synthneon | dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

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dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

DEAD OF NIGHT

Carve the secrets from your bruised still heart.

Shape my story, tear every page apart
Inside this room, you left your mark
I burn away the shadows, I strike a spark CODE BY TESSISAMESS

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[ Logically, that may very well be true. They could have passed each other by entirely, never stopping to look for the other, but the romantic side of Alan remains convinced that somehow, they would have found each other. But perhaps at the heart of all of it, what Alan wishes for most is that he could bring Jesse's family back to her. Her parents are gone, but Dylan is still here. He believes that one day, Dylan will wake up.

As for mending the hurt he caused, he is fully committed to seeing it mended. He wants to be someone she can count on, someone reliable who won't break his promises and leave her behind again.

Her eyes catch his and he has to work hard to not avert his gaze from hers. He still has a lot of unaddressed guilt and other feelings relating to how he's treated her. What he's put her through. She might think that he's started the process of mending the hurt he's caused, but as always, he's taking his time reaching that point as well.

But he's confident in one thing: they'll get there together, even if she has to hold his hand along the way. He hopes she's there to hold his hand as they go along this path. ]

I want this more than I've ever wanted anything. I- [ He thinks back to the times he thought he was closer to getting out, to going home. The overlaps made him think he was close. Seeing Parliament Tower was another thing that contributed to that thought. How he ended up in this place nearly had him convinced, except that turned out to be an illusion. If anyone ever says illusions can't hurt a person, Alan would like to have a word with that person. ]

After all... [ He tries to interject humor into his voice to match the smile on his face and in his eyes. ] I've made you wait long enough. No more waiting. No more being alone. Except, you're never really alone, not with Polaris there to guide you.

[ In a way, he's glad that the guiding star is always there. ]

Home... That's a nice sounding word. [ And home is where Jesse is, so it sounds even nicer to Alan's ears. He leans in until his forehead is pressed against hers too. ]

I want to be there with you every day, so I can tell you I love you every day. And every night when you come home.

[ Dyaln is... somewhere. In the Fog. They've secured the Central Executive area, but, his holding cells is empty. All she can hope is that he has regained consciousness and Polaris will lead him back to the Oldest House. She can't do more than that.

And she hates the fact she can't.

Maybe they are the only versions of themselves that have found each other. Maybe all the other versions of Alan Wake--named or not--still have their Alice waiting for them. Not that Jesse is trying to be unique. She just has an idea of how much pain it caused Alan to lose Alice when he wasn't even there to lose her.

« Sometimes I wonder if it would of been better for him to find Alice instead of me. Us. »

Her eyes light up when he makes contact with hers. She still loves him, despite everything. Maybe she shouldn't. These sort of relationships are foreign to her. She doesn't know if it's good or bad to still want to be with him after everything. Her instincts tell her that she should, but, how much of that is because Polaris wants something to amplify herself off of? It's so complicated and a web interwoven between extraterrestrial entities that she doesn't want to think about it. She just wants to be with him. ]

It's different having a person here and having Polaris. [ She glances down then up at at him. ] If I had lost her, Dylan, and you, I'm not sure what I would do.

I already set up the apartment, you know. [ Her forehead presses to his and her heart skips a beat. That desire for him still rings through her. She's trying to control it so Alan can have this moment. ] That way it was ready whenever you visited--or, whenever you came home from the night.

[ Her green eyes drop to his lips again before raising once more. There is a sparkle in them that seems to try and lure him back in. Hips gently press against his, brushing herself along him. It's not quite a spell or web she finds herself caught up in whenever Alan has lowered her walls to this degree. More like a spiral she wants to fall into that's just him. ]

[ Well, that's a thought. Maybe Alan can find Dylan in the Fog. He doesn't know how or where to even start looking, but he wants to bring Jesse's baby brother home. He's been gone long enough. Too long. No one deserves to be lost, and even though he knows Dylan isn't forgotten about, it's time for him to come home.

I have to pull myself together to be there for Jesse, and I have to find Dylan somehow. I'll find him, even if I have to search every corner of this place. And if this entity or whatever the hell it is tries to stop me, I'll- I'll fight. Somehow.

There's a part of Alan that relies on determination like this to keep the guilt and the regret and the way his thoughts tend to spiral away from him under control. It distracts him, gives him something else to focus on. And that's what he needs most.

He still has a myriad of issues hanging over him, nearly all of them unresolved and unaddressed, but he doesn't have time to drown in them anymore. They can't be at the forefront of everything.

