synthneon | oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞

oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞

OCEANVIEW III

and now i'm wide awake.

Oh, I died like a million times.
Through the waves, I break
The nightmares finally over CODE BY TESSISAMESS

[ His tone is what strikes her more than their foreheads touching. The motion they do consistently, but the tone is what tells her that he's awake. Details are fuzzy, like a dream, but what she and Polaris did before this loop must have carried over.

Alan must have stayed awake.

Taking her hands from the desk feels almost like she's wrenching them off. They turn and she raises them, resting both on his elbows. There is a slightly tremor in her hands. The more noticable detail, however, is the familiar energy that seems to just fall from her hands. Like a steady humming stream.

Polaris is there too--of course she is. Beating into the floor of the station and through the parking lot outside. A beacon of amplified light in the darkening town.

Her eyes close as she presses her forehead against his further. Plenty of words come to mind. Thoughts she won't voice as they're repetitive and unneeded. ]

Of course I'm here. You called us, so here we are. [ Jesse pauses to give a sharp inhale. Controlling her emotions. ] You're not going to fight the Dark Presence alone anymore.

[ He's waking up, or he's stayed awake, but he wants more. He needs more. He doesn't have all the pieces. They're hidden behind a wall or a door, and he can't get through either just yet.

What am I missing? I know I'm missing something. Maybe it'll come back eventually. But do I even have time for "eventually"?

His gaze travels to where her hands have come to a stop against his elbows. He thinks he's always liked it when she touches him, but now... it feels different. He likes it, and he wants more of it. Contact with another living person. It doesn't matter what kind of contact. It could just be a supportive, helpful touch, something to reinforce the idea that he's not alone.

There's something else too, something besides Jesse's touch, but Alan's having difficulty focusing on it. Maybe he knew what it was once, but something's obscuring it from him. He can faintly sense it, but that's it. It's there, but faint. ]

I.. I called you. I think I remember. Vaguely. Everything's vague, like it's hidden from me. Or hiding. I don't know where to look to uncover it. Maybe there's more answers in that page. Or do you have the answers somehow?

[ You're not going to fight the Dark Presence alone anymore.

She says those words, and Alan's shoulders seem to drop. Not because of anything bad, but because just those words on their own are words he never expected to hear from anyone. ]

It's been... it's been such a long time. I've been trying to fight it for so long. I never let anyone in, let anyone help. [ But she tried, didn't she? It's implied in that page. Or maybe I just think it is. ]

I... [ He's not nearly as good at controlling his emotions as she seems to be. His voice wavers, and a sheen of moisture covers his eyes. ] I don't want to do that anymore.

[ I need help. Is this the first time I've realized it? Admitted it? Even to myself? ]

You sent the message over the Hotline before. Messages on how to stop Hartman. [ She pauses before her fingers curl in the sleeves of the flannel shirt. The one covered in mud and blood. ] Not those messages. You sent another one to us. When you were trapped in the room you wrote stories in.

[ A beat passes.

Polaris beats louder, trying to resonate with that spark inside him. She tugs at Jesse's mind with words and phrases. ]

The Champion of Light--the Torchbearer. Writer. Novelist. [ She finally opens her eyes to search his. ] You're all those things. But, to me, you're just Alan Wake.

[ « My Alan. »

She swallows and decides to move. Nothing is going to happen by simply going back and forth. Talking in circles. ]

The page was left vague on purpose. Maybe I have the answers and don't know it.

[ Another beat passes.

Then, Jesse leans forward to gently press her lips to his. A brief kiss. One almost like air than her lips. Just in case he isn't ready. ]

[ Alan's brow furrows as his mouth turns down into a frown, the internal struggle to remember but wondering if he's not meant to remember playing itself out on his face. If I remember, that could cause something to go wrong. But... this feeling is terrible. Awful. I'm losing parts of myself, but do I have to lose the memories that should mean the most to me too? This feeling just makes me want to fight to remember. I have to fight it.

It's a feeling of missing something, missing something very important. It makes Alan feel as though he's lost whatever that something is. ]

A message to you, and... and the guiding star? I should know what that is; maybe I do somewhere in here, but it's obscured. Covered up. I called you because- because I was trapped.

[ Trapped. Desperate. Going mad. Drowning.

The spark is muted again, but something inside Alan is reaching out for it, instinctively. Automatically. ]

Sometimes I think I don't even know who that is anymore. But as long as someone does, I guess...

[ If someone knows who he is, then he can't be forgotten about. Right? He opens his mouth to say more, but then she's kissing him. Well, brushing her lips against his, and then several things seem to happen all at once.

More weight seems to fall from Alan's shoulders, shifting his posture, and he leans forward just a fraction too. The kiss was brief, but he doesn't want just a brush of air on his lips. He leans in more, and imitates the gesture, but he lingers just a fraction longer this time. ]

Edited 2023-12-12 20:53 (UTC)

[ « Is it the story making him forget? Fighting him? It'd make sense. It was a struggle for him to put us back in... and the story punished him for it. If WE do it though, then WE pay the price. He can finish the story how he needs to. We'll do what we can to help--if you're still on board. »

Still, Jesse nods to his description of the recipients of the message. Her hands gently press against his elbows a tad more to try and spread that feeling of Polaris. She'll take the confusion over the constant waves washing him out. This is manageable--something she can help change.

And she's certain that it will upset Scratch. The Dark Presence. The story.

They can fuck off, because she's tires of those three things dictating the story. Alan. Everything. ]

We just need to help you remember. Like we did before.

[ ｟ Alan. Alan Wake. Come home. ｠

Polaris shimmers around Jesse. If Alan can see her again is another thing entirely. For the moment, though, the harmonious resonance is trying to get his attention and reach that spark inside him. Trying to wake up the Champion of Light inside of the Writer.

Jesse would raise her hands to take his head into her hold if Polaris wasn't working. However, he leans in to repeat the gesture. She moves the small amount needed to give him a proper kiss. It feels like electricity runs down her spine. She hopes it never stops feeling this way when they kiss. That isn't her primary focus at the moment though. Now she just wants to help him remember in the only way she can think--remind him what it's like to be them. ]

[ Oh, Alan would recoil in horror if she knew what she was thinking. He would reject the idea without even giving it a second's thought. He's had a shift in his thinking without even really knowing when that shift began. The story might need victims; it might pull people in and torment and murder them. But he's never been all right with that. He had to let it happen in some instances, but it's not okay with him. The things that he wrote when he wasn't in control of himself horrify him. That's why so much of the manuscripts are edited.

