synthneon | oceanview || ❝ i must guide my love through the night. ❞

oceanview || ❝ i must guide my love through the night. ❞

OCEANVIEW II

into the dark, dark, dark.

I’m fighting to save my love somеhow
I cannot feel her by my side
Even in this placе inside my mind CODE BY TESSISAMESS

[ "Overwhelmed" is probably accurate. But he could have just as easily given up too. He knows full well that there have been times when he wanted to lie down and give up. When the pressure of the Dark Place weighed too heavily on his mind, when the waves of Cauldron Lake were breaking on the shore, too close for comfort- Alan wanted to give up. ]

That's just it, isn't it? Who decides? There's no one there to ask. [ Inside the Dark Place, he means. He huffs out a humorless laugh. ] Maybe that's why everything got so messed up. There's no one there but me, and well- does it look like I give good advice about anything? Otherwise, the Dark Presence decides, and that's not great either.

[ Alan sighs and it feels like it comes from somewhere deep inside him. Jesse's gotten him figured out. Not that it's difficult. Dad issues. Substance abuse issues at one point. Asshole. Not cut out for the fame machine. Anger issues. Big asshole. Ego the size of New York. Sometimes depressed. Huge asshole. MURDERER. You lost her. It's your fault. it's YOUR fault. IT'S YOUR FAULT.

It's his voice, but those thoughts don't belong to Alan. It's how the Dark Presence sounds when it's tearing at his mind, pulling at what's left of his willpower.

He doesn't respond, because what can he say? He's everything she says he is. Do his attempts to hold back the Dark Presence outweigh the bad things he's done? He doesn't say anything, just lets her words and the sound of her voice wash over him. He feels her tugging on his hand, and he tries valiantly to pull himself out of his own twisting thoughts.

It's a struggle as it always is, but he's trying. Trying to fight. Trying to swim up. He offers her a crooked sort of smile. ]

I'm supposed to be helping you. You're the one who got hit the hardest, and here I am making it about me. Again. Always. [ Isn't that how I lost Alice in the first place? ] I'm sorry.

The Hiss might not be my fault, but- [ So much is his fault, regardless of what Jesse says. The knowledge of it crushes him sometimes.

His fingers curl further, gripping his face tightly as tears continue to fall. Why tears? Why now, of all times? Is it because he hasn't heard anyone use the word "love" referring to him in years? Am I that desperate? Deprived? Trying to find the answer to explain it all doesn't stop them from flowing, continuing to soak his beard. But he's aware that Jesse is still beside him; he feels her lower herself back down to the bed, and he tries once again to pull himself together.

His hand lowers from his face, knowing he must look like a mess. But with watery eyes and all, he manages a small smile for her. He tries to catch his breath, but it comes out sounding like a hiccup. The sound of it makes him laugh even though it's not particularly funny. What a sight he must be right now, with red, watery eyes but a smile that's nothing but genuine. He scrubs at his eyes with his hand before he takes this chance to push himself up now from the bed, ignoring the protest from his bruised side. ]

You know something- [ His smile widens, and his gray eyes search for hers, hoping she looks at him. ]

I love you. I- I have for awhile now. [ More than awhile, through loops upon loops. Through mistakes he made thinking he could save her. Through so many twists and turns in the road. It's been a long road to get to this point. But now feels like the time to say it: now, before he loses his nerve or something stops him. ]

[ He wanted to--but he didn't. That is the point she tries to make. He hasn't stopped, he hadn't given up. Maybe stopped a few times, because doesn't everyone? Even she blocked Polaris out sometimes. They all have moments of weakness.

But, they don't let that weakness win. ]

Okay, so. Things are messed up. They're screwed up. That doesn't mean it's impossible. You can fix this, Alan. Yeah, you need to. But you have to know you can in order to do that.

[ She presses her hand against his again. This won't work for much longer. How many times will the same trick to wake him up work? She's asked, told him, pressed him to come back. A simple hand in the water has now become her entire arm with the water pushing up to her shoulder. He doesn't need to know how far she has to go to reach him.

He may sink farther if he realizes how far she's needing to reach into the lake.

« He made me promise to stay out of the lake. How can I stay at the surface when he's so far down?! He just keeps sinking further and further. What if he sinks too far? »

『 He's coming. I've got to get out of here. Dive deeper. 』

« Is this what he meant when I saw him beyond the door in the Motel? Has he dived too deep into the lake? »

Jesse moves from her thoughts as he shifts. Her green eyes snap to his. ]

I think anything involving Cauldron Lake will be about you, Alan. Until this AWE is over and you can put it behind you. All of it. The Lake, the Dark Place... all of it.

[ The mess he looks like is different than normal. She'll take this look over the others. This is a normal look in a way. One that makes her feel that the real Alan Wake is still in there. The Dark Presence, Scratch, whatever it is hasn't taken him away entirely. ]

What? [ Her voice is small, intersecting the question between his pause.

Then, he says it.

Her eyes widen slightly. She's known it, of course, because why else would someone like Alan go as far with her as he has if he didn't? Despite what tabloids said, he isn't a playboy.

She gently leans forward again to rest her forehead to his. Hopefully he will rest back so his side doesn't act up. ]

Good. It would be ... well, if we got this far, and you didn't... [ She gives a small smile. ] Now what?

[ He nods slowly, because she's right. She's always been right. And the thing is, it's starting to sink in just what he'll have to do to end it all. It's just not what anyone wants, him least of all. How long has it taken him to get to this point? How many years of fighting and toiling and struggling to break through the darkness?

His hand curls, almost clenching into a fist against hers as the realization settles in further. She's going to hate it. Hell, I hate it. But what more can I do?