He smiles when he sees her eyes light up. He always loves seeing her smile and seeing that light in her green eyes. He loves her fiercely, and he doesn't want to let her go ever again. They're one, they belong together. He knows that without a doubt. ]

I bet it is. I mean, I wouldn't know, but- with Polaris and another person, you get the best of both worlds, right? Or something like that, I don't know. [ He's still smiling, but his smile softens into a warm and loving one. ] You won't lose us. And I want to do everything I can to help Dylan come home. He's going to come home.

[ Alan's smile only widens at Jesse's announcement about the apartment. ] I've made you wait too long, but I'm- well, I'm happy you didn't give up, even though I gave you plenty of reasons to just walk away. [ His eyes fix on her green ones. ] Thank you, Jesse. Thanks for- everything. For waiting, for not giving up, for just being you.

[ She's certainly succeeding at luring him in, and he hopes he's doing the same for her. If it's a spiral that she's falling into, then he wants to fall into it with her, because nothing's going to separate them now. Even if that metaphorical spiral originates from him, he's going down into it alongside her. Always. ]

You brought me home, and now we can finally leave the night behind. Together.

[ Jesse can't put her thoughts into the romantic notions that Alan is so inclined to describe it as. She loves him and wants to be with him. She wants someone that understands this world at her side as they navigate it together. Maybe she's just unable to see things in terms of being destined for something. It would mean something else controls a part of her life as opposed to she decides things. One day she might be willing to allow that possibility... but not at the moment. ]

Something like that. [ She feels his smile can be infectious because it makes hers widen. He hardly ever smiles--at least in the time she's known him. ] We'll find Dylan. Somehow. It took me eighteen years last time. Hopefully, it doesn't take as long now.

[ Her gaze softens at his thanks. Something like water threatens to fill her eyes then as well. She's thanked often, of course, but it's something different coming from Alan. Probably because he's hers, and by that extension, she's his. Her forehead presses to his more as she stares intently into his eyes with each passing word.

We can finally leave the night behind. Together.

« He really does know how to use the right words. »

Jesse closes her eyes to hide the tears threatening to gather. He really knows how to change the mood of something around. She presses a gentle kiss to his lips. Anything more heated seems pointless at the moment. ]

[ Pointless? Alan doesn't think it's pointless. He's simply trying to express things that maybe he hasn't been able to express before or hadn't thought of to say before.

His gaze is focused on her, watching for her reactions and her movements and how she responds to the things he's saying. Seeing her smile widen makes his own grow. It's true that he rarely smiles, but she makes him happy enough to smile for her.

When he sees what looks like water begin to well in her eyes, he reaches out with one hand and brushes his fingers against her face. Maybe she hasn't been thanked enough for everything she's done. Well, that changes now, as far as he's concerned. She saved him, even if she doesn't think she did, and because of that, he owes her a lifelong debt.

Maybe she doesn't like how often he changes course. Maybe she wishes he just picked something and stuck with it instead of going back and forth between things. But he can't help it; desire for her, to take her and be one with her is just as strong as the urge to turn the moment to something equally emotionally charged. One has more talking involved, and maybe she doesn't like that.

She kisses him gently, and he shivers with pleasure in response. He meets her kiss eagerly and he returns it, pressing his lips against hers, and as he's done before (how many times before? Who knows?), he traces the outline of her mouth with his tongue.

Maybe it's not a heated action, but it's no less passionate. ]

[ Jesse tilts her cheek against his fingers. The smile remains on her face, even if it softens into something fonder. She adores his touches and gentle movements. Jesse is far from a gentle person--barging her way through like an unstoppable weapon. He makes her slow down, center, and take her time. It may seem like it's something she doesn't want, when in reality she simply needs the time to readjust. Which is precisely why she melts into his gentler kiss.

A shuddering sigh escapes her as the kiss turns eager, then he traces her mouth. A visible shiver runs through her body and a gentle moan comes from her. He's found several places that make her respond in the way he likes. Her hands slip from his face to his elbows. She leans entirely against him, following his direction and pace.

She'll never quite understand how he manages to pull these things from her. How he seems to almost tame her. Make what should be someone inhuman more human again. Her fingers brush over his elbows as she tilts her head back slightly further into his kiss. She wants to lean into him more and have him direct her in how he wants. Where to be, how to be, tell her how he wants to be taken care of. Or, even, how he wants to take care of her. He manages to find ways to pull all her walls down but leaving her wanting someone else in charge.

She mumbles his name in a tone barely above a whisper.]

