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synthneon2023-11-01 01:57 am
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-11-01 01:57 am
oceanview || ❝ i must guide my love through the night. ❞
I cannot feel her by my side
Even in this placе inside my mind
no subject
« I guess we should ask how these rules of this story work. Or, at least, what counts for rules if there are any. Especially if it's going to fight us every step of the way. Maybe it's more accurate to say we're fighting it? Alan said he fought it just to put us back into it.. »
Hey... sleepyhead.
Her attention immediate snaps up from her thoughts to the sound of his voice. They let him stay with her? What did Alan do to impress so much on Estevez? Steve isn't here, which means something else needed him. Something serious. That part of her that just drives to be the Director screams that she needs to know what is going on with her people. But, the rest of her just feels tired.
« Sleepyhead? Really? »
A smile tugs at the corner of her lips before her green eyes move over to him. Her head leans back slightly, as if trying to look better than she feels. ]
Hey.
[ Her hands settle between her legs again.
« How am I feeling? Everything feels heavy and I have the most annoying pulsing headache. Also... vertigo? Yeah. It's hard to sit up right. » ]
Peachy. [ A playful look enters her eyes, even if she does look exhausted. Weighed down by a pain she really couldn't describe properly. ] Just peachy.
[ Jesse's gaze drops to look him over. First, she notes how far away he is, and that's definitely going to have to change. Sweatpants... oh, he was in the shower. Good, because she would of told him to take one to get everything off him. Mud, dirt, sweat, blood. She still needs to ask about the blood too. God, there's too much, and all she wants to do is be with him for now.
Be them.
She notes the large bruise on his side. Her eyebrows knit slightly. When did he get that? It could of been when the Cult jumped the Lodge, or last night during their skirmish with the Taken. That doesn't even count in the fact he probably hasn't eaten--wasn't he asleep before?
Oh, God. Did all that in the Sheriff's Station wake him up?
« Right. That decides that. We only have so much time to rest before... whatever the hell is coming next. Everything else we can go over while we do that. Talk and be us at the same time. I think we can manage that. »
Jesse raises her hand as best she can and stretches it out towards him.
An invitation. ]
I'm guessing you're still peachy too. [ She nods her head to the side as best as she can. Laying back down sounds really good right now. ] Clean and peachy.
[ « That... sounded better in my head. Which might not be the best measurement of choices at the moment. » ]
It looks like we have a few hours to ourselves. So... may as well make the best of it. [ She hesitates for a brief moment, more out of shyness than anything. Which is probably the stupidest thing for her to feel when they've slept together. Well, did--didn't? Doesn't matter. ] Come on. Let's just lay down for a bit. Okay?
no subject
The slight boost to his confidence that he received when Estevez, of all people, extended a small olive branch in the form of surprise at how well he'd done during the long fight with the Taken has faded somewhat in the aftermath of Jesse's collapse. Instead of confidence, there's uncertainty and doubt; not doubt in Jesse or what she can do, but doubt in himself. But she doesn't need to know that any more than she needs to see that in him.
So he just chooses to offer smiles and try to be as reassuring as he can. And in all honesty, seeing her sitting up and hearing her talk to him is really all the reassurance he needs.
The relief he feels at seeing her, even though she is clearly tired and absolutely still needing recovery, is almost enough to make him forget his own exhaustion. It's bound to catch up to him, but for now, all he can feel is relief. ]
That makes two of us, then. [ What do you call a can of peaches that only has two peaches in it? That sounds like a bad joke. But it might make her laugh. I'll save it for later, though. ]
Do you need me to get you anything? [ His eyes travel to her hand that's outstretched. Inviting him to step closer. If only he could shake off the lingering fear of causing her harm if he gets too close. Maybe just holding her hand won't do anything. Maybe. God, I hope it doesn't.
He slowly extends his own hand, carefully twining his fingers with hers, bracing himself for a repeat of what happened in the sheriff's station. But nothing seems to happen, and so he lets out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding in. ]
I forgot what a real shower felt like. [ He admits that readily enough, feeling a little proud that he managed to do something as normal as shower without spiraling out again. ] But yeah, I'm great. Clean, peachy... great.
[ I'm worried as hell, but she doesn't need to know that. ]
Are you sure that it's okay? You- you've been through a lot in not a lot of time. [ I've been through a lot in too much time. I think. I guess we make a pair. ]
I told that agent- Estevez... I told her I'd look after you.
[ It's only in his imagination, but he pictures Estevez frowning with disapproval at the notion of Alan sliding next to Jesse and sharing the bed, when she's supposed to be resting under his watch. ]
no subject
« Well, we just need to help him remember. Don't we? »
Polaris shimmers.
Her fingers twine around his. She gives a small tug for him to come closer. He's too far away--not just physically. He isn't drifting and drowning in his own mind, but, Jesse wants that connection. Maybe now really shouldn't be the time, but, they weren't able to reconnect the previous night. Not in the way she wants as her heart pounds.
« I should tell him. So he knows the words and not just knowing it. I hope he won't turn away and leave if I do. What if he does? » ]
I'm fine. I've been through something worse. [ At least, in her mind, the Hiss burrowing in was worse. She's not sure she should tell him that. ] Polaris is fine too. I'd say "upset" if she used our emotions. Agitated, I guess. But, fine.
Well, you can watch over me here. In the bed. [ She says it as if it's obvious. He needs to rest too--maybe more than her. ] Neither of us can really fight tonight like this. So, we need to take what rest we can.
[ Her eyes flick down to the bruise on his side as if to demonstrate her point. Then, she's moving as best she can. Pulling back the blankets and sheets, sliding over for him to join her. She picks the side she does so he can lay on the side that isn't injured. Or, on his back, depending on what he wants.
Then, she slowly eases herself down. Her shoulder instantly relax the moment she feels the mattress. It's not as good as the one at home, but it's better than sleeping in the Sheriff's Station.
She pauses for a moment before bridging the gap between them. Timid, unsure, shy. Jesse doesn't like that any of those words describe her as she tries to seem natural about lowering her head to his shoulder. He hadn't made her awkward or unsure of it. It's just... her. How she is.
