synthneon | oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞

oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞

OCEANVIEW III

and now i'm wide awake.

Oh, I died like a million times.
Through the waves, I break
The nightmares finally over CODE BY TESSISAMESS

[ The resignation makes her frown deepens.

« Is this Alan giving up, or is it the story making him feel this way? I can't tell. Both seem so plausible after how long hes been fighting it: the Dark Presence. Maybe that's why I can't tell the difference. Alan said it had to be believable to come true, right? This must be one of those things. He can see himself giving up so the Dark Presence is making it happen through the story.

Then what am I supposed to do? What can I do? If the original purpose for me being in this story is erased from his memory... what do I do then? »

She can't see how she's been help at all.

« We went to the room he writes stories in. We woke him up. I thought ... I thought it might change things. Make it easier, or even better, for him to find an ending. What if it didn't? I don't think it did. Not the way I thought it would.

Another miss from Jesse Faden, I guess.

Back to the crazy wall. »

A soft look comes to her eyes at the frustrated declaration. It sounds like Alan as he should be. Alan Wake. If he can keep being himself instead of letting the Dark Presence wash him away...

She gently presses her forehead to his when they break the kiss to breathe. ]

It can't become too much, because if it does, then the Dark Presence wins. It gets out into the world. It rewrites everything. That's why I'm here as the Director. I can't let that happen. [ She frowns slightly, leaving the next part implied: with or without you fighting with me. ] You're still the best shot at stopping the story, Alan. Even if the story and yourself tell you otherwise.

I can't pull you out if you let it drag you back in. You won't get out. [ She sighs gently. ] Alan, I--

[ A knock at the door interrupts her. Jesse looks over to the door as she sees the familiar shape of the Ranger Captain. That must mean things are ready. She frowns, glancing to the side, then looking at him. ]

I can't imagine there not being a fight. Polaris and I took this place from the Dark Presence. It's probably pissed.

[ Jesse can't know it, but Alan is having similar thoughts, wondering just how much of this is how he really feels and how much of it is the story nudging him down a path that takes him closer to giving in and giving up control.

I hate this. I hate this story. I hate myself for not being strong enough to control it. To change it into what it needs to be. It's got me thinking I should just give up. Well, I won't.

He doesn't even realize the contradiction present there, because the story doesn't want him to realize it. If he fights back, it can't control or use him. Alan himself can't put a finger on it, but he's caught in the middle between two extremes, and it's all contributing to a state of frustration.

He leans in as they do whenever they press their foreheads together; the action is familiar even with the story trying to force him to forget. But her words wash over him, and something inside him reacts.

So if I give up, if I stop, and the Dark Presence gets out, it's my fault. Maybe it's always been my fault. He got out once, didn't he? Scratch. He took my face and got out. That can't happen again. ]

Am I really, or are you just saying that? Like you said, you're the Director. [ What good am I here? ]

I'm just as powerless as anyone. [ Unless I'm writing. But I'm not writing right now. So what good am I anyway?

He presses more against her, not too hard or they'll both lose their balance, but he just wants to feel her, to be reminded that he's still on solid ground with her, not drifting in the waves. ]

I can't ask you for more than you've already done, and you've done so much. You got me this far. [ He knows he can believe in the words he's speaking. They feel true. They must be true. The Dark Presence can't hide everything from him, even if it's putting up quite the fight.

But the words are on the tip of his tongue, words asking her to not give up, to not let go. He doesn't want to let himself be dragged in, but he still needs her pulling on his hand, pulling him out of the waves if he even hopes to have a chance.

He looks over at the door when he hears the knock, and a look of apprehension mixed with determination crosses his face. If a fight is coming, he's going to be there. He has to be. ]

I'm not letting you fight alone. Even if you're not really alone.

Edited 2023-12-19 08:14 (UTC)

None of us have the experience or knowledge you do fighting it. We have a handful of documents about the first time in 2010... and whatever the Lake House has been doing. We have the basics, but that doesn't come close to knowing how it works or thinks. That's how I see it as me AND the Director. [ She gently presses her forehead to his. ] You're not useless, Alan. No one else can change the story because we're not artists. You're the Champion of Light. None of us are.

[ The soft expression remains even as he insists he can't ask her more. That's not the reality of the situation.

« I'm the Director. If someone can't do it, then, I need to make it happen. I don't want to fight this alone... but maybe I have to. We have to. Just like with the Hiss. You're still in this with me, right? »

Polaris shimmers around her.

« Good... thank you. »

A small smirk tugs at her face at his declaration. It sounds more like himself. The Alan Wake she met the first loop, not the one being carved out. She knows he's exhausted and almost out of the fight. It's why she brushes her fingers along his beard again.

« Just a little more, Alan. I think... it feels like this could be the last one. » ]

You haven't really seen me fight, have you? You better keep an eye on me. I don't do repeat performances. [ A playful look is given to him. ] Unless you wanted a private look at it.

[ The door opens and Steve pokes his head in. He glances at the two and gives a nod. ] They found Casey, Boss. He's down at the morgue getting evaluated. Still no word on Anderson. We good to go in here?

Yeah. Alan will just need a gun. Maybe a few.

I got some. I'm on babysitting duty anyways. Hey, Wake. Any preferences on weapons?

Experience? Knowledge? [ Alan briefly shakes his head, not enough to dislodge the two of them, but it's obvious he doesn't consider what he has as either of those things. ] There's no handbook to tell someone how to navigate the Dark Place. Nothing that describes the Dark Presence or what it does. If I've learned anything at all, it's through trial and error. And... and maybe I don't really know anything.

