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synthneon2024-04-13 08:24 pm
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2024-04-13 08:24 pm
oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞
There ain't no bargaining
No giving in without a fight
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There's a lot he doesn't remember, but at the same time, there's a lot that he does remember. He just has to remember that he remembers it, as strange as that might sound.
A memory is trying to resurface now, and for a moment, Alan appears briefly lost in thought. He's not washing away, he's just trying to recall something that's trying to slip away from him as fast as it appeared. ]
Except... [ His head tilts to one side as he keeps trying to grab hold of the elusive train of thought. ] It was morning like this, and... and we were in a car, going somewhere. You, and someone else. Someone else who was driving the car. But there were other times when it was morning and there was a shower waiting to be used. Wasn't there?
[ He might be combining memories from separate occasions, but the key to both of them is that it was morning in those memories. Or maybe it was afternoon in one memory, but he's trying to pull the pieces together into something that makes sense. ]
I know this doesn't sound like anything more than rambling, but- [ His eyes shift to where the bathroom and the shower in the apartment is, before they shift back to meet her gaze again. Maybe she'll know what he's trying to say without really asking it. Maybe she'll even remember the occasions he was trying to recall. Maybe she won't. He barely remembers them, but the memories still seem to be there somewhat. ]
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She pulls back to sit beside him at his hip. One arm remains draped over him while the other rests between her own legs. Her heart pounds nervously. Memories coming from the loops, the Dark Place, his attempts to get out? They usually lead to him spiraling away. Sometimes even having a momentary break down. Her posture stiffens as she braces for anything that might be a fall out. ]
Steve. [ A short quick answer, slightly guarded, as she prepares for a potentially horrible situation. ] He was always with me in Bright Falls at the start of every loop.
[ « Even in the ones that I know we didn't make it. I know that happened, even if I can't remember them. » ]
Yeah. There were a few times when we... before we had to stop trying to make "Return" work the way we wanted. Attempts to make the story give us what we wanted. It never worked. Obviously. [ Jesse glances to the side, frowns slightly, then turns her gaze back to him. ] If you're asking if I mind taking a shower with you to start off the day? I don't mind. We can.
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His posture stiffens slightly, but he feels her touching him, sitting beside him. He's home; he's not in a loop. She's here, and she's safe. They're both safe. He might be tense, but he's still not spiraling or starting to drown. ]
Yeah. Steve. I remember. He could remember too, somehow, even though he shouldn't have been able to. [ He tilts his head to one side again. ] What happened to him? He's all right, isn't he?
[ I remember she was trying to get me to do something on that car ride. I don't think I did it, but what was it?
His head starts to pound in protest of his efforts to try and remember the memories lost to the loops. Maybe it's best if he leaves them alone. ]
"Return". [ He huffs out a laugh. ] For awhile there, I thought I almost hated that word. But it's just a word. What's the point in hating it?
[ He tries to will away the tension forming in his shoulders, but it's not really working. Instead, he just leans in a little, nudging her slightly as he forms his response. ]
I'd like to, but that's only if you want to. Maybe we should just forget about the idea and get ready to go.
[ Showering could take too long, and it's not going to stay morning forever. ]
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Her scars thankfully could be hidden well enough. One is on the side of her head, but always covered by her hair. Steve had a broken hand. Estevez had the leg injury. The rest of Jesse's... those are ones the eye can't see. Ones that she hopes she's been able to cover well enough from Alan. He has to focus on adjusting and being in their reality more than helping make her scars better.
Especially when it wasn't him that broke her heart.
At least now she can think the word without feeling she'll buckle and everything around her will break down. ]
He still works at the Buearu. Who else is going to be my right hand Ranger? [ « Especially when he turns down promotions or taking over for Marshall. » ] We weren't sure what would trigger what memories when you came back. So, he's just been keeping a distance.
[ Steve could see how the situation had started to affect her, and Jesse knew it. Everyone could tell despite her walls whenever Alan had an episode in the Oldest House. They made the decision to lessen potential triggers for the previous AWE. Less exposure to the people that could set him in a spiral again.
« It should be fine now... right? Maybe we can take a day trip to the airfield he's always at. It could be fun. » ]
You can hate something by association. [ Her voice is a tad softer than she intended it to be.
A glance is sent to his nudge. Then, she nudges back with her knee. ] Come on.
