synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

The focus, huh? I've never liked that, not even when I was trying to promote my books before. But as long as it's with you, I don't mind so much.

[ He's not really sure when he became so content with being quiet in the background. Probably thirteen years of having his mind poked at didn't help with his mindset. Now, he just wants a nice life with Jesse. No spotlights, no interviews, no publicity.

Fortunately, he doesn't notice Jesse watching him as he takes sips of the coffee. He's so focused on trying to drink it that her glances go completely unnoticed. He's not sure if he likes it, but how much of that is having forgotten what eating and drinking is? He stares down at the coffee, wondering if this is just how it's going to be for him: he'll eat and drink but not really enjoy it. It'll be something that he does, but that's it. It's just an action like getting up in the morning and getting dressed.

I don't want that. I want it to be more than that; I want it to be normal. But maybe I'll never have that again.

Fingers curl more around the coffee cup as he tries to navigate his thoughts and reactions before he decides to just put that to the side for now. ]

... Like what kind of things? I don't think I was much of a decorator even before all this.

[ He can't quite picture the apartment he shared with Alice, and even if he could, he wouldn't want to bring elements of that into Jesse's apartment. This space is theirs, but it was hers first. Somehow, he feels like he needs to respect that.

He wouldn't know where to start with picking out things to bring to the apartment. ]

I know, but, you need these things. It's not just... putting you in the spotlight to do it. [ Jesse finally looks back at him properly. A worry hangs in the back of her gaze that she won't voice. ] Anything. Pictures, blankets, dishes. It's not just my apartment. It's ours.

[ She shifts then to look at him properly. Head on. If they were in private she'd take his face into her hands and force him to focus on her. It's not hard for her to see when he's lost in his own thoughts. Alan has a particular look on his face when he's thinking and far in his thoughts. Not that it's the same as when he was drowned out by the Dark Presence. She knows both of of those expressions. Thankfully, she hasn't seen the latter since the first days of him returning to their reality. ]

You're not---it's not just that you're staying temporarily. Or an add on to my life. We're together. Sharing a space. You can't just... go along with things that are mine. We need to find things together and make it our space.

Clothes are the priority. Anything else is secondary.

[ The hand holding his squeezes it before resting on his leg. ] Al--[ she stops herself short in case anyone can hear, ]--I know all of this is difficult. Okay? But, I can't let you just keep... just floating along. You're trying. I know you are.

Edited 2024-10-07 04:53 (UTC)

Okay. I- I've asked you to do so much for me already that I don't want to ask you to do more, but... [ His eyes lower once more even as he sees her shift and feels her gaze lock onto his. ] Can you help me with this? And then I won't ask you for more after that.

[ He just knows that if he was left to his own devices to find things that add his own personal touch to her apartment, he'd take hours to do it, and then at the end of it all, probably come home empty-handed.

He wouldn't be lying if he said that re-learning how to live is one of the hardest things about this. Living and surviving are two very different things, and Alan's realizing he's having to completely reframe his way of thinking and acting. ]

I know that, I do. I tried so hard to come home; we tried so hard to make it happen. I'm not leaving, I'm not going to disappear. I'm here and I'm staying here, but I forgot what it was like to live with someone else. To wake up to you every morning. [ I used to wake up to A- No, that's in the past now. I'm with Jesse now. ] I like waking up to you every morning.

[ A flash of that old determination of his has come up out of nowhere, and it seems to be stubbornly hanging on for the time being. ]

Clothes. Okay. I think I can manage clothes. [ Somehow. ]

And yeah, I know. I know you're right, I can't keep living like this. It's not living, is it? [ He shakes his head once, and then he adds: ] I'm sorry that I'm so bad at this. I'm really trying to get better.

[ And having said that, he makes himself lift the cup again and take another sip. The coffee's cooling off, but that doesn't bother him. ]

Of course. I've always been helping you. Ever since the first time you reached out to us.

[ He'll know who she means by that. They're in public and Polaris is technically classified information. She also knows that he doesn't need her to repeat any of what she's said. Who knows how many times she has said something similar to it during all the loops of "Return."

« Maybe it's something we just need to keep repeating. »

She squeezes his leg again. That wall comes down just enough for him to see that vulnerability she doesn't show to anyone else. Alan Wake still has a way with words and managing to entirely disarm her. That sentence may not mean much to anyone else, but to Jesse Faden, it feels like a colossal shift. Almost as if gravity itself has shifted.

« He... really likes seeing me every morning? I never thought ANYONE would ever say that to me. How can---damn it. He's so good at this. » ]

No, it's not living. It's existing. [ The slight nod of her head shows she understands. ] Come on.