He's also aware that her old method of bringing him back isn't going to work forever. The water is too deep, and he's going deeper. A hand in the water is fine. An arm going in up to the shoulder is less so. But anything more than that? Not happening. ]

I know that, but- you have to admit, I look pretty self-absorbed most of the time. [ It's not rare, exactly, but it's not an every day thing for Alan to be this blunt about himself and how he imagines people see him. ] Right now, it's not about me. You had the alien force in your head dialing up to 24, and it put you down for the count. That means you should be focusing on you.

[ I'm an asshole for turning the focus back on me. It's not supposed to be on me, not now. ]

Now what? [ He pretends to stop and think about that for a second, but really, there's only one thing he wants to do. With his forehead resting against hers, he leans in so that he can press his lips against hers in the deepest kiss he can manage. ]

[ She holds his hand gently, even as it tries to curl into a fist. There's a twinge of pain, but she doesn't mind. Whatever he needs her to do to keep him floating and awake. That's been her role this entire story, and she realized it... sometime ago. Time feels meaningless in this story. Especially when it loops and she finds herself back in the Motel anyways. Around and around they go. Loop, loop, spiraling out and she tries to pull him back in.

Not all heroes are the ones who save the day.

Alan needs to be saved. But, she can only do so much. He has to want to save himself. Maybe that's her other reason for being her. Except she gave herself that reason. She can be a goal for him to want to save himself. Stretching out her hand for him to realize it's not just endless nights.

Home is waiting for him if he only swims up and takes her hand. Let's her pull him out of the lake.

Even if she has to lean in head first to reach him. ]

Yeah, you can be. [ Her tone suggests it's obvious and she is more than aware of it. That doesn't really matter to her right now. ] But, you helped get me here, right? You're doing your part. And, you're the one one with the bruise. It's from last night, isn't it?

[ Jesse looks back down at his side. It can be about the both of them. She doesn't really like the spotlight shone on her. She's spent her whole life trying to be off the radar and unnoticed. Not always successful, as she's learned from the Prime Canidate Program, but it hadn't stopped her from trying.

« We're both down for the count. Mind helping me out? Keeping things away. Just for a few hours. We both need to eat, sleep... and then I need to talk to Anderson. »

Her attention shifts back to Alan as Polaris shimmers. His mouth is on hers and she instantly leans into the kiss. No hesitation, no worry, an immediate reaction. Her hand gently slips from his so she can rest it on the side of his face. His beard is wet from not only the shower, but, now she can touch him without feeling anything else. Fingers brush along until her hand slides to the back of his head and entangle in his longer hair.

He doesn't taste like the ocean, mud or dirt. Just him. ]

[ He doesn't want to hurt her. Doesn't want to cause her more pain than she's already dealing with. But she grounds him; feeling her, holding her hand, it keeps him from sinking. When he holds her hand, he feels like he's floating. Rising to the surface but not quite managing to break free of the waves. Maybe one day, his head will break through the waves and he can finally swim to shore.

But it's all so complicated in his head. He can't see the ending, can't see how he's supposed to get there. He thinks he can see the steps, the track laid out in front of him, but he can't see where it's going. Where will it end? Will he go home? Or will he get pushed back through the spiral door as if he never got through it at all? He does want to be saved, but he can't see how he'll ever make progress towards being saved.

Belief is hard when you don't know what you believe in anymore. ]

I just think that I should be doing more. [ That seems to be at the heart of it all. He's here to help her, but he's not sure what that looks like. ] It's fine. Yeah, it's from last night, but it's nothing.

[ It's not nothing. It hurts when he moves too quickly, breathes too rapidly... he suspects that the blow left broken bones, but he can't stand the thought of being looked at. Of being poked and prodded and examined. So he just tries to bear it and not think about it, because he's here for her. Estevez told him to look after her, and that's what he's going to do.

It's easier to just kiss her, losing himself in the feeling of her lips against his, of the taste of her... she doesn't wear chapstick or lipstick that he can tell, but how she tastes is unique. It's her. And it might be weird to even think about how she tastes, but- it's part of the experience. Part of being a writer, noting down every detail that he sees, feels, tastes... It's just how his mind works.

Kissing her distracts him from everything, from the problems he can't solve, the story he has to fight to write, the ache in his side... he just wants to hold her like this and kiss her until time runs out and they have to fall back into their respective roles again.

Why can't we just have this forever? ]

Edited 2023-11-13 04:36 (UTC)

You should be doing more? [ « Really? Hasn't he done enough already? No one... no one else has done what he's done for me. Accepted me, and you, together. Believed what happened in Ordinary. He even brought us back into the story. What more could he do? » ] Alan... you've done more for me than most people ever have. Maybe even ever will.

[ « I have the feeling that it's not just nothing. »

She won't poke or prod, but, she'll suggest he get something for it. An ice pack--something. Once they've rested. Rest will help more than anything for the pair of them for the moment. She knows she's gone non-stop since they reached Bright Falls... and Alan probably hasn't had a real moment to just rest since he arrived from the Dark Place.

How did he get out?

Jesse falls in line with the kiss with a sense of ease and practice. Why shouldn't she? They've done it so many times already. The loop she can barely remember but knows exists... time in the Motel. Reality would say this should be their first time really together, but it's not true. Reality as people remember it tends to be not the most accurate thing as it is.

She has to break for air, but keeps her forehead to his and her lips close to his. If this is all they did for the rest of the afternoon? That would be fine with her. They haven't had the chance to reconnect on this level. Not just kissing and--other things--but as them. There's been moments, but the call to action interrupted both times the night before.

