synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

[ Alan Wake is an attractive man, even in an older age than when he went into the Dark Place. The attractiveness is different. She'd say something like "aged well", but, she doubts he would want to hear that if he ever asked out loud. The attraction isn't just physical though or because of their otherworldly connection thanks to Polaris or the Bright Presence.

It's that determination: being a normal man who will face down impossible odds even if he is scared. Someone that can be inspire others to do the same. Oh, he'd say that he is far from inspirational, but Jesse sees it differently. She knows others would see it differently. ]

Alan. [ She says his name to gather his attention on her instead of his question.

Then, she raises one arm behind her to rest on the back of his head. She half turns. Just enough so she can ease upwards and give him a gentle kiss. Nothing demanding or sensual. A calm show of affection. ]

We should finish up and get the day going. Breakfast and then shopping. Remember?

[ Alan thinks of himself as rather plain; actually, the truth is, he doesn't really think much of himself at all. He's rather ordinary, and he's not much of a catch. Jesse, on the other hand... she takes his breath away and he catches himself wondering why she even looked twice at him. Even if she didn't have Polaris with her and all the abilities that that connection entails, he knows he'd still be staggered by her. He'd still be in awe of her.

But then she says his name, and the sound of her voice pulls him out of his thoughts and back to the present, away from the question he'd asked her. He feels her touch him, and he sighs a quiet sigh. It's almost one of contentment and satisfaction, and then she kisses him again. His shoulders lower once more and his eyes focus on hers, fixing her with a loving stare. ]

Yeah... Of course. If we don't go soon, it'll be too late. [ Too late in the day, that is. They don't have to worry about their time together running out; they don't have to worry about the machinations of a dark story pulling them apart. ]

Do you want help drying off?

[ It seems that Alan won't pass up a single opportunity to help Jesse with something, even the smallest of gestures. ]

[ That might be what she needs in her very unordinary life--something ordinary. Someone who looks normal and is mostly normal. Her life has been a twisting vortex further into the weirdness with no sign of it returning to what was considered "normal." Not that she'd have it any other way.

Jesse gives him a small smile in return for his look of adoration. A slight pink comes to her face. He always seems to know the words and the actions that make those protective walls come down. ]

That is if you don't mind being out in the evening. I figured you wouldn't want to be out as the sunset.

[ She reaches around him and turns off the shower. Another brisk of her lips to his. She is avoiding looking at certain places, but not out of finding him unattractive. There is a time and place and everything tells her it's neither of those. Instincts tell her to reign herself in. Control what she would like to do. Alan has to initiate it. He has to be ready.

« He may never be ready for that step again. »

She stops mid-step of leaving the tub. Slowly, her eyes scan back to him. Green locks to gray with a mild surprise at his offer. There seems to be things she still needs to learn when it comes to being together. ]

...Sure. If you want.

[ « If he doesn't mind that I'm not used to it. I'm not sure I'll ever be used to any of this. » ]

[ He wants to give her that; well, he wants to give her everything she wants or needs. But selfishly, he wants to pretend that he's ordinary, like everyone else who hasn't gone through what they have, that he doesn't feel as though something's wrong with him. He can look out the window and see people walking around and going about their lives, and he just feels envious of them. They don't have a lingering darkness inside them, or a fear of losing control and hurting other people.

At least when he's with Jesse, he doesn't feel that sense of envy. He's not normal, and neither is she, but together, they seem to fit together even with all of the things that are not-normal that they bring to the table.

The look he gives her turns into a smile once he spots the hint of pink rising in her face. He loves her, and he'll never stop loving her. ]

That's probably not a good idea, right? If I'm out too late and something happens... [ His words trail off and he reaches out to pinch the side of his wrist. ]

I'd- I'd try it, but I'm more worried about what people might see.

[ There's so much that he wants to venture out and try, in an attempt to feel more like his old self, but there's even more things that scare him and keep him feeling like he's frozen in place. Being intimate with her like they once were is one of those things. He just can't see how he'd react, and he doesn't want her to feel bad if he reacts badly.