« He'll want to know what happened, won't he? It's not what I want to tell him. But, I guess, you can't just spring that on a person. I've... never told someone it. He's proposed and been married before. Not me. »
Jesse looks back up at him. Her fingers in his hand brush along his. Everything suddenly feels awkward to her, as if she's trying to understand what is okay and what isn't again. It didn't feel like this last night. Has she screwed up? Is she over thinking it? Is it just the fact she feels like there's mud in her head? ]
Polaris felt someone was trying to get in. Not in the same way the Hotline works. But... forcing their way in past defenses. Trying to dig in. [ She glances to the side as it obviously bristles against her own defenses. She doesn't let people in usually. There are walls and walls. Alan is one of the few she lowers those for. ] She... tried to drown them out--push them away. But, it was overwhelming. Like ... someone turning a dial up to twenty when it's only supposed to be ten. It triggered...
[ « Oh, shit. He doesn't know about the Board. Only you. Well... let's hope it's not too weird for him. » ]
The Director is chosen by ... a being--beings, maybe--known as the Board. They're the ones allow access to the Hotline... and my gun. Whatever this person was doing? They felt it was a hostile transmission through the Hotline. Threatened to take over and eliminate the threat if I didn't.
[ She looks down with a frown and gently shakes her head. It's obvious she's still missing pieces. Was it really Agent Saga Anderson? ]
no subject
You're not there. You're here, you're out. You're OUT.
He feels her tugging at his fingers and he instantly leans into that touch, allowing himself to finally take a step forward, and then another until he's at the side of the bed. He doesn't want to drown; he doesn't want the waves to come back in and pull him out with them. He wants the connection between them again, and he's all too willing to open himself up to it. ]
Something worse? [ His expression sobers, and a sort of darkness falls over his eyes for a moment. He only has his frame of reference, but in his mind, "something worse" usually means something wild and feral, tearing at you and pulling away pieces of you until nothing's left. He hopes that's not the kind of "something worse" Jesse means. ]
You're really both all right? Whatever happened, it's- has that happened to you before?
[ He's grasping at what he can, trying to understand. Trying to take what he can learn to use it, in hopes that maybe someone can use the information to stop this from happening again. It probably won't be him. It'll most likely be Jesse herself, or Steve. Or Estevez. They have more experience than he does. He's just a man groping blindly in the dark and trying to make sense of it all. ]
All right. If you're sure. [ He'd be lying if he said he didn't want to join her in the bed. His own need for rest is pulling at his mind and his body but he's been pushing it away in the interest of being there for her. And, of course, the bruise on his side chooses that moment to twinge as if reminding him he hasn't come through it all unscathed either.
But in this moment, his well-being isn't at the forefront of his mind. No, he's focused on her and what she needs, and he watches closely as she moves to one side of the bed, moving the blankets and sheets so that he can get in next to her. It seems clear enough that she won't accept anything but him joining her in the bed, so he finally slides in beside her wincing briefly as he tries to position himself in a way that makes his bruised side hurt less.
In the end, he ends up lying down so that he's on his back but as close to her as he dares to get. He's close enough that she can rest her head against his shoulder, an action that makes him smile. Only then does he slide in a fraction closer, because he realizes he doesn't want there to be space between them. He doesn't want to jar her unnecessarily, as that only makes his side ache more, but he just wants to be with her. Touching her.
Finally, once he's satisfied with where he's positioned, he looks at her, worry still plain in his eyes. His fingers curl against hers, wanting to hold her hand tightly but still gently. ]
I know. Saga tried to reach me too, probably after it didn't work with you. [ But Saga's intrusion didn't affect him the same way. He knows it didn't, and it bothers him that the FBI agent is responsible for Jesse being down for the count. ]
I- Did it feel like that when I tried to reach you? [ She's never said that it did, and he remembers saying that Polaris didn't flare up in defense, but now he wonders. Was that really the way it went? Did Polaris react and he didn't realize it?
But then his smile fades and a look of confusion crosses his face. ]
The Board? I've never heard of them. Of course, why would I? I'm guessing most people don't know a thing about them. Wait. Wait.
[ No. I do know something. Maybe not anything concrete. Maybe nothing that makes sense, but- ]
I know this. There was a threat. And- and... [ Alan's voice shakes and he feels himself start to shake too. ] I changed it.
[ "No. No, you're not doing that to her. I- I refuse to accept it. I have to change the story. This can't be the story! I promised her I'd..."
The words echo in Alan's mind and his frown deepens as snippets of memories enter and exit his mind and he tries to turn those snippets into something whole. But first things first, he has one thing he has to say before he gets too distracted and forgets about it. ]
Jesse, I'm sorry. [ He's apologized before, but now it feels different. ] I'm sorry that I brought you into this.
no subject
Should she tell him? What will his reaction be? Will he just find a way to blame himself? It wasn't his fault. Not even this is his fault. But, somehow, Alan finds a way to blame himself for everything wrong around him. Why? Did someone always tell him that? Or, is it because of the Dark Place? Has it wormed into his mind so much he thinks he's screwed up everything?
He almost screwed up with them. Almost. He's fixed it now, so in her mind, he's redeemed it. Made good on his promise. Proven she can trust him even with something that deeply important to her. Maybe he doesn't remember the conversation about Ordinary and what happened to her--but he remembered them. That's what matters the most at the moment.
« Saga. So, it was Anderson. Why? What was she... is it just because I wouldn't tell her where Alan is? She's that unhinged? » ]
No, it didn't. [ Her answer is immediate to his question. ] Polaris didn't do anything to stop it or reject it. It was just... like any other Hotline message. With the extra tug of reality. Maybe strained and feeling far away, but, I figured that was because of the Dark Place.
[ He begins to shake and her hand immediately tightens around his. Just in case he starts to dip below the waves. So, that was what he changed. That exact moment in time. Something really would have happened--something terrible. Maybe it was Saga that would have died. Maybe it was her. Maybe both? Whatever the outcome would have been, she can tell it truly did frighten Alan.
How many things has he seen in the Dark Place that he'll never describe? ]
Would things be any better if I wasn't here? [ Jesse shakes her head slightly. Maybe it's her own self-indulgence, but, she feels things would be much, much worse. ] It's fine, Alan. Somethings are worth seeing the nightmares in the world.
[ Her gaze drops to their entwined hands. She likes it--more than she should. She never thought there'd be someone she could connect to like this. It was a thought and a dream at one point. Finding someone she could be herself with. Not that it ever lasted long... until the point she just gave up. Dylan was more important; finding him was consuming. What else did she have in her life?
Now she has the Bureau. Purpose, direction, Polaris with her. And... Alan, if he'd accept the notion. ]
Like the sound of poison gas leaking in. Invading, hissing.
