synthneon | oceanview || ❝ i must guide my love through the night. ❞

oceanview || ❝ i must guide my love through the night. ❞

OCEANVIEW II

into the dark, dark, dark.

I’m fighting to save my love somеhow
I cannot feel her by my side
Even in this placе inside my mind CODE BY TESSISAMESS

[ Too many people along the way have paid prices of varying levels, and the last thing Alan wants is for Jesse to have to pay more than she already has, because of him. He knows that if he thinks about this for too long, he'll start to spiral, and the waves will come back in, and that's the last thing he wants. But from his perspective, all he can see is the trouble he's caused, and that he continues to cause.

Will this ever stop? Will I find a way to either end this, or to do it on my own so that no one else gets hurt? ]

On you, off you... You'd look good either way. [ He tries to smirk, but it falls a bit flat given the worries lurking in the back of his mind. ]

You're confident that we can end this. [ That I can end this. I know that I did it once, but that was different. That didn't take me thirteen years. ] But even if it doesn't happen as soon as I'd like, I would like to enjoy Deerfest. With you, and with everyone else. But mostly you.

[ He shivers too, in spite of himself, and as he shifts to move against her too, wanting nothing to be between them, his side protests, but he resolutely ignores it. He might have gotten knocked around by the Taken, but nothing is going to stop him from having this moment with Jesse.

With the hand that's resting against her hip, fingers ghost against what they can reach of the skin there, tracing against it in small patterns. In the places where her fingers touch, pressing into his shoulders, little sparks like fireworks seem to go off beneath his skin.

The Taken might come once nightfall arrives again, but as long as it is still light out, all Alan wants is these moments between them to get to know each other, fully and completely. And what better way to do that than to touch each other, explore what they can reach of each other's bodies, to know the other both inside and out?

In a lot of ways, they have the "inside" part covered. They explored the outside too, once, in a loop... maybe more than once. But for Alan, the difference now is that this time, he's awake. The waves are staying back, and he can remember. The nightmares have tried taking him over, and they'll try to do it again, but for now, he's letting go of the fears he has so that he can be with her and be present.

His lips brush against hers, but that's not as far as he goes. It's hesitant, as if he doesn't want to force what he's about to do on her, but if she doesn't like it, she can always push him away.

But he won't know her reaction until he tries, and so summoning up what nerve he can, he lightly traces the outline, the outside of her lip with the tip of his tongue. He knows she doesn't welcome touch, especially when she isn't expecting it, so he expects this to be something she doesn't welcome either. ]

[ She would argue the price she's paid is worth it. Sure, she's been knocked down for now. But, she's the Director. She'll bounce back by the time she's really needed. Besides, Anderson is alive, so is Steve, Estevez and Alan is here. Home. It's a small trade off and if that's what it takes? Fine by her.

The flat smile doesn't go unnoticed. Jesse's own fades slightly, pressing her forehead to his. Right. Not the time for light joking. She understands. ]

Yes, I am. I know you can find a way to end it all. You did it before, and maybe it seemed just as hopeless. But, you've got more tools and people this time around who can help. We just need to line the pieces up right.

[ Jesse let's a small smile shine in her eyes. ] Deerfest together. Got it. I'd say maybe even Coffee World... but we do have the business owners of that locked up at the Sherrif Station. It may not reopen soon.

[ Jesse can hardly recall the loop where this all started--the story and them. Bits and pieces survived, but not necessarily images with them. She knows the basics of anything in interviews they've had, who Alan is as a person, that they were intimate before, and that Scratch got the upper hand on her.

Everything else blurs and seems to come back in moments that are similar but different. Seeing him sleep on the couch is one of those instances. She must have fallen quick and fast if they've been intimate before. Something that he said or did opened that door for her to trust him more. What that is seems to be lost in to merged loops, but, she knows it happened. She can feel it with no hesitation.

And, given he's a writer, he probably remembers certain things without even realizing it. She just has an alien in her head that helps.

His fingers at her hip cause her back to arc into him. She leans into his touch to encourage him, a sharp gasp managing to escape her. Normally she might freeze and curl up at the sudden touches, but, it's Alan. She knows him and he knows her--and she can trust him. Even with something like this.

Another gasp comes from her as he outlines her lip. Her hips shift again followed by a sound she'd say is sort of like a moan, but not entirely. One hand moves to the base of his neck into his hair and the other presses into his back more. Suddenly he's not close enough and she feels like she's melting into his arms.

Weird, given she has never liked the feeling any other time. Losing control, melting. Only with him.]

[ It might be worth it this time; what they've managed to gain might make this time worth it, but what about the next time? What wil the price be then? Who will have to pay it? Alan's been trying all along to limit the damage, even though the Dark Presence has fought him every step of the way. Once it's in the story, I have to use it. Even if I hate it. Even if it's not what I'd do.

If he can direct most of the damage to himself rather than to other people, that's good. Not good for him, but paying any kind of price never is. He's the one who started all of this; shouldn't he shoulder most of the fallout whenever possible? Yes. Yes, I have to do that. I have to fix this.

If he were in a better, lighter mood, he would have joked right back. He wants to do that; he wants to be happy, to make jokes, to laugh. ] Sorry. You're trying to help, trying to bring the mood up, and I'm just- [ A downer. The worst downer that's ever existed. ]

I wish I had half of your confidence. I had it, once, before all of this. But maybe you're right. Maybe this time, the key isn't just me. The key is you. Everyone who's trying to help in their own way. [ Not Scratch. He's trying to take everything away from me. I can't let him. ]

I know about Deerfest, but Coffee World? [ It sounds like an interesting place, at least, even if it doesn't sound likely that they'll get to check it out. There's probably a story there, and he hopes it's not one he had anything to do with. But knowing his luck? It probably is.

Encouraged by her reactions, he begins to be a little bolder with his explorations. Nothing outrageous, not forcing anything on her, but occasionally exploring a little bit past her lips before pulling back. This isn't his first time being intimate with another person, even if there's still a lot of "firsts" for them. But he can't help but feel apprehensive somehow, as if his advances might turn out to be unwelcome.

