dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

[outlierdirector]

DEAD OF NIGHT

Carve the secrets from your bruised still heart.

Shape my story, tear every page apart
Inside this room, you left your mark
I burn away the shadows, I strike a spark CODE BY TESSISAMESS

Comments

[crazyisinevitable]

[ He'd be lying to himself and to her if he said that what he's scared of most isn't the possibility of fame interfering and breaking what they've found together. He is scared of that. He's scared of losing himself again like he did before, but more than that, he's scared of the insanity that is fame becoming so invasive that Jesse decides she can't handle it anymore. He's afraid that she'll decide being associated with Alan Wake isn't worth it anymore. He's not worth it anymore. And, well, given the self criticism that his own mind tends to throw at him, there's a part of him that believes it.

At the heart of it, they just seem to be two scared people who are scared of things a lot bigger than both of them. But bigger doesn't mean invincible, and as scared as Alan is, he's not just going to give up. They fought too hard and worked too long to finally get here, and he's not just about to let go just because he's scared of the effects of fame and a little scared of his own mind.

But there's no changing the fact that there will be an adjustment period when Alan is finally home. All the words of resolve won't change that particular reality. He feels her hands tremble, and although he's scared himself, he feels his own hands tighten around hers, hoping to be reassuring. ]

It won't. I'm out, I'm free. [ Well, sort of. But "I'm sort of free" doesn't sound reassuring. ] It doesn't have me, because we're together. We're here.

[ And as not good as this place is, Alan would rather have this than the Dark Place. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ Her hands tighten around his in return. She's scared of losing him to the Dark Place again. Maybe not physically but mentally. They still don't know what sort of lasting effects the Dark Place will have on him. Most rangers or astralnauts come back with extreme mental trauma after enough visits. It's been better under her watch, but, the danger still remains.

What if him spiraling is just the lasting effect of that? Maybe he can control it better, and stop it, but what if he's just prone to doing it? They'd have to just ride it out then, but, it doesn't seem like the best option. There might be no best options in this scenario. It might be just what it is and the price of being free of the Dark Place. ]

I know. It's... [ her head lowers before she presses her forehead to his with eyes shut. ] We'll figure something out. We'll announce you're home when and if you're ready. Night Springs in the mean time under a different name.

Does that sound okay?

[crazyisinevitable]

[ There's too many unknowns, too many things that Alan's terrified of having happen, and it all combines to make him scared out of his mind. Maybe he's just been that scared all along, but sometimes he's better able to manage it and compartmentalize.

He's not really sure how to deal with his fear other than by talking about it. Bottling it up inside doesn't seem healthy, although he'd also be lying if he said that wasn't his first thought. Maybe Jesse doesn't want to hear him admit how afraid he is, but if he doesn't, it'll just keep eating at him on the inside. ]

Yeah... yeah, we will. I have to, don't I? I can't keep being scared like this forever. I have to actually do something, even if all I am right now is scared.

[ Somehow, admitting that does ease some of the built up fear inside, but he's pretty sure it'll never go away completely. ]

That's fine. It's okay. In a way, it'll be like getting back to my roots. And... maybe I'll get to see you sometimes, if I'm allowed into your headquarters. [ Otherwise, he'll just wait for her to come home at night when her schedule allows. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ She would rather hear how afraid he is. She simply didn't expect her own reaction to it. Apparently her own traumas are still in play when it comes to what happened in Bright Falls. Traumas she wasn't fully aware she had. The memories aren't entirely there from when she went to his Writer's Room in the Dark Place. More fragments of images and just knowing certain things. One image though is burned into her dreams, and that is of seeing the Dark Presence controlling the man she loves. The idea of that thing having even his name set all of those emotions off in one swoop.

« But, now that I know it's there? I can control it. Keep it manageable. That way when he spirals out we can help. »

She smiles for him, even with her eyes closed and forehead pressed to his. ] I think we can start off by you just sending the scripts in. Once a board knows that you're who you are... I doubt it'll stay quiet that you're back. So, I'll contact the person overseeing Night Springs. You can write the scripts at home then once you're ready to show you're back? We'll do a public announcement. Maybe one or two interviews. Then, keep it quiet from there.

Although, we'll probably need to get a hold of your old manager. He'll probably want to deal with all that.

[ Her hands slip from his in order to rest on either side of his face. ] And, do you think after this, you won't be allowed into the Oldest House? You're a parautalitarian working with the Bureau. [ She smiles more. ] Even more so, I'm pretty sure my management team would be appalled if my partner didn't come to visit me at work.

[ Boyfriend, significant other, partner... what word really fits them?

Jesse opens her eyes for only a moment to quickly look at his gray ones. Then, she meets him in a kiss. Her mouth over his and leaning against him. Touching him has always helped calm him down. She would be lying if she felt she didn't need it as well. Not to be reassured he's still there, but, just to feel the comfort of the motion. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ The problem is, if he starts telling her about how scared he is, he might not stop. The unpredictability of everything is something else that's only adding to his unsettled state. How will he handle being back in their reality? Even without his worries about being swarmed by crowds of people wanting answers, he doesn't know if he'll jump at every sound or shadow at the window. What will set him off? He can't know, and he knows he doesn't like not knowing something. There's also the problem of sleep; he hasn't slept in who knows how long, and what nightmares will come when and if he finally does sleep?

There's certainly a long list of things that Alan's seen and lived through that could return as nightmares. Didn't I say once that I should just sleep on the couch? I know she won't like it or even consider it, but... I don't know what I'm going to do. Dealing with me and the Dark Presence was hard on her too. It's not just about me. I have to think about what she needs too. ]

I'm fine with that, just sending them in. It'll keep me busy and it'll let me figure out how the hell I'm going to handle being around people. Sorry, by the way. I'm sure this is the last thing you want to be figuring out right now. I'm overthinking it, probably, but- [ He shakes his head. He can't be sure if she remembers everything about the loops or about what she saw when she found him in the Writer's Room. Does she remember what the Dark Presence did to his mind? His mind just goes a million miles an hour if he doesn't keep a hold on it, but doing that is easier said than done. ]

My old manager... Barry? Yeah, Barry will know what to do about that side of things. If he even wants to be my manager again. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. [ And for just a second, a certain look crosses Alan's face. It's one of tiredness, exhaustion, but also uncertainty. After so many years, people like Barry have probably moved on. For a second, Alan just looks tired and worn, and the feelings that accompany those expressions just make him want to reach for Jesse and hold her and be held for a few minutes.