[ She blinks a few times at the memory of it happening. It had to happen. Hedron couldn't keep the Hiss at bay--not the way Jesse could. That still doesn't remove the trauma of it all. The horror of losing herself beneath waves and waves of thoughts and feelings. Having parts of her pulled up and dissolving in order to make her one of them. ]
There was ... a point when the Hiss overwhelmed everything in the Oldest House. They killed something called Hedron. The... she was what I am for Polaris now. When she died... it all came crashing down. The Hiss spread everywhere, into everyone. [ « Even me. » ] It was horror. Making you succumb to it's insistent, unstoppable, tune that you couldn't get out of your head. Forcing you to break--making you one of them. Going around, and around, and around in your own head... turning your worst parts of yourself into you... until it seemed like they were the better option. That being part of them made you feel free and home.
[ Her jaw sets to the side as her own hand shakes then. ]
Whatever Anderson was trying to do that set off Polaris and the Board? It hurt. But it was nothing like that hell.
no subject
What is she thinking? Alan can venture guesses, but while he can sometimes manage to read Jesse and her body language, there are other times when he hasn't a clue. His mind that is always far too active is spinning into overdrive, wondering what might be going through her head. Does she blame him somehow? Saga wanted to find him, but she went for Jesse first. That unwanted, unasked for intrusion is what set all of this off.
Is this my fault? He sighs in relief, at least a little, when Jesse quickly silences his worries about how it might have felt when he reached out to her, when she received his transmissions through the Hotline. If there had even been a chance that he caused harm to her and Polaris through those messages, well- he'd find it even harder to live with himself.
As it is, fear has Alan in its clutches again. Fear because of a memory that's surfaced, even though it's fragmented and vague and he's only seeing pieces of it. They died. The... the Board? They killed them. Why did it kill both of them? I don't- I can't remember. All I remember is changing it. I had to change it, to keep my promise. You can't keep a promise to someone if they're dead. Shit.
Instinctively, automatically, he responds to Jesse's tightening hold on his hand. She's alive, and he doesn't need to slip beneath the waves, not now. Everything's all right, or it will be. Until the next horror arises. But for now, for however long they have, they're all right. Safe. Together. It's enough.
But Jesse speaks again, and Alan's focus pulls immediately back to her. ]
No, they wouldn't be, but maybe you wouldn't be caught up in this mess. Maybe you'd be safe. Safer than you are here. I know this is my fault. I'm trying to fix it. [ The words sound automatic, like he's saying them by rote memorization. Maybe he is. People like Saga seem to keep coming at him demanding he fix what he's done. He's trying. He's trying as hard as he can.
But he silences again as she goes on talking. Talking about something that seems to have been from her past, but maybe not the too distant past? It's hard to tell. ]
The Hiss... The Hiss. [ A thought or a memory rises in Alan's mind then, and words form unbidden: You came and we let you in through the hole in you. A poem. Words from a shoebox. A chant, or something like it. ]
They got in. Or they already were in. [ Alan feels his expression shifting, a look of horror taking his face. How many times has he worn a look like that? It might as well be his face at this point. Is everything everywhere just a horror story? Is that all the world is, whether inside reality or out of it? Or in a different reality, in Alan's case?
I thought that maybe there was a chance that the world was going on normally outside the Dark Place. The world keeps turning, people keep going to work, having families, living their lives. Was I wrong? There's always an undercurrent of horror. Evil, dark forces always working where people can't see them, unless they know to look. And most people don't know to look. Is that good or bad?
... I was wrong.
The egg cracks and the truth will emerge out of you. You are home.
Alan feels Jesse's hand begin to shake and that feeling is what pulls him out of his thoughts, away from the horror that's seemingly washing over him again. His fingers curl against hers, tightening against them, hoping his touch reassures her in return. It might be a meaningless gesture when stacked against something as horrifying as the Hiss, but he does it anyway. ]
I didn't- I didn't know. [ And now that he does, he can't forget it. Doesn't want to forget it, even if the thought of it makes him want to run screaming. There's no running, not anymore. Not for him. There's only staying and fighting back. That's the only way to move forward, to grasp that ending that they're all striving for, whether they realize it or not. ]
I didn't know how bad it was. How bad it is.
[ He pauses. ]
The darkness really is everywhere, isn't it? [ It's not just the Dark Place. Not just the Dark Presence. And for the first time, Alan's realizing just how high the odds are stacked against all of them. It might seem like useless nuance, but they're all in this fight now, not just him. Would Jesse, Saga, the FBC, and everyone else who's been roped in be involved if not for him? It's hard for him to tell. But they're in, they're involved, and he has to keep fighting to one day put an end to all of this. ]
no subject
« If you have these powers you can't just screw around with them like this. They're not TOYS. They're not just TOOLS to use. Using them has consequences for everyone involved. Obviously, she has no idea what these powers can do. I doubt she'd want to hear the lecture from anyone in the Bureau either. Still, we have to work together to stop this. There's no other way to beat this horror story.
Even if part of me just wants to react and make her feel what I did. That won't do any of us good. She won't learn or listen from that. She's stubborn, just like the rest of us. »
Her hand tightens around his in response. ]
People would be caught up in this mess. Estevez has been here longer than I've been the Director. Somehow, someway, we all have ties to this story, Alan. There's no point in apologizing for dragging each of us into it. There's better ways to spend our time.
[ She pauses and a smile tries to find its way to her face. ] I know you are. No one else may realize how hard you're trying to fix this--change it to what it's supposed to be.
[ Her gaze returns to him as she watches the emotions flick across his face. She's not a mindreader and can't tell what he's thinking. All she knows for sure is that his mind is going places and putting something together. Some sort of realization she's not privy to. Maybe it's something in his mind that he puts things together with. A board, a wall, something that puts all his thoughts out in one place.
He is a writer after all.
« He really does blame himself for everything wrong. Doesn't he? »
Jesse pushes herself up with the arm she's laying on. She leans over him, enough so the red hair that frames her face falls over her shoulders to brisk along his. Green eyes latch immediately onto his gray ones as they move back to her. An undercurrent of vulnerability is present in her own gaze, but also that subtle determination to continue guiding him out of the waves when they come for him. ]
How could you know how bad it is? You've been trapped in another dimension for thirteen years. A dimension even I don't really understand.
Hey, [ Jesse presses her forehead to his, demanding his whole attention be on her, ] I don't expect you to know. I don't even expect you to understand, because maybe I'm too crazy for you to understand. That's fine. All I ask is that you listen and you don't run away from it. Okay?