He feels her hand pressing into his back, and he feels her seemingly shift against him, almost melting into his hold, which in turn causes him to pull in his arms tighter around her, holding her closer as he presses a deep kiss onto her mouth. ]

It's okay. [ The tone in her says she means what she says. ] Sometimes it's not the time or place to joke around.

[ He's always been a bit broody and moody. That just helps build the charm and mystique of Alan Wake.

A small smile touches her face. She presses her forehead to his. ] We just need to help you find that confidence again.

Maybe the key is all of it. Not just one particular piece or person? All these little things building up together. [ A huff of a laugh. ] It's an amusement park based around coffee. I thought it might be your kind of place.

[ His advances are anything but unwelcome. She tries to communicate that in their kiss when he returns to place a deep one on her mouth. There's a hunger and a need to come together. Not just her as Jesse, but the part that resonates with the spark inside him. Letting go means allowing that part to drive her as well... and that is what scares and worries her. His reaction to it.

Regardless of it, her hips press against his and she rocks into him as best she can. Fingers at his neck gently brush along the hairline and base of his neck, trying to find out what he likes. Where she can touch him to make him let go as well. ]

Is it? Is it really okay? [ A flash of doubt shows in his eyes for just a moment. He can hear it in her tone of voice that it is, but he still can't stop himself from asking. As for his charm and mystique, whatever he might have had that lent itself to those qualities seems to have been lost, in his own honest opinion of himself. Of course, everyone is their own harshest critic, and Alan is no exception to that. ]

Between you and me, I think that's a futile effort. A lost cause.

[ He shrugs, rolling his shoulders noncommittally. ] I never was very good at puzzles. Maybe that's why I can't write myself out of this one. [ He does manage to smile at her further description of Coffee World. ] If it reopens, we should go. Make it a date. Well, not a date, just two people going to see an attraction at the same time. Coincidentally.

[ It's totally a date.

With that kiss, it becomes clear to Alan that she welcomes his advances, and wants more of them besides. But she surprises him when she brushes her fingers against the hairline and the base of his neck. If getting him to let go is her goal, she's off to a good start. His head tips back just slightly, not far enough to break the kiss, but just enough to indicate a pleased response to her touches.

His lips are still on hers, and he takes the briefest of breaths before going in again for another kiss. Her touches to the back of his neck, an admittedly sensitive spot, have teased out a response, but he has yet to fully let go. ]

Yes, it is. [ Jesse presses against his forehead. They've survived their first night (again) against the Taken. They're both injured. It may not be the right time for such levity. Somewhere between light and dark of the situation seems to be the right area. ] Maybe. I think you just need to find that spark inside you again.

[ She feels Polaris shift in agreement. Even a shimmer appears. ]

And Polaris agrees. [ There is a certainty in her voice that only seems to come out when she's talking about her friend. A hint at that special connection. ] She'll help however she can.

[ Her eyebrows raise at his proposal of their date, but not really a date. Jesse can't help but almost giggle at it. It's a small one, almost stiffled, but it's clear what it is. ]

Alan. That's a date. [ She smiles then. ] We've never gone on a date. Have we?

[ « With everything going on... we've never had one. We've shared things with each other, been intimate, even agreed to have a life together. But... we've never had a date. Like a normal couple. Could we manage it now? I know it's an AWE, but there's so much down time in the day... » ]

Let's get breakfast tomorrow. The two of us. [ Part of her can't believe she's suggesting it. She hasn't been on a date in years. Would he really want to go out with everything going on? ] We can work out what to do next. Have some coffee. Enjoy a meal together.

[ « I... really like the sound of it. Will he? Maybe not. »

She meets him back for a kiss. He seems to like being touched where she's exploring. Maybe because it's been so long since he has? Before all the loops that is. Being trapped in the Dark Place for so long... with just memories of what it was like to talk to people. Be with them. Does he really remember everything from the loops and versions of the story?

Her other hand would move along his side, but she's afraid of accidently touching the bruise there. Instead, she gently slides her fingers up his arm, down his back, then rounds along the waistline of his sweatpants. Ones she thinks he looks good in--relaxed and comfortable.

She breaks from their kiss long enough to lock her eyes onto his again. There's a question in her gaze as her fingers glide along the skin at his hip. Should she keep going? Or, should she reign herself back in for him? She can pull it back--box it up and control it if he needs her to. ]

Okay. [ He knows the answer comes too quickly, to automatically. He's certain she won't believe him. She won't believe that he's accepting her answer, and she won't believe that he believes it's possible for that spark that's gone out to come alive again. He doesn't believe it, because even if it does come back to life, something will snuff it right back out.

He doesn't say it, because it's bordering too much on harshness for his liking. He might have not shown so much consideration thirteen years ago, but now, knowing what he does about the shared bond between Jesse and Polaris, and the added fact that sometimes he's just too tired to expend the energy on cutting words silences him. But there is a part of him that's buried deep inside that questions Polaris's ability to be truly helpful.

Still, saying that to her would accomplish nothing except maybe earn him a dose of anger. Deserved anger, but it's not something he wants to set himself up for, not willingly. ]

It is? Really? [ He manages a half-smirk to show that he's joking. ] No, we've never gone on a date. I don't know if anything we could do here would count as one. If I'm going to take you on a date, it's going to go the whole nine yards, because- well, you deserve it. [ And I don't want her telling Steve or anyone else that I was a bad date. ]

Breakfast with you sounds great. [ He knows he'd have some hurdles he'd have to find a way to climb over, because eating is still an idea he has trouble with. But sleeping was a hurdle too, and he managed to do that, at least for a little while. Maybe if he just starts slowly, he can manage it. ] Just being with you sounds great.

[ But I don't think she'd like it if she ate and I just watched.

Her touches make him feel as though he could just go weak at the knees, and not only because it's been so long since anyone touched him. She could touch him anywhere and he'd react the same, because it's her, and he loves her. Even if she's still discovering what makes him respond, the truth is that he would respond to anything she decided to do.

And the memories of events that happen within the loops are slippery things; sometimes he can recall details from them, while other times, the details fade away, buried by other memories. He'd say his sense of recall is pretty bad, given how things slip in and out of his mind. An effect of the Dark Place, most likely.