Instead, she kisses him. He feels her lips on hers and sees her green eyes quickly meeting his gray ones. God, she's beautiful. Her hands rest on either side of his face and the touch comforts him. The kiss does too, and it soothes the storm inside him. Immediately, even as he's leaning into the kiss, his hands move too, one pressing against the small of her back, and the other one moving back to touching her hair. Did he stop touching her hair at one point? He's not sure. But all he knows is he wants to touch it and touch her, to hopefully give and receive comfort all at once. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ Jesse figures they will never know until it happens. The Oldest House can be a trail of sorts. They can see how he goes about sleeping, eating, easing him back into normal life. As normal as it can get in the Fog anyways. A stepping stone. She simply knows Alan will still doubt and question the idea and himself. Which means they go about doing it and tackle one thing at a time.

He handled sleep well enough in the loops. Food was another story.

All she needs is for Alan to let her help as much as she can. ]

It's a part of bringing you back home, Alan. I was already expecting it. [ Her expression softens into an almost shy smile. She put so much thought into how to handle things once the loops were over. Once he was home. Then... none of it mattered. He didn't come home. ] The best we can do is one step at a time. So, let's get you back to the normal things first while we're here. Eating. Sleeping. Being around the survivors and Bureau staff here. I don't see how it wouldn't help.

[ She remembers almost crystal clear watching him wash in and out. His mind spiral out of control and the Dark Presence seizing the opportunity. Or, maybe, it caused it to make the opportunity. She knows what he looks like when it happens. So far, his mental spirals haven't been anything of the sort.

« "From the madness of his mind." That's how the Old Gods put it. » ]

I can't see why he wouldn't at least come and talk to you. Didn't you say he was your best friend? Maybe he'll think someone is impersonating you at first. But, if I were him? I'd go and see you. Once the shock wore off.

[ Another small and reassuring smile is given to him. They can only do what they can.

His hand presses to the small of her back and she responds in turn. She presses against him, shifting her hips to line with his. Her head tilts back into his hand but never breaks their exchange. Knees press gently into his sides. Fingers brush along his beard.

« I missed this. I missed him. More than he'll ever know. »

The kiss ends only once she needs to part to breathe. Reminding herself of his injury, Jesse carefully trails her hands down his cheeks, jaw, neck then shohlders. They contiue down, gliding over his shirt before moving to the bottom. Fingertips brudh along the hem of his shirt and then his belt. They stop at the buckle, turning upwards to rest at the last button of the shirt.

Jesse's head tilts slightly in a silent question before brushing her lips over his again. She hasn't pulled away from his hips or face. Her eyes glance down before raising to meet his again. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ Maybe that's what he needs to do too: plot out how this is going to go. It's not like writing a story, not exactly, but it's similar. He needs to figure out how he's going to get through the day to day. Maybe if he has a routine, it'll be easier. But he doesn't really know how he's going to do that when he barely knows how anything works around here in the Fog. But Jesse's right: one thing at a time.

And since she knows more about this place than he does, he's willing to let her help and direct him where to go and what to do. ]

You were? [ He sees the way her expression changes, noting that soft smile and wondering what's all contained in it. He knows that he probably threw several wrenches in her plans by not doing what she wanted him to do, or what she hoped the story would let him do. He didn't come home when she wanted him to. Instead, he left her behind and ran right back into the Dark Place. ] I messed that up for you too, then. [ He's not spiraling out into a place of guilt, just stating a fact. ]

I know that you don't give up on anyone, but if you were ever going to give up on someone, it should have been me. That's just the reality of it, the reality of what I deserve. But... since you don't look like you're giving up on me... What's the first step? What do you do when you wake up here? I mean, how does time work here?

[ It's so stupid, but I just want to wake up next to her and have her be the first thing that I see. How many times have I wanted to do that? Did I dream about that? I probably did. Maybe now it can be a reality, something good in a place that's not good at all. ]

I guess we might as well start on that sooner rather than later. [ Forgetting for just a second that he had a large hook piercing his shoulder, he rolls the bandaged shoulder idly and then immediately regrets it. He responds to her question about Barry with a wince that he didn't manage to conceal. ]

If it hadn't been so long, he probably would come talk to me. And yeah, we were best friends. I wouldn't be surprised if I just slipped to the back of his mind, if he thinks about me at all.

[ He wants to smile for her, but the thought of his best friend forgetting about him stings a little more than he thought it would.

As always, her touch stirs up something inside him. He's not quite sure what it is, whether it's a longing for more of her touches or just a longing for her. She knows how to touch him in ways that brings a sense of pleasure to the surface, and she does it with such ease.

With every touch she gives him, that sense of desire only grows stronger until he almost can't bear it anymore. He feels her hands trailing against his face and neck and his shoulders, and then they begin to move over his shirt. How does she manage to send shivers up his spine so easily, almost as if she's not even trying? He doesn't know, but her touches all but cause him to come undone.

He sees the way her head tilts as if she's asking a wordless question. His answer is immediate, and he leans in closer while maintaining eye contact the whole time. His lips press to hers, the action hungry and wanting, and he feels that pleasure reaction rising inside him again as he continues their kiss. He just hopes it feels as good for her as it does for him. ]

[outlierdirector]

No, it'd not like that. It was the logical next step. Right? [ Jesse attempts to dismiss yet another task and blame he tries to give himself. ] When we send rangers into a threshold, they have to readjust depending on how long they've been in it. I was just basing it off that experience.

