dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

[outlierdirector]

DEAD OF NIGHT

Carve the secrets from your bruised still heart.

Shape my story, tear every page apart
Inside this room, you left your mark
I burn away the shadows, I strike a spark CODE BY TESSISAMESS

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[outlierdirector]

I didn't think you would want to be famous. [ Her tone is soft, but not quite vulnerable. Just gentle. She always figured that they would simply have to deal with him bring famous. Disappearing just skyrocketed the fame--as did the Alex Casey movies. ] Then, you write what you want and for you. If you feel like sharing it with the world is something we tackle later.

[ She nods to him meeting Emily. The plan had been to give him the tour of what he could see with clearance and meet her staff. She knows a few of them would be more than excited to meet the famous Alan Wake. He met one--Arish--and hopefully the Head of Security didn't overstep boundaries of make him uncomfortable.

Her head tilts into the hand playing with her hair. She doesn't mind more of it. ]

Oh. [ Jesse nods. She raises her hand and tugs on the bottom of his shirt. ] This is nice. Just ... the rest of it looks like something you wear to promote your books. I'd rather you be comfortable after... everything. That's all.

[ He reaches back to pull her hands away into his. Jesse feels another wave of emotions hit her, and she shower her head on habit of hiding them. Her hands shake slightly in his, torn between letting everything out for him to see, and keeping it locked inside so only she knows. A few more tears escape before she gently shakes her head to try and will them away.

« Maybe he has seen me cry before. I don't... I don't remember. Have I cried in front of him? To him? Why does it feel like I have? It had to be in between the loops... »

It's clear that she doesn't quite believe him. ]

You came home on your own. Somehow. With using this dimension to do it. [ « Alice said he had to do it himself. He had to be the one to bring himself home. He had to make the final choice to save himself. I always had the feeling. I just... I thought I would be the one there... »

Instead, it was the two FBI Agents at the heart of "Return." It made sense. They were the ones most affected by the story; the ones other than Alan that would lose the most to it.

The FBC was just along for the ride. Polaris was there to help stop another entity from coming into their dimension. Her territory, in a way. ]

These things always work with rules and rituals. Even going to the Motel is one. You... you weren't wrong in that regard. You just got lost along the way. [ She frowns bitterly at herself, keeping her head lowered. She just wanted him home. ] I... even with everything I can do, you were still trapped there. Just like Dylan is--wherever he is. I can do all these crazy amazing things but bring you both back home.

[ « Sometimes, I just feel like I'm still that helpless girl in Ordinary. I just want them both back home. »

Jesse still feels heartbroken in many ways. Alan wasn't the one to do it. In many ways, Alice had done the deed. Not that Jesse hates his ex-wife or resents her for it. Alice told her exactly what she needed to do in order to end "Return" and to bring Alan to a place he could come home. It only meant letting go of control and letting the story play out. Trusting Alan, Saga and Casey to end it.

Watching him leave in the agent's car feels as burned into her memories as anything about Ordinary does.

« I should have gone with him at least. Not just stood there and watched him leave. »

She pulls one hand from his only so she csn reach into the pocket of her dress pants. Hesitation shows, but she pushes past it and pulls out the keychain. The same one she has had from the start of "Return" and will never let go of.

The his and hers Deerfest keychain.

She slides it into his hand before curling hers around them. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

I don't. I don't want it. Part of me thinks people must have forgotten about me by now, but then again, the mysterious disappearance of a well known author is bound to attract attention, like you said. But that's not what I want to be known for either. If I have to be known at all, I don't want it to be because of that.

[ There's another part of him that would be all right with fading into obscurity and just having a quiet life. Maybe it's because he's older now, and maybe it's because he's met Jesse and can already imagine having a life with her. ]

I guess Night Springs would be a good place to start. It would be bringing everything back around full circle. It's going to sound stupid to admit it, but-

[ It sounds stupid in his head, and she's already said what he wants himself, so he shakes his head. ]

Never mind. [ He offers her a small smile even as he takes her hands in his. It hasn't escaped his notice that she's becoming emotional even though she tries to hide it. He notices most details about her, but he also knows that she is a private sort of person. Emotional displays aren't common with her, although he notes they have become a little more frequent as far as he's concerned.

Regardless, he wants to comfort her and reassure her, so he gives her hands a warm squeeze. ]

I never would have done it if you hadn't helped build the foundation for it. You set it up, you and Saga and others along the way. It never would have happened if it weren't for you.

You probably never heard what Door said, or I never told you about it. "All these endless convoluted loops" that I insisted on going through. He was not happy with me, to put it mildly. I think he thought that I drew things out too far and too long, and he was out of patience for it. Everything that's worth having sometimes doesn't come right away, right? I'm home now, I'm not trapped. You helped with that. Dylan will come home too, I'm sure of it.

[ Dylan coming home finally could be the next miracle. The miracle illuminated. I know Jesse deserves to have her brother back. ]

I'm convinced I wouldn't be here without you, Jesse.

[ And nothing she says is going to change his mind. He watches her as she reaches into her pants pocket, pulling something out. When she slides it into his hand, he recognizes the feel of it instantly, and looking at it only confirms what he knew it to be. ]

Deerfest. Our keychain. [ His smile widens as he curls his hand over the keychain and feels her hands curl around his hand and the keychain both. ]

You still have it. [ He's glad she does. He's glad that it didn't get lost in all the loops and reality shifts. ]

[outlierdirector]

Your books also became movies. That didn't help. [ Jesse tries to break the reality of the situation he will be in slowly and as gently as possible. ] We don't have to announce you're back right away. You could even write under a false name. Lots of authors do that, don't they?

Night Springs is definitely popular. Even Saga's daughter watched it. Last time I spoke with them, anyways. It's... been awhile. I tried to give them space. Not everyone is cut out for the way the world is. Saga has more to her than most. That doesn't mean she wants to be apart of the craziness.

