synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

OCEANVIEW PATHS

but we can leave our gilded cages.

Two worlds colliding
There ain't no bargaining
No giving in without a fight CODE BY TESSISAMESS

Yeah, I did. I think if i didn't understand what you mean by this point? We might have more issues than just dealing with the weird ones. [ She smiles at him.

If only there was a way she could shine a light in his head and get rid of all the darkness there. They have no idea what long term damage the Dark Place or the Dark Presence has done to him. There is no way to tell what he can remember or what he can never remember. It's a process of learning. The feeling of being an unfit partner simply clings to her because she has no idea what she can do for him other than let him touch her or have her near by.

That can't be all she can do for him. ]

Or, Polaris simply knows what isn't a danger to her or to me. It's... she doesn't really react like we do. People. [ A small shake of her head. ] Though... I guess I wonder how you even found out about me and Polaris. How you knew where we were in order to take care of Hartman. We had no connection at that point.

You've asked if you were real. If we were real. You... said things in your first month back in our reality. Not that they matter now. I guess what we need to figure out how to do next is get you back in tune with that part of yourself. I know when I lost the connection to Polaris that it was horrifying. Even if the Hiss hadn't gotten in... [ Jesse pauses then. Shit. Has she ever told him about that? Maybe he'll over look it. ] I'll talk with Emily.

[ « "She couldn't be so different as to be someone not worth loving." He really does have a way with words.

I wonder if she's experienced that yet. » ]

In any timeline or lifeline. Really. [ Jesse turns slightly, trying to keep her legs over him but also rest her head against his shoulder. She wants to be with him. Lean into him and have him hold her. Maybe then she'll be warm. ] It would be nice, wouldn't it?

[ Except it's not. She imagines that there are far more timelines with Alan and Alice Wake than there are with Alan Wake and Jesse Faden.

Eyes close.

Part of her wonders if he ever forgot what she looked like. If she had just become faceless Faden and her North Star. Not that Jesse would ever ask. ]

I guess they have a long way to go. If they even get to be together in the end. [ Her head tilts further into his shoulder. ] Maybe it'll end different for them. Maybe he won't want to keep trying to come back to her... because that's what happened when he left, wasn't it? He jumped into the Lake like you did.

Edited 2024-06-24 03:16 (UTC)

You're handling your issues just fine. Well, a lot better than I am, anyway, and that's saying something. I think I was never good at handling much of anything. [ His recollections of his life before all this happened are sketchy at best as she well knows, but maybe there's something that could jar his memory. Old newspapers, perhaps. He has this lingering feeling that he wasn't anyone's favorite person thirteen years ago. Oh, he had his fans, and he was married, but he just has a feeling that he was more popular because of the trouble he caused than anything else. ]

That's probably more accurate. I can't pretend to know a lot about Polaris, except for what you've told me. And honestly, I don't remember. Maybe I had a vision or a dream about you and that's what gave me the idea to try and reach out. I don't remember it, and that's what's weird. I don't think I'd forget anything about you.

[ He'd have to search his memory and navigate the holes in it, but something tells him that he never forgot Jesse. Maybe the darkness tried to make him forget, but he likes to think that if he did forget, he'd feel a certain emptiness still hanging over him. He feels a sort of emptiness because so many pieces of his life seem to be hidden from him, but one thing he doesn't feel is a disconnect from Jesse or Polaris.

Maybe a disconnect happened because of how far down into the ocean he was, but that's not the kind of disconnect he means. ]

I don't know if that's possible. I barely remember anything from thirteen years ago, and I definitely don't remember much about anything that happened before all this started. It's like trying to picture someone else's life. I don't know if I was happy, or if things at home were good.

[ Did Alice and I go on dates? Did we take walks around the city because we both had the time? I wish I could remember. Not that I want to talk about Alice around Jesse. I know she says she doesn't mind, but I can't keep bringing her up. ]

... Wait. [ Alan's tone changes as he pulls himself out of his questioning thoughts about his past. ] You lost the connection? The Hiss got in? What? Did you tell me about this and I forgot?

[ His hold on her tightens even as she leans more into his shoulder. Before he answers anything else she says about the other versions of themselves, he makes a decisive movement. It's not harsh or meant to be uncomfortable, even though it takes some shifting around for him to do it. Jesse still feels cold to him, so he decides in that moment that they need to go back to the bed where she can warm up and he can keep holding her. ]

Do you mind if I...? [ He trails off, knowing she'll get the idea once he slides his arms beneath her legs and back. He starts to stand up slowly, waiting to see if she'll tell him to stop. If she does, he won't go through with this, because he wants to do what she wants. ]

Edited 2024-06-25 07:11 (UTC)

[ More things that she can't comment on, inform him of, or even help him with. All she knows of him before he disappeared in Bright Falls is what the media had. Night clubs, arguments with the paparazzi. Lashing out. Things she knows he does under severe stress or fear. Anger sometimes. How he handled it then and now may end up being entirely different.