[ A pointed look follows his next statement. Alan may want to condemn himself for all of time, but she isn't going to let him pull himself down like that. Not if she can help it. ]

Well, usually, it's just trying to run the Buearu like I would when there isn't a large spider eldricht monster in the fog. [ She shrugs. ] Checking in with what is here of my management team on what I missed while I was asleep. Who brought what, if there's new information about trails, or the Fog, or the Entity, or the new ... "killers", as denizens call them. Sometimes coffee and breakfast while I do it. Make sure the Control Points are still in place with Polaris. It's not very glamorous.

[ Her gaze softens at his comment is about his best friend. Then, it drops. She can't say she's too surprised. Most people can't rationalize how the world really is. That's why encountering someone like her who isn't dead, in coma, or a battery for the Oldest House meant so much. It was someone else who saw her world but had capabilities like her. Things that don't make her ordinary any longer. Alan, of course, had his own strings and unique situations.

He's still a parautalitarian.

The gaze only breaks when he moves foward to kiss her in return. Jesse responds immediately in turn, hungrily tugging him closer. Fingers almost expertly undo every button on his dress shirt before trailing down his front. Her knees press gently into his sides before reangling herself in order to shift against him. Carefully, given his shoulder.

« This feels familiar. Have we done this before in one of the loops? It feels like we have. Maybe it didn't get anywhere last time. »

She gives him a pleased sound against his mouth before bringing her fingers to his belt. She pulls it from the loops, unbuckles it, and let's it hang as it is. Her fingers slip below the waistline, trailing along his skin. The kiss deepens as she tests the question again if he wants her to continue. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ The look on Alan's face ought to tell her that he's having difficulties believing her words. The part of him that blames himself for how everything turned out is overruling his ability to be rational. He shakes his head and his eyes shift away from hers as that sense of guilt takes root once more. ]

Do you remember how mad you were when I took your right to make your own choice from you? This feels like that again. [ He expects her to still be angry, to be upset that her plans changed because of his actions. She might not want him to blame himself or condemn himself and put himself down, but he's already heading in that direction. ]

Okay. So how can I help with that? I know I'm not on your management team, or even associated with the Bureau, but I want to help, even if it's not glamorous.

[ It doesn't have to be. All he wants is to work alongside Jesse and her people and try to be useful.

And even with his doubts and worries swirling around, all Jesse has to do is touch him to get him to focus. When she sets to work unbuttoning his shirt and trailing her fingers down his front, he very visibly relaxes. He can't remember when it started, this feeling of all but coming undone when she touches him. It doesn't matter where she touches him, he just practically melts in response. When she touches him, he just becomes hers to do whatever she wants with, however she wants it.

But this has to be good for both of them, so he pulls himself together even as she shifts herself against him before turning her attentions to the belt he wears. He shifts too, body rising slightly in response to her fingers sliding below the waistline and trailing along the skin there. Maybe he really is that starved for touch, so even the slightest touch from her garners a reaction. It's not something he can help, but he doesn't want to hold it back either.

He feels her deepen the kiss and he responds immediately to that as well, pressing into it in return, and with the hand that's at her back, he hooks his fingers onto the waistline of her pants and gives it an experimental tug. Maybe now isn't the time to undress each other, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't want to at least tease at the idea.

His other hand comes to rest along her collarbone, fingers ghosting lightly along it even as he continues deepening the kiss. This feels like a dream, but Alan's just hoping that it's real, that they won't have to wake up from it and find themselves alone again. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ A small sigh escapes her. She shakes her head. ] It's not like that. You were trapped in the confines of the story as much as the rest of us. You could only do what you could. If I accepted my role sooner, instead of trying to change it, maybe it wouldn't have lasted so long. [ Jesse pauses and glances down once more. ] Angry wasn't what I was over what happened in the end.

[ « I don't want to say what it was. It'll upset him more. I don't like naming it either. It's the same feeling when I was forced to leave him in the Writer's Room. He's home now. I just want to focus on that. » ]

Let's just focus on the fact you're out of the Dark Place now. Home. Okay? [ Her tone implies the word "please", even if she never says it. ] It's in the past now. We have other things to worry about.

[ A tilt of her head as she thinks. Obviously, they'll be sharing a space together. She can't imagine why they wouldn't. He'll need another task though. Something his skills as a writer can be put to use to some degree. ]

Well, Arish has been doubling up on security and documenting the people we've met in the Fog. It's not the same as writing, but, would you be interested in documenting interviews with people? Just to get to know them. So we know who is who.

[ They have to make the time for each other--that's how Jesse has felt it needs to be. "Return" never allowed for much of it if they were to properly progress it to the end. The Fog would rather see them in trail after trail after trail with nothing but survival. That's not how Jesse is going to let it work. If this Entity has brought the Oldest House here? Then, it can deal with the consequence of the Director calling the shots.

Her heart almost flutters as he raises along her fingers. God, she's missed him so much. Not necessarily being intimate, but the fact it's with him. A pleased sigh breathes against his mouth once the kiss truly deepens. They can go all the way or not. That part doesn't matter. Being with him as just the two of them matters.

She follows the tug at her waistline, pressing against him to agree with his request. Hands leave his waistline for the moment to trail at his arms. A visible shiver takes her with his fingers at her collarbone. It's always been a sensitive spot, regardless if he kisses or just touches it.

His name slips out against his mouth in a breathless motion. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ He hears what she's saying and he wants to believe it; he wants to tell her that he believes it, but the words won't come. Am I losing the words again? Will I just keep on losing the words? I don't want to lose them anymore.

His thoughts are spiraling as the cycle of guilt continues but it's the last thing that Jesse says that brings him up short.

Angry wasn't what I was over what happened in the end. ]

So it's worse than being angry. [ His tone is flatter now, but not the same kind of flatness he uses when the Dark Presence is pulling at him. Nothing is pulling at him but his own guilt that he can't seem to shake off. ] Why does it seem like all I do is... is hurt you?

[ It seems like that because it's true, isn't it? Even though she didn't name the feelings she had, Alan can guess at what they must have been: loss and sadness, most likely, but probably a feeling of letting him down. Well, in his mind, she never let him down. All he's done is let her down, and that's something he'll have to wrestle with for a long time. ]

Home. Yeah. [ All I wanted was to come home. Maybe it'll start to feel real soon. ] Okay. [ He knows what that tone she's using means, that he's only causing her upset by being upset himself. ] Sorry, I'll- I'll be more focused. [ I'll try, anyway.