These loops, all these drafts of my writing, if that's what they are- I don't know if they're needed. It's strange, even bizarre.

[ His eyebrows furrow as something he shouldn't remember prods at his mind again. It's only an impression, a faint memory, and it's one the story is trying to obscure simply because it's not in this story. But some part of Alan's mind retained it for some reason. ]

Masks come off. [ Alan's tone has shifted to something more reminiscent of the tone he used on the hotline calls. ] I- I was talking to someone. I don't remember his name. He said a lot of things about me, about what I'm doing to try and get out. I know how to make things difficult for myself, he said. And- What else... what was it?

[ He has to search to remember, digging deeper to find something that's being hidden from him. ]

Rules. Convoluted loops. Opening doors that he thinks shouldn't be opened. He said some other things, warned me to stay out of his way. But... maybe I don't actually know what I'm doing, and that's why nothing's working. Some things are working, but a lot of things aren't. I don't know.

[ But then, suddenly, he manages a smile for her. It's small, but it's genuine and it softens the look in his eyes as well. ]

When you say it like that, I almost believe it. I almost feel like I can do anything. [ Because she believes I can. She believes I can when I don't know if I even believe in myself.

A quiet sigh escapes him when she runs her fingers against his beard again. The gesture is comforting somehow. It reassures him and soothes his frayed nerves. ]

No, I haven't. [ His smile widens a fraction. ] I'd like to, though. I'd- I'd like to fight alongside you.

[ It's stupid, but Alan wants it. He wants to see her in action, and he wants to be there fighting with her. But then, suddenly, his smile turns into a grin. ]

A private look, huh?

[ He doesn't have time to say more, as they've just been joined by Steve, but he turns to smile at the ranger as well. ]

Hey. [ Babysitting duty? ] No preferences. I'll take whatever you have. A shotgun's fine, but whatever you have that isn't being used. [ Considering it's my fault they're all here. I can't be picky. ]

That's what I'm talking about, Alan. None of these things have handbooks. Despite what we try to do at the Bureau. Your trail and error is more information and ammo than going in blind. [ She gently presses her hands to his cheeks. ] I know you don't believe me. It's obvious. What I don't know is if it's you... or what the story is making you think. But, you've beaten it before. You've won before. You can do it again. You just... need to remember you can.

[ Her head tilts slightly as he speaks. Doors and opening them. Green eyes drift to the side as they do when she's thinking but also listening. Masks--they all have them. Convoluted loops--which they definitely are. She nods slightly.

« Dylan mentioned a "Mr. Door" before... and he feels familiar. Did we meet him? Or, something related to it? It all ends up jumbled up when a new loop starts. It's hard to put it in a straight line. Hard to think about it sometimes. But, I KNOW Dylan mentioned him. What was it? "A dark man in a dark place." Worlds on top of one another. Side by side. Inside one another. »

She tugs him slightly closer at the tone change. He's sounding more like himself as they continue to talk. ]

Dylan mentioned a "Mr. Door" once. Before, well, what happened in the end with the Hiss. He met Mr. Door in a dark place... and he refused to tell Dylan how to go to other places. He wouldn't allow the Hiss to spread. [ Jesse frowns slightly. ] So, he's like some kind of cosmic gatekeeper, I guess.

[ Her eyes snap back to his. ] Back when you had me take care of Hartman. There .... [ she pauses again, shifting how she sits. ] There's a place called the Oceanview Motel, in case you don't remember me mentioning it. It's like every motel everywhere and nowhere at once. Sort of like a dream? Anyways, when you go there, there's a hallway with all these doors with symbols. When I need to get somewhere in the Oldest House through the Motel? It's through the door marked by the Black Pyramid.

But, when I was there because of Hartman? There was another door that was wedged open. Just enough so I could look through it. [ She pauses to make sure he's following what she's saying. ] And, when I did? I saw you through it. Like you looked when you contacted me over the Hotline. A hoodie, tweed jacket, jeans... not as long of hair. You were in this room? With lamps on the walls, and a T.V. to the side, and this big picture of this spiral on it. You were talking to someone too. Someone who called himself Thomas Zane, but he looked just like you.

I couldn't go in. Whenever I leaned forward, the door shut. There was one other time it was wedged open. You were arguing with whoever this "Zane" really is. Working on something with him, but, you disagreed on some aspect of it. [ Then, she presses her finger into his shoulder as if to prod him. ] I think you mentioned something about diving and deeper. Which, I think we can both tell that was probably a stupid idea now.

[ The smile stays on her face. They can fight together. It'd be nice for a change. Maybe it'd help him more, but, she can't promise anything. She feels like it went better last time... or another time. It feels like this is close to the end, but, it also feels worse at the same time. She doesn't get it.

Steve nods, gives a two finger salute to Jesse, then steps back out of the room. Jesse waits until the door closes again before letting out a small sigh. Well, their time together just got dramatically cut down. With another glance at the door, Jesse looks back at him. She presses a kiss to his mouth without warning or build up, a passionate one that she intends entirely to be quick... but most likely won't be. ]

Edited 2023-12-20 05:41 (UTC)

[ Alan just stares at her then, gray eyes fixed on her green ones. Is it him looking at her or is it the darkness inside him? Even he doesn't know. Sometimes he can tell when his grip is slipping. To him, the darkness feels like a cold hand at his back sometimes. Other times, he can feel a scalding hot breath on the back of his neck. Is it the devil himself coming to call? Maybe. Either way, it's a feeling that makes Alan recoil in horror. ]

That's not the right question. It's not me asking how I'm supposed to believe you. It's you asking how you're supposed to believe me. An unreliable narrator. [ An unreliable everything.