[ She stands up and quickly thanks the coffee shop owner before leading Alan outside. Her free hand immediately goes back to his, fingers slipping between the open spaces. She briefly leans against his arm to further demonstrate how much of what he said matters to her. ]

We won't go to a big mall or anything. Just some of the local shops.

I know, and I love you for it. It's more than anyone's ever done for me.

[ He looks up at her again, and this time, he's smiling. It's a wider smile than she may have seen from him before, and it reaches his eyes and forms crinkles on his face.

It's different than his other attempts at smiling, because this time? This time, he's actually happy. He may still have a long way to go, but right now, he's happy and content.

She squeezes his leg and his smile widens even further when he sees that wall come down and sees Jesse Faden looking back at him. She doesn't let that wall down for just anyone, so he considers himself incredibly fortunate that he's the one she's chosen to let in. All he wants is to make her as happy as she's made him, and he hopes that he's beginning to finally do that for her. ]

Existing. That's what it was like in the Dark Place too. I don't want to do that anymore. I want- I want to live. [ He probably doesn't even need to state that aloud, but it feels like it's important.

Then she stands up and he follows suit, quickly draining what's left of the coffee before he lets her lead him outside the shop. His lips turn up again when she takes his hand and her fingers slide in between his. They curl instantly against hers, twining themselves together in an interlocking pattern. ]

Okay, sounds good. [ He tries then to think about something he could get that would be theirs, and then from almost out of nowhere, it hits him... Except it's less of a hit and more of a brush against his mind. ]

Hey, you know those things they have that couples get sometimes? His and hers? Like a couple of matching keychains.

[ He knows she'll know what he's talking about. ]

What about something like that? Coffee mugs, or sweaters... I know it sounds stupid. [ She'll probably shoot it down, but it's worth a try, right? ]

Maybe not the most someone has ever done.

[ « Alice has done plenty for him. »

She still holds her coffee cup in one hand his in the other. They've begun walking by the time he mentions the matching couples items. The coffee mugs and sweaters barely registers as her mind hones in on keychains. Keychains. Hers is on her at the moment as she never leaves with out. A way for Alan to find her if he ever needs it. At least, that's what she likes to think.

Her hand tightens in immediately. ] We can find matching cups. That's fine.

[ Eyes dart down before looking back to his. The vulnerable look remains as her hand squeezes once again. Beyond the keychains, one thought of one item has been hovering in her mind. It's far too early to even think of the word or the action. Still, it would symbolize their relationship as fully coming together. ]

[ The look he gives her is a pointed one, with some indeterminable emotion blazing in his eyes; it came on suddenly before Alan was even really aware of it, but he knows without a doubt that he wouldn't be here if Jesse hadn't been there along the way. ]

Maybe not? [ He shakes his head in almost disbelief. ] You saved me, Jesse. [ Maybe not in the usual sense of the word, but Alan's resolute in his belief that Jesse was instrumental in getting him back here. Sure, he had help from others and he's grateful to them, but it's her that he's choosing to focus on. ]

Only "fine"? We should find something that you want too. [ If only I could find the keychain... it has to be here somewhere; I wouldn't lose it, not that. Unless the Dark Presence took it from me. No, I need to go looking again. ]

If there's something that you want, we should try to find it. [ The way her eyes have darted down without quite concealing that vulnerability in her gaze and the way she squeezes his hand tells him that there's something more... something she wants more than a couple of silly his and hers mugs. But what is it? ]

We'll find it while we're looking around. [ That is, if his usual intuition when it comes to her kicks in. ]

I'm saying I wasn't the only one that's ever helped you. I'm sure others have put in just as much as I have. Just... I'm the more obvious one.

[ « Alice reached out to you, me, Alan... from wherever she is now. Ahti helped. Saga and Casey did too. Plenty of people did a part thar he probably has no idea about. He just sees my part more because ... he loves me. »

Her gaze drifts down and stares at the sidewalk with the vulnerable look lingering. How can she explain it? Alan is barely able to eat and drink. They haven't figured out how they'll handle if he's announcing Alan Wake has returned or if he will adopt a fake name. There are far too many little complications to even begin breaching the idea of them being married. ]

No. Alan, stop. I meant exactly that. Fine is good. I.. I just thought that you wouldn't want something like that.

[ « The keychains were my idea. I insisted on them in the loops. Just like I insisted on us being together. This relationship isn't just about me and what I want... so, if he wants something like that? Then, we find it. » ]

I know of a few places we can look after we see about some clothes for you.