[ « Don't leave and close the door like everyone else. » ]
There's always dark and light. Right? Sometimes it's just harder to see the light when everything seems dark. [ Or... something. Words and writing is his area, not hers. ] I don't think you can have the world be entirely one or the other. It's both.
[ She looks down briefly to center herself before looking back up at him. It doesn't matter to her that he's older than her. It doesn't matter that he's been trapped in a nightmare dimension and isn't even a normal definition of sane. It's not like she is either. At least he doesn't have an alien entity interwoven into his own matter or whatever level it is that she's connected to Polaris at now.
« I need to tell him. It can't wait for another loop or for when he finally does fix this. » ]
I didn't ask that you put us back into the story because I wanted to demand something from you. Or to control where the story is going or what it has to be.
[ She bites the inside of her lip for a moment. What if he jumps away the moment she says it? What if he's out the door? What if he brings up the fact that he's married and it's all been a horrible decision? What if he leaves?
Her shoulders square as that natural defensive wall tries to make itself known. This time, she pushes it down. He needs to know. No matter what his answer or reaction is. This is something he can't be kept in the dark about. ]
I asked because--I wanted to be with the man I love again. Here, in our reality. Home.
no subject
Even when everything seems lost, he just looks at her or thinks about her and feels his drive and determination return. Without her, he's just blindly trying to make his way through the darkness. With her, she's guiding him by the hand and doing what she can to show him the way. ]
It wouldn't be such a mess if I were different. Better. If I hadn't left the proverbial window open, letting him in. [ It's my fault! He got out. Scratch, with my face!
If he'd been more vigilant, if he'd been more careful, maybe Return wouldn't have ever been written. But spending time thinking about "maybes" won't get him anywhere. It won't help him fix the story. ]
I know you're right, but- What would this all look like if I wasn't a writer? Would it be better or worse? [ It's ultimately a pointless thought, but he wonders how things would be if he was a photographer like Alice or an artist drawing pictures. Not a filmmaker or a poet, because that's just asking for trouble. Isn't it? ]
Maybe if I had been something different, the collateral damage wouldn't be so great.
[ For just a second, a hint of the strain that Alan's had to shoulder as part of the process of trying to fix the story shows in his eyes. Stress lines form on his forehead as he sees pages from the manuscript spread out on a board or other flat surface. Arrows drawn between words and ideas go in all directions. Statements with question marks at the end of them are scrawled all over the board. Some words are scrawled out. Scratched out. The image of the board shifts and question marks written in Alan's hand cover the entirety of the surface.
What the hell? I really am losing it.
But as before, Jesse's movement catches his attention and pulls him out of the maze of his mind. She's pushed herself up with one arm, leaning over him. God, she's beautiful. ]
I just- I don't know how to explain it, but visions... images... things have reached me there before, sinking down to the bottom of- [ Of what? The lake? The ocean? What is it? Stop spiraling, Alan. Keep it together. ]
Why didn't I get a vision of that? I know I can't control what visions reach me, but you'd think something like that would manage to get through. Not that I could do anything about it, but- but maybe I could have. I- [ He's spinning out again, and he feels his desperation rising. He needs to make it stop. makeitstopmakeitstop- I just want to go home.
He startles when Jesse's forehead presses against his, but that startle response is enough to send the waves receding from him again. They're not going to drag him away this time. He draws a shaky breath, willing himself to calm back down again as he answers her. ]
You're crazy? If you're crazy, then I'm completely insane. I know, we've talked about this before. [ Haven't we? ] I'm not running. I'm listening. [ I'm still here. ]
Yeah. Yeah, there is. It just feels like the darkness is winning. But it hasn't won yet. Not yet. We're still-
[ He cuts himself off, because he's rambling and he knows it. She doesn't need to hear more of his crazy rambles. And he would rather listen to her than hear himself anyway.
His eyes lock on hers, because he senses that there is a point to all this: a point she's trying to drive home into his head, a head that's more spacey than it should be. Than it has any right to be. Pay attention. Wake up.
She's biting her lip, and he thinks he sees nervousness in her eyes. Or maybe that's just his own constantly nervous, panicked mind projecting things onto her.
But then it comes, and it takes Alan's breath away. He forgets to breathe for a second, then five seconds, then ten...
I wanted to be with the man I love again.
He's frozen beside her, not breathing, not doing anything but feeling something welling up inside him: something he hasn't felt in who knows how long. Surprise? Wonder? Love? Shock? All of the above?
I'm the man she loves? I wanted to tell her that I love her, but I never expected to hear it from her, even after the way we found each other in the story. I don't know why, but I didn't think she'd ever say it.
Alan's free hand that isn't holding hers slides to cover his face. His breath hitches again just as shakily as before, and he feels something sliding down his face and soaking into his beard. Several somethings that he tries to hide behind his hand, hoping she doesn't see. Hoping she doesn't notice how her words have rocked him, touched something inside him that he wasn't prepared to feel. ]
no subject
If you weren't an artist then it would of picked someone else, right? The Dark Presence. It would have found someone else to... [ she pauses then, the old woman's voice coming to mind again from the previous night. ] To dream it into reality. What if it did find someone else? Someone else that couldn't fight it for thirteen years? Someone that couldn't have stopped it back in 2010.
You're always quick to beat yourself down and say all the worst things about yourself. You're an asshole, but, how many assholes care enough to keep an alien nightmareish entity out of our reality this long? You did what you wanted to do the most, right? Save your wife. You could of stopped there but you didn't.
[ « I'm really, really not good at this. But, I'm trying. I just hope some of it helps. »
She tugs on his hand again.
« Stop it! Just stop it. You're not in the lake anymore. You're here, with us! » ]
Alan. [ Her tone is sharp to make his attention focus back on her. ] Stop, okay? Stop it. Not everything is your fault. What the Bureau went through? That was my fault. My mess to clean up. Not yours. It happened because of Ordinary... w-what we did in Ordinary as kids. The Hiss wasn't your fight.
You did your part. You got me to Hartman. You got me to where I could see what the Bureau was looking into at Bright Falls. You led me there and I handled it. Okay? You didn't need to do anything else. At all.
[ She smiles a little. ] We have... and we can settle on the fact we're both crazy. [ A gentle shake of her head, even as their foreheads touch. ] We're in a horror story. Of course it seems like the evil scary monster is going to be winning. But, you're right. That doesn't mean it's going to win.