Edited 2024-03-04 11:06 (UTC)

[ For Alan, what he's looking for, what he's hoping to get from these times with Jesse is something fulfilling for them both. They could let their passions loose and explore each other's bodies without hesitation, and of course, Alan loves the times when they get to do that. The story has tried to make them forget, but the hallmarks remain for both of them. He loves getting Jesse to react by touching her and kissing her in sensitive areas.

But he also loves just taking it slow and letting his touches be gentle but no less loving. To demonstrate how much he loves her by slowly and gently touching her and giving her gentle but still very loving kisses is just another way he expresses the depth of his feelings. He likes to think that the wild and passionate touches and the slower and gentler ones are just two sides of the same coin: the coin representing his love. It's probably a silly idea, one she'd laugh at if she knew about it, but it's just how he feels. ]

Jesse... [ He exhales a breath and her name at the same time, and he feels that familiar shiver at his elbows when her fingers brush over them. ] Oh, Jesse, I love you. [ She elicits those declarations from him so easily, almost effortlessly. And he doesn't feel the least bit embarrassed about saying it, again and again if he has to. And he wants to. ]

You're mine... and I want to be yours. [ In so many ways, they already are each other's, but there's so much more than Alan wants to get to experience with her. ]

[ If she ever laughed, it wound be a gentle endearing one. She wouldn't downplay how Alan ever feels about her. Who else has ever felt that way for her? He may say things that she can't quite grasp in their artistic phrasing, but she understands the intent and the love expressed in the notion. That is what matters most to her. His words always strike a cord in her somehow.

A smile pulls at the corners of her mouth. Fingers curl around his elbows. Eyes open to look straight into his, forehead pressing further to his. She waits until she has his attention on her gaze and not anything else. Her body may scream in frustration from the need to be touched, but, it's clear Alan is looking for something more emotional at the moment. Something to ground him more than heated actions. ]

You are mine. [ Her gaze flicks down in something of embarrassment before looking back at him. ] You don't need to want to be that.

My Alan Wake.

My writer who finally came home.

[ He smiles because she makes him want to smile for her, to see the way her eyes light up with happiness. But is it happiness? He doesn't stop touching her or kissing her or anything that they've been doing, but a shadow of doubt has flared up in his own eyes.

He has this feeling that's only growing by the minute that he's not doing what Jesse wants or needs. It's a feeling that they're opposites, and that feeling bothers him. Maybe they're not as compatible as he thought they were. Maybe he needs to put aside his own interests and wants in favor of fulfilling hers. ]

I am... but am I enough? Am I everything you wanted? [ Do I make her happy? I don't know. ]

I want- I want to be what you need.

[ His words sound pathetic to his own ears, and he wonders if she'll recoil with distaste. But he means what he says. She wants to be touched and loved and so he forcefully rocks his hips against hers. It's not too hard or too fast, but enough so that she can feel his hips all but crashing onto hers.

If fierce and firm physical expressions are what she's looking for, he can oblige. ]

[ The doubt creeping in his eyes makes her pause. Her heart still pounds, her body still aches, but some of the haze clears from her own eyes. Her gaze asks if he is alright. It's obvious--especially to him--how much she worries for him. Not just his physical health, but emotional and mental. Being trapped where he was for thirteen years will leave marks neither of them are really aware of. She's accepted it, and dedicated to helping him work through it.

« No one was there for me except you. He's not going to have that problem. Not with you, me, or the Bureau here. »

His questions come and her expression softens. The words are clear, even if she doesn't say them.

Oh, Alan.

Her eyes close for the brief moment the hips make contact. A pleased sound comes from her with a sharp inhale. Yes, it's what her body wants. It's what she wants. That almost primal side that demands to be made louder wants it. However, Jesse wants more than those things. She wants to be with Alan--and it can't all be one sided to her.

Her hand waves and items shift behind her on the desk. She leans backwards just enough so he can rest against her. Hands cradle his face again. ]

Alan. [ Her tone is quiet but no less sincere. ] I... never thought about what I wanted. Or what I'd need from something like this. Everything in me was focused on finding Dylan, the Bureau. Trying to stay connected to Polaris.

[ She smiles then with that vulnerability he knows in her eyes. ] At the end of it all... I felt I wanted someone like me. Someone who understood this crazy world I live in. Another parautalitarian, or maybe even someone who was normal who could understand. It's why I wanted to meet you in the first place. Remember? You are someone like me who reached out to me for help. Someone not dead or some crazy alien force.

[ She lays back on the desk entirely. Her fingers glide under his chin to guide him forward. He can rest against her if he wants. They can continue if he wants. ]

You're enough. More than that, really. You're mine.