[ Her legs swing over the side of the bed. She's already up and moving towards the bathroom, hand running through her hair to loosen it from any tangles during her sleep. A moment later the sound of running water can be heard. ]
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Instinct makes his hands clench into fists and tension forms in his shoulders as his mind zeroes in on everything he hates about the loops and the hell it put them through. It's his fault, isn't it? The Dark Place was pulling the strings, but he was still the puppet dancing along to the tune. He's still responsible for the things that happened. Or at least, he believes he's to blame.
An image flares to life in his mind; they're in a diner... the Oh Deer Diner. There's a hallway with a flickering light overhead and Jesse's somewhere... in the restrooms, maybe. The door's locked or won't open, and he's pounding on the door. Why?
His eyes slide closed for a moment, and then he shakes his head as if trying to clear away the images that randomly appeared. It's a bad memory, he's sure of it; he can't remember why, exactly, but he knows it's nothing good. He knows he doesn't want to focus on it and spiral out again. It takes some effort but he manages to push the images away, and his eyes open once more, zeroing back in on Jesse's. ]
Well, that's good. I'm glad he's still with you. Not that I thought he'd stop; someone like him isn't going to just leave just like that. [ Alan's voice is level enough until Jesse references an uncertainty about what might set him off when he was freshly home from the Dark Place. ]
Yeah.. that was probably for the best, but- if he wanted to come around now, that's... It's probably fine.
[ "Probably". Alan remembers more about those days following his return than he wants to talk about. Honestly, he wants to forget them, but only time will help with that. Sometimes, he feels himself starting to go to pieces, and it takes all the willpower he has to stop that from actually happening. He knows how it feels when something's getting under his skin, and sometimes he can stop it, sometimes he can't. It's an uncomfortable feeling, like having cold water poured on him, and there's a terrifying pressure in his head.
Knowing the signs of it helps somewhat, but it doesn't do much to ease his nerves. Right now, he forces himself to breathe through his nose, because now isn't the time for him to spiral out. He's not about to, but he's feeling that uncomfortable tingle on his back, and he doesn't want to let it get worse. ]
Yeah... yeah, you can. [ That's a good way of describing the hate he feels for anything relating to "Return", even the word itself. Her nudge brings him back down to earth and pulls him out of his spiraling thoughts, and he stands up to slowly follow her to the bathroom.
He almost pauses in the doorway, but something tells him that's not what she wants. It's not what he wants either, so he keeps moving forward until he's standing in the room with her. The water's already on, and he stops to focus on the sound of it. He'd be lying if he said that he'd forgotten about the feel of water, and how it can be too hot or cold if put too far in either direction. Maybe water in the Dark Place was always cold; or maybe showers didn't exist at all. If they did, they were probably just as likely to try and drown anyone who used them. Or maybe they just wanted to drown Alan Wake.
Stop that.
Either way, he had to remind himself how showers worked, that the water could be too hot if he wasn't careful. Maybe it's good that she got the shower started instead of him. Once he's standing beside her, he quickly removes his shirt and puts it on the countertop, not even remotely bothered by how easy it is to bare himself around her. ]
Did- did you want help with..? [ He's not sure why his voice suddenly sounds shaky, but he blames it on the memories that threatened to come back to life before he managed to push them away again. He hates how his voice sounds, but it always takes a minute or two for it to level out again when bad memories rise up once more. He asked before taking action, but his hand reaches for her instinctively, just stopping short of touching her, in case she doesn't want his help undressing for the shower. ]
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Which means it's up to her to keep Alan afloat.
« I guess some things don't change. » ]
We'll try to bring him by when "probably" sounds more confident.
[ Jesse watches him as he joins her in the bathroom. The small hesitation doesn't go unnoticed. The way he glances at the running water doesn't either. Her head tilts only a fraction to the side, enough to make her point known that she's aware he's struggling. Probably because of how rough the night was before with the storm and power outage. A glance is sent down as he takes off his shirt.
No hesitation.
Not that there should be any. They spent... who knows how many loops being intimate or trying to be together. Jesse hasn't pushed the fact at all since he's returned home. Kisses, hugging, being close to one another. Those are the only acts she's delved into. Intuition tells her that he isn't ready to be intimate yet. He might never be ready for that step again. All she can do is hope that her presence actually does what she hopes.
Jesse turns to him easily, raising her arms for him to slide her sleeping shirt off. ]
Do you want to step in first, or for me to lead?
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Some kinds of scars don't heal, and he shudders to think what lingering effects Jesse, Steve, Saga, and Casey all have now because of him. ]
If we wait for that to happen, maybe it'll never happen. Maybe he should just stop by now and- [ And get it over with? That's not what I mean, but it's also not NOT what I mean.
