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synthneon2023-12-08 03:31 pm
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-12-08 03:31 pm
oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞
Through the waves, I break
The nightmares finally over
no subject
[ She frowns slightly. ] There's always a place for you. People are still talking about your disappearance, your books, they even made them into movies. You belong here. Not the Dark Place.
[ A nod. That's not the Polaris she means, but the namesake. The story has tried to remove everything he's ever known about her or her guide. Another smaller realization dawns on her as to why it was so hard to make the story include them. Her guilt stabs her heart.
She can't demand anything from him again.
Her hands grasp onto his arms and try to pull him to the surface once again. Not only to the surface, but onto a dock or a piece of land, whatever it is she is standing on. Her feet sink slightly at the sheer force she needs to exhort to pull him. That's why pulling will only do so much; she needs him to push himself that last bit.
Polaris is only as strong as those things that amplify her are. Jesse is her living source in this reality, but, if there is nothing to build from it all turns into just small waves. She equates to a background energy that exists peacefully with beings that she can harmonize with.
If the Light that bright in Alan's mind? Then it means he far stronger than he ever gives himself credit for. Polaris amplifies that spark to nourish it to be a full light again, but she can only make what's already there louder. Alan just has to realize it.
Jesse stares at him for a moment. Her lip starts to tremble before she bites down on it. Her gaze drops as her head lowers. Hands come to rest on his shoulders to steady him and also give her something to grasp onto for a moment. Her arms shake as she tries to keep herself together. ]
I... I didn't know if it would work. [ A small voice trembling with emotion. ] That Polaris and I could bend the story to... or if you could hear us through the story... [ Her voice breaks and her fingers curl in his bloodied flannel shirt. ] This page--it--us--wasn't in this loop. I didn't know if you'd want...
[ A small broken laugh comes from her as she tries not to break down in tears. ] You're home.
no subject
[ His words and the thoughts in his mind and the feelings he's having seem to wrestle with each other, and it takes some work to just focus on Jesse's words and try to accept them as truth. ]
It's great that they talk about that stuff still, but the Alan Wake from back then is different from the Alan Wake now. [ I don't even know who he is, not really. ]
Even if I don't really know who I am, would you still welcome me back? [ It's made me forget everything about her. But I'll remember. I have to.
He feels her pulling on him, trying to pull him out of the waves and back onto land. Is he on the shore of Cauldron Lake, or is he dangling off the ledge that he used to dive in, in the first place? Maybe it's a bit of both.
But with the awakening of the light inside his mind, Alan feels ground beneath him again. It's solid, and it's real. Jesse's real. Her hands on him are real. The way he begins to shake with emotion is real. ]
I didn't think it would work. That anything would work. If the story's making me forget, how could I remember something that's not in it? It still feels too good to be true, that the two of you are helping me remember. But...
[ If Jesse and her guide are bending the story, then that means that the eye of the Darkness will be on them both, if it's not already. ]
You know you won't be safe if the Dark Presence sees you. [ He feels her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt, and he leans into that touch in spite of himself. ] It will see you, and- I don't know what it will do.
[ But the part of Alan that loves her and always misses her, no matter how much the story tries to make him forget her, isn't thinking about that. The risk is there, as is the chance of punishment. But Alan's mind is on something else. ]
I always want us to be in the loops. I always want to be with you. But... is indulging my own selfishness worth putting you at risk? [ Maybe that is where they will always disagree. But that's not relevant at the moment. ]
I'm home because of you. Because you brought me here. Woke me up. [ And this time, I want to stay that way as long as possible. Forever, if I can. I'm tired, and just lying down and stopping feels so tempting sometimes, but I can't, can I? Not even if she's here. Am I any closer than I was before? Are we getting closer to the ending? I can't even tell. ] How... how many times are we going to do this?
[ He hasn't yet realized that with statements like that, he's saying he believes her. The story forces him to forget details, things he's done, things he's learned... there's always that feeling of having done something like this before, though, and it's that feeling, maybe helped along by Jesse, that's making him believe her. ]
no subject
All she can is try.
Her hands curl further into his shirt. They bunch the fabric beneath them. Holding onto him and keeping him above the waves of the story. ]
Yes. I will. Because you're Alan. My Alan. And no nightmare dimension is going to change that. Or take it away from me. I'm done with these god damn things taking everything away. It doesn't get to have you.
[ « Fuck the story and the altered reality it's trying to make. It doesn't get to keep him forever. He's not from the Dark Place. He's from HERE. He doesn't belong there. »
She shakes her lowered head. ]
None of us are safe period. If that's the case, then I'm taking what I want. The Dark Presence, Scratch, I don't care who or what it is. It doesn't get to decide MY life. I'll fight it.
[ « And we'll win. Just like with the Hiss. Hartman. »
Her forehead rests against his chest for a moment. That's all she'll allow for the walls to come down. They're not safe here with the sun going down. There isn't time to be unguarded except for this one moment. The one brief blip in time where he can see how scared she is of losing him. Again.
A shaking exhale leaves her. Hands with the bunched up flannel shirt give him a tug to come closer. Just so this once she can lean against him for support. Her shoulders are shaking with the tears she isn't letting out, but Alan can read her like a book.