But still, there's other ways he can express how much he loves her. Small gestures, but no less meaningful, in his mind. ]

Yeah, I want to. If it's okay. Sorry, you just said that. [ He rolls his eyes at himself as he steps out of the tub and takes hold of a towel. He hesitates, wondering if he should dry her hair or dry her off first, and since both options seem like good places to start, he chooses to start with drying her off, once she's also followed him out of the tub.

He slides behind her and bends at the knees so that he can start toweling off her legs and working his way up from there. Maybe it's not how normal people do it; maybe she dries her hair first. Maybe he's messed up already. Stop that. She'll tell you if this isn't right. Just keep going. ]

Edited 2024-07-29 18:05 (UTC)

[ That is exactly what Jesse plans for the day to be. Something normal. Or, at least, as normal as they can be. Walking around in the shopping districts outside of the major hub of New York City. Grabbing light lunch. Coffee. He needs more clothes and just to breathe in real air. The rest they will see as they go.

His smile makes her cheeks turn redder. ]

We'll see how the day goes.

[ She turns her back to him again in hopes of hiding how red her face is as he dries her off. He may be adjusting to living again, but she's adjusting to living with someone. Romantically. It's not difficult, but she's learned she needs to lower her walls more than she had anticipated.

Once he's done, Jesse turns to him. She slides the towel from his hands and wraps it around his waist. Then, she tugs him close and kisses him. A quick kiss, but more than gentle. Enough to be a gesture of thanks before giving him a smirk, grabbing a new towel, and slipping into the bedroom. She'll need to be the one to get ready and set things up for the pair of them.

She dresses in a simple outfit, moving quickly from the bedroom to get things ready as Alan dresses. An energy bar for him and something heavier for her. No coffee as they are stopping to grab some.

She glances up once Alan steps into the room. A smile on her face. She holds the energy bar out for him. ]

You need to eat something. Don't argue. Okay?

[ Normal. Ordinary. The two of them just being people, navigating the day like anyone else, pretending for a minute that they haven't been touched by forces bigger than they are. He still believes Jesse handles it much better than he does, but she's had a lot more time to adjust to it. He'll adjust too, in time. Hopefully. Maybe.

We'll see how the day goes. Alan makes a resolution then, and hopes that he can keep it. I'll do my best to not ruin the day. That doesn't mean much, but I'll do my best.

It doesn't take him long to finish drying her off, even though he finds his hands shake once or twice because of how close he is to her. She always has that effect on him; it's not nervousness, just a kind of marveling that he gets to be with her and gets to love her.

When she wraps the towel around his waist, he shifts forward as though he wants to kiss her, but she gets there first, pulling him in for a quick kiss that makes him smile even more. Maybe he's too hopelessly in love, but even if he is, he wouldn't change it for anything.

While she's getting ready in the other room, he's doing the same, putting on his clothes and actually appreciating that he's managed to hold it together this long. He's relieved that nothing set him off, not even the shower. Once he's ready, he steps out of the bathroom and his breath leaves him in a rush. She's dressed simply, but she looks gorgeous in his eyes. Just the sight of her makes him smile.

He glances at the energy bar, and he almost turns it down, but then he remembers looking at himself in the mirror and realizing he's lost weight because of his continuing lack of appetite and inability to even eat something small.

He eyes the energy bar, but he also knows the tone of voice she's using, and he knows she means business. Arguing won't do him any good, and the last thing he wants is to upset her, so he settles for tearing open the wrapper and forcing himself to take a small bite.

It tastes like cardboard in his mouth, and something inside him recoils, but he can't put it down or throw it away. He manages to swallow the first bite and takes another one, trying to ignore the rising urge inside him to just stop eating it. The sensation of eating and swallowing is foreign to him now, but he's not going to get used to it again by avoiding it.

In an attempt to make light of the situation, and hopefully not insult her taste in energy bars, he pretends to frown at the energy bar in his hand. ]

I guess not much has changed in thirteen years, not even energy bars.