[ Alan quiets for a moment as Jesse's words wash over him. He's drifting in his thoughts but not washing away, although flashes of memories are resurfacing: standing with Alice as the sunrises, waiting inside a room in the sheriff's station, and... standing by a wall with his ear pressed to the surface as if listening intently for something.

No, he knows that he had help along the way, more people than he could ever hope to count or even name. But Jesse saved him; she came when he called out to her, and she helped him when he wasn't able to help himself. He does love her, and he knows he'll never stop loving her, no matter what obstacles they still have to navigate.

Her gaze seems to fall, and he feels a sense of worry grip him, wondering what's on her mind. It must be his fault, because of his inability to do more than just float along, just existing and not living. She said he shouldn't push himself, but he can't see what else he can do. He has to do something. ]

But it's not enough, is it? You want more, and you deserve more. I should be giving you more.

[ If only he felt more settled. If only he felt like he was really living again. Then, it wouldn't be difficult at all to just walk into a store and find a set of rings for both of them. He'd marry her in a second with no hesitation at all, if not for the fact that he's still trying to ground himself. He's still trying to just live. ]

All right. And after we've done that, we'll find something for you too. [ Something for both of them, if it all goes well. It has to go well. It's gone wrong too many times already, and that has to change now. ]

So, where to now? [ He's realizing he doesn't actually know where anything is around here anymore; things change after thirteen years, and the places Alan might have shopped at before may not even still be around. ]

Alan. [ Jesse's tone is sharp. Precise. Stop.

He's looping again. They've had this conversation already within the last twenty-four hours. How he wants to do more and be more and be alive. How she wants more but is settling for the reality of the situation. They've already decided a plan of action. ]

We'll take it a step at a time.

[ Jesse begins to lead him to a store. Not a major one like Macy's or Nordstrom. A smaller one that seems to simply have the basics. They walk in and are welcomed. She nods and then turns to looks at Alan. ]

Take a look around and see if anything sticks out. Maybe something you remember from before. Or, like it.

[ She says his name sharply and he doesn't quite manage to stop the flinch reaction or the way he instantly looks down at the ground. He knows he started looping again, getting lost in his own worries and fears, but it happens automatically and by the time he realizes he's caught in a loop again, it's too late to call back anything he's said. Maybe he'll never get past this, but he wants to. He wants the looping to stop, to happen less and less often, but so far, that has yet to happen. ]

Okay, I'm sorry. Again. [ He wants to shake his head and scrub his eyes as if that will stop himself from spiraling out, but at least for now, nothing seems to help. ]

It doesn't look too different from what I remember from before. [ His lips turn up into a half smile. ] It's normal, nothing too out there. I guess I thought that thirteen years later, people would have gone a little wild.

[ But what does he know? He's certainly not some fashion expert. Maybe it's good that things haven't changed too much, although that still doesn't clear it up for Alan just what he should choose. Part of him just wants to point at something and pick that, because he just doesn't know where to start.

He starts to walk around the shop, looking at the different things they have for sale, trying to stop himself from thinking about how much this might cost and how much Jesse wants to spend. Then he spots some flannel shirts in different colors, and after a moment's hesitation, he walks over to look at them. ]

[ Part of her feels ripped to pieces that he flinches and looks down. She hates acting like the Director around him. That she has to assert herself to get him to stop and focus. How else can she get him to stop spiraling?

Jesse follows him through the store quietly. She let's go of his hand in order to let him wander as he will. The frustration and agitation is obvious in his shoulders as they move along.

She stops as he moves to the flannels. A glance to the side. Then, she comes up behind him quietly and takes a drink. Green eyes move over the different colors before lifting up to him. ]

[ He said he wants to live, and he does, but there's still a part of him that doesn't remember how to do that yet. This is going to help, because it has to, but he finds himself still at a loss about how to do something as simple as picking out clothes.

At least the flannel shirts are something familiar, and they're comfortable too. He scans the different options, looking at the different colors, and then he spots the price tag.

He looks over his shoulder at Jesse as if wondering if this is really okay with her. Maybe since the clothes are for him, he should see about getting money from his own accounts to pay for things. That's another thing he needs to have settled. ]

What do you think about those?

You were wearing a flannel shirt when we first met. Face to face.

[ Not all the memories are there from the first loop. She does remember the flannel and jeans. He wore it time and time again after that. Maybe it was comfortable, or maybe it was important to him for some reason she never knew. At least a reason he never shared.

A glance at the price tag and she nods. The price is fine. He doesn't have his own income yet. ]

Is there a color you like?

