ᴊᴇssᴇ ғᴀᴅᴇɴ | ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᶦʳᵉᶜᵗᵒʳ. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
outlierdirector) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
synthneon2023-12-08 03:31 pm
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-12-08 03:31 pm
oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞
Through the waves, I break
The nightmares finally over
no subject
She presses her forehead back to his. ] I don't... I don't have those answers. I'm just trying to figure out what to do loop after loop.
[ « Does waking him up even help? I still don't know if it helped in the end. In his room, I mean. What happened after I was taken away? Did... did it get him again? »
Jesse knows she can't ask. He can barely remember the proper string of events from 2010 until now. Trying to get him to remember a certain event in the Dark Place is asking too much. Just like when rangers come back from thresholds. It takes time for everything to properly settle. The only problem is that time is something they don't have a lot of.
Yet, she's spending what little moments they have in kissing him.
A pleased low sound comes from her at his hand on the back of her neck. Only loud enough for him to hear. She knows this feeling of hunger and drive--going back to the first loop. It feels almost ingrained in her, or maybe just something else that resonates inside of her. Emotional memories she refused to let go of between loops. The more of an outlier she's become in the story, the easier it's been for her to remember.
Maybe that's by design.
Alan's design.
The arm wrapped around him lowers to his waist. She tugs him closer to her by the belt looped in his jeans. Fingers thread into his hair. Almost as if she's desperate and attempting to speed along some form of intimacy before the others can notice. ]
no subject
That overwhelming sensation that the story doesn't want his ending written grows stronger than ever. He starts to mumble something, something meant to stay inside, but it slips out without him realizing. ]
I have to write it. I have to write in something that lures Scratch in. Traps him. Stops him for good. There's no coming back this time. It has to look like we're both trapped in it, no hope for either of us. It needs to be harsh, dire, almost hopeless, but in appearance only.
[ Alan's expression betrays his confusion. Why would that be written into the story, all but presenting that on a platter for the Dark Presence to take and run away with? Unless... Unless it doesn't work that way, and it's not intended for the Dark Presence to hear. It's for Jesse's ears only. It's still a risk, because if it's in the story, then nothing stops the Dark Presence from seeing it and knowing what he's planning, and that would defeat the entire purpose.
But it sounds vague enough that maybe the Dark Presence won't be able to figure out the specifics. It's a long shot, but maybe it'll work. ]
It's a loophole. [ Not a loop. For once. Will she understand?
Trying to think too long and hard about it makes Alan's head hurt, so for the moment, he leaves the thought where it is and leans into kissing Jesse more. The ease with which they do this feels so natural, like it's something familiar to both of them: as familiar as an old flannel shirt. It's one of the few things that Alan can still remember through all of the loops, and he's glad for it. He'd be happy remembering more, but at least he can hold onto this.
Maybe it's weird to think of it as being thankful to himself for having the story be this way, but... well, apart from Jesse, he hasn't received much thanks for anything.
If no one's giving you a pep talk, might as well give yourself one, right?
The thought makes him smirk a little bit. He feels Jesse tugging on his belt, pulling him in, asking without words for him to come closer. He doesn't hesitate or resist. He wants her. He wants to feel her. He wants her to feel him, so he presses himself against her.
Her fingers twine into his hair, and the sensation makes him melt a little bit, going weak at the knees. But he doesn't stop kissing her. Maybe the only thing that will stop them is Steve coming back around to let them know it's time to get back to work. He knows it's coming, but he hopes it doesn't come too soon. ]
no subject
Her gaze drops to the side with a frown. Just enough go let him know she doesn't like it. What else can they do? Haven't they tried everything else already? Or at least, Alan has tried everything.
« He has to, doesn't he? Scratch wants to become him. He wants to take his place in everything. Alan has to be the one to take him down. » ]
I'd say use us, but, I'm not sure he'd fall for me. [ « Given Scratch seems to hate you. Which means he hates me. »
He leans against her and she adjusts to help prop him up. Knees press it on his sides to steady him even with his reactions to her fingers brushing through his hair. She doesn't mind propping him up. He's written her here for similar things anyways.
