synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

[ Alan just looks confused, and that confusion sounds in his voice. He's not angry or upset, only confused and just trying his best to figure out where he fits into the world now that he's home. ] So then, what do we do? What am I supposed to do? Go back to writing books hidden in a study? [ He knows that's not what she's saying, and that's not what he wants to do, but he's just trying to make sense of what he should be doing. ] I guess I thought that I could ease myself back into the world, back into... living, but I don't know if I can. But, you know what, we can talk about this another time, or we'll never get to leave.

[ He still feels something inside him sinking a little bit at a time, the longer she goes without looking at him, but at the same time, he knows that she needs to be able to compartmentalize. To compose herself. Maybe she just needs time to do that without being seen. Without being looked at.

Finally, she looks at him with her eyebrows raised and he almost blurts out that those ideas are silly. Of course he can't start with a steak. Maybe he can't even handle making a pizza. When was the last time he made anything that wasn't a manuscript? ]

Never mind. That's- It's stupid. I'm probably not ready for that anyway. [ That feeling seizes control again, the feeling that she needs someone who can function and be reliable, not someone who does things halfway because he simply can't finish what he's started. ]

That's okay. Maybe we can just do takeout, and I'll buy it. [ It won't be so bad if I don't eat it if I'm the one who paid for it, right? Right. ]

Edited 2024-08-06 17:22 (UTC)

[ Jesse doesn't comment on the angry outburst. She's learned that sometimes it's best not to say anything when Alan begins venting. The motion is a way for him to get what's on his mind out, where she locks her feelings and mind down from the outside world.

"...but I don't know if I can."

She stares at the floor for a moment longer at the comment. Her eyes close and her fingers curl slightly on the shoe laces of her sneakers.

« After all we've been through... really? He's going to say that? Sometimes I wonder if he realizes what he says and how it makes others react. » ]

We'll stop and see what you feel like making. [ Jesse repeats herself in a way that makes it clear he won't be arguing or backing down on his suggestion. ] First, we'll just focus on getting coffee. Okay?

[ She doesn't comment on the fact that there would be no point in him ordering take out. Not when she's the only one eating. The wasted money doesn't bother her. The fact that they can't even have a meal together is what bothers her in the end. ]

Come on. Let's get going.

[ Part of him hoped that Jesse, of all people, would understand the meaning behind his words. Another part of him thinks that he's asking too much of her. She can't really know what the last thirteen years were like for him. He doesn't really want her knowing every ugly detail.

He feels separate from the world in a way, and he's not sure if that feeling will ever really leave. He wants it to, and he's determined to push past it as best as he can. But that lingering doubt in the back of his mind won't go away so easily. He doesn't say those words in order to hurt her or throw everything they've been through in her face.

Maybe he shouldn't have said it. Maybe he shouldn't say a lot of things that spill out of him at the worst moments. Maybe if he just tried harder to be normal. It sounds stupid as soon as the thought enters his mind. He can't force himself to be normal, but maybe he can try not to be a basket case. ]

Yeah. Coffee sounds good. Let's start there.

[ Then again, maybe he can and should force himself to be normal. Getting takeout and making himself eat it would be a start, wouldn't it? Maybe that's what he should do, and maybe he shouldn't tell Jesse about it: not because he wants to keep things from her, but because he needs to push himself past the barriers that have built themselves up in his mind.

"Let's get going", she says, and instinctively, Alan reaches for her hand, wanting to hold it in his as they leave the apartment. ]

[ She understands their meaning, but, that doesn't stop words from hurting. Stinging. She knows when he vents that words will come out that are on the top of his head. Words he usually means. She can dismiss them as venting. That doesn't mean they don't brush against something sensitive and vulnerable in her. Words have power and she does her best to lock down her reactions when they are ones he doesn't mean for her to react to. It's a delicate tight rope balance when it comes to Alan Wake.