Her touches make him shiver in her hold, but it's a pleasurable kind of shiver. If she keeps on touching him like this, he'll be little more than putty in her hands for her to do whatever she likes with. He can feel a glazed over look settling into his eyes, not because he's drifting away in the waves, but because he's losing himself in a moment of sheer pleasure. And all she's doing is touching and kissing him.

With some effort, he pulls himself out of that well of pleasure just in time for her to lock eyes with him. He sees that question in her own eyes, and by way of an answer, he rocks his hips against hers slowly at first, but increasing in pace. In his mind, there's no need for either of them to rein themselves in, not anymore. ]

[ Her eyebrows raise, but that's the only expression she gives him. No words, no extra movements. So much of Alan seems to be lost in his own head. Polaris insists she can guide him back--just as she did her amplifier. Jesse choses to believe in her oldest friend. Not just because of years built on trust, but, because the alternative is too dark for her to accept.

He's lost enough. More of himself is too much.

She nudges his leg gently with his joking. It's good to see him joke. Have some sort of semblance of levity. ]

I might not deserve it. Still, it'd be... well, I can't say I've had a date like that. I mean. I've been on dates. Just not the kind you're probably thinking of.

[ She nods then, a certain glow in her eyes. ] Breakfast it is then. Something small and light for now.

[ Her heart skips a beat at the look in his eyes. She knows what it's like to see him drift away, something pulling his mind from his surroundings and leaving him saying whatever comes to him. She can tell he's still with her, just lost in the moment. It's almost a laser focus on the details of his expression. Notes to herself so she can tell what's somewhat going on in his head.

His gaze locks back to hers and he shifts against her.

That's enough of an answer for her.

Jesse kisses him again. Hungry, needy, but making sure not to move her head too much. It feels the wrong sort of dizzying when she nods or moves too fast side to side. Instead, she focuses on keeping her head still and ghosting her open mouth against his lips.

Was it like this in the first circle through the story? Or has it only built with every passing version until tensions have reached to this point? She can't say she remembers well. While most her memories seem more reliable than his? It's namely the emotions she remembers from that very first time. Everything else has been washed away by a tide.

Her hips rock against his, fingers moving under the waist line of the sweats. She moves her fingers along, pressing when he rocks against the right spot. A soft moan echoes against his lips as she shifts to rock in time with him. At least, as best as she can. She imagines he knows those right places to make her let go entirely and just be in the moment. ]

[ Maybe he lets himself be lost in his head too much. It's what the Dark Presence wants: to pull him away until there's nothing of him left, and that's when it'll swoop in. Maybe if he fought it more, he wouldn't drift away from her so much. But what does fighting it look like, anyway? For him, it's complicated, but what seems to somewhat ground him is thinking about her. Not just any old thoughts about her, but thoughts about her with him in their reality.

Yes, it's my reality too. I keep forgetting that. Or something is making me forget that. But it's where I'm from, where I belong, if I can believe what she keeps saying. ]

I know it's stupid, and you're probably thinking: oh, it's Alan Wake, just another rich guy throwing his money around. But- well, I don't know if I'm that rich guy anymore. Who knows what happened to what I owned? It probably all went to Alice. But... maybe if I write more books and they sell really well, I'll have the money to take you on a really nice date.

[ If she looks close enough, she'll notice that Alan's eyes have lit up as well, as if just the thought of treating her to a nice date has rekindled some kind of spark inside him. Maybe it's not the spark he needs to finally be free of this place, but at least it's a spark. ]

And coffee, right? [ The memory's a faint one because it feels like it happened a long time ago now, but he vaguely remembers a thermos of coffee that he didn't drink. Maybe this time, he'll actually eat and drink something. Maybe.

She kisses him again, and the kiss takes his breath away, but that feeling of breathlessness doesn't bother him. All he can focus on is the feel of her lips against his, and the way her hands rest along his back, her fingers moving beneath the fabric of the pants he borrowed. A thought enters his mind then, one that he wants to follow through with but is unsure what Jesse would think. Given what she's wearing at the moment, he thinks it wouldn't be strange, but his mind doesn't want to stop overthinking it.

Instead, he continues rocking his hips against hers, trying to find a rhythm that puts them in sync with each other. He wants to let go of his own hesitations and let his hands travel everywhere he can reach, exploring her, but he still finds himself pausing and trying to pull back on that urge. We've done this before, haven't we? Just let go. If she didn't want it, she'd say it. She'd do something to make that clear. ]

[ She'll do what she needs to remind him. Even if it's holding his hand and pointing out something in a shop window that could come with them home. Little things that remind him he does exist here in this reality. She'd even offer to take him to the bookstore and show him copies of the Alex Casey novels of time wasn't so short.

But, she feels that even that might not help. Maybe the problem isn't that Alan doesn't feel he is from this reality only because he's been in the Dark Place for so long. Maybe it's more along the lines that he isn't the same Alan Wake as he was before. He may not be able to relate to the person he was, and the Dark Presence is running amok with it.

Her breath catches in her throat at the light in his eyes. Even if it's small, it's a way to show he is here. Home. With her. ]

Well, until you sell some books, I'm fine with take out dates at home. I think I'm a pretty cheap date.

[ Which she doesn't mind being. It's not like she's been on a date in years anyways. She presses her forehead to his with a smile. Just being anywhere with him would make her happy. ]

They say the Oh Deer Diner coffee is the best in the area... so, I think we could manage that. [ Her head tilts slightly, but not enough to make her head pound. ] Little steps at a time.

[ His name tumbles from her in hushed tones as he moves to find a rhythm that suits them both. Legs move to gently lock around his. Trying to find a place that won't offset his injury is a bit of a puzzle, but, she's sure they can find it.

She slides her hand from the waistline of the pants and slips between them. Her eyes slide open again to find his, a dazed but present look in them. They have done this before, but, it feels like they need to re-establish the boundaries for some reason. Maybe because it was so long ago that the memories have been washed away even if their bodies seem to retain the knowledge.

Her hand just rests against him, between their hips, trying to communicate that she's fine with going where he wants. Them is about each of them, and he needs to feel comfortable, the desire and need if they continue. Yes, she wants him and wants this, but only if he wants her. ]

[ That certainly could have something to do with it. The Alan Wake from thirteen years ago is very different from the Alan Wake of the present. And there's a certain disconnect from who he was then and who is now that seems to be hanging onto Alan like a weight he can't shake off.