Now, all he wants to do is minimize the damage and hurt done to other people. If he can somehow put it into the story that the people he cares about are kept out of harm's way, then that's what he intends to do. It has to be subtle, of course, because the story resists, but... Saga and her daughter. Casey. Jesse, Steve, the rest of the FBC in Bright Falls. They need to be kept safe, somehow. He can't remember what exactly he's done in the name of protecting them, because he can't remember that while he's in the story, but he must have done something.

The Dark Presence clearly doesn't like that, even if Alan doesn't realize that's what is causing the ripple of anger inside him.

Get out of my story! You're in MY story.

The thought resounds loudly in Alan's head, and the shooting pain resurfaces for just a second. But it's all internal, and unless Jesse's looking closely, she might miss how Alan's eyes darken for just a second. It's only for a second, and then it's gone, and Alan's there with her. ]

It's going to try and stop you. It doesn't want me to remember. I shouldn't remember, because it's not in the story.

[ His eyes shift again, looking for something that he can't quite see. He's looking for Polaris, that guiding star, but he still can't see her. Can't see the shimmer that he saw in his dream. He can feel her, but just barely. That part of him that's the Champion of Light is reaching back for her, trying to bridge that gap, but so far, it's a slow effort.

But somehow, even if he's struggling to feel Polaris' resonance, he can feel Jesse. He can feel her, and more importantly, the kiss is stirring up memories buried beneath the demands of the story. All he sees are flashes of images, but it's them. They're in different motel rooms, or in a conference room, or in a darkened room he knows too well. But in each one, he's not alone. He's with her.

She keeps finding him in each one, even in a place he never wanted her to see, and in each one, they're home. They're home because they're together.

The words slide out of him almost by accident; he didn't mean to say them out loud, but they come out anyway. ]

Jesse, I want to come home.

Edited 2023-12-13 04:58 (UTC)

[ If she is changing the story then she and Polaris will need to be the ones to bear the price. That's fine by her. She's the one who wants them in reality to the point she's gone through these hoops and lengths. She won't pay a price of death, of course, as that would moot the entire thing. But, any injury is fine with her. As long as it brings Alan home.

The dark look in his eyes doesn't escape her notice. Her hands curl more against his elbows at the sign of it. She doesn't know what that means exactly. The look doesn't belong to Alan and that means it has to leave.

She just wants him here with her. Why is that so damn much to ask for?

The answer is obvious and it makes her hate it all more. Alan has been trapped in a nightmare dimension for thirteen years. The Dark Presence, Scratch, whatever it is has claws deep in him from the constant battles. That's why it's so hard.

« It can't have him. He belongs here. » ]

I'm an outlier for a reason. [ The comment is said gently, but with a bit of pride and even humor to it. ] We don't operate in the way things tell us to. You know that.

[ Green eyes watch his expression as the kiss ends. He's stated his intent and want to return home--to their reality before. Leaving the Dark Place. This time, however, she feels there is a secondary meaning. Her heart pounds. Once again she wonders how he can manage to strike the right cords in her in so few words. He'd say he isn't good with words anymore, but he must be good enough to know how to get her to react.

Her hands leave his elbows to cradle his head between them. A small notion is made to bring him closer and to move closer to him. They're already close enough to kiss and touch their foreheads. It's not close enough to bring him home.

« Haven't we done this before? You and me. It's what we did in the Writer's Room, isn't it...? Did he take that idea and find a way to move it into the story if I showed him that manuscript page? Or, do things naturally fall like this because of the story? Maybe it's pointless to ask. We just go with it. » ]

Then, come home. [ Her eyes slide shut as her mouth brushes against his with each word. ] All you need to do is make that last step. Cross that threshold and you'll be here with me.

[ Jesse want's to pull him closer into a kiss. Her instincts tell her this has to be something Alan does. He has to make that last full motion. A choice just like it was in the Writer's Room. An echo, a repeat, maybe a reused set of events. It worked there, why not here in the altered world event? ]

We're more than just parts to play in the horror story. You're not a character in Scratch's story. You're a best selling novelist--Alan Wake. A real person who belongs in this world. With me.

Edited 2023-12-13 17:47 (UTC)

[ Even now, even though he can't know what's on her mind, Alan rejects that idea soundly. No one needs to be hurt by the story any more than they already have been. Jesse might be resigned to sustaining injuries in the effort to beat the story and bring it to an end, but Alan is anything but resigned to that. He can't forget what it was like reading those words on the page and having it sink in just what Scratch did to her. Even in the loops where he shouldn't remember that, somehow, it still exists as a terrible sinking feeling of dread that he can't get rid of.

Alan feels the darkness trying to drag him under; it feels like a cold hand grabbing at him, trying to pull him away. This won't ever end, will it? I'll never be completely awake. Clear-headed. It'll always find a way to get me. Even if I find a way to end the story, will it always be able to find me?

Jesse might be determined to pull him from the clutches of the Dark Presence, but in Alan's mind, the Dark Presence is even more determined to keep him there. Even when the feeling of being dragged under fades, Alan still feels that cold touch on his back, like the imprint of the Dark Presence is still there. Maybe it'll always be there. ]

Maybe more people should be outliers. Maybe more people should be like you. [ If I'd met her before I met Alice... yeah, I know that's a weird thought. But I would've- Never mind.

There is a secondary meaning. He wants a life with her. He wants things that he shouldn't remember wanting, or talking with her about wanting. There were things they talked about, but he can't remember them. So all he can say is that he wants to come home to her.

His head shifts lightly in her hold, leaning a little bit more against her hands. He moves closer to her when she pulls him in, and when she moves closer to him, he smiles. It's a small smile, but a smile nonetheless. ]

The story- the Dark Presence wants me to think I don't have one. I don't have a home. Even if I get out, I'll always just dive right back in. [ It took him some time to realize it, but the Dark Presence is enticing, a master of deception. It wants to lure Alan back in. It has lured him back in. Whenever he goes too far, it finds a way to pull him back. It preys on his fears and insecurities and uses those against him. ]

It wants me to forget that I ever had a home. But I did, at least once, before all this. An apartment, with Alice.