Alan slides back from her just a pace. He doesn't go too far, only a fraction. But suddenly he's frustrated and suddenly angry; not with her, but with the story that's continuing to screw with him and laugh about it. ]

It's not you. It's- it's everything. The darkness. The Dark Place. I hope some of this helps, but I don't expect it to.

[ He draws a breath then, a shaky one, and then he continues. ]

You think I'm not going in blind? You think I haven't been blocked, turned around, thrown back to the start? We both have been, haven't we? I don't know how many times. I don't know how to beat it. How am I supposed to remember something that's being dangled in front of me but I can't ever reach it? I- I have an idea, but it's just that: an idea. Will I remember it for longer than a second? Who the hell knows.

[ Alan quiets then, having said all of that in a rush of breath. He's still not angry; in fact, saying that was cathartic in a way. It was all thoughts he'd kept inside, and now they're outside for Jesse to react to however she will.

But he isn't quiet for long, as Jesse begins sharing what she knows about the mysterious Door. ]

Door. Yeah, that was it. Mr. Door. It's funny in a not funny way, because he kept talking about doors. He wasn't in a funny mood, and I wasn't laughing. He was angry, and he threatened me. I think if I keep going, he's going to become a problem, or I'm going to become a problem for him if I'm not already. Maybe he'll even become an enemy. I don't want to know what he's going to do. The... the Dark Presence doesn't want to kill me, because then it can't use me. Would he kill me? I don't want to find out.

[ Why are there always new problems? New things working against me. Isn't it already hard enough? ]

Oceanview. The Motel? The Hotel? I don't know which one is which. Thomas Zane. The... the filmmaker? The poet? [ He sounds almost feverish as he tries to chase down the memories as they run away from him. He might not remember it himself, but he might even sound much like he did in that meeting with Zane. ] If I knew anything about this, I must have forgotten it.

[ He flinches a bit when she presses her finger into his shoulder, not expecting the touch. He regrets it as soon as the action happens, but there's no calling it back now. ] Drowning. I'm drowning. I died- No, not again. Not that again. [ The words escape him and he glowers in frustration because of how easily things just slip out of him when he doesn't want them to. ] I- I thought it was what I needed to do. It was a stupid idea. I'd go back and change it if I could. Or would I? Never mind, it doesn't matter now.

[ If she feels they're coming closer to the end, it's more than what Alan feels. He can't see anything more than a long tunnel with no light at the end of it, so maybe Jesse will have to believe in it enough for the both of them.

Steve heads out of the room again, and Alan watches him go before turning back to look at Jesse. He doesn't have time to do or say anything before her lips are on his in a deep, passionate kiss. His hesitation time is almost zero, and he's returning the kiss with a hunger he didn't know he had and absolutely no intention of breaking the kiss anytime soon. ]

[ Jesse falls silent, even if Polaris continues to hum. A small part of her recoil inwardly at the vented frustration. She's just good at hiding it behind walls. She knows it's not pointed at her or even because of her. Still, she can't help but feel it's because she can't reach him.

She isn't doing enough to save him and make him see what's so obviously in front of her.

Alan is screwed up, slightly unhinged, unpredictable sometimes with the mood swings. But, when he pulls himself together? He's determined, laser focused, and able to make things happen no one else can do. If only he could see it.

« Maybe that is something thats been an issue longer than him being trapped in the Dark Place. It might not be something I can help with. But, if it's being used to keep him down and under the story... zi don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. »

Her gaze drops as she tries to find an answer. All she can think to do is nod. ]

I know. [ « Trying it this way was a bad idea. It doesn't seem to be helping, even if he says otherwise. » ] And, if this Door tries to kill you? Hell have to go through us.

[ Polaris shimmers I'm agreement around Jesse.

She would interject, but instead, opts to be silent. The stream of consciousness from him doesn't have a point in which she could anyways. Instead, she curls her hands gently into his shoulders to try and ground him once more. He doesn't need to drown or to feel he is. He's awake and in Bright Falls, not the Dark Presence.

He must have forgotten about their time in the Motel. Maybe that means he has forgotten about the charm and key to her apartment as well. It's only fitting. Anything that would make him Alan Wake is being washed away or hidden. She isn't sure how to fight the tide back... if she can at all.

Jesse leans back slightly once he returns the kiss. She adjusts how she sits on the desk. One hand curls at the base of his neck and the other wraps around him. This might be the only chance to be them this loop. Until they beat the story. She's certain this could be the last time around. ]

It's not supposed to be like this. Is it my fault I can't wake up like you need me to be, or is it because of the story? Maybe it doesn't matter. It comes back to the same thing in the end.

[ Frustration is flaring in Alan's eyes, and he feels an overwhelming need to do something. ]

There has to be something I can do. It can't all come from you and Polaris. [ He leans into her again, forehead pressing more against hers. It's their gesture, the thing they do together, and it usually comforts him. That feeling of comfort is less now, but he does the action anyway. It still means something to him.