There are moments in which he doesn't even recognize himself, and moments when he questions who he is now and what sort of person he even is. Am I a person at all? I just can't help but ask that. The question keeps coming up by itself.

But he's with her, and he's doing his best to keep it that way. He drifts away enough; he doesn't need to be doing that now. ]

Chinese? Italian? There's a lot of options we could go with. Hell, we could even order a little of everything. But in all seriousness, you deserve a real date, not just takeout. Not that I don't enjoy some good takeout. Or I did. Maybe I hate takeout. I can't remember.

[ He smiles at her in spite of the unsettling realization that he's finding it harder to remember things he might have liked. ]

But you're getting coffee first. I think you need it more.

[ For him, if his injury gets jostled, it doesn't matter. No, he doesn't want to accidentally make it worse, but this moment is worth a little discomfort. What he'd like to do is see both of them lose more of their clothes, to truly be bare around each other, but he finds himself hesitating to even start to indulge that wish of his.

Instead, he moves his hand to her opposite hip as well, carefully sliding it in the space between them (not that there's much of it) and moving his fingers beneath the fabric of her tank top and ghosts them against the surface of the skin there. ]

[ Her gaze softens at his realization. Not that it has ruined the mood, or that she pitties him. No, she's just sorry all of this has happened to him. That she can't fix it. All the paranormal powers she possesses and none can seem to help him with his struggles.

Combat and fighting the Dark Presence? Yeah, sure. That's what she does as Director. It won't bring back memories or parts of him that he's lost. Being the Director can't undo what the Dark Presence has done--maybe just keep it from getting worse.

« What do I do to really help? Does this help? It feels like it's not enough. There's more I need to do. There should be more I can do. This can't be all of it. » ]

Probably best to start with a little bit of everything then. [ She gives him a small smile regardless of her worries. ] Starting with breakfast though. I'm not going to have a dinner date where you can't eat and enjoy it with me.

[ She laughs a little. ] Why would I need it more?

[ She'd be fine with that wish being granted. With each shift she can feel her own arousal growing and that need to pull off her own tank top for him to do as he wants. She just doesn't want to move too fast. Or, move in a way that would be jarring and make him back out at the last moment. This isn't walking on eggshells, but she does feel it's something delicate. Special.

Despite how that part of her that wants to latch onto that spark in him pushes her to just go.

Her head tilts to the side at the feeling of his fingers against her skin. Almost like a mini explosion that sets off, her body seems to remember how he moves along her. Her hand between them traces over him before his name makes it out of her again, lips moving against his mouth. He could ask her to do anything, move her any way, and she'd do it. ]

[ How do you fight the Dark Presence? Unless it's manifesting itself as Scratch, it's not something you can shoot at or throw things at. It's not like a flashlight is enough to burn it away. It's too big for that.

The questions arise in Alan's mind, unwittingly echoing Jesse's own thoughts. He wants to let her help, as the realization has slowly been settling in that this is a fight he can't finish on his own. It's not even something he wants to finish on his own. He's been more or less on his own all along, and even though it hasn't fully registered in his mind, he's growing tired of this solitary road he's been traveling on for who knows how long now. ]

Well, I can't make any promises, but I'll try, at least. [ Except the idea of forcing himself isn't really an attractive one. But maybe if he just starts small and works up from that. It's what she's asking him to do, after all. ]

You had a long fight, and you got knocked out. I'd say that more than earns you a long rest, if we had the time, and all the cups of coffee the diner has.

[ His lips turn up into a sort of smirk at that thought. ] If time wasn't against us, I'd even offer to wash dishes as some kind of payment for the coffee. Since I don't have money on me, you know.

[ Feeling emboldened by her response to his touch, he widens the area he's exploring with his fingers, tracing light patterns against her skin while feeling small explosions of his own as she whispers his name against his mouth.

He wants to be touched by her just as much as he wants to keep touching her, letting his fingers explore the sensitive skin beneath the tank top she's wearing. Even as his fingers trace against her side, feeling along her rib cage, he knows that he wants more. He wants all barriers between them to come down for good, as they've done before, so that nothing lies between them. So that they're one.

But even as he continues his touches, a doubt surfaces in the back of his mind. Does she want what he wants? Is he moving too quickly? Maybe she doesn't want to be one with him, even in a hypothetical sense. He briefly halts his touches, raising his eyes to meet hers, searching them for an answer to his unspoken questions. ]

[ They'll figure something out. They always do. Their resources are limited here, but, Jesse feels the field agents have what equipment they need. They need to utilize it.

Maybe they can trap it in something then shove it back in the Lake. Find a way to close the threshold. Keep it trapped in the Dark Place. It could work... they just need to locate it.

Jesse rolls her eyes again and let's the smile on her face widen. ] Really? You were there fighting too, and took a hit to the ribs. I'd say that's earned you something too.

You really don't strike me as the kind of guy who likes washing dishes. Even at home. [ Her face turns into a slightly playful expression as she pretends to think about it. A minor shake of her head follows so she doesn't feel like she threw herself back into dizzy town. ] Nope. I'm not seeing it.

[ She knows exactly what she wants. Her mind is more on logistics of making it happen with the least amount of additional injury to them. They need to be ready when the sun does set... but that's still hours away. And, Alan is with her now. Which makes it a higher priority in her mind at this very moment.

Fingers trace along her ribs and she shudders in his arms. The hand between then slides back to his lower back beneath the waistline of the sweats. Her hips shift up slightly so that when he rocks again, they meet each other dpesite the clothing in the way. That time she moans, loudly for her, head tilting back to expose her neck and collarbone.

Yes, she wants to be one with him. She's given control up for him--to him. Not just here in a bed in some random motel in Bright Falls, but for them in the story. Wherever it is he goes to write it. She's given him the reigns for it. Trusted him with her. There's not much more she can give someone. ]

Alan... [ This time she vocalize his voice. Not too loud, as it seems Jesse is just one to be quieter.

It takes effort to open her eyes and meet his. She feels the gaze on her. Her darkened green eyes meet his and her heart stops. A small gasp makes this way out when they rock together. She isn't sure how to communicate how badly she wants this--him. All she can think to do is let herself melt entirely in his arms and let her eyes darken more and glaze over.