[ He finds it hard to picture it now, and he doesn't remember visiting a version of it several times in the New York of the Dark Place. ]

I want it. No, I need it. I need to come home. [ I'm tired of always drifting. Drowning. I don't want to be lost anymore.

The story fights him even as he tries to push past it, to take that step. To cross the threshold and join her again. He reaches for her with one hand, although she's not that far away from him, but the darkness lingering in his mind is trying to throw up a wall between them. Trying to keep them apart. ]

...stop it. Just stop it. I'm- I want to come home. [ Again, the words aren't directed at her. They're directed at the monsters in his head that want to keep him trapped. ]

I don't want to be a character. I won't be a character anymore.

[ Alan takes a deep breath, and he takes that step. It won't set him free, but it's a step closer to him finally coming home. His lips press deeply against hers, his hunger and need for her all too plain on his face. ]

[ Rather than resigned, Jesse sees it as terms and conditions. If she is to make the story bend to her will and what she wants? She has to give up something in return. She can take on injuries--she had plenty of scrapes and bruises in the Hiss Invasion. The story has probably done almost every injury imaginable to her already--even if neither of them remember all of the times around. It might be a countless amount of times as well. Who really knows how many times they have been around. All she can hope is that this will be the last time.

His small smile is mirrored by hers. ]

The world would definitely be weirder. [ Her forehead presses to his more. ] Maybe too weird.

[ She gently supports his weight as she had in the Writer's Room. The memories are faint for her, but she knows she went there and that they pulled him from the mental depths of the Dark Place. It seems the hold has to have it's claws in him in order for the story to progress.

« He won't ever be really free of it until this story is over. » ]

It's wrong. [ A slight shake of her head. ] You lived here, in this reality. Not a dream reality. You and Alice lived in New York City. You were a successful writer, a celebrity, and existed here. Even if you don't feel like the same person? You are. You're Alan Wake.

[ She knows when he's talking to only things he knows and can see--visions of the Dark Presence and it's minions--and when he's talking to her. She stays quiet as he battles the darkness in his mind. Whether that darkness is the story or things the Dark Presence has done to him is irrelevant to her. It's a darkness that Alan has to beat on his own. She can aid him and show him the way, be that guiding star, but he has to pick. He has to make it happen.

All he needs is the encouragement and support.

His hand lands on her elbow and her smile widens.

No hesitation is given to kiss him back. She pulls him closer, leaning back slightly. The kiss isn't meant to be pretty or entirely romantic. Instead, she answers that need and hunger with her own. Trying to pull him home; wake up those memories lost in the fog of his mind. Hidden by the story. They've kissed like this before--and more.

Polaris resonates louder, attempting to reach the Champion of Light. ]

[ If those are the terms and conditions, Alan hates them. He hates them almost as much as he hates the story. The story has done so much damage, and the way he sees it, it's only continuing to do damage. He can try to mitigate it, to try and shield as many people from it as he can, but it's too powerful. The darkness is too strong, and he's only one man. He's only one man who's running out of ways to fight it. Maybe this is the only way. The only choice he has left.

But that doesn't change the fact that he hates it. ]

I don't know about too weird. I wouldn't mind going back to some kind of normal, sometimes quiet life, but- it would be boring if there wasn't any weirdness at all. I could do without a horrifying, terrible story that's alive, though.

[ I could really do without that. Without all of this. But didn't this bring us together? I can't hate everything about this, when this is what helped me find her. ]

I don't feel like that, like I'm still that same person. I don't feel much of anything. Believing that all of that is true, that there really still is a person named Alan Wake is... it's hard.

[ It's hard to believe, but- Somehow, I still know that I'm not a character. That's not a made up name. I actually lived. ]

I lived. I talked to people. Made them angry sometimes. But I lived.

[ The darkness is still trying to pull Alan down, but he's fighting back in his own way, channeling some remnants of determination to try and push back. He might not have much left, but he at least has something.

When is a kiss not just a kiss? When it's something a desperate man is doing in an effort to stop himself from drowning. Except it's less of Alan trying to stop himself than it is him relying on someone else to help pull him out of the waves. He's tried doing it on his own, but that won't work anymore. Or maybe it will and he's just convinced himself that it won't. Maybe trusting others to help pull him out will only end in disaster, but it can't go any worse than it already has, right?

Suddenly, abruptly, Alan gasps, a strange momentum pulling him back from Jesse. There's a roaring sound inside his head, accompanied by a haze of gray clouds and a menacing face baring his teeth at him in a snarl. But just as suddenly, the face is gone, and a burst of blinding light seems to flood Alan's mind. In the center of the light is the woman with Jesse's face that he saw in his dream, and as before, her hands are outstretched to him.

Come home, Alan.

The light fades to a less blinding level, and suddenly, Alan feels himself sag against Jesse; not to the point that all of his weight is on her, but he's leaning against her a little more than he was just moments ago.

He's still looking at her, and maybe it's just a trick of the light, but strangely, inexplicably, his gray eyes seem to have become a few shades brighter. ]

[ The story isn't one created by Alan. It doesn't use the rules or language he would. She can tell that by having just read his Alex Casey novels. This story is a monster. Monsters destroy everything in their path. Yet, even more so, this story is an invasion. The Dark Presence--Scratch--wants their world and will burn what it has to in order to do so. Fighting that force means costs, prices, causilties.

She's the Director. What good is a Director who can't guide? Lead the way? Show that you can keep fighting and win? While caring and helping those victims along the way.

She will pay the price because Alan has paid enough for his changes. His heroism. There may not be anything left of him if he keeps paying. So... this one is on her.

« We can argue about it more when he's home for good. » ]

You live. It's not just that you had a life, you have one. The more you belive you don't? The more it's going to wash it away. [ She shifts forward to him more. ] It's hard, Alan. I know. Fighting against a world that tries to convince you what you know is real isn't. I know what it's like.

Why else would you bring Polaris and I here to help?