He freezes in place when he feels her gaze land on him. It's not that he feels he has to hide his reactions from her, but he's tired of her having to see them. How many times has she seen him spiral out? How many times has she witnessed him panic over nothing? Over things in his own head? She shouldn't have to keep watching as he falls apart.
That's partly why he removed his shirt and put it aside with such ease. It's one of the few things he feels he can do without hesitation.
He knows he loves her and he wants to always be with her. They could have lived through an eternity in the loops and he'd still love her even if the loops kept replaying. But he's glad they didn't; he never wanted her to be trapped in the loops, but she ended up in them because of him. Because they wanted something that the story wouldn't allow.
Part of him wants what they had before: that intimacy driven by hunger and want and need, but he hesitates there, because he doesn't know if he can remain stable enough to go all the way with her. He doesn't want to start to get there, and then lose control.
When will I be ready? I want to be ready now...
She raises her arms for him, and he instantly moves to remove her shirt, placing it beside his on the countertop. He doesn't respond immediately, choosing to take a second to brush his fingertips lightly against hers, liking the feel of the contact between them. Liking how she feels. ]
Well... [ His lips press together briefly. ] I have to take that step sometime, don't I?
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She just wishes it wasn't Alan and that it didn't feel like she was studying him behind his back.
« It's not really that. He knows I have to do these things. He's aware. Still. It doesn't mean I like it. »
She frowns slightly. ] Okay. Next time you need to go to the Oldest House? I'll have Steve meet up with us. We'll see how it goes.
[ She misses being intimate with him like they managed to be during those loops. She misses the way he makes her feel--including Polaris or not. Still, she can wait. What they have is more than she honestly thought they'd ever manage with how "Return" ended.
She slides off her bottoms and then shifts to the side so he can move past her. Fingers brush along his for a brief moment before gesturing to the shower. ]
I'll be right behind you. Go ahead.
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Sure, he's not a fan of her watching him like she does, knowing it's all going to end up in a report, but he's not about to tell her she needs to stop. He figure it could be worse, after all; being written about in a report or other document isn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe it's poetic in a way; he's always the one doing the writing, but now someone else is going to be writing about him.
At least I think I can trust whoever it is more than I could trust Scratch. Not that that means anything now, since the line between me and Scratch isn't really a line at all, right? ]
It's worth a try, isn't it? If I can't handle it, well- at least we'll know.
[ He hesitates for just a fraction of a second, but she's already shifted to one side and the way is clear for him to step past her into the shower. It shouldn't be as difficult as it was walking back into the Dark Place, and yet he finds himself having to push down his hesitation.
He tells himself that it's just a shower, that he can't hesitate forever, so he forces himself to take that first step and move inside the shower, standing beneath the running water while still leaving room for her to join him.
He doesn't want to come apart at the seams because of a shower, so he does his best to force himself to stand still and wait for her to step inside as well. ]
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« What if he cant' stand it anymore? What then? »
She steps in behind him and closes the curtain slowly. Then, hands gently rest on his back. Fingertips first then palms to his skin. A gesture that is there to let him know she is there but at a pace that isn't alarming. ]
Hey, I'm right here. Is that okay?
[ A tilt of her head. If he's alright with the water rolling over him? She can move onto the next step. ]
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Did I ever tell her about that? How there was always that feeling that I was being watched? I don't remember.
He's holding his breath without realizing that's what he's doing; he's waiting to see what the feel of water on his back is going to do. How will he react? It seems that even he can't know until it happens.
The curtain closes, and he hears the sound that it makes, the way the fabric skids against the tub as it's drawn to a close. He notices sounds a lot more than he used to; even the smallest, most inconsequential sound somehow manages to catch his ear. Is it because he's too used to the silence of an empty room? Things do sound louder in the silence.
Jesse's fingertips lightly touch his back, and he realizes that she was able to touch him without causing him to jump. Maybe it's the lightness of the touch, or maybe he'll finally be able to stop jumping at every touch he's not expecting. Her palms eventually rest against him entirely, and his shoulders lower in a pleased sort of response. ]
Yeah. Yeah, it's- It's as good as it's going to be. And for me, that's really good.