[ « Something tells me that he'll go to the black and white one. » ]

A flannel shirt... [ He knows he has an association, an affinity for flannel shirts. They're comfortable and warm, and they just make him feel good. Safe. Content. Why is that? He has flashes of recollections that could explain that, but they're just flashes. Maybe they were more at one point. ]

Yeah, I remember. When I met you, it was at the sheriff's station and they gave me some clothes from the lost and found. [ He dimly remembers being unsure about wearing someone else's clothes, but weirdly enough, the flannel fit him like a glove, and so he didn't complain.

She asks about the colors of the shirts and if he likes one of them, so his gaze turns back to look at them again. He points to the black and white one, as she guessed, but then he points to a darker green and black one as well. ]

[ Jesse nods slowly. From what she can recall, most of the time Alan had the clothes presumably from the FBI Agents. The little memories she can pull up from the first loop (she thinks) had him in the clothes when they first spoke about ... well, everything.

She gently reaches out to take the two shirts he has selected. Green and black.

« Huh. I don't think I've ever seen him pick those. » ]

Let's look around more. Find some other things for you to try on.

[ Similarly, Alan doesn't remember a lot about those first loops, but he remembers feelings... sensations... Flashes of thoughts he had back then. And he remembers that the clothes he was given were just worn enough that they were broken in and comfortable; not too old, but not brand new either. It made him feel reassured, in a way, although everything around him was as far from reassuring as it could be.

Maybe that, along with a feeling that he can't quite explain, is why he still feels drawn to flannel shirts. Then, Jesse suggests looking around more and finding more clothes, and he just looks around the shop as if unsure where to start next.

Obviously, he needs more than a couple of shirts, so he just slowly moves over to the next rack of clothes that makes sense: jeans. And probably after that, he'll need to find outerwear. ]

Sorry, this probably isn't that interesting to you. [ It was her suggestion, but how interesting can it be watching someone wander around trying to find things he likes? ]

You'd be doing the same thing if I were the one shopping. It's not a bother, Alan. [ She shakes her head. ] Just go to what seems comfortable. Things to wear around the apartment.

[ Jesse follows him but not closely. Enough to give him some space so he can take his time and make his decision. She doesn't want to force or pressure him. He needs to decide these things on his own. She's there to support and maybe direct him... even if she doesn't like the idea of being his director in any sense. ]

See anything else you like?

Edited 2024-10-14 06:03 (UTC)

If I went with what was comfortable, it'd be nothing but more of those. [ He huffs out a laugh and gives her a small smile. ] That's not really practical, is it? How do people do this?

[ He finds himself hesitating, suddenly unsure how to keep going or what he should look at next, but then his eyes land on some plainly colored t-shirts hanging on a rack and he goes over to them, pulling a couple of them off.

The rack next to them has some shorts that get the same treatment. He's not really sure of anything, but at least t-shirts and shorts are easy enough. ]

What next?

[ He looks down as if surveying himself and then he remembers jeans and other bottoms are a thing as well. ]

I don't want to know how much this is all going to cost.

Well, they're a start. [ Jesse smiles back in an attempt to make him truly laugh. It is a start. The fact he's picked out something of his own is monumental. ] Don't worry about the price, Alan. I can afford it.

[ « It's not like we spend much anyways. Most the time I lived at the Oldest House... so, this is going to be fine. »

Polaris shifts slightly in agreement. ]

You'll need to try them on. Are you going to be okay doing that?

[ She imagines Alan is different sizes than what he remembers--if he remembers it at all. ]

[ Her smile makes his own widen; she just has that effect on him even when he's feeling uncertain what to do or how to feel or... anything. She smiles and it makes him want to smile too. Laughter is something else he's working on, but he likes to think that he'll always be able to smile for her. ]

I know, but- it's not fair that you're having to do everything. I'm going to figure out what happened to what I had before: at least what happened to my accounts. I can't keep letting you handle everything.

[ She says he needs to try on the things that he picked out, and for just a second, his hands curl into the clothes in his hand as a sudden uncertainty latches on. But he can't let that stop him, and he forces himself to nod. ]

Yeah, I'll be fine. I can manage.

[ It's just trying on clothes, right? After walking back into the Dark Place on his own, this is easy. Right? Right. ]

[ « Not a laugh, but, good enough for now. We're making progress today. » ]

I know what happened to them. I... had the Buearu look into it after you were back home. For good. We'll talk about it tonight. Okay?

[ She leads him to the back where the changing rooms are. Jesse pulls the attendant over and quietly explains Alan needs to try clothes on but is suffering from post-traumatic stress. She'll need to wait in the hallway. The attendant nods in understanding, counts the amount of clothes Alan has, then leads him to a changing room. She gently closes the door and Jesse waits in the hall.