Ironic, given he's a writer. ]
I want it more than in the loops.
no subject
Maybe it's the knowledge that he's written in what he can. Changed what he can. Tried to steer the stories in ways that subtly help him and people like Jesse and Saga. Maybe that's all he can do. Maybe by giving the right ammunition to the right people, the story will eventually play out in a way that sets them all free. Or maybe it doesn't, at least not all of them. Maybe the price is that the right people are freed, but Alan still has consequences that linger even after the story ends.
Maybe the win they're all hoping for is a bittersweet one at best. ]
Your Alan... Am I? I mean- I like how that sounds. Being yours. Being someone's. I know I was someone's once, but... it would be nice to be someone's again.
[ Of course, the Dark Presence hates that and rejects the notion. The menacing, yelling gray face flares up in Alan's mind again, only to be thoroughly pushed out by the light still resonating there. The brightness seems to be dimming, slowly and subtly, but it's still there for now.
The story is still trying to keep Alan carved out; pressed down, not rising to the surface. Drowning.
She'll fight to keep things on her terms. Maybe she'll find a way to get herself out of this. That's good.
Alan doesn't answer, because that feeling of having run out of words has been growing in the back of his mind, and it grows louder now. The spark is still there, and it's still illuminating the spaces inside his mind, but that feeling of resignation is still holding onto him. Maybe he can't help himself, or support himself, but he can still do one thing: be there for her.
It's a contradiction, but maybe he's always been a man of contradictions. He can't be strong for himself anymore, but he can still summon the will to support her like she needs him to. Maybe that's his role now. To not be the hero, but to be one of the people supporting the hero, and then fading into the background when he's not needed.
Or maybe that's just what the story wants him to think. He just can't tell the difference anymore.
Either way, he pulls himself away from thoughts of the impossible story, of the enemies he has to fight, and he simply leans in closer, arms moving to wrap themselves around her and draw her in. If he can't be strong for himself, then he can be that for her. Her pillar. His hands move again, this time coming to rest against her shoulders that are shaking. She doesn't need to rein in her reactions, but he does want her to know that he's there. ]
Maybe we'll have that... time together that's not in a loop. [ Or maybe we won't. I can't see how this is going to end. ] But- at least for right now, I'm right here.
[ His hand moves again, and this time, it comes to a stop against the back of her head, his fingers moving to lightly stroke the red hair there, hoping it gives her the support she seems to need.
The Dark Presence seems to pop back up then, sounding like an angry hum, but Alan tries to squash that down. It's not the time for it to show up. Not that there ever is a good time for it. ]
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Jesse can feel the tug on reality that the story has. She ignores it. Makes it bend where she wants. Alan has to be awake to change the ending. She'll do everything to wake him up--even if he hates her for it in the end. ]
I've called you it before. Remember? We were with you in your room. Helping you wake up. [ She pauses. ] I told you I was waiting for you to come home. Even if no one else was anymore. I am... waiting for my writer to come home from the night.
[ Her eyes close at the feeling of his arms around her. It brings back memories of other loops: the few they had managed to be together in. Just Alan and Jesse. Motel rooms they used to hide away from the world for a few hours. She melts into his arms. God, she has missed him so much. ]
You said you'd fight to keep me with you. [ Jesse shuts her eyes and inhales then. She steels herself, letting her shoulders square once more. ] You'd keep fighting to stay with me. You called me yours. You wouldn't let go.
[ While he may not remember the exchange in the Dark Place, she hopes it shows she heard him. Listened to everything he ever said. Responding to it... having the right words is something else.
Jesse finally raises her head to look at hi. She moves only enough needed--never breaking his hold on her--and placing her hands on either side of his face once more. Green eyes gaze into gray and the gravitational pull that seems so natural to him replaces the tug on reality from the story. The pull may cause her to spiral into him, but she wouldn't mind if it's truly just them. ]
I'll keep waking you up. As many times as you need it. [ She hesitates, but presses on. ] Are you really awake? I mean awake. Or, am I just how the story wants you to see me?
[ « Does he need more to be awake like he was in the Writer's Room? Does the stoey still control him? » ]
no subject
I'm trying to remember. It's there, I can feel it but it's hiding from me. I can feel you. I want to feel you, to remember... It isn't fair if you're the only one who remembers.
[ If it wasn't ridiculous and even pathetic, because I should be able to do this on my own... I'd ask her to save me. To help me. But why do I need to? She's here, she's trying to help. I just need to focus on that. I don't need to ask her anything, when she's already giving me everything. ]
I'll... I'll come home one day. Somehow. Soon. I hope it's soon.
[ This has to end soon. It can't keep going forever. ]
I don't want to let go. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine.
[ He's trying to encourage her with his hold and his touches. Just because he might be beyond encouraging himself doesn't mean she is. He won't stop trying to encourage her. She can still fight. She still has a future. ]
If it becomes too much, if you can't do it anymore, you can stop. I don't- I don't expect more from you than what you've done already. It... it means everything to me, Jesse.
[ Emotion chokes his voice but he keeps pushing on. ]
I'm awake. I feel... clear headed. Awake. You did it again. The story is still trying to pull me down but I don't want to let it. I don't want to be pulled away from you.
You said there's still a fight coming, didn't you? [ There's always a fight. It never ends. As long as the darkness exists, it won't end. ]
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Soon could be now. This could be the final time around. That's why I need you here with me. We may have all the pieces we need go end the story and keep you home.
[ Her fingers brush along his beard again. Hopefully they make it through the night. They may still see Saga and she can work with the FBI agent. Polaris and her guiding both of them.