[ Jesse has been trying so long to pull him from the depths of dark waters. There's been times when she thought he didn't want her help. There's been times when Scratch has stopped her. Even times when she has come so close and it slips from her fingers as they loop around right ti the beginning.

Now, she's reaching into the Lake with both arms submerged. The Lake water is to her collarbone as her hands curl around his arms to pull him up. She can't do it on her own. He has to grab back--push up. Fight off the current so her leverage can truly pull him. He never wanted her in the lake; he abhors the idea of it. It's the only thing she can think to do that won't break her promise of entering the Lake. Both arms under murky black waters and grabbing him. Using all her strength to pull him up.

« Come on, Alan. It's me. It's Jesse. You've been awake before. Remember? WE found you in the Dark Place. A flashlight, a light from outside. You're AWAKE. You have to remember. I can't tell you--you need to realize it. Come on, come on. Please. Please, Alan. You know you're awake! Wake up! You need to wake up! »

She wants to pull him closer and open her mouth to his; to truly disappear into a kiss from him. Instead, he is pulling away with a gasp and everything in Jesse freezes. Well, everything that's her. Polaris still hums loudly and tries to amplify the Light and its Champion.

That's when she sees his eyes have lightened to that shade of gray she loves. Her heart skips.

Her fingers curl slightly into his beard. ] ...hi, Alan.

Edited 2023-12-14 17:48 (UTC)

[ It isn't the kind of story Alan would write, but he believed he needed to adapt his own style of writing to fit in with the horror genre. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he didn't need to completely change the sort of writer that he was. Maybe in that way, that was the Dark Presence changing him. Turning him into someone else. It's a thought that doesn't ease his nerves at all. But he's still trying to stop the invasion, and now that Jesse's on the scene, determined to do her part to help change it, he wonders what exactly that means.

Naturally, his overactive imagination goes to extremes, imagining the worst sort of horrors, the ones that would affect him the most personally, because of their connection. But beyond that, because Alan isn't a cruel person, he can't stand the idea of the story pulling everyone in further and either killing or injuring them almost for fun. The darkness is too powerful, and shouldn't be underestimated. Not that he believes Jesse would for even a second, but it's still that master of deception: finding ways to sneak in when someone's back is turned.

So Alan will never be pleased with the idea of someone else paying the price he's meant to instead of him. But the part of him that is tired of years of fighting, of trying, of being looped back around again and again just wants to lie down and let Jesse as herself or as the Director take over. Not entirely, because he still has to write, but he can relinquish some of the control he's been desperately trying to hold onto. Maybe he never was in control.

But then there's another part of him, a more cynical part, that says there's no point in letting her help. The Dark Presence has its claws in him, as she's already realized. He's spent so long being outside of time and space that maybe there's no place for Alan Wake anymore. Maybe his place is in places he barely remembers, such as the room in her apartment that she set aside for him to use. Maybe he'll flit in and out of those places, always coming back to the Dark Place.

No, that can't be true. I can't give up. I'm tired, but I just can't give up. I won't. ]

It's washed away so much already. You know it has. You've seen it, haven't you? [ She's seen it, he's lived through it. ] It's hard to not think of it all in past tense. It's in the past, not the present. That life, whoever it belonged to.

[ Maybe he and Jesse are really more alike than perhaps either of them have realized. They're both locked in their respective fights. Maybe Jesse ultimately won her fight to find a place in the world where she is believed and where she knows what she's seen is real. Alan's fight is still continuing. The latest tactic from the Dark Place is making him doubt his place in reality. ]

Polaris... Polaris. [ That's not the only thing he's been forced to forget. He can't remember Jesse's guide. ] The name of the North Star, that guides people who are lost. But that's not all Polaris is, is it? [ He knows facts, scientific ones that don't really relate to Jesse's Polaris.

He'd lose himself in trying to remember things that are hidden from him, but that would pull him away from her, and he's been pulled away from her enough as it is.

He's not physically in the lake, but the lake in his mind very much has him in its grip. The waves want to wash him out even as he tries desperately to reach out for and to hold onto Jesse's hands as they reach out to him. He's reaching, desperately, straining for something to hold onto, something to pull him out of the water even as the current pulls him back down and further in. His own strength is waning and has been for awhile, almost like a real drowning victim's strength wanes while fighting off real waves.

But who says the waves of the Dark Presence are less real than those? In some ways, they're more real than anything. Stronger than anything. Stronger than Alan.

But are they stronger than Polaris? The light bursts into Alan's mind, drowning out everything: thoughts, feelings, actions... The darkness can't exist when so much light is present. A switch has been flipped. The Champion of Light is waking up. He looks at Jesse, gray eyes once again locked on green ones. ]

... Jesse?

[ How many times have we done this? Will I stay awake this time? ]

Hi.

It's not taken you, Alan. It stole parts but you're still here. I know it's hard to see... maybe even feel. But, you're a person. Not a part of the Dark Place. It will want you to think it so you stop trying to come home.

[ She frowns slightly. ] There's always a place for you. People are still talking about your disappearance, your books, they even made them into movies. You belong here. Not the Dark Place.

[ A nod. That's not the Polaris she means, but the namesake. The story has tried to remove everything he's ever known about her or her guide. Another smaller realization dawns on her as to why it was so hard to make the story include them. Her guilt stabs her heart.

She can't demand anything from him again.

Her hands grasp onto his arms and try to pull him to the surface once again. Not only to the surface, but onto a dock or a piece of land, whatever it is she is standing on. Her feet sink slightly at the sheer force she needs to exhort to pull him. That's why pulling will only do so much; she needs him to push himself that last bit.

Polaris is only as strong as those things that amplify her are. Jesse is her living source in this reality, but, if there is nothing to build from it all turns into just small waves. She equates to a background energy that exists peacefully with beings that she can harmonize with.

If the Light that bright in Alan's mind? Then it means he far stronger than he ever gives himself credit for. Polaris amplifies that spark to nourish it to be a full light again, but she can only make what's already there louder. Alan just has to realize it.