Polaris brushes up against Alan's mind. ]

[ He looks at her and he just thinks about how much he loves her. Even though he still feels like he lost part of himself in the Dark Place, he knows he didn't lose the part that loves her more than anything. ]

Wait, you know what happened to them? [ That surprises him; not the fact that she knows, but the fact that whatever assets he had weren't seized or used to pay off any expenses he might have left behind when he disappeared. ] Okay. Talking about it later is fine.

[ He follows her to the changing rooms and waits while Jesse talks to the attendant. Suddenly he feels nervous about this, but there's nothing to be nervous about, right? He tries to keep telling himself that as he's led to a room and steps inside as the attendant closes the door.

Once he's alone, he hesitates. Just one thing at a time, Alan. Remove one thing at a time. He feels Polaris brushing against his mind, and he smiles again. Hi, Polaris. Trying to keep me company or something?

His shirt comes off first, and he stares at the mirror hanging from the wall, looking at his reflection. When was the last time that he looked at himself in a mirror, either clothed or unclothed? He can't remember; the sight in front of him looks foreign to his eyes.

Maybe the Dark Place didn't leave physical scars behind, or if it did, they healed up and became all but invisible, but Alan can't shake the feeling that he looks different.

To try and distract himself from the uncomfortable feeling he feels rising, he starts trying on the clothes, one thing at a time until he's gone through all of them. He doesn't feel different in a physical sense, but the clothes seem to hang looser on him than he remembers. He doesn't remember going through changes in the Dark Place, but then again, it's hard for him to remember a lot about the Dark Place, given how many loops he went through.

The t-shirts are fine; he doesn't mind those being too baggy. The shorts and the flannel shirts are what needs sizing down, so he scoops up all the different clothes and exits the room, heading back out to the hall where Jesse waits. ]

[ Jesse simply nods. It was part of procedure in a way. If Alan Wake were to return to the public eye, then, there would be legalities. Issues. Maybe it was more Jesse trying to handle everything she could so all Alan had to do was focus on recovering from thirteen years in another dimension.

« I underestimated how long it could take. »

She knows what she sees when Alan has shed layers. Obviously, the man she loves. Even more than that is simply the weight he's lost. He's not eating. Of course he will lose weight. That isn't the fault of the Dark Presence or the Dark Place.

« Cause and effect.

Is it bad of me to hope he understands why I'm worried if he sees it in the mirror? »

Polaris shifts but doesn't answer with words. Instead, a feeling comes to his mind. One of simply replying to a request from her host: to make sure Alan remains calm and remembers he isn't trapped anywhere now.

Jesse raises her head once he steps out. ] How did they fit? Did you like them?

[ At first, Alan wasn't in any sort of state of mind to even think about the legalities and about the assets and affairs he left behind, but as time went on after he came home, it began to occur to him that he had some things he had to get settled. Truthfully, thinking about it only made him anxious, but he couldn't ignore it forever. At the time, he just wasn't ready to really think about it, much less handle it. Maybe he's not ready now either, but he's going to have to be sooner or later.

He'd also be lying to himself if he said he wasn't startled by what he saw in the mirror. It's nothing more than cause and effect just as Jesse thought, but to see the results of not eating looking back at him was jarring. Maybe on some level, he pretended not to notice, or he just covered it up with looser clothes to give the illusion of being fine, but without the layers to cover it up, he couldn't pretend it wasn't there.

This has to be why she's worried. Well, one of several things.

Somehow, the admission doesn't make the knowledge of what he needs to be doing any easier. He knows what he needs to do, which is eat like a normal person and live in the real world again, but that's easier said than done. Alan feels his thoughts threatening to spiral as his anxieties rise, and that's when he tries to reach out to Polaris, because he can't go to pieces. He can't start to panic and let himself become overwhelmed, not here in this store. He forces himself to breathe through his nose, almost willing himself to calm down before he rejoins Jesse outside.

Once he's back out in the hall with Jesse, he does his best to appear calm. Normal. Like someone picking out clothes to extend their wardrobe. ]

Fine, I guess. [ Well, that wasn't the answer he was supposed to give. He holds up half of the items he picked out to show her. ] These are fine. [ He does the same with the flannel shirts that he has in his other hand. ]

Maybe they have these in another size. [ He tries to keep his tone level as if what he said is normal and doesn't have anything else attached to it. Seeing himself in the mirror made it clear that she's probably noticed his weight loss, and he can imagine it makes her worry.

I make her worry too much, don't I? ]

Edited 2024-10-20 22:04 (UTC)

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outlierdirector - 2024-10-23 16:54 (UTC) - Expand

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crazyisinevitable - 2024-10-24 04:48 (UTC) - Expand

oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

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