[ He's not freaking out; he's not hyperfocusing on each drop of water. He's not going to pieces about too much water and drowning and- Those thoughts get stopped in their tracks. He doesn't want to let them get into his mind any more than they already are. ]
Yeah, this is okay. [ He looks over at her with a smile to further indicate that he's surprisingly doing all right with this. ]
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« Maybe, just maybe, things will be as normal as it can be for us. I SAY it, but, even I can't help but wonder if they ever will be like we hoped it would. »
Polaris shifts.
Jesse offers him that small smile that she gives. The one that shines far more in her eyes. ]
Okay. Good. [ A nod for him to look forward. ] Let's get through this as fast as well can.
[ « Just in case. »
She moves for the wash cloth and soap. A slow gesture pressed to his back. Once he seems to have accepted it? She gets to cleaning his back and shoulders. Down the back of his arms. The back of his neck, holding up the longer hair he has.
Then, she reaches over and hands him the relathered washcloth. If she washed his front, it would be far too intimate. She'd be tempted to touch him in ways she's not sure he is ready for. Best to let him handle that while she gets to work washing herself. ]
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Okay. [ He doesn't want her to feel like she has to rush through it for his sake, but who knows what might end up happening if they linger in the shower too long? His mind might start running away with itself again, and he doesn't want to let that happen.
A sigh escapes him unbidden once she starts to wash his back. The sensation feels good; it's calming, almost soothing. It's relaxing him, and as she works on his neck and arms, he realizes he wants to return the favor.
Eventually, when she stops and hands him the washcloth, intending for him to see to the rest of himself, he does something else instead. He turns, and with some maneuvering within the shower, he positions himself behind her so that he can wash her back as well, making small circular motions with the cloth. ]
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Her eyes widen and she quickly looks over her shoulder at him. There's no anger or distaste for the motion in her eyes. Simply confusion and surprise. It takes a moment before her shoulders lower and she relaxes for him. The notion is a surprise but not unwelcomed. Not to mention that it's something he wants to do... and if it helps him feel anything of normalcy? Jesse wants to encourage it.
She had dodged all his attempts and suggestions at giving her a massage the night before.
« I shouldn't... but I wonder if this was normal for him and Alice. Something he's used to doing. » ]
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Maybe, just maybe, he's not washed up. He's not a lost cause.
He smiles a wider smile when he sees her looking at him over her shoulder. God, I love her. I'm always going to love her.
The cloth in his hand presses against her back with a light amount of pressure, and he begins to move it up and down her back, and then her arms, and the back of her neck as well, following the movements she made when she was cleaning him off.
As he finishes washing her back to his satisfaction, he wonders idly what she thinks when she looks at him. Right now, he means, when they're sharing a shower together. Does she find him attractive in a physical sense? He knows they're drawn together because of the connection they share. There's a chemistry between them that he's never felt with anyone else.
But does she look at him and think he could look better? He wonders if the effects of the Dark Place extend to his body. Did those thirteen years leave physical scars behind too? He hasn't wanted to look in the mirror to see. But instinctively, the hand that's not holding the washcloth reaches up to brush the center of his forehead before dropping back down to his side.
After a few more seconds of washing, he decides that that's sufficient for now. Still holding onto the cloth, he shifts his weight, wondering what he should do now. ]
Is there anywhere else that you want me to take care of? [ While he waits, he rubs her back lightly with his free hand; it's not exactly the massage he offered to give her, but he still hopes that it feels good. ]
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It's that determination: being a normal man who will face down impossible odds even if he is scared. Someone that can be inspire others to do the same. Oh, he'd say that he is far from inspirational, but Jesse sees it differently. She knows others would see it differently. ]
Alan. [ She says his name to gather his attention on her instead of his question.
Then, she raises one arm behind her to rest on the back of his head. She half turns. Just enough so she can ease upwards and give him a gentle kiss. Nothing demanding or sensual. A calm show of affection. ]
We should finish up and get the day going. Breakfast and then shopping. Remember?
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But then she says his name, and the sound of her voice pulls him out of his thoughts and back to the present, away from the question he'd asked her. He feels her touch him, and he sighs a quiet sigh. It's almost one of contentment and satisfaction, and then she kisses him again. His shoulders lower once more and his eyes focus on hers, fixing her with a loving stare. ]
Yeah... Of course. If we don't go soon, it'll be too late. [ Too late in the day, that is. They don't have to worry about their time together running out; they don't have to worry about the machinations of a dark story pulling them apart. ]
Do you want help drying off?