She leans into his hold as he raises her up. One arm below her knees, the other around her back. Her head rests on his shoulder and eyes remain closed. A nonverbal answer to his question. She doesn't mind. She'd rather move to somewhere warmer than simply sitting in the window.

Jesse remains quiet even as he arranges them back onto the bed. She rolls into his side. One arm drapes around his frame and a leg slips over his. Nothing promiscuous or hinting at certain encounters. A need to be close to him and feel him. The blankets over them plus his body heat should surely warm her up.

« Where do I even start? » ]

Polaris... she's a being that exists as a resonance. Energy, a frequency. She can connect to other living beings and exist with them symbioticly. The Hiss... they're are different. It's an invasive resonance, that sounds like gas leaking. Everything about them is destructive and disrupts everything in you until you are a Hiss. A collective, I guess.

When Dylan and I met Polaris... it wasn't really her. It was another being called Hedron--at least that's what the Bureau called it. Through Hedron, Polaris could spread her resonance. Kind of like a speaker. I eventually found Hedron in the Oldest House... but I couldn't stop the Hiss from getting to her. When Hedron died, all the connection to Polaris was cut. Nothing but the Hiss could get in.

[ Her hand curls slightly in his shirt. She won't deal the experience unless he asks. How the Hiss burrow deeper and deeper into your mind until all that's left is a chant that echoes. One that echoes so loud until you say it yourself. ]

I found the link to Polaris I had inside me. A direct link, not through Hedron. When I did... the Hiss were pushed out. All of the HRAs began working again. We took down the Hiss, and I tried to drive them out of Dylan. That's why he's in coma. People don't normally survive what the Hiss does to them... so, maybe he'll never wake up.

[ Her gaze drifts slightly. ] I never told you. Unless I did, and I don't remember it.

So... now I'm what Hedron used to be. Broadcasting Polaris out in our reality or any one that I go in. Which is probably why the Dark Presence was so hostile to me. Polaris would have been moving into it's dimension and turf.

[ Maybe she doesn't need to. Maybe she doesn't need to help him with his demons that still seem to plague him even though it's been only a few months since he was released from FBC custody. Alan has to remind himself from time to time how long it's been. The calendar near the computer he uses for writing has been looked at fairly often since his return.

But maybe expecting Jesse to help him navigate it all is unfair to her. A lot of it is internal, after all, so he should sort it out on his own as much as he can.

Maybe what he needs to focus on is recalling as much as he can of events he's forgotten and trying to pick up the pieces from there. For now, though, his priority is making sure Jesse gets to warm up and relax once more. Maybe she could even fall asleep, since she couldn't have gotten a good night's sleep after all that.

He makes sure that she's covered by the blankets before he settles in next to her once more. He smiles slightly as her arm drapes over him and her leg slides over his. Even if there's nothing particularly sensual behind the gesture, he still appreciates it. He just appreciates having her with him.

One arm moves to rest against her arm that's draped over him, and the other moves to drape itself on top of the covers to rest over her thigh as he listens to her explain more about Polaris. He knows her as Jesse's guiding star, but he doesn't have that much knowledge or understanding about who she truly is. Obviously she's the antithesis of the Hiss, but he's just trying to really understand her and how she relates to Jesse.

His expression seems to darken slightly as the implications of what the Hiss are and what they did to Hedron sinks in. They invaded like a swarm of hostile bugs and took over Hedron.

Did she mention something about the Hiss trying to get her, or am I only imagining that? The sinking feeling inside him tells him that's not just something from his imagination, but he can't recall the exact conversation either, if it ever happened. Some instinct tells him it did, and he both does and doesn't want to trust that instinct. ]

The Hiss always existed, just like Polaris has always existed. Or that's my guess, anyway. Resonances don't have an age or a lifespan. They just are.

[ Alan's not really speaking from experience or knowledge, but his words sound logical enough, in light of what little he knows. ]

But he's alive, even if he is in a coma. That's what matters, isn't it? He's alive, and he'll wake up one day.

[ That could have been me. What if it was me instead of Dylan? I know she'd reject that if I ever brought it up. But I can't help but think she deserves to have him back. At least, she deserves to have him back first, but I know it doesn't work that way.

Alan knows his thoughts are most likely showing on his face; he's never been good at hiding how he feels, but he doesn't want Jesse to know exactly what's on his mind. He can't help but feel some measure of guilt that Dylan still hasn't woken up. If there was something he could do, he'd do it in a second. ]

I don't know if you told me or not. You probably did, and I don't remember it either. Somehow, it feels familiar, but so many things feel that way. I'm still trying to figure out how much of what I remember is real and what isn't.

You're like Hedron. Huh. [ He's not sure how to feel about that. ] That means you're in danger too, right? I mean, you've always been in some level of danger, but if the Hiss destroyed Hedron...