So, she does just that. Giving that tightly wound control she always has over to him. ]

[ Maybe Alan's skeptical nature is showing itself again, but he is not nearly as confident that they will figure something out. But then again, the FBC is in the business of containing things. Maybe he should have more confidence in Jesse and her people. ]

I'm the one who caused all this, remember? You wouldn't be here having to worry about what happens when the sun goes down if it wasn't for me. Bright Falls would be just a normal small town with people going about their normal every day lives if it wasn't for me.

[ He shakes his head. ] I'm not saying this because I want you to tell me it's not true. I don't need reassurance. [ It would be lies, anyway. Maybe not from her, but from other people. ]

You're right, I hate washing dishes. But I'd do it for you.

[ As Jesse moves, sliding her hand to his lower back and shifts her hips against his, Alan feels like he's floating in a state of ecstasy. Her touch has that effect on him. And when her head tilts back, exposing her neck and collarbone, his own movement is instant but slow because his injured side continues to protest even when he's not moving quickly.

It takes some angling, given their respective positions, but he manages to brush his lips against her neck and traveling down to her collarbone where he plants more kisses, dotting them against the skin there.

When he's forced to come up for air, he breathlessly says her name, and it sounds like more of a question than a statement. ] Jesse?

[ Gray eyes remain locked on her green ones, but there's a haze of desire misting over them as he takes in her appearance, making note of even the smallest of details of her face. ]

[ It's not only the ability to contain things. Jesse spent most of her life looking for her baby brother. While it was far from the reunion she dreamed and hoped for? It was still a reunion. They found each other. Now she is in a place where she will be there when--and if--he ever wakes up. If that can happen? Alan can edit the story, change the ending, and bring home a happy ending.

Even if she's the only one who believes it.

« I'm used to being the only one who believes in something as true and real. » ]

No, Alan. [ Her tone is suddenly hard, gaze laser focused. ] The Dark Presence has been here longer than any of us. This is the place it's claimed as home. Bright Falls is like Ordinary. It would never be normal.

The Dark Presence used people before you. It'll try to use someone else. You aren't the only person who has caused reality changing bullshit to happen here. Okay? If it hadn't used you to start with, none of it would happen. Everything of this is a consequence of that interaction.

Maybe you could have done something better, smarter, but that's hindsight. You did what you did and now it's time to fix the now instead of bemoaning what you did. I've been there. I know what it's like. All you can do is move forward and make the changes now to make up for it.

[ She knows this feeling. How he kisses her neck and down, the hair of his beard brushing along her skin. Another soft moan escapes as she shudders in his hold. Gods she's missed this. Missed him; missed how he can make her feel with just a few motions.

A hand lifts to his face. Tips of her fingers brush over his beard, then his lips, as he raises his head and says her name. Darkened hazed green eyes meet his in a returned question, unable to really proper answer hum with words. Her read hair is fanned over the pillow under her.

« Why did he stop? » ]

[ Maybe that's a side effect of being a crime writer. Maybe he never believed in the happy ending as a construct or concept. Maybe his view of the world is a hard one, with no room for happy endings. Trouble always comes, and it's rarely resolved to anyone's satisfaction. Anyone on the side of good, that is.

Maybe that's why it's so hard for Alan to believe that his own story could end happily. ]

Has it? Has it really? I know there's history here, that things happened long before Alice and I even thought about this place, but has the Dark Presence really been here that long? Predating all of us?

[ He can't help but sound incredulous. For some reason, he hadn't thought of it like that. Of course, he's not stupid enough to think that his arrival here coincided with the Dark Presence making itself known for the first time. But for reasons he barely understands, he hadn't thought of it in such terms as the ones Jesse's just laid out for him. ]

But... No, whatever the case is, you're right. We'll stop it. I'll stop it. Somehow. I don't know how, or what I'll do, because- [ The words are gone. ] I don't have a choice.

[ He's made his choice, and that's to keep writing. To keep trying to make the ending work.

What was I going to ask her? Why did I say her name? ]

If.. if things were different. If you hadn't been dragged into this story- and don't say that you would have been involved anyway. If it was just you and me, no Director, no crazy story, just the two of us, living some kind of life... maybe together, maybe apart, but coming together... would you want that?

[ Would she want that old-fashioned house with the front porch and picket fence and little kids running around? Her kids? Ours? I don't know if she really would. But maybe we could be together somehow. In another life. Another reality, maybe.

His hand reaches out then to touch her face in return as his musings turn themselves around in his mind. ]

[ How he is may have shaped the genre he writes. Crime thrillers with noir takes and no happy endings could just be because he isn't sure how happy endings work. She knows he grew up with just his mother, as investigators and paparazzi seemed to always make that point in articles.

She doesn't want to project, but, maybe part of him has always felt abandoned. Thrown away. She knows that's how she felt as a child--why it was always her and Dylan. Mom and Dad always worked or were involved with social things. Not that they were unloving... just distant. So much so that when they finally stepped in with what was happening in Ordinary? She was so angry with them. They never listened, they never seemed to care, until everything went to shit.

« It still might be my fault they disappeared. Why not? Dylan and the Slide Projector were taken by the Buearu because I ran away. Because I was scared. Maybe they were taken because I was so angry. You didn't do it, Hedron didn't... but the Not-Mother may have. » ]

I don't know how long it's been here. But, I could feel that this... [ She frowns, how can she explain it? ] Cleansing something is like feeling one energy be torn off and Polaris's replacing it. Trying to cleanse just those two points felt like peeling layers away. It's been here a long time; taking parts of people and the area of Bright Falls.

And... I heard it. Talking in this voice of an old woman? Like a recording over the Hotline. She said that she'd find someone "to dream me free." Even if it wasn't you, I think it would of found another artist or author. You're a parautalitarian, and that's probably why everything happens here so strongly. It's using your powers to change everything else.

[ She smiles at his resolution. It's shaky, but, it's one nonetheless. Alan Wake deciding something and not any other influence. Her heart pounds in her chest.

She really has it bad for him.

