesn't mind. She'd rather move to somewhere warmer than simply sitting in the window.

Jesse remains quiet even as he arranges them back onto the bed. She rolls into his side. One arm drapes around his frame and a leg slips over his. Nothing promiscuous or hinting at certain encounters. A need to be close to him and feel him. The blankets over them plus his body heat should surely warm her up.

« Where do I even start? » ]

Polaris... she's a being that exists as a resonance. Energy, a frequency. She can connect to other living beings and exist with them symbioticly. The Hiss... they're are different. It's an invasive resonance, that sounds like gas leaking. Everything about them is destructive and disrupts everything in you until you are a Hiss. A collective, I guess.

When Dylan and I met Polaris... it wasn't really her. It was another being called Hedron--at least that's what the Bureau called it. Through Hedron, Polaris could spread her resonance. Kind of like a speaker. I eventually found Hedron in the Oldest House... but I couldn't stop the Hiss from getting to her. When Hedron died, all the connection to Polaris was cut. Nothing but the Hiss could get in.

[ Her hand curls slightly in his shirt. She won't deal the experience unless he asks. How the Hiss burrow deeper and deeper into your mind until all that's left is a chant that echoes. One that echoes so loud until you say it yourself. ]

I found the link to Polaris I had inside me. A direct link, not through Hedron. When I did... the Hiss were pushed out. All of the HRAs began working again. We took down the Hiss, and I tried to drive them out of Dylan. That's why he's in coma. People don't normally survive what the Hiss does to them... so, maybe he'll never wake up.

[ Her gaze drifts slightly. ] I never told you. Unless I did, and I don't remember it.

So... now I'm what Hedron used to be. Broadcasting Polaris out in our reality or any one that I go in. Which is probably why the Dark Presence was so hostile to me. Polaris would have been moving into it's dimension and turf.

[ Maybe she doesn't need to. Maybe she doesn't need to help him with his demons that still seem to plague him even though it's been only a few months since he was released from FBC custody. Alan has to remind himself from time to time how long it's been. The calendar near the computer he uses for writing has been looked at fairly often since his return.

But maybe expecting Jesse to help him navigate it all is unfair to her. A lot of it is internal, after all, so he should sort it out on his own as much as he can.

Maybe what he needs to focus on is recalling as much as he can of events he's forgotten and trying to pick up the pieces from there. For now, though, his priority is making sure Jesse gets to warm up and relax once more. Maybe she could even fall asleep, since she couldn't have gotten a good night's sleep after all that.

He makes sure that she's covered by the blankets before he settles in next to her once more. He smiles slightly as her arm drapes over him and her leg slides over his. Even if there's nothing particularly sensual behind the gesture, he still appreciates it. He just appreciates having her with him.

One arm moves to rest against her arm that's draped over him, and the other moves to drape itself on top of the covers to rest over her thigh as he listens to her explain more about Polaris. He knows her as Jesse's guiding star, but he doesn't have that much knowledge or understanding about who she truly is. Obviously she's the antithesis of the Hiss, but he's just trying to really understand her and how she relates to Jesse.

His expression seems to darken slightly as the implications of what the Hiss are and what they did to Hedron sinks in. They invaded like a swarm of hostile bugs and took over Hedron.

Did she mention something about the Hiss trying to get her, or am I only imagining that? The sinking feeling inside him tells him that's not just something from his imagination, but he can't recall the exact conversation either, if it ever happened. Some instinct tells him it did, and he both does and doesn't want to trust that instinct. ]

The Hiss always existed, just like Polaris has always existed. Or that's my guess, anyway. Resonances don't have an age or a lifespan. They just are.

[ Alan's not really speaking from experience or knowledge, but his words sound logical enough, in light of what little he knows. ]

But he's alive, even if he is in a coma. That's what matters, isn't it? He's alive, and he'll wake up one day.

[ That could have been me. What if it was me instead of Dylan? I know she'd reject that if I ever brought it up. But I can't help but think she deserves to have him back. At least, she deserves to have him back first, but I know it doesn't work that way.

Alan knows his thoughts are most likely showing on his face; he's never been good at hiding how he feels, but he doesn't want Jesse to know exactly what's on his mind. He can't help but feel some measure of guilt that Dylan still hasn't woken up. If there was something he could do, he'd do it in a second. ]

I don't know if you told me or not. You probably did, and I don't remember it either. Somehow, it feels familiar, but so many things feel that way. I'm still trying to figure out how much of what I remember is real and what isn't.