It's the only way she can think to try and change aspects of the story while ultimately making it to along the path to change its outcome. Jesse has had the feeling for some time now that she can't change the ending or influence it. Only Alan, and maybe Saga, can do that. They are the main roles in the story. Jesse is only there as an important side role, propping up Alan and trying to help him fight against the Dark Presence. She's fine with that, as this isn't fully her fight. Now, it's simply finding a way to make things work and change in that role.
She shakes her head slightly. ] You don't need to want, Alan. You already have it.
[ Jesse guides him into a passionate kiss. She isn't new to any of this. The gray eyes are starting to darken and she knows what that means. He'll be washed out with no idea who she is. He'll forget any of this happened. Somehow, someway, she needs to keep him here with her. Somehow.
She hopes that now he can feel her. Polaris. The hum that makes the light louder. Polaris can only boost what Alan had inside him. Hopefully that will be enough. It doesn't feel it will be. This time feels so much more dire than the other times around. ]
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If it's the last time around... God, I hope it is. I- [ Alan's gaze falls and a clear sense of weariness seems to land on his shoulders. He's not even sure what the difference is this time, because the memories of the past times going through the loops are also being hidden from him, but there's a resignation clinging to him that he can't shake off. He's not giving up, or out of fight just yet, but the temptation to just lie down and stop is stronger than ever.
Having Jesse here helps; he won't have her thinking it doesn't. It's just the lure and enticement of the Dark Presence is persistent. His eyes close for a moment when her fingers brush against his beard. For some reason, he likes the feeling of that touch, although she could touch his arms or hands and he'd have the same reaction.
If Alan knew what Jesse was thinking, he would say he feels like less of a main role, and more like someone being pushed along or steered in certain directions because it's what the story wants. Maybe he fought more in the beginning, but now it feels to him that he's stuck in a current that's taking him wherever it wants to go. He knows he needs to remember how to swim, but he's starting to forget even that. ]
I want to believe I have it. To know I have it. [ His expression darkens, but it's coming from him, not the darkness in his mind. ] Screw this story and this darkness. It's trying to take everything from me. [ Frustration and a very thinly veiled burst of anger and determination sounds in Alan's voice.
He relaxes again when Jesse kisses him. She's always had that effect on him, even in their more emotionally charged and passionate moments that he barely remembers. She grounds him, calms him when he's spiraling. Now is no different.
The light flares again in Alan's mind, somewhat like a flickering lightbulb that isn't quite ready to burn out. Polaris' resonance is still working for now. As long as Alan can hold onto it, maybe the light won't burn out again. ]
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« Is this Alan giving up, or is it the story making him feel this way? I can't tell. Both seem so plausible after how long hes been fighting it: the Dark Presence. Maybe that's why I can't tell the difference. Alan said it had to be believable to come true, right? This must be one of those things. He can see himself giving up so the Dark Presence is making it happen through the story.
Then what am I supposed to do? What can I do? If the original purpose for me being in this story is erased from his memory... what do I do then? »
She can't see how she's been help at all.
« We went to the room he writes stories in. We woke him up. I thought ... I thought it might change things. Make it easier, or even better, for him to find an ending. What if it didn't? I don't think it did. Not the way I thought it would.
Another miss from Jesse Faden, I guess.
Back to the crazy wall. »
A soft look comes to her eyes at the frustrated declaration. It sounds like Alan as he should be. Alan Wake. If he can keep being himself instead of letting the Dark Presence wash him away...
She gently presses her forehead to his when they break the kiss to breathe. ]
It can't become too much, because if it does, then the Dark Presence wins. It gets out into the world. It rewrites everything. That's why I'm here as the Director. I can't let that happen. [ She frowns slightly, leaving the next part implied: with or without you fighting with me. ] You're still the best shot at stopping the story, Alan. Even if the story and yourself tell you otherwise.
I can't pull you out if you let it drag you back in. You won't get out. [ She sighs gently. ] Alan, I--
[ A knock at the door interrupts her. Jesse looks over to the door as she sees the familiar shape of the Ranger Captain. That must mean things are ready. She frowns, glancing to the side, then looking at him. ]
I can't imagine there not being a fight. Polaris and I took this place from the Dark Presence. It's probably pissed.
no subject
I hate this. I hate this story. I hate myself for not being strong enough to control it. To change it into what it needs to be. It's got me thinking I should just give up. Well, I won't.
He doesn't even realize the contradiction present there, because the story doesn't want him to realize it. If he fights back, it can't control or use him. Alan himself can't put a finger on it, but he's caught in the middle between two extremes, and it's all contributing to a state of frustration.
He leans in as they do whenever they press their foreheads together; the action is familiar even with the story trying to force him to forget. But her words wash over him, and something inside him reacts.
So if I give up, if I stop, and the Dark Presence gets out, it's my fault. Maybe it's always been my fault. He got out once, didn't he? Scratch. He took my face and got out. That can't happen again. ]
Am I really, or are you just saying that? Like you said, you're the Director. [ What good am I here? ]
I'm just as powerless as anyone. [ Unless I'm writing. But I'm not writing right now. So what good am I anyway?
He presses more against her, not too hard or they'll both lose their balance, but he just wants to feel her, to be reminded that he's still on solid ground with her, not drifting in the waves. ]
I can't ask you for more than you've already done, and you've done so much. You got me this far. [ He knows he can believe in the words he's speaking. They feel true. They must be true. The Dark Presence can't hide everything from him, even if it's putting up quite the fight.