And he's been awake. Here. Home. ]

Thank you. [ She says it again, barely above a whisper, letting the sound move over him. He may not need to hear it once more. Still, she wants to make certain he understands how much it means to her. ] Welcome home, Alan.

[ She's welcomed him back already. The night before. Still, she wants to say it again now that it really is just the two of them. ]

[ It feels strange in a way, as Alan has been outside this reality for so long, but when Jesse echoes his question back to him, his own answer is immediate, as if he knows what to do instantly. As if he remembers the things that people need when they're under the weather. Or knocked down by a psychic attack. ]

Yes, yes, I should. I should be getting you something to eat. Something to drink. Meds, if you need them. A change of clothes, maybe? I should be doing more to help you with whatever you need right now.

[ If Alan weren't lying down beside her, he knows he'd be up pacing around the room trying to think about everything she might need that he should try and find and bring back for her. Except that would mean leaving her alone in the room... which is the exact opposite of what he's supposed to be doing.

Maybe he hasn't been running full-tilt without stopping in the same way that Jesse has, but he hasn't stopped to rest either. He tried, and didn't get very far, and the exhaustion is starting to catch up to him again, turning his thoughts manic and frazzled.

But she's kissing him back, and again, all the thoughts he's having fly out of his mind. All he knows is her, the feel of her lips on his, the way her breath feels on his face when she exhales... It feels natural, normal, familiar. By now, both of them should be well acquainted with the other, no road maps needed. He has to come up for air too, and while he catches his breath, he just leans his forehead in against hers in the way that they've done since the beginning of it all.

He's allowing his thoughts to wander to thoughts of the life he and Jesse could have, if everything fell into place for them. But as always, he focuses again the second she speaks.

Thank you.

The last time she thanked him, he spun out into a panicked state and her words were lost in his terror. This time, he hears them, and he feels that strong current of love for her rising. This time, the best way he can describe it is feeling the sound waves of her voice washing over him, bringing along her message of thanks.

This time, she welcomes him home once more, and this time, water forms in his eyes again. This time, he doesn't hide his face from her. This time, he smiles, and it's wide and warm and happy. ]

I love you, Jesse.

[ He's said it before, but he wants to say it again for the same reasons she had. ]

I'm not sure what meds would even help with--this. [ A hand raises with a vague gesture to her head. Maybe if they were back in they would have something. Resources here in Bright Falls are limited, so all Jesse can think to do is rest. That may not even be enough. They won't really know until the sun goes down and they need to fight again. ] Food ... that's a good idea. For both of us.

[ « He pushes back against eating if I remember right. Sleeping, eating, normal things. He was asleep earlier though. Maybe this loop really is different. What if... if this is the last time around. »

So many things seem to be lining up for it. The FBC is in the right place at the right time. Somewhat equipped. Alan is awake. Anderson is present. Alan wrote them into the story again. It all seems to be there waiting to explode and become real--final. The end of this never ending loop. The end of a spiral.

Her gaze flickers down then back up as he speaks. Her eyes become wide by a small fraction at seeing the expression in them. Happy. Warm. Has she ever seen him look like this before? Maybe the two emotions separate, but never together. Whole. She blinks a few times before giving him a gentle smile of her own.

Jesse leans against him further, letting her eyes close. The feeling of his breath, the way his beard moves against her as he talks and shifts. It's familiar and known. There's no needing to guess or needing to relearn things about one another. They already know it and have known it--now the story isn't getting in the way and pulling that veil of forgetfulness over them. ]

We need to replace that flannel of yours. Imagine being in the Pacific Northwest and not having any. [ The smile on her lips tugs into something humorous before brushing her lips against his again. ] Maybe we can even enjoy Deerfest before we go back to New York.

[ That's a long shot of course. There's too many factors that need to line up for it, but, there is nothing wrong with hoping. Making a plan in case it somehow all does work out. It won't do any good for both of them to worry if it doesn't work out.

She kisses him again, lightly, almost teasing in a way. She'd rather be close to him again--make up for lost time. He said it had been a long while since they had seen each other last. Why not just spend a few hours together? ]

Edited 2023-11-14 00:47 (UTC)

[ Alan looks at her with a surveying, considering look before he responds. ] I know that. I do, I just- A part of me is saying I need to act, I need to do something that isn't just lying here next to you. [ And then his expression turns wry, and he adds: ] Another part of me is just too damn tired to get out of this bed again, at least for a little while.

[ I can't remember the last time I slept. The couch in the sheriff's office doesn't count. ]

I'm guessing this place isn't that big on takeout options. I don't remember the last time I got takeout either, or even thought about eating, really. [ I think she tried getting me to, but I just couldn't do it. I still don't know if I can.

Alan feels his hopes starting to rise, as he starts to wonder if maybe this is it: the final turn in the loop, or whatever it is. The pieces seem to be falling into place, lining up for the finish. But he feels a frown trying to form, and he covers it up by smiling wider. She can't know that he's thinking it's too good to be true. But it has to be. After all these years, it can't be this easy. The pieces are lining up too easily for Alan's liking.

I get the feeling that the rug's going to be yanked out from under me when I'm least expecting it. When we're least expecting it. And it's going to be ugly.

Screw it. If an ugly end is coming, I'm taking this chance to make something not ugly. Not terrible. Us. Together. Nothing's taking this away from us. ]

If we do, I'm getting you one too. Not just because we'd match, and you can tell me that's a stupid idea, but- flannel's comfortable. I don't have a problem admitting that. [ And I only have good memories associated with it. Maybe we can make some new memories together. ]

An actual, normal Deerfest. Now that would be something.