He listens to her brief explanation of what Arish has been doing, and he finds himself nodding in agreement. ]

Yeah, I can do that. I'm interested. [ Just that admission on its own feels monumental in a way, because he can't remember the last time that he was interested in anything... well, actually, that's not true. He's always been interested in spending time with Jesse. But this feels like a step in the right direction towards finding something like normalcy again. Those intimate moments with Jesse were special, and something he'll never get tired of. They're a normal part of life and living, but something like interviewing the people who turn up here is the closest thing to holding down a job that Alan's done in a very long time.

It probably only makes sense to him, but it feels significant somehow. ]

Do you think he'd mind if I started working on that? He seems easygoing enough, but I don't want to step on anyone's toes.

[ As for going all the way, he'd do it in a second. It's never been difficult for him to lose himself in moments of intimacy with Jesse. Maybe it's too easy for him, but it just feels natural. Right. He tugs at her waist again, as if teasing the possibility of removing her clothes. But what if someone walks in? What if someone needs Jesse for one task or another? How do these trials work anyway?

The possibility of being interrupted is just as much present as ever, so Alan finds himself caught between letting go of his inhibitions and being more controlled. He smiles when he feels her breathlessly say his name against his mouth, and then he briefly pauses his kiss so that he can press his lips to her collarbone, knowing she finds the spot sensitive but pleasant to have touched. One kiss turns into another, followed by several more light kisses trailing down her collarbone, before he presses a deeper one to her mouth once again. ]

[outlierdirector]

No. [ She's quick to interject after his statement. Maybe being heartbroken is worse than the anger. That doesn't mean she's going to let his guilt spiral out of control. Had Alice tried this with him? ] Alan. Stop. It wasn't you who said anything or told me anything. Okay? You weren't the one that did it.

[ Jesse knows it's vague. She doesn't want him upset at Alice or his memory of their life together. Things were contentious enough between them. The last thing he needs to be is angry at his deceased wife. He's a widower

Then, a shake of her head. ] Arish wouldn't mind the help. He respects people's talent and the work they put in. It's not about the titles or the merit. Just, show him you want to help and you'll put the same effort in that he and the others do. That'll win him over.

Unless being in awe of the famous Alan Wake already did that. [ She offers him a playful smile. Fame is something he abhores. Hopefully he just sees she is trying. ] Do you have any questions on all... this? The Oldest House, the Buearu, trails or the Fog?

[ Answering questions seems to be quickly fading as that familiar hunger and pull start to surface. Her hips roll with his tug, signifying she would be more than alright with it. Actions help her more than words. Maybe it's what he needs to help him realize he isn't in the Dark Place now.

She hums in a pleased way at his kisses. It is one of her more sensitive places, and one he seems to always enjoy kissing. The beard against her skin makes her gasp and another pleased sound comes forward. It only turns into a moan once he kisses her again.

A hand slides back to his waistline. Fingers travel once more before coming to a stop at the front. They make quick work of the button and zipper. Then, her hands slides down and over him once. If only to test if he likes the touch over him at all. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ He hears her words and understands them, but even though he's out and the Dark Place doesn't have a hold on him anymore, he still has to wrestle with those voices that tell him he treated her badly. He was unfair to her. He took advantage of her, relying on her when it was convenient, and when he realized he couldn't stay with her, he just left her behind.

No, that's- That's not what I did!

Alan isn't angry with Alice anymore, and the memory of the time they had together hasn't been marred by this, despite the best efforts of the Dark Presence. It's not really happening, because the Dark Presence is gone, but Alan still hears an echo in his mind. Is it his own insecurities and guilt talking? Probably. He wants to cover his ears and desperately try to block it out. But how do you block out something that's in your own mind?

Alice and Jesse are the victims here: your victims. You used both of them, and badly. She might say otherwise, but you know the truth-

Alan shakes his head suddenly, willing the voice in his head to shut the hell up. There might be a grain of truth in what his own mind is beating him over the head with, but that's why he's so desperate to fix what he broke... to fix who he broke. And yes, he knows without Jesse saying it that he caused her heartbreak. ]

You and I both know that's not true. [ He really does want to put this behind them, to not have to think about it anymore, or feel guilty about it. But he's not in that place yet, and unfortunately, it could take him months or years to really move past it. ] I've done so much. Too much, depending on who you ask. It could take a lifetime to make up for it. I'm going to make up for it, starting right now.

[ He manages a smile somehow, and a look of resolve takes hold. ] Then that's what I'll do. I'll have a talk with Arish, and set something up. I'll work hard and do what I can to be useful. [ His smile widens a fraction, recognizing the attempt at humor that she's made. Fame makes him recoil, but he can see the effort she's making to try and smooth things over for everyone involved.

I guess that's why she's the Director. She's good at what she does.

He has some questions still, and maybe he should ask them, but he's decided his questions aren't important. What is important is making up for lost time. Well, sort of, because there's no getting back what they lost in the loops. But they can make new memories and new moments together, whether they go all the way in this moment or not.

And he's slowly beginning to realize that the feeling of freedom and being free is gradually settling in. He can be himself, and he doesn't have to worry about losing more of himself or loops or the Dark Presence or any of the terrible things that came with the Dark Place anymore.

I'm really free. Well, free of that. But we'll be free of this place too, I'm sure of it.

He's not really thinking about how to please himself; no, all he's thinking about is how to make Jesse feel good, whether with his kisses or touches or words, if she needs to hear them. But for now, he just continues kissing deeper, more passionate kisses to her collarbone, her mouth, down her neck... wherever he can reach.

He doesn't stop until he feels her working at loosening the button and zipper and sliding her hand over him. His reaction is instant, as it is whenever she touches him anywhere. His shoulders drop as that feeling of melting beneath her hands surfaces, while his back simultaneously arches with pleasure.

A gasp escapes from him uncontrolled and unhindered, and somehow he manages to say: ]

And I thought you weren't good at people.