His questions feel like a complete one hundred and eight turn from their current positions. Jesse feels almost a mental whiplash having to move from letting everything go to being in the moment to needing to focus on a conversation. The adrenaline is still pumping through her body, the need and hunger for him to keep going to be bare is loud and demanding.

« He wouldn't have asked if it's no important. »

It takes a monumental effort to move forward. Not to rock against him, but to push herself up to be sitting again. Her body shakes from not just the exhaustion of her psychic injury, but, from that need for him intimately. She sits up, one hand guiding him to do the same.

Jesse shifts into his lap then. Her hips sitting against his, hands on either side of his face. Her breathing is heavy from their activities, but also due to feeling like she's still swimming in mud. The pounding in her head increases, and she can't ignore it as well while sitting up.

Her forehead touches his as thr afternoon rays come through the window and touch her hair. They hit it just right to seem as if her hair is glowing.

Lips brush against his briefly. The questions are important. She needs to answer him. ]

I ... I can't see myself not being weird somehow. Maybe something else makes me weird not matter what. Not with Polaris, but maybe acquaintances... situations... [ Her eyes flick down to his mouth before returning to his gray ones. ] I would want it. I would want a life with you. I want one.

[ Jesse glances down at his lips again before brushing a teasing kiss there. Her hips rock into his again. Darkened eyes raise to his dark gray ones and she shivers against him. ]

Would you want me? If you were normal, and there was no crazy story, and I was still ... at least a little weird. No powers. Just, weird. Would that be okay?

[ Hands turn from his shoulders to other things. His hair. Fingers trialing down he back of his neck, down his shoulder, arm, settling on tracing patterns at his elbow. Her hips continue to rock against his, their foreheads together help not focus on the pounding in his head. ]

[ Maybe art does imitate life. Or life imitates art. Or both. But maybe the truth of it all is that Alan never really believed in a happy ending. Who knows how things would have gone with him and Alice if they'd never encountered the horrors of the Dark Place? He can't see how any of that would have ended. Would he have gotten past his writer's block and things would have settled down between them? That's something he doesn't have the answer to, and he probably never will.

Jesse's thoughts about Alan's own feelings relating to his family aren't too far from the mark. He's just never really spent much time thinking about them, because there are some paths he just doesn't want to go down. Maybe it's easier to not think about the difficult things from the past. Or maybe it's not easier at all, when the present comes with its own share of difficulties.

But Alan knows he's going to get nowhere thinking about things that ultimately have no chance of resolution. Instead, he focuses on Jesse's words, trying to take them in and learn from them, because there's so much about what's really going on that he barely understands. ]

So... so this didn't start when I came here. It was always something lurking beneath the surface, in the lake, the people... [ Maybe he had had some idea of that before, but it hadn't really registered or sunk in. Maybe he'd been dragged in long before he ever thought about diving into the waters of Cauldron Lake. Did it all start with the cabin that shouldn't have been there? Maybe.

Alan shakes his head. He doesn't like the knowledge that someone else could have potentially been pulled into this mess. It's bad enough that he got caught up in all of it, but nothing about this is anything anyone deserves. ]

I wish there was a way to get rid of it completely, so no one else gets pulled in without realizing what's going on. If all of this comes from this place, originating from the lake... [ What? Drain the lake? Would that make it worse? I don't know how to stop this. Jesse and the FBC might, but maybe they don't know either. Does anyone really know how to deal with this?

He almost didn't ask the question that's been on his mind. He just wanted to have this moment with Jesse, to just let go of everything that's not the two of them. But it seems that his mind just doesn't know when to shut up. She pushes herself into a sitting position, and he's quick to put his arms around her to offer more support.

He's too aware of her: of her hips resting against his, of her hands on his face. The way she breathes. How the sun hits her hair and almost makes it glow. She's beautiful. He knows that, and he's reminded of it almost all the time. ]

I don't think you're weird. The rest of the world might, but who needs them? When it's just the two of us, can't it just be us? [ And if the world labels them both weird, then, well... that's just how it is. Alan knows he's not like everyone else either. Maybe even before all of this started, he was just a step out of touch with the world and with people.

Maybe the Dark Presence just widened that gap and made the separation bigger. ]

Yeah. Yeah, I'd want you. I can't imagine anything else. [ A part of me doesn't want anything else. I wish that we could just have that normal life. Maybe we can, but it'll have to be normal on our terms. We decide how that looks, how it works for us. Yeah, I like that idea. ]

That would be more than okay.

[ Shivers form at the base of his spine and travel upwards as she touches him. All she has to do is touch him anywhere, and he becomes little better than putty in her hands to do with what she wants. And he doesn't mind that. He doesn't resist.

He wants to return the favor; he wants to let his hands travel anywhere they can reach. He wants to pull off both of their clothes so nothing is between them. So far, he's tried to resist that building urge, but it's growing harder to do with how she's touching him.

Slowly, almost like he's testing something, he reaches for the strap of her tank top and slides it down over her shoulder. If she encourages the action, he might go farther, but he waits to see what she does next. ]

[ She shakes her head by just a hair and immediately regrets the motion. Her hands curl slightly at the tinge of pain that travels through her. ] The Buearu documented the AWEs with the Old Gods of Asgard, and Zane. There's local legends too--that go back further than the people who settled Bright Falls. It's not just you, Alan. It's been going on much longer. I just don't know how much longer.

We'd have to somehow permanently close the Threshold. But, that doesn't mean it wouldn't open up somewhere else. We just don't know enough. We have a research facility, the Lake House. But it's gone... [ a look of annoyance crosses her face. She doesn't want to say dark because of the circumstances. Everything is going dark. ] It's out of contact with even Estevez, and has been for a while. I found documents reaching back from 2017 about it... that's the other reason I came here with Steve. But, the AWE is a bit more of a priority.

[ The corners of her mouth pull in a semi-amused way. Alan would say it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. She'd think it too, if she didn't know deep down how weird she is. Even in the Bureau she's the weird one. No other Director can do what she's been able to do. She's unique out of the unique ones and sometimes that's even more alienating than the normal world. ]

Yeah, we can be just us. [ « Well, you know, three, I guess. It's not like I can ever really block you out now. Maybe he won't notice it. » ] With all our weirdness being our normal.