[ He waits for her to come back up for air, giving her a moment to catch her breath, and then he goes right back in for another kiss: soft at first but deepening the longer he keeps his mouth on hers. If time together is what she wants, he's more than happy to give it. ]

[ She nods as best she can. The motion makes her head swim and a dull ache form. The brief discomfort that forms on her face before she decides to rest against the pillows again. ] Then, we stay in bed a few hours. We'll sort the rest out later.

[ Ultimately, she isn't sure what their next move in terms of recovery should be. She's not used to down time in the middle of everything. She imagines the field agents will send someone, have her be checked up on, offer updates. Once they get to that point she'll have an idea of what to do. Other than that... all she can really think to do is. Time for them. ]

I bought one. Red and black. [ Jesse's expression almost looks playful. Hadn't she worn it in one loop? Maybe. They all blur to a weird dream of images that seem to never end. ] Not exactly matching, but, close enough. Once we replace yours.

It would be something. I've never been to something like it.

[ Part of her worries he doesn't want the time the way she does. In that sense that perhaps he's just going with the flow, and she's distracting from sleep or his need to take care of her. Once it's clear he wants to stop or no longer interested? She'll stop. The last thing she wants to do is make the wrong move and push him away. Especially not now, not with how long it's taken them to come back to this point.

She moves to her back, gently guiding him to join her. She doesn't mind if he's above her, needing to lean on her as well. Her side isn't damaged. It's just her head that comes and goes in terms of feeling heavy or not. Heavy, drifting, floating. Sometimes it feels like mud, and sometimes it feels like she can't focus. Well, can't focus on anything other than his mouth on hers.

There's a tinge of hunger she can't keep from any of her kisses. That ever present need to touch him or be close. Maybe once they're finally able to be together that will lessen. For now, however, both her hands move to curl into his hair at the back of his head. It's soft. Usually it's dirty or wet due to whatever the hell is going on. Now, though... now it's how it should be. Soft, clean, and maybe still needing to be a little shorter. ]

[ He nods too, but his attention zeroes in on her almost immediately. She's always hidden what she's thinking or feeling behind an inscrutable expression, but sometimes Alan feels as though he sees things slip through. Maybe it's because he believes he knows what to look for, or maybe he's just fooling himself, but he thinks he sees a hint of discomfort in her eyes as she nods.

Alan makes a mental note to himself then, because he'd be lying if he said he isn't worried about Jesse. Make sure she doesn't move too much, or push herself too hard. I don't know exactly what kind of damage a psychic event like that does, but I can imagine it's not good. I can shrug off a bruise. What she's dealing with shouldn't be shrugged off. I get the feeling that Estevez wouldn't be the only one ticked off if something happened to her on my watch.

He pulls himself back to the present and to Jesse, and his eyebrows lift in surprise. ] You did? Red and black, huh? Are those your favorite colors?

[ Another layer of the Jesse onion. Maybe one day I'll peel all of them back. Or not. Everyone should have their secrets, things they won't tell anyone else. I don't need to know everything there is about her. It's enough that she's letting me in. ]

It would be something. I've never been to it either. [ Not the real Deerfest, anyway. Alan doesn't consider anything with flying deer heads a good experience.

He wants all the time that they can manage to have, which he knows isn't going to be very much. So he intends to be grateful for what they have, instead of wishing for more, when that's not possible.

When she moves to her back, he watches her closely, moving with her almost automatically when he feels her guiding him down to follow her. The only problem is trying to find a comfortable position that agitates his side less, but even if he never manages to find one, Alan's not really worried about that. Even a little discomfort is worth being able to be with her like this, especially since the next time they have this chance, he might not be himself. He might not be awake. I might not even remember.

But now he's awake, and he remembers, and there's just as much hunger in his kisses and the speed with which he gives them as there is in hers. He leans in, being careful not to lean on her too much, but the feel of her hand at the back of his head, curling into his hair, is more soothing than any ice pack could ever be.

His hand slides around her back, curling around her hip, while his other hand twines itself in her hair too, as he presses another kiss against her mouth. ]

[ Psychic injuries like this are definitely a first for her. She's been on the brunt end of objects thrown, cement thrown, pieces of ...whatever the Astral Plane is made of. Polaris has never directly injured her, so, she can't say she knows the right way to proceed. Laying down and trying to keep things somewhat steady in her movements seems to be the best idea. She can already hear Emily freaking out but also wanting to study the damage.

Another smile is his reward for the question. ] Not... exactly. I just thought it'd match, y'know. [ A hand raises to gesture to the red hair. ] I usually wear blacks and blues.

Oh. [ A look of understanding crosses her face then. Right. The AWE in 2010 happened right before Deerfest--just like this one. Her lips press together for a brief moment before she nods again. The look of discomfort crosses her eyes briefly. ] Then, we'll definitely need to stay here a few more days. A good welcome home memory, right?

[ Her gaze flicks down to his side, trying to adjust in a way that might help with his injury. Medical professionals would say that this might not the best activity, but Jesse could really care less. The exhaustion will most likely catch up to them before their injuries anyways. As much as she hates to think it.

You can let go.

She can't pin the exact moment he said that to her. But, it's definitely Alan's voice, and not just a memory wearing his voice. Something he told her in that way he asks for her to trust him. It still takes a moment for her to convince herself to lower that wall, and that's hardly his fault. At least she can lower the wall now. There was a time she was unable to do that.

Her hands move from his hair to his shoulders so she can wrap her arms around him as she finally does let go of that control. The motions are still not as quick as she'd like due to the insistent pounding in her head, but, she deepens the kiss. Hopefully he won't pull or shy away from her now. ]

[ Maybe that's half of Alan's issue with this whole thing. He can fight off Taken, and he can write things to fix other things that he may or may not have made happen himself, but he can't fix or heal the lingering damage that Jesse's still dealing with. What good am I if I can't do that? Am I even helping her at all? ]

I bet it looks good on you. [ He smiles at her in return as his gaze travels briefly to admire her red hair. ] I bet most things look good on you.