[ Something inside him clenches up at the implications, and he can't bring himself to finish that sentence. His hand tightens just slightly against her arm as fear and a strong determination to protect her if he can rises. He won't let her be destroyed like Hedron was. He'd rather die himself before letting that happen. Not that he wants to die anytime soon, not now that he's finally back with her.

I died... The stray thought bubbles up from nowhere, and he's quick to push it away again. Sometimes remnants of thoughts come up out of nowhere, and while he knows what those thoughts are, he doesn't want to let them have more of a hold on him than they already do. ]

I won't let that happen, and I'm pretty sure Polaris would never let that happen either.

[ I hope so, anyway. You better not let that happen, Polaris. ]

[ His arms wrap around her, and Jesse turns into him by just a bit more. She can hear his heartbeat in his chest as her own is pressed into his side. Sometimes it's nice having him taller than her. It means that those few moments she does need in recovery or needing to be held? She can squeeze in perfectly. Again, she won't say a perfect match, but a match none the less.

She had mentioned that she knew what it was like to drown--to feel an invading hostile force try to strip everything she was. There was never any details given or anything ever given more explanation. Alan couldn't have handled it at the time during "Return." Hell, she's glad he's taking it as well as he is now. Which isn't to say that he's happy about any of it. He's just not spiraling out. ]

That matches what we know of them... which isn't very much. Especially given Hedron and whatever infected Trench came from a different reality entirely. Polaris and the Hiss may even be from a different place than that. It's... hard to say.

[ Jesse glances up at him. ] I think... Hedron let it happen. Almost like passing the torch, I guess. She taught Darling whatever it was that he needed to know. She connected me to Polaris and brought me to the Oldest House to stop the Hiss. But, yeah. Probably. Especially if other alien entities want to step into Polaris's territory.

[ A hand raises as his hold on her tightens. The sheer curtains at the windows close. Then, the LED lamp turns off as well as the lights that have come back on and she has now noticed. The sun is creeping into the room so there is no need for the additional light. ]

We'll both do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen, Alan.

[ Sometimes it's jut nice to be like this: to be still, unmoving, except for when either one of them needs to shift positions. He just likes holding her and feeling her next to him or in his arms and hearing her breathe and just being able to feel her. They don't even have to do anything, although if she wanted to move or do something more intimate, he wouldn't say no.

As far as he's concerned, they're a perfect match, a perfect fit, and he wouldn't change anything about them. Well, he'd change some things about himself, but either those things are out of his control or Jesse would just pin him with that look of hers and he'd drop the subject.

He knows he wants to be better for her, and that's something he's resolved to do, whether or not she thinks he needs to improve himself.

As for how he's taking things now, he feels like he's not handling things well at all. Focusing on more than one thing at a time is still hard for him, and even though he may not have put it into so many words, he's terrified of something bad happening to Jesse. Losing her is easily his worst nightmare, after everything they've both done to get to this point.

He's not happy about any of this, as she's guessed, but that just fuels his resolve to do what he can to look out for her. Not that he can do much, but if something tried to separate them, he wouldn't just stand by and let it happen. ]

What if all of these things are from the Dark Place? I know that's probably a stretch, but don't they all have something in common? Not Hedron, but the Hiss and the Dark Presence. They want to take over everything, claim this reality as theirs. Even that thing you told me about a long time ago... The... What was it called? The Not-Mother? What if they're all connected?

[ A frown forms on Alan's face again and his brow furrows with unease. ]

And what happens if something wants to step into your territory? Can Polaris protect you from that? From everything that might be harmful? What if, one day, Polaris isn't enough? No offense, Polaris, but- [ I'm worried. ]

Yeah. Yeah, we will. [ His gaze shifts to one side when he notes the curtains close and the LED lamp turning off, but he doesn't feel startled by it just yet. ]

So what now? You're probably still tired. If you want to go back to sleep, you should. I'll be right here. I promise.

Edited 2024-07-05 17:34 (UTC)

I don't think they come from the same place. More like... there are just opposing forces in all realities. Ones who dominate control, ones who harmonize with others. The Dark Place is somehow tied to them all, I think, but not in the way they all come from there. I don't know. Just everything coming from the Dark Place doesn't seem... right.

[ Her head tilts up slightly to look at him. ] Polaris will fight for her territory, and, I'll help with that. She's my friend. We're in it together. She might be overpowered by an other force. [ Her eyes narrow slightly. ] But, maybe that's why she wanted to reach out to the Champion of Light. Whatever it was that taught you how to wield it must be something she finds as an ally.

[ Jesse already knows that is what the case is. She's seen how the Hiss and the Dark Presence interact. She knows how Polaris can interact with the light. Now, she just needs Alan to see that and to understand it. She needs him to really understand it. Embody it. ]

We should both sleep a bit more before heading out for the day.