Her hand catches his as if sensing he has reached out to her. After so many times of him reaching to her on the Hotline, or in manuscripts, or messages, it seems almost automatic and a reflex. Even in the middle of the night she'll roll over into him if he's looking for her. She can see how he struggles with living and night. She knows there is only so much she can do to help. Alan, at some point, will step up and do the rest on his own. Just as he always does.

She manages to lock the door with her other hand.

Jesse can't help but wish things had been more as they were in her head. Date dinners. Being intimate. Kissing him. She feels she's had to lock off a part of their relationship--and she understands why. She agrees to it. There's simply a part of her that ends up aching when they hold hands or hold each other in their bed.

« Baby steps. That's what everyone keeps telling me. » ]

Do you remember your favorite flavor?

[ « I'm guessing "no." » ]

[ The strange thing about this is that even when Alan's losing himself in thoughts and in the terrifying memories he still carries with him, he can still manage to read what might be going on in Jesse's own thoughts. He's not a mind-reader, but he's learned how to read her, and right now, he's asking himself if he's even good for her.

He knows he's hurt her, and he knows that he's continuing to hurt her with his own reactions and ways of putting the thoughts in his mind into words. Maybe he should try harder to stop that. "I can't help it" isn't an excuse, is it? It doesn't feel like one he should be using. He hates that he keeps on hurting her when she's doing everything she can to help him.

"Should I just leave?" is another question that he's asked himself before immediately dismissing it. She didn't fight as hard as she did for him only for him to turn around and abandon her. No, he won't be leaving her, no matter how much his mind tells him he should.

He feels her hand latch onto his, and just the feeling of her touch is enough to make his spiraling thoughts come to a halt. Why is it so easy for him to lose himself in his mind, only for her touch to bring him back? He knows the answer; it's their connection, their bond, and he's not about to let that bond break because he's having difficulties adjusting. No, he just needs to try harder. ]

I love you. [ Maybe it's an odd time for the admission, but it slips out and he doesn't even have an interest in calling it back. Even when I'm having a hard time, I love her. I don't want her forgetting that.

She asks about his favorite flavor, and he knows already that he has no idea what it might have been, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe he can find a new favorite. ]

I wish I did, but that means I can find a new favorite, right? [ He's not even sure why he's asking her to confirm that, but maybe it's something they can do together... something she can help him with.

Baby steps, after all. ]

[ Her hand tightens around his suddenly. Eyes are still trained forward on the door handle. She hasn't moved away just yet. Alan stands at her side and is ready to leave, yet she's standing there. He says those three words that cause a reaction in her every time. ]

I'm sorry. [ The words come from her as fast as his own had left him. Her red hair obscures her face. ] I know you say that I'm doing everything you need. That everything I'm trying is the right thing. You're grateful for everything I've done...

[ « Why can't I help him get over this? » ]

I can't help the feeling that I'm not doing enough. That I'm not good enough for what you need... that maybe Alice would have helped you more. She did help you more when you were together.

[ « I'm not good at any of this. I never have been. Maybe I never will be. » ]

Alice was better for you.

[ He feels her hand curl around his, and he notices how she's pausing. Not moving. She's just standing there, and suddenly, fear sets in. He knows he's always doing and saying the wrong thing; he knows how he reacts upsets her, and he hates it. He hates it more than anyhting. ]

Jesse, stop. None of this is your fault. It's mine, because- No, I don't have an excuse. It's just my fault, all of it is. I'm not trying hard enough, and I know I'm not.

[ He feels some crazy, wild, desperate desire to make himself be all right because she needs him to be. ]

We'll get coffee... what do they call it? A latte. Espresso. Something. [ The words feel foreign as he says them, but he can't let himself think about that. ] Coffee shops have flavors, right? I'll try one of those and then I'll remember what I liked before.

[ He squeezes her hand as his desperation rises. ]

You are doing enough, and now it's time that I do enough for you in return. I'll be better; I'll work harder, and we'll be how we're supposed to be.

[ He lifts his other hand to wrap it around hers as he tries to meet her eyes. ]

I loved Alice, but I love you, Jesse. You're who I need. Who I want to be with. You believe me, don't you?