He leans more into the kiss, not wanting it to end, even if it will inevitably have to. They will have to stop, to come up for air, and more importantly, they'll be needed for the fight that's coming. But he doesn't want to let this chance go. If this is their only time to be together, to be themselves, he's not going to miss this chance. In the back of his mind is another thought, however, and it's a persistent one. He doesn't want to voice it just yet, because that would mean stopping the kiss.

He kisses her again, his lips covering hers as all his hunger and need for this moment with her flows through them both as they kiss. His hand shifts to the side of her neck, fingers lightly curling around it as the kiss continues. He feels breathless, but he's not willing to break the connection yet.

He feels something prodding at his mind, as if that incessant idea that won't go away or fade to the background is stubbornly trying to draw his attention.

Not yet. I don't want to think about that just yet. I feel like it'll work, but it has just as much of a chance of not working. I need- We need this moment, right now, in case this is our last chance. Our last time doing this. The idea can wait. It has to wait. ]

Edited 2023-12-20 20:58 (UTC)

You need to wake up for yourself first, Alan. The rest of us come second. [ Her eyebrows raise slightly with a small smile in her eyes.

She presses her forehead back to his. ] I don't... I don't have those answers. I'm just trying to figure out what to do loop after loop.

[ « Does waking him up even help? I still don't know if it helped in the end. In his room, I mean. What happened after I was taken away? Did... did it get him again? »

Jesse knows she can't ask. He can barely remember the proper string of events from 2010 until now. Trying to get him to remember a certain event in the Dark Place is asking too much. Just like when rangers come back from thresholds. It takes time for everything to properly settle. The only problem is that time is something they don't have a lot of.

Yet, she's spending what little moments they have in kissing him.

A pleased low sound comes from her at his hand on the back of her neck. Only loud enough for him to hear. She knows this feeling of hunger and drive--going back to the first loop. It feels almost ingrained in her, or maybe just something else that resonates inside of her. Emotional memories she refused to let go of between loops. The more of an outlier she's become in the story, the easier it's been for her to remember.

Maybe that's by design.

Alan's design.

The arm wrapped around him lowers to his waist. She tugs him closer to her by the belt looped in his jeans. Fingers thread into his hair. Almost as if she's desperate and attempting to speed along some form of intimacy before the others can notice. ]

[ He falls silent then because it feels as though the words are deserting him again. The words he needs to say, the words he needs to write, if he was writing right now. They're slipping away from him along with the bits and pieces that make him him, and it's the worst timing in the world. He needs those words to fix this. To end this for good. For what he hopes is the last time.

That overwhelming sensation that the story doesn't want his ending written grows stronger than ever. He starts to mumble something, something meant to stay inside, but it slips out without him realizing. ]

I have to write it. I have to write in something that lures Scratch in. Traps him. Stops him for good. There's no coming back this time. It has to look like we're both trapped in it, no hope for either of us. It needs to be harsh, dire, almost hopeless, but in appearance only.

[ Alan's expression betrays his confusion. Why would that be written into the story, all but presenting that on a platter for the Dark Presence to take and run away with? Unless... Unless it doesn't work that way, and it's not intended for the Dark Presence to hear. It's for Jesse's ears only. It's still a risk, because if it's in the story, then nothing stops the Dark Presence from seeing it and knowing what he's planning, and that would defeat the entire purpose.

But it sounds vague enough that maybe the Dark Presence won't be able to figure out the specifics. It's a long shot, but maybe it'll work. ]

It's a loophole. [ Not a loop. For once. Will she understand?

Trying to think too long and hard about it makes Alan's head hurt, so for the moment, he leaves the thought where it is and leans into kissing Jesse more. The ease with which they do this feels so natural, like it's something familiar to both of them: as familiar as an old flannel shirt. It's one of the few things that Alan can still remember through all of the loops, and he's glad for it. He'd be happy remembering more, but at least he can hold onto this.

Maybe it's weird to think of it as being thankful to himself for having the story be this way, but... well, apart from Jesse, he hasn't received much thanks for anything.

If no one's giving you a pep talk, might as well give yourself one, right?

The thought makes him smirk a little bit. He feels Jesse tugging on his belt, pulling him in, asking without words for him to come closer. He doesn't hesitate or resist. He wants her. He wants to feel her. He wants her to feel him, so he presses himself against her.

Her fingers twine into his hair, and the sensation makes him melt a little bit, going weak at the knees. But he doesn't stop kissing her. Maybe the only thing that will stop them is Steve coming back around to let them know it's time to get back to work. He knows it's coming, but he hopes it doesn't come too soon. ]

[ The expression in her eyes is obvious. She doesn't like this idea. Not in the slightest. Using Alan as bait is at the same level as locking him in a cell. It can't do anyone of them any good. She even knows the tone of his voice--narrating, writing, conceptualizing. It's the same tone that came to her on the Hotline.

Her gaze drops to the side with a frown. Just enough go let him know she doesn't like it. What else can they do? Haven't they tried everything else already? Or at least, Alan has tried everything.

« He has to, doesn't he? Scratch wants to become him. He wants to take his place in everything. Alan has to be the one to take him down. » ]

I'd say use us, but, I'm not sure he'd fall for me. [ « Given Scratch seems to hate you. Which means he hates me. »

He leans against her and she adjusts to help prop him up. Knees press it on his sides to steady him even with his reactions to her fingers brushing through his hair. She doesn't mind propping him up. He's written her here for similar things anyways.