[ Her hands squeeze his back as she listens. Door. She has the feeling he will be coming back somehow. Maybe not with Alan, but, with how the Buearu operates. What they do, how they do it. Dylan and Alan have crossed paths with him. She figures she's bound to--even though it feels like she already has. She just can't remember the context. ]

Well, I don't work in whatever way Door wants. Neither does the way any of this works. If we don't operate in the way Altered Items, Objects of Power, and Thresholds do? Then they rampage. Maybe those are the rules he's talking about. It could be anything but... I don't know. I'm not really tempted to find out.

[ Jesse isn't sure she deserves it. Dylan is in the position he is in due to her. She left him behind as a child. It doesn't matter if she has been waiting for five years for him to wake up. She made him wait eighteen years to be found.

It's only fair she waits now.

Jesse offers a small but hesitant smile. She never doubted he would know what the keychain was. Only that he'd have his piece of it. She always figured he wouldn't have it. There is the sense of knowledge that he lost it somewhere between loops and the in between time. Maybe he had forgotten about it so he lost it simply by the knowledge being stolen. She forced herself to understand that. It was hard to accept, just like accepting she wouldn't be the one to bring him home.

Her hand squeezes his again before lowering to rest against his belt. ]

Of course I do. I wasn't going to let the story take you away from me. Not entirely, anyways.

[crazyisinevitable]

[ Alan's trying to keep it together so at least outwardly, it looks like he's not busy panicking about the notion of having fame thrust back at him again. He figures Jesse will see right through his attempts, because they're poor ones at best, but maybe if he can try to cover it up, some of that panic will lessen. ] What would happen if we never announced it at all?

[ I'd get a haircut and a shave, try to blend in when I have to go out... I don't want that anymore.

He hasn't even realized that he's gripping the side of his head with one hand, the action betraying the upset he feels about being forced back into the world of being famous again. For reasons he hardly understands, it's the last thing that he wants. But he manages to pull himself together again although there's a tension in his form that wasn't there before. ]

So... maybe I'll write for Night Springs. It's- It's not that it's easy, but it follows a formula. A script. There's enough of a pattern to it that it's not difficult, but there's still room for branching out. [ He pauses briefly. ] If- if you see Saga before I do, say hi to her.

[ He knows how that admission sounds, that he still doesn't entirely believe he'll be leaving this place with Jesse and the FBC. It'll probably take time for that to sink in, if it does at all. ]

I didn't really pay attention to him at the time, but what if he's right? What if everything I did because I thought it was necessary was actually unnecessary? Did the story have to be a horror story? Did I have to keep looping as many times as I did?

[ I don't know anything.

He realizes too late that he's spinning out even though that's the last thing he wants, and he desperately squeezes her hand to try and ground himself. ]

I never wanted it to take you from me either. [ He manages to say that as he tries to force himself to calm down again. ] Wait, what's-

[ He hadn't noticed before, probably because he was surprised to find himself here, and then he ended up abruptly on the hook, but there's something in his pocket. He reaches for it with his free hand and pulls out the other part of the set. ]

How did that get there?

[ He assumed that it was lost, that he'd probably never see it again. He leans into her touch, the relief he feels at being here with her really starting to sink in now. Well, not just relief, but actually believing that they're finally together... finally able to talk and hold each other and not be interrupted. And even when interruptions inevitably come, Alan's resolved to fight off the more threatening ones in the name of keeping Jesse safe. ]

Something didn't want them separated. Something didn't want us separated either. [ As stupid as that sounds, Alan fully believes in it. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ Most would say her expression is entirely neutral. Alan, however, should be able to see the emotion plain as day. She's worried about him. The fact he still reacts to the public eye the way he does.

« Those old interviews made it seem like he adored the fame. Maybe he did at one point. Until it got too overbearing... until he couldn't have a life of his own. Or, maybe, I'm projecting. » ]

People will find out somehow... it's better if you do it on your own terms. [ Her voice is soft, hesitant, worried she will tip him over the edge. ] If you decide to write again to be published? We'll find a way to make it so it's not like before. Okay?

I doubt I'll be seeing Saga soon.

[ Her expression, however, molds from worry to a sliver of panic at how he begins to spiral. She thought they were done with this. That he wouldn't need to now that the Dark Presence had been pushed out of him.

« How much of his spiraling out was him... and how much was the Dark Presence? »

Her hands remain where they are, eyes only dropping from him as he shuffles in his pocket. They widen at the site of the other half of the keychain. Truthfully? Part of her never expected to see it again. She thought it lost to the waves of the Dark Place.

She always had the silly notion that maybe, somehow, the keychains would lead them back to one another. Obviously it never worked that way. Just a dumb and silly notion from the gift shop of Deerfest. At least, that's what she'd say out loud. Even to Alan. She had kept it a secret from the others in the Oldest House. Even if it is an Altered Item? She couldn't stand the idea of it being locked behind a glass plane like the Typewritten Page or the Thermos.

She had enough things barricading her from Alan.

Her hand curl against his shirt. The other one holding her half shakes gently. ]

I thought you lost it.

[ « I thought they only really mattered to me. »

Polaris shifts, but Jesse's eyes still drift to the side as she feels tears threaten in her eyes again. Part of her believed it didn't matter as much to Alan and that's why he lost it. It was a silly gift from the unordinary girl, so why bother holding onto it?

That was before she saw how the waves washed him out. How he was a little less of Alan every time and more a vessel for the Dark Presence.

The keychain may have meant everything to him and it just wouldn't let him remember it. If he couldn't remember, then, he couldn't use it to come home.

Jesse gently places her half into his to complete the keychain. Deer and doe. A hand raises and rests on the side of his face. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ A part of Alan isn't even sure why he's reacting this way. Jesse's right: there was a time when he loved the fame, basked in it. The people clamoring for his autograph, clamoring to ask him questions about his writing process- somehow, it made him feel alive. He liked the attention, but he also liked letting them into the mind of a writer, at least on his terms. There were some things he knew the public wouldn't want to know, but he could tell them about why he wrote, what little rituals he had when he was working on a chapter.