But the words are on the tip of his tongue, words asking her to not give up, to not let go. He doesn't want to let himself be dragged in, but he still needs her pulling on his hand, pulling him out of the waves if he even hopes to have a chance.
He looks over at the door when he hears the knock, and a look of apprehension mixed with determination crosses his face. If a fight is coming, he's going to be there. He has to be. ]
I'm not letting you fight alone. Even if you're not really alone.
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[ The soft expression remains even as he insists he can't ask her more. That's not the reality of the situation.
« I'm the Director. If someone can't do it, then, I need to make it happen. I don't want to fight this alone... but maybe I have to. We have to. Just like with the Hiss. You're still in this with me, right? »
Polaris shimmers around her.
« Good... thank you. »
A small smirk tugs at her face at his declaration. It sounds more like himself. The Alan Wake she met the first loop, not the one being carved out. She knows he's exhausted and almost out of the fight. It's why she brushes her fingers along his beard again.
« Just a little more, Alan. I think... it feels like this could be the last one. » ]
You haven't really seen me fight, have you? You better keep an eye on me. I don't do repeat performances. [ A playful look is given to him. ] Unless you wanted a private look at it.
[ The door opens and Steve pokes his head in. He glances at the two and gives a nod. ] They found Casey, Boss. He's down at the morgue getting evaluated. Still no word on Anderson. We good to go in here?
Yeah. Alan will just need a gun. Maybe a few.
I got some. I'm on babysitting duty anyways. Hey, Wake. Any preferences on weapons?
no subject
These loops, all these drafts of my writing, if that's what they are- I don't know if they're needed. It's strange, even bizarre.
[ His eyebrows furrow as something he shouldn't remember prods at his mind again. It's only an impression, a faint memory, and it's one the story is trying to obscure simply because it's not in this story. But some part of Alan's mind retained it for some reason. ]
Masks come off. [ Alan's tone has shifted to something more reminiscent of the tone he used on the hotline calls. ] I- I was talking to someone. I don't remember his name. He said a lot of things about me, about what I'm doing to try and get out. I know how to make things difficult for myself, he said. And- What else... what was it?
[ He has to search to remember, digging deeper to find something that's being hidden from him. ]
Rules. Convoluted loops. Opening doors that he thinks shouldn't be opened. He said some other things, warned me to stay out of his way. But... maybe I don't actually know what I'm doing, and that's why nothing's working. Some things are working, but a lot of things aren't. I don't know.
[ But then, suddenly, he manages a smile for her. It's small, but it's genuine and it softens the look in his eyes as well. ]
When you say it like that, I almost believe it. I almost feel like I can do anything. [ Because she believes I can. She believes I can when I don't know if I even believe in myself.
A quiet sigh escapes him when she runs her fingers against his beard again. The gesture is comforting somehow. It reassures him and soothes his frayed nerves. ]
No, I haven't. [ His smile widens a fraction. ] I'd like to, though. I'd- I'd like to fight alongside you.
[ It's stupid, but Alan wants it. He wants to see her in action, and he wants to be there fighting with her. But then, suddenly, his smile turns into a grin. ]
A private look, huh?
[ He doesn't have time to say more, as they've just been joined by Steve, but he turns to smile at the ranger as well. ]
Hey. [ Babysitting duty? ] No preferences. I'll take whatever you have. A shotgun's fine, but whatever you have that isn't being used. [ Considering it's my fault they're all here. I can't be picky. ]
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[ Her head tilts slightly as he speaks. Doors and opening them. Green eyes drift to the side as they do when she's thinking but also listening. Masks--they all have them. Convoluted loops--which they definitely are. She nods slightly.
« Dylan mentioned a "Mr. Door" before... and he feels familiar. Did we meet him? Or, something related to it? It all ends up jumbled up when a new loop starts. It's hard to put it in a straight line. Hard to think about it sometimes. But, I KNOW Dylan mentioned him. What was it? "A dark man in a dark place." Worlds on top of one another. Side by side. Inside one another. »
She tugs him slightly closer at the tone change. He's sounding more like himself as they continue to talk. ]
Dylan mentioned a "Mr. Door" once. Before, well, what happened in the end with the Hiss. He met Mr. Door in a dark place... and he refused to tell Dylan how to go to other places. He wouldn't allow the Hiss to spread. [ Jesse frowns slightly. ] So, he's like some kind of cosmic gatekeeper, I guess.
[ Her eyes snap back to his. ] Back when you had me take care of Hartman. There .... [ she pauses again, shifting how she sits. ] There's a place called the Oceanview Motel, in case you don't remember me mentioning it. It's like every motel everywhere and nowhere at once. Sort of like a dream? Anyways, when you go there, there's a hallway with all these doors with symbols. When I need to get somewhere in the Oldest House through the Motel? It's through the door marked by the Black Pyramid.
But, when I was there because of Hartman? There was another door that was wedged open. Just enough so I could look through it. [ She pauses to make sure he's following what she's saying. ] And, when I did? I saw you through it. Like you looked when you contacted me over the Hotline. A hoodie, tweed jacket, jeans... not as long of hair. You were in this room? With lamps on the walls, and a T.V. to the side, and this big picture of this spiral on it. You were talking to someone too. Someone who called himself Thomas Zane, but he looked just like you.