She breaks the kiss once more only to take a shaking inhale. Lips ghost over his. Fingers at his belt move along the inner shirt he wears, and thankfully most of it isn't covered in blood or mud. Green eyes raise to find his at the silent questions: How far do you want to go? How far should we?

He might be the better one to ask to be objective at the moment. She wants to press against him, move against him, lose herself for a little while in that gravitational pull. It could help ground him and help him from washing out. Stir up memories and emotions of the few times they have been able to be them.

« We might be a dangerous pair. Not as a duo in battle, but, how easily we can put everything aside. People are waiting on the Director... and all I'm waiting on is to see if he'd say yes. » ]

[ Her expression isn't terribly different from the one reflected in Alan's. He wants to reject the idea, to dismiss it, but he knows he can't. The ending has to be like this, or at least, on this scale. The danger has to be real. The stakes have to be high. But if it fails, then it means that Alan's more than just an asshole. He's the one who will have doomed everyone. He can't be sure what that outcome would look like, if everyone would be dead, or if the story would just go on forever with no ending in sight. Either way, they lose and the darkness wins.

How he sees it in his mind's eye is that if he can make it convincing enough, the Dark Presence will think he's given up, that the door is open for him to be taken over. That's the easy part, even if the process of being taken by Scratch or the Dark Presence or whoever won't be great. Nothing about this will, anyway. The tricky part is a little harder, and Alan's still not quite sure how that's going to look. It has to be just right, though, or this whole plan will fall apart.

Could it be as simple as letting Scratch think that he's surrendered entirely to him, handing over control? And when he's let his guard down, if he lets his guard down, that's when he gets put down for good? Maybe if it plays into the idea of the story requiring a sacrifice, a price to be paid, it'll finally succeed. There's way too many "ifs" in this, but it's the only idea Alan has. ]

Even if he would, I wouldn't risk losing you. [ Alan's tone is definite, as if he refuses to accept such a possibility. ] This has just as much of a chance of going wrong as anything.

[ And that scares him more than he wants to admit.

When he leans against her, it's more about there being nothing between them than his need for her support. And if not for the fact that now is very much not the time and place for it, he would consider removing some of their layers. But with a fight on the horizon and agents just outside the door, that's not a good idea.

He shivers in response to her fingers moving along the shirt he wears beneath the flannel. Her touch will always get a reaction from him, but there's times when said touch draws more intense reactions from him unbidden. His eyes shift to meet hers, and he knows what she's asking. Their time might be limited, but he already knows his answer.

He presses himself against her a little more, just to get closer, and he rocks against her once, to say that he wants to go farther. Probably not too far because of time and the presence of others around them, but... they can take a few steps down that road.

His hips rock against hers with a little more force this time; nothing to cause discomfort, but there's more speed behind it than the first one.

This is a strange time to be doing this, but it feels right. I'm certainly not complaining. ]

But it's okay if I risk losing you. [ The comeback is immediate, biting, defensive, and hurt.

Her jaw sets to the side as she looks away. Alan can't forget reading the manuscript page that saw her demise the first time through. She can't forget seeing Saga put Alan down on the shore of Cauldron Lake. He's willing to play with the idea that he might die in all of this, but she's not willing to allow the story to have him.

Then, she frowns more. A small realization dawns on her. ] You already wrote it in... didn't you?

[ She sighs. « it really is Alan--awake and all. He'd only suggest something like this if he was. God, what an asshole. »

Still, now isn't the time to dwell on it. Not when they have such limited time. This loop feels accelerated in some ways. Events happening faster, a quicker pace. Had the Dark Presence gotten tires of the loops as well? Whatever the how and why, she knows having a wandering mind won't keep the time to themselves.

A smile dances on her face as he rocks the first time. Her eyes fall shut. Then, he rocks again. A low quiet sound of approval comes from her then. She leans entirely against him with the amazing ability to ignore the state of his clothes. What matters is the feel of him against her entirely. She melts against him, pressing all she can to his front.

A breath of a kiss goes to his lips again. The hand at his waist trails up his side and down his arm until coming to a stop at his hand. She guides it up, first risking her fingers along his. Then, her head tilts into the raised hand. Her lips ghost along his knuckles first, then turning his hand with the palm facing her. A kiss his given to each finger where the calloused lie from the typewriter. Another pass is made along his fingers before sliding her hand down his front once more to wrap around the belt. ]

[ Alan's hands drop away from her then, clenching into fists as frustration writes itself across his face. A part of him knew she wouldn't take this well. Why should she? It's not what anyone wants to hear, and yet Alan feels he has no other choice. His back is against the wall, and this is the only move he can think of to make. ]

It's not okay. None of this is okay. This goddamned story is forcing my hand.

[ Can't she see that I wouldn't be doing this if I had any other choice? ]

It's not in the story yet. This is just setting the stage, putting the pieces in motion. [ And I hate it. I hate that this is what it's coming down to. I hate that I can't shake off the feeling that it's not going to work. Is that me feeling that, or the story making me feel that way? If it doesn't work, and the worst happens, this might be my last chance to be with her like this...

Alan's hands move again to latch onto her once more, returning to the positions they were in before they fell away: a hand at her neck, the other around her waist. He can feel fear creeping over him again, but he tries his best to keep it out of his expression. Why worry or upset her more than she already is?

A strange thought enters his mind as he notes the way she presses herself against him too, even with his muddied and bloodied clothes.

If things go the way I hope they do, maybe one day, we'll be able to do this, and I won't look like I just crawled out of a hole.