[ It seems that Alan won't pass up a single opportunity to help Jesse with something, even the smallest of gestures. ]
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Jesse gives him a small smile in return for his look of adoration. A slight pink comes to her face. He always seems to know the words and the actions that make those protective walls come down. ]
That is if you don't mind being out in the evening. I figured you wouldn't want to be out as the sunset.
[ She reaches around him and turns off the shower. Another brisk of her lips to his. She is avoiding looking at certain places, but not out of finding him unattractive. There is a time and place and everything tells her it's neither of those. Instincts tell her to reign herself in. Control what she would like to do. Alan has to initiate it. He has to be ready.
« He may never be ready for that step again. »
She stops mid-step of leaving the tub. Slowly, her eyes scan back to him. Green locks to gray with a mild surprise at his offer. There seems to be things she still needs to learn when it comes to being together. ]
...Sure. If you want.
[ « If he doesn't mind that I'm not used to it. I'm not sure I'll ever be used to any of this. » ]
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At least when he's with Jesse, he doesn't feel that sense of envy. He's not normal, and neither is she, but together, they seem to fit together even with all of the things that are not-normal that they bring to the table.
The look he gives her turns into a smile once he spots the hint of pink rising in her face. He loves her, and he'll never stop loving her. ]
That's probably not a good idea, right? If I'm out too late and something happens... [ His words trail off and he reaches out to pinch the side of his wrist. ]
I'd- I'd try it, but I'm more worried about what people might see.
[ There's so much that he wants to venture out and try, in an attempt to feel more like his old self, but there's even more things that scare him and keep him feeling like he's frozen in place. Being intimate with her like they once were is one of those things. He just can't see how he'd react, and he doesn't want her to feel bad if he reacts badly.
But still, there's other ways he can express how much he loves her. Small gestures, but no less meaningful, in his mind. ]
Yeah, I want to. If it's okay. Sorry, you just said that. [ He rolls his eyes at himself as he steps out of the tub and takes hold of a towel. He hesitates, wondering if he should dry her hair or dry her off first, and since both options seem like good places to start, he chooses to start with drying her off, once she's also followed him out of the tub.
He slides behind her and bends at the knees so that he can start toweling off her legs and working his way up from there. Maybe it's not how normal people do it; maybe she dries her hair first. Maybe he's messed up already. Stop that. She'll tell you if this isn't right. Just keep going. ]
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His smile makes her cheeks turn redder. ]
We'll see how the day goes.
[ She turns her back to him again in hopes of hiding how red her face is as he dries her off. He may be adjusting to living again, but she's adjusting to living with someone. Romantically. It's not difficult, but she's learned she needs to lower her walls more than she had anticipated.
Once he's done, Jesse turns to him. She slides the towel from his hands and wraps it around his waist. Then, she tugs him close and kisses him. A quick kiss, but more than gentle. Enough to be a gesture of thanks before giving him a smirk, grabbing a new towel, and slipping into the bedroom. She'll need to be the one to get ready and set things up for the pair of them.
She dresses in a simple outfit, moving quickly from the bedroom to get things ready as Alan dresses. An energy bar for him and something heavier for her. No coffee as they are stopping to grab some.
She glances up once Alan steps into the room. A smile on her face. She holds the energy bar out for him. ]
You need to eat something. Don't argue. Okay?
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We'll see how the day goes. Alan makes a resolution then, and hopes that he can keep it. I'll do my best to not ruin the day. That doesn't mean much, but I'll do my best.
It doesn't take him long to finish drying her off, even though he finds his hands shake once or twice because of how close he is to her. She always has that effect on him; it's not nervousness, just a kind of marveling that he gets to be with her and gets to love her.
When she wraps the towel around his waist, he shifts forward as though he wants to kiss her, but she gets there first, pulling him in for a quick kiss that makes him smile even more. Maybe he's too hopelessly in love, but even if he is, he wouldn't change it for anything.
While she's getting ready in the other room, he's doing the same, putting on his clothes and actually appreciating that he's managed to hold it together this long. He's relieved that nothing set him off, not even the shower. Once he's ready, he steps out of the bathroom and his breath leaves him in a rush. She's dressed simply, but she looks gorgeous in his eyes. Just the sight of her makes him smile.
He glances at the energy bar, and he almost turns it down, but then he remembers looking at himself in the mirror and realizing he's lost weight because of his continuing lack of appetite and inability to even eat something small.
He eyes the energy bar, but he also knows the tone of voice she's using, and he knows she means business. Arguing won't do him any good, and the last thing he wants is to upset her, so he settles for tearing open the wrapper and forcing himself to take a small bite.