But the thing is, all of that was before the writer's block hit and suddenly, writing didn't come easily or naturally to him anymore, and it scared him. That's when he began to act out, when he became someone he wasn't, someone he didn't like. He's afraid that that person will wake up again, and the lingering effects of the Dark Place will only make his behaviors worse. He won't be that person again; he won't inflict that person on Jesse or anyone else around him. ]

I guess. But a part of me just wants to have a rumor put out there that Alan Wake actually died. He drowned in the lake. Then... then maybe you and I could actually have a life together, without all the insanity that comes from being famous.

[ It's crazy, but he'd go as far as adopting a different name, a pseudonym if he had to give one. Not a full change of name, just a way to keep people off his trail.

Maybe the spiraling was always because of him at the heart of it all. The Dark Presence just used it to its advantage. But Alan's spinning out stops when he finds the keychain and the memories associated with it crash down on top of him again.

They're good memories, memories of Jesse doing her best to keep them together. The keychains are a symbol of them, of their relationship, of Jesse's hope that they'd keep leading them back to each other. Maybe it didn't lead them to each other as quickly as they wanted, but they're here together, aren't they? Alan believes Jesse had as much of a hand in helping him and guiding him on the way as anyone did, even if she believes otherwise.

As always, he leans in closer when he feels her hand curling into his shirt. Maybe it's silly how fast he responds to her touch, but there's just something about it that he loves. ]

I thought that I did too. But I never would have lost it on purpose or forgotten about it. [ He wants her to know that, even if she tells him she knows. He doesn't want her thinking that it meant nothing to him. It did mean everything to him, and it still does. ]

It's complete again, just like we are.

[outlierdirector]

[ Her gaze softens.

« He really wants to avoid fame that much? He'd rather the whole world still think he's dead?

Drowned.

In the lake. »

"Alan Wake is never coming home."

A bolt of fear strikes through her. Her hands curl around him immediately, as if trying to center him and pull him from dark waters threatening to drown him. The reaction isn't something she realizes she has done. Her mind is too busy trying to rationalize what he's said.

« I don't want any part of him drowned out. Washed away by the waves of the lake. He doesn't need to be famous. It's fine. He can do something else. I just thought he'd want to go back to what he loved before all of this. He doesn't have to write ever again.

He can do anything else.

But, he can't drown in the lake. Cauldron Lake can't have him. Even if it's only his name. He's... »

He's mine. Not the lake's. ]

Okay. No writing. No publishing books. We'll find something else. [ She forces her voice to sound even. In control. ] I can't promise it'll be quiet. Not with the Buearu.

[ He leans towards her, using his words like the smith he is. He may not have meant to disarm her, but he always finds the way to do it. The flimsy defense she tried to muster falls almost as if he waved his hand and it was brushed away with the motion.

The keychain meant something to him. The Dark Presence kept it from him so he'd stay lost. Why else would he have lost it?

"It's complete again, just like we are."

Her hands grip tighter. ]

It--it can't have you. Anything of you.

[crazyisinevitable]

No, that's- That's not what I mean. [ If she wasn't holding onto his hands, he'd put his face into them and just try to make sense of the swirling storm of complicated emotions rising in him. ] I love writing, I always have. [ Even though the thought of writing again terrifies me, I want to do it. ]

It's the people, the fans... the reporters. I don't know if I can handle dealing with all of that again. I don't want people to think I'm dead, but I'm not ready for the questions about where I was, what happened to me. [ At the heart of it all, Alan's afraid of having to face the general public again, and the thought of it makes him groan aloud before he can stop himself. ]

I'm sorry, I'm... overreacting. I just have to pull myself together and get over it. [ Easier said than done. ] I'll take it one step at a time, starting with Night Springs. If that's still on the table when I get there.

[ If she or anyone else asked Alan, he'd just say his grasp of words is nothing special. It's an occupational hazard of being a writer. His ability to read a person and know what things to say to elicit reactions isn't something he even thinks of as an ability. He certainly doesn't mean to put Jesse on the spot with it. ]

I said something wrong, didn't I? Not just about the keychain, but about me coming back. I'm not really going to circulate a rumor that I died. [ I lived through dying and coming back and dying again too many times. I might not remember it in explicit detail, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Jury's out on if I'd wish that on my worst enemy, but I'm leaning towards no. And anyway, that rumor probably surfaces on its own from time to time. No point in making people think it's true. I'll tell people that I'm back when I'm ready. ] What's the point of coming home if all I'm going to do is hide?

[ His brave words don't really do anything to lessen his fear or the feeling that dark water is trying to drown him again, but he knows they're true. He just has to accept them. He doesn't feel brave as he clings onto her hands like they're a rope he's holding onto, a rope that's keeping him from slipping beneath the waves. ]

After everything you did to get me here, I won't throw that away. I promise.

[outlierdirector]

[ Jesse falls oddly silent. Not just with Alan, but with Polaris as well. Her lips are pressed tightly together. Her attention is laser focused on everything Alan might say.

She understands it's the fame that brings him down. It almost seemed to choke him no matter when or where they spoke about his writing career. Fame is what broke him and started to break his marriage. Having that hang over him like a looming storm as he steps back into normal life that scares him makes sense. Anxiety. Depression. It seems in so many ways that what caused the original issues still haunts him to some degree.

His battle with fame isn't what scares her.

She could rationalize it in any terms the Buearu could use. The concept of the Dark Presence having any remnant of Alan Wake through the Lake could be just as damaging as a doppleganger made of rumors. Anything that could feed the lake into fiction could end disastrously. Any manuscripts, ideas of stories, any art...

That's not the reality reason.

The very idea of Cauldron Lake keeping anything of Alan terrifies her. Not because of what the Lake could do with it, but because it means apart of Alan never came back. Some part of him remaining in the Dark Place that she can't save. Something of the man she loves dearly lost forever and he'd never recover.

Alan had said that he was a different man than when he jumped into the Lake. How much of that is true? Did the Lake steal everything that made him who he was--or did it just refine what was there to make him better? She can't tell yet.

She's simply scared.