You're like Hedron. Huh. [ He's not sure how to feel about that. ] That means you're in danger too, right? I mean, you've always been in some level of danger, but if the Hiss destroyed Hedron...

[ Something inside him clenches up at the implications, and he can't bring himself to finish that sentence. His hand tightens just slightly against her arm as fear and a strong determination to protect her if he can rises. He won't let her be destroyed like Hedron was. He'd rather die himself before letting that happen. Not that he wants to die anytime soon, not now that he's finally back with her.

I died... The stray thought bubbles up from nowhere, and he's quick to push it away again. Sometimes remnants of thoughts come up out of nowhere, and while he knows what those thoughts are, he doesn't want to let them have more of a hold on him than they already do. ]

I won't let that happen, and I'm pretty sure Polaris would never let that happen either.

[ I hope so, anyway. You better not let that happen, Polaris. ]

[ His arms wrap around her, and Jesse turns into him by just a bit more. She can hear his heartbeat in his chest as her own is pressed into his side. Sometimes it's nice having him taller than her. It means that those few moments she does need in recovery or needing to be held? She can squeeze in perfectly. Again, she won't say a perfect match, but a match none the less.

She had mentioned that she knew what it was like to drown--to feel an invading hostile force try to strip everything she was. There was never any details given or anything ever given more explanation. Alan couldn't have handled it at the time during "Return." Hell, she's glad he's taking it as well as he is now. Which isn't to say that he's happy about any of it. He's just not spiraling out. ]

That matches what we know of them... which isn't very much. Especially given Hedron and whatever infected Trench came from a different reality entirely. Polaris and the Hiss may even be from a different place than that. It's... hard to say.

[ Jesse glances up at him. ] I think... Hedron let it happen. Almost like passing the torch, I guess. She taught Darling whatever it was that he needed to know. She connected me to Polaris and brought me to the Oldest House to stop the Hiss. But, yeah. Probably. Especially if other alien entities want to step into Polaris's territory.

[ A hand raises as his hold on her tightens. The sheer curtains at the windows close. Then, the LED lamp turns off as well as the lights that have come back on and she has now noticed. The sun is creeping into the room so there is no need for the additional light. ]

We'll both do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen, Alan.

[ Sometimes it's jut nice to be like this: to be still, unmoving, except for when either one of them needs to shift positions. He just likes holding her and feeling her next to him or in his arms and hearing her breathe and just being able to feel her. They don't even have to do anything, although if she wanted to move or do something more intimate, he wouldn't say no.

As far as he's concerned, they're a perfect match, a perfect fit, and he wouldn't change anything about them. Well, he'd change some things about himself, but either those things are out of his control or Jesse would just pin him with that look of hers and he'd drop the subject.

He knows he wants to be better for her, and that's something he's resolved to do, whether or not she thinks he needs to improve himself.

As for how he's taking things now, he feels like he's not handling things well at all. Focusing on more than one thing at a time is still hard for him, and even though he may not have put it into so many words, he's terrified of something bad happening to Jesse. Losing her is easily his worst nightmare, after everything they've both done to get to this point.

He's not happy about any of this, as she's guessed, but that just fuels his resolve to do what he can to look out for her. Not that he can do much, but if something tried to separate them, he wouldn't just stand by and let it happen. ]

What if all of these things are from the Dark Place? I know that's probably a stretch, but don't they all have something in common? Not Hedron, but the Hiss and the Dark Presence. They want to take over everything, claim this reality as theirs. Even that thing you told me about a long time ago... The... What was it called? The Not-Mother? What if they're all connected?

[ A frown forms on Alan's face again and his brow furrows with unease. ]

And what happens if something wants to step into your territory? Can Polaris protect you from that? From everything that might be harmful? What if, one day, Polaris isn't enough? No offense, Polaris, but- [ I'm worried. ]

Yeah. Yeah, we will. [ His gaze shifts to one side when he notes the curtains close and the LED lamp turning off, but he doesn't feel startled by it just yet. ]

So what now? You're probably still tired. If you want to go back to sleep, you should. I'll be right here. I promise.

Edited 2024-07-05 17:34 (UTC)

I don't think they come from the same place. More like... there are just opposing forces in all realities. Ones who dominate control, ones who harmonize with others. The Dark Place is somehow tied to them all, I think, but not in the way they all come from there. I don't know. Just everything coming from the Dark Place doesn't seem... right.