She breaks the kiss once more only to take a shaking inhale. Lips ghost over his. Fingers at his belt move along the inner shirt he wears, and thankfully most of it isn't covered in blood or mud. Green eyes raise to find his at the silent questions: How far do you want to go? How far should we?
He might be the better one to ask to be objective at the moment. She wants to press against him, move against him, lose herself for a little while in that gravitational pull. It could help ground him and help him from washing out. Stir up memories and emotions of the few times they have been able to be them.
« We might be a dangerous pair. Not as a duo in battle, but, how easily we can put everything aside. People are waiting on the Director... and all I'm waiting on is to see if he'd say yes. » ]
no subject
How he sees it in his mind's eye is that if he can make it convincing enough, the Dark Presence will think he's given up, that the door is open for him to be taken over. That's the easy part, even if the process of being taken by Scratch or the Dark Presence or whoever won't be great. Nothing about this will, anyway. The tricky part is a little harder, and Alan's still not quite sure how that's going to look. It has to be just right, though, or this whole plan will fall apart.
Could it be as simple as letting Scratch think that he's surrendered entirely to him, handing over control? And when he's let his guard down, if he lets his guard down, that's when he gets put down for good? Maybe if it plays into the idea of the story requiring a sacrifice, a price to be paid, it'll finally succeed. There's way too many "ifs" in this, but it's the only idea Alan has. ]
Even if he would, I wouldn't risk losing you. [ Alan's tone is definite, as if he refuses to accept such a possibility. ] This has just as much of a chance of going wrong as anything.
[ And that scares him more than he wants to admit.
When he leans against her, it's more about there being nothing between them than his need for her support. And if not for the fact that now is very much not the time and place for it, he would consider removing some of their layers. But with a fight on the horizon and agents just outside the door, that's not a good idea.
He shivers in response to her fingers moving along the shirt he wears beneath the flannel. Her touch will always get a reaction from him, but there's times when said touch draws more intense reactions from him unbidden. His eyes shift to meet hers, and he knows what she's asking. Their time might be limited, but he already knows his answer.
He presses himself against her a little more, just to get closer, and he rocks against her once, to say that he wants to go farther. Probably not too far because of time and the presence of others around them, but... they can take a few steps down that road.
His hips rock against hers with a little more force this time; nothing to cause discomfort, but there's more speed behind it than the first one.
This is a strange time to be doing this, but it feels right. I'm certainly not complaining. ]
no subject
Her jaw sets to the side as she looks away. Alan can't forget reading the manuscript page that saw her demise the first time through. She can't forget seeing Saga put Alan down on the shore of Cauldron Lake. He's willing to play with the idea that he might die in all of this, but she's not willing to allow the story to have him.
Then, she frowns more. A small realization dawns on her. ] You already wrote it in... didn't you?
[ She sighs. « it really is Alan--awake and all. He'd only suggest something like this if he was. God, what an asshole. »
Still, now isn't the time to dwell on it. Not when they have such limited time. This loop feels accelerated in some ways. Events happening faster, a quicker pace. Had the Dark Presence gotten tires of the loops as well? Whatever the how and why, she knows having a wandering mind won't keep the time to themselves.
A smile dances on her face as he rocks the first time. Her eyes fall shut. Then, he rocks again. A low quiet sound of approval comes from her then. She leans entirely against him with the amazing ability to ignore the state of his clothes. What matters is the feel of him against her entirely. She melts against him, pressing all she can to his front.
A breath of a kiss goes to his lips again. The hand at his waist trails up his side and down his arm until coming to a stop at his hand. She guides it up, first risking her fingers along his. Then, her head tilts into the raised hand. Her lips ghost along his knuckles first, then turning his hand with the palm facing her. A kiss his given to each finger where the calloused lie from the typewriter. Another pass is made along his fingers before sliding her hand down his front once more to wrap around the belt. ]
no subject
It's not okay. None of this is okay. This goddamned story is forcing my hand.