Edited 2024-07-31 08:12 (UTC)

[ Jesse watches him intently as he eats. Not that she would want to seem hawkish, but, she wants to make sure he eats it. He's right. It's far from the most savory thing on the planet. What else could she make sure he eats? It's small and something light on the stomach. Not to mention that he refuses to eat anything else.

« The only thing left would be liquids... IVs. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to go down that road again.

Neither do I. » ]

There's better ones. They're just the ones I have on hand. [ Her tone isn't quite shy or withdrawn. Guarded, maybe. ] We can find a different kind while we're out.

[ She cleverly avoids saying anything about his eating habits. Instead, she turns her back to him and continues to prepare her own breakfast. ]

I figured something light would be best. If something else looks appetizing when we go to the coffee shop? We'll get it for you.

[ « He just needs something now. Before we go out. I don't know how many times I can tell the medical staff at the Oldest House that he's refusing to eat. » ]

Somethings have changed in the last thirteen years. Others haven't.

[ He's keenly aware of her eyes on him as he tries to eat the energy bar. And that's half the problem, really; it could be the best tasting thing on earth and he still would have a hard time eating it. He hasn't explained to her or anyone what trying to eat is like... what trying to do anything remotely close to normal is like.

They wouldn't understand, would they? It's just eating. It's just living in the world like millions of people do every day. But to Alan, it sometimes it feels like climbing the tallest mountain in the world: climbing up a few paces and then falling back fifty paces. He glares at the energy bar as if it's offended him, but he tries to push that expression away by the time he tries to catch Jesse's eye again. ]

It's fine. It's- I'm sure it tastes great, I just... [ I can't tell her what this is like. It'll just make her feel worse, and I've done that enough times already. ]

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about getting me things. I'll get used to the energy bars. [ And the hundreds of other things I'm still trying to get used to.

He watches her set to work preparing her own breakfast, and as smells start to spread through the room, he feels his stomach turn. He can't remember how he could go through life with ease, without the internal protest at everything he couldn't do when in the Dark Place. If he could just shut those reactions off, maybe things would be better. ]

You like pancakes, right? Or was that Steve? [ He can't remember it very clearly, but he dimly remembers one or both of them getting pancakes somewhere. Before all hell broke loose. Because of me. ]

Like what? [ His tone is actually curious now. ] Tell me something that's different. Something that- that we have now that we didn't have thirteen years ago.

[ He wonders idly if she'll notice that he said "we", not "you" or some other word that keeps him separate from things. Separate from their world. ]

Edited 2024-08-02 08:57 (UTC)

[ He doesn't need to say anything. Jesse isn't good with people. However, she is good at reading and knowing Alan Wake. She knows his molds, what tells he gives when he is about to spiral out. The little things that show his temper that always got him in trouble is going to surface. She even knows the look in his eyes he wears when that love he feels boils to the surface.

All the little things add up to her understanding the look in his eyes at the energy bar. The way he glares as if it's offended him somehow.

He moves to catch her eye but she has already turned away from him to finish her meal. Her eyes water slightly. Hand curls around the spatula. What he says even causes her to clutch it harder.

« What am I doing that is so wrong? Nothing helps. Alice would have known what to do. »

She moves to grab a plate for herself and dishes it. Her back remains to him even as she begins to eat. He doesn't need to see the emotions dancing over her face. ]

Pancakes are nice. [ She finally answers him. ] Smart phones. They're not the same as the cellphones you'd know. The internet is more integrated now. Smart watches too... but, I'd never trust one. Even less now that I'm in charge of a government buearu.

[ Her gaze drops. ] Hybrid and electric cars. Streaming platforms. Ipods are gone--now it's all on your phone.

[ Likewise, he's learned how to read her... how to know some of what is going on below the surface. He's not a mindreader, and he tries not to pry where he's not wanted, but he's learned to recognize Jesse's subtle shifting expressions.

She turns away from him and he lowers the energy bar, because it seems clear enough to him that upset has settled in again: upset that he caused. Why do I always do that? Why am I always upsetting her? I want- I don't want to upset her anymore. I want her to be happy.