[ I need her to believe me, that I'm not just stringing her along. I'm not, I want to be with her. I want us to be how we were in the loops. What if she doesn't believe me? ]

[ Her hand tightens around his. In case he thought she was letting go of him or sending him away. That's not it. She just feels... inadequate. Failing in her duty as his partner, let alone being the Director. Alan will say otherwise, but Jesse knows that she is beyond her comfort zone when it comes to caring for him. It's something that she wants to keep pushing for his sake. She just can't look past how she keeps screwing everything up between them.

Her eyes lift to meet his. There's no anger or bitterness in her gaze. Not eve disappointment in him or his current state. Just the look of a continued apology for not being the sort of woman Alice Wake was--especially in being his partner. She's not an artist, she never another partner to trust. ]

We both know you can't force any of this, Alan. [ Her voice is gentle and in hushed tones. ] If you don't remember, then that's fine. It's okay. I just... wish I was better at any of this.

You fought to get back to our reality. You did everything you could to save as many people as you could. Maybe I'm the one who needs to do more to help you. I don't know what that it's, but, maybe it's because I'm not--[ she pauses and looks back down, ]--I'm not skilled at being a partner. Let alone being someone you would think to be with for the rest of your life.

[ Almost immediately, he squeezes her hand in return. He doesn't want to leave her any more than he wants her to ask him to leave. But he knows he's having difficulty adjusting and being part of life again. Even trying to discuss coffee and what people tend to like when they put in their coffee order felt strange to him, almost foolish in a way. When all he had to focus on was surviving and ending the story so he could come home, there was no room for anything else.

Now there's room for those things again, but he doesn't know how to let them in. It's not Jesse's fault that she isn't sure how to help, and maybe he shouldn't expect her to shoulder the load alongside him. It's enough that she's still with him, that she's still letting him be with her.

That's all he's looking for, in the end: someone to share a life with. ]

Maybe I should try forcing it, just a little; just enough to get past this block in my head. And you don't have to try to be better, because you're doing everything you should. Everything I could ask for. I'm the one who needs to be better.

[ He gives her hand a squeeze again, and his answer spills out almost immediately. ]

Just being here is helping me. Even when I can't sleep, or have a nightmare, or whatever the hell it is, you just being here is enough. You don't have to do more than that.

[ The mental blocks are things he has to try and push past, and even though it may take him a long time to break through those barriers, he wants to try. He wants to do it for her. ]

You don't have to have all the answers; you're already the person I want to be with for the rest of our lives, Jesse.

[ « Wasn't that what started all of this? Writer's Block. He and Alice went to Bright Falls as a way to restart their marriage. Come back together. Help him be able to write again. Now, it's just spread to everything else. Not that the cause is the same... but, what if it's linked? »

Green eyes lift to his gray ones again. He knows when she is communicating with Polaris. He's learned the tells of her body language and how her gaze shifts away. Now, her head raises to look up at him. ]

Are you getting better?

[ He may not know the answer. There might not even be an answer. Still, she feels she has to ask. She needs to know where Alan feels he is not only in recovery but in his own mind.

Then, he says that last set of words.

« Damnit. Why is he so GOOD at words?

I'm... he wants to be with me? For the rest of his life? Us. Because, you're here too. Is he really okay with that...? For life? »

Jesse turns to him. Then, she leans forward. Just enough so her forehead touches his shoulder. Her fingers shift to slide against his even though his hands covers hers entirely. ]

I miss you.

[ « I hope he understands what I mean. » ]

[ Oddly enough, or perhaps not so oddly, Alan's thoughts seem to be mirroring Jesse's. He's thinking back to a time years ago now, a time when he wasn't his best. He wasn't better. This all started because Alice wanted to help the only way she thought she could: by getting them away from the city and onto a retreat of sorts.

What actually happened was much worse than either of them could have imagined. But it wasn't all bad. Because of it, I met Jesse. Because of it, I have a chance of being better. ]

Not yet. I- I'm trying. It probably doesn't look like it, and you're probably getting tired of this, but I promise I'm trying.