[ The tugging smile becomes a real one when he says he'd want her no matter the circumstances. Something inside her reacts to it--something that belongs to Jesse and not Polaris or their shared relationship. She never thought she'd be wanted for herself ... and it's oddly touching. Touching in a way she can't describe.

He slips the strap off her shoulder. Her forehead presses to his, demanding he look at her. How does she have to put it for him to understand she wants him? Not just intimately, but emotionally. Sharing a life with him. Her words aren't clear enough and he doesn't seem to understand her language of moving either.

Her head tilts back--which she also regrets--with a purpose in mind. She moves her hands off him in order to pull her tank top off and tossing it somewhere behind her. She's still in her bra and pants, which is oddly reminiscent of something else. Her attention doesn't stay on it though. Lips press against his for another kiss, but slow and methodical, teasing and also inviting. ]

[ Alan's expression darkens then as every dark thought he's had comes back to the forefront of his mind in response to Jesse's words. ]

If it's been going on for that long, from even before Bright Falls was even on my radar, then why does everything feel like it's my fault? I don't mean that to sound like I'm making it all about me, that I'm being self-absorbed. All this horror, all these problems, they started with me. The problems that are happening now. Those are my fault.

[ He shakes his head, and although it makes his head hurt, he knows it's nothing like what Jesse's dealing with. ]

So asking you how to do that is pointless. [ What does it take to close a threshold? How do I close this one for good? This has to end; it needs to end permanently, so no one else dies or gets hurt. I know this is my fault. I'm done pretending. Was I ever pretending? I don't think so, but I'm sure some people out there think I'm dodging accepting responsibility. I'm not. I won't. ]

Good. That's what I want, more than anything. [ But to get what I want, I have to solve this. But how?

Maybe his hesitation makes no sense. Jesse's all but handing permission over to him on a silver platter, and still he hesitates. He wants her. She wants him. But he's hesitant. Scared, even. Why? Of what?

She's pulling off her tank top then, and kissing him slowly in a way that drives his senses insane. Not the kind of insanity of the Dark Place, but the kind that turns the dial up to 11. Desire, passion, longing- these are all things Alan feels. He wants to give into them and stop holding back.

This time, he rocks against her again; hard, but not uncomfortably so. There's force behind his movements, but he's doing his best to not be harsh. Maybe force isn't the right word. Speed? Urgency? He wants to feel her; he wants to take her to that place of ecstasy that takes some effort to reach. Or maybe it's really effortless in the end. Either way, it's worth it. ]

[ The look in her eyes softens. ] Because it's used you twice to get out, hasn't it? Made you write a story to set it free twice. It's used you, your power, your mind to do it. You are going to feel responsible. [ Her gaze flicks down and her eyebrows knit together. ] Ordinary was my fault. They used the projector how they wanted... but... the Buearu got the Slide Projector because of me. Dylan was taken because of me. The Hiss got to Trench because I led them to the Slide Projector. They found Hedron because I couldn't burn the slide that took me to where I met Hedron.

It doesn't matter if I was a kid. If I hadn't shown them it, the Hiss wouldn't have come through. [ Her forehead presses to his and she rocks against him again. ] Our screw ups have cost a lot of people. All we can do is try to make it better and fix it. Help avoid it in the future.

I never said it was pointless, Alan. Thresholds manifest by dimensions coming in contact with ours. Closing them is usually by stopping something at the source. The story this time. But, how do you keep an artist in the future from coming to the Lake? How do we break the connection to the Lake and the Dark Place? Maybe the Lake House team knows.

[ « What if none of that made any sense? Does he remember anything from the Motel, now that he's out? Does he remember anything I said about Ordinary? Is it better if he doesn't remember it? »

She nods again. Everything in her tells her to go, to move, to be his. But, everytime she moves her head she feels a spike of pain through her whole body and the pounding gets worse. She doesn't want to stop though. She wants be with Alan again. How long has it been...? ]

Then, let's do it. [ Her breathing deepens. ] I gave you the key, didn't I? The apartment is yours now too. I'll set up that extra room as a den--you can write or whatever you want to do now there. Everything else is big enough for two.

Two people and all their weirdness.

[ A gasp comes from her as he rocks in return. Not one of shock or pain, even if it should have set the pounding in her head off. No, this is desire, and she melts against him as she feels him. Has she ever wanted someone this much? It doesn't feel like it.

Her hands trail down his arms again to his elbows. The kiss breaks only so she can brush against his lips and press her hips to his. Down on top of him. The hesitation makes no sense. They want each other. So, what is she doing wrong? ]

I missed you. [ « Letting go means being honest. Right? Holding nothing back. What is he going to think? » ] I missed you as you. Alan Wake. The one who reached out to me on the Hotline. The thing only dead people or entities from other places can reach. The real Alan Wake, whose like me and sees the same world I do.

[ Her voice lowers. It softens. Part of her wants to keep all of this inside. Secret, hidden, protected. ] I've tried for so long to help you wake up... be here with me again. Now you are. We're here together again. A different Motel, but, us... just us. Alan and Jesse.

[ Fingers glide down his arms to his hands. They curl around the wrists and bring them up her back. Jesse shivers against him, another gasp coming from her, before settling his hands against the back of her bra. She rocks against him again and brushes her lips along his. ]

Let's just be us. No world ending situations. No crazy story. Not right now. [ Her head tilts as she tilts to kiss his cheek and adjust her hips against his. ] Do you remember? Or, do I need to wake the memories up?

Edited 2023-12-09 04:02 (UTC)

Twice. Yeah. Too many times for my liking. It has to stop sometime. I don't want it using me anymore, using me to hurt people. To kill them. I- You know I don't want anyone to die. [ I hate this story. It's not anything I'd ever write. I write crime novels, but I'd never kill anyone.

His own gaze turns downward as his guilt rises. ] I don't know if I ever asked you. How do you deal with it? The guilt. The responsibility. Knowing it's your fault. I know what I'd do.

[ I'd run myself into the ground trying to fix it. Trying to fix what I did. Trying to get people to see that I'm trying to do something. But it's never enough, is it? It doesn't feel like enough. How much do you have to give until people believe you're doing everything you can to make up for your screw-ups?