[ Alan freezes and doesn't say anything. Jesse's eyes widen slightly as she immediately feels the doubts creep in. Maybe she shouldn't have said it at all. Maybe he doesn't feel exactly the same as she does. It'd make sense. He was dragged into this weird mess of realities and mind bending monsters. Why would he want to be more involved with a woman who is intertwined with one? A woman who had herself committed, who lost her entire family and town, and now works for the people who took her family...
Then, he moves his hand and covers his face.
Jesse glances down at the bed, then up at him again. She's not a rocket scientist, or hell even a scientist for the paranormal powers she possesses. Even then, she can tell that he's trying to hide his reaction. The instinctive reaction is to pull back and apologize for upsetting him. Maybe she shouldn't have said it after all. They're in a horror story. Romances don't end well in them usually, but, this is also Alan Wake. He can save the world if he can figure it out.
Her expression softens then as she realizes what's going on.
« How... how long has it been since someone has told him that? Not only that, but they believe in him? Trust him to do the right thing? Has it been longer than just the last thirteen years? »
She starts to lower herself back to the bed and adverts her eyes. The concept of privacy has probably gone out the window with the fact he's shirtless in bed with her, and she's just a tank top and bottoms, but, this is something he doesn't want her to see. She'll respect that however she can. ]
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That's just it, isn't it? Who decides? There's no one there to ask. [ Inside the Dark Place, he means. He huffs out a humorless laugh. ] Maybe that's why everything got so messed up. There's no one there but me, and well- does it look like I give good advice about anything? Otherwise, the Dark Presence decides, and that's not great either.
[ Alan sighs and it feels like it comes from somewhere deep inside him. Jesse's gotten him figured out. Not that it's difficult. Dad issues. Substance abuse issues at one point. Asshole. Not cut out for the fame machine. Anger issues. Big asshole. Ego the size of New York. Sometimes depressed. Huge asshole. MURDERER. You lost her. It's your fault. it's YOUR fault. IT'S YOUR FAULT.
It's his voice, but those thoughts don't belong to Alan. It's how the Dark Presence sounds when it's tearing at his mind, pulling at what's left of his willpower.
He doesn't respond, because what can he say? He's everything she says he is. Do his attempts to hold back the Dark Presence outweigh the bad things he's done? He doesn't say anything, just lets her words and the sound of her voice wash over him. He feels her tugging on his hand, and he tries valiantly to pull himself out of his own twisting thoughts.
It's a struggle as it always is, but he's trying. Trying to fight. Trying to swim up. He offers her a crooked sort of smile. ]
I'm supposed to be helping you. You're the one who got hit the hardest, and here I am making it about me. Again. Always. [ Isn't that how I lost Alice in the first place? ] I'm sorry.
The Hiss might not be my fault, but- [ So much is his fault, regardless of what Jesse says. The knowledge of it crushes him sometimes.
His fingers curl further, gripping his face tightly as tears continue to fall. Why tears? Why now, of all times? Is it because he hasn't heard anyone use the word "love" referring to him in years? Am I that desperate? Deprived? Trying to find the answer to explain it all doesn't stop them from flowing, continuing to soak his beard. But he's aware that Jesse is still beside him; he feels her lower herself back down to the bed, and he tries once again to pull himself together.
His hand lowers from his face, knowing he must look like a mess. But with watery eyes and all, he manages a small smile for her. He tries to catch his breath, but it comes out sounding like a hiccup. The sound of it makes him laugh even though it's not particularly funny. What a sight he must be right now, with red, watery eyes but a smile that's nothing but genuine. He scrubs at his eyes with his hand before he takes this chance to push himself up now from the bed, ignoring the protest from his bruised side. ]
You know something- [ His smile widens, and his gray eyes search for hers, hoping she looks at him. ]
I love you. I- I have for awhile now. [ More than awhile, through loops upon loops. Through mistakes he made thinking he could save her. Through so many twists and turns in the road. It's been a long road to get to this point. But now feels like the time to say it: now, before he loses his nerve or something stops him. ]
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But, they don't let that weakness win. ]
Okay, so. Things are messed up. They're screwed up. That doesn't mean it's impossible. You can fix this, Alan. Yeah, you need to. But you have to know you can in order to do that.
[ She presses her hand against his again. This won't work for much longer. How many times will the same trick to wake him up work? She's asked, told him, pressed him to come back. A simple hand in the water has now become her entire arm with the water pushing up to her shoulder. He doesn't need to know how far she has to go to reach him.
He may sink farther if he realizes how far she's needing to reach into the lake.
« He made me promise to stay out of the lake. How can I stay at the surface when he's so far down?! He just keeps sinking further and further. What if he sinks too far? »
『 He's coming. I've got to get out of here. Dive deeper. 』
« Is this what he meant when I saw him beyond the door in the Motel? Has he dived too deep into the lake? »
Jesse moves from her thoughts as he shifts. Her green eyes snap to his. ]
I think anything involving Cauldron Lake will be about you, Alan. Until this AWE is over and you can put it behind you. All of it. The Lake, the Dark Place... all of it.
[ The mess he looks like is different than normal. She'll take this look over the others. This is a normal look in a way. One that makes her feel that the real Alan Wake is still in there. The Dark Presence, Scratch, whatever it is hasn't taken him away entirely. ]
What? [ Her voice is small, intersecting the question between his pause.
Then, he says it.
Her eyes widen slightly. She's known it, of course, because why else would someone like Alan go as far with her as he has if he didn't? Despite what tabloids said, he isn't a playboy.
She gently leans forward again to rest her forehead to his. Hopefully he will rest back so his side doesn't act up. ]
Good. It would be ... well, if we got this far, and you didn't... [ She gives a small smile. ] Now what?
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His hand curls, almost clenching into a fist against hers as the realization settles in further. She's going to hate it. Hell, I hate it. But what more can I do?
He's also aware that her old method of bringing him back isn't going to work forever. The water is too deep, and he's going deeper. A hand in the water is fine. An arm going in up to the shoulder is less so. But anything more than that? Not happening. ]
I know that, but- you have to admit, I look pretty self-absorbed most of the time. [ It's not rare, exactly, but it's not an every day thing for Alan to be this blunt about himself and how he imagines people see him. ] Right now, it's not about me. You had the alien force in your head dialing up to 24, and it put you down for the count. That means you should be focusing on you.