[ Her head tilts up slightly to look at him. ] Polaris will fight for her territory, and, I'll help with that. She's my friend. We're in it together. She might be overpowered by an other force. [ Her eyes narrow slightly. ] But, maybe that's why she wanted to reach out to the Champion of Light. Whatever it was that taught you how to wield it must be something she finds as an ally.

[ Jesse already knows that is what the case is. She's seen how the Hiss and the Dark Presence interact. She knows how Polaris can interact with the light. Now, she just needs Alan to see that and to understand it. She needs him to really understand it. Embody it. ]

We should both sleep a bit more before heading out for the day.

[ She shifts further into him, as Jesse would never use the term nestle to describe it. Just, comfortably laying against and into him. Her head tilts down. Ear to his chest to be able to hear his breathing and his heartbeat. Eyes close. The morning birds can be heard. They won't be able to sleep long, but some sleep is better than none. ]

Edited 2024-07-06 10:22 (UTC)

In all realities... [ Alan can't stop himself from frowning at the thought of it. ] I know that it makes sense, and it doesn't matter what I think about it, but- [ He shakes his head. He could barely fight the Dark Presence; he can't imagine trying to fight forces that exist in all realities. Can anyone even attempt such a thing? ]

It feels like a losing battle. Not that I'm saying we should give up, but-

[ His frown deepens but he adds: ] What can I do to help?

[ He feels something nudging at his mind; usually Polaris gives nudges like that, but it doesn't feel like Polaris this time. It's something coming from himself, something he barely understands. ]

Maybe I knew what to do with it once, but now I'm not so sure.

[ He knows what she wants and what Polaris wants, but he knows he doesn't feel like the Champion of Light anymore. Maybe that's still inside him somewhere, but he just can't feel it. ]

Yeah. Let's go back to sleep.

[ He doesn't mind thinking of this as her nestling into him; he's more than willing to hold her as she sleeps and to let her rest against him as her support as she rests. Hopefully this helps her drift back off to sleep; that's more important to him than his own rest. But he manages to drift off himself, thanks to the sounds of the birds outside and the feeling of Jesse in his arms, solid and warm and safe.

He doesn't even really know how many minutes or hours have passed before he shifts on the bed, not really wanting to wake up. The bed is warm, and he doesn't want to stop holding onto Jesse, but they do have to get up at some point. In a way, it feels like more than just going out and running errands.

Going out for Alan takes effort, more effort than he imagined, and part of him would rather stay inside for awhile longer. Still, he can't hide from everything forever. He can't hide from living forever. There was a part of him that wanted to get back to normal life and living, and that was part of what he fought for when he was doing his best to escape the Dark Place. Now that he's back, he needs to take that step, otherwise what was the point in it all?

He wanted the life he and Jesse imagined, and getting that life means venturing outside, so that's what he'll do. That's what he has to do.

Still, he doesn't move too much just yet, because he feels that Jesse needs her sleep. So he lies still too, with his eyes closed, focusing on the sounds around him. The birds are still singing, but there's a background noise of cars and trucks passing by; he can still hear Jesse's breathing, and he focuses on that sound as well, as he waits for her to begin to stir. ]

[ Jesse gives him a soft smile. ] First, we get you used to being home again. Then, we can understand how your abilities work. We can figure out how best you can help. It's a process.

[ « We'll make sure not to show him those Threshold Kids episodes. Maybe just tur basic ideas of how all theae abilties can work. »

His gentle touches cause her to drift to sleep once more. The bed is warm, and him being there brings a simple comfort that she truly hadn't understood until she met him. She had made friends and learned to trust. She has her management team. However, Alan has helped her to learn not only how to work with a parautalitarian... but also how to love and be loved.

Really love and trust someone in that way. With all it's ups and downs.

She eventually stirs as he has thought she would. Green eyes slowly open. A hand raises to rub at one. The morning sun is higher now and traffic echoes. Her head tilts back up to see Alan already awake. She hopes he managed to find some sleep.

Part of her still wonders on their alternates and questions left unanswered from their conversation earlier.

« I hope one day they can have this. » ]

Hi, Alan. [ Jesse shifts to sit up on her hands, hovering over him slightly. ] Ready to get going?

[ I don't know how to start, and I know she knows that, but screw it. I can't keep doing this. I can't live like this, and I know she doesn't want to keep going like this either. ]

Yeah, that's where we start. Somehow, we'll figure that out. I'm glad to be home with you, but now I just want everything else to fall into place, starting how to live.