I couldn't go in. Whenever I leaned forward, the door shut. There was one other time it was wedged open. You were arguing with whoever this "Zane" really is. Working on something with him, but, you disagreed on some aspect of it. [ Then, she presses her finger into his shoulder as if to prod him. ] I think you mentioned something about diving and deeper. Which, I think we can both tell that was probably a stupid idea now.
[ The smile stays on her face. They can fight together. It'd be nice for a change. Maybe it'd help him more, but, she can't promise anything. She feels like it went better last time... or another time. It feels like this is close to the end, but, it also feels worse at the same time. She doesn't get it.
Steve nods, gives a two finger salute to Jesse, then steps back out of the room. Jesse waits until the door closes again before letting out a small sigh. Well, their time together just got dramatically cut down. With another glance at the door, Jesse looks back at him. She presses a kiss to his mouth without warning or build up, a passionate one that she intends entirely to be quick... but most likely won't be. ]
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That's not the right question. It's not me asking how I'm supposed to believe you. It's you asking how you're supposed to believe me. An unreliable narrator. [ An unreliable everything.
Alan slides back from her just a pace. He doesn't go too far, only a fraction. But suddenly he's frustrated and suddenly angry; not with her, but with the story that's continuing to screw with him and laugh about it. ]
It's not you. It's- it's everything. The darkness. The Dark Place. I hope some of this helps, but I don't expect it to.
[ He draws a breath then, a shaky one, and then he continues. ]
You think I'm not going in blind? You think I haven't been blocked, turned around, thrown back to the start? We both have been, haven't we? I don't know how many times. I don't know how to beat it. How am I supposed to remember something that's being dangled in front of me but I can't ever reach it? I- I have an idea, but it's just that: an idea. Will I remember it for longer than a second? Who the hell knows.
[ Alan quiets then, having said all of that in a rush of breath. He's still not angry; in fact, saying that was cathartic in a way. It was all thoughts he'd kept inside, and now they're outside for Jesse to react to however she will.
But he isn't quiet for long, as Jesse begins sharing what she knows about the mysterious Door. ]
Door. Yeah, that was it. Mr. Door. It's funny in a not funny way, because he kept talking about doors. He wasn't in a funny mood, and I wasn't laughing. He was angry, and he threatened me. I think if I keep going, he's going to become a problem, or I'm going to become a problem for him if I'm not already. Maybe he'll even become an enemy. I don't want to know what he's going to do. The... the Dark Presence doesn't want to kill me, because then it can't use me. Would he kill me? I don't want to find out.
[ Why are there always new problems? New things working against me. Isn't it already hard enough? ]
Oceanview. The Motel? The Hotel? I don't know which one is which. Thomas Zane. The... the filmmaker? The poet? [ He sounds almost feverish as he tries to chase down the memories as they run away from him. He might not remember it himself, but he might even sound much like he did in that meeting with Zane. ] If I knew anything about this, I must have forgotten it.
[ He flinches a bit when she presses her finger into his shoulder, not expecting the touch. He regrets it as soon as the action happens, but there's no calling it back now. ] Drowning. I'm drowning. I died- No, not again. Not that again. [ The words escape him and he glowers in frustration because of how easily things just slip out of him when he doesn't want them to. ] I- I thought it was what I needed to do. It was a stupid idea. I'd go back and change it if I could. Or would I? Never mind, it doesn't matter now.
[ If she feels they're coming closer to the end, it's more than what Alan feels. He can't see anything more than a long tunnel with no light at the end of it, so maybe Jesse will have to believe in it enough for the both of them.
Steve heads out of the room again, and Alan watches him go before turning back to look at Jesse. He doesn't have time to do or say anything before her lips are on his in a deep, passionate kiss. His hesitation time is almost zero, and he's returning the kiss with a hunger he didn't know he had and absolutely no intention of breaking the kiss anytime soon. ]
no subject
She isn't doing enough to save him and make him see what's so obviously in front of her.
Alan is screwed up, slightly unhinged, unpredictable sometimes with the mood swings. But, when he pulls himself together? He's determined, laser focused, and able to make things happen no one else can do. If only he could see it.
« Maybe that is something thats been an issue longer than him being trapped in the Dark Place. It might not be something I can help with. But, if it's being used to keep him down and under the story... zi don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. »
Her gaze drops as she tries to find an answer. All she can think to do is nod. ]
I know. [ « Trying it this way was a bad idea. It doesn't seem to be helping, even if he says otherwise. » ] And, if this Door tries to kill you? Hell have to go through us.
[ Polaris shimmers I'm agreement around Jesse.
She would interject, but instead, opts to be silent. The stream of consciousness from him doesn't have a point in which she could anyways. Instead, she curls her hands gently into his shoulders to try and ground him once more. He doesn't need to drown or to feel he is. He's awake and in Bright Falls, not the Dark Presence.
He must have forgotten about their time in the Motel. Maybe that means he has forgotten about the charm and key to her apartment as well. It's only fitting. Anything that would make him Alan Wake is being washed away or hidden. She isn't sure how to fight the tide back... if she can at all.