[ This is a different kind of "being good", but Alan knows he loves it just as he loves her. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ A gentle look of worry takes her face. She can tell he's struggling with some sort of inner demon she can't help with. Some battles Alan has to win on his own. She can support and help, but she can't slay demons inside his head. She doesn't have a bullet made of light. Although, something tells her this demon has nothing to do with the Dark Place. It's a struggle that's simply Alan Wake's that plagues him now and again.

She shakes her head. ] You didn't tell me how "Return" was supposed to go. What you needed to do for it. How I couldn't... that message didn't come from you at any point in time. I--I knew what I did and felt it eveb before the last loop started. It wasn't you leaving for the Dark Place that did it.

[ « It was just the confirmation. Though, hed probably say thats the proof it was his fault. »

Her eyes light up at the sight of his determination. Something uniquely Alan. One of the little things that makes her love him so much. ] You always work hard, Alan. That's never something I'd need to worry about. I'm sure Arish is going to love working with you. And, no, not just because you're involved with his boss.

[ She's good at empathizing, despite not knowing how to navigate people very well. She can understand paranormal items and how those events change people and support them. Be the example of how you can manage to still be human and find a place in the world when everything else feels opposite. That makes her good at Director. Almost made for the role.

Just as she's the perfect receiver.

His words can certainly set him off. He knows the right combo of words to get any emotional response from her. Negative or positive. All he would need to do is say her name in a certain way, throw in a few other words, then she melts and is at his whims. He already comes close with the kisses to her collarbone, neck, and mouth when he returns to it.

Jesse only blinks once in mild surprise at his reaction before she gives a confident smirk. Her fingers curl slightly as she moves up and down to give a gentle sense of pressure along him. Alan may want to focus on her, but, Jesse has decided that he needs to feel good before her. He needs to feel things here he couldn't in the Dark Place. Just to really enforce the idea he is home. ]

I'm not. [ Her tone then turns slightly smug as she leans in close to him. Her lips press against his ear. Her hand doesn't stop. ] I'm just good at you.

[crazyisinevitable]

[ Too late, he catches sight of that look on Jesse's face, and he realizes he's slipping. These demons are characterized by guilt and blame and a keen awareness of so much of everything that happened being his fault. He'd go as far as to say that it's all his fault, but he knows that Jesse would shut that down in an instant. But didn't all of this start because he decided he had to save his wife? Because he decided he could save her? It doesn't matter that he saved her in the end. Or did he, since she ended up still tormented by the Darkness too?

If he thinks too long about that, he'll start to slip more, and he can't do that right now. ]

But why didn't it come from me? Did I know and forget, or did I never know at all? [ His hand twitches like he wants to reach up and grab onto his hair in frustration. ]

Couldn't I have saved both of us a lot of grief if I'd just figured things out?

[ Alan has to resist the urge to lapse into a moment of brooding over the situations that he caused, either directly or indirectly. There's more important things to do right now. ]

Well, I hope that he does. A lot of people don't. Or they didn't, back then. Can't imagine why. [ He shakes his head and rolls his eyes at himself. A team player, Alan isn't.

He's still unsure how well he'll be able to integrate into things around here, if he does at all. But at least he has Jesse on his side. He hopes to keep it that way, that he doesn't one day drive her off for one reason or another.

But if her actions and her touches right now are any indication, she doesn't seem interested in leaving. That slight sense of pressure elicits a moan from him, and he's too lost in the pleasure of this feeling to be even a little embarrassed about it. The moan is followed by a low gasp, and his eyes lock back onto hers when he registers that slight smug tone in her voice. He sounds breathless, but he manages to say: ]

You're- you're very good. At everything. [ And saying she's good is understating things by quite a bit. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ Jesse sees no point in blame or continually raking over the past in the way Alan's mind does. If it wasn't Alan, it would have been another artist. The Dark Presence hunts for artists to set it free. Anyone could have ended up like Alan--and the public lack the knowledge how to encounter and deal with paranatural forces. While he may not have picked the right options, and it caused damage in their reality? He is willing to take up responsibility and learned from those mistakes.

That's enough for her.

It's more than what Trench did for her brother.

Her gaze drifts to the side with a frown on her face. ] It wasn't the ending we wanted. Right? How could that answer come from you when it was exactly opposite of what we wanted? It had to come from someone else... and one of us had to be willing to step aside and let it play out.

[ Then, her eyes drop entirely to the floor. Water shines in the corner of them. It's clear that she was the one who stepped aside. The one who stopped fighting. Alan had to finish the story. He had to get to the end with Saga to change the ending. She was stopping him from doing it by trying to change it for what they wanted. Even if she didn't mean to be the one to stop him from completing his journey. She was hurting him more than helping him.

Alice wasn't wrong in anything she said. Realizing she was hindering Alan more than helping had hurt. Seeing that she was the one holding everything back despite trying to propel it forward.

She closes her eyes. ]

It worked. Saga helped free you from Scratch. Not that it was she said exactly, but, that was the result. She and Casey back. Now you're home. So, one of us had to let go. [ Jesse tilts her head to compose herself, even as her red locks tumble over her shoulder. ] But, it's over. No point in going over it again.

[ « Even if it hurts still. » ]

Arish will use it to brag to Langston. He oversees the Altered Items we have here in the Oldest House. [ She looks back up at him with a forced smirk. ] Langston was a big fan of Alex Casey--the character, not Agent Casey. I remember he was pretty ticked the Hiss Invasion happened opening night of The Sudden Stop.

[ « Oh, yeah. Langston is going to be jealous that Arish gets to work with the famous Alan Wake. »

She holds his gaze as his eyes lock on hers. Her hand comes to a stop at the waistband of his underwear. Her gaze narrows slightly in a playful manner. Should she keep going? Should she stop? She could slide her hand between the fabric and his skin and be more direct and bring him to an end. What does he want her to do? ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ That knowledge isn't lost on Alan. The Dark Presence focused on him because he was a convenient target, but it could target anyone, any artist. What if this happens again? What if another artist strays into the path of the darkness? Who's going to stop it then? Can Jesse and the Bureau stop the Dark Presence forever, or will it continue to be a threat, spinning its webs and drawing unsuspecting people in like a spider?