[ He allows himself another minute or two of just looking at her, taking her in and trying to memorize all the details he sees. Maybe it won't do any good, with how easily his memories get pulled from him, but he does it anyway. ]

Do you think you can do that? [ Can I do that? Will the story let me? ] That would be a great welcome home memory. But as far as memories go? This one is already great.

[ He's awake, and she's with him. Kissing him. Touching him. He feels safe, even if safety is never a guarantee. It's more of an illusion, in his mind. But right here in this moment, he feels like it's real.

Even if all she's doing is touching his hair, and then his shoulders as she wraps her arms around him, he can't stop the low contented moan that escapes him and the breathless way he whispers her name against her lips. She draws reactions from him that he'd forgotten he knew he was capable of, and he's not complaining about it one bit.

I wish that this could just be forever, instead of something temporary. I don't want this to end.

But Alan can't shake the feeling that this will end, sooner or later, and all the wishing in the world won't keep that from happening. It makes him want to hold onto her tighter, kiss her deeper, and not let her go for anything in the world. ]

[ She would argue he is doing her plenty of good. Healing psychic trauma may be nothing more than rest and relaxation. Something they definitely don't have much of at the moment. The thought had crossed her mind that maybe the injury was the price paid for changing the story--saving her, Saga, and putting them back in. If so? She'll pay the price. Saga is a key component somehow, and well, she will fight tooth and nail to keep Alan. ]

Just good on me? [ She gives a smirk, but, doesn't expect much playback from it. ] I usually don't wear dresses. There's never been a real good time to wear one, and, the job isn't really dress friendly. Unless I decide to be a desk Director.

[ « Which, fat chance on that. I can't ask people to go into danger if I'm not willing to do it. That's not the kind of leader I want to be. » ]

Once we end this AWE? Yeah, I think we can. There's going to be interviews and paperwork and... whatever else Kiran needs. Maybe I'll mandate everyone take a breather and enjoy Deerfest. Writer parautalitarians included. Director's orders.

[ The breathless way her name comes from him is enough to send one shiver up her spine, but the gentle moan from him makes her inhale sharply. Not controlled, no walls. Just excitement. The fact she could do this for another person when she's very bad at people.

Well, any people that apparently aren't Alan Wake.

She can feel that familiar sense of wanting to grow louder inside her. Amplify. It's a part of her, as much as she'd want to hide it. It's embarrassing because it's not normal. That connection with Polaris--that need to amplify--is what drives it. It's otherworldly and she's not sure Alan is willingly to put up with it every time they get... like this.

Her lips brush along his as she mouths his name. Fingers press into his shoulders and she shifts against him. Probably not the best thing to do while injured, but, she's let herself go for the moment. ]

[ Too many people along the way have paid prices of varying levels, and the last thing Alan wants is for Jesse to have to pay more than she already has, because of him. He knows that if he thinks about this for too long, he'll start to spiral, and the waves will come back in, and that's the last thing he wants. But from his perspective, all he can see is the trouble he's caused, and that he continues to cause.

Will this ever stop? Will I find a way to either end this, or to do it on my own so that no one else gets hurt? ]

On you, off you... You'd look good either way. [ He tries to smirk, but it falls a bit flat given the worries lurking in the back of his mind. ]

You're confident that we can end this. [ That I can end this. I know that I did it once, but that was different. That didn't take me thirteen years. ] But even if it doesn't happen as soon as I'd like, I would like to enjoy Deerfest. With you, and with everyone else. But mostly you.

[ He shivers too, in spite of himself, and as he shifts to move against her too, wanting nothing to be between them, his side protests, but he resolutely ignores it. He might have gotten knocked around by the Taken, but nothing is going to stop him from having this moment with Jesse.

With the hand that's resting against her hip, fingers ghost against what they can reach of the skin there, tracing against it in small patterns. In the places where her fingers touch, pressing into his shoulders, little sparks like fireworks seem to go off beneath his skin.

The Taken might come once nightfall arrives again, but as long as it is still light out, all Alan wants is these moments between them to get to know each other, fully and completely. And what better way to do that than to touch each other, explore what they can reach of each other's bodies, to know the other both inside and out?

In a lot of ways, they have the "inside" part covered. They explored the outside too, once, in a loop... maybe more than once. But for Alan, the difference now is that this time, he's awake. The waves are staying back, and he can remember. The nightmares have tried taking him over, and they'll try to do it again, but for now, he's letting go of the fears he has so that he can be with her and be present.

His lips brush against hers, but that's not as far as he goes. It's hesitant, as if he doesn't want to force what he's about to do on her, but if she doesn't like it, she can always push him away.

But he won't know her reaction until he tries, and so summoning up what nerve he can, he lightly traces the outline, the outside of her lip with the tip of his tongue. He knows she doesn't welcome touch, especially when she isn't expecting it, so he expects this to be something she doesn't welcome either. ]

[ She would argue the price she's paid is worth it. Sure, she's been knocked down for now. But, she's the Director. She'll bounce back by the time she's really needed. Besides, Anderson is alive, so is Steve, Estevez and Alan is here. Home. It's a small trade off and if that's what it takes? Fine by her.

The flat smile doesn't go unnoticed. Jesse's own fades slightly, pressing her forehead to his. Right. Not the time for light joking. She understands. ]

Yes, I am. I know you can find a way to end it all. You did it before, and maybe it seemed just as hopeless. But, you've got more tools and people this time around who can help. We just need to line the pieces up right.