Jesse stares at him for a moment. Her lip starts to tremble before she bites down on it. Her gaze drops as her head lowers. Hands come to rest on his shoulders to steady him and also give her something to grasp onto for a moment. Her arms shake as she tries to keep herself together. ]

I... I didn't know if it would work. [ A small voice trembling with emotion. ] That Polaris and I could bend the story to... or if you could hear us through the story... [ Her voice breaks and her fingers curl in his bloodied flannel shirt. ] This page--it--us--wasn't in this loop. I didn't know if you'd want...

[ A small broken laugh comes from her as she tries not to break down in tears. ] You're home.

Edited 2023-12-15 21:49 (UTC)

I guess what I have to do is just... just believe you. I can't see it, because it won't let me. It won't let me feel anything but what it wants. [ Horror. Exhaustion. Fear. Nothing good like a certainty of being real. A certainty of anything. ] I don't really know how, because it's hiding that too, but I know you wouldn't lie to me.

[ His words and the thoughts in his mind and the feelings he's having seem to wrestle with each other, and it takes some work to just focus on Jesse's words and try to accept them as truth. ]

It's great that they talk about that stuff still, but the Alan Wake from back then is different from the Alan Wake now. [ I don't even know who he is, not really. ]

Even if I don't really know who I am, would you still welcome me back? [ It's made me forget everything about her. But I'll remember. I have to.

He feels her pulling on him, trying to pull him out of the waves and back onto land. Is he on the shore of Cauldron Lake, or is he dangling off the ledge that he used to dive in, in the first place? Maybe it's a bit of both.

But with the awakening of the light inside his mind, Alan feels ground beneath him again. It's solid, and it's real. Jesse's real. Her hands on him are real. The way he begins to shake with emotion is real. ]

I didn't think it would work. That anything would work. If the story's making me forget, how could I remember something that's not in it? It still feels too good to be true, that the two of you are helping me remember. But...

[ If Jesse and her guide are bending the story, then that means that the eye of the Darkness will be on them both, if it's not already. ]

You know you won't be safe if the Dark Presence sees you. [ He feels her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt, and he leans into that touch in spite of himself. ] It will see you, and- I don't know what it will do.

[ But the part of Alan that loves her and always misses her, no matter how much the story tries to make him forget her, isn't thinking about that. The risk is there, as is the chance of punishment. But Alan's mind is on something else. ]

I always want us to be in the loops. I always want to be with you. But... is indulging my own selfishness worth putting you at risk? [ Maybe that is where they will always disagree. But that's not relevant at the moment. ]

I'm home because of you. Because you brought me here. Woke me up. [ And this time, I want to stay that way as long as possible. Forever, if I can. I'm tired, and just lying down and stopping feels so tempting sometimes, but I can't, can I? Not even if she's here. Am I any closer than I was before? Are we getting closer to the ending? I can't even tell. ] How... how many times are we going to do this?

[ He hasn't yet realized that with statements like that, he's saying he believes her. The story forces him to forget details, things he's done, things he's learned... there's always that feeling of having done something like this before, though, and it's that feeling, maybe helped along by Jesse, that's making him believe her. ]

Edited 2023-12-16 19:24 (UTC)

[ Her expression falls bit by bit as he continues. Not that she is giving up. Hell, no. She isn't. It's just hearing him be so resigned is a horror in its own way. All she can feel is that tug on reality to get her to act or do something a certain way. He's falling into that way reality is being told to bend--the story. Can she really fight the story off for both of them?

All she can is try.

Her hands curl further into his shirt. They bunch the fabric beneath them. Holding onto him and keeping him above the waves of the story. ]

Yes. I will. Because you're Alan. My Alan. And no nightmare dimension is going to change that. Or take it away from me. I'm done with these god damn things taking everything away. It doesn't get to have you.

[ « Fuck the story and the altered reality it's trying to make. It doesn't get to keep him forever. He's not from the Dark Place. He's from HERE. He doesn't belong there. »

She shakes her lowered head. ]

None of us are safe period. If that's the case, then I'm taking what I want. The Dark Presence, Scratch, I don't care who or what it is. It doesn't get to decide MY life. I'll fight it.

[ « And we'll win. Just like with the Hiss. Hartman. »

Her forehead rests against his chest for a moment. That's all she'll allow for the walls to come down. They're not safe here with the sun going down. There isn't time to be unguarded except for this one moment. The one brief blip in time where he can see how scared she is of losing him. Again.

A shaking exhale leaves her. Hands with the bunched up flannel shirt give him a tug to come closer. Just so this once she can lean against him for support. Her shoulders are shaking with the tears she isn't letting out, but Alan can read her like a book.

Ironic, given he's a writer. ]

I want it more than in the loops.

[ The story is still nudging Alan along even though the light switch is still flipped. The light is still very much alive and flooding through Alan's mind; it's not a greedy thing like the Dark Presence. It's inside Alan's mind, but he's still himself, not washed out or swept away. But even then, the story needs Alan to be a certain way, to do certain things, and so it continues to poke and prod at him, and he doesn't resist.

Maybe it's the knowledge that he's written in what he can. Changed what he can. Tried to steer the stories in ways that subtly help him and people like Jesse and Saga. Maybe that's all he can do. Maybe by giving the right ammunition to the right people, the story will eventually play out in a way that sets them all free. Or maybe it doesn't, at least not all of them. Maybe the price is that the right people are freed, but Alan still has consequences that linger even after the story ends.

Maybe the win they're all hoping for is a bittersweet one at best. ]

Your Alan... Am I? I mean- I like how that sounds. Being yours. Being someone's. I know I was someone's once, but... it would be nice to be someone's again.

[ Of course, the Dark Presence hates that and rejects the notion. The menacing, yelling gray face flares up in Alan's mind again, only to be thoroughly pushed out by the light still resonating there. The brightness seems to be dimming, slowly and subtly, but it's still there for now.

The story is still trying to keep Alan carved out; pressed down, not rising to the surface. Drowning.

She'll fight to keep things on her terms. Maybe she'll find a way to get herself out of this. That's good.

Alan doesn't answer, because that feeling of having run out of words has been growing in the back of his mind, and it grows louder now. The spark is still there, and it's still illuminating the spaces inside his mind, but that feeling of resignation is still holding onto him. Maybe he can't help himself, or support himself, but he can still do one thing: be there for her.