It seems as though Alan can't help but worry about his role in things and what might happen in the future. Maybe if it came to it, he'd use what he can do to try and push back. No one else needs to be dragged in by the Dark Presence. At least that's one thing he can be determined about. ]

No, it wasn't, but- it wasn't... It was my fault too. My fault I didn't figure it out. [ Because he knows she's taking the blame for it, at least inwardly. She wasn't ever supposed to shoulder that blame. The blame should fall on him for not being smarter. Cleverer. ] It shouldn't have fallen to you to fix it. I should have fixed it without dragging you in. Without hurting you.

[ He reaches for her to brush his fingers against her cheek. ] You'd be right to never forgive me for that. [ He pauses for a moment and then he adds: ] It's over, but that doesn't mean it's all forgotten about.

[ He knows he hasn't forgotten about it, and to him, it appears as though she hasn't forgotten about it either. But they do need to put it behind them and move on from here and figure out how to navigate things together going forward. ]

Honestly, I don't understand that. I get that people are fans, that they like the movies. But- [ He looks confused for a moment. ] Shouldn't they like the people who made them? The people who act in them?

The world moved on while I was- while I was away, and that's fine. That's how it's supposed to be.

[ Simply put, he doesn't really think he's "the famous Alan Wake" anymore. His return will probably get people buzzing, and then the buzz will fade and something else will take its place.

But that's perfectly fine with Alan. All he wants is to just live with Jesse on their terms and however they decide. When her hand stops at the waistband, his eyebrows lift in a questioning expression. She could keep going, or she could stop. Either way, he'd pull him in for more kisses. But he's already aroused, and he knows it wouldn't take too much more from her to see him fall over the edge to climax and then relaxing again.

He slides his hand down from where his fingers brushed her cheek to ghost along her chest and the tops of her breasts as if to ask without words if she wants to be brought to the edge as well. Maybe it's not the answer she wants, but he figures this should be good for both of them.

Eventually, they'll have to end this tryst, or they'll be forced to do so by a trial or something else. And, of course, he imagines Jesse will have to leave to carry out her actual responsibilities at some point. Until then, Alan's just going to keep going. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ The Buearu hasn't found how to stop the Dark Presence from entering their world period. Maybe it will calm down now that Alan is free from the Dark Place. Yet, even then, another artist could just easily be drawn there and it happen again. Wasn't that what had happened to Thomas Zane as well? It's a cycle that repeats itself--loops even. Just like the Dark Place itself.

Alan is their best chance at learning and understanding the Dark Place. ]

That's what I do as the Director. I fix things. I stop them. It's how I lead my Bureau. No one else could put a stop to it in that way. It had to be me. [ She knows it. That's why Alice reached out to her. Alan was too lost to stop it. He had something else that was his role in it all. Hers--and Polaris'--was to be the guiding star. They just got too close to one another.

« Or, maybe, we had to go through it all so he could trust me. Otherwise he may not have let us guide him like we did. »

She leans her cheek into his hand but doesn't say more on it. ]

I think it's both. They like the people who brought the broody detective to life. But, it'd only work because of the author behind the man. Or, I guess, the author behind the character that was based on a man? Unknowingly, though.

It's moved on in some ways. Not a lot in others.

[ Jesse watches him intently for an unspoken answer. Alan seems really only decisive and forward when there's a goal in mind. None of this has a goal. It's just them, being themselves, which means any of it can go either way. Both would be fine with whatever way it went as long as they're there together.

Her gaze almost seems to laser focus on him the moment his fingers trail down. Neck, exposed collar bone, and over the top of her breasts. She inhales sharply as her body immediately reacts to his touch. The hips against his other hand rock slightly. Her breasts react to him as well. Yes, she wants his touch, but she wants him to feel good as well.

He's been the one trapped in a nightmare dimension. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ Maybe the thought hasn't occurred to Alan yet, but maybe if he worked with the Bureau in whatever capacity they let him, he can use what he knows and has gone through to finally stop the Dark Presence for good. Maybe it's a fool's hope and it'll never happen, but he hates the idea of anyone having to go through what he has. So, whenever that time comes, everything Alan knows might as well be laid out for the Bureau to use however they can. ]

Do you fix things that other people broke? [ He remembers her saying that there was a lot to do in the wake of the previous Directors, so he figures her answer is "yes", but all he can see and all he can think of is the damage he's caused. It should be his responsibility to fix. But she's right in saying that he wasn't in a position to fix it. Still, it doesn't sit right with him that she had to shoulder what should have been his responsibility. ]

I'm sorry, Jesse. Sorry that you had to take it on. I'm sorry that I didn't do more. Losing myself in the loops and spirals wasn't fixing it.

[ I don't know if I believe her when she says it's her fault that it went on as long as it did. Deep down, I don't think I do. I dragged it out, believing I was making progress. I wasn't, was I?

But if he could hear her thoughts, he'd agree with her, as far as him learning to trust her is concerned.

He's still not entirely sure what to think about the turns his books have taken, but maybe he doesn't need to have an opinion about them. He wrote them, people liked them, and they were liked enough to be adapted into movies. Maybe that's all the thinking he needs to do about that subject.

He just wants to touch her, for mostly selfish reasons. He was alone for so long with no one else around, and while the idea of large crowds is something he's not fully certain of, he missed her. He missed being with her, talking to her, touching her... He continues his touches even as her hips rock slightly, an action that further lights up his senses and his desire for her.

She definitely doesn't have to work hard to make him feel good. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ Hopefully, a time soon. Their current delimma overshadows the Oldest House. Literally. There are places where the Entity seems to peek in, or places where otherworldly spider limbs pierce through. It's taken time and work just to reclaim what they have -- in between doing the Trails the Entity seems to enjoy oh so much. It's part of everything she has to explain to him. There's so much of what's going on that he needs to know, and all she can focus on is the fact he's in the same room as her again. Not drowned out, not confused, not halfway possessed by another alien Entity or doppleganger.