Jesse leans back slightly once he returns the kiss. She adjusts how she sits on the desk. One hand curls at the base of his neck and the other wraps around him. This might be the only chance to be them this loop. Until they beat the story. She's certain this could be the last time around. ]
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[ Frustration is flaring in Alan's eyes, and he feels an overwhelming need to do something. ]
There has to be something I can do. It can't all come from you and Polaris. [ He leans into her again, forehead pressing more against hers. It's their gesture, the thing they do together, and it usually comforts him. That feeling of comfort is less now, but he does the action anyway. It still means something to him.
He leans more into the kiss, not wanting it to end, even if it will inevitably have to. They will have to stop, to come up for air, and more importantly, they'll be needed for the fight that's coming. But he doesn't want to let this chance go. If this is their only time to be together, to be themselves, he's not going to miss this chance. In the back of his mind is another thought, however, and it's a persistent one. He doesn't want to voice it just yet, because that would mean stopping the kiss.
He kisses her again, his lips covering hers as all his hunger and need for this moment with her flows through them both as they kiss. His hand shifts to the side of her neck, fingers lightly curling around it as the kiss continues. He feels breathless, but he's not willing to break the connection yet.
He feels something prodding at his mind, as if that incessant idea that won't go away or fade to the background is stubbornly trying to draw his attention.
Not yet. I don't want to think about that just yet. I feel like it'll work, but it has just as much of a chance of not working. I need- We need this moment, right now, in case this is our last chance. Our last time doing this. The idea can wait. It has to wait. ]
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She presses her forehead back to his. ] I don't... I don't have those answers. I'm just trying to figure out what to do loop after loop.
[ « Does waking him up even help? I still don't know if it helped in the end. In his room, I mean. What happened after I was taken away? Did... did it get him again? »
Jesse knows she can't ask. He can barely remember the proper string of events from 2010 until now. Trying to get him to remember a certain event in the Dark Place is asking too much. Just like when rangers come back from thresholds. It takes time for everything to properly settle. The only problem is that time is something they don't have a lot of.
Yet, she's spending what little moments they have in kissing him.
A pleased low sound comes from her at his hand on the back of her neck. Only loud enough for him to hear. She knows this feeling of hunger and drive--going back to the first loop. It feels almost ingrained in her, or maybe just something else that resonates inside of her. Emotional memories she refused to let go of between loops. The more of an outlier she's become in the story, the easier it's been for her to remember.
Maybe that's by design.
Alan's design.
The arm wrapped around him lowers to his waist. She tugs him closer to her by the belt looped in his jeans. Fingers thread into his hair. Almost as if she's desperate and attempting to speed along some form of intimacy before the others can notice. ]
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That overwhelming sensation that the story doesn't want his ending written grows stronger than ever. He starts to mumble something, something meant to stay inside, but it slips out without him realizing. ]
I have to write it. I have to write in something that lures Scratch in. Traps him. Stops him for good. There's no coming back this time. It has to look like we're both trapped in it, no hope for either of us. It needs to be harsh, dire, almost hopeless, but in appearance only.
[ Alan's expression betrays his confusion. Why would that be written into the story, all but presenting that on a platter for the Dark Presence to take and run away with? Unless... Unless it doesn't work that way, and it's not intended for the Dark Presence to hear. It's for Jesse's ears only. It's still a risk, because if it's in the story, then nothing stops the Dark Presence from seeing it and knowing what he's planning, and that would defeat the entire purpose.
But it sounds vague enough that maybe the Dark Presence won't be able to figure out the specifics. It's a long shot, but maybe it'll work. ]
It's a loophole. [ Not a loop. For once. Will she understand?
Trying to think too long and hard about it makes Alan's head hurt, so for the moment, he leaves the thought where it is and leans into kissing Jesse more. The ease with which they do this feels so natural, like it's something familiar to both of them: as familiar as an old flannel shirt. It's one of the few things that Alan can still remember through all of the loops, and he's glad for it. He'd be happy remembering more, but at least he can hold onto this.
Maybe it's weird to think of it as being thankful to himself for having the story be this way, but... well, apart from Jesse, he hasn't received much thanks for anything.
If no one's giving you a pep talk, might as well give yourself one, right?
The thought makes him smirk a little bit. He feels Jesse tugging on his belt, pulling him in, asking without words for him to come closer. He doesn't hesitate or resist. He wants her. He wants to feel her. He wants her to feel him, so he presses himself against her.
Her fingers twine into his hair, and the sensation makes him melt a little bit, going weak at the knees. But he doesn't stop kissing her. Maybe the only thing that will stop them is Steve coming back around to let them know it's time to get back to work. He knows it's coming, but he hopes it doesn't come too soon. ]
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Her gaze drops to the side with a frown. Just enough go let him know she doesn't like it. What else can they do? Haven't they tried everything else already? Or at least, Alan has tried everything.
« He has to, doesn't he? Scratch wants to become him. He wants to take his place in everything. Alan has to be the one to take him down. » ]
I'd say use us, but, I'm not sure he'd fall for me. [ « Given Scratch seems to hate you. Which means he hates me. »
He leans against her and she adjusts to help prop him up. Knees press it on his sides to steady him even with his reactions to her fingers brushing through his hair. She doesn't mind propping him up. He's written her here for similar things anyways.
She breaks the kiss once more only to take a shaking inhale. Lips ghost over his. Fingers at his belt move along the inner shirt he wears, and thankfully most of it isn't covered in blood or mud. Green eyes raise to find his at the silent questions: How far do you want to go? How far should we?