It's a contradiction, but maybe he's always been a man of contradictions. He can't be strong for himself anymore, but he can still summon the will to support her like she needs him to. Maybe that's his role now. To not be the hero, but to be one of the people supporting the hero, and then fading into the background when he's not needed.

Or maybe that's just what the story wants him to think. He just can't tell the difference anymore.

Either way, he pulls himself away from thoughts of the impossible story, of the enemies he has to fight, and he simply leans in closer, arms moving to wrap themselves around her and draw her in. If he can't be strong for himself, then he can be that for her. Her pillar. His hands move again, this time coming to rest against her shoulders that are shaking. She doesn't need to rein in her reactions, but he does want her to know that he's there. ]

Maybe we'll have that... time together that's not in a loop. [ Or maybe we won't. I can't see how this is going to end. ] But- at least for right now, I'm right here.

[ His hand moves again, and this time, it comes to a stop against the back of her head, his fingers moving to lightly stroke the red hair there, hoping it gives her the support she seems to need.

The Dark Presence seems to pop back up then, sounding like an angry hum, but Alan tries to squash that down. It's not the time for it to show up. Not that there ever is a good time for it. ]

Edited 2023-12-16 21:28 (UTC)

[ Polaris hums through the hands of her amplifier. The fact they are bunched up hardly matters. The resonance is interwoven with Jesse to the point that simply being alive resonates through everything. The light is on in Alan's mind, and so, Polaris resonates with it; attempting to harmonize. She already beats through the whole Station thanks to the two control points.

Jesse can feel the tug on reality that the story has. She ignores it. Makes it bend where she wants. Alan has to be awake to change the ending. She'll do everything to wake him up--even if he hates her for it in the end. ]

I've called you it before. Remember? We were with you in your room. Helping you wake up. [ She pauses. ] I told you I was waiting for you to come home. Even if no one else was anymore. I am... waiting for my writer to come home from the night.

[ Her eyes close at the feeling of his arms around her. It brings back memories of other loops: the few they had managed to be together in. Just Alan and Jesse. Motel rooms they used to hide away from the world for a few hours. She melts into his arms. God, she has missed him so much. ]

You said you'd fight to keep me with you. [ Jesse shuts her eyes and inhales then. She steels herself, letting her shoulders square once more. ] You'd keep fighting to stay with me. You called me yours. You wouldn't let go.

[ While he may not remember the exchange in the Dark Place, she hopes it shows she heard him. Listened to everything he ever said. Responding to it... having the right words is something else.

Jesse finally raises her head to look at hi. She moves only enough needed--never breaking his hold on her--and placing her hands on either side of his face once more. Green eyes gaze into gray and the gravitational pull that seems so natural to him replaces the tug on reality from the story. The pull may cause her to spiral into him, but she wouldn't mind if it's truly just them. ]

I'll keep waking you up. As many times as you need it. [ She hesitates, but presses on. ] Are you really awake? I mean awake. Or, am I just how the story wants you to see me?

[ « Does he need more to be awake like he was in the Writer's Room? Does the stoey still control him? » ]

[ The light is dimming and Alan can feel the darkness seeping back into his mind, and the feel of it stirs back up the fear he has of losing himself again. Of falling back asleep and not waking up again no matter how hard Jesse tries to keep him with her. The light is still trying to resonate with Polaris but Alan's just along for the ride, with most of his focus on trying to tune it the roar of the darkness. ]

I'm trying to remember. It's there, I can feel it but it's hiding from me. I can feel you. I want to feel you, to remember... It isn't fair if you're the only one who remembers.

[ If it wasn't ridiculous and even pathetic, because I should be able to do this on my own... I'd ask her to save me. To help me. But why do I need to? She's here, she's trying to help. I just need to focus on that. I don't need to ask her anything, when she's already giving me everything. ]

I'll... I'll come home one day. Somehow. Soon. I hope it's soon.

[ This has to end soon. It can't keep going forever. ]

I don't want to let go. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine.

[ He's trying to encourage her with his hold and his touches. Just because he might be beyond encouraging himself doesn't mean she is. He won't stop trying to encourage her. She can still fight. She still has a future. ]

If it becomes too much, if you can't do it anymore, you can stop. I don't- I don't expect more from you than what you've done already. It... it means everything to me, Jesse.

[ Emotion chokes his voice but he keeps pushing on. ]

I'm awake. I feel... clear headed. Awake. You did it again. The story is still trying to pull me down but I don't want to let it. I don't want to be pulled away from you.

You said there's still a fight coming, didn't you? [ There's always a fight. It never ends. As long as the darkness exists, it won't end. ]

Edited 2023-12-18 07:09 (UTC)

[ A certain sad look crosses her eyes. One that speaks of knowing just how unfair life is. Not only that, but that she is used to how unfair it all is. So much of her life has been that way. This is the one thing she had hoped wouldn't be unfair. ]

Soon could be now. This could be the final time around. That's why I need you here with me. We may have all the pieces we need go end the story and keep you home.

[ Her fingers brush along his beard again. Hopefully they make it through the night. They may still see Saga and she can work with the FBI agent. Polaris and her guiding both of them.

It's the only way she can think to try and change aspects of the story while ultimately making it to along the path to change its outcome. Jesse has had the feeling for some time now that she can't change the ending or influence it. Only Alan, and maybe Saga, can do that. They are the main roles in the story. Jesse is only there as an important side role, propping up Alan and trying to help him fight against the Dark Presence. She's fine with that, as this isn't fully her fight. Now, it's simply finding a way to make things work and change in that role.

She shakes her head slightly. ] You don't need to want, Alan. You already have it.

[ Jesse guides him into a passionate kiss. She isn't new to any of this. The gray eyes are starting to darken and she knows what that means. He'll be washed out with no idea who she is. He'll forget any of this happened. Somehow, someway, she needs to keep him here with her. Somehow.