A quiet sigh escapes him in response to the light brush of her lips against his. She knows how to draw reactions from him, how to tease him with those light kisses that leave him wanting more. He'll always want more, he thinks. Not because she'll never satisfy him, but because he loves her so much that he'll always be looking for these moments between them: private moments where they can just be themselves, touching each other and learning all the little intimate details about each other.

Her kisses on his fingers send shivers up his spine, and his hand shakes, not with discomfort but with pleasure. Alan's hand at Jesse's waist slides beneath her jacket, and lightly tugs on the material of her shirt until it manages to slide beneath it as well. Once there, fingers ghost along her side, tracing patterns along the skin as he presses another light kiss to her mouth. ]

[ The expression on her face seems to be an answer to the question he didn't voice. Yes, she knows the story is forcing his hand. He would write stakes but not impossible ones normally. It doesn't change the fact she hates it. Hates that the story is out of her control; that she can't be the hero he wanted to cast her to be originally. It's not that she doesn't want to be... the story simply won't let her. They can't progress if she is a hero like him and Saga.

« Breaking out of these loops should be more important than how I feel. The mission, the job... how many times did I have to put finding Dylan to the side at the Oldest House to deal with another crisis along the way. This is the same. Even if I tried to fight it. The town, the FBI Agents, my field agents. They all need to come first before what I want.

In the end, I really am just waiting for them to come home. Dylan and Alan. From... wherever Dylan is, and the night. No matter what powers you help me have, or what the Buearu learns, I can't bring them home. »

Suddenly, her demeanor changes. Her head lowers, forehead pressing lightly to his chin after his light kisses. Eyes fall downcast. An unsettling feeling encompasses her then. This isn't the last loop. This is just setting the stage, putting the pieces in motion. Shifting blocks in the story how they need to be to finally end it. This isn't the last loop, but something about it feels like it will be the last time for them in the story.

« He did what I told him to do... what I demanded him to do. But, it just doesn't work in the story. We went around and around, dragging all of this on, because we wanted to have this despite the horror. It's trapped by the genre. We can have something of it, but not all of it. Just like Saga's family and partner are in danger now. A little bit of what we love, trying to be taken away, and we have to fight for it. Except, Scratch won't let Alan have this, because he wants everything Alan has. Everything he is or could be. »

Alan has already accepted his part in it all. Now, she needs to do the same thing. She hates it. Down to her core--the unordinary girl from Ordinary. She's already lost her parents, her childhood, homes, Dylan, people she tried to save from the Hiss. She doesn't want Alan on that list too. She'll keep fighting the story to make a way to bring him home and keep him here. It just seems by being them isn't the way forward anymore. ]

You can't disappear.

[ The statement may seem from nowhere or out of place. She hopes not. Alan knows her well enough to follow when she says things and doesn't.

She shivers at his fingers along her sides. A reflex follows, rocking against him and a pleased sound despite the tone of her voice. Her fingers weave between the space of the jeans and his undershirt. They lightly move along, teasing, hint and asking for more. She feels the sudden need to have more if this is their last time.

Her head tilts back up to kiss him. Need, hunger, desperation, desire, loneliness all seem to creep into it at once. She deepens the kiss, rocking against him once more, fingers moving to find the buckle on his belt.

« If it's the last time, I don't want more regrets. I don't want to feel like I should have or could have done something. I want to be with my Alan. Even if he doesn't remember it next loop... or once the AWE is finally over. If I can't be with him outside of altered reality... then I want this last time.

Even if he says no--he'll know that I still want it. Him. The life we talked about. » ]

[ Suddenly, all Alan feels is an overwhelming urge to just stop. Not here in the loop, but in the room where he writes: to stop writing, to stop editing, to just let things be. Except he did that once, didn't he? He did that, and it ended badly. The darkness took him. It's taken him more than once, and it'll take him again, but he can't willingly let it take hold of him.

Stopping means he loses. Maybe the whole world loses. Or reality as they all know it loses. It comes down to the same thing, doesn't it? I have to keep fighting it, keep pushing through, but I'm so tired. No, I just have to remind myself what's waiting at the end of all of this. Jesse's going to be there. The life we talked about is going to be there. I just have to keep reminding myself about that.

But the shift in her demeanour and the way her eyes fall speaks volumes. ]

I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you want. It's not what I want.

[ I want this all to end, but it's not going to for a long time, is it? ]

I wish I could tell you this was it: the end. No more loops, no more anything except me coming home. Coming home to you.

[ He presses his forehead against hers in the way they always do. When he's out of the Dark Place and free of everything, will they still do that? He hopes so. It's them, something they share. And hopefully, they'll have the time to share more things besides, when this is all over. ]

I won't disappear. I won't leave you.

[ His own answer is immediate, said with no hesitation. Her statement doesn't feel strange to him. He knows the tones she uses to convey different things, and he knows what that tone means. It's not a question, but it's a statement of fact while also a sort of demand for reassurance: a promise. A promise that he's coming back home. Alive. Changed, of course, because how could he not be? But the point is that he's going to come home. It's a promise that he'll make as many times as it takes until it finally comes true. ]

There's no way I'm going to disappear. I won't.

[ He leans into the kiss with no hesitation, no regrets. If this is their last time together for awhile (he refuses to accept that it'll be the last time period), he wants to take her breath away and sweep her off her feet. A part of him feels like he has no right to demand anything from her, but in the way he kisses her is need, desperation, and yes, a demand for more. They've crossed that intimate bridge before, whether he remembers it or not, but he wants to cross it again. Maybe they won't be able to go all the way, as time is short, but he wants to go as far as they can.