Her hands tremble in his. ]

Cauldron Lake can't have any piece of you. [ She knows she's repeating herself, but she hopes clarifying her statement more helps. ] Not you. Your fame or books. Not your name.

[ Jesse swallows as she suddenly finds it hard to keep her emotions in line. ] It can't have you. You're...

[ You're mine. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ He'd be lying to himself and to her if he said that what he's scared of most isn't the possibility of fame interfering and breaking what they've found together. He is scared of that. He's scared of losing himself again like he did before, but more than that, he's scared of the insanity that is fame becoming so invasive that Jesse decides she can't handle it anymore. He's afraid that she'll decide being associated with Alan Wake isn't worth it anymore. He's not worth it anymore. And, well, given the self criticism that his own mind tends to throw at him, there's a part of him that believes it.

At the heart of it, they just seem to be two scared people who are scared of things a lot bigger than both of them. But bigger doesn't mean invincible, and as scared as Alan is, he's not just going to give up. They fought too hard and worked too long to finally get here, and he's not just about to let go just because he's scared of the effects of fame and a little scared of his own mind.

But there's no changing the fact that there will be an adjustment period when Alan is finally home. All the words of resolve won't change that particular reality. He feels her hands tremble, and although he's scared himself, he feels his own hands tighten around hers, hoping to be reassuring. ]

It won't. I'm out, I'm free. [ Well, sort of. But "I'm sort of free" doesn't sound reassuring. ] It doesn't have me, because we're together. We're here.

[ And as not good as this place is, Alan would rather have this than the Dark Place. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ Her hands tighten around his in return. She's scared of losing him to the Dark Place again. Maybe not physically but mentally. They still don't know what sort of lasting effects the Dark Place will have on him. Most rangers or astralnauts come back with extreme mental trauma after enough visits. It's been better under her watch, but, the danger still remains.

What if him spiraling is just the lasting effect of that? Maybe he can control it better, and stop it, but what if he's just prone to doing it? They'd have to just ride it out then, but, it doesn't seem like the best option. There might be no best options in this scenario. It might be just what it is and the price of being free of the Dark Place. ]

I know. It's... [ her head lowers before she presses her forehead to his with eyes shut. ] We'll figure something out. We'll announce you're home when and if you're ready. Night Springs in the mean time under a different name.

Does that sound okay?

[crazyisinevitable]

[ There's too many unknowns, too many things that Alan's terrified of having happen, and it all combines to make him scared out of his mind. Maybe he's just been that scared all along, but sometimes he's better able to manage it and compartmentalize.

He's not really sure how to deal with his fear other than by talking about it. Bottling it up inside doesn't seem healthy, although he'd also be lying if he said that wasn't his first thought. Maybe Jesse doesn't want to hear him admit how afraid he is, but if he doesn't, it'll just keep eating at him on the inside. ]

Yeah... yeah, we will. I have to, don't I? I can't keep being scared like this forever. I have to actually do something, even if all I am right now is scared.

[ Somehow, admitting that does ease some of the built up fear inside, but he's pretty sure it'll never go away completely. ]

That's fine. It's okay. In a way, it'll be like getting back to my roots. And... maybe I'll get to see you sometimes, if I'm allowed into your headquarters. [ Otherwise, he'll just wait for her to come home at night when her schedule allows. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ She would rather hear how afraid he is. She simply didn't expect her own reaction to it. Apparently her own traumas are still in play when it comes to what happened in Bright Falls. Traumas she wasn't fully aware she had. The memories aren't entirely there from when she went to his Writer's Room in the Dark Place. More fragments of images and just knowing certain things. One image though is burned into her dreams, and that is of seeing the Dark Presence controlling the man she loves. The idea of that thing having even his name set all of those emotions off in one swoop.

« But, now that I know it's there? I can control it. Keep it manageable. That way when he spirals out we can help. »

She smiles for him, even with her eyes closed and forehead pressed to his. ] I think we can start off by you just sending the scripts in. Once a board knows that you're who you are... I doubt it'll stay quiet that you're back. So, I'll contact the person overseeing Night Springs. You can write the scripts at home then once you're ready to show you're back? We'll do a public announcement. Maybe one or two interviews. Then, keep it quiet from there.

Although, we'll probably need to get a hold of your old manager. He'll probably want to deal with all that.

[ Her hands slip from his in order to rest on either side of his face. ] And, do you think after this, you won't be allowed into the Oldest House? You're a parautalitarian working with the Bureau. [ She smiles more. ] Even more so, I'm pretty sure my management team would be appalled if my partner didn't come to visit me at work.

[ Boyfriend, significant other, partner... what word really fits them?

Jesse opens her eyes for only a moment to quickly look at his gray ones. Then, she meets him in a kiss. Her mouth over his and leaning against him. Touching him has always helped calm him down. She would be lying if she felt she didn't need it as well. Not to be reassured he's still there, but, just to feel the comfort of the motion. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ The problem is, if he starts telling her about how scared he is, he might not stop. The unpredictability of everything is something else that's only adding to his unsettled state. How will he handle being back in their reality? Even without his worries about being swarmed by crowds of people wanting answers, he doesn't know if he'll jump at every sound or shadow at the window. What will set him off? He can't know, and he knows he doesn't like not knowing something. There's also the problem of sleep; he hasn't slept in who knows how long, and what nightmares will come when and if he finally does sleep?

There's certainly a long list of things that Alan's seen and lived through that could return as nightmares. Didn't I say once that I should just sleep on the couch? I know she won't like it or even consider it, but... I don't know what I'm going to do. Dealing with me and the Dark Presence was hard on her too. It's not just about me. I have to think about what she needs too. ]

I'm fine with that, just sending them in. It'll keep me busy and it'll let me figure out how the hell I'm going to handle being around people. Sorry, by the way. I'm sure this is the last thing you want to be figuring out right now. I'm overthinking it, probably, but- [ He shakes his head. He can't be sure if she remembers everything about the loops or about what she saw when she found him in the Writer's Room. Does she remember what the Dark Presence did to his mind? His mind just goes a million miles an hour if he doesn't keep a hold on it, but doing that is easier said than done. ]

My old manager... Barry? Yeah, Barry will know what to do about that side of things. If he even wants to be my manager again. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. [ And for just a second, a certain look crosses Alan's face. It's one of tiredness, exhaustion, but also uncertainty. After so many years, people like Barry have probably moved on. For a second, Alan just looks tired and worn, and the feelings that accompany those expressions just make him want to reach for Jesse and hold her and be held for a few minutes.