[ I don't want her to give up and leave me. I know I sound desperate, and maybe I am, but I mean what I said. I want us to be together. Always.

She leans forward, pressing her forehead to his shoulder, and he carefully unwinds one hand from hers so he can circle his arm protectively around her back. ]

I miss you too.

[ I miss how I was before. How we were before. I have to get that back. ]

[ The expression falls just slightly. That's not the answer she wanted, but, it's an honest answer. She can't ask for more than that in the end.

« Truth is better than lies. Even if the answer isn't what I want. »

She won't leave him. Leaving people behind is no longer an option and hasn't been since she became Director. Alan falls under multiple categories. Just like Dylan. ]

Then, I need to do more. I know you are going to say that I'm doing enough. That it's more than enough. It's not. Not until you feel you're getting better. Making some kind of progress... once you feel you're really home.

[ « It feels like part of him never came home. That part of him that is so determined. One helped him deal with his fears and go back to finish the story and save Saga and Casey. Was... was part od him coming back home? Leaving part of himself behind forever? » ]

...You'd really want to spend the rest of your life with me? Us?

[ He couldn't lie to her and tell her he's better when he still has a long way to go until he can consider himself better. Normal. If he ever was normal, anyway. ]

Don't take this the wrong way, but- you don't have to fix me. I mean... you don't have to take that on, along with everything else you have to do. Things like sleeping, eating, even walking down the street... they'll happen in time, right? Just knowing you're there with me is all I need.

[ His gaze lowers for a moment before it returns to lock eyes with her. ]

I know I'm home; this is home, being here with you. I know that, I do. It's just taking that knowledge and making it sink in.

[ Would it sink in if I...? No, I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if she wants to do that with me again just yet. I want to do it, and maybe it would be a complete disaster, but that wouldn't be the first time I've caused one. ]

Of course I do. I knew that even when the story was chasing us through all those loops. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?

Isn't that what couples do? They help one another. Or, something. Maybe not. Just... forget I said anything.

[ She presses her face into his shoulder more. This is why she says she could never compare or even be in Alice Wake's league. Surely, Alice knew more. She had an idea of what to do to help Alan Wake until it became too much. She still isn't sure if it was only the writer's Block? What else had gone on?

Alan probably wouldn't remember the details. ]

It's been a few months. How long would it take to sink in?

[ « I accepted the Oldest House so fast... instantly. I had looked for it my whole life. This isn't the kind of life that Alan invisioned. Maybe that's why it isn't sinking in. » ]

I... I didn't think you'd want to be with me for that long. [ She leans further into his hold. ] I want a life together with someone who understands. Maybe it won't be forever. Or, you may want to move on from the weird and unusual and try to be normal...

They try to, or at least they should. But then, how am I helping you? What have I helped you with since I came home?

[ Until this exact moment, Alan hasn't stopped to think about what he hasn't been doing for Jesse. And frankly, in his mind, he hasn't done anything for her. He came home to her, but what else?

Maybe he's the one who hasn't been a good partner. ]

I don't know, but it needs to start sinking in soon. I need to start helping you with what you need.

[ Then he just stares at her with a confused expression. ] Why wouldn't I want to be with you? That was the point of all this, of fighting the story, the Dark Presence... we wanted the life we talked about and hoped for. It's my fault that we haven't gotten that yet.

[ Confusion turns into determination, and he adds: ]

I don't want to move on from that. I want a life with you, with all the weird and unusual things that might come our way.

[ Jesse presses her lips together. She knows Alan. Anything she would say he has done for her wouldn't be enough in his mind. There are certainly things she wants, but, if he can't even eat then she doesn't see the point in asking for them. He's not ready.

« Will he ever be? » ]

You're not the same kind of person as I am, Alan. You--I accepted everything about the Buearu the moment I stepped in. All it did was reconfirm what I knew about the world. Your life was different--maybe that's why it's harder for you.

[ « He was already living his life when all lf this happened. »

Her head turns more into his shoulder. ]

Reality and stories aren't the same. We both know that.