Maybe in doing so, he's making a promise to her, a commitment, that he's still chasing after that life that they both want: the one they've dreamed of. Maybe it'll finally become a reality. ]

[ Regardless of how she feels? She and Polaris would find their way back to that room and shake him if he stopped. None of this is what they want or how they want it. That doesn't mean either of them can stop. They simply can't let the Dark Presence into this reality. It would be as catastrophic as the Hiss finding a way out of the Oldest House.

Her gaze raises as he touches his forehead to hers. She gently presses back. It helps knowing he hates it all as much as she does. While she wouldn't say she is resigned? Jesse definitely feels trapped in what to do. She isn't sure what the best path is or the best scenario is. Does waking him up truly help that much in the story now?

« The end feels close. Even if its not the end I've been fighting for. Reunions never go the way I planned. Why would the ending of this story? It's not Alan's story, it's Scratch's story. »

A sharp inhale comes at his promise. Water pools in her eyes. She didn't expect to react the way she is. Her hands curl into his undershirt once more. She isn't used to promises being made to her. She wants to believe him. Wants to believe in the promise. But, she knows how the Dark Presence washes him away; takes his memories. How can he so confidently make the promise when he may not remember even making it?

His kiss certainly sweeps her odd her feet.

Jesse leans against him entirely, legs circling around him. Her fingers toy along with his belt. Should she do this? She wants to. She wants to make him feel good; give Jim something more than the dark thoughts pressing into his mind. Instead, her hands turn and slide under his shirt, up his back, making it so she can hold onto him properly. It'd be easier against a wall, but they're all covered with something and it would be a bit more obvious to others outside.

If they could go all the way, she would without any hesitation.

His name slips out against his mouth again. ]

[ He doesn't want to treat this moment with her as just something to distract him, something that doesn't mean anything. It means everything to him. It's what he wants to be able to have, with nothing coming between them: a life, in the reality they both belong in, not in this hellish story.

As for his promise, maybe he'll forget it, and maybe the Dark Presence will try to keep him from ever remembering it again, but he's not going to let that stop him. She'll know he made it, and he'll make it again as many times as it takes, because he means it. He means it and intends to keep it as best as he can.

He shivers in her hold as desire sweeps over him: desire for her and desire to make this moment last as long as it can. When her hands slide under his shirt and travel up his back, he shivers again with pleasure brought on by her touch. She does make him feel good, and she makes him want to fight to come home. The story might fight him; the Dark Presence certainly will, but at least for now, Alan feels determined to fight both of them so that he can finally be free. This has gone on too long for both of them, and Jesse's waited long enough. He needs to escape the Dark Place and make the ending she's been waiting for a reality.

But they can both work towards making each other feel good, and it's with that thought in mind that Alan's hands at her sides move further up a little at a time, tracing patterns on her skin along the way in an effort to tease out pleasure reactions from her as well. It's not something Alan takes lightly, but he wants this to be as good for her as it is for him. ]

Edited 2023-12-25 02:41 (UTC)

[ She reacts instantly to his light touches. Patterns with no real shape or form being pressed into her skin. A pleased quiet gasp leaves her as she truly does melt against him then. Her chest pressed against his, eyes drifting shut, head lowering to rest in the curve if his neck. Hee fingers even press and curl against his back.

That familiar pull tugs inside her. It demands to be paid attention to. Throw caution to the wind and go for the prize entirely. Have him take hee so she can bring him to the world she exists in. The resonance inside her wants to brighten by him and dominate everything around them. Make the light louder. Blind the darkness with it.

« I want to. I can't. Not here and now. We have to get ready. If we make it througu the night, we can... » ]

Alan...

[ Another sharp knock at the door. Almost as if the story is reasserting itself. What has to be done; the path to walk. Jesse's shoulders sag as a long exhale leaves her. The footsteps walk away, but Jesse knows it's time.

She raises her head up once more to look at him head on. ]

[ He wants more time: more time to touch her and to be touched, to just be together with her before responsibility comes calling. Before the chance of something pulling them apart arises.

He's reacting to her touches, and to the feel of her beneath his own hands, and it should be clear enough how much he desires her. He feels a tug of his own, something demanding his attention. This something doesn't want him to stop, to have his attention shift away to more important, more realistic matters. What could be more realistic than two people wanting each other and not wanting to be separated? And yet duty still calls and won't be ignored. ]

Jesse, I-

[ The knock at the door interrupts him. No, not yet. But we don't have a choice. I don't have a choice.

He looks at her, meeting her gaze, not wanting to look away for even a second. ]

I'm not ready. But we have to be ready, don't we?

[ Her head cants ever so slightly to the side at the sound of her name. He may not finish the statement given duty is calling. Still, she'd like to know what it was. Who knows when they'll be able to have a private moment until this AWE is over.

« This has to be the last time around. It feels like it. Everything is lining up the right way. »

She nods to his question.] Yeah. We do.

[ She goes about moving her hands back and fixing his shirt as best she can. Then fixing her own. Her fingers graze over his, pausing only when she feels the metal ring around his finger. Her eyes dart to it and a complicated set of emotions play out in her eyes before the defensive Director wall comes up.

