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ᴊᴇssᴇ ғᴀᴅᴇɴ | ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᶦʳᵉᶜᵗᵒʳ. ([personal profile] outlierdirector) wrote in [community profile] synthneon2023-11-01 01:57 am

oceanview || ❝ i must guide my love through the night. ❞

OCEANVIEW II

into the dark, dark, dark.
I’m fighting to save my love somеhow
I cannot feel her by my side
Even in this placе inside my mind
CODE BY TESSISAMESS
crazyisinevitable: (092)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-09 06:53 am (UTC)(link)
[ With the arrival of nightfall, Alan feels fear set in. Terror, even. But he can't let that fear control him. He has to control it, has to use it as a tool to spur him on to fight back. The Taken only want to kill, and if he's dead, he can't fix the story. He can't fix what needs to be fixed to bring this all to an end. Of course, part of him doesn't truly believe he'll ever see that end. There'll just be more loops on top of loops and him in the middle of it all trying to write the right thing to end the loops for good.

But still, he grasps his flashlight firmly in one hand, and readies the gun in the other. His hands shake, but he holds onto his weapon even harder to try and steady himself. He can't let anyone see that he's afraid.

He starts off inside, but soon enough, he finds himself moving outside to where the Taken are coming. They don't come in waves, but more in groups of two or three, sometimes four. But they hit hard, and they're relentless in their assault. At one point, his weapon jams just as two Taken are bearing down on him. He aims his flashlight at them, burning them with the light, but a flashlight won't put them down for good. One of them swipes at Alan with what was an axe in another life; only the handle remains, but it's not any less effective as a weapon. The axe handle catches him in the side below the ribs and the force of the blow sends him reeling. He barely manages to avoid falling, as that would surely end up with him being overrun, but it's a near miss.

Luckily for him, or perhaps not so luckily, when he stumbles, he narrowly misses tripping over an agent who didn't survive. At first, Alan's eyes widen with horror, and then his expression sobers once more. I'm sorry. This is my fault.

But he doesn't have time to express further remorse to the fallen agent, as the Taken are still coming closer. He grabs the gun the agent once used and launches back into the fight.

As the minutes go by and the fighting continues, Alan finds himself slipping into a state of heightened focus. It's what usually happens when he's locked in a fight against Taken, but it also seems to be keeping his own exhaustion at bay. He can't remember when it was that he last slept, and that lack of sleep is beginning to show in his movements. But to lower his guard could mean death, and that's the last thing he wants right now.

Finally, the sun begins to rise, and with the arrival of the sun, the Taken slowly disappear. They did it. They survived. There will be other fights, and the Taken will return, but they survived. Alan slowly moves to the closest wall so he can lean against it, and as he does, he passes the same fallen agent whose gun he took to use in the fight. A feeling of regret pulls at him, and he hates how the process of writing the story has made him rationalize horrible things that happen. Rationalize, but not like. He could never be truly all right with senseless deaths even if the story demanded horror and horrific events.

From his position leaning against the wall, he watches the various agents moving around. Estevez made it through the night. He even caught a glimpse of Steve from a distance. He thought he saw a flash of red hair also from a distance but wasn't able to get a better look.

Estevez herself passes by Alan at one point and stops, giving him a nod of acknowledgment. ]


You handled yourself well out there, Wake. I'm going to be honest, I wasn't sure what to expect from you, but you exceeded my expectations. [ The agent offers a tired smile, but it's a genuine one. She has to move on fairly quickly, as she has some things she has to oversee, not leaving Alan much time to respond, but he has just enough time to offer a small smile in return.

Eventually, Alan realizes that his presence isn't exactly required now that the fight is over and the process of regrouping and assessing the state of affairs has begun. The agents don't require his assistance anymore now that the Taken have gone, and he's back to just being a person of interest in their investigations. The feeling of exhaustion returns as his heightened adrenaline fades, and he decides to head back to the sheriff's office to think.

Once there, he sits down on the couch, planning to just sit there and think about what to do next until someone came to collect him again. But instead, he ends up falling asleep, lured into sleep by his exhaustion and the relative comfort of the couch. How long has it been since he was anywhere remotely comfortable? Either way, sleep claims him and Alan's dead to the world.

He doesn't even register Jesse entering the room or leaving it again because he's sleeping so deeply. It seems that he needed the rest so much that nothing could disturb him. And the nightmares he feared he would see if he fell asleep haven't come.

The only thing that disturbs him comes a little later in the form of an insistant, nearly incessant prodding in his mind. He frowns in his sleep, shifting on the couch, the expression on his face revealing his sudden discomfort.