[ Not normally, because I don't think either of us will ever really be normal, but we'll make our own kind of normal. Not-normal. Yeah.

It feels right, being like this: being able to touch her and hold her and ease her to sleep with his touches. Maybe what makes it easy is the fact that he loves her and that he's happy to be with her, all things considered. Even the demons in his mind that try to rattle him and leave him shaken don't take away from the fact that he's glad to be with her.

If he never figures out his abilities, if he never truly gets used to being home, at least he has what he's found with her, as long as she wants to continue giving it.

After some time passes, he feels her begin to stir and his attentions shift back to her. Well, they never really left, but now they're on her in earnest. ]

Hi, Jesse. [ He smiles the smile he reserves only for her, and he nods. ] Yeah, except... [ Words trail off as a mild doubt settles in. Maybe she doesn't want to, or maybe she wants to do what he has in mind on her own. Maybe he shouldn't even suggest it. ]

[ A certain sparkle comes to her eyes at the sight of the smile on his face. The one he only really uses when it's truly just the two of them (minus Polaris) and nothing else is plaguing his mind. It always makes her heart flutter. Namely because she never thought she'd have something like this--them. Not that she ever really sought it out. Dylan had always been the priority. And, if someone couldn't handle that? Then it wasn't worth trying to make a relationship happen.

« He might not remember hearing those conversations in that room in the Dark Place. Maybe that's for the best. I never wanted him to hear them. That was your idea. » ]

Except what? [ Her eyes narrow slightly as if she's trying to discern what bothers him at that moment. ] What's wrong?

[ She makes him feel like he can smile again; it felt to him as though he forgot how, but when he's with her, he remembers. He doesn't think about the darkness that's still lingering and still clinging to him like a cloak he can't shake off. He just thinks about her, about those green eyes that he loves so much... He thinks about everything about her that he loves; and since he loves everything about her, well... he just thinks about everything.

There's a lot he doesn't remember, but at the same time, there's a lot that he does remember. He just has to remember that he remembers it, as strange as that might sound.

A memory is trying to resurface now, and for a moment, Alan appears briefly lost in thought. He's not washing away, he's just trying to recall something that's trying to slip away from him as fast as it appeared. ]

Except... [ His head tilts to one side as he keeps trying to grab hold of the elusive train of thought. ] It was morning like this, and... and we were in a car, going somewhere. You, and someone else. Someone else who was driving the car. But there were other times when it was morning and there was a shower waiting to be used. Wasn't there?

[ He might be combining memories from separate occasions, but the key to both of them is that it was morning in those memories. Or maybe it was afternoon in one memory, but he's trying to pull the pieces together into something that makes sense. ]

I know this doesn't sound like anything more than rambling, but- [ His eyes shift to where the bathroom and the shower in the apartment is, before they shift back to meet her gaze again. Maybe she'll know what he's trying to say without really asking it. Maybe she'll even remember the occasions he was trying to recall. Maybe she won't. He barely remembers them, but the memories still seem to be there somewhat. ]

[ Jesse falls quiet once he begins to speak. Her gaze stays on his face, only lifting once his turns away to the direction of the shower. It's obvious that what he means is he wants to shower before they head out. That isn't what has garnered her attention so much. It's the fact he's trying to remember and grasp at things that transpired in the loops. Not everything in them is perfectly clear to her either; there's just too many to ever really have a full picture of what happened when and where and how many times.

She pulls back to sit beside him at his hip. One arm remains draped over him while the other rests between her own legs. Her heart pounds nervously. Memories coming from the loops, the Dark Place, his attempts to get out? They usually lead to him spiraling away. Sometimes even having a momentary break down. Her posture stiffens as she braces for anything that might be a fall out. ]

Steve. [ A short quick answer, slightly guarded, as she prepares for a potentially horrible situation. ] He was always with me in Bright Falls at the start of every loop.

[ « Even in the ones that I know we didn't make it. I know that happened, even if I can't remember them. » ]

Yeah. There were a few times when we... before we had to stop trying to make "Return" work the way we wanted. Attempts to make the story give us what we wanted. It never worked. Obviously. [ Jesse glances to the side, frowns slightly, then turns her gaze back to him. ] If you're asking if I mind taking a shower with you to start off the day? I don't mind. We can.

Edited 2024-07-11 07:48 (UTC)

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