Instead, she kisses him. He feels her lips on hers and sees her green eyes quickly meeting his gray ones. God, she's beautiful. Her hands rest on either side of his face and the touch comforts him. The kiss does too, and it soothes the storm inside him. Immediately, even as he's leaning into the kiss, his hands move too, one pressing against the small of her back, and the other one moving back to touching her hair. Did he stop touching her hair at one point? He's not sure. But all he knows is he wants to touch it and touch her, to hopefully give and receive comfort all at once. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ Jesse figures they will never know until it happens. The Oldest House can be a trail of sorts. They can see how he goes about sleeping, eating, easing him back into normal life. As normal as it can get in the Fog anyways. A stepping stone. She simply knows Alan will still doubt and question the idea and himself. Which means they go about doing it and tackle one thing at a time.

He handled sleep well enough in the loops. Food was another story.

All she needs is for Alan to let her help as much as she can. ]

It's a part of bringing you back home, Alan. I was already expecting it. [ Her expression softens into an almost shy smile. She put so much thought into how to handle things once the loops were over. Once he was home. Then... none of it mattered. He didn't come home. ] The best we can do is one step at a time. So, let's get you back to the normal things first while we're here. Eating. Sleeping. Being around the survivors and Bureau staff here. I don't see how it wouldn't help.

[ She remembers almost crystal clear watching him wash in and out. His mind spiral out of control and the Dark Presence seizing the opportunity. Or, maybe, it caused it to make the opportunity. She knows what he looks like when it happens. So far, his mental spirals haven't been anything of the sort.

« "From the madness of his mind." That's how the Old Gods put it. » ]

I can't see why he wouldn't at least come and talk to you. Didn't you say he was your best friend? Maybe he'll think someone is impersonating you at first. But, if I were him? I'd go and see you. Once the shock wore off.

[ Another small and reassuring smile is given to him. They can only do what they can.

His hand presses to the small of her back and she responds in turn. She presses against him, shifting her hips to line with his. Her head tilts back into his hand but never breaks their exchange. Knees press gently into his sides. Fingers brush along his beard.

« I missed this. I missed him. More than he'll ever know. »

The kiss ends only once she needs to part to breathe. Reminding herself of his injury, Jesse carefully trails her hands down his cheeks, jaw, neck then shohlders. They contiue down, gliding over his shirt before moving to the bottom. Fingertips brudh along the hem of his shirt and then his belt. They stop at the buckle, turning upwards to rest at the last button of the shirt.

Jesse's head tilts slightly in a silent question before brushing her lips over his again. She hasn't pulled away from his hips or face. Her eyes glance down before raising to meet his again. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ Maybe that's what he needs to do too: plot out how this is going to go. It's not like writing a story, not exactly, but it's similar. He needs to figure out how he's going to get through the day to day. Maybe if he has a routine, it'll be easier. But he doesn't really know how he's going to do that when he barely knows how anything works around here in the Fog. But Jesse's right: one thing at a time.

And since she knows more about this place than he does, he's willing to let her help and direct him where to go and what to do. ]

You were? [ He sees the way her expression changes, noting that soft smile and wondering what's all contained in it. He knows that he probably threw several wrenches in her plans by not doing what she wanted him to do, or what she hoped the story would let him do. He didn't come home when she wanted him to. Instead, he left her behind and ran right back into the Dark Place. ] I messed that up for you too, then. [ He's not spiraling out into a place of guilt, just stating a fact. ]

I know that you don't give up on anyone, but if you were ever going to give up on someone, it should have been me. That's just the reality of it, the reality of what I deserve. But... since you don't look like you're giving up on me... What's the first step? What do you do when you wake up here? I mean, how does time work here?

[ It's so stupid, but I just want to wake up next to her and have her be the first thing that I see. How many times have I wanted to do that? Did I dream about that? I probably did. Maybe now it can be a reality, something good in a place that's not good at all. ]

I guess we might as well start on that sooner rather than later. [ Forgetting for just a second that he had a large hook piercing his shoulder, he rolls the bandaged shoulder idly and then immediately regrets it. He responds to her question about Barry with a wince that he didn't manage to conceal. ]

If it hadn't been so long, he probably would come talk to me. And yeah, we were best friends. I wouldn't be surprised if I just slipped to the back of his mind, if he thinks about me at all.

[ He wants to smile for her, but the thought of his best friend forgetting about him stings a little more than he thought it would.

As always, her touch stirs up something inside him. He's not quite sure what it is, whether it's a longing for more of her touches or just a longing for her. She knows how to touch him in ways that brings a sense of pleasure to the surface, and she does it with such ease.

With every touch she gives him, that sense of desire only grows stronger until he almost can't bear it anymore. He feels her hands trailing against his face and neck and his shoulders, and then they begin to move over his shirt. How does she manage to send shivers up his spine so easily, almost as if she's not even trying? He doesn't know, but her touches all but cause him to come undone.

He sees the way her head tilts as if she's asking a wordless question. His answer is immediate, and he leans in closer while maintaining eye contact the whole time. His lips press to hers, the action hungry and wanting, and he feels that pleasure reaction rising inside him again as he continues their kiss. He just hopes it feels as good for her as it does for him. ]

[outlierdirector]

No, it'd not like that. It was the logical next step. Right? [ Jesse attempts to dismiss yet another task and blame he tries to give himself. ] When we send rangers into a threshold, they have to readjust depending on how long they've been in it. I was just basing it off that experience.