[ She shifts further into him, as Jesse would never use the term nestle to describe it. Just, comfortably laying against and into him. Her head tilts down. Ear to his chest to be able to hear his breathing and his heartbeat. Eyes close. The morning birds can be heard. They won't be able to sleep long, but some sleep is better than none. ]

Edited 2024-07-06 10:22 (UTC)

In all realities... [ Alan can't stop himself from frowning at the thought of it. ] I know that it makes sense, and it doesn't matter what I think about it, but- [ He shakes his head. He could barely fight the Dark Presence; he can't imagine trying to fight forces that exist in all realities. Can anyone even attempt such a thing? ]

It feels like a losing battle. Not that I'm saying we should give up, but-

[ His frown deepens but he adds: ] What can I do to help?

[ He feels something nudging at his mind; usually Polaris gives nudges like that, but it doesn't feel like Polaris this time. It's something coming from himself, something he barely understands. ]

Maybe I knew what to do with it once, but now I'm not so sure.

[ He knows what she wants and what Polaris wants, but he knows he doesn't feel like the Champion of Light anymore. Maybe that's still inside him somewhere, but he just can't feel it. ]

Yeah. Let's go back to sleep.

[ He doesn't mind thinking of this as her nestling into him; he's more than willing to hold her as she sleeps and to let her rest against him as her support as she rests. Hopefully this helps her drift back off to sleep; that's more important to him than his own rest. But he manages to drift off himself, thanks to the sounds of the birds outside and the feeling of Jesse in his arms, solid and warm and safe.

He doesn't even really know how many minutes or hours have passed before he shifts on the bed, not really wanting to wake up. The bed is warm, and he doesn't want to stop holding onto Jesse, but they do have to get up at some point. In a way, it feels like more than just going out and running errands.

Going out for Alan takes effort, more effort than he imagined, and part of him would rather stay inside for awhile longer. Still, he can't hide from everything forever. He can't hide from living forever. There was a part of him that wanted to get back to normal life and living, and that was part of what he fought for when he was doing his best to escape the Dark Place. Now that he's back, he needs to take that step, otherwise what was the point in it all?

He wanted the life he and Jesse imagined, and getting that life means venturing outside, so that's what he'll do. That's what he has to do.

Still, he doesn't move too much just yet, because he feels that Jesse needs her sleep. So he lies still too, with his eyes closed, focusing on the sounds around him. The birds are still singing, but there's a background noise of cars and trucks passing by; he can still hear Jesse's breathing, and he focuses on that sound as well, as he waits for her to begin to stir. ]

[ Jesse gives him a soft smile. ] First, we get you used to being home again. Then, we can understand how your abilities work. We can figure out how best you can help. It's a process.

[ « We'll make sure not to show him those Threshold Kids episodes. Maybe just tur basic ideas of how all theae abilties can work. »

His gentle touches cause her to drift to sleep once more. The bed is warm, and him being there brings a simple comfort that she truly hadn't understood until she met him. She had made friends and learned to trust. She has her management team. However, Alan has helped her to learn not only how to work with a parautalitarian... but also how to love and be loved.

Really love and trust someone in that way. With all it's ups and downs.

She eventually stirs as he has thought she would. Green eyes slowly open. A hand raises to rub at one. The morning sun is higher now and traffic echoes. Her head tilts back up to see Alan already awake. She hopes he managed to find some sleep.

Part of her still wonders on their alternates and questions left unanswered from their conversation earlier.

« I hope one day they can have this. » ]

Hi, Alan. [ Jesse shifts to sit up on her hands, hovering over him slightly. ] Ready to get going?

[ I don't know how to start, and I know she knows that, but screw it. I can't keep doing this. I can't live like this, and I know she doesn't want to keep going like this either. ]

Yeah, that's where we start. Somehow, we'll figure that out. I'm glad to be home with you, but now I just want everything else to fall into place, starting how to live.

[ Not normally, because I don't think either of us will ever really be normal, but we'll make our own kind of normal. Not-normal. Yeah.

It feels right, being like this: being able to touch her and hold her and ease her to sleep with his touches. Maybe what makes it easy is the fact that he loves her and that he's happy to be with her, all things considered. Even the demons in his mind that try to rattle him and leave him shaken don't take away from the fact that he's glad to be with her.

If he never figures out his abilities, if he never truly gets used to being home, at least he has what he's found with her, as long as she wants to continue giving it.

After some time passes, he feels her begin to stir and his attentions shift back to her. Well, they never really left, but now they're on her in earnest. ]

Hi, Jesse. [ He smiles the smile he reserves only for her, and he nods. ] Yeah, except... [ Words trail off as a mild doubt settles in. Maybe she doesn't want to, or maybe she wants to do what he has in mind on her own. Maybe he shouldn't even suggest it. ]

[ A certain sparkle comes to her eyes at the sight of the smile on his face. The one he only really uses when it's truly just the two of them (minus Polaris) and nothing else is plaguing his mind. It always makes her heart flutter. Namely because she never thought she'd have something like this--them. Not that she ever really sought it out. Dylan had always been the priority. And, if someone couldn't handle that? Then it wasn't worth trying to make a relationship happen.