It tastes like cardboard in his mouth, and something inside him recoils, but he can't put it down or throw it away. He manages to swallow the first bite and takes another one, trying to ignore the rising urge inside him to just stop eating it. The sensation of eating and swallowing is foreign to him now, but he's not going to get used to it again by avoiding it.
In an attempt to make light of the situation, and hopefully not insult her taste in energy bars, he pretends to frown at the energy bar in his hand. ]
I guess not much has changed in thirteen years, not even energy bars.
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« The only thing left would be liquids... IVs. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to go down that road again.
Neither do I. » ]
There's better ones. They're just the ones I have on hand. [ Her tone isn't quite shy or withdrawn. Guarded, maybe. ] We can find a different kind while we're out.
[ She cleverly avoids saying anything about his eating habits. Instead, she turns her back to him and continues to prepare her own breakfast. ]
I figured something light would be best. If something else looks appetizing when we go to the coffee shop? We'll get it for you.
[ « He just needs something now. Before we go out. I don't know how many times I can tell the medical staff at the Oldest House that he's refusing to eat. » ]
Somethings have changed in the last thirteen years. Others haven't.
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They wouldn't understand, would they? It's just eating. It's just living in the world like millions of people do every day. But to Alan, it sometimes it feels like climbing the tallest mountain in the world: climbing up a few paces and then falling back fifty paces. He glares at the energy bar as if it's offended him, but he tries to push that expression away by the time he tries to catch Jesse's eye again. ]
It's fine. It's- I'm sure it tastes great, I just... [ I can't tell her what this is like. It'll just make her feel worse, and I've done that enough times already. ]
Don't worry about it. Don't worry about getting me things. I'll get used to the energy bars. [ And the hundreds of other things I'm still trying to get used to.
He watches her set to work preparing her own breakfast, and as smells start to spread through the room, he feels his stomach turn. He can't remember how he could go through life with ease, without the internal protest at everything he couldn't do when in the Dark Place. If he could just shut those reactions off, maybe things would be better. ]
You like pancakes, right? Or was that Steve? [ He can't remember it very clearly, but he dimly remembers one or both of them getting pancakes somewhere. Before all hell broke loose. Because of me. ]
Like what? [ His tone is actually curious now. ] Tell me something that's different. Something that- that we have now that we didn't have thirteen years ago.
[ He wonders idly if she'll notice that he said "we", not "you" or some other word that keeps him separate from things. Separate from their world. ]
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All the little things add up to her understanding the look in his eyes at the energy bar. The way he glares as if it's offended him somehow.
He moves to catch her eye but she has already turned away from him to finish her meal. Her eyes water slightly. Hand curls around the spatula. What he says even causes her to clutch it harder.
« What am I doing that is so wrong? Nothing helps. Alice would have known what to do. »
She moves to grab a plate for herself and dishes it. Her back remains to him even as she begins to eat. He doesn't need to see the emotions dancing over her face. ]
Pancakes are nice. [ She finally answers him. ] Smart phones. They're not the same as the cellphones you'd know. The internet is more integrated now. Smart watches too... but, I'd never trust one. Even less now that I'm in charge of a government buearu.
[ Her gaze drops. ] Hybrid and electric cars. Streaming platforms. Ipods are gone--now it's all on your phone.
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She turns away from him and he lowers the energy bar, because it seems clear enough to him that upset has settled in again: upset that he caused. Why do I always do that? Why am I always upsetting her? I want- I don't want to upset her anymore. I want her to be happy.
... Am I making her miserable?
He can tell she's started to eat the food she made for herself, but still she doesn't turn around. A feeling settles in and won't be dislodged; it's telling him that he's messed up yet again, and maybe this time, it'll be the last straw. Maybe this time, she'll decide that enough is enough and she no longer wants anything to do with him.
His shoulders lower but she keeps talking to him even if she isn't looking at him, so he forces himself to respond, hoping his tone sounds normal. ]
It's been a long time since I cooked for anyone, but maybe I... [ The words trail off and he doesn't finish the sentence. ]
So you have to keep up or you get left behind, huh? Is it even worth trying to catch up? I never even liked having a cellphone back then. Whatever a smart phone and a smart watch is, it sounds too smart for me.
[ Then his lips twitch as if he wants to smile, and maybe the barest hint of amusement sounds in his voice. ] I thought you were about to say someone found a way to make a flying car. Or at least, a hovering one.
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