[ A storm is brewing in Alan's mind, but the way he sees it, there's no point in sharing that storm with Jesse. Not because he believes she won't try her best to calm said storm but because he's already made her sit through so many of his storms already. She's seen him at his worst, she's seen him spiraling out repeatedly; why should he put her through more of his emotional turmoil? He can see how she worries about him, but she's spent enough time worrying about him.

He rocks his hips against hers once more even as he leans in to try and plant a kiss on any part of her that he can reach. But his kiss doesn't land, because she has just moved, shifting backwards in such a way as to let him rest against her. And he'd be lying if he said he didn't want that: to just rest and feel her and hold her.

His eyes slide closed for a moment when her hands slide around his face. ]

You should have. You should have thought about what you wanted, what you needed... I want to give that to you. You lost your parents, and Dylan still isn't home. I- I can't be yours if I'm not completely here. Completely present, giving you what you want most: a person who's like you, who understands how insane the world is, but still here backing you up.

[ How many times has she propped him up when he couldn't stand on his own? Now it's his turn to do that for her.

He wants to rest against her but he wants to continue exciting her, getting her senses dialed up to that state of arousal that she seems to be clamoring for. He has to conjure up the energy to do it, to alternate between rocking against her and pressing himself against her so she can feel him and he can feel her, but he manages to find a sort of rhythm to fall into. ]

I want this to be good for you. I want to be good for you.

[ His eyes are closed, so thankfully, he misses the expression that ripples across her face. The insecurity that arises from not being a normal person. The one that only surfaces when she's around others that are close to her that have the expectation she should have done normal things. She frowns.

The only thing that mattered to her was finding the Bureau. Finding Dylan. No one else around her ever believed anything about Ordinary, and there was definitely no point in explaining Polaris to them. She could act normal and blend in, but at the end of the day, she always knew she couldn't open up to normal people about it. What was the point of trying to imagine a married life, or even having a partner? Even if she settled with someone, part or her would always be kept secret. It would cause problems. The relationship would fail.

« It wasn't worth being open like that. It wasn't worth trying... and being left alone again. Dylan mattered. Finding the people who took him mattered. You mattered, even if there were times I shut you out. I...

Thinking about finding another parautalitarian didn't even cross my mind until after the issue with Hartman. Even then, it's not like I expected any of this from Alan... »

Her expression has changed back to her normal neutral one by the time he opens his eyes. ]

It's not just about me, is it? You've been missing for fourteen years. You need things too. [ Which is why she's content to lay there and be held by him if he needs. She only started all this because she wanted him to feel good; feel that he truly was somewhere other than the Dark Place. It doesn't need to be about her. She just wants to see him happy and not clouded by the Dark Place. ] You're here with us now. I just want to help you feel that way, after...

[ Another sharp inhale makes her words trail off. She can definitely feel him against her, even through his layers. Her head tilts back as a gasp comes from her. That demand knocks against her strongly and she tries to control it--to keep it in check. He doesn't want her to be wild and heated at the moment. He wants her to be present and able to have a conversation with.

She can do it. ]

You are good. Really good.

[ « I'm sure he can read me like a book. No puns intended. » ]

[ He stays quiet through her moment of thinking to herself and through her statements about his needs, forming a response that he gives when the opportunity presents itself. ]

I know what you're going to say. I change course too quickly and jerk you around, but that's not what I'm trying to do. It's not what I intend to do. Jesse, don't you see that everything we do together fills those needs for me? Just having you here to remind me that the nightmare's over and I'm home is all I need. All I could ask for.

[ He rocks himself against her a few more times in a slightly rhythmic pattern. He might be feeling that pull towards holding her and using his grasp of language to express how he feels and how much he loves her, but he can do that by being wild and heated and stirring that up in her too. It doesn't take a genius to see that her desires and passions are awakened, probably because of his own actions. He just has to focus on that and wake up those desires in himself too. ]

All I need is right here. I can feel it, because you're helping me feel it.

[ She can probably feel his arousal forming as he rocks against her again, but he sees no reason to try and hide that. ]

I'm not, though. Sure, I can do this, and I can do things that... that appeal to certain urges, but...

[ He's talking too much and he knows it. She seems to want more action and less talking, and that's what he intends to give her. He finally settles into a rhythm of motions, alternating between a rocking sort of motion and something best described as grinding himself against her. Not harshly but not too gently either. ]

I'm not really good. I'm just okay.

[ In all the meanings those words can hold, that's how Alan views himself: not outstanding, not the best, most doting partner. Just okay. Just average. Maybe Jesse deserves better, but he wants the chance to prove himself. ]

No, that's not what I--[ Jesse cuts herself off as he continues. Frustration at herself flares up.