[ Can't she see that I wouldn't be doing this if I had any other choice? ]
It's not in the story yet. This is just setting the stage, putting the pieces in motion. [ And I hate it. I hate that this is what it's coming down to. I hate that I can't shake off the feeling that it's not going to work. Is that me feeling that, or the story making me feel that way? If it doesn't work, and the worst happens, this might be my last chance to be with her like this...
Alan's hands move again to latch onto her once more, returning to the positions they were in before they fell away: a hand at her neck, the other around her waist. He can feel fear creeping over him again, but he tries his best to keep it out of his expression. Why worry or upset her more than she already is?
A strange thought enters his mind as he notes the way she presses herself against him too, even with his muddied and bloodied clothes.
If things go the way I hope they do, maybe one day, we'll be able to do this, and I won't look like I just crawled out of a hole.
A quiet sigh escapes him in response to the light brush of her lips against his. She knows how to draw reactions from him, how to tease him with those light kisses that leave him wanting more. He'll always want more, he thinks. Not because she'll never satisfy him, but because he loves her so much that he'll always be looking for these moments between them: private moments where they can just be themselves, touching each other and learning all the little intimate details about each other.
Her kisses on his fingers send shivers up his spine, and his hand shakes, not with discomfort but with pleasure. Alan's hand at Jesse's waist slides beneath her jacket, and lightly tugs on the material of her shirt until it manages to slide beneath it as well. Once there, fingers ghost along her side, tracing patterns along the skin as he presses another light kiss to her mouth. ]
no subject
« Breaking out of these loops should be more important than how I feel. The mission, the job... how many times did I have to put finding Dylan to the side at the Oldest House to deal with another crisis along the way. This is the same. Even if I tried to fight it. The town, the FBI Agents, my field agents. They all need to come first before what I want.
In the end, I really am just waiting for them to come home. Dylan and Alan. From... wherever Dylan is, and the night. No matter what powers you help me have, or what the Buearu learns, I can't bring them home. »
Suddenly, her demeanor changes. Her head lowers, forehead pressing lightly to his chin after his light kisses. Eyes fall downcast. An unsettling feeling encompasses her then. This isn't the last loop. This is just setting the stage, putting the pieces in motion. Shifting blocks in the story how they need to be to finally end it. This isn't the last loop, but something about it feels like it will be the last time for them in the story.
« He did what I told him to do... what I demanded him to do. But, it just doesn't work in the story. We went around and around, dragging all of this on, because we wanted to have this despite the horror. It's trapped by the genre. We can have something of it, but not all of it. Just like Saga's family and partner are in danger now. A little bit of what we love, trying to be taken away, and we have to fight for it. Except, Scratch won't let Alan have this, because he wants everything Alan has. Everything he is or could be. »
Alan has already accepted his part in it all. Now, she needs to do the same thing. She hates it. Down to her core--the unordinary girl from Ordinary. She's already lost her parents, her childhood, homes, Dylan, people she tried to save from the Hiss. She doesn't want Alan on that list too. She'll keep fighting the story to make a way to bring him home and keep him here. It just seems by being them isn't the way forward anymore. ]
You can't disappear.
[ The statement may seem from nowhere or out of place. She hopes not. Alan knows her well enough to follow when she says things and doesn't.
She shivers at his fingers along her sides. A reflex follows, rocking against him and a pleased sound despite the tone of her voice. Her fingers weave between the space of the jeans and his undershirt. They lightly move along, teasing, hint and asking for more. She feels the sudden need to have more if this is their last time.
Her head tilts back up to kiss him. Need, hunger, desperation, desire, loneliness all seem to creep into it at once. She deepens the kiss, rocking against him once more, fingers moving to find the buckle on his belt.