He might be the better one to ask to be objective at the moment. She wants to press against him, move against him, lose herself for a little while in that gravitational pull. It could help ground him and help him from washing out. Stir up memories and emotions of the few times they have been able to be them.
« We might be a dangerous pair. Not as a duo in battle, but, how easily we can put everything aside. People are waiting on the Director... and all I'm waiting on is to see if he'd say yes. » ]
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How he sees it in his mind's eye is that if he can make it convincing enough, the Dark Presence will think he's given up, that the door is open for him to be taken over. That's the easy part, even if the process of being taken by Scratch or the Dark Presence or whoever won't be great. Nothing about this will, anyway. The tricky part is a little harder, and Alan's still not quite sure how that's going to look. It has to be just right, though, or this whole plan will fall apart.
Could it be as simple as letting Scratch think that he's surrendered entirely to him, handing over control? And when he's let his guard down, if he lets his guard down, that's when he gets put down for good? Maybe if it plays into the idea of the story requiring a sacrifice, a price to be paid, it'll finally succeed. There's way too many "ifs" in this, but it's the only idea Alan has. ]
Even if he would, I wouldn't risk losing you. [ Alan's tone is definite, as if he refuses to accept such a possibility. ] This has just as much of a chance of going wrong as anything.
[ And that scares him more than he wants to admit.
When he leans against her, it's more about there being nothing between them than his need for her support. And if not for the fact that now is very much not the time and place for it, he would consider removing some of their layers. But with a fight on the horizon and agents just outside the door, that's not a good idea.
He shivers in response to her fingers moving along the shirt he wears beneath the flannel. Her touch will always get a reaction from him, but there's times when said touch draws more intense reactions from him unbidden. His eyes shift to meet hers, and he knows what she's asking. Their time might be limited, but he already knows his answer.
He presses himself against her a little more, just to get closer, and he rocks against her once, to say that he wants to go farther. Probably not too far because of time and the presence of others around them, but... they can take a few steps down that road.
His hips rock against hers with a little more force this time; nothing to cause discomfort, but there's more speed behind it than the first one.
This is a strange time to be doing this, but it feels right. I'm certainly not complaining. ]
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Her jaw sets to the side as she looks away. Alan can't forget reading the manuscript page that saw her demise the first time through. She can't forget seeing Saga put Alan down on the shore of Cauldron Lake. He's willing to play with the idea that he might die in all of this, but she's not willing to allow the story to have him.
Then, she frowns more. A small realization dawns on her. ] You already wrote it in... didn't you?
[ She sighs. « it really is Alan--awake and all. He'd only suggest something like this if he was. God, what an asshole. »
Still, now isn't the time to dwell on it. Not when they have such limited time. This loop feels accelerated in some ways. Events happening faster, a quicker pace. Had the Dark Presence gotten tires of the loops as well? Whatever the how and why, she knows having a wandering mind won't keep the time to themselves.
A smile dances on her face as he rocks the first time. Her eyes fall shut. Then, he rocks again. A low quiet sound of approval comes from her then. She leans entirely against him with the amazing ability to ignore the state of his clothes. What matters is the feel of him against her entirely. She melts against him, pressing all she can to his front.
A breath of a kiss goes to his lips again. The hand at his waist trails up his side and down his arm until coming to a stop at his hand. She guides it up, first risking her fingers along his. Then, her head tilts into the raised hand. Her lips ghost along his knuckles first, then turning his hand with the palm facing her. A kiss his given to each finger where the calloused lie from the typewriter. Another pass is made along his fingers before sliding her hand down his front once more to wrap around the belt. ]
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It's not okay. None of this is okay. This goddamned story is forcing my hand.
[ Can't she see that I wouldn't be doing this if I had any other choice? ]
It's not in the story yet. This is just setting the stage, putting the pieces in motion. [ And I hate it. I hate that this is what it's coming down to. I hate that I can't shake off the feeling that it's not going to work. Is that me feeling that, or the story making me feel that way? If it doesn't work, and the worst happens, this might be my last chance to be with her like this...
Alan's hands move again to latch onto her once more, returning to the positions they were in before they fell away: a hand at her neck, the other around her waist. He can feel fear creeping over him again, but he tries his best to keep it out of his expression. Why worry or upset her more than she already is?
A strange thought enters his mind as he notes the way she presses herself against him too, even with his muddied and bloodied clothes.
If things go the way I hope they do, maybe one day, we'll be able to do this, and I won't look like I just crawled out of a hole.
A quiet sigh escapes him in response to the light brush of her lips against his. She knows how to draw reactions from him, how to tease him with those light kisses that leave him wanting more. He'll always want more, he thinks. Not because she'll never satisfy him, but because he loves her so much that he'll always be looking for these moments between them: private moments where they can just be themselves, touching each other and learning all the little intimate details about each other.
Her kisses on his fingers send shivers up his spine, and his hand shakes, not with discomfort but with pleasure. Alan's hand at Jesse's waist slides beneath her jacket, and lightly tugs on the material of her shirt until it manages to slide beneath it as well. Once there, fingers ghost along her side, tracing patterns along the skin as he presses another light kiss to her mouth. ]
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« Breaking out of these loops should be more important than how I feel. The mission, the job... how many times did I have to put finding Dylan to the side at the Oldest House to deal with another crisis along the way. This is the same. Even if I tried to fight it. The town, the FBI Agents, my field agents. They all need to come first before what I want.