She hopes that now he can feel her. Polaris. The hum that makes the light louder. Polaris can only boost what Alan had inside him. Hopefully that will be enough. It doesn't feel it will be. This time feels so much more dire than the other times around. ]

Edited 2023-12-18 17:32 (UTC)

[ The sad look in Jesse's eyes reflects the look of desperation that's flaring in Alan's eyes. It's desperation, worry, and sadness all wrapped up in one. He wants to be free of this, so he can finally come home to her as he's promised- a promise that the darkness is trying very hard to make him forget. It's that desperation that makes Alan's hold on her tighten. Not uncomfortably, but he has this driving feeling that he wants to hold onto her and not let go. ]

If it's the last time around... God, I hope it is. I- [ Alan's gaze falls and a clear sense of weariness seems to land on his shoulders. He's not even sure what the difference is this time, because the memories of the past times going through the loops are also being hidden from him, but there's a resignation clinging to him that he can't shake off. He's not giving up, or out of fight just yet, but the temptation to just lie down and stop is stronger than ever.

Having Jesse here helps; he won't have her thinking it doesn't. It's just the lure and enticement of the Dark Presence is persistent. His eyes close for a moment when her fingers brush against his beard. For some reason, he likes the feeling of that touch, although she could touch his arms or hands and he'd have the same reaction.

If Alan knew what Jesse was thinking, he would say he feels like less of a main role, and more like someone being pushed along or steered in certain directions because it's what the story wants. Maybe he fought more in the beginning, but now it feels to him that he's stuck in a current that's taking him wherever it wants to go. He knows he needs to remember how to swim, but he's starting to forget even that. ]

I want to believe I have it. To know I have it. [ His expression darkens, but it's coming from him, not the darkness in his mind. ] Screw this story and this darkness. It's trying to take everything from me. [ Frustration and a very thinly veiled burst of anger and determination sounds in Alan's voice.

He relaxes again when Jesse kisses him. She's always had that effect on him, even in their more emotionally charged and passionate moments that he barely remembers. She grounds him, calms him when he's spiraling. Now is no different.

The light flares again in Alan's mind, somewhat like a flickering lightbulb that isn't quite ready to burn out. Polaris' resonance is still working for now. As long as Alan can hold onto it, maybe the light won't burn out again. ]

[ The resignation makes her frown deepens.

« Is this Alan giving up, or is it the story making him feel this way? I can't tell. Both seem so plausible after how long hes been fighting it: the Dark Presence. Maybe that's why I can't tell the difference. Alan said it had to be believable to come true, right? This must be one of those things. He can see himself giving up so the Dark Presence is making it happen through the story.

Then what am I supposed to do? What can I do? If the original purpose for me being in this story is erased from his memory... what do I do then? »

She can't see how she's been help at all.

« We went to the room he writes stories in. We woke him up. I thought ... I thought it might change things. Make it easier, or even better, for him to find an ending. What if it didn't? I don't think it did. Not the way I thought it would.

Another miss from Jesse Faden, I guess.

Back to the crazy wall. »

A soft look comes to her eyes at the frustrated declaration. It sounds like Alan as he should be. Alan Wake. If he can keep being himself instead of letting the Dark Presence wash him away...

She gently presses her forehead to his when they break the kiss to breathe. ]

It can't become too much, because if it does, then the Dark Presence wins. It gets out into the world. It rewrites everything. That's why I'm here as the Director. I can't let that happen. [ She frowns slightly, leaving the next part implied: with or without you fighting with me. ] You're still the best shot at stopping the story, Alan. Even if the story and yourself tell you otherwise.

I can't pull you out if you let it drag you back in. You won't get out. [ She sighs gently. ] Alan, I--

[ A knock at the door interrupts her. Jesse looks over to the door as she sees the familiar shape of the Ranger Captain. That must mean things are ready. She frowns, glancing to the side, then looking at him. ]

I can't imagine there not being a fight. Polaris and I took this place from the Dark Presence. It's probably pissed.

[ Jesse can't know it, but Alan is having similar thoughts, wondering just how much of this is how he really feels and how much of it is the story nudging him down a path that takes him closer to giving in and giving up control.

I hate this. I hate this story. I hate myself for not being strong enough to control it. To change it into what it needs to be. It's got me thinking I should just give up. Well, I won't.

He doesn't even realize the contradiction present there, because the story doesn't want him to realize it. If he fights back, it can't control or use him. Alan himself can't put a finger on it, but he's caught in the middle between two extremes, and it's all contributing to a state of frustration.

He leans in as they do whenever they press their foreheads together; the action is familiar even with the story trying to force him to forget. But her words wash over him, and something inside him reacts.

So if I give up, if I stop, and the Dark Presence gets out, it's my fault. Maybe it's always been my fault. He got out once, didn't he? Scratch. He took my face and got out. That can't happen again. ]

Am I really, or are you just saying that? Like you said, you're the Director. [ What good am I here? ]

I'm just as powerless as anyone. [ Unless I'm writing. But I'm not writing right now. So what good am I anyway?

He presses more against her, not too hard or they'll both lose their balance, but he just wants to feel her, to be reminded that he's still on solid ground with her, not drifting in the waves. ]

I can't ask you for more than you've already done, and you've done so much. You got me this far. [ He knows he can believe in the words he's speaking. They feel true. They must be true. The Dark Presence can't hide everything from him, even if it's putting up quite the fight.

But the words are on the tip of his tongue, words asking her to not give up, to not let go. He doesn't want to let himself be dragged in, but he still needs her pulling on his hand, pulling him out of the waves if he even hopes to have a chance.

He looks over at the door when he hears the knock, and a look of apprehension mixed with determination crosses his face. If a fight is coming, he's going to be there. He has to be. ]

I'm not letting you fight alone. Even if you're not really alone.

Edited 2023-12-19 08:14 (UTC)

None of us have the experience or knowledge you do fighting it. We have a handful of documents about the first time in 2010... and whatever the Lake House has been doing. We have the basics, but that doesn't come close to knowing how it works or thinks. That's how I see it as me AND the Director. [ She gently presses her forehead to his. ] You're not useless, Alan. No one else can change the story because we're not artists. You're the Champion of Light. None of us are.

[ The soft expression remains even as he insists he can't ask her more. That's not the reality of the situation.

« I'm the Director. If someone can't do it, then, I need to make it happen. I don't want to fight this alone... but maybe I have to. We have to. Just like with the Hiss. You're still in this with me, right? »

Polaris shimmers around her.