[ I'm an asshole for turning the focus back on me. It's not supposed to be on me, not now. ]
Now what? [ He pretends to stop and think about that for a second, but really, there's only one thing he wants to do. With his forehead resting against hers, he leans in so that he can press his lips against hers in the deepest kiss he can manage. ]
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Not all heroes are the ones who save the day.
Alan needs to be saved. But, she can only do so much. He has to want to save himself. Maybe that's her other reason for being her. Except she gave herself that reason. She can be a goal for him to want to save himself. Stretching out her hand for him to realize it's not just endless nights.
Home is waiting for him if he only swims up and takes her hand. Let's her pull him out of the lake.
Even if she has to lean in head first to reach him. ]
Yeah, you can be. [ Her tone suggests it's obvious and she is more than aware of it. That doesn't really matter to her right now. ] But, you helped get me here, right? You're doing your part. And, you're the one one with the bruise. It's from last night, isn't it?
[ Jesse looks back down at his side. It can be about the both of them. She doesn't really like the spotlight shone on her. She's spent her whole life trying to be off the radar and unnoticed. Not always successful, as she's learned from the Prime Canidate Program, but it hadn't stopped her from trying.
« We're both down for the count. Mind helping me out? Keeping things away. Just for a few hours. We both need to eat, sleep... and then I need to talk to Anderson. »
Her attention shifts back to Alan as Polaris shimmers. His mouth is on hers and she instantly leans into the kiss. No hesitation, no worry, an immediate reaction. Her hand gently slips from his so she can rest it on the side of his face. His beard is wet from not only the shower, but, now she can touch him without feeling anything else. Fingers brush along until her hand slides to the back of his head and entangle in his longer hair.
He doesn't taste like the ocean, mud or dirt. Just him. ]
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But it's all so complicated in his head. He can't see the ending, can't see how he's supposed to get there. He thinks he can see the steps, the track laid out in front of him, but he can't see where it's going. Where will it end? Will he go home? Or will he get pushed back through the spiral door as if he never got through it at all? He does want to be saved, but he can't see how he'll ever make progress towards being saved.
Belief is hard when you don't know what you believe in anymore. ]
I just think that I should be doing more. [ That seems to be at the heart of it all. He's here to help her, but he's not sure what that looks like. ] It's fine. Yeah, it's from last night, but it's nothing.
[ It's not nothing. It hurts when he moves too quickly, breathes too rapidly... he suspects that the blow left broken bones, but he can't stand the thought of being looked at. Of being poked and prodded and examined. So he just tries to bear it and not think about it, because he's here for her. Estevez told him to look after her, and that's what he's going to do.
It's easier to just kiss her, losing himself in the feeling of her lips against his, of the taste of her... she doesn't wear chapstick or lipstick that he can tell, but how she tastes is unique. It's her. And it might be weird to even think about how she tastes, but- it's part of the experience. Part of being a writer, noting down every detail that he sees, feels, tastes... It's just how his mind works.
Kissing her distracts him from everything, from the problems he can't solve, the story he has to fight to write, the ache in his side... he just wants to hold her like this and kiss her until time runs out and they have to fall back into their respective roles again.
Why can't we just have this forever? ]
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[ « I have the feeling that it's not just nothing. »
She won't poke or prod, but, she'll suggest he get something for it. An ice pack--something. Once they've rested. Rest will help more than anything for the pair of them for the moment. She knows she's gone non-stop since they reached Bright Falls... and Alan probably hasn't had a real moment to just rest since he arrived from the Dark Place.
How did he get out?
Jesse falls in line with the kiss with a sense of ease and practice. Why shouldn't she? They've done it so many times already. The loop she can barely remember but knows exists... time in the Motel. Reality would say this should be their first time really together, but it's not true. Reality as people remember it tends to be not the most accurate thing as it is.
She has to break for air, but keeps her forehead to his and her lips close to his. If this is all they did for the rest of the afternoon? That would be fine with her. They haven't had the chance to reconnect on this level. Not just kissing and--other things--but as them. There's been moments, but the call to action interrupted both times the night before.
And he's been awake. Here. Home. ]
Thank you. [ She says it again, barely above a whisper, letting the sound move over him. He may not need to hear it once more. Still, she wants to make certain he understands how much it means to her. ] Welcome home, Alan.
[ She's welcomed him back already. The night before. Still, she wants to say it again now that it really is just the two of them. ]
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Yes, yes, I should. I should be getting you something to eat. Something to drink. Meds, if you need them. A change of clothes, maybe? I should be doing more to help you with whatever you need right now.
[ If Alan weren't lying down beside her, he knows he'd be up pacing around the room trying to think about everything she might need that he should try and find and bring back for her. Except that would mean leaving her alone in the room... which is the exact opposite of what he's supposed to be doing.
Maybe he hasn't been running full-tilt without stopping in the same way that Jesse has, but he hasn't stopped to rest either. He tried, and didn't get very far, and the exhaustion is starting to catch up to him again, turning his thoughts manic and frazzled.
But she's kissing him back, and again, all the thoughts he's having fly out of his mind. All he knows is her, the feel of her lips on his, the way her breath feels on his face when she exhales... It feels natural, normal, familiar. By now, both of them should be well acquainted with the other, no road maps needed. He has to come up for air too, and while he catches his breath, he just leans his forehead in against hers in the way that they've done since the beginning of it all.
He's allowing his thoughts to wander to thoughts of the life he and Jesse could have, if everything fell into place for them. But as always, he focuses again the second she speaks.
Thank you.
The last time she thanked him, he spun out into a panicked state and her words were lost in his terror. This time, he hears them, and he feels that strong current of love for her rising. This time, the best way he can describe it is feeling the sound waves of her voice washing over him, bringing along her message of thanks.
This time, she welcomes him home once more, and this time, water forms in his eyes again. This time, he doesn't hide his face from her. This time, he smiles, and it's wide and warm and happy. ]
I love you, Jesse.
[ He's said it before, but he wants to say it again for the same reasons she had. ]
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[ « He pushes back against eating if I remember right. Sleeping, eating, normal things. He was asleep earlier though. Maybe this loop really is different. What if... if this is the last time around. »
So many things seem to be lining up for it. The FBC is in the right place at the right time. Somewhat equipped. Alan is awake. Anderson is present. Alan wrote them into the story again. It all seems to be there waiting to explode and become real--final. The end of this never ending loop. The end of a spiral.
Her gaze flickers down then back up as he speaks. Her eyes become wide by a small fraction at seeing the expression in them. Happy. Warm. Has she ever seen him look like this before? Maybe the two emotions separate, but never together. Whole. She blinks a few times before giving him a gentle smile of her own.