« If it's the last time, I don't want more regrets. I don't want to feel like I should have or could have done something. I want to be with my Alan. Even if he doesn't remember it next loop... or once the AWE is finally over. If I can't be with him outside of altered reality... then I want this last time.
Even if he says no--he'll know that I still want it. Him. The life we talked about. » ]
no subject
Stopping means he loses. Maybe the whole world loses. Or reality as they all know it loses. It comes down to the same thing, doesn't it? I have to keep fighting it, keep pushing through, but I'm so tired. No, I just have to remind myself what's waiting at the end of all of this. Jesse's going to be there. The life we talked about is going to be there. I just have to keep reminding myself about that.
But the shift in her demeanour and the way her eyes fall speaks volumes. ]
I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you want. It's not what I want.
[ I want this all to end, but it's not going to for a long time, is it? ]
I wish I could tell you this was it: the end. No more loops, no more anything except me coming home. Coming home to you.
[ He presses his forehead against hers in the way they always do. When he's out of the Dark Place and free of everything, will they still do that? He hopes so. It's them, something they share. And hopefully, they'll have the time to share more things besides, when this is all over. ]
I won't disappear. I won't leave you.
[ His own answer is immediate, said with no hesitation. Her statement doesn't feel strange to him. He knows the tones she uses to convey different things, and he knows what that tone means. It's not a question, but it's a statement of fact while also a sort of demand for reassurance: a promise. A promise that he's coming back home. Alive. Changed, of course, because how could he not be? But the point is that he's going to come home. It's a promise that he'll make as many times as it takes until it finally comes true. ]
There's no way I'm going to disappear. I won't.
[ He leans into the kiss with no hesitation, no regrets. If this is their last time together for awhile (he refuses to accept that it'll be the last time period), he wants to take her breath away and sweep her off her feet. A part of him feels like he has no right to demand anything from her, but in the way he kisses her is need, desperation, and yes, a demand for more. They've crossed that intimate bridge before, whether he remembers it or not, but he wants to cross it again. Maybe they won't be able to go all the way, as time is short, but he wants to go as far as they can.
Maybe in doing so, he's making a promise to her, a commitment, that he's still chasing after that life that they both want: the one they've dreamed of. Maybe it'll finally become a reality. ]
no subject
Her gaze raises as he touches his forehead to hers. She gently presses back. It helps knowing he hates it all as much as she does. While she wouldn't say she is resigned? Jesse definitely feels trapped in what to do. She isn't sure what the best path is or the best scenario is. Does waking him up truly help that much in the story now?
« The end feels close. Even if its not the end I've been fighting for. Reunions never go the way I planned. Why would the ending of this story? It's not Alan's story, it's Scratch's story. »
A sharp inhale comes at his promise. Water pools in her eyes. She didn't expect to react the way she is. Her hands curl into his undershirt once more. She isn't used to promises being made to her. She wants to believe him. Wants to believe in the promise. But, she knows how the Dark Presence washes him away; takes his memories. How can he so confidently make the promise when he may not remember even making it?
His kiss certainly sweeps her odd her feet.
Jesse leans against him entirely, legs circling around him. Her fingers toy along with his belt. Should she do this? She wants to. She wants to make him feel good; give Jim something more than the dark thoughts pressing into his mind. Instead, her hands turn and slide under his shirt, up his back, making it so she can hold onto him properly. It'd be easier against a wall, but they're all covered with something and it would be a bit more obvious to others outside.
If they could go all the way, she would without any hesitation.
His name slips out against his mouth again. ]
no subject
As for his promise, maybe he'll forget it, and maybe the Dark Presence will try to keep him from ever remembering it again, but he's not going to let that stop him. She'll know he made it, and he'll make it again as many times as it takes, because he means it. He means it and intends to keep it as best as he can.