« He might not remember hearing those conversations in that room in the Dark Place. Maybe that's for the best. I never wanted him to hear them. That was your idea. » ]

Except what? [ Her eyes narrow slightly as if she's trying to discern what bothers him at that moment. ] What's wrong?

[ She makes him feel like he can smile again; it felt to him as though he forgot how, but when he's with her, he remembers. He doesn't think about the darkness that's still lingering and still clinging to him like a cloak he can't shake off. He just thinks about her, about those green eyes that he loves so much... He thinks about everything about her that he loves; and since he loves everything about her, well... he just thinks about everything.

There's a lot he doesn't remember, but at the same time, there's a lot that he does remember. He just has to remember that he remembers it, as strange as that might sound.

A memory is trying to resurface now, and for a moment, Alan appears briefly lost in thought. He's not washing away, he's just trying to recall something that's trying to slip away from him as fast as it appeared. ]

Except... [ His head tilts to one side as he keeps trying to grab hold of the elusive train of thought. ] It was morning like this, and... and we were in a car, going somewhere. You, and someone else. Someone else who was driving the car. But there were other times when it was morning and there was a shower waiting to be used. Wasn't there?

[ He might be combining memories from separate occasions, but the key to both of them is that it was morning in those memories. Or maybe it was afternoon in one memory, but he's trying to pull the pieces together into something that makes sense. ]

I know this doesn't sound like anything more than rambling, but- [ His eyes shift to where the bathroom and the shower in the apartment is, before they shift back to meet her gaze again. Maybe she'll know what he's trying to say without really asking it. Maybe she'll even remember the occasions he was trying to recall. Maybe she won't. He barely remembers them, but the memories still seem to be there somewhat. ]

[ Jesse falls quiet once he begins to speak. Her gaze stays on his face, only lifting once his turns away to the direction of the shower. It's obvious that what he means is he wants to shower before they head out. That isn't what has garnered her attention so much. It's the fact he's trying to remember and grasp at things that transpired in the loops. Not everything in them is perfectly clear to her either; there's just too many to ever really have a full picture of what happened when and where and how many times.

She pulls back to sit beside him at his hip. One arm remains draped over him while the other rests between her own legs. Her heart pounds nervously. Memories coming from the loops, the Dark Place, his attempts to get out? They usually lead to him spiraling away. Sometimes even having a momentary break down. Her posture stiffens as she braces for anything that might be a fall out. ]

Steve. [ A short quick answer, slightly guarded, as she prepares for a potentially horrible situation. ] He was always with me in Bright Falls at the start of every loop.

[ « Even in the ones that I know we didn't make it. I know that happened, even if I can't remember them. » ]

Yeah. There were a few times when we... before we had to stop trying to make "Return" work the way we wanted. Attempts to make the story give us what we wanted. It never worked. Obviously. [ Jesse glances to the side, frowns slightly, then turns her gaze back to him. ] If you're asking if I mind taking a shower with you to start off the day? I don't mind. We can.

Edited 2024-07-11 07:48 (UTC)

[ The events he's trying to remember aren't particularly harrowing or difficult, other than the fact that in one of them, Jesse had been on the receiving end of some trouble, but Alan's recollections of that are hardly crystal clear. Still, frown lines form on his face as if some part of him is bothered by what he's remembering. Maybe it's just the remembrance of the loops and how hard they both fought to get where they are now.

His posture stiffens slightly, but he feels her touching him, sitting beside him. He's home; he's not in a loop. She's here, and she's safe. They're both safe. He might be tense, but he's still not spiraling or starting to drown. ]

Yeah. Steve. I remember. He could remember too, somehow, even though he shouldn't have been able to. [ He tilts his head to one side again. ] What happened to him? He's all right, isn't he?

[ I remember she was trying to get me to do something on that car ride. I don't think I did it, but what was it?

His head starts to pound in protest of his efforts to try and remember the memories lost to the loops. Maybe it's best if he leaves them alone. ]

"Return". [ He huffs out a laugh. ] For awhile there, I thought I almost hated that word. But it's just a word. What's the point in hating it?

[ He tries to will away the tension forming in his shoulders, but it's not really working. Instead, he just leans in a little, nudging her slightly as he forms his response. ]

I'd like to, but that's only if you want to. Maybe we should just forget about the idea and get ready to go.

[ Showering could take too long, and it's not going to stay morning forever. ]

[ She hardly got out of the final loop of "Return" unscathed. It seems like no matter what the FBC was going to leave damaged. The Lake House was lost with the staff in it, Estevez's team took causalities, Steve and Jesse themselves were wounded. One can't have a story on that magnitude without it leaving scars somehow.

Her scars thankfully could be hidden well enough. One is on the side of her head, but always covered by her hair. Steve had a broken hand. Estevez had the leg injury. The rest of Jesse's... those are ones the eye can't see. Ones that she hopes she's been able to cover well enough from Alan. He has to focus on adjusting and being in their reality more than helping make her scars better.