Jesse leans against him further, letting her eyes close. The feeling of his breath, the way his beard moves against her as he talks and shifts. It's familiar and known. There's no needing to guess or needing to relearn things about one another. They already know it and have known it--now the story isn't getting in the way and pulling that veil of forgetfulness over them. ]
We need to replace that flannel of yours. Imagine being in the Pacific Northwest and not having any. [ The smile on her lips tugs into something humorous before brushing her lips against his again. ] Maybe we can even enjoy Deerfest before we go back to New York.
[ That's a long shot of course. There's too many factors that need to line up for it, but, there is nothing wrong with hoping. Making a plan in case it somehow all does work out. It won't do any good for both of them to worry if it doesn't work out.
She kisses him again, lightly, almost teasing in a way. She'd rather be close to him again--make up for lost time. He said it had been a long while since they had seen each other last. Why not just spend a few hours together? ]
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[ I can't remember the last time I slept. The couch in the sheriff's office doesn't count. ]
I'm guessing this place isn't that big on takeout options. I don't remember the last time I got takeout either, or even thought about eating, really. [ I think she tried getting me to, but I just couldn't do it. I still don't know if I can.
Alan feels his hopes starting to rise, as he starts to wonder if maybe this is it: the final turn in the loop, or whatever it is. The pieces seem to be falling into place, lining up for the finish. But he feels a frown trying to form, and he covers it up by smiling wider. She can't know that he's thinking it's too good to be true. But it has to be. After all these years, it can't be this easy. The pieces are lining up too easily for Alan's liking.
I get the feeling that the rug's going to be yanked out from under me when I'm least expecting it. When we're least expecting it. And it's going to be ugly.
Screw it. If an ugly end is coming, I'm taking this chance to make something not ugly. Not terrible. Us. Together. Nothing's taking this away from us. ]
If we do, I'm getting you one too. Not just because we'd match, and you can tell me that's a stupid idea, but- flannel's comfortable. I don't have a problem admitting that. [ And I only have good memories associated with it. Maybe we can make some new memories together. ]
An actual, normal Deerfest. Now that would be something.
[ He waits for her to come back up for air, giving her a moment to catch her breath, and then he goes right back in for another kiss: soft at first but deepening the longer he keeps his mouth on hers. If time together is what she wants, he's more than happy to give it. ]
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[ Ultimately, she isn't sure what their next move in terms of recovery should be. She's not used to down time in the middle of everything. She imagines the field agents will send someone, have her be checked up on, offer updates. Once they get to that point she'll have an idea of what to do. Other than that... all she can really think to do is. Time for them. ]
I bought one. Red and black. [ Jesse's expression almost looks playful. Hadn't she worn it in one loop? Maybe. They all blur to a weird dream of images that seem to never end. ] Not exactly matching, but, close enough. Once we replace yours.
It would be something. I've never been to something like it.
[ Part of her worries he doesn't want the time the way she does. In that sense that perhaps he's just going with the flow, and she's distracting from sleep or his need to take care of her. Once it's clear he wants to stop or no longer interested? She'll stop. The last thing she wants to do is make the wrong move and push him away. Especially not now, not with how long it's taken them to come back to this point.
She moves to her back, gently guiding him to join her. She doesn't mind if he's above her, needing to lean on her as well. Her side isn't damaged. It's just her head that comes and goes in terms of feeling heavy or not. Heavy, drifting, floating. Sometimes it feels like mud, and sometimes it feels like she can't focus. Well, can't focus on anything other than his mouth on hers.
There's a tinge of hunger she can't keep from any of her kisses. That ever present need to touch him or be close. Maybe once they're finally able to be together that will lessen. For now, however, both her hands move to curl into his hair at the back of his head. It's soft. Usually it's dirty or wet due to whatever the hell is going on. Now, though... now it's how it should be. Soft, clean, and maybe still needing to be a little shorter. ]
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Alan makes a mental note to himself then, because he'd be lying if he said he isn't worried about Jesse. Make sure she doesn't move too much, or push herself too hard. I don't know exactly what kind of damage a psychic event like that does, but I can imagine it's not good. I can shrug off a bruise. What she's dealing with shouldn't be shrugged off. I get the feeling that Estevez wouldn't be the only one ticked off if something happened to her on my watch.
He pulls himself back to the present and to Jesse, and his eyebrows lift in surprise. ] You did? Red and black, huh? Are those your favorite colors?
[ Another layer of the Jesse onion. Maybe one day I'll peel all of them back. Or not. Everyone should have their secrets, things they won't tell anyone else. I don't need to know everything there is about her. It's enough that she's letting me in. ]
It would be something. I've never been to it either. [ Not the real Deerfest, anyway. Alan doesn't consider anything with flying deer heads a good experience.
He wants all the time that they can manage to have, which he knows isn't going to be very much. So he intends to be grateful for what they have, instead of wishing for more, when that's not possible.
When she moves to her back, he watches her closely, moving with her almost automatically when he feels her guiding him down to follow her. The only problem is trying to find a comfortable position that agitates his side less, but even if he never manages to find one, Alan's not really worried about that. Even a little discomfort is worth being able to be with her like this, especially since the next time they have this chance, he might not be himself. He might not be awake. I might not even remember.
But now he's awake, and he remembers, and there's just as much hunger in his kisses and the speed with which he gives them as there is in hers. He leans in, being careful not to lean on her too much, but the feel of her hand at the back of his head, curling into his hair, is more soothing than any ice pack could ever be.
His hand slides around her back, curling around her hip, while his other hand twines itself in her hair too, as he presses another kiss against her mouth. ]
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Another smile is his reward for the question. ] Not... exactly. I just thought it'd match, y'know. [ A hand raises to gesture to the red hair. ] I usually wear blacks and blues.
Oh. [ A look of understanding crosses her face then. Right. The AWE in 2010 happened right before Deerfest--just like this one. Her lips press together for a brief moment before she nods again. The look of discomfort crosses her eyes briefly. ] Then, we'll definitely need to stay here a few more days. A good welcome home memory, right?
[ Her gaze flicks down to his side, trying to adjust in a way that might help with his injury. Medical professionals would say that this might not the best activity, but Jesse could really care less. The exhaustion will most likely catch up to them before their injuries anyways. As much as she hates to think it.
You can let go.