What the hell is this? Anderson? What do you want?

Alan's tone is none too pleased, even if it's only in his head. He finally got a chance to sleep, and even that couldn't be undisturbed. Figures. This is the exact opposite of peachy. ]
crazyisinevitable: (059)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-09 07:48 am (UTC)(link)
[ That's one of the first things that Alan notices: the dirt that's covering her and the way her clothes seem to be dripping water. Whatever she's been doing, it hasn't been fun. He imagines he can't look any better, what with the bloodstained flannel and dirt and sweat and who knows what else clinging to him.

I mean exactly what it sounds like! We just dealt with a wave of Taken, and that kept us busy throughout the night. I know what I asked you to do, and- the Clicker's still important, but...

Alan sighs audibly, even through the connection, but he has to admit even to himself that snapping at Saga isn't the right thing to do.

Look, could you just hold onto it for a few more hours? I don't mind meeting with you. I can probably get away while the agents are still cleaning up and documenting everything.

He hopes he can, anyway. Agents like Estevez are far too vigilant, and that's not even getting started with Steve and Jesse.

I just need an hour. Or two hours. Get a coffee or something, and then I'll meet you there.

If all goes well, anyway. ]
crazyisinevitable: (0105)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-09 08:58 am (UTC)(link)
[ Alan's response is already formed and on the tip of his tongue when something strange seems to happen. Well, something stranger, anyway. The definition of "something strange" seems to have changed a few times by now, and just keeps on changing.

One second, Saga is there snapping at him, and with good reason. Even Alan can admit that. But the next second, she's gone, and Alan's connection to Saga's Mind Place is gone as well. He stirs on the couch, still stubbornly clinging to sleep, even though his mind is alert and trying to claw its way back to the waking world. Something is going on, something not good, and he needs to wake up.

Alan's eyes abruptly snap open and he jolts awake with a gasp. ]
What the hell-?

[ The noises outside the sheriff's office send Alan into full alert. What's happening? Shit, this sounds bad. He swings his legs over the side of the couch and stands up, crossing to the door as quickly as he can. He pulls it open and sticks his head outside. ]

What's goin- [ The question dies before he can finish it, as his eyes have just landed on the sight of someone on the floor. No, not just someone. Jesse. ]

What the hell is going on here?

[ Finally, Alan manages to voice the entire question even as he's crossing over to where Jesse's still bent over on the floor. ]
crazyisinevitable: (0127)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-09 06:08 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Alan moves back when Estevez tells him to, but not by much. Something's wrong, and he doesn't know what the hell it is. One minute, things seemed as normal as they could in a place and a situation like the one they're all in. The next minute, all hell broke loose.

He's dimly aware of Steve and Saga shouting back at each other, arguing, but all he's focused on is Jesse. He doesn't know what to do; is Polaris overwhelming her for some reason? Is it the Dark Presence? Scratch? What the hell?

Maybe it looks odd to anyone watching, but Alan stands up, turns around, and goes back into the office long enough to grab the pillows from the couch and brings them back over to where Jesse is on the floor. If she has a seizure or collapses more than she already is, he doesn't want her getting hurt.

He sees Jesse's hand move, but there's nothing there. She's grabbing at nothing. It's pure speculation, pure assumption, but the look on her face that isn't just a look of sheer pain is distant. Far away. She's seeing something else. Maybe she's gone somewhere else. Gone where? I don't think I can call her back.

He holds out a hand slowly, not going all the way to reach out and touch Jesse. What if I make it worse?

He freezes because something has just formed in Jesse's hand. A gun. Not just any gun, either. It's the gun Jesse used against the Taken, and now that Alan's seeing it, he's certain it's no ordinary weapon. It's dangerous. Powerful. It has to be, if Jesse can use it. Is that why Steve pulled Saga out of the room? Can I-

Alan's thoughts come to a halt when he hears Jesse gasp. He feels his hand shaking and he clenches it into a fist to stop it. ]


...Jesse? [ His own voice sounds scared, and his nerves aren't eased in the least when he sees her falling slowly to the side. Of course he doesn't react in time to catch her, but he just barely manages to shove the pillows beneath her, hoping they cushion her fall even a little.

This is bad. This is really bad. Shit- She's bleeding.

Alan's hand is still outstretched but stopped as though he's afraid to touch her and set off another attack. Maybe if I don't actually touch her, just... just try to stop the bleeding.