In the end, I really am just waiting for them to come home. Dylan and Alan. From... wherever Dylan is, and the night. No matter what powers you help me have, or what the Buearu learns, I can't bring them home. »
Suddenly, her demeanor changes. Her head lowers, forehead pressing lightly to his chin after his light kisses. Eyes fall downcast. An unsettling feeling encompasses her then. This isn't the last loop. This is just setting the stage, putting the pieces in motion. Shifting blocks in the story how they need to be to finally end it. This isn't the last loop, but something about it feels like it will be the last time for them in the story.
« He did what I told him to do... what I demanded him to do. But, it just doesn't work in the story. We went around and around, dragging all of this on, because we wanted to have this despite the horror. It's trapped by the genre. We can have something of it, but not all of it. Just like Saga's family and partner are in danger now. A little bit of what we love, trying to be taken away, and we have to fight for it. Except, Scratch won't let Alan have this, because he wants everything Alan has. Everything he is or could be. »
Alan has already accepted his part in it all. Now, she needs to do the same thing. She hates it. Down to her core--the unordinary girl from Ordinary. She's already lost her parents, her childhood, homes, Dylan, people she tried to save from the Hiss. She doesn't want Alan on that list too. She'll keep fighting the story to make a way to bring him home and keep him here. It just seems by being them isn't the way forward anymore. ]
You can't disappear.
[ The statement may seem from nowhere or out of place. She hopes not. Alan knows her well enough to follow when she says things and doesn't.
She shivers at his fingers along her sides. A reflex follows, rocking against him and a pleased sound despite the tone of her voice. Her fingers weave between the space of the jeans and his undershirt. They lightly move along, teasing, hint and asking for more. She feels the sudden need to have more if this is their last time.
Her head tilts back up to kiss him. Need, hunger, desperation, desire, loneliness all seem to creep into it at once. She deepens the kiss, rocking against him once more, fingers moving to find the buckle on his belt.
« If it's the last time, I don't want more regrets. I don't want to feel like I should have or could have done something. I want to be with my Alan. Even if he doesn't remember it next loop... or once the AWE is finally over. If I can't be with him outside of altered reality... then I want this last time.
Even if he says no--he'll know that I still want it. Him. The life we talked about. » ]
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Stopping means he loses. Maybe the whole world loses. Or reality as they all know it loses. It comes down to the same thing, doesn't it? I have to keep fighting it, keep pushing through, but I'm so tired. No, I just have to remind myself what's waiting at the end of all of this. Jesse's going to be there. The life we talked about is going to be there. I just have to keep reminding myself about that.
But the shift in her demeanour and the way her eyes fall speaks volumes. ]
I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you want. It's not what I want.
[ I want this all to end, but it's not going to for a long time, is it? ]
I wish I could tell you this was it: the end. No more loops, no more anything except me coming home. Coming home to you.
[ He presses his forehead against hers in the way they always do. When he's out of the Dark Place and free of everything, will they still do that? He hopes so. It's them, something they share. And hopefully, they'll have the time to share more things besides, when this is all over. ]
I won't disappear. I won't leave you.
[ His own answer is immediate, said with no hesitation. Her statement doesn't feel strange to him. He knows the tones she uses to convey different things, and he knows what that tone means. It's not a question, but it's a statement of fact while also a sort of demand for reassurance: a promise. A promise that he's coming back home. Alive. Changed, of course, because how could he not be? But the point is that he's going to come home. It's a promise that he'll make as many times as it takes until it finally comes true. ]
There's no way I'm going to disappear. I won't.
[ He leans into the kiss with no hesitation, no regrets. If this is their last time together for awhile (he refuses to accept that it'll be the last time period), he wants to take her breath away and sweep her off her feet. A part of him feels like he has no right to demand anything from her, but in the way he kisses her is need, desperation, and yes, a demand for more. They've crossed that intimate bridge before, whether he remembers it or not, but he wants to cross it again. Maybe they won't be able to go all the way, as time is short, but he wants to go as far as they can.
Maybe in doing so, he's making a promise to her, a commitment, that he's still chasing after that life that they both want: the one they've dreamed of. Maybe it'll finally become a reality. ]
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Her gaze raises as he touches his forehead to hers. She gently presses back. It helps knowing he hates it all as much as she does. While she wouldn't say she is resigned? Jesse definitely feels trapped in what to do. She isn't sure what the best path is or the best scenario is. Does waking him up truly help that much in the story now?
« The end feels close. Even if its not the end I've been fighting for. Reunions never go the way I planned. Why would the ending of this story? It's not Alan's story, it's Scratch's story. »
A sharp inhale comes at his promise. Water pools in her eyes. She didn't expect to react the way she is. Her hands curl into his undershirt once more. She isn't used to promises being made to her. She wants to believe him. Wants to believe in the promise. But, she knows how the Dark Presence washes him away; takes his memories. How can he so confidently make the promise when he may not remember even making it?
His kiss certainly sweeps her odd her feet.
Jesse leans against him entirely, legs circling around him. Her fingers toy along with his belt. Should she do this? She wants to. She wants to make him feel good; give Jim something more than the dark thoughts pressing into his mind. Instead, her hands turn and slide under his shirt, up his back, making it so she can hold onto him properly. It'd be easier against a wall, but they're all covered with something and it would be a bit more obvious to others outside.
If they could go all the way, she would without any hesitation.
His name slips out against his mouth again. ]
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