[ He wants to be ready; he'll make himself be ready even if he has to brute force it. That's maybe not the healthiest approach, but he feels like he's getting nowhere, and he's tired of it.

He won't keep her waiting. ]

That's not good enough. It's not good enough for me, and I know it can't be good enough for you. It shouldn't be good enough for you. I won't let it be enough for you, I-

[ His tone is rising in pitch, climbing a little at a time as he feels his frustration with himself rising, threatening what little calm he's managed to find. ]

No, it's not good enough, and I'll try harder.

[ His eyebrows narrow even as she turns her head more into his shoulder. ]

We're not in a story now. This is real, but I still have to make what we dreamed about a reality. I'm going to make it real, starting now.

Edited 2024-09-28 02:19 (UTC)

[ His pitch raises and her hands slip from his. Both arms wrap around him to steady and try and act as an anchor. Polaris ebbs and flows gently through him. They're still in her territory. Everything around him is attuned to Polaris if he simply just listens and opens that part of his mind again. ]

Don't push yourself to the point you break. Okay?

[ « I don't want to see something like those messages again. »

"Just let me die already! Alan Wake is dead!"

She squeezes him slightly before standing up in front of him once more. ]

Let's get going.

[ As always, Alan instantly stills in her hold as her arms wrap around him. She calms him and brings him back up when his mind and fears are trying to drown him. Polaris helps with that too; he's just forgotten how to really let her in, even though he wants to. Maybe it's not that he forgot; maybe it's that he's putting so much pressure on himself to be okay that he's forgotten how to relax.

That would make sense. There was no time for relaxing in the Dark Place. ]

I won't; I promised you I'd put us back into the story. I promised you I'd come home. I can't be here for you if I- [ Resolve creeps back into his tone again. ]

I won't. I promise.

[ He moves when she does, following her lead; it's not that he can't make movements on his own, but following her just feels natural to him. Maybe it's because she's good at leading, especially leading someone who's more than a little lost in more than one way. ]

Where to first? Coffee, right?

[ She is just glad in the moment that he isn't reacting to the fact that she has once again helped him. Given he is so upset that he has yet to be able to return the favor. He hasn't pushed her away in anger or told her to leave him alone. Yet.

« He still has that famous temper after all. »

She gently gives him one more hug. ]

I know. You're doing what you can.

[ « I just... needed a moment. It's fine now. I'll be good. He can't push past his limits and jepoardize it because of me. » ]

Yeah. We'll see if anything catches your eye. [ The tone in her voice says she doubts it, but, the resolve is there to try regardless. ] It's just a small shop on the street.

[ Her hand once again anchors on his and she begins walking. Once they're on the street, Jesse falls in line beside him. Fingers curl between his. She wants them to look like a normal couple--act like one in public. She doubts anyone is going to recongize him after thirteen years... and having the beard and hairstyle that he hasn't changed since he arrived home properly.

She pulls the glass door open and steps inside after he has. The door shuts with a soft sound and a small bell. The aging woman behind the counter welcomes Jesse with a smile and by first name. Then, eyes fall on Alan Wake. ]

He's my boyfriend. [ Jesse feels the word is somehow wrong. They're closer than dating. Partner? Doesn't that imply marriage?] Al.

[ It doesn't make him happy knowing that he owes her so much and has yet to begin even repaying her for everything she's done for him. In his mind, the scales are very much uneven, and he hates that. He intends to fix it as soon as he can, by any means necessary.

But becoming fixated on it and obsessing over it doesn't really work well for him, as they've seen before. It's something he needs to keep in the back of his mind, but it doesn't need to become an obsession that drowns out everything else.

She hugs him again, and he leans into it before he carefully slides back from it, not breaking the contact entirely, just... they need to get going on their errands or whatever else they're planning to do. ]

I want to see the places you like going to: shops, parks, anywhere you go when you have time.

[ Part of him thinks that doing such normal things will remind him of his life before all of this, and maybe that will help get him settled back into life and living. It won't be the same as it was, but maybe it can be similar.