He pulls off the flannel shirt and looks it over trying to find an area that's cleaner than the rest. It takes a minute, but he finds a spot that looks serviceable, and he folds it up carefully and presses it first to her ear, counts out a minute in his head, and then shifts it to press against her nose. She's lying on the other ear, so he can't reach that one, and he's afraid to move her to do it.

I should be doing more. This doesn't feel like enough. But what more can I do?

He's no doctor or paramedic, but he can't just leave her lying there bleeding. ]
Edited 2023-11-09 18:16 (UTC)
crazyisinevitable: (061)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-10 05:33 am (UTC)(link)
[ Alan's mind is spinning with fearful thoughts and the horrible feeling that once again, everything is his fault. Again? It's always been his fault. The story is terrible, and it's dragged in so many people along the way- no, he dragged them all in. Used them. Even killed some of them. Too many of them, if he's being honest.

Whatever's going on with Jesse, it feels to Alan as though it's his fault. Somehow, whatever happened is because of him. Because of something he wrote. Or did Scratch write it and he edited it? Does it even matter, if people still get hurt even with his edits?

But before he can spiral away too far, even as he tries to do what he can to feel as though he's doing more than causing harm, Estevez addresses him, and he focuses back on her. ]


Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell you- [ He freezes and cuts himself off midsentence when he feels Jesse's hand on his arm. Fear still has Alan in its grasp, but he feels just the smallest amount of relief when he sees her move and feels her touch. He was afraid that he was going to lose her again. Maybe permanently this time. He can't unwrite death. That's the one reality he can't change.

For just a second, Alan lowers his head forward and closes his eyes as he tries to push down that fear that's still holding onto him. She's alive. She's not dead. Not dying. You didn't kill her. You DIDN'T kill her.

A second later, he opens his eyes again and his gaze locks in on Jesse's in return. She's alive. She's ALIVE. The words keep repeating in his mind like a mantra to keep the fear from getting worse. Except it's not really working, as Alan still feels terrified.

He doesn't look away, not even for a second, even as he follows the orders Samuels gives him and Estevez. He just watches as Samuels does his examination, and listens as he relays his conclusions about Jesse's condition. It doesn't sound good, but it's not completely hopeless either. And all Alan knows is that he intends to take care of her as best as he can.

Then Estevez is making her announcement about what she intends to do, which is to take charge while Jesse is down for the moment. She asks Alan a question, and he nods immediately. ]


I'll do it. I'll watch over her. [ It's the least I can do, after everything. ] I'll make sure she rests.

[ I'll do whatever I have to, until she can get back on her feet. He looks back at Estevez with the most determined look he can manage. And considering the strange mixed up combination of guilt and fear and the need to make up for all the harm he's caused, Alan's expression is very determined indeed. He can't explain it, but he feels as though he has something to prove: to Estevez, to the other FBC agents, to himself... He can't prove anything if he lets his fear pull him down.

Jesse needs him to be himself, to be awake, and it's that thought, more than anything else, that pulls him out of his spiraling thoughts. ]


So, the motel, right?

[ It better be safe. At least, as safe as it's possible to be. How far away is it? How will I reach them if I need to? How- Stop. Stop overthinking. They have this under control. I think.

Alan's gaze shifts back to look at Jesse where she's at on the floor. He might not be confident in very much, but he knows one thing one thing: he has to keep it together or he won't be any use to Jesse at all. I will keep it together. I have to. ]
crazyisinevitable: (0122)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-10 08:40 am (UTC)(link)
[ It might be just a touch, a brushing of her hand against her skin, but to Alan, it feels like so much more. Jesse grounds him, pulls him from the waves when the tide comes in to take him away. Even now when she has more right than anyone to be drowning, she's still managing to bring him back. Is- Is this what inspiration feels like? Encouragement? She brings me back, and I try to bring her back? But she does it better than I do every time.

Still, even as that small thought of doubt enters his mind, he looks at her, eyes fixed on hers, because even if he's drifting, he knows where he wants to be: right there with her. For her. Encouraging her like she's done for him. How many times now? I don't know, but it's my turn now. It's my turn to walk into the fire or the shadows or whatever the hell it is to pull her out.

In his mind, he's back in the Well-Lit Room again, preparing to dive into the lake for the first time.

Except this time, it's not the lake he's diving into. It's into a hypothetical fight with anything that might put an end to what he's found with Jesse. There are forces out there much bigger than him, and whatever was going on with her (what did Samuels call it? Psychic trauma?), he knows now that he'd walk right into a fight with them with whatever ammunition he has if it meant keeping her with him. ]


I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the FBC has strings to pull even here. [ He smirks, but it's an impressed one. Naturally, it makes sense that the agency would have connections, and maybe it shouldn't impress him at all, but it just does.