[ A pointed look follows his next statement. Alan may want to condemn himself for all of time, but she isn't going to let him pull himself down like that. Not if she can help it. ]

Well, usually, it's just trying to run the Buearu like I would when there isn't a large spider eldricht monster in the fog. [ She shrugs. ] Checking in with what is here of my management team on what I missed while I was asleep. Who brought what, if there's new information about trails, or the Fog, or the Entity, or the new ... "killers", as denizens call them. Sometimes coffee and breakfast while I do it. Make sure the Control Points are still in place with Polaris. It's not very glamorous.

[ Her gaze softens at his comment is about his best friend. Then, it drops. She can't say she's too surprised. Most people can't rationalize how the world really is. That's why encountering someone like her who isn't dead, in coma, or a battery for the Oldest House meant so much. It was someone else who saw her world but had capabilities like her. Things that don't make her ordinary any longer. Alan, of course, had his own strings and unique situations.

He's still a parautalitarian.

The gaze only breaks when he moves foward to kiss her in return. Jesse responds immediately in turn, hungrily tugging him closer. Fingers almost expertly undo every button on his dress shirt before trailing down his front. Her knees press gently into his sides before reangling herself in order to shift against him. Carefully, given his shoulder.

« This feels familiar. Have we done this before in one of the loops? It feels like we have. Maybe it didn't get anywhere last time. »

She gives him a pleased sound against his mouth before bringing her fingers to his belt. She pulls it from the loops, unbuckles it, and let's it hang as it is. Her fingers slip below the waistline, trailing along his skin. The kiss deepens as she tests the question again if he wants her to continue. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ The look on Alan's face ought to tell her that he's having difficulties believing her words. The part of him that blames himself for how everything turned out is overruling his ability to be rational. He shakes his head and his eyes shift away from hers as that sense of guilt takes root once more. ]

Do you remember how mad you were when I took your right to make your own choice from you? This feels like that again. [ He expects her to still be angry, to be upset that her plans changed because of his actions. She might not want him to blame himself or condemn himself and put himself down, but he's already heading in that direction. ]

Okay. So how can I help with that? I know I'm not on your management team, or even associated with the Bureau, but I want to help, even if it's not glamorous.

[ It doesn't have to be. All he wants is to work alongside Jesse and her people and try to be useful.

And even with his doubts and worries swirling around, all Jesse has to do is touch him to get him to focus. When she sets to work unbuttoning his shirt and trailing her fingers down his front, he very visibly relaxes. He can't remember when it started, this feeling of all but coming undone when she touches him. It doesn't matter where she touches him, he just practically melts in response. When she touches him, he just becomes hers to do whatever she wants with, however she wants it.

But this has to be good for both of them, so he pulls himself together even as she shifts herself against him before turning her attentions to the belt he wears. He shifts too, body rising slightly in response to her fingers sliding below the waistline and trailing along the skin there. Maybe he really is that starved for touch, so even the slightest touch from her garners a reaction. It's not something he can help, but he doesn't want to hold it back either.

He feels her deepen the kiss and he responds immediately to that as well, pressing into it in return, and with the hand that's at her back, he hooks his fingers onto the waistline of her pants and gives it an experimental tug. Maybe now isn't the time to undress each other, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't want to at least tease at the idea.

His other hand comes to rest along her collarbone, fingers ghosting lightly along it even as he continues deepening the kiss. This feels like a dream, but Alan's just hoping that it's real, that they won't have to wake up from it and find themselves alone again. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ A small sigh escapes her. She shakes her head. ] It's not like that. You were trapped in the confines of the story as much as the rest of us. You could only do what you could. If I accepted my role sooner, instead of trying to change it, maybe it wouldn't have lasted so long. [ Jesse pauses and glances down once more. ] Angry wasn't what I was over what happened in the end.

[ « I don't want to say what it was. It'll upset him more. I don't like naming it either. It's the same feeling when I was forced to leave him in the Writer's Room. He's home now. I just want to focus on that. » ]

Let's just focus on the fact you're out of the Dark Place now. Home. Okay? [ Her tone implies the word "please", even if she never says it. ] It's in the past now. We have other things to worry about.

[ A tilt of her head as she thinks. Obviously, they'll be sharing a space together. She can't imagine why they wouldn't. He'll need another task though. Something his skills as a writer can be put to use to some degree. ]

Well, Arish has been doubling up on security and documenting the people we've met in the Fog. It's not the same as writing, but, would you be interested in documenting interviews with people? Just to get to know them. So we know who is who.

[ They have to make the time for each other--that's how Jesse has felt it needs to be. "Return" never allowed for much of it if they were to properly progress it to the end. The Fog would rather see them in trail after trail after trail with nothing but survival. That's not how Jesse is going to let it work. If this Entity has brought the Oldest House here? Then, it can deal with the consequence of the Director calling the shots.

Her heart almost flutters as he raises along her fingers. God, she's missed him so much. Not necessarily being intimate, but the fact it's with him. A pleased sigh breathes against his mouth once the kiss truly deepens. They can go all the way or not. That part doesn't matter. Being with him as just the two of them matters.

She follows the tug at her waistline, pressing against him to agree with his request. Hands leave his waistline for the moment to trail at his arms. A visible shiver takes her with his fingers at her collarbone. It's always been a sensitive spot, regardless if he kisses or just touches it.

His name slips out against his mouth in a breathless motion. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ He hears what she's saying and he wants to believe it; he wants to tell her that he believes it, but the words won't come. Am I losing the words again? Will I just keep on losing the words? I don't want to lose them anymore.

His thoughts are spiraling as the cycle of guilt continues but it's the last thing that Jesse says that brings him up short.

Angry wasn't what I was over what happened in the end. ]

So it's worse than being angry. [ His tone is flatter now, but not the same kind of flatness he uses when the Dark Presence is pulling at him. Nothing is pulling at him but his own guilt that he can't seem to shake off. ] Why does it seem like all I do is... is hurt you?