He smiles at her when he feels her hand anchor itself around his, and the smile widens as her fingers curl between his. At least outwardly, they can look like a normal couple. The feelings are there; the attraction and the love is there, but it's the insanity of the Dark Place that complicates everything.

But the people passing them by on the street don't know that, right? They don't know that Alan's the writer who went missing thirteen years ago. Maybe an observant person might think there's a similarity, but Alan just wants any recognition to either not happen at all or to go uncommented on.

Maybe that's hoping for too much. Once they're inside the shop, Alan manages a small smile for the woman behind the counter, only faltering a little when he sees how her eyes land on him.

Jesse offers an introduction, and Alan raises his free hand by way of greeting. ]

Hi. I'm- [ Al? I haven't been called Al in thirteen years. I guess I can be Al again. ] I'm with her.

[ And then he smiles a wider smile, because really, he can't think of anywhere else he'd rather be. ]

[ She hasn't been to most those places--save the coffee stop--since he found his way home. Any extra time to spare had been placed into caring for him. Sitting by his bedside until he was stable, coming home to hear about his writing, trying to get him to sleep, eat, bathe.

Her hand squeezes his.

Then, it squeezes again. Apologetically this time.

« I didn't know what else to call him. He doesn't want the fame attached to his name back. So, calling him his first name might lead people... »

The aging woman pauses before chuckling and stating the weird comment seems oddly perfect for Jesse. She asks the Director if she wants her regular order, to which Jesse answers affimatively to. She then tilts her head to look back at Alan and nods to the menu. ]

Does anything look good?

[ On some level, he knows that she's put in a lot of hours caring for him, and he knows it can't have been easy. He didn't make it easy, because how could dealing with the aftermath of thirteen years of hell be easy?

He owes her, even if she insists that he doesn't; she hasn't gotten to have much of a life because of him. He's convinced that she deserves a real life: a life together with someone, a life of coming home to that special someone at the end of the long work day.

What they have now is a far cry from the life he wants to give her. So while he won't be forcing himself to push ahead until he breaks, he knows he has to push himself at least a little: at least enough that he can function like a normal person. Like a normal partner.

He squeezes her hand in return, warmly and hopefully communicating to her that he loves her.

He scans the menu, still uncertain what he should even choose, but in the end, he decides the simplest option is probably the best. ]

Maybe just black coffee. [ Anything else seems too complicated to him somehow. And he dimly remembers her giving him coffee before that he never drank. Maybe this is a chance to rectify that. ]

[ There had been an attempt in earlier loops to offer him coffee and a more humanized experience. Thar was eventually done away with when it became obvious that the story would refuse to let anyone act like humans. Everyone had to be a monster to a degree. Some were never allowed to be anything but monsters. Those were the ones the story truly took.

The owner nods to the order. Jesse pulls out her wallet and pays before the two are shuffled off to a small sitting area next to an electric fireplace. Autumn has started to come around to New York City. A good time to get Alan a wardrobe for the change of seasons.

A season she won't bring up because neither of them need to really think how Deerfest is around the corner.

She takes a seat at the couch. Then, she moves closer to him once Alan sits down. ]

[ There's a reason he picked a simple drink like a cup of black coffee. The threads of a memory are trying to form themselves in his mind, but they're slow to come back. When was this? Was it the first loop or the fiftieth? I don't even remember. I just remember a thermos with coffee in it, and Jesse gave it to me.

Could something as simple as a coffee thermos be the key? It's a crazy thought, right? Part of Alan says yes, that it's a crazy thought, but another part latches onto it as if it's his last hope of remembering. Maybe it's not that dire, but that doesn't stop him from latching onto it anyway.

Once their drinks are paid for and they're shuffled off to a sitting area, Alan slowly sits down on the couch, a little stiffly at first, but then gradually, he relaxes against the cushions. ]

Thanks for this, Jesse. [ He knows she'll understand his meaning. It's not just about the coffee or the coffee shop, although those are obviously part of it. It's about this being one of the first normal things that they've gotten to do together, and he already knows that the reason he's been able to make it this far is because of her. ]

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