[ Jesse let's a small smile shine in her eyes. ] Deerfest together. Got it. I'd say maybe even Coffee World... but we do have the business owners of that locked up at the Sherrif Station. It may not reopen soon.

[ Jesse can hardly recall the loop where this all started--the story and them. Bits and pieces survived, but not necessarily images with them. She knows the basics of anything in interviews they've had, who Alan is as a person, that they were intimate before, and that Scratch got the upper hand on her.

Everything else blurs and seems to come back in moments that are similar but different. Seeing him sleep on the couch is one of those instances. She must have fallen quick and fast if they've been intimate before. Something that he said or did opened that door for her to trust him more. What that is seems to be lost in to merged loops, but, she knows it happened. She can feel it with no hesitation.

And, given he's a writer, he probably remembers certain things without even realizing it. She just has an alien in her head that helps.

His fingers at her hip cause her back to arc into him. She leans into his touch to encourage him, a sharp gasp managing to escape her. Normally she might freeze and curl up at the sudden touches, but, it's Alan. She knows him and he knows her--and she can trust him. Even with something like this.

Another gasp comes from her as he outlines her lip. Her hips shift again followed by a sound she'd say is sort of like a moan, but not entirely. One hand moves to the base of his neck into his hair and the other presses into his back more. Suddenly he's not close enough and she feels like she's melting into his arms.

Weird, given she has never liked the feeling any other time. Losing control, melting. Only with him.]

[ It might be worth it this time; what they've managed to gain might make this time worth it, but what about the next time? What wil the price be then? Who will have to pay it? Alan's been trying all along to limit the damage, even though the Dark Presence has fought him every step of the way. Once it's in the story, I have to use it. Even if I hate it. Even if it's not what I'd do.

If he can direct most of the damage to himself rather than to other people, that's good. Not good for him, but paying any kind of price never is. He's the one who started all of this; shouldn't he shoulder most of the fallout whenever possible? Yes. Yes, I have to do that. I have to fix this.

If he were in a better, lighter mood, he would have joked right back. He wants to do that; he wants to be happy, to make jokes, to laugh. ] Sorry. You're trying to help, trying to bring the mood up, and I'm just- [ A downer. The worst downer that's ever existed. ]

I wish I had half of your confidence. I had it, once, before all of this. But maybe you're right. Maybe this time, the key isn't just me. The key is you. Everyone who's trying to help in their own way. [ Not Scratch. He's trying to take everything away from me. I can't let him. ]

I know about Deerfest, but Coffee World? [ It sounds like an interesting place, at least, even if it doesn't sound likely that they'll get to check it out. There's probably a story there, and he hopes it's not one he had anything to do with. But knowing his luck? It probably is.

Encouraged by her reactions, he begins to be a little bolder with his explorations. Nothing outrageous, not forcing anything on her, but occasionally exploring a little bit past her lips before pulling back. This isn't his first time being intimate with another person, even if there's still a lot of "firsts" for them. But he can't help but feel apprehensive somehow, as if his advances might turn out to be unwelcome.

He feels her hand pressing into his back, and he feels her seemingly shift against him, almost melting into his hold, which in turn causes him to pull in his arms tighter around her, holding her closer as he presses a deep kiss onto her mouth. ]

It's okay. [ The tone in her says she means what she says. ] Sometimes it's not the time or place to joke around.

[ He's always been a bit broody and moody. That just helps build the charm and mystique of Alan Wake.

A small smile touches her face. She presses her forehead to his. ] We just need to help you find that confidence again.

Maybe the key is all of it. Not just one particular piece or person? All these little things building up together. [ A huff of a laugh. ] It's an amusement park based around coffee. I thought it might be your kind of place.

[ His advances are anything but unwelcome. She tries to communicate that in their kiss when he returns to place a deep one on her mouth. There's a hunger and a need to come together. Not just her as Jesse, but the part that resonates with the spark inside him. Letting go means allowing that part to drive her as well... and that is what scares and worries her. His reaction to it.

Regardless of it, her hips press against his and she rocks into him as best she can. Fingers at his neck gently brush along the hairline and base of his neck, trying to find out what he likes. Where she can touch him to make him let go as well. ]

Is it? Is it really okay? [ A flash of doubt shows in his eyes for just a moment. He can hear it in her tone of voice that it is, but he still can't stop himself from asking. As for his charm and mystique, whatever he might have had that lent itself to those qualities seems to have been lost, in his own honest opinion of himself. Of course, everyone is their own harshest critic, and Alan is no exception to that. ]

Between you and me, I think that's a futile effort. A lost cause.

[ He shrugs, rolling his shoulders noncommittally. ] I never was very good at puzzles. Maybe that's why I can't write myself out of this one. [ He does manage to smile at her further description of Coffee World. ] If it reopens, we should go. Make it a date. Well, not a date, just two people going to see an attraction at the same time. Coincidentally.

[ It's totally a date.

With that kiss, it becomes clear to Alan that she welcomes his advances, and wants more of them besides. But she surprises him when she brushes her fingers against the hairline and the base of his neck. If getting him to let go is her goal, she's off to a good start. His head tips back just slightly, not far enough to break the kiss, but just enough to indicate a pleased response to her touches.

His lips are still on hers, and he takes the briefest of breaths before going in again for another kiss. Her touches to the back of his neck, an admittedly sensitive spot, have teased out a response, but he has yet to fully let go. ]

Yes, it is. [ Jesse presses against his forehead. They've survived their first night (again) against the Taken. They're both injured. It may not be the right time for such levity. Somewhere between light and dark of the situation seems to be the right area. ] Maybe. I think you just need to find that spark inside you again.