He shivers in her hold as desire sweeps over him: desire for her and desire to make this moment last as long as it can. When her hands slide under his shirt and travel up his back, he shivers again with pleasure brought on by her touch. She does make him feel good, and she makes him want to fight to come home. The story might fight him; the Dark Presence certainly will, but at least for now, Alan feels determined to fight both of them so that he can finally be free. This has gone on too long for both of them, and Jesse's waited long enough. He needs to escape the Dark Place and make the ending she's been waiting for a reality.
But they can both work towards making each other feel good, and it's with that thought in mind that Alan's hands at her sides move further up a little at a time, tracing patterns on her skin along the way in an effort to tease out pleasure reactions from her as well. It's not something Alan takes lightly, but he wants this to be as good for her as it is for him. ]
no subject
That familiar pull tugs inside her. It demands to be paid attention to. Throw caution to the wind and go for the prize entirely. Have him take hee so she can bring him to the world she exists in. The resonance inside her wants to brighten by him and dominate everything around them. Make the light louder. Blind the darkness with it.
« I want to. I can't. Not here and now. We have to get ready. If we make it througu the night, we can... » ]
Alan...
[ Another sharp knock at the door. Almost as if the story is reasserting itself. What has to be done; the path to walk. Jesse's shoulders sag as a long exhale leaves her. The footsteps walk away, but Jesse knows it's time.
She raises her head up once more to look at him head on. ]
no subject
He's reacting to her touches, and to the feel of her beneath his own hands, and it should be clear enough how much he desires her. He feels a tug of his own, something demanding his attention. This something doesn't want him to stop, to have his attention shift away to more important, more realistic matters. What could be more realistic than two people wanting each other and not wanting to be separated? And yet duty still calls and won't be ignored. ]
Jesse, I-
[ The knock at the door interrupts him. No, not yet. But we don't have a choice. I don't have a choice.
He looks at her, meeting her gaze, not wanting to look away for even a second. ]
I'm not ready. But we have to be ready, don't we?
no subject
« This has to be the last time around. It feels like it. Everything is lining up the right way. »
She nods to his question.] Yeah. We do.
[ She goes about moving her hands back and fixing his shirt as best she can. Then fixing her own. Her fingers graze over his, pausing only when she feels the metal ring around his finger. Her eyes dart to it and a complicated set of emotions play out in her eyes before the defensive Director wall comes up.
« It's never going to be easy. »
Jesse turns her gaze back to his and gently places a kiss to his cheek. Her hands go to his elbows once more to guide him backwards in order for her to stand. She nods to the gun she handed to him and gently picks up the manuscript page. It's folded over the crease lines and put back in her vest for safe keeping. ]
I put Steve in charge of keeping an eye out on you. More to keep everyone else happy. There's two defensive points--the front lobby and the parking lot. The weakest spot is the Morgue... given how dark it is. That'd where I'll most likely be. Estevez is in charge of the two defense points... think you can help her out? [ Jesse gives him a small smile. ] Casey is going to be in the Morgue for medical exams... which, is another reason I need to go down. Director overview. That sort of thing.
[ « I won't worry him about the potential fact of Casey being touched by the Dark Presence. He has enough on his plate. I'll handle it. Can you help Alan and Steve if they need it? »
Polaris shimmers. ]
Polaris says she'll help you how she can. And Steve.
no subject
What if this is the last time that we get to be together? What if something happens and I never see her again? She'll survive because she has to, but what if I don't? I should say goodbye, if that's the case.
And yet he knows he'll never be able to bring himself to say goodbye. Saying those words aloud would make it seem final, inevitable, and he's not willing to do that. ]
Maybe one day, it can just be the two of us with no interruptions. At least, not these kinds of interruptions.
[ I still want that life that we've talked about, and I hope that one day, we'll have it. But there's a part of me that thinks I'll never actually get to see it. I don't want to think about that, but I can't help it.
Alan sighs and shakes his head briefly as if trying to shake away those unwanted thoughts. He notices where she's looking, noting that she's looking at his ring. Maybe he should take it off. Maybe when this is all over, they should look for rings for both of them. He'd love to put a ring on her finger, as a gesture of how much she means to him.