He's awake and there with her.

That fact alone overrides anything else in her mind. Even if a part of her still argues that the Buearu and the threat has to come first. She's the Director. She needs to be there leading her team and the survivors they've found.

« That's how Northmoor and Trench failed in the end. It became about power or the Buearu consuming their lives. I can't let that happen to me. There has to be something of me that doesn't belong to the Bureau or the Board. Dylan and Alan. They can be tied to the weird world we live in... to YOU... but I can't always be the Director to them. Otherwise, what's going to be left of Jesse Faden? » ]

Yeah. It seems like it. [ Jesse shrugs slightly. ] I was part of the mess Darling and Trench made with Ordinary. It only made sense I cleaned it up. The rest... well, I guess they're just inherited problems. The old Bureau didn't really solve problems.

[ « But they did like finding new dimensions and new sciences. Just, not always dealing with the consequences after them. » ]

We can talk about it later. [ As, honestly, this isn't how she wants to spend their reunion. They can talk about their mess once he's settled in and informed of the current mess. ] It's... not really what I want to talk about right now.

[ Not that she's doing much talking.

His hand travels down further and she shivers in excitement. Her eyes are laser focused on his, hoping her reactions can communicate where words always fail her. A certain thrill runs through her whenever he allows that confidence to come out and move around her. The same thrill that causes the pleased sound to leave her as he travels down and between her legs. It should be obvious then that seeing his arousal was doing the same to her. She just hid it.

Jesse rocks against his hand, positioning herself so he can move easily over her. She leans forward, pressing her clothes chest against his. Breathing deepens and her eyes darken. She missed him just as much--in all aspects of their convoluted relationship. Shifting her hips again she angles herself entirely against his hand and gasps at the feel of his fingers.

God, she missed him.

Her hips move just as his did. Her eyes flutter shut as the motion and feeling starts to take over. This is one thing she doesn't mind losing control over, because she trusts Alan. The loop of "Return" that became reality may not have had them in it like this, but her body hasn't forgotten the feel of his. One hand reaches for his free one and guides it up her side and to her breast, giving him permission to touch her elsewhere if he wants. She continues to rock against his hand and small gasps manage to escape.

Until her hips move a certain way. A powerful shock goes through her and she moans gently. The kind she does when she is close to letting him take control. She feels almost embarrassed deep down, as usually it takes longer for her to reach this point. She breathes his name against his neck and moans again. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

[ If that time does in fact come soon, Alan knows without question that he wants to help. He wants to lend whatever knowledge he has that might be useful to the Bureau to them. To Jesse. It does give something to hold onto, something to focus on along with the longing to just be home with Jesse for good. Having goals gives Alan focus and determination, and given his uncertainty about writing again, it helps.

She says yes just like he thought he would, but somehow, it doesn't really do much to lessen the guilt he feels. ]

So... So by that logic, I should clean up this mess because I'm the one who made it. I don't want to be like the old Bureau who doesn't solve problems, especially problems that I created. Problems I'm responsible for making.

[ He's just stating what he believes to be true. She might present arguments to the contrary, but a lot of the responsibility for it all does rest on his shoulders. But in all honesty, he doesn't want to talk about this anymore either.

It's something that should be put in the past now that it's over so that they can both move on.

And moving on together is what Alan wants most. He knows that she responds to him touching her anywhere that he can reach, but he wants to find that one place that makes her respond the most. The obvious place is her breasts, and she guides his hand to rest against hers. He cups it in his hand and gives a light stroke followed by an equally light squeeze. He's certain it's a sensitive area, and the last thing he wants is to cause her discomfort. She doesn't seem to be anything but enjoying the feel of his touch, but he has to be sure.

But there's no mistaking the way she gasps and moans for anything but sheer pleasure, and Alan takes that as the encouragement he needs. She breathes his name against him, which only confirms it further. ]

Jesse, I love you. [ His tone is something she's thought of as unique to him, and it's the tone he uses just for her, when he has something specific he wants to express. She's heard variations of it before, in moments when he was desperate and trying to hold on, and in moments when it seemed like he was losing his grip. But now, in this moment, there's just love and a need to state that love out loud, to drive away any doubts that might somehow be lingering. ]

[outlierdirector]

Alan, you weren't able to. None of us knew how the Dark Place affected our reality. Okay? Besides, the Buearu had our fingers in it as well. I had to go and investigate what was going on with our satellite site. Not every single aspect of what happened was your fault. [ Most of it, maybe. She still can't entirely blame him when "Return" only happened because the Dark Place broke him and Scratch took over him to write a story. ] But, I'll still take your help with anything related to it all. Whatever you can remember.

[ They need a lot of documentation to really understand the Dark Presence. There's no one better than someone who was trapped there. Part of it feels like exploitation to a degree. It's why she wants to take it slow and allow him to adjust before dragging him back into the nightmares he faced for thirteen years. Alan, though, seems to have other ideas.

Together seems to be apart of those ideas too.

He certainly knows some of her sensitive places. Her collarbone is one of them, but he could also just say anything the right way and it would wind her up. He would insist that he isn't a master wordsmith. She'd disagree because he seems to find the words and the combinations to get reactions from her everytime. His touches only add to it. The way his hands moves at her chest and between her legs make her back arc and she's torn between leaning further into his touch or back onto the desk.

Jesse, I love you.

A shaking exhale leaves her. That emotional cord is struck. She leans entirely into his hands and presses her forehead to his shoulder. Gentle kisses are placed to his neck. She can't very well answer him with her own words like this, but he probably knows that. Her breathing becomes erratic and she raises her hand. It slides back down between the clothing, and over him. She does her best to move at the same time his hands do, but she finds it hard when everything in her wants to just let go and have him do what he wants. ]

[crazyisinevitable]

But- [ Alan knows his expressions gives it away that he's finding it difficult to really believe and accept her words as fact and truth. He can't stop his mind from chastising him with reprimands.

"If only you'd been more on top of things and more perceptive, maybe you would have known how to deal with the issue."