[ She feels Polaris shift in agreement. Even a shimmer appears. ]

And Polaris agrees. [ There is a certainty in her voice that only seems to come out when she's talking about her friend. A hint at that special connection. ] She'll help however she can.

[ Her eyebrows raise at his proposal of their date, but not really a date. Jesse can't help but almost giggle at it. It's a small one, almost stiffled, but it's clear what it is. ]

Alan. That's a date. [ She smiles then. ] We've never gone on a date. Have we?

[ « With everything going on... we've never had one. We've shared things with each other, been intimate, even agreed to have a life together. But... we've never had a date. Like a normal couple. Could we manage it now? I know it's an AWE, but there's so much down time in the day... » ]

Let's get breakfast tomorrow. The two of us. [ Part of her can't believe she's suggesting it. She hasn't been on a date in years. Would he really want to go out with everything going on? ] We can work out what to do next. Have some coffee. Enjoy a meal together.

[ « I... really like the sound of it. Will he? Maybe not. »

She meets him back for a kiss. He seems to like being touched where she's exploring. Maybe because it's been so long since he has? Before all the loops that is. Being trapped in the Dark Place for so long... with just memories of what it was like to talk to people. Be with them. Does he really remember everything from the loops and versions of the story?

Her other hand would move along his side, but she's afraid of accidently touching the bruise there. Instead, she gently slides her fingers up his arm, down his back, then rounds along the waistline of his sweatpants. Ones she thinks he looks good in--relaxed and comfortable.

She breaks from their kiss long enough to lock her eyes onto his again. There's a question in her gaze as her fingers glide along the skin at his hip. Should she keep going? Or, should she reign herself back in for him? She can pull it back--box it up and control it if he needs her to. ]

Okay. [ He knows the answer comes too quickly, to automatically. He's certain she won't believe him. She won't believe that he's accepting her answer, and she won't believe that he believes it's possible for that spark that's gone out to come alive again. He doesn't believe it, because even if it does come back to life, something will snuff it right back out.

He doesn't say it, because it's bordering too much on harshness for his liking. He might have not shown so much consideration thirteen years ago, but now, knowing what he does about the shared bond between Jesse and Polaris, and the added fact that sometimes he's just too tired to expend the energy on cutting words silences him. But there is a part of him that's buried deep inside that questions Polaris's ability to be truly helpful.

Still, saying that to her would accomplish nothing except maybe earn him a dose of anger. Deserved anger, but it's not something he wants to set himself up for, not willingly. ]

It is? Really? [ He manages a half-smirk to show that he's joking. ] No, we've never gone on a date. I don't know if anything we could do here would count as one. If I'm going to take you on a date, it's going to go the whole nine yards, because- well, you deserve it. [ And I don't want her telling Steve or anyone else that I was a bad date. ]

Breakfast with you sounds great. [ He knows he'd have some hurdles he'd have to find a way to climb over, because eating is still an idea he has trouble with. But sleeping was a hurdle too, and he managed to do that, at least for a little while. Maybe if he just starts slowly, he can manage it. ] Just being with you sounds great.

[ But I don't think she'd like it if she ate and I just watched.

Her touches make him feel as though he could just go weak at the knees, and not only because it's been so long since anyone touched him. She could touch him anywhere and he'd react the same, because it's her, and he loves her. Even if she's still discovering what makes him respond, the truth is that he would respond to anything she decided to do.

And the memories of events that happen within the loops are slippery things; sometimes he can recall details from them, while other times, the details fade away, buried by other memories. He'd say his sense of recall is pretty bad, given how things slip in and out of his mind. An effect of the Dark Place, most likely.

Her touches make him shiver in her hold, but it's a pleasurable kind of shiver. If she keeps on touching him like this, he'll be little more than putty in her hands for her to do whatever she likes with. He can feel a glazed over look settling into his eyes, not because he's drifting away in the waves, but because he's losing himself in a moment of sheer pleasure. And all she's doing is touching and kissing him.

With some effort, he pulls himself out of that well of pleasure just in time for her to lock eyes with him. He sees that question in her own eyes, and by way of an answer, he rocks his hips against hers slowly at first, but increasing in pace. In his mind, there's no need for either of them to rein themselves in, not anymore. ]

[ Her eyebrows raise, but that's the only expression she gives him. No words, no extra movements. So much of Alan seems to be lost in his own head. Polaris insists she can guide him back--just as she did her amplifier. Jesse choses to believe in her oldest friend. Not just because of years built on trust, but, because the alternative is too dark for her to accept.

He's lost enough. More of himself is too much.

She nudges his leg gently with his joking. It's good to see him joke. Have some sort of semblance of levity. ]

I might not deserve it. Still, it'd be... well, I can't say I've had a date like that. I mean. I've been on dates. Just not the kind you're probably thinking of.

[ She nods then, a certain glow in her eyes. ] Breakfast it is then. Something small and light for now.

[ Her heart skips a beat at the look in his eyes. She knows what it's like to see him drift away, something pulling his mind from his surroundings and leaving him saying whatever comes to him. She can tell he's still with her, just lost in the moment. It's almost a laser focus on the details of his expression. Notes to herself so she can tell what's somewhat going on in his head.

His gaze locks back to hers and he shifts against her.

That's enough of an answer for her.

Jesse kisses him again. Hungry, needy, but making sure not to move her head too much. It feels the wrong sort of dizzying when she nods or moves too fast side to side. Instead, she focuses on keeping her head still and ghosting her open mouth against his lips.