« Good... thank you. »

A small smirk tugs at her face at his declaration. It sounds more like himself. The Alan Wake she met the first loop, not the one being carved out. She knows he's exhausted and almost out of the fight. It's why she brushes her fingers along his beard again.

« Just a little more, Alan. I think... it feels like this could be the last one. » ]

You haven't really seen me fight, have you? You better keep an eye on me. I don't do repeat performances. [ A playful look is given to him. ] Unless you wanted a private look at it.

[ The door opens and Steve pokes his head in. He glances at the two and gives a nod. ] They found Casey, Boss. He's down at the morgue getting evaluated. Still no word on Anderson. We good to go in here?

Yeah. Alan will just need a gun. Maybe a few.

I got some. I'm on babysitting duty anyways. Hey, Wake. Any preferences on weapons?

Experience? Knowledge? [ Alan briefly shakes his head, not enough to dislodge the two of them, but it's obvious he doesn't consider what he has as either of those things. ] There's no handbook to tell someone how to navigate the Dark Place. Nothing that describes the Dark Presence or what it does. If I've learned anything at all, it's through trial and error. And... and maybe I don't really know anything.

These loops, all these drafts of my writing, if that's what they are- I don't know if they're needed. It's strange, even bizarre.

[ His eyebrows furrow as something he shouldn't remember prods at his mind again. It's only an impression, a faint memory, and it's one the story is trying to obscure simply because it's not in this story. But some part of Alan's mind retained it for some reason. ]

Masks come off. [ Alan's tone has shifted to something more reminiscent of the tone he used on the hotline calls. ] I- I was talking to someone. I don't remember his name. He said a lot of things about me, about what I'm doing to try and get out. I know how to make things difficult for myself, he said. And- What else... what was it?

[ He has to search to remember, digging deeper to find something that's being hidden from him. ]

Rules. Convoluted loops. Opening doors that he thinks shouldn't be opened. He said some other things, warned me to stay out of his way. But... maybe I don't actually know what I'm doing, and that's why nothing's working. Some things are working, but a lot of things aren't. I don't know.

[ But then, suddenly, he manages a smile for her. It's small, but it's genuine and it softens the look in his eyes as well. ]

When you say it like that, I almost believe it. I almost feel like I can do anything. [ Because she believes I can. She believes I can when I don't know if I even believe in myself.

A quiet sigh escapes him when she runs her fingers against his beard again. The gesture is comforting somehow. It reassures him and soothes his frayed nerves. ]

No, I haven't. [ His smile widens a fraction. ] I'd like to, though. I'd- I'd like to fight alongside you.

[ It's stupid, but Alan wants it. He wants to see her in action, and he wants to be there fighting with her. But then, suddenly, his smile turns into a grin. ]

A private look, huh?

[ He doesn't have time to say more, as they've just been joined by Steve, but he turns to smile at the ranger as well. ]

Hey. [ Babysitting duty? ] No preferences. I'll take whatever you have. A shotgun's fine, but whatever you have that isn't being used. [ Considering it's my fault they're all here. I can't be picky. ]

That's what I'm talking about, Alan. None of these things have handbooks. Despite what we try to do at the Bureau. Your trail and error is more information and ammo than going in blind. [ She gently presses her hands to his cheeks. ] I know you don't believe me. It's obvious. What I don't know is if it's you... or what the story is making you think. But, you've beaten it before. You've won before. You can do it again. You just... need to remember you can.

[ Her head tilts slightly as he speaks. Doors and opening them. Green eyes drift to the side as they do when she's thinking but also listening. Masks--they all have them. Convoluted loops--which they definitely are. She nods slightly.

« Dylan mentioned a "Mr. Door" before... and he feels familiar. Did we meet him? Or, something related to it? It all ends up jumbled up when a new loop starts. It's hard to put it in a straight line. Hard to think about it sometimes. But, I KNOW Dylan mentioned him. What was it? "A dark man in a dark place." Worlds on top of one another. Side by side. Inside one another. »

She tugs him slightly closer at the tone change. He's sounding more like himself as they continue to talk. ]

Dylan mentioned a "Mr. Door" once. Before, well, what happened in the end with the Hiss. He met Mr. Door in a dark place... and he refused to tell Dylan how to go to other places. He wouldn't allow the Hiss to spread. [ Jesse frowns slightly. ] So, he's like some kind of cosmic gatekeeper, I guess.

[ Her eyes snap back to his. ] Back when you had me take care of Hartman. There .... [ she pauses again, shifting how she sits. ] There's a place called the Oceanview Motel, in case you don't remember me mentioning it. It's like every motel everywhere and nowhere at once. Sort of like a dream? Anyways, when you go there, there's a hallway with all these doors with symbols. When I need to get somewhere in the Oldest House through the Motel? It's through the door marked by the Black Pyramid.

But, when I was there because of Hartman? There was another door that was wedged open. Just enough so I could look through it. [ She pauses to make sure he's following what she's saying. ] And, when I did? I saw you through it. Like you looked when you contacted me over the Hotline. A hoodie, tweed jacket, jeans... not as long of hair. You were in this room? With lamps on the walls, and a T.V. to the side, and this big picture of this spiral on it. You were talking to someone too. Someone who called himself Thomas Zane, but he looked just like you.

I couldn't go in. Whenever I leaned forward, the door shut. There was one other time it was wedged open. You were arguing with whoever this "Zane" really is. Working on something with him, but, you disagreed on some aspect of it. [ Then, she presses her finger into his shoulder as if to prod him. ] I think you mentioned something about diving and deeper. Which, I think we can both tell that was probably a stupid idea now.

[ The smile stays on her face. They can fight together. It'd be nice for a change. Maybe it'd help him more, but, she can't promise anything. She feels like it went better last time... or another time. It feels like this is close to the end, but, it also feels worse at the same time. She doesn't get it.

Steve nods, gives a two finger salute to Jesse, then steps back out of the room. Jesse waits until the door closes again before letting out a small sigh. Well, their time together just got dramatically cut down. With another glance at the door, Jesse looks back at him. She presses a kiss to his mouth without warning or build up, a passionate one that she intends entirely to be quick... but most likely won't be. ]

Edited 2023-12-20 05:41 (UTC)

OCEANVIEW III

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