... Am I making her miserable?

He can tell she's started to eat the food she made for herself, but still she doesn't turn around. A feeling settles in and won't be dislodged; it's telling him that he's messed up yet again, and maybe this time, it'll be the last straw. Maybe this time, she'll decide that enough is enough and she no longer wants anything to do with him.

His shoulders lower but she keeps talking to him even if she isn't looking at him, so he forces himself to respond, hoping his tone sounds normal. ]

It's been a long time since I cooked for anyone, but maybe I... [ The words trail off and he doesn't finish the sentence. ]

So you have to keep up or you get left behind, huh? Is it even worth trying to catch up? I never even liked having a cellphone back then. Whatever a smart phone and a smart watch is, it sounds too smart for me.

[ Then his lips twitch as if he wants to smile, and maybe the barest hint of amusement sounds in his voice. ] I thought you were about to say someone found a way to make a flying car. Or at least, a hovering one.

You wouldn't need to worry about it. [ Jesse interjects quickly. ] The Oldest House won't allow anything inside it that's newer than the early 80s. Needing everything that the modern times thinks you need. The only thing you need to really worry about is the laptop or a computer instead of typewriter... and that's only if you want to keep writing.

[ She finishes eating quickly before she puts the dishes in the sink. A quick wash then it's time to get going. The more they stand around wallowing in worrying what they did to upset each other? The worse it'll keep going. ]

No flying cars just yet. I'm not sure people are ready for that just yet.

[ A quick inhale, and Jesse turns to look at him. ] What would you want to make for dinner?

I wouldn't? I guess that I just thought that I have to catch up, or I'll be even more left behind than I already am. From what you've said, the world has already moved on, and it's just going to keep moving on.

[ He has to try to wrestle down the feeling that the world has moved on without him, that he'll never catch up to it again or find his footing in the world again. Maybe he never had a footing to begin with. No, I know that's not true. I'll find it again. It just might take me awhile. ]

I think that I do want to keep writing, but write what? That's what I'm still figuring out. [ Night Springs is a good idea, but is that what he wants to do forever? He still has to make that decision, as well as quite a few others. ]

You're right, probably not. But that would be something to see. [ He manages a small laugh and a smile that's reminiscent of the one he reserves for her. ]

Well, I was thinking about a steak, but- [ Here, his smile widens into more of a grin. ] I should probably start with something smaller, like a pizza.

You do what you can with the world. It's not like the world is aware of how reality really is anyways. We both know that.

[ She washes off the few dishes she's dirtied and places them on the drying rack. Then, without looking at him, she moves to get her shoes on. It's difficult to pack all her feelings back in the box when he is so adept at unpacking them. She just doesn't want him to see how upset she is that it seems he can't finishing eating, no matter what the meal might be. Even something as small as a bar.

She looks back at him with her eyebrows raised slightly. Steak. Pizza. She can't get him to eat--he may not even be able to cook without feeling he has to stop because the act is too foreign. ]

We can stop at the market on the way home and pick things up if you want.

[ Alan just looks confused, and that confusion sounds in his voice. He's not angry or upset, only confused and just trying his best to figure out where he fits into the world now that he's home. ] So then, what do we do? What am I supposed to do? Go back to writing books hidden in a study? [ He knows that's not what she's saying, and that's not what he wants to do, but he's just trying to make sense of what he should be doing. ] I guess I thought that I could ease myself back into the world, back into... living, but I don't know if I can. But, you know what, we can talk about this another time, or we'll never get to leave.

[ He still feels something inside him sinking a little bit at a time, the longer she goes without looking at him, but at the same time, he knows that she needs to be able to compartmentalize. To compose herself. Maybe she just needs time to do that without being seen. Without being looked at.