Was it like this in the first circle through the story? Or has it only built with every passing version until tensions have reached to this point? She can't say she remembers well. While most her memories seem more reliable than his? It's namely the emotions she remembers from that very first time. Everything else has been washed away by a tide.

Her hips rock against his, fingers moving under the waist line of the sweats. She moves her fingers along, pressing when he rocks against the right spot. A soft moan echoes against his lips as she shifts to rock in time with him. At least, as best as she can. She imagines he knows those right places to make her let go entirely and just be in the moment. ]

[ Maybe he lets himself be lost in his head too much. It's what the Dark Presence wants: to pull him away until there's nothing of him left, and that's when it'll swoop in. Maybe if he fought it more, he wouldn't drift away from her so much. But what does fighting it look like, anyway? For him, it's complicated, but what seems to somewhat ground him is thinking about her. Not just any old thoughts about her, but thoughts about her with him in their reality.

Yes, it's my reality too. I keep forgetting that. Or something is making me forget that. But it's where I'm from, where I belong, if I can believe what she keeps saying. ]

I know it's stupid, and you're probably thinking: oh, it's Alan Wake, just another rich guy throwing his money around. But- well, I don't know if I'm that rich guy anymore. Who knows what happened to what I owned? It probably all went to Alice. But... maybe if I write more books and they sell really well, I'll have the money to take you on a really nice date.

[ If she looks close enough, she'll notice that Alan's eyes have lit up as well, as if just the thought of treating her to a nice date has rekindled some kind of spark inside him. Maybe it's not the spark he needs to finally be free of this place, but at least it's a spark. ]

And coffee, right? [ The memory's a faint one because it feels like it happened a long time ago now, but he vaguely remembers a thermos of coffee that he didn't drink. Maybe this time, he'll actually eat and drink something. Maybe.

She kisses him again, and the kiss takes his breath away, but that feeling of breathlessness doesn't bother him. All he can focus on is the feel of her lips against his, and the way her hands rest along his back, her fingers moving beneath the fabric of the pants he borrowed. A thought enters his mind then, one that he wants to follow through with but is unsure what Jesse would think. Given what she's wearing at the moment, he thinks it wouldn't be strange, but his mind doesn't want to stop overthinking it.

Instead, he continues rocking his hips against hers, trying to find a rhythm that puts them in sync with each other. He wants to let go of his own hesitations and let his hands travel everywhere he can reach, exploring her, but he still finds himself pausing and trying to pull back on that urge. We've done this before, haven't we? Just let go. If she didn't want it, she'd say it. She'd do something to make that clear. ]

[ She'll do what she needs to remind him. Even if it's holding his hand and pointing out something in a shop window that could come with them home. Little things that remind him he does exist here in this reality. She'd even offer to take him to the bookstore and show him copies of the Alex Casey novels of time wasn't so short.

But, she feels that even that might not help. Maybe the problem isn't that Alan doesn't feel he is from this reality only because he's been in the Dark Place for so long. Maybe it's more along the lines that he isn't the same Alan Wake as he was before. He may not be able to relate to the person he was, and the Dark Presence is running amok with it.

Her breath catches in her throat at the light in his eyes. Even if it's small, it's a way to show he is here. Home. With her. ]

Well, until you sell some books, I'm fine with take out dates at home. I think I'm a pretty cheap date.

[ Which she doesn't mind being. It's not like she's been on a date in years anyways. She presses her forehead to his with a smile. Just being anywhere with him would make her happy. ]

They say the Oh Deer Diner coffee is the best in the area... so, I think we could manage that. [ Her head tilts slightly, but not enough to make her head pound. ] Little steps at a time.

[ His name tumbles from her in hushed tones as he moves to find a rhythm that suits them both. Legs move to gently lock around his. Trying to find a place that won't offset his injury is a bit of a puzzle, but, she's sure they can find it.

She slides her hand from the waistline of the pants and slips between them. Her eyes slide open again to find his, a dazed but present look in them. They have done this before, but, it feels like they need to re-establish the boundaries for some reason. Maybe because it was so long ago that the memories have been washed away even if their bodies seem to retain the knowledge.

Her hand just rests against him, between their hips, trying to communicate that she's fine with going where he wants. Them is about each of them, and he needs to feel comfortable, the desire and need if they continue. Yes, she wants him and wants this, but only if he wants her. ]

[ That certainly could have something to do with it. The Alan Wake from thirteen years ago is very different from the Alan Wake of the present. And there's a certain disconnect from who he was then and who is now that seems to be hanging onto Alan like a weight he can't shake off.

There are moments in which he doesn't even recognize himself, and moments when he questions who he is now and what sort of person he even is. Am I a person at all? I just can't help but ask that. The question keeps coming up by itself.

But he's with her, and he's doing his best to keep it that way. He drifts away enough; he doesn't need to be doing that now. ]

Chinese? Italian? There's a lot of options we could go with. Hell, we could even order a little of everything. But in all seriousness, you deserve a real date, not just takeout. Not that I don't enjoy some good takeout. Or I did. Maybe I hate takeout. I can't remember.

[ He smiles at her in spite of the unsettling realization that he's finding it harder to remember things he might have liked. ]

But you're getting coffee first. I think you need it more.

[ For him, if his injury gets jostled, it doesn't matter. No, he doesn't want to accidentally make it worse, but this moment is worth a little discomfort. What he'd like to do is see both of them lose more of their clothes, to truly be bare around each other, but he finds himself hesitating to even start to indulge that wish of his.

Instead, he moves his hand to her opposite hip as well, carefully sliding it in the space between them (not that there's much of it) and moving his fingers beneath the fabric of her tank top and ghosts them against the surface of the skin there. ]

OCEANVIEW II

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