« It's never going to be easy. »

Jesse turns her gaze back to his and gently places a kiss to his cheek. Her hands go to his elbows once more to guide him backwards in order for her to stand. She nods to the gun she handed to him and gently picks up the manuscript page. It's folded over the crease lines and put back in her vest for safe keeping. ]

I put Steve in charge of keeping an eye out on you. More to keep everyone else happy. There's two defensive points--the front lobby and the parking lot. The weakest spot is the Morgue... given how dark it is. That'd where I'll most likely be. Estevez is in charge of the two defense points... think you can help her out? [ Jesse gives him a small smile. ] Casey is going to be in the Morgue for medical exams... which, is another reason I need to go down. Director overview. That sort of thing.

[ « I won't worry him about the potential fact of Casey being touched by the Dark Presence. He has enough on his plate. I'll handle it. Can you help Alan and Steve if they need it? »

Polaris shimmers. ]

Polaris says she'll help you how she can. And Steve.

[ Alan, meanwhile, is thinking something different... it's similar, but not quite.

What if this is the last time that we get to be together? What if something happens and I never see her again? She'll survive because she has to, but what if I don't? I should say goodbye, if that's the case.

And yet he knows he'll never be able to bring himself to say goodbye. Saying those words aloud would make it seem final, inevitable, and he's not willing to do that. ]

Maybe one day, it can just be the two of us with no interruptions. At least, not these kinds of interruptions.

[ I still want that life that we've talked about, and I hope that one day, we'll have it. But there's a part of me that thinks I'll never actually get to see it. I don't want to think about that, but I can't help it.

Alan sighs and shakes his head briefly as if trying to shake away those unwanted thoughts. He notices where she's looking, noting that she's looking at his ring. Maybe he should take it off. Maybe when this is all over, they should look for rings for both of them. He'd love to put a ring on her finger, as a gesture of how much she means to him.

His eyes briefly close when she kisses his cheek. He wants to remember that feeling for as long as he can. ]

Yeah, I can help her out... but who's going to help you out? Polaris, of course, but...

[ She doesn't have to say anything about Casey or anything else; he's already worrying about her. ]

Are you going to be okay?

"Maybe"? [ Jesse's eyebrows raise slightly to his statement. Her gaze narrows. ] We will have time together. Once the AWE is over. You need to believe it's going to happen to make it happen, Alan.

[ She gently taps his chest as if it to make her point.

As to his question? Jesse gives a smirk. ] Let's hope that Casey is as good as a shot as the one in your books. [ A subtle hint that she's read them--just to remind him. ] Yeah, I'll be fine. I've handled worse than a couple of Taken.

[ Still, Jesse can tell the source of his worry. It's the same as hers. She pauses and places a quick kiss to his lips to help reassure him. Then, she slips off the desk and tugs on his shirt for him to follow after her.

The Director opens the door. Steve looks up and gives a nod, and a sideways glance between the two. Jesse doesn't even acknowledge it. That would just be giving more fuel for him to tease her endlessly with. He really is like a dad sometimes. ]

I'll check in down at the morgue and with Agent Casey. Think you can handle Wake?

[ Steve folds his hands behind his back and pretends to think. ] Not sure. A parautalitarian writer might be a bit more of a handful than a giant mold monster. Or a collective invasive resonance. Or--

Okay, I get it. You're fine. [ Jesse rolls her eyes and looks at Alan. Her hand raises to brush along his in one last comforting gesture before making her way to the other side of the station. ]

I know. I know I have to believe it's a possibility. It's going to happen. [ But the look in his eyes betrays his fear and he doesn't bother hiding it from her. Why would he, when she's seen him at his worst and most afraid already? He wants it to happen, he wants it to come true, but he's still afraid that it never will.

But he still manages a smile when she taps him and then smirks. ]

Let's hope so. I think he is, but- [ The Taken scare Alan too, and he also sees no reason to pretend otherwise. ] What if... What of none of you make it out of this?

[ That'll be my fault too. They'll be dead because of me. Again.

He leans into the kiss even though it's a brief one and it doesn't do much to soothe his nerves or his worries. He can't shake the feeling that this coming fight isn't going to end well, one way or another. He just hopes that if it goes bad, it only takes him out, not the rest of them.

But he doesn't want to let her know that's what he's thinking, so he just follows along when she tugs on his shirt and moves to open the door. ]

I'll do what I can to behave. No causing problems here if I can help it. [ Except he realizes that he just seems to cause problems without even trying. ]

It's going to be fine. [ Now if I can just make myself believe it. ]

[ A gentle look comes to her eyes at his own. She knows. It seems impossible and unlikely to happen, but if they stop trying, then the Dark Pressence wins. It gets out. Which is why she continually says she'll do it on her own if she has to. People can only do so much, and maybe Alan has finally hit his limit after all these years. It's only human.

She's just afraid that she'll lose him to the Dark Presence if he stops.

« We need to speak with Saga when she shows up. If this is as far as Alan can go, then we pass the baton. It's only fair. One man can't do it all. »

She gives a gentle nudge to his chest where she tapped him. ] Some of us may not. That's reality. But, that doesn't mean we can't try. The Buearu studies all these things, but we're also the first line of defense if we can intercept it fast enough. It's our jobs, Alan. Let us do it.

We'd be here investigating it even if the Dark Presence used another creator.

[ Jesse nods to the assignments given and disappears from view. Steve watches her leave, then looks to Alan. A shrug. ]

How much do you remember and how much do I need to fill you in on again?

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