I can't use words like he does to express anything.

The feeling doesn't last long as he continues. Her expression changes into one of soft realization. Her gaze drops and she looks to the side. Guilt rises to her expression. She thought the best thing would be something they never had in the Dark Place. Something that cemented him at home; something that only happened when it was just them. Together.

« Obviously, I was wrong. I over thought it. I'm still so bad at all this. »

That familiar feeling of insecurity rises up in her and reflects in her eyes. ]

I'm sorry. [ The answer is quick and genuine. A side she doesn't show often. ] We don't--we can stop. I didn't mean--I just wanted to help you feel... If something else helps more? We should stop.

[ She can feel his arousal returning and it makes hers want to flare more. Except, she locks it down, controlling it. Small sounds still make their way out despite that, and her lower back arcs. Despite that, she raises her gaze back to his. The apology is plain in her gaze, as is the want to make him happy.

She doesn't want to do the wrong thing. Something that will upset him and make him slip away. They can stop. He's injured anyways. They shouldn't be doing it. Especially when it's not what he really needs or wants.

I'm sorry. Don't slip away again because I screwed it up. ]

Then, okay is exactly what I need. [ She tries to control and ignore it, but it's obvious how her body tries to respond to his rhythm. She's holding back now for him so they can transition into something else. Her hands move to curl around his. ] Not just anyone can get the Director on her desk practically naked, you know.

Jesse, please, I'm sorry. [ He doesn't want her being frustrated with herself, when he's the one at fault for everything that's gone wrong between them. Except "gone wrong" isn't the right phrase. They're having to adjust to each other and learn what the other means, and Alan feels like he's failing to really understand what she needs and what she means. He can guess that she wanted to be intimate with him because the times they were intimate together have been lost to the loops, so being intimate together is something good for both of them.

With that in mind, he decides that's what he needs to do. ]

I meant what I said: I need to make things good for you, and I'm going to do that. I missed you, and- Well, I've left you alone for too long.

[ Slipping away isn't something he plans on doing. No, he's focused on being here for her. Being who and what she needs him to be. ]

Where can I touch you that makes you good? Where do you want to be touched?

[ He offers a half smile in response to her statement about her being on her desk practically naked. ]

It helps when the Director is willing to let that happen. [ He has to move closer as he leans in so that he can press a deep kiss to her mouth. ]

[ A sigh comes from her at his apology. She was the one that initiated this whole thing--not him. He's done nothing wrong and he hasn't misread anything. She is the one that thought this would be the best thing for him. The assumption was wrong and so they shouldn't continue if it isn't what he needs or wants.

"I've left you alone for too long."

Her gaze meets his again. Once more she finds that his words are something that can simply cause her to be undone. Alan's found a way to get past her defensive walls and find the girl from Ordinary that ultimately drives the Director. She inhales and catches the breath in her throat. He already knows his favorite places to touch her to get her to react--even if she is trying to lock down all her reactions.

Her body moves against his as he leans in, though its obvious by her gaze its instinct she's trying to control. A playful smirk does touch her lips before she kisses him back. There's an uncontrolled hunger that is locked down in an instant with their lips touching. ]

I'm sorry.

[ He apologizes again, says those words again, because he just feels compelled to. He could apologize for the rest of his life and still not feel that he's made up for the hurt he's caused her. Even if this is just a miscommunication between them, it still feels like one more mistake he's made on top of a mountain full of mistakes.

All he wants more than anything is to make her happy. It will in no way make up for the pain he's caused her. It won't ease the pain he still carries although he's done his best to bury it, to not think about it. But if she's happy and content and at peace, then maybe he can slowly start to feel a little bit happy himself.

If being intimate with each other and being wild and heated and loving in the bedroom is what she wants? He'll do it.

She strikes him as the kind of person who thrives on movement. Excitement. A little chaos. He can give her that. He doesn't want to bore her or be thought of as a boring person who used to be interesting and exciting.

Why does it feel like she's closing herself off again? Maybe not from me, but- she's holding back. I don't want her to hold anything back. ]

Jesse.

[ His tone has lowered by several decibels, settling into a lower register, one he uses mainly when he's with her and feeling desirous of her. ]

Let me touch you and love you and begin making things up to you. [ She kisses him in return, and in exchange, he reaches out to ghost his fingers along her collarbone, trailing them down to her breasts. ]

I love you. [ If I wanted to express how much I love her, I'd run out of pages to write that on. ]

( cont here )

Edited 2024-03-13 22:27 (UTC)

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dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

DEAD OF NIGHT

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