Finally, she looks at him with her eyebrows raised and he almost blurts out that those ideas are silly. Of course he can't start with a steak. Maybe he can't even handle making a pizza. When was the last time he made anything that wasn't a manuscript? ]

Never mind. That's- It's stupid. I'm probably not ready for that anyway. [ That feeling seizes control again, the feeling that she needs someone who can function and be reliable, not someone who does things halfway because he simply can't finish what he's started. ]

That's okay. Maybe we can just do takeout, and I'll buy it. [ It won't be so bad if I don't eat it if I'm the one who paid for it, right? Right. ]

Edited 2024-08-06 17:22 (UTC)

[ Jesse doesn't comment on the angry outburst. She's learned that sometimes it's best not to say anything when Alan begins venting. The motion is a way for him to get what's on his mind out, where she locks her feelings and mind down from the outside world.

"...but I don't know if I can."

She stares at the floor for a moment longer at the comment. Her eyes close and her fingers curl slightly on the shoe laces of her sneakers.

« After all we've been through... really? He's going to say that? Sometimes I wonder if he realizes what he says and how it makes others react. » ]

We'll stop and see what you feel like making. [ Jesse repeats herself in a way that makes it clear he won't be arguing or backing down on his suggestion. ] First, we'll just focus on getting coffee. Okay?

[ She doesn't comment on the fact that there would be no point in him ordering take out. Not when she's the only one eating. The wasted money doesn't bother her. The fact that they can't even have a meal together is what bothers her in the end. ]

Come on. Let's get going.

[ Part of him hoped that Jesse, of all people, would understand the meaning behind his words. Another part of him thinks that he's asking too much of her. She can't really know what the last thirteen years were like for him. He doesn't really want her knowing every ugly detail.

He feels separate from the world in a way, and he's not sure if that feeling will ever really leave. He wants it to, and he's determined to push past it as best as he can. But that lingering doubt in the back of his mind won't go away so easily. He doesn't say those words in order to hurt her or throw everything they've been through in her face.

Maybe he shouldn't have said it. Maybe he shouldn't say a lot of things that spill out of him at the worst moments. Maybe if he just tried harder to be normal. It sounds stupid as soon as the thought enters his mind. He can't force himself to be normal, but maybe he can try not to be a basket case. ]

Yeah. Coffee sounds good. Let's start there.

[ Then again, maybe he can and should force himself to be normal. Getting takeout and making himself eat it would be a start, wouldn't it? Maybe that's what he should do, and maybe he shouldn't tell Jesse about it: not because he wants to keep things from her, but because he needs to push himself past the barriers that have built themselves up in his mind.

"Let's get going", she says, and instinctively, Alan reaches for her hand, wanting to hold it in his as they leave the apartment. ]

[ She understands their meaning, but, that doesn't stop words from hurting. Stinging. She knows when he vents that words will come out that are on the top of his head. Words he usually means. She can dismiss them as venting. That doesn't mean they don't brush against something sensitive and vulnerable in her. Words have power and she does her best to lock down her reactions when they are ones he doesn't mean for her to react to. It's a delicate tight rope balance when it comes to Alan Wake.

Her hand catches his as if sensing he has reached out to her. After so many times of him reaching to her on the Hotline, or in manuscripts, or messages, it seems almost automatic and a reflex. Even in the middle of the night she'll roll over into him if he's looking for her. She can see how he struggles with living and night. She knows there is only so much she can do to help. Alan, at some point, will step up and do the rest on his own. Just as he always does.

She manages to lock the door with her other hand.

Jesse can't help but wish things had been more as they were in her head. Date dinners. Being intimate. Kissing him. She feels she's had to lock off a part of their relationship--and she understands why. She agrees to it. There's simply a part of her that ends up aching when they hold hands or hold each other in their bed.

« Baby steps. That's what everyone keeps telling me. » ]

Do you remember your favorite flavor?

[ « I'm guessing "no." » ]

[ The strange thing about this is that even when Alan's losing himself in thoughts and in the terrifying memories he still carries with him, he can still manage to read what might be going on in Jesse's own thoughts. He's not a mind-reader, but he's learned how to read her, and right now, he's asking himself if he's even good for her.

He knows he's hurt her, and he knows that he's continuing to hurt her with his own reactions and ways of putting the thoughts in his mind into words. Maybe he should try harder to stop that. "I can't help it" isn't an excuse, is it? It doesn't feel like one he should be using. He hates that he keeps on hurting her when she's doing everything she can to help him.