[ It seems like that because it's true, isn't it? Even though she didn't name the feelings she had, Alan can guess at what they must have been: loss and sadness, most likely, but probably a feeling of letting him down. Well, in his mind, she never let him down. All he's done is let her down, and that's something he'll have to wrestle with for a long time. ]

Home. Yeah. [ All I wanted was to come home. Maybe it'll start to feel real soon. ] Okay. [ He knows what that tone she's using means, that he's only causing her upset by being upset himself. ] Sorry, I'll- I'll be more focused. [ I'll try, anyway.

He listens to her brief explanation of what Arish has been doing, and he finds himself nodding in agreement. ]

Yeah, I can do that. I'm interested. [ Just that admission on its own feels monumental in a way, because he can't remember the last time that he was interested in anything... well, actually, that's not true. He's always been interested in spending time with Jesse. But this feels like a step in the right direction towards finding something like normalcy again. Those intimate moments with Jesse were special, and something he'll never get tired of. They're a normal part of life and living, but something like interviewing the people who turn up here is the closest thing to holding down a job that Alan's done in a very long time.

It probably only makes sense to him, but it feels significant somehow. ]

Do you think he'd mind if I started working on that? He seems easygoing enough, but I don't want to step on anyone's toes.

[ As for going all the way, he'd do it in a second. It's never been difficult for him to lose himself in moments of intimacy with Jesse. Maybe it's too easy for him, but it just feels natural. Right. He tugs at her waist again, as if teasing the possibility of removing her clothes. But what if someone walks in? What if someone needs Jesse for one task or another? How do these trials work anyway?

The possibility of being interrupted is just as much present as ever, so Alan finds himself caught between letting go of his inhibitions and being more controlled. He smiles when he feels her breathlessly say his name against his mouth, and then he briefly pauses his kiss so that he can press his lips to her collarbone, knowing she finds the spot sensitive but pleasant to have touched. One kiss turns into another, followed by several more light kisses trailing down her collarbone, before he presses a deeper one to her mouth once again. ]

[outlierdirector]

No. [ She's quick to interject after his statement. Maybe being heartbroken is worse than the anger. That doesn't mean she's going to let his guilt spiral out of control. Had Alice tried this with him? ] Alan. Stop. It wasn't you who said anything or told me anything. Okay? You weren't the one that did it.

[ Jesse knows it's vague. She doesn't want him upset at Alice or his memory of their life together. Things were contentious enough between them. The last thing he needs to be is angry at his deceased wife. He's a widower

Then, a shake of her head. ] Arish wouldn't mind the help. He respects people's talent and the work they put in. It's not about the titles or the merit. Just, show him you want to help and you'll put the same effort in that he and the others do. That'll win him over.

Unless being in awe of the famous Alan Wake already did that. [ She offers him a playful smile. Fame is something he abhores. Hopefully he just sees she is trying. ] Do you have any questions on all... this? The Oldest House, the Buearu, trails or the Fog?

[ Answering questions seems to be quickly fading as that familiar hunger and pull start to surface. Her hips roll with his tug, signifying she would be more than alright with it. Actions help her more than words. Maybe it's what he needs to help him realize he isn't in the Dark Place now.

She hums in a pleased way at his kisses. It is one of her more sensitive places, and one he seems to always enjoy kissing. The beard against her skin makes her gasp and another pleased sound comes forward. It only turns into a moan once he kisses her again.

A hand slides back to his waistline. Fingers travel once more before coming to a stop at the front. They make quick work of the button and zipper. Then, her hands slides down and over him once. If only to test if he likes the touch over him at all. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ He hears her words and understands them, but even though he's out and the Dark Place doesn't have a hold on him anymore, he still has to wrestle with those voices that tell him he treated her badly. He was unfair to her. He took advantage of her, relying on her when it was convenient, and when he realized he couldn't stay with her, he just left her behind.

No, that's- That's not what I did!

Alan isn't angry with Alice anymore, and the memory of the time they had together hasn't been marred by this, despite the best efforts of the Dark Presence. It's not really happening, because the Dark Presence is gone, but Alan still hears an echo in his mind. Is it his own insecurities and guilt talking? Probably. He wants to cover his ears and desperately try to block it out. But how do you block out something that's in your own mind?

Alice and Jesse are the victims here: your victims. You used both of them, and badly. She might say otherwise, but you know the truth-

Alan shakes his head suddenly, willing the voice in his head to shut the hell up. There might be a grain of truth in what his own mind is beating him over the head with, but that's why he's so desperate to fix what he broke... to fix who he broke. And yes, he knows without Jesse saying it that he caused her heartbreak. ]

You and I both know that's not true. [ He really does want to put this behind them, to not have to think about it anymore, or feel guilty about it. But he's not in that place yet, and unfortunately, it could take him months or years to really move past it. ] I've done so much. Too much, depending on who you ask. It could take a lifetime to make up for it. I'm going to make up for it, starting right now.

[ He manages a smile somehow, and a look of resolve takes hold. ] Then that's what I'll do. I'll have a talk with Arish, and set something up. I'll work hard and do what I can to be useful. [ His smile widens a fraction, recognizing the attempt at humor that she's made. Fame makes him recoil, but he can see the effort she's making to try and smooth things over for everyone involved.

I guess that's why she's the Director. She's good at what she does.

He has some questions still, and maybe he should ask them, but he's decided his questions aren't important. What is important is making up for lost time. Well, sort of, because there's no getting back what they lost in the loops. But they can make new memories and new moments together, whether they go all the way in this moment or not.

And he's slowly beginning to realize that the feeling of freedom and being free is gradually settling in. He can be himself, and he doesn't have to worry about losing more of himself or loops or the Dark Presence or any of the terrible things that came with the Dark Place anymore.

I'm really free. Well, free of that. But we'll be free of this place too, I'm sure of it.

He's not really thinking about how to please himself; no, all he's thinking about is how to make Jesse feel good, whether with his kisses or touches or words, if she needs to hear them. But for now, he just continues kissing deeper, more passionate kisses to her collarbone, her mouth, down her neck... wherever he can reach.

He doesn't stop until he feels her working at loosening the button and zipper and sliding her hand over him. His reaction is instant, as it is whenever she touches him anywhere. His shoulders drop as that feeling of melting beneath her hands surfaces, while his back simultaneously arches with pleasure.