Especially when it wasn't him that broke her heart.

At least now she can think the word without feeling she'll buckle and everything around her will break down. ]

He still works at the Buearu. Who else is going to be my right hand Ranger? [ « Especially when he turns down promotions or taking over for Marshall. » ] We weren't sure what would trigger what memories when you came back. So, he's just been keeping a distance.

[ Steve could see how the situation had started to affect her, and Jesse knew it. Everyone could tell despite her walls whenever Alan had an episode in the Oldest House. They made the decision to lessen potential triggers for the previous AWE. Less exposure to the people that could set him in a spiral again.

« It should be fine now... right? Maybe we can take a day trip to the airfield he's always at. It could be fun. » ]

You can hate something by association. [ Her voice is a tad softer than she intended it to be.

A glance is sent to his nudge. Then, she nudges back with her knee. ] Come on.

[ Her legs swing over the side of the bed. She's already up and moving towards the bathroom, hand running through her hair to loosen it from any tangles during her sleep. A moment later the sound of running water can be heard. ]

[ Maybe the specific memories of "Return" have become foggy in Alan's mind, but he knows that bad things happened in the loops. There's a reason why he feels an instinctive, automatic hatred for the word "return". It signifies nothing but negative things to him, even if there were some positives that happened during it. Maybe the negative ones left bigger scars, and that's why he hates it so much.

Instinct makes his hands clench into fists and tension forms in his shoulders as his mind zeroes in on everything he hates about the loops and the hell it put them through. It's his fault, isn't it? The Dark Place was pulling the strings, but he was still the puppet dancing along to the tune. He's still responsible for the things that happened. Or at least, he believes he's to blame.

An image flares to life in his mind; they're in a diner... the Oh Deer Diner. There's a hallway with a flickering light overhead and Jesse's somewhere... in the restrooms, maybe. The door's locked or won't open, and he's pounding on the door. Why?

His eyes slide closed for a moment, and then he shakes his head as if trying to clear away the images that randomly appeared. It's a bad memory, he's sure of it; he can't remember why, exactly, but he knows it's nothing good. He knows he doesn't want to focus on it and spiral out again. It takes some effort but he manages to push the images away, and his eyes open once more, zeroing back in on Jesse's. ]

Well, that's good. I'm glad he's still with you. Not that I thought he'd stop; someone like him isn't going to just leave just like that. [ Alan's voice is level enough until Jesse references an uncertainty about what might set him off when he was freshly home from the Dark Place. ]

Yeah.. that was probably for the best, but- if he wanted to come around now, that's... It's probably fine.

[ "Probably". Alan remembers more about those days following his return than he wants to talk about. Honestly, he wants to forget them, but only time will help with that. Sometimes, he feels himself starting to go to pieces, and it takes all the willpower he has to stop that from actually happening. He knows how it feels when something's getting under his skin, and sometimes he can stop it, sometimes he can't. It's an uncomfortable feeling, like having cold water poured on him, and there's a terrifying pressure in his head.

Knowing the signs of it helps somewhat, but it doesn't do much to ease his nerves. Right now, he forces himself to breathe through his nose, because now isn't the time for him to spiral out. He's not about to, but he's feeling that uncomfortable tingle on his back, and he doesn't want to let it get worse. ]

Yeah... yeah, you can. [ That's a good way of describing the hate he feels for anything relating to "Return", even the word itself. Her nudge brings him back down to earth and pulls him out of his spiraling thoughts, and he stands up to slowly follow her to the bathroom.

He almost pauses in the doorway, but something tells him that's not what she wants. It's not what he wants either, so he keeps moving forward until he's standing in the room with her. The water's already on, and he stops to focus on the sound of it. He'd be lying if he said that he'd forgotten about the feel of water, and how it can be too hot or cold if put too far in either direction. Maybe water in the Dark Place was always cold; or maybe showers didn't exist at all. If they did, they were probably just as likely to try and drown anyone who used them. Or maybe they just wanted to drown Alan Wake.

Stop that.

Either way, he had to remind himself how showers worked, that the water could be too hot if he wasn't careful. Maybe it's good that she got the shower started instead of him. Once he's standing beside her, he quickly removes his shirt and puts it on the countertop, not even remotely bothered by how easy it is to bare himself around her. ]

Did- did you want help with..? [ He's not sure why his voice suddenly sounds shaky, but he blames it on the memories that threatened to come back to life before he managed to push them away again. He hates how his voice sounds, but it always takes a minute or two for it to level out again when bad memories rise up once more. He asked before taking action, but his hand reaches for her instinctively, just stopping short of touching her, in case she doesn't want his help undressing for the shower. ]

Edited 2024-07-13 22:31 (UTC)

[ The edges of her expression soften. It's easy to tell for her that Alan is trying not to spiral into some sort of dark memories. Memories that should probably be left forgotten in the failed rewrites of "Return." Details are missing, but Jesse knows she had died in attempts. Steve died. Saga and Casey may have died. The story had been darker than dark at one point as Scratch controlled it more and more.