His eyes briefly close when she kisses his cheek. He wants to remember that feeling for as long as he can. ]
Yeah, I can help her out... but who's going to help you out? Polaris, of course, but...
[ She doesn't have to say anything about Casey or anything else; he's already worrying about her. ]
Are you going to be okay?
no subject
[ She gently taps his chest as if it to make her point.
As to his question? Jesse gives a smirk. ] Let's hope that Casey is as good as a shot as the one in your books. [ A subtle hint that she's read them--just to remind him. ] Yeah, I'll be fine. I've handled worse than a couple of Taken.
[ Still, Jesse can tell the source of his worry. It's the same as hers. She pauses and places a quick kiss to his lips to help reassure him. Then, she slips off the desk and tugs on his shirt for him to follow after her.
The Director opens the door. Steve looks up and gives a nod, and a sideways glance between the two. Jesse doesn't even acknowledge it. That would just be giving more fuel for him to tease her endlessly with. He really is like a dad sometimes. ]
I'll check in down at the morgue and with Agent Casey. Think you can handle Wake?
[ Steve folds his hands behind his back and pretends to think. ] Not sure. A parautalitarian writer might be a bit more of a handful than a giant mold monster. Or a collective invasive resonance. Or--
Okay, I get it. You're fine. [ Jesse rolls her eyes and looks at Alan. Her hand raises to brush along his in one last comforting gesture before making her way to the other side of the station. ]
no subject
But he still manages a smile when she taps him and then smirks. ]
Let's hope so. I think he is, but- [ The Taken scare Alan too, and he also sees no reason to pretend otherwise. ] What if... What of none of you make it out of this?
[ That'll be my fault too. They'll be dead because of me. Again.
He leans into the kiss even though it's a brief one and it doesn't do much to soothe his nerves or his worries. He can't shake the feeling that this coming fight isn't going to end well, one way or another. He just hopes that if it goes bad, it only takes him out, not the rest of them.
But he doesn't want to let her know that's what he's thinking, so he just follows along when she tugs on his shirt and moves to open the door. ]
I'll do what I can to behave. No causing problems here if I can help it. [ Except he realizes that he just seems to cause problems without even trying. ]
It's going to be fine. [ Now if I can just make myself believe it. ]
no subject
She's just afraid that she'll lose him to the Dark Presence if he stops.
« We need to speak with Saga when she shows up. If this is as far as Alan can go, then we pass the baton. It's only fair. One man can't do it all. »
She gives a gentle nudge to his chest where she tapped him. ] Some of us may not. That's reality. But, that doesn't mean we can't try. The Buearu studies all these things, but we're also the first line of defense if we can intercept it fast enough. It's our jobs, Alan. Let us do it.
We'd be here investigating it even if the Dark Presence used another creator.
[ Jesse nods to the assignments given and disappears from view. Steve watches her leave, then looks to Alan. A shrug. ]
How much do you remember and how much do I need to fill you in on again?
no subject
No, he knows what he has to do, which is find whatever strength he has left and use that to push through this fight and whatever other fights come after it. The only problem is, finding that strength again is proving harder than he thought it would be.
He's beginning to wonder if it won't really show up to be used until the fight starts and adrenaline starts going. That's how it's worked before, but now he needs it more than ever. There's too much at stake here to just rely on "maybes".
He doesn't have much time to respond before Jesse's disappearing to see to her own tasks, but he just nods. Maybe it's not a nod of agreement and more one of resignation. They all know how to do their jobs; he knows that. It's just that the idea of there being casualties and knowing they're because of him has never sat well with Alan, no matter what people think. Just because it's inevitable and a consequence of there being bad things in the world doesn't mean he finds it easy to accept.
In response to Steve's question, he just shrugs in return. ]
I know enough from hearing the chatter that a fight's coming. It's going to be a big one.
[ What could be more important than that? Anything else isn't important right now. What's important is surviving this. ]
no subject