A gasp escapes from him uncontrolled and unhindered, and somehow he manages to say: ]

And I thought you weren't good at people.

[ This is a different kind of "being good", but Alan knows he loves it just as he loves her. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ A gentle look of worry takes her face. She can tell he's struggling with some sort of inner demon she can't help with. Some battles Alan has to win on his own. She can support and help, but she can't slay demons inside his head. She doesn't have a bullet made of light. Although, something tells her this demon has nothing to do with the Dark Place. It's a struggle that's simply Alan Wake's that plagues him now and again.

She shakes her head. ] You didn't tell me how "Return" was supposed to go. What you needed to do for it. How I couldn't... that message didn't come from you at any point in time. I--I knew what I did and felt it eveb before the last loop started. It wasn't you leaving for the Dark Place that did it.

[ « It was just the confirmation. Though, hed probably say thats the proof it was his fault. »

Her eyes light up at the sight of his determination. Something uniquely Alan. One of the little things that makes her love him so much. ] You always work hard, Alan. That's never something I'd need to worry about. I'm sure Arish is going to love working with you. And, no, not just because you're involved with his boss.

[ She's good at empathizing, despite not knowing how to navigate people very well. She can understand paranormal items and how those events change people and support them. Be the example of how you can manage to still be human and find a place in the world when everything else feels opposite. That makes her good at Director. Almost made for the role.

Just as she's the perfect receiver.

His words can certainly set him off. He knows the right combo of words to get any emotional response from her. Negative or positive. All he would need to do is say her name in a certain way, throw in a few other words, then she melts and is at his whims. He already comes close with the kisses to her collarbone, neck, and mouth when he returns to it.

Jesse only blinks once in mild surprise at his reaction before she gives a confident smirk. Her fingers curl slightly as she moves up and down to give a gentle sense of pressure along him. Alan may want to focus on her, but, Jesse has decided that he needs to feel good before her. He needs to feel things here he couldn't in the Dark Place. Just to really enforce the idea he is home. ]

I'm not. [ Her tone then turns slightly smug as she leans in close to him. Her lips press against his ear. Her hand doesn't stop. ] I'm just good at you.

[crazyisinevitable]

[ Too late, he catches sight of that look on Jesse's face, and he realizes he's slipping. These demons are characterized by guilt and blame and a keen awareness of so much of everything that happened being his fault. He'd go as far as to say that it's all his fault, but he knows that Jesse would shut that down in an instant. But didn't all of this start because he decided he had to save his wife? Because he decided he could save her? It doesn't matter that he saved her in the end. Or did he, since she ended up still tormented by the Darkness too?

If he thinks too long about that, he'll start to slip more, and he can't do that right now. ]

But why didn't it come from me? Did I know and forget, or did I never know at all? [ His hand twitches like he wants to reach up and grab onto his hair in frustration. ]

Couldn't I have saved both of us a lot of grief if I'd just figured things out?

[ Alan has to resist the urge to lapse into a moment of brooding over the situations that he caused, either directly or indirectly. There's more important things to do right now. ]

Well, I hope that he does. A lot of people don't. Or they didn't, back then. Can't imagine why. [ He shakes his head and rolls his eyes at himself. A team player, Alan isn't.

He's still unsure how well he'll be able to integrate into things around here, if he does at all. But at least he has Jesse on his side. He hopes to keep it that way, that he doesn't one day drive her off for one reason or another.

But if her actions and her touches right now are any indication, she doesn't seem interested in leaving. That slight sense of pressure elicits a moan from him, and he's too lost in the pleasure of this feeling to be even a little embarrassed about it. The moan is followed by a low gasp, and his eyes lock back onto hers when he registers that slight smug tone in her voice. He sounds breathless, but he manages to say: ]

You're- you're very good. At everything. [ And saying she's good is understating things by quite a bit. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ Jesse sees no point in blame or continually raking over the past in the way Alan's mind does. If it wasn't Alan, it would have been another artist. The Dark Presence hunts for artists to set it free. Anyone could have ended up like Alan--and the public lack the knowledge how to encounter and deal with paranatural forces. While he may not have picked the right options, and it caused damage in their reality? He is willing to take up responsibility and learned from those mistakes.

That's enough for her.

It's more than what Trench did for her brother.

Her gaze drifts to the side with a frown on her face. ] It wasn't the ending we wanted. Right? How could that answer come from you when it was exactly opposite of what we wanted? It had to come from someone else... and one of us had to be willing to step aside and let it play out.

[ Then, her eyes drop entirely to the floor. Water shines in the corner of them. It's clear that she was the one who stepped aside. The one who stopped fighting. Alan had to finish the story. He had to get to the end with Saga to change the ending. She was stopping him from doing it by trying to change it for what they wanted. Even if she didn't mean to be the one to stop him from completing his journey. She was hurting him more than helping him.

Alice wasn't wrong in anything she said. Realizing she was hindering Alan more than helping had hurt. Seeing that she was the one holding everything back despite trying to propel it forward.

She closes her eyes. ]

It worked. Saga helped free you from Scratch. Not that it was she said exactly, but, that was the result. She and Casey back. Now you're home. So, one of us had to let go. [ Jesse tilts her head to compose herself, even as her red locks tumble over her shoulder. ] But, it's over. No point in going over it again.

[ « Even if it hurts still. » ]

Arish will use it to brag to Langston. He oversees the Altered Items we have here in the Oldest House. [ She looks back up at him with a forced smirk. ] Langston was a big fan of Alex Casey--the character, not Agent Casey. I remember he was pretty ticked the Hiss Invasion happened opening night of The Sudden Stop.

[ « Oh, yeah. Langston is going to be jealous that Arish gets to work with the famous Alan Wake. »

She holds his gaze as his eyes lock on hers. Her hand comes to a stop at the waistband of his underwear. Her gaze narrows slightly in a playful manner. Should she keep going? Should she stop? She could slide her hand between the fabric and his skin and be more direct and bring him to an end. What does he want her to do? ]