She can't pin the exact moment he said that to her. But, it's definitely Alan's voice, and not just a memory wearing his voice. Something he told her in that way he asks for her to trust him. It still takes a moment for her to convince herself to lower that wall, and that's hardly his fault. At least she can lower the wall now. There was a time she was unable to do that.
Her hands move from his hair to his shoulders so she can wrap her arms around him as she finally does let go of that control. The motions are still not as quick as she'd like due to the insistent pounding in her head, but, she deepens the kiss. Hopefully he won't pull or shy away from her now. ]
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I bet it looks good on you. [ He smiles at her in return as his gaze travels briefly to admire her red hair. ] I bet most things look good on you.
[ He allows himself another minute or two of just looking at her, taking her in and trying to memorize all the details he sees. Maybe it won't do any good, with how easily his memories get pulled from him, but he does it anyway. ]
Do you think you can do that? [ Can I do that? Will the story let me? ] That would be a great welcome home memory. But as far as memories go? This one is already great.
[ He's awake, and she's with him. Kissing him. Touching him. He feels safe, even if safety is never a guarantee. It's more of an illusion, in his mind. But right here in this moment, he feels like it's real.
Even if all she's doing is touching his hair, and then his shoulders as she wraps her arms around him, he can't stop the low contented moan that escapes him and the breathless way he whispers her name against her lips. She draws reactions from him that he'd forgotten he knew he was capable of, and he's not complaining about it one bit.
I wish that this could just be forever, instead of something temporary. I don't want this to end.
But Alan can't shake the feeling that this will end, sooner or later, and all the wishing in the world won't keep that from happening. It makes him want to hold onto her tighter, kiss her deeper, and not let her go for anything in the world. ]
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Just good on me? [ She gives a smirk, but, doesn't expect much playback from it. ] I usually don't wear dresses. There's never been a real good time to wear one, and, the job isn't really dress friendly. Unless I decide to be a desk Director.
[ « Which, fat chance on that. I can't ask people to go into danger if I'm not willing to do it. That's not the kind of leader I want to be. » ]
Once we end this AWE? Yeah, I think we can. There's going to be interviews and paperwork and... whatever else Kiran needs. Maybe I'll mandate everyone take a breather and enjoy Deerfest. Writer parautalitarians included. Director's orders.
[ The breathless way her name comes from him is enough to send one shiver up her spine, but the gentle moan from him makes her inhale sharply. Not controlled, no walls. Just excitement. The fact she could do this for another person when she's very bad at people.
Well, any people that apparently aren't Alan Wake.
She can feel that familiar sense of wanting to grow louder inside her. Amplify. It's a part of her, as much as she'd want to hide it. It's embarrassing because it's not normal. That connection with Polaris--that need to amplify--is what drives it. It's otherworldly and she's not sure Alan is willingly to put up with it every time they get... like this.
Her lips brush along his as she mouths his name. Fingers press into his shoulders and she shifts against him. Probably not the best thing to do while injured, but, she's let herself go for the moment. ]
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Will this ever stop? Will I find a way to either end this, or to do it on my own so that no one else gets hurt? ]
On you, off you... You'd look good either way. [ He tries to smirk, but it falls a bit flat given the worries lurking in the back of his mind. ]
You're confident that we can end this. [ That I can end this. I know that I did it once, but that was different. That didn't take me thirteen years. ] But even if it doesn't happen as soon as I'd like, I would like to enjoy Deerfest. With you, and with everyone else. But mostly you.
[ He shivers too, in spite of himself, and as he shifts to move against her too, wanting nothing to be between them, his side protests, but he resolutely ignores it. He might have gotten knocked around by the Taken, but nothing is going to stop him from having this moment with Jesse.
With the hand that's resting against her hip, fingers ghost against what they can reach of the skin there, tracing against it in small patterns. In the places where her fingers touch, pressing into his shoulders, little sparks like fireworks seem to go off beneath his skin.
The Taken might come once nightfall arrives again, but as long as it is still light out, all Alan wants is these moments between them to get to know each other, fully and completely. And what better way to do that than to touch each other, explore what they can reach of each other's bodies, to know the other both inside and out?
In a lot of ways, they have the "inside" part covered. They explored the outside too, once, in a loop... maybe more than once. But for Alan, the difference now is that this time, he's awake. The waves are staying back, and he can remember. The nightmares have tried taking him over, and they'll try to do it again, but for now, he's letting go of the fears he has so that he can be with her and be present.
His lips brush against hers, but that's not as far as he goes. It's hesitant, as if he doesn't want to force what he's about to do on her, but if she doesn't like it, she can always push him away.
But he won't know her reaction until he tries, and so summoning up what nerve he can, he lightly traces the outline, the outside of her lip with the tip of his tongue. He knows she doesn't welcome touch, especially when she isn't expecting it, so he expects this to be something she doesn't welcome either. ]
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The flat smile doesn't go unnoticed. Jesse's own fades slightly, pressing her forehead to his. Right. Not the time for light joking. She understands. ]
Yes, I am. I know you can find a way to end it all. You did it before, and maybe it seemed just as hopeless. But, you've got more tools and people this time around who can help. We just need to line the pieces up right.
[ Jesse let's a small smile shine in her eyes. ] Deerfest together. Got it. I'd say maybe even Coffee World... but we do have the business owners of that locked up at the Sherrif Station. It may not reopen soon.
[ Jesse can hardly recall the loop where this all started--the story and them. Bits and pieces survived, but not necessarily images with them. She knows the basics of anything in interviews they've had, who Alan is as a person, that they were intimate before, and that Scratch got the upper hand on her.
Everything else blurs and seems to come back in moments that are similar but different. Seeing him sleep on the couch is one of those instances. She must have fallen quick and fast if they've been intimate before. Something that he said or did opened that door for her to trust him more. What that is seems to be lost in to merged loops, but, she knows it happened. She can feel it with no hesitation.
And, given he's a writer, he probably remembers certain things without even realizing it. She just has an alien in her head that helps.
His fingers at her hip cause her back to arc into him. She leans into his touch to encourage him, a sharp gasp managing to escape her. Normally she might freeze and curl up at the sudden touches, but, it's Alan. She knows him and he knows her--and she can trust him. Even with something like this.
Another gasp comes from her as he outlines her lip. Her hips shift again followed by a sound she'd say is sort of like a moan, but not entirely. One hand moves to the base of his neck into his hair and the other presses into his back more. Suddenly he's not close enough and she feels like she's melting into his arms.
Weird, given she has never liked the feeling any other time. Losing control, melting. Only with him.]
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