"Should I just leave?" is another question that he's asked himself before immediately dismissing it. She didn't fight as hard as she did for him only for him to turn around and abandon her. No, he won't be leaving her, no matter how much his mind tells him he should.

He feels her hand latch onto his, and just the feeling of her touch is enough to make his spiraling thoughts come to a halt. Why is it so easy for him to lose himself in his mind, only for her touch to bring him back? He knows the answer; it's their connection, their bond, and he's not about to let that bond break because he's having difficulties adjusting. No, he just needs to try harder. ]

I love you. [ Maybe it's an odd time for the admission, but it slips out and he doesn't even have an interest in calling it back. Even when I'm having a hard time, I love her. I don't want her forgetting that.

She asks about his favorite flavor, and he knows already that he has no idea what it might have been, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe he can find a new favorite. ]

I wish I did, but that means I can find a new favorite, right? [ He's not even sure why he's asking her to confirm that, but maybe it's something they can do together... something she can help him with.

Baby steps, after all. ]

[ Her hand tightens around his suddenly. Eyes are still trained forward on the door handle. She hasn't moved away just yet. Alan stands at her side and is ready to leave, yet she's standing there. He says those three words that cause a reaction in her every time. ]

I'm sorry. [ The words come from her as fast as his own had left him. Her red hair obscures her face. ] I know you say that I'm doing everything you need. That everything I'm trying is the right thing. You're grateful for everything I've done...

[ « Why can't I help him get over this? » ]

I can't help the feeling that I'm not doing enough. That I'm not good enough for what you need... that maybe Alice would have helped you more. She did help you more when you were together.

[ « I'm not good at any of this. I never have been. Maybe I never will be. » ]

Alice was better for you.

[ He feels her hand curl around his, and he notices how she's pausing. Not moving. She's just standing there, and suddenly, fear sets in. He knows he's always doing and saying the wrong thing; he knows how he reacts upsets her, and he hates it. He hates it more than anyhting. ]

Jesse, stop. None of this is your fault. It's mine, because- No, I don't have an excuse. It's just my fault, all of it is. I'm not trying hard enough, and I know I'm not.

[ He feels some crazy, wild, desperate desire to make himself be all right because she needs him to be. ]

We'll get coffee... what do they call it? A latte. Espresso. Something. [ The words feel foreign as he says them, but he can't let himself think about that. ] Coffee shops have flavors, right? I'll try one of those and then I'll remember what I liked before.

[ He squeezes her hand as his desperation rises. ]

You are doing enough, and now it's time that I do enough for you in return. I'll be better; I'll work harder, and we'll be how we're supposed to be.

[ He lifts his other hand to wrap it around hers as he tries to meet her eyes. ]

I loved Alice, but I love you, Jesse. You're who I need. Who I want to be with. You believe me, don't you?

[ I need her to believe me, that I'm not just stringing her along. I'm not, I want to be with her. I want us to be how we were in the loops. What if she doesn't believe me? ]

[ Her hand tightens around his. In case he thought she was letting go of him or sending him away. That's not it. She just feels... inadequate. Failing in her duty as his partner, let alone being the Director. Alan will say otherwise, but Jesse knows that she is beyond her comfort zone when it comes to caring for him. It's something that she wants to keep pushing for his sake. She just can't look past how she keeps screwing everything up between them.

Her eyes lift to meet his. There's no anger or bitterness in her gaze. Not eve disappointment in him or his current state. Just the look of a continued apology for not being the sort of woman Alice Wake was--especially in being his partner. She's not an artist, she never another partner to trust. ]

We both know you can't force any of this, Alan. [ Her voice is gentle and in hushed tones. ] If you don't remember, then that's fine. It's okay. I just... wish I was better at any of this.

You fought to get back to our reality. You did everything you could to save as many people as you could. Maybe I'm the one who needs to do more to help you. I don't know what that it's, but, maybe it's because I'm not--[ she pauses and looks back down, ]--I'm not skilled at being a partner. Let alone being someone you would think to be with for the rest of your life.