But then the pieces move again and Jesse's carefully loaded onto a stretcher and into a van, and Alan follows. Samuels and another field agent go with them to monitor Jesse on the way, giving Alan the opportunity to just sit back and watch. And watch he does. He can't reach for Jesse's hand, as she's temporarily out of his reach because of the available space in the van, but his fingers curl as if he's holding her hand anyway.

The motion of the van as it travels along the road is steady and even though Alan does his best to remain awake, keeping his gaze on what he can see of Jesse, he finds himself lightly dozing on the way to the motel. But once the van comes to a stop and Samuels sets to work seeing Jesse transported from the vehicle and into the motel, Alan snaps back to attention. He tries to stay out of the way while not moving too far in case his help is needed with anything, but Samuels has it under control.

They exchange a few more words before Samuels heads off in the van: instructions about what to watch for in case Jesse has any lingering issues following the traumatic event she's just gone through and things Alan can do if an emergency situation arises. Before he goes on his way, Samuels leaves his cell number and a burner cell phone so he can reach him if he needs to call for help.

He goes to check on Jesse one more time before departing, and satisfied that the Director is in as comfortable a position as possible for her recovery, he gives Alan a brief reminder of what to do and then heads off back to the van.

With the room quiet now and Jesse resting on the bed (hopefully asleep, if the way her chest rises and falls and the sound of her quiet breathing is any indication), Alan finds himself unsure what he should do now. After a moment, he decides to head to the bathroom and make use of the shower there. Maybe if he can rid himself of the dirt and blood and clean himself up a little bit, he'll feel better. He won't let himself take long, because he wants to be there to watch over Jesse like he said he would, but the idea of finally getting a real shower is too tempting for him to resist.

He sheds the clothes that have clearly seen better days, grateful that the field agents provided him with something else to wear that isn't bloodstained and covered in dirt. And then he steps into the shower and lets out a long sigh of relief as the warm water washes over him. But with the warmth of the water comes awareness of just how stiff and sore he is. Joints ache from constantly being on the move. His entire left side seems to burn with a sharp pain from where he was struck by the Taken, the skin already darkening to form a large-sized bruise that spreads well over his rib cage.

But he does his best to ignore it all, or at least compartmentalize it. A bruise, large or small, is nothing compared to what he imagines Jesse must have felt and is feeling. Caring for her is his focus, even as he takes this time to shower and clean himself off.

He's nearly finished showering when he registers a brush against his mind. It's not poking or prodding or incessant, not in the way that Saga's attempt to reach him was. It's gentle but enough that he notices it instantly.

Alan.

It's Jesse's voice, but with key differences. There's a resonance to it, and not just any one either: it's one he knows well by now. Or at least, he should. Drawn by the voice, he steps out of the bathroom, towel in hand to further dry his hair and wearing a pair of sweatpants that he was provided with. The matching shirt is still on the bathroom counter, Alan having forgotten to put it on when he felt that gentle brush that drew his attention.

He looks around the room once, and his gaze is instantly drawn to the redhead sitting up on the bed. A whole mess of feelings rise up inside Alan all at once: love and concern are the strongest, of course, but there is also an undercurrent of fear because of what happened and of how it could have gone so completely wrong if even one thing had been different.

The bad end. Something I refused to let happen. The horror story asserting itself?

And mingled with that is a chastisement, a disapproving lecture directed at himself for almost letting such a thing happen. Of course, none of that matters, not when the only thing- the only person who matters in this moment is sitting up on the bed. Alan crosses from the doorway to her side as quickly as he can, but he pauses before he can get too close.

Any residual energy might trigger it again. That's what Samuels said. What if I accidentally set something off? I don't know how I would, but I could do it by accident.

Alan wants to step in closer so he can take Jesse's hands in his, but he stands back from the bed, his worry plainer on his face than he would like. ]


Hey... sleepyhead. [ He knows his voice sounds worried too, but he can't help that. In hopes of reassuring himself and making her smile in return, he offers her the brightest smile he can manage. It's easy, even with his worry for her, because she makes him want to smile at her all the time, even in the middle of this story that has far too many dark turns. ]

How are you feeling?
crazyisinevitable: (063)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-10 10:09 am (UTC)(link)
[ Alan's not afraid of her, but he's afraid of hurting her. Afraid of causing more damage. Why is it that damage always seems to be right behind him? Sometimes it's even in front of him, paving the way for... for the horror story from hell. Yeah, that sounds about right.