Which means it's up to her to keep Alan afloat.

« I guess some things don't change. » ]

We'll try to bring him by when "probably" sounds more confident.

[ Jesse watches him as he joins her in the bathroom. The small hesitation doesn't go unnoticed. The way he glances at the running water doesn't either. Her head tilts only a fraction to the side, enough to make her point known that she's aware he's struggling. Probably because of how rough the night was before with the storm and power outage. A glance is sent down as he takes off his shirt.

No hesitation.

Not that there should be any. They spent... who knows how many loops being intimate or trying to be together. Jesse hasn't pushed the fact at all since he's returned home. Kisses, hugging, being close to one another. Those are the only acts she's delved into. Intuition tells her that he isn't ready to be intimate yet. He might never be ready for that step again. All she can do is hope that her presence actually does what she hopes.

Jesse turns to him easily, raising her arms for him to slide her sleeping shirt off. ]

Do you want to step in first, or for me to lead?

[ Alan's expression reflects something of an impatient annoyance at himself. He doesn't want to be like this. He didn't claw his way back from the Dark Place for a life that feels like not really living. But shaking off memories, especially bad memories, is harder than it seems. It hardly sits well with him that Jesse died during the loops; he hates that anyone died at all because of him. And yes, he takes on the responsibility for the people who died, even if some of them came back.

Some kinds of scars don't heal, and he shudders to think what lingering effects Jesse, Steve, Saga, and Casey all have now because of him. ]

If we wait for that to happen, maybe it'll never happen. Maybe he should just stop by now and- [ And get it over with? That's not what I mean, but it's also not NOT what I mean.

He freezes in place when he feels her gaze land on him. It's not that he feels he has to hide his reactions from her, but he's tired of her having to see them. How many times has she seen him spiral out? How many times has she witnessed him panic over nothing? Over things in his own head? She shouldn't have to keep watching as he falls apart.

That's partly why he removed his shirt and put it aside with such ease. It's one of the few things he feels he can do without hesitation.

He knows he loves her and he wants to always be with her. They could have lived through an eternity in the loops and he'd still love her even if the loops kept replaying. But he's glad they didn't; he never wanted her to be trapped in the loops, but she ended up in them because of him. Because they wanted something that the story wouldn't allow.

Part of him wants what they had before: that intimacy driven by hunger and want and need, but he hesitates there, because he doesn't know if he can remain stable enough to go all the way with her. He doesn't want to start to get there, and then lose control.

When will I be ready? I want to be ready now...

She raises her arms for him, and he instantly moves to remove her shirt, placing it beside his on the countertop. He doesn't respond immediately, choosing to take a second to brush his fingertips lightly against hers, liking the feel of the contact between them. Liking how she feels. ]

Well... [ His lips press together briefly. ] I have to take that step sometime, don't I?

[ She notes the expression on his face, but as typical for Jesse, she says nothing of it. Just notes to herself, Polaris, and things she will need to tell in a report. Alan's mental and emotional state has to be documented. They need to know how people will react after long stays in a threshold and another dimension.

She just wishes it wasn't Alan and that it didn't feel like she was studying him behind his back.

« It's not really that. He knows I have to do these things. He's aware. Still. It doesn't mean I like it. »

She frowns slightly. ] Okay. Next time you need to go to the Oldest House? I'll have Steve meet up with us. We'll see how it goes.

[ She misses being intimate with him like they managed to be during those loops. She misses the way he makes her feel--including Polaris or not. Still, she can wait. What they have is more than she honestly thought they'd ever manage with how "Return" ended.

She slides off her bottoms and then shifts to the side so he can move past her. Fingers brush along his for a brief moment before gesturing to the shower. ]

I'll be right behind you. Go ahead.

[ He knows that she watches him, observes his reactions to things. It's because they don't know very much about what happens to someone after they've returned from... Well, he has a specific word for it, but it probably wouldn't mean anything to anyone who hasn't gone through it.

Sure, he's not a fan of her watching him like she does, knowing it's all going to end up in a report, but he's not about to tell her she needs to stop. He figure it could be worse, after all; being written about in a report or other document isn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe it's poetic in a way; he's always the one doing the writing, but now someone else is going to be writing about him.

At least I think I can trust whoever it is more than I could trust Scratch. Not that that means anything now, since the line between me and Scratch isn't really a line at all, right? ]

It's worth a try, isn't it? If I can't handle it, well- at least we'll know.

[ He hesitates for just a fraction of a second, but she's already shifted to one side and the way is clear for him to step past her into the shower. It shouldn't be as difficult as it was walking back into the Dark Place, and yet he finds himself having to push down his hesitation.

He tells himself that it's just a shower, that he can't hesitate forever, so he forces himself to take that first step and move inside the shower, standing beneath the running water while still leaving room for her to join him.