[ Almost immediately, he squeezes her hand in return. He doesn't want to leave her any more than he wants her to ask him to leave. But he knows he's having difficulty adjusting and being part of life again. Even trying to discuss coffee and what people tend to like when they put in their coffee order felt strange to him, almost foolish in a way. When all he had to focus on was surviving and ending the story so he could come home, there was no room for anything else.

Now there's room for those things again, but he doesn't know how to let them in. It's not Jesse's fault that she isn't sure how to help, and maybe he shouldn't expect her to shoulder the load alongside him. It's enough that she's still with him, that she's still letting him be with her.

That's all he's looking for, in the end: someone to share a life with. ]

Maybe I should try forcing it, just a little; just enough to get past this block in my head. And you don't have to try to be better, because you're doing everything you should. Everything I could ask for. I'm the one who needs to be better.

[ He gives her hand a squeeze again, and his answer spills out almost immediately. ]

Just being here is helping me. Even when I can't sleep, or have a nightmare, or whatever the hell it is, you just being here is enough. You don't have to do more than that.

[ The mental blocks are things he has to try and push past, and even though it may take him a long time to break through those barriers, he wants to try. He wants to do it for her. ]

You don't have to have all the answers; you're already the person I want to be with for the rest of our lives, Jesse.

[ « Wasn't that what started all of this? Writer's Block. He and Alice went to Bright Falls as a way to restart their marriage. Come back together. Help him be able to write again. Now, it's just spread to everything else. Not that the cause is the same... but, what if it's linked? »

Green eyes lift to his gray ones again. He knows when she is communicating with Polaris. He's learned the tells of her body language and how her gaze shifts away. Now, her head raises to look up at him. ]

Are you getting better?

[ He may not know the answer. There might not even be an answer. Still, she feels she has to ask. She needs to know where Alan feels he is not only in recovery but in his own mind.

Then, he says that last set of words.

« Damnit. Why is he so GOOD at words?

I'm... he wants to be with me? For the rest of his life? Us. Because, you're here too. Is he really okay with that...? For life? »

Jesse turns to him. Then, she leans forward. Just enough so her forehead touches his shoulder. Her fingers shift to slide against his even though his hands covers hers entirely. ]

I miss you.

[ « I hope he understands what I mean. » ]

[ Oddly enough, or perhaps not so oddly, Alan's thoughts seem to be mirroring Jesse's. He's thinking back to a time years ago now, a time when he wasn't his best. He wasn't better. This all started because Alice wanted to help the only way she thought she could: by getting them away from the city and onto a retreat of sorts.

What actually happened was much worse than either of them could have imagined. But it wasn't all bad. Because of it, I met Jesse. Because of it, I have a chance of being better. ]

Not yet. I- I'm trying. It probably doesn't look like it, and you're probably getting tired of this, but I promise I'm trying.

[ I don't want her to give up and leave me. I know I sound desperate, and maybe I am, but I mean what I said. I want us to be together. Always.

She leans forward, pressing her forehead to his shoulder, and he carefully unwinds one hand from hers so he can circle his arm protectively around her back. ]

I miss you too.

[ I miss how I was before. How we were before. I have to get that back. ]

[ The expression falls just slightly. That's not the answer she wanted, but, it's an honest answer. She can't ask for more than that in the end.

« Truth is better than lies. Even if the answer isn't what I want. »

She won't leave him. Leaving people behind is no longer an option and hasn't been since she became Director. Alan falls under multiple categories. Just like Dylan. ]

Then, I need to do more. I know you are going to say that I'm doing enough. That it's more than enough. It's not. Not until you feel you're getting better. Making some kind of progress... once you feel you're really home.

[ « It feels like part of him never came home. That part of him that is so determined. One helped him deal with his fears and go back to finish the story and save Saga and Casey. Was... was part od him coming back home? Leaving part of himself behind forever? » ]

...You'd really want to spend the rest of your life with me? Us?

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