At least I think I got a few points in with the FBC, but- What about everyone else? Saga? Her family? ]

I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying to make it better. But even I can see that it looks like I'm not doing anything. Maybe some people even think I'm just letting it get worse. Letting the Dark Presence in on purpose. I'm not. I wouldn't.

[ I'm not a bad person. I'm not trying to hurt people.

His agitation is growing again as his doubts and fears start to rise. A look of horror settles into his eyes at the mere thought of another artist, unsuspecting or otherwise, coming to the lake. ]

This can't happen again. There has to be something we can do. [ He can't help the feeling of horror, of being haunted by the thought of another person being dragged into this hell. ]

If only there was a way to limit it. To keep anyone else from being dragged in. [ He rolls his eyes at himself. ]

I know it's not like that. It doesn't affect just one person at a time. That would be too easy.

[ God, I hate this. I hate how this has a ripple effect, growing bigger and bigger until it's too late to catch up. What if I'm too late? ]

I want that: I want to come to your apartment and just be there. Writing. Editing. Whatever. I want to be there with you.

[ I want to be anywhere but here. But that's not going to happen anytime soon. I wish it could. It can't. ]

Let me just ask one more time. [ He rocks against her again, harder and faster. ] If you take everything away, if you take away the fact that we're two people with all the weirdness in the world- why do you love me? Would you feel the same if I couldn't reach you on the Hotline?

[ She keeps on talking, and he keeps on listening, and when she places his hands against the back of her bra, they stay there for a moment. But after another moment, his right hand slips back around to the front of her, and with just his fingertips, he ghosts them along her chest, moving downward in purposeful, slow motions. ]

I like the idea of just being us. Just you and me. [ He waits for her to kiss his cheek, and then he returns the kiss by pressing his lips against hers. ]

I remember. They're awake. I'm awake. [ He kisses her again, deeper this time, if that's possible. ]

But... you could just talk. Just talk, and I'd listen. I'll always listen.

[ If I'm awake, I'll always listen to her. And maybe if I'm not awake, I'll still find a way to hear her. ]

I know. Fiction isn't reality and there's a difference in the two. You're not cruel, even if you can be an asshole. You wouldn't write something like this. [ Jesse feels she may sound like an echo chamber, but it's not her intention. She believes everything she says. Alan may be an asshole, he may have a mean streak, but she can't imagine he'd willingly torture real people like this horror story is doing. No one else may see it past their anger at him, but she does. Because she knows what it's like.] I ran away from it for a long time. I didn't see it was my fault because I was a kid... but it still is to some degree. If I hadn't led them to the Slide Projector, maybe the Hiss would have never shown up. If I hadn't run away scared on my own, Dylan wouldn't have grown up by himself in the Bureau. Everyone involved made their choices, but those were my choices to make up for.

I guess all we can do is move forward and try to make amends. Keep the same mistake from happening again. These forces would use someone else if they didn't use us.

[ She nods to his resolve. They can't always keep people away from Cauldron Lake. That's why they have the monitoring stations, fences, and teams on site. In case someone else has the fate of Zane, Alan or the Anderson Brothers. The Dark Presence is relentless and won't stop, but, they can do their best to be prepared.

He rocks against her and she gasps again. Her head tilts back despite how much the inside of her head doesn't want to move. He keeps asking her questions and talking when she wants to do anything but that. Not because she wants to ignore him, or hide from answering, but because she's already let go and wants to just be with him. Alan, though, doesn't seem to be at the same place just yet.

Her hands move back up his arms to cradle his head as his fingers draw down her chest. Jesse shivers in his arms, rocking against him again as a pleased moan comes from her. She can feel him despite the clothing, and feel how his calloused fingers tease her.

« And he says he's bad at romance. » ]

You believe me. [ Her answer finally comes in a short breathless sentence, practically melting in his hold. She presses against him to communicate he can do whatever he wants and she'll do it. ] When you ask questions it's to understand. Not judge me. You believe me. No one else like this did. Not even people in the Bureau fully understand. [ She rocks again and brushes her lips to his. ] You understand me even if I can't use words like you do. Even though I'm not an artist. I don't care if you're famous. You gave me as chance as me.

I can't--I can't put the weird aside. It's apart of me too much. [ She presses her forehead to his. Her darkened green eyes close at the feel of his fingertips again. ] I've never had a normal life like you did. It... it means a lot to have someone who had a normal life even listen.

[ The answer isn't what he's looking for. At least, she doesn't think it is. ] You care even if you act like you don't. That matters to people like me... and you're really good at kissing.

[ She smiles against his lips to try and underline the humor in the last statement. A deep sigh is against his mouth at his kiss. She would almost feel like she's floating if he wasn't grounding her with his arms. ]

You have a key to the apartment, it means it's your home too. Us in our apartment. If I talk, and you listen, I want to hear your stories.

[ It's something he's struggling with: trying to hold onto who he is and how he thinks and acts when the story is all darkness and horror and cruelty. But for reasons he hasn't allowed himself to think too long about, hearing Jesse's belief in him and belief in the fact that he just wouldn't write a story like this touches him unexpectedly. ]

I always wanted to be a writer. I loved writing. [ Do I still love writing even now? ] Thinking up plots, stories, characters... it was something I enjoyed. Maybe I wasn't good at it, but I loved it. But after this, I don't know if I can write anymore.

[ He silences as he listens to her talking. He talks so much, sometimes all he wants to do is listen and not say anything. ] What was it that you said to me once? That you would have had to deal with Hartman eventually? Maybe it's the same with the Hiss. Maybe they would have found a way in with or without you finding the Slide Projector. If there's anything that I've learned at all, it's that things have a way of happening with or without our involvement.

Maybe the Hiss coming is one of those things. I know that doesn't help or make it easier, because... [ Knowing that hasn't helped me feel better about any of this.

Her words sink in, and it's all that he needs to hear. He doesn't need to say anymore, although there are things he could say. He talks, and then he talks more, and he's tired of talking. Even if he doesn't like it when he stops talking and the silence starts to become deafening, right now, he doesn't want to talk.

His right hand that's at her chest moves further, fingers sliding beneath the bra in what feels like a bold move, or at least, the boldest one he's attempted this time. He wants to do more too, but it's about building up to it. And they're still wearing entirely too many clothes. ]

OCEANVIEW II

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