"If you'd just been stronger, it wouldn't have been so easy for Scratch to overpower you and write Return."

"Alan, it's your fault that things got so bad."

Those reprimands linger in his mind even as he pulls himself out of his thoughts and focuses back on Jesse. ]

It'll always feel like everything was my fault. I'll always feel like if I'd been better or stronger or more capable, I could have done more. I would have still needed your help, but maybe I could have gotten farther. And that's why I know I have to make myself useful to you and the Bureau, even if- even if it's hard and uncomfortable and...

[ Unknowingly, Alan's thoughts are echoing Jesse's, in part. He doesn't want to have to relive the nightmares again, but he'll face them if it helps her and the Bureau end the threat for good. It's the least he can do after all the damage he's caused.

It seems that he has a lot to make up for, to take action to help fix what he's done. Being intimate like this with Jesse falls in that category, but it's not only to help fix what he broke. It's because he's missed her and he wants to be with her in ways he wasn't able to be before. Nothing's holding him back now, and he doesn't intend to be held back again.

He just wants to please her, to bring her to a place of pleasure, and doing so makes him feel pleasure too, so he just continues touching her wherever his hands can reach, watching to see how she reacts. Her back arches and he rocks his hips against hers even as he hears that shaky exhale and feels her press her forehead to his shoulder. The trailing kisses on his neck send shivers up his spine, and he gives another squeeze, a little more involuntarily this time but no less lovingly. He rocks against her again, applying just a fraction more pressure and speed this time, because it seems that his passions have full control now, having taken the proverbial reins, and he just wants to thrill both of them, losing themselves in the moment. ]

[outlierdirector]

[ A small smile touches her face at his protest. It's not hard to tell when Alan's imagination is running away with things. He is his own worst enemy, and no amount of magical endings to a story would solve that. She doubts hell ever be fully free of his own doubts and shades, just like Ordinary will always haunt her in some ways. Some things are too much of a shadow to shrug off and pretend isn't there.

« But that doesn't mean we let those things control us. We face them as many times as needed head on and overcoem them. » ]

That's why you learn from it and don't repeat it. Make better next time. [ Her head tilts slightly, causing her red hair to fall over her shoulder. The light from the back "window" catches it to almost make it glow. ] We're human, Alan. Even with our weird powers.

[ Still, it's a conversion for later.

He rocks against her and whatever lingering focus was on the Bureau, the Trails, the Entity? It doesn't matter. Being with him again matters.

They weren't able to be together in the final loop around--the final version of "Return." Not in the way either of them wanted. Maybe Alan has fleeting memories of those times they were together, but Jesse remembers a few as if they did really happen. Injured in a motel room. Trying to be close as possible in the Sherrif's Office. A handful of other instances--something in the Motel. Her body remembers more than anything it seems.

And the part of her that is so deeply tied to Polaris.

The Champion of Light is in the Fog. They can amplify each other again. Maybe turn the tide.

Oh, she's certainly thrilled.

Her hands leave him once more to tend to her shirt. The buttons on the formal shirt each come undone and she pulls it off as quickly as possible, while still trying to move her hips against his hand. Next, she slides her pants and underwear down, despite the sound of protest that leaves at having to break contact with his hand.

She kicks the shoes and pants off to the side, leaning backwards slightly on the desk. One hand steadies herself as the other reaches up and tugs on the waist band of his underwear. It doesn't matter if her bra is still on or if his shirt is still hanging off his frame. That gravitational pull demands to be satisfied in that moment... and she has missed how he makes her feel. How no matter how passionate or in the moment they get? She can still feel how much he loves her and how that drives his actions to please them both.

Jesse even misses the words he says to bring her to the edge. ]

Alan...

[crazyisinevitable]

[ If Alan could remove the things that haunt them both by sheer force of will, he'd already have done it. Jesse deserves to be free of the guilt and the bad memories, while still carrying with her the lessons she learned from those things. She deserves to have her brother back, and her parents too, but one of those things seems more attainable than the other. Of course Alan believes wholeheartedly that Dylan will one day wake up. Jesse will have her brother back. He's confident in it.

He's less confident in his own issues and whether or not they'll ever fully be rseolved. Like Jesse, he doubts that that'll ever happen. Even if the Dark Presence hadn't turned his mind into its personal playground, the foundation for all his doubts and insecurities had been laid long ago. And he knows full well that he's not as in control of himself as Jesse is. Maybe if he'd been more like her and maintained better control of his thoughts and impulses and everything in between, he'd be in a better position to deal with this now. ]

I'm trying to, but I'm a slow learner, if I learn at all. [ It's not knocking himself just because he can. It's the truth, or he believes that it is. ] Human. Yeah. [ They're human with limitations, and it's those limitations that Alan hates. He hates his weaknesses, hates how easy it is for him to be manipulated. Granted, the kind of manipulation perpetuated by the Dark Presence is insidious. Strong. Almost impossible to resist. How many people have fallen prey to it? That doesn't really make him feel better. He's just the latest in a long, long line.

He feels himself starting to become tense, stressed... it's not how he wants to be. He doesn't want to pull himself out of this moment, away from this togetherness with Jesse. He won't let his fears drag him away, not again. It's a fight to push those fears aside, to will the tension to fade.

He forces his attention to focus on Jesse as she systematically begins to undress. Her shirt comes off, as does her pants and underwear. She's as beautiful as ever. Alan believes she'll always be beautiful.

As for what clothes he still has on, his shirt is hanging off his frame, and his pants are unbuttoned and unzipped, of course, because she did that earlier in this encounter. He wants to be less clothed around her, a fact that might be awkward if someone walks in on them, but he doesn't care about that as he removes his shirt and tosses it to the side, not paying attention to where it lands. ]

Jesse. [ He has a request to make of her, and he's certain she'll know what he means. ] Will you follow me? [ She could lead him anywhere, to anything, and he'd follow. He's certain she'd do the same, after everything, and maybe that's the nice thing about their relationship. It's a give-and-take, with both of them leading at times and following at others. Or at least, that's the feeling that Alan has about how to characterize things. ]