The slight boost to his confidence that he received when Estevez, of all people, extended a small olive branch in the form of surprise at how well he'd done during the long fight with the Taken has faded somewhat in the aftermath of Jesse's collapse. Instead of confidence, there's uncertainty and doubt; not doubt in Jesse or what she can do, but doubt in himself. But she doesn't need to know that any more than she needs to see that in him.

So he just chooses to offer smiles and try to be as reassuring as he can. And in all honesty, seeing her sitting up and hearing her talk to him is really all the reassurance he needs.

The relief he feels at seeing her, even though she is clearly tired and absolutely still needing recovery, is almost enough to make him forget his own exhaustion. It's bound to catch up to him, but for now, all he can feel is relief. ]


That makes two of us, then. [ What do you call a can of peaches that only has two peaches in it? That sounds like a bad joke. But it might make her laugh. I'll save it for later, though. ]

Do you need me to get you anything? [ His eyes travel to her hand that's outstretched. Inviting him to step closer. If only he could shake off the lingering fear of causing her harm if he gets too close. Maybe just holding her hand won't do anything. Maybe. God, I hope it doesn't.

He slowly extends his own hand, carefully twining his fingers with hers, bracing himself for a repeat of what happened in the sheriff's station. But nothing seems to happen, and so he lets out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding in. ]


I forgot what a real shower felt like. [ He admits that readily enough, feeling a little proud that he managed to do something as normal as shower without spiraling out again. ] But yeah, I'm great. Clean, peachy... great.

[ I'm worried as hell, but she doesn't need to know that. ]

Are you sure that it's okay? You- you've been through a lot in not a lot of time. [ I've been through a lot in too much time. I think. I guess we make a pair. ]

I told that agent- Estevez... I told her I'd look after you.

[ It's only in his imagination, but he pictures Estevez frowning with disapproval at the notion of Alan sliding next to Jesse and sharing the bed, when she's supposed to be resting under his watch. ]
Edited 2023-11-10 16:07 (UTC)
crazyisinevitable: (0128)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-11 07:38 am (UTC)(link)
[ Alan's expression doesn't change, but a scream seems to echo in his mind. For just a second, he's transported back into a windowed room, and he hears the frustrated scream and the thud of a typewriter that's been hurled against the wall.

You're not there. You're here, you're out. You're OUT.

He feels her tugging at his fingers and he instantly leans into that touch, allowing himself to finally take a step forward, and then another until he's at the side of the bed. He doesn't want to drown; he doesn't want the waves to come back in and pull him out with them. He wants the connection between them again, and he's all too willing to open himself up to it. ]


Something worse? [ His expression sobers, and a sort of darkness falls over his eyes for a moment. He only has his frame of reference, but in his mind, "something worse" usually means something wild and feral, tearing at you and pulling away pieces of you until nothing's left. He hopes that's not the kind of "something worse" Jesse means. ]

You're really both all right? Whatever happened, it's- has that happened to you before?

[ He's grasping at what he can, trying to understand. Trying to take what he can learn to use it, in hopes that maybe someone can use the information to stop this from happening again. It probably won't be him. It'll most likely be Jesse herself, or Steve. Or Estevez. They have more experience than he does. He's just a man groping blindly in the dark and trying to make sense of it all. ]

All right. If you're sure. [ He'd be lying if he said he didn't want to join her in the bed. His own need for rest is pulling at his mind and his body but he's been pushing it away in the interest of being there for her. And, of course, the bruise on his side chooses that moment to twinge as if reminding him he hasn't come through it all unscathed either.

But in this moment, his well-being isn't at the forefront of his mind. No, he's focused on her and what she needs, and he watches closely as she moves to one side of the bed, moving the blankets and sheets so that he can get in next to her. It seems clear enough that she won't accept anything but him joining her in the bed, so he finally slides in beside her wincing briefly as he tries to position himself in a way that makes his bruised side hurt less.

In the end, he ends up lying down so that he's on his back but as close to her as he dares to get. He's close enough that she can rest her head against his shoulder, an action that makes him smile. Only then does he slide in a fraction closer, because he realizes he doesn't want there to be space between them. He doesn't want to jar her unnecessarily, as that only makes his side ache more, but he just wants to be with her. Touching her.

Finally, once he's satisfied with where he's positioned, he looks at her, worry still plain in his eyes. His fingers curl against hers, wanting to hold her hand tightly but still gently. ]


I know. Saga tried to reach me too, probably after it didn't work with you. [ But Saga's intrusion didn't affect him the same way. He knows it didn't, and it bothers him that the FBI agent is responsible for Jesse being down for the count. ]

I- Did it feel like that when I tried to reach you? [ She's never said that it did, and he remembers saying that Polaris didn't flare up in defense, but now he wonders. Was that really the way it went? Did Polaris react and he didn't realize it?

But then his smile fades and a look of confusion crosses his face. ]


The Board? I've never heard of them. Of course, why would I? I'm guessing most people don't know a thing about them. Wait. Wait.

[ No. I do know something. Maybe not anything concrete. Maybe nothing that makes sense, but- ]

I know this. There was a threat. And- and... [ Alan's voice shakes and he feels himself start to shake too. ] I changed it.

[ "No. No, you're not doing that to her. I- I refuse to accept it. I have to change the story. This can't be the story! I promised her I'd..."

The words echo in Alan's mind and his frown deepens as snippets of memories enter and exit his mind and he tries to turn those snippets into something whole. But first things first, he has one thing he has to say before he gets too distracted and forgets about it. ]


Jesse, I'm sorry. [ He's apologized before, but now it feels different. ] I'm sorry that I brought you into this.
crazyisinevitable: (068)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-11 10:21 pm (UTC)(link)
Not like this? [ Alan frowns too as he watches the way Jesse's eyes scan around the room, settling on random objects and things as she seems to think.

What is she thinking? Alan can venture guesses, but while he can sometimes manage to read Jesse and her body language, there are other times when he hasn't a clue. His mind that is always far too active is spinning into overdrive, wondering what might be going through her head. Does she blame him somehow? Saga wanted to find him, but she went for Jesse first. That unwanted, unasked for intrusion is what set all of this off.

Is this my fault? He sighs in relief, at least a little, when Jesse quickly silences his worries about how it might have felt when he reached out to her, when she received his transmissions through the Hotline. If there had even been a chance that he caused harm to her and Polaris through those messages, well- he'd find it even harder to live with himself.

As it is, fear has Alan in its clutches again. Fear because of a memory that's surfaced, even though it's fragmented and vague and he's only seeing pieces of it. They died. The... the Board? They killed them. Why did it kill both of them? I don't- I can't remember. All I remember is changing it. I had to change it, to keep my promise. You can't keep a promise to someone if they're dead. Shit.

Instinctively, automatically, he responds to Jesse's tightening hold on his hand. She's alive, and he doesn't need to slip beneath the waves, not now. Everything's all right, or it will be. Until the next horror arises. But for now, for however long they have, they're all right. Safe. Together. It's enough.

But Jesse speaks again, and Alan's focus pulls immediately back to her. ]


No, they wouldn't be, but maybe you wouldn't be caught up in this mess. Maybe you'd be safe. Safer than you are here. I know this is my fault. I'm trying to fix it. [ The words sound automatic, like he's saying them by rote memorization. Maybe he is. People like Saga seem to keep coming at him demanding he fix what he's done. He's trying. He's trying as hard as he can.

But he silences again as she goes on talking. Talking about something that seems to have been from her past, but maybe not the too distant past? It's hard to tell. ]


The Hiss... The Hiss. [ A thought or a memory rises in Alan's mind then, and words form unbidden: You came and we let you in through the hole in you. A poem. Words from a shoebox. A chant, or something like it. ]

They got in. Or they already were in. [ Alan feels his expression shifting, a look of horror taking his face. How many times has he worn a look like that? It might as well be his face at this point. Is everything everywhere just a horror story? Is that all the world is, whether inside reality or out of it? Or in a different reality, in Alan's case?

I thought that maybe there was a chance that the world was going on normally outside the Dark Place. The world keeps turning, people keep going to work, having families, living their lives. Was I wrong? There's always an undercurrent of horror. Evil, dark forces always working where people can't see them, unless they know to look. And most people don't know to look. Is that good or bad?

... I was wrong.

The egg cracks and the truth will emerge out of you. You are home.


Alan feels Jesse's hand begin to shake and that feeling is what pulls him out of his thoughts, away from the horror that's seemingly washing over him again. His fingers curl against hers, tightening against them, hoping his touch reassures her in return. It might be a meaningless gesture when stacked against something as horrifying as the Hiss, but he does it anyway. ]


I didn't- I didn't know. [ And now that he does, he can't forget it. Doesn't want to forget it, even if the thought of it makes him want to run screaming. There's no running, not anymore. Not for him. There's only staying and fighting back. That's the only way to move forward, to grasp that ending that they're all striving for, whether they realize it or not. ]

I didn't know how bad it was. How bad it is.

[ He pauses. ]

The darkness really is everywhere, isn't it? [ It's not just the Dark Place. Not just the Dark Presence. And for the first time, Alan's realizing just how high the odds are stacked against all of them. It might seem like useless nuance, but they're all in this fight now, not just him. Would Jesse, Saga, the FBC, and everyone else who's been roped in be involved if not for him? It's hard for him to tell. But they're in, they're involved, and he has to keep fighting to one day put an end to all of this. ]
Edited 2023-11-11 22:33 (UTC)
crazyisinevitable: (004)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-12 02:23 am (UTC)(link)
[ A feeling of doubting crosses Alan's mind then. No, not just doubt. Self-doubt. Doubting himself. Questioning his actions, his decisions. It seems that his ability to be confident in himself comes and goes with the waves. The tide is out now, and Alan's confidence is going out with it. But the one person who can bring it back in, tide or no tide, is right here with him. A part of him feels as though he shouldn't be relying as heavily upon her, but- she's his inspiration. His reason to keep going.

Even when everything seems lost, he just looks at her or thinks about her and feels his drive and determination return. Without her, he's just blindly trying to make his way through the darkness. With her, she's guiding him by the hand and doing what she can to show him the way. ]


It wouldn't be such a mess if I were different. Better. If I hadn't left the proverbial window open, letting him in. [ It's my fault! He got out. Scratch, with my face!

If he'd been more vigilant, if he'd been more careful, maybe Return wouldn't have ever been written. But spending time thinking about "maybes" won't get him anywhere. It won't help him fix the story. ]


I know you're right, but- What would this all look like if I wasn't a writer? Would it be better or worse? [ It's ultimately a pointless thought, but he wonders how things would be if he was a photographer like Alice or an artist drawing pictures. Not a filmmaker or a poet, because that's just asking for trouble. Isn't it? ]

Maybe if I had been something different, the collateral damage wouldn't be so great.

[ For just a second, a hint of the strain that Alan's had to shoulder as part of the process of trying to fix the story shows in his eyes. Stress lines form on his forehead as he sees pages from the manuscript spread out on a board or other flat surface. Arrows drawn between words and ideas go in all directions. Statements with question marks at the end of them are scrawled all over the board. Some words are scrawled out. Scratched out. The image of the board shifts and question marks written in Alan's hand cover the entirety of the surface.

What the hell? I really am losing it.

But as before, Jesse's movement catches his attention and pulls him out of the maze of his mind. She's pushed herself up with one arm, leaning over him. God, she's beautiful. ]


I just- I don't know how to explain it, but visions... images... things have reached me there before, sinking down to the bottom of- [ Of what? The lake? The ocean? What is it? Stop spiraling, Alan. Keep it together. ]

Why didn't I get a vision of that? I know I can't control what visions reach me, but you'd think something like that would manage to get through. Not that I could do anything about it, but- but maybe I could have. I- [ He's spinning out again, and he feels his desperation rising. He needs to make it stop. makeitstopmakeitstop- I just want to go home.

He startles when Jesse's forehead presses against his, but that startle response is enough to send the waves receding from him again. They're not going to drag him away this time. He draws a shaky breath, willing himself to calm back down again as he answers her. ]


You're crazy? If you're crazy, then I'm completely insane. I know, we've talked about this before. [ Haven't we? ] I'm not running. I'm listening. [ I'm still here. ]

Yeah. Yeah, there is. It just feels like the darkness is winning. But it hasn't won yet. Not yet. We're still-

[ He cuts himself off, because he's rambling and he knows it. She doesn't need to hear more of his crazy rambles. And he would rather listen to her than hear himself anyway.

His eyes lock on hers, because he senses that there is a point to all this: a point she's trying to drive home into his head, a head that's more spacey than it should be. Than it has any right to be. Pay attention. Wake up.

She's biting her lip, and he thinks he sees nervousness in her eyes. Or maybe that's just his own constantly nervous, panicked mind projecting things onto her.

But then it comes, and it takes Alan's breath away. He forgets to breathe for a second, then five seconds, then ten...

I wanted to be with the man I love again.

He's frozen beside her, not breathing, not doing anything but feeling something welling up inside him: something he hasn't felt in who knows how long. Surprise? Wonder? Love? Shock? All of the above?

I'm the man she loves? I wanted to tell her that I love her, but I never expected to hear it from her, even after the way we found each other in the story. I don't know why, but I didn't think she'd ever say it.

Alan's free hand that isn't holding hers slides to cover his face. His breath hitches again just as shakily as before, and he feels something sliding down his face and soaking into his beard. Several somethings that he tries to hide behind his hand, hoping she doesn't see. Hoping she doesn't notice how her words have rocked him, touched something inside him that he wasn't prepared to feel. ]
crazyisinevitable: (047)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-12 08:04 am (UTC)(link)
[ "Overwhelmed" is probably accurate. But he could have just as easily given up too. He knows full well that there have been times when he wanted to lie down and give up. When the pressure of the Dark Place weighed too heavily on his mind, when the waves of Cauldron Lake were breaking on the shore, too close for comfort- Alan wanted to give up. ]

That's just it, isn't it? Who decides? There's no one there to ask. [ Inside the Dark Place, he means. He huffs out a humorless laugh. ] Maybe that's why everything got so messed up. There's no one there but me, and well- does it look like I give good advice about anything? Otherwise, the Dark Presence decides, and that's not great either.

[ Alan sighs and it feels like it comes from somewhere deep inside him. Jesse's gotten him figured out. Not that it's difficult. Dad issues. Substance abuse issues at one point. Asshole. Not cut out for the fame machine. Anger issues. Big asshole. Ego the size of New York. Sometimes depressed. Huge asshole. MURDERER. You lost her. It's your fault. it's YOUR fault. IT'S YOUR FAULT.

It's his voice, but those thoughts don't belong to Alan. It's how the Dark Presence sounds when it's tearing at his mind, pulling at what's left of his willpower.

He doesn't respond, because what can he say? He's everything she says he is. Do his attempts to hold back the Dark Presence outweigh the bad things he's done? He doesn't say anything, just lets her words and the sound of her voice wash over him. He feels her tugging on his hand, and he tries valiantly to pull himself out of his own twisting thoughts.

It's a struggle as it always is, but he's trying. Trying to fight. Trying to swim up. He offers her a crooked sort of smile. ]


I'm supposed to be helping you. You're the one who got hit the hardest, and here I am making it about me. Again. Always. [ Isn't that how I lost Alice in the first place? ] I'm sorry.

The Hiss might not be my fault, but- [ So much is his fault, regardless of what Jesse says. The knowledge of it crushes him sometimes.

His fingers curl further, gripping his face tightly as tears continue to fall. Why tears? Why now, of all times? Is it because he hasn't heard anyone use the word "love" referring to him in years? Am I that desperate? Deprived? Trying to find the answer to explain it all doesn't stop them from flowing, continuing to soak his beard. But he's aware that Jesse is still beside him; he feels her lower herself back down to the bed, and he tries once again to pull himself together.

His hand lowers from his face, knowing he must look like a mess. But with watery eyes and all, he manages a small smile for her. He tries to catch his breath, but it comes out sounding like a hiccup. The sound of it makes him laugh even though it's not particularly funny. What a sight he must be right now, with red, watery eyes but a smile that's nothing but genuine. He scrubs at his eyes with his hand before he takes this chance to push himself up now from the bed, ignoring the protest from his bruised side. ]


You know something- [ His smile widens, and his gray eyes search for hers, hoping she looks at him. ]

I love you. I- I have for awhile now. [ More than awhile, through loops upon loops. Through mistakes he made thinking he could save her. Through so many twists and turns in the road. It's been a long road to get to this point. But now feels like the time to say it: now, before he loses his nerve or something stops him. ]
crazyisinevitable: (048)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2023-11-12 07:02 pm (UTC)(link)
[ He nods slowly, because she's right. She's always been right. And the thing is, it's starting to sink in just what he'll have to do to end it all. It's just not what anyone wants, him least of all. How long has it taken him to get to this point? How many years of fighting and toiling and struggling to break through the darkness?

His hand curls, almost clenching into a fist against hers as the realization settles in further. She's going to hate it. Hell, I hate it. But what more can I do?

He's also aware that her old method of bringing him back isn't going to work forever. The water is too deep, and he's going deeper. A hand in the water is fine. An arm going in up to the shoulder is less so. But anything more than that? Not happening. ]


I know that, but- you have to admit, I look pretty self-absorbed most of the time. [ It's not rare, exactly, but it's not an every day thing for Alan to be this blunt about himself and how he imagines people see him. ] Right now, it's not about me. You had the alien force in your head dialing up to 24, and it put you down for the count. That means you should be focusing on you.

[ I'm an asshole for turning the focus back on me. It's not supposed to be on me, not now. ]

Now what? [ He pretends to stop and think about that for a second, but really, there's only one thing he wants to do. With his forehead resting against hers, he leans in so that he can press his lips against hers in the deepest kiss he can manage. ]

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