He doesn't want to come apart at the seams because of a shower, so he does his best to force himself to stand still and wait for her to step inside as well. ]

[ Jesse stands still, waiting for him to move and enter the shower. Her eyes dart to the side as she gets the feeling he doesn't want to be watched. Observed. She hates that she has to do it. Yet, here they are, and here they are needing to keep an eye on how he acts. How he reacts.

« What if he cant' stand it anymore? What then? »

She steps in behind him and closes the curtain slowly. Then, hands gently rest on his back. Fingertips first then palms to his skin. A gesture that is there to let him know she is there but at a pace that isn't alarming. ]

Hey, I'm right here. Is that okay?

[ A tilt of her head. If he's alright with the water rolling over him? She can move onto the next step. ]

[ It's still all too easy for him to feel like eyes are constantly on him, boring into his back, staring at him when his attention is elsewhere. In his mind, it's not always Jesse doing the watching. There's an owl on the wall that's always there. Always looking. Always staring. The thought of it makes his skin crawl. But sometimes his mind takes him back there in his sleep. He sees those same walls, the same floorboards, and always that same old owl always watching him.

Did I ever tell her about that? How there was always that feeling that I was being watched? I don't remember.

He's holding his breath without realizing that's what he's doing; he's waiting to see what the feel of water on his back is going to do. How will he react? It seems that even he can't know until it happens.

The curtain closes, and he hears the sound that it makes, the way the fabric skids against the tub as it's drawn to a close. He notices sounds a lot more than he used to; even the smallest, most inconsequential sound somehow manages to catch his ear. Is it because he's too used to the silence of an empty room? Things do sound louder in the silence.

Jesse's fingertips lightly touch his back, and he realizes that she was able to touch him without causing him to jump. Maybe it's the lightness of the touch, or maybe he'll finally be able to stop jumping at every touch he's not expecting. Her palms eventually rest against him entirely, and his shoulders lower in a pleased sort of response. ]

Yeah. Yeah, it's- It's as good as it's going to be. And for me, that's really good.

[ He's not freaking out; he's not hyperfocusing on each drop of water. He's not going to pieces about too much water and drowning and- Those thoughts get stopped in their tracks. He doesn't want to let them get into his mind any more than they already are. ]

Yeah, this is okay. [ He looks over at her with a smile to further indicate that he's surprisingly doing all right with this. ]

Edited 2024-07-21 09:13 (UTC)

[ Shoulders lower and a breath she had been holding slowly eases away. Her expression softens. The small gesture means more than Alan might think it does. He doesn't jump from the water or her touch. Her fingers curl slightly for the briefest of moments.

« Maybe, just maybe, things will be as normal as it can be for us. I SAY it, but, even I can't help but wonder if they ever will be like we hoped it would. »

Polaris shifts.

Jesse offers him that small smile that she gives. The one that shines far more in her eyes. ]

Okay. Good. [ A nod for him to look forward. ] Let's get through this as fast as well can.

[ « Just in case. »

She moves for the wash cloth and soap. A slow gesture pressed to his back. Once he seems to have accepted it? She gets to cleaning his back and shoulders. Down the back of his arms. The back of his neck, holding up the longer hair he has.

Then, she reaches over and hands him the relathered washcloth. If she washed his front, it would be far too intimate. She'd be tempted to touch him in ways she's not sure he is ready for. Best to let him handle that while she gets to work washing herself. ]

[ A sense of normalcy is all that Alan wants, but until now, it seemed as though he was never going to be stable enough to give that kind of normalcy to Jesse. But this could just be one of his good days, or good hours, and it could all turn bad again just like that. He hopes it doesn't; he doesn't want it to. He wants things to stay like this, for this to become normal, but something tells him he still has a ways to go, even if this is a start. ]

Okay. [ He doesn't want her to feel like she has to rush through it for his sake, but who knows what might end up happening if they linger in the shower too long? His mind might start running away with itself again, and he doesn't want to let that happen.

A sigh escapes him unbidden once she starts to wash his back. The sensation feels good; it's calming, almost soothing. It's relaxing him, and as she works on his neck and arms, he realizes he wants to return the favor.

Eventually, when she stops and hands him the washcloth, intending for him to see to the rest of himself, he does something else instead. He turns, and with some maneuvering within the shower, he positions himself behind her so that he can wash her back as well, making small circular motions with the cloth. ]

[ The turn comes as a surprise to her. It's rare that Alan Wake (or anyone) can catch her off guard. Still, rarely, it happens.

Her eyes widen and she quickly looks over her shoulder at him. There's no anger or distaste for the motion in her eyes. Simply confusion and surprise. It takes a moment before her shoulders lower and she relaxes for him. The notion is a surprise but not unwelcomed. Not to mention that it's something he wants to do... and if it helps him feel anything of normalcy? Jesse wants to encourage it.

She had dodged all his attempts and suggestions at giving her a massage the night before.

« I shouldn't... but I wonder if this was normal for him and Alice. Something he's used to doing. » ]

OCEANVIEW PATHS

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject