synthneon | dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

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dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

DEAD OF NIGHT

Carve the secrets from your bruised still heart.

Shape my story, tear every page apart
Inside this room, you left your mark
I burn away the shadows, I strike a spark CODE BY TESSISAMESS

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[ If that time does in fact come soon, Alan knows without question that he wants to help. He wants to lend whatever knowledge he has that might be useful to the Bureau to them. To Jesse. It does give something to hold onto, something to focus on along with the longing to just be home with Jesse for good. Having goals gives Alan focus and determination, and given his uncertainty about writing again, it helps.

She says yes just like he thought he would, but somehow, it doesn't really do much to lessen the guilt he feels. ]

So... So by that logic, I should clean up this mess because I'm the one who made it. I don't want to be like the old Bureau who doesn't solve problems, especially problems that I created. Problems I'm responsible for making.

[ He's just stating what he believes to be true. She might present arguments to the contrary, but a lot of the responsibility for it all does rest on his shoulders. But in all honesty, he doesn't want to talk about this anymore either.

It's something that should be put in the past now that it's over so that they can both move on.

And moving on together is what Alan wants most. He knows that she responds to him touching her anywhere that he can reach, but he wants to find that one place that makes her respond the most. The obvious place is her breasts, and she guides his hand to rest against hers. He cups it in his hand and gives a light stroke followed by an equally light squeeze. He's certain it's a sensitive area, and the last thing he wants is to cause her discomfort. She doesn't seem to be anything but enjoying the feel of his touch, but he has to be sure.

But there's no mistaking the way she gasps and moans for anything but sheer pleasure, and Alan takes that as the encouragement he needs. She breathes his name against him, which only confirms it further. ]

Jesse, I love you. [ His tone is something she's thought of as unique to him, and it's the tone he uses just for her, when he has something specific he wants to express. She's heard variations of it before, in moments when he was desperate and trying to hold on, and in moments when it seemed like he was losing his grip. But now, in this moment, there's just love and a need to state that love out loud, to drive away any doubts that might somehow be lingering. ]

Alan, you weren't able to. None of us knew how the Dark Place affected our reality. Okay? Besides, the Buearu had our fingers in it as well. I had to go and investigate what was going on with our satellite site. Not every single aspect of what happened was your fault. [ Most of it, maybe. She still can't entirely blame him when "Return" only happened because the Dark Place broke him and Scratch took over him to write a story. ] But, I'll still take your help with anything related to it all. Whatever you can remember.

[ They need a lot of documentation to really understand the Dark Presence. There's no one better than someone who was trapped there. Part of it feels like exploitation to a degree. It's why she wants to take it slow and allow him to adjust before dragging him back into the nightmares he faced for thirteen years. Alan, though, seems to have other ideas.

Together seems to be apart of those ideas too.

He certainly knows some of her sensitive places. Her collarbone is one of them, but he could also just say anything the right way and it would wind her up. He would insist that he isn't a master wordsmith. She'd disagree because he seems to find the words and the combinations to get reactions from her everytime. His touches only add to it. The way his hands moves at her chest and between her legs make her back arc and she's torn between leaning further into his touch or back onto the desk.

Jesse, I love you.

A shaking exhale leaves her. That emotional cord is struck. She leans entirely into his hands and presses her forehead to his shoulder. Gentle kisses are placed to his neck. She can't very well answer him with her own words like this, but he probably knows that. Her breathing becomes erratic and she raises her hand. It slides back down between the clothing, and over him. She does her best to move at the same time his hands do, but she finds it hard when everything in her wants to just let go and have him do what he wants. ]

But- [ Alan knows his expressions gives it away that he's finding it difficult to really believe and accept her words as fact and truth. He can't stop his mind from chastising him with reprimands.

"If only you'd been more on top of things and more perceptive, maybe you would have known how to deal with the issue."

"If you'd just been stronger, it wouldn't have been so easy for Scratch to overpower you and write Return."

"Alan, it's your fault that things got so bad."

Those reprimands linger in his mind even as he pulls himself out of his thoughts and focuses back on Jesse. ]

It'll always feel like everything was my fault. I'll always feel like if I'd been better or stronger or more capable, I could have done more. I would have still needed your help, but maybe I could have gotten farther. And that's why I know I have to make myself useful to you and the Bureau, even if- even if it's hard and uncomfortable and...

[ Unknowingly, Alan's thoughts are echoing Jesse's, in part. He doesn't want to have to relive the nightmares again, but he'll face them if it helps her and the Bureau end the threat for good. It's the least he can do after all the damage he's caused.

It seems that he has a lot to make up for, to take action to help fix what he's done. Being intimate like this with Jesse falls in that category, but it's not only to help fix what he broke. It's because he's missed her and he wants to be with her in ways he wasn't able to be before. Nothing's holding him back now, and he doesn't intend to be held back again.

He just wants to please her, to bring her to a place of pleasure, and doing so makes him feel pleasure too, so he just continues touching her wherever his hands can reach, watching to see how she reacts. Her back arches and he rocks his hips against hers even as he hears that shaky exhale and feels her press her forehead to his shoulder. The trailing kisses on his neck send shivers up his spine, and he gives another squeeze, a little more involuntarily this time but no less lovingly. He rocks against her again, applying just a fraction more pressure and speed this time, because it seems that his passions have full control now, having taken the proverbial reins, and he just wants to thrill both of them, losing themselves in the moment. ]

[ A small smile touches her face at his protest. It's not hard to tell when Alan's imagination is running away with things. He is his own worst enemy, and no amount of magical endings to a story would solve that. She doubts hell ever be fully free of his own doubts and shades, just like Ordinary will always haunt her in some ways. Some things are too much of a shadow to shrug off and pretend isn't there.

« But that doesn't mean we let those things control us. We face them as many times as needed head on and overcoem them. » ]

That's why you learn from it and don't repeat it. Make better next time. [ Her head tilts slightly, causing her red hair to fall over her shoulder. The light from the back "window" catches it to almost make it glow. ] We're human, Alan. Even with our weird powers.

[ Still, it's a conversion for later.

He rocks against her and whatever lingering focus was on the Bureau, the Trails, the Entity? It doesn't matter. Being with him again matters.

They weren't able to be together in the final loop around--the final version of "Return." Not in the way either of them wanted. Maybe Alan has fleeting memories of those times they were together, but Jesse remembers a few as if they did really happen. Injured in a motel room. Trying to be close as possible in the Sherrif's Office. A handful of other instances--something in the Motel. Her body remembers more than anything it seems.

And the part of her that is so deeply tied to Polaris.

The Champion of Light is in the Fog. They can amplify each other again. Maybe turn the tide.

Oh, she's certainly thrilled.

Her hands leave him once more to tend to her shirt. The buttons on the formal shirt each come undone and she pulls it off as quickly as possible, while still trying to move her hips against his hand. Next, she slides her pants and underwear down, despite the sound of protest that leaves at having to break contact with his hand.

She kicks the shoes and pants off to the side, leaning backwards slightly on the desk. One hand steadies herself as the other reaches up and tugs on the waist band of his underwear. It doesn't matter if her bra is still on or if his shirt is still hanging off his frame. That gravitational pull demands to be satisfied in that moment... and she has missed how he makes her feel. How no matter how passionate or in the moment they get? She can still feel how much he loves her and how that drives his actions to please them both.

Jesse even misses the words he says to bring her to the edge. ]

Alan...

[ If Alan could remove the things that haunt them both by sheer force of will, he'd already have done it. Jesse deserves to be free of the guilt and the bad memories, while still carrying with her the lessons she learned from those things. She deserves to have her brother back, and her parents too, but one of those things seems more attainable than the other. Of course Alan believes wholeheartedly that Dylan will one day wake up. Jesse will have her brother back. He's confident in it.

He's less confident in his own issues and whether or not they'll ever fully be rseolved. Like Jesse, he doubts that that'll ever happen. Even if the Dark Presence hadn't turned his mind into its personal playground, the foundation for all his doubts and insecurities had been laid long ago. And he knows full well that he's not as in control of himself as Jesse is. Maybe if he'd been more like her and maintained better control of his thoughts and impulses and everything in between, he'd be in a better position to deal with this now. ]

I'm trying to, but I'm a slow learner, if I learn at all. [ It's not knocking himself just because he can. It's the truth, or he believes that it is. ] Human. Yeah. [ They're human with limitations, and it's those limitations that Alan hates. He hates his weaknesses, hates how easy it is for him to be manipulated. Granted, the kind of manipulation perpetuated by the Dark Presence is insidious. Strong. Almost impossible to resist. How many people have fallen prey to it? That doesn't really make him feel better. He's just the latest in a long, long line.

He feels himself starting to become tense, stressed... it's not how he wants to be. He doesn't want to pull himself out of this moment, away from this togetherness with Jesse. He won't let his fears drag him away, not again. It's a fight to push those fears aside, to will the tension to fade.

He forces his attention to focus on Jesse as she systematically begins to undress. Her shirt comes off, as does her pants and underwear. She's as beautiful as ever. Alan believes she'll always be beautiful.

As for what clothes he still has on, his shirt is hanging off his frame, and his pants are unbuttoned and unzipped, of course, because she did that earlier in this encounter. He wants to be less clothed around her, a fact that might be awkward if someone walks in on them, but he doesn't care about that as he removes his shirt and tosses it to the side, not paying attention to where it lands. ]

Jesse. [ He has a request to make of her, and he's certain she'll know what he means. ] Will you follow me? [ She could lead him anywhere, to anything, and he'd follow. He's certain she'd do the same, after everything, and maybe that's the nice thing about their relationship. It's a give-and-take, with both of them leading at times and following at others. Or at least, that's the feeling that Alan has about how to characterize things. ]

[ She would argue there would be no reason to be different without those things that haunt them. She's learned that the light and dark are both things someone needs--it's about control. Or, balance, you could call it. Without Ordinary, she'd never have Polaris or be the Director. Maybe she'd still have Dylan, but, their lives would be so different she wouldn't even be the same person. Which would mean she'd never meet her management team, right hand ranger, or Alan. It was worth going through everything in the end... even if only Polaris really knew where they were going.

A small smile is given at his statement. She figures he'll never really agree. It might be fine in the end. They need to disagree and still be their own respective minds. Otherwise it's hardly a partnership or a relationship. She doesn't need someone who says yes to everything.

Her eyes immediately move to watching him toss his shirt off. A flicker of worry crosses her gaze and she focuses in on his stitches. The wound is pretty bad, even with the stitches in place. They probably shouldn't be doing this with his injury, but caution has been thrown to the wind at this rate. Didn't they do something similar with injuries...?

Jesse's attention moves back to him properly when he says her name the way he does. She inhales sharply, feeling everything in her clench. Her hands curl slightly on the desk
A sudden urge to just throw herself at him and let him control everything rises in her. He really could just say her name when she is wound up and she's undo at the seams for him.

She sits back up, legs curling slightly around his. Jesse leans forward to ghost her lips over his, more caring he is still dressed on the bottom than her bra is still on. ]

Yes, [ The answer leaves her in a breath before she can really think on the answer. ] I already followed you into the Dark. [ She figures he means something more metaphoric, but, she wants her point to be known. She'd follow after him no matter what or where as long as she can. ]

[ And he would argue in return that they can carry with them the lessons they've learned, but do they have to be haunted by those things forever? For Alan, it's difficult to imagine himself not being haunted by something, but he wants Jesse to be free of that, if it's what she wants too. But maybe there really is no separating the lessons from the events that led to them. He knows he doesn't have the answer to that, because how could he? He might receive visions of things at times, but that hardly makes him all knowing.

He wants to agree. He wants to be on the same page as her. He'd even say yes to everything she asks or wants because he loves her that much. But at the same time, he knows that's not really how a healthy relationship works, not that he has much experience with a really healthy relationship.

Removing the shirt probably is going against medical advice, as the site of his injury is barely healed, and he's all too aware that he could accidentally tear out the stitches, but he's not thinking about the risks right now, even though his injury protests and hurts more than he'd like to admit.

It doesn't matter to him, in the end. What matters is being with Jesse, being able to touch her, talk to her, and everything in between. There's a part of him that's not entirely sure just what he means by "follow him". There's a million interpretations, a million meanings, but all Alan wants is to just have her there. A thought forms and he pushes it aside just as quickly, because he won't let himself think about the possibility of her leaving this place and him returning to the Dark Place alone. ]

Stay with me, Jesse. [ It's worded as a command, but Alan's tone makes it sound like more of a request, a desperate one. ] Will you stay with me? [ Maybe if she says yes, he can stay with her and follow her out of this place and back to their reality. ]

[ Maybe haunted is the wrong word. Remembering the painful things doesn't need to be something that hangs over them. A memory that revists to sting not and again before passing away almost like the waves. Although, analogies of the water or waves is something she'd rather never deal with again after Cauldron Lake. Alan probably even less so.

Her eyes are trained on his injured shoulder once more as he shifts. Worry is clear in that gaze. He just received the wound and had it stitched. If anything, she should be putting a protective bandage over it. Instead, they're all but nude, hearts racing, adrenaline kicking in, and those otherworldly forces that touched them demanding to be sated. Or at least the connection to Polaris seems to be that way. She has no idea how Alan feels on it--if he feels anything at all.

Her weight shifts on the desk. Hips line against his so she can feel him through his clothing. That, however, isn't her focus in that moment. Hands raise from supporting her now that her weight has shifted. They gently rest on either side of his face, making sure his gray eyes are focused on her green ones. His entire focus was most likely already on her, but, she wants to make certain nothing else distracts him. ]

Will you let me stay with you? [ Her tone and gaze are gentle, even if her statement sounds as if it could be a biting accusation. Instead, she sounds enthralled with him and also a hint of worry he'll have made something that pulls them apart. ] You ask, I do it. [ Her lips brush against his. ] Taking care of Hartman. Going to Bright Falls. Finding your room in the the Lake...

[ Jesse let's her fingertips brush down the sides of his jaw. ] Let me stay with you and I will. Both of us will.

[ It's not possible to totally remove those difficult memories and hard occasions, but the sentimental side of Alan still wishes to just see Jesse being happy and content without the baggage of the past. But of course, on a more logical level, he knows that those kinds of experiences can serve as reminders of the journey, the steps that were taken to get to this point. Not everyone wants to erase those memories, no matter how difficult they are, especially if they were formative ones. Which it's clear to him that Jesse's past memories are formative for her.

He just regrets that her memories have to include the times he hurt her or left her behind, knowing just how much those experiences affected her. He's not stupid enough to think that he can ever fully erase the hurt he caused.

Maybe removing his shirt and leaving the stitched wound exposed is unwise, but Alan's not thinking about that. He's not thinking about what discomfort he might experience, or the risk he's running about potentially reopening the wound. No, he just wants to be with Jesse, to feel her and touch her and love her as he should have done. Properly. No obstructions. No barriers. Just them.

He feels the way her weight shifts and how her hips line up against his. He feels her pressing herself to him, and a surge of desire wells up inside. But then her hands slide to both sides of his face as if she's making sure he's looking at her. That old feeling of guilt tries to surface then too, and his gaze lowers, but he can't look down with how she's resting her hands on his face.

That feeling of guilt rises more when she asks that question in return. Her tone is gentle, but he knows there's an implication in it, or at least- he feels like there is. How many times has she had to leave him, either because the loops made it that way, or because she was removed unwillingly, leaving him behind?

But maybe now is the right time: maybe now she can stay with him, because even with that guilt, he doesn't want to let her go. ]

I will. I want to. [ His gaze remains lowered, and the tone of his voice still contains notes of guilt, but there's resolve there too. Determination. ] I want you to stay with me. No separations, not anymore. No more leaving you behind. No more loops.

[ Except he's beginning to have a suspicion that in a way, this is another loop, just a different kind. He has yet to have that suspicion confirmed, but he hopes that he's wrong. They've had more than enough of loops. ]

We're going to stay together this time. I'll make sure of it. [ Her fingers brush against his jaw, which might not be what people think of as a particularly sensitive spot, but the sensation sends a shiver up Alan's spine, and for just a second, his eyes slide closed before opening again. ]

I love you. You know that, right?

[ He'd say it to her every day anyway, to further underscore just how much he loves her. ]

[ She certainly would be a different person without those experiences and memories. He may not have even turned his head and looked at her if not for the weirdness that surrounds her life. He certainly wouldn't have written about her if she wasn't in the Oldest House. They never would have met if not for Polaris.

He may not be able to erase the hurt, but he can certainly help mend it. Being here with her out of the Dark Place has already started that process. It means he can come home with her.

Her eyes move until they catch his despite how he looks down. No anger resides in her gaze. Maybe some hurt, but more than anything, the expression of vulnerability shines through. Worry he might disappear again, worry he will slip away in his mind again, and also the look of adorement. She loves him, even if her words aren't as good as his to express it.

Her heart pounds at the sound of his resolve. His determination is not only inspiring, but arousing in this state of mind. Her hips press to his again. ]

Okay. [ She nods to his statements. She'll stay with him. Since she will, so will Polaris. Though the alien resonance wouldn't mind anything that empowers her. ] We stay together. Then, we go home.

[ Her forehead presses to his. ] Yeah, I do... and I love you too.

[ Logically, that may very well be true. They could have passed each other by entirely, never stopping to look for the other, but the romantic side of Alan remains convinced that somehow, they would have found each other. But perhaps at the heart of all of it, what Alan wishes for most is that he could bring Jesse's family back to her. Her parents are gone, but Dylan is still here. He believes that one day, Dylan will wake up.

As for mending the hurt he caused, he is fully committed to seeing it mended. He wants to be someone she can count on, someone reliable who won't break his promises and leave her behind again.

Her eyes catch his and he has to work hard to not avert his gaze from hers. He still has a lot of unaddressed guilt and other feelings relating to how he's treated her. What he's put her through. She might think that he's started the process of mending the hurt he's caused, but as always, he's taking his time reaching that point as well.

But he's confident in one thing: they'll get there together, even if she has to hold his hand along the way. He hopes she's there to hold his hand as they go along this path. ]

I want this more than I've ever wanted anything. I- [ He thinks back to the times he thought he was closer to getting out, to going home. The overlaps made him think he was close. Seeing Parliament Tower was another thing that contributed to that thought. How he ended up in this place nearly had him convinced, except that turned out to be an illusion. If anyone ever says illusions can't hurt a person, Alan would like to have a word with that person. ]

After all... [ He tries to interject humor into his voice to match the smile on his face and in his eyes. ] I've made you wait long enough. No more waiting. No more being alone. Except, you're never really alone, not with Polaris there to guide you.

[ In a way, he's glad that the guiding star is always there. ]

Home... That's a nice sounding word. [ And home is where Jesse is, so it sounds even nicer to Alan's ears. He leans in until his forehead is pressed against hers too. ]

I want to be there with you every day, so I can tell you I love you every day. And every night when you come home.

[ Dyaln is... somewhere. In the Fog. They've secured the Central Executive area, but, his holding cells is empty. All she can hope is that he has regained consciousness and Polaris will lead him back to the Oldest House. She can't do more than that.

And she hates the fact she can't.

Maybe they are the only versions of themselves that have found each other. Maybe all the other versions of Alan Wake--named or not--still have their Alice waiting for them. Not that Jesse is trying to be unique. She just has an idea of how much pain it caused Alan to lose Alice when he wasn't even there to lose her.

« Sometimes I wonder if it would of been better for him to find Alice instead of me. Us. »

Her eyes light up when he makes contact with hers. She still loves him, despite everything. Maybe she shouldn't. These sort of relationships are foreign to her. She doesn't know if it's good or bad to still want to be with him after everything. Her instincts tell her that she should, but, how much of that is because Polaris wants something to amplify herself off of? It's so complicated and a web interwoven between extraterrestrial entities that she doesn't want to think about it. She just wants to be with him. ]

It's different having a person here and having Polaris. [ She glances down then up at at him. ] If I had lost her, Dylan, and you, I'm not sure what I would do.

I already set up the apartment, you know. [ Her forehead presses to his and her heart skips a beat. That desire for him still rings through her. She's trying to control it so Alan can have this moment. ] That way it was ready whenever you visited--or, whenever you came home from the night.

[ Her green eyes drop to his lips again before raising once more. There is a sparkle in them that seems to try and lure him back in. Hips gently press against his, brushing herself along him. It's not quite a spell or web she finds herself caught up in whenever Alan has lowered her walls to this degree. More like a spiral she wants to fall into that's just him. ]

[ Well, that's a thought. Maybe Alan can find Dylan in the Fog. He doesn't know how or where to even start looking, but he wants to bring Jesse's baby brother home. He's been gone long enough. Too long. No one deserves to be lost, and even though he knows Dylan isn't forgotten about, it's time for him to come home.

I have to pull myself together to be there for Jesse, and I have to find Dylan somehow. I'll find him, even if I have to search every corner of this place. And if this entity or whatever the hell it is tries to stop me, I'll- I'll fight. Somehow.

There's a part of Alan that relies on determination like this to keep the guilt and the regret and the way his thoughts tend to spiral away from him under control. It distracts him, gives him something else to focus on. And that's what he needs most.

He still has a myriad of issues hanging over him, nearly all of them unresolved and unaddressed, but he doesn't have time to drown in them anymore. They can't be at the forefront of everything.

He smiles when he sees her eyes light up. He always loves seeing her smile and seeing that light in her green eyes. He loves her fiercely, and he doesn't want to let her go ever again. They're one, they belong together. He knows that without a doubt. ]

I bet it is. I mean, I wouldn't know, but- with Polaris and another person, you get the best of both worlds, right? Or something like that, I don't know. [ He's still smiling, but his smile softens into a warm and loving one. ] You won't lose us. And I want to do everything I can to help Dylan come home. He's going to come home.

[ Alan's smile only widens at Jesse's announcement about the apartment. ] I've made you wait too long, but I'm- well, I'm happy you didn't give up, even though I gave you plenty of reasons to just walk away. [ His eyes fix on her green ones. ] Thank you, Jesse. Thanks for- everything. For waiting, for not giving up, for just being you.

[ She's certainly succeeding at luring him in, and he hopes he's doing the same for her. If it's a spiral that she's falling into, then he wants to fall into it with her, because nothing's going to separate them now. Even if that metaphorical spiral originates from him, he's going down into it alongside her. Always. ]

You brought me home, and now we can finally leave the night behind. Together.

[ Jesse can't put her thoughts into the romantic notions that Alan is so inclined to describe it as. She loves him and wants to be with him. She wants someone that understands this world at her side as they navigate it together. Maybe she's just unable to see things in terms of being destined for something. It would mean something else controls a part of her life as opposed to she decides things. One day she might be willing to allow that possibility... but not at the moment. ]

Something like that. [ She feels his smile can be infectious because it makes hers widen. He hardly ever smiles--at least in the time she's known him. ] We'll find Dylan. Somehow. It took me eighteen years last time. Hopefully, it doesn't take as long now.

[ Her gaze softens at his thanks. Something like water threatens to fill her eyes then as well. She's thanked often, of course, but it's something different coming from Alan. Probably because he's hers, and by that extension, she's his. Her forehead presses to his more as she stares intently into his eyes with each passing word.

We can finally leave the night behind. Together.

« He really does know how to use the right words. »

Jesse closes her eyes to hide the tears threatening to gather. He really knows how to change the mood of something around. She presses a gentle kiss to his lips. Anything more heated seems pointless at the moment. ]

[ Pointless? Alan doesn't think it's pointless. He's simply trying to express things that maybe he hasn't been able to express before or hadn't thought of to say before.

His gaze is focused on her, watching for her reactions and her movements and how she responds to the things he's saying. Seeing her smile widen makes his own grow. It's true that he rarely smiles, but she makes him happy enough to smile for her.

When he sees what looks like water begin to well in her eyes, he reaches out with one hand and brushes his fingers against her face. Maybe she hasn't been thanked enough for everything she's done. Well, that changes now, as far as he's concerned. She saved him, even if she doesn't think she did, and because of that, he owes her a lifelong debt.

Maybe she doesn't like how often he changes course. Maybe she wishes he just picked something and stuck with it instead of going back and forth between things. But he can't help it; desire for her, to take her and be one with her is just as strong as the urge to turn the moment to something equally emotionally charged. One has more talking involved, and maybe she doesn't like that.

She kisses him gently, and he shivers with pleasure in response. He meets her kiss eagerly and he returns it, pressing his lips against hers, and as he's done before (how many times before? Who knows?), he traces the outline of her mouth with his tongue.

Maybe it's not a heated action, but it's no less passionate. ]

[ Jesse tilts her cheek against his fingers. The smile remains on her face, even if it softens into something fonder. She adores his touches and gentle movements. Jesse is far from a gentle person--barging her way through like an unstoppable weapon. He makes her slow down, center, and take her time. It may seem like it's something she doesn't want, when in reality she simply needs the time to readjust. Which is precisely why she melts into his gentler kiss.

A shuddering sigh escapes her as the kiss turns eager, then he traces her mouth. A visible shiver runs through her body and a gentle moan comes from her. He's found several places that make her respond in the way he likes. Her hands slip from his face to his elbows. She leans entirely against him, following his direction and pace.

She'll never quite understand how he manages to pull these things from her. How he seems to almost tame her. Make what should be someone inhuman more human again. Her fingers brush over his elbows as she tilts her head back slightly further into his kiss. She wants to lean into him more and have him direct her in how he wants. Where to be, how to be, tell her how he wants to be taken care of. Or, even, how he wants to take care of her. He manages to find ways to pull all her walls down but leaving her wanting someone else in charge.

She mumbles his name in a tone barely above a whisper.]

Edited 2024-03-04 11:06 (UTC)

[ For Alan, what he's looking for, what he's hoping to get from these times with Jesse is something fulfilling for them both. They could let their passions loose and explore each other's bodies without hesitation, and of course, Alan loves the times when they get to do that. The story has tried to make them forget, but the hallmarks remain for both of them. He loves getting Jesse to react by touching her and kissing her in sensitive areas.

But he also loves just taking it slow and letting his touches be gentle but no less loving. To demonstrate how much he loves her by slowly and gently touching her and giving her gentle but still very loving kisses is just another way he expresses the depth of his feelings. He likes to think that the wild and passionate touches and the slower and gentler ones are just two sides of the same coin: the coin representing his love. It's probably a silly idea, one she'd laugh at if she knew about it, but it's just how he feels. ]

Jesse... [ He exhales a breath and her name at the same time, and he feels that familiar shiver at his elbows when her fingers brush over them. ] Oh, Jesse, I love you. [ She elicits those declarations from him so easily, almost effortlessly. And he doesn't feel the least bit embarrassed about saying it, again and again if he has to. And he wants to. ]

You're mine... and I want to be yours. [ In so many ways, they already are each other's, but there's so much more than Alan wants to get to experience with her. ]

[ If she ever laughed, it wound be a gentle endearing one. She wouldn't downplay how Alan ever feels about her. Who else has ever felt that way for her? He may say things that she can't quite grasp in their artistic phrasing, but she understands the intent and the love expressed in the notion. That is what matters most to her. His words always strike a cord in her somehow.

A smile pulls at the corners of her mouth. Fingers curl around his elbows. Eyes open to look straight into his, forehead pressing further to his. She waits until she has his attention on her gaze and not anything else. Her body may scream in frustration from the need to be touched, but, it's clear Alan is looking for something more emotional at the moment. Something to ground him more than heated actions. ]

You are mine. [ Her gaze flicks down in something of embarrassment before looking back at him. ] You don't need to want to be that.

My Alan Wake.

My writer who finally came home.

[ He smiles because she makes him want to smile for her, to see the way her eyes light up with happiness. But is it happiness? He doesn't stop touching her or kissing her or anything that they've been doing, but a shadow of doubt has flared up in his own eyes.

He has this feeling that's only growing by the minute that he's not doing what Jesse wants or needs. It's a feeling that they're opposites, and that feeling bothers him. Maybe they're not as compatible as he thought they were. Maybe he needs to put aside his own interests and wants in favor of fulfilling hers. ]

I am... but am I enough? Am I everything you wanted? [ Do I make her happy? I don't know. ]

I want- I want to be what you need.

[ His words sound pathetic to his own ears, and he wonders if she'll recoil with distaste. But he means what he says. She wants to be touched and loved and so he forcefully rocks his hips against hers. It's not too hard or too fast, but enough so that she can feel his hips all but crashing onto hers.

If fierce and firm physical expressions are what she's looking for, he can oblige. ]

[ The doubt creeping in his eyes makes her pause. Her heart still pounds, her body still aches, but some of the haze clears from her own eyes. Her gaze asks if he is alright. It's obvious--especially to him--how much she worries for him. Not just his physical health, but emotional and mental. Being trapped where he was for thirteen years will leave marks neither of them are really aware of. She's accepted it, and dedicated to helping him work through it.

« No one was there for me except you. He's not going to have that problem. Not with you, me, or the Bureau here. »

His questions come and her expression softens. The words are clear, even if she doesn't say them.

Oh, Alan.

Her eyes close for the brief moment the hips make contact. A pleased sound comes from her with a sharp inhale. Yes, it's what her body wants. It's what she wants. That almost primal side that demands to be made louder wants it. However, Jesse wants more than those things. She wants to be with Alan--and it can't all be one sided to her.

Her hand waves and items shift behind her on the desk. She leans backwards just enough so he can rest against her. Hands cradle his face again. ]

Alan. [ Her tone is quiet but no less sincere. ] I... never thought about what I wanted. Or what I'd need from something like this. Everything in me was focused on finding Dylan, the Bureau. Trying to stay connected to Polaris.

[ She smiles then with that vulnerability he knows in her eyes. ] At the end of it all... I felt I wanted someone like me. Someone who understood this crazy world I live in. Another parautalitarian, or maybe even someone who was normal who could understand. It's why I wanted to meet you in the first place. Remember? You are someone like me who reached out to me for help. Someone not dead or some crazy alien force.

[ She lays back on the desk entirely. Her fingers glide under his chin to guide him forward. He can rest against her if he wants. They can continue if he wants. ]

You're enough. More than that, really. You're mine.

[ A storm is brewing in Alan's mind, but the way he sees it, there's no point in sharing that storm with Jesse. Not because he believes she won't try her best to calm said storm but because he's already made her sit through so many of his storms already. She's seen him at his worst, she's seen him spiraling out repeatedly; why should he put her through more of his emotional turmoil? He can see how she worries about him, but she's spent enough time worrying about him.

He rocks his hips against hers once more even as he leans in to try and plant a kiss on any part of her that he can reach. But his kiss doesn't land, because she has just moved, shifting backwards in such a way as to let him rest against her. And he'd be lying if he said he didn't want that: to just rest and feel her and hold her.

His eyes slide closed for a moment when her hands slide around his face. ]

You should have. You should have thought about what you wanted, what you needed... I want to give that to you. You lost your parents, and Dylan still isn't home. I- I can't be yours if I'm not completely here. Completely present, giving you what you want most: a person who's like you, who understands how insane the world is, but still here backing you up.

[ How many times has she propped him up when he couldn't stand on his own? Now it's his turn to do that for her.

He wants to rest against her but he wants to continue exciting her, getting her senses dialed up to that state of arousal that she seems to be clamoring for. He has to conjure up the energy to do it, to alternate between rocking against her and pressing himself against her so she can feel him and he can feel her, but he manages to find a sort of rhythm to fall into. ]

I want this to be good for you. I want to be good for you.

[ His eyes are closed, so thankfully, he misses the expression that ripples across her face. The insecurity that arises from not being a normal person. The one that only surfaces when she's around others that are close to her that have the expectation she should have done normal things. She frowns.

The only thing that mattered to her was finding the Bureau. Finding Dylan. No one else around her ever believed anything about Ordinary, and there was definitely no point in explaining Polaris to them. She could act normal and blend in, but at the end of the day, she always knew she couldn't open up to normal people about it. What was the point of trying to imagine a married life, or even having a partner? Even if she settled with someone, part or her would always be kept secret. It would cause problems. The relationship would fail.

« It wasn't worth being open like that. It wasn't worth trying... and being left alone again. Dylan mattered. Finding the people who took him mattered. You mattered, even if there were times I shut you out. I...

Thinking about finding another parautalitarian didn't even cross my mind until after the issue with Hartman. Even then, it's not like I expected any of this from Alan... »

Her expression has changed back to her normal neutral one by the time he opens his eyes. ]

It's not just about me, is it? You've been missing for fourteen years. You need things too. [ Which is why she's content to lay there and be held by him if he needs. She only started all this because she wanted him to feel good; feel that he truly was somewhere other than the Dark Place. It doesn't need to be about her. She just wants to see him happy and not clouded by the Dark Place. ] You're here with us now. I just want to help you feel that way, after...

[ Another sharp inhale makes her words trail off. She can definitely feel him against her, even through his layers. Her head tilts back as a gasp comes from her. That demand knocks against her strongly and she tries to control it--to keep it in check. He doesn't want her to be wild and heated at the moment. He wants her to be present and able to have a conversation with.

She can do it. ]

You are good. Really good.

[ « I'm sure he can read me like a book. No puns intended. » ]

[ He stays quiet through her moment of thinking to herself and through her statements about his needs, forming a response that he gives when the opportunity presents itself. ]

I know what you're going to say. I change course too quickly and jerk you around, but that's not what I'm trying to do. It's not what I intend to do. Jesse, don't you see that everything we do together fills those needs for me? Just having you here to remind me that the nightmare's over and I'm home is all I need. All I could ask for.

[ He rocks himself against her a few more times in a slightly rhythmic pattern. He might be feeling that pull towards holding her and using his grasp of language to express how he feels and how much he loves her, but he can do that by being wild and heated and stirring that up in her too. It doesn't take a genius to see that her desires and passions are awakened, probably because of his own actions. He just has to focus on that and wake up those desires in himself too. ]

All I need is right here. I can feel it, because you're helping me feel it.

[ She can probably feel his arousal forming as he rocks against her again, but he sees no reason to try and hide that. ]

I'm not, though. Sure, I can do this, and I can do things that... that appeal to certain urges, but...

[ He's talking too much and he knows it. She seems to want more action and less talking, and that's what he intends to give her. He finally settles into a rhythm of motions, alternating between a rocking sort of motion and something best described as grinding himself against her. Not harshly but not too gently either. ]

I'm not really good. I'm just okay.

[ In all the meanings those words can hold, that's how Alan views himself: not outstanding, not the best, most doting partner. Just okay. Just average. Maybe Jesse deserves better, but he wants the chance to prove himself. ]

No, that's not what I--[ Jesse cuts herself off as he continues. Frustration at herself flares up.

I can't use words like he does to express anything.

The feeling doesn't last long as he continues. Her expression changes into one of soft realization. Her gaze drops and she looks to the side. Guilt rises to her expression. She thought the best thing would be something they never had in the Dark Place. Something that cemented him at home; something that only happened when it was just them. Together.

« Obviously, I was wrong. I over thought it. I'm still so bad at all this. »

That familiar feeling of insecurity rises up in her and reflects in her eyes. ]

I'm sorry. [ The answer is quick and genuine. A side she doesn't show often. ] We don't--we can stop. I didn't mean--I just wanted to help you feel... If something else helps more? We should stop.

[ She can feel his arousal returning and it makes hers want to flare more. Except, she locks it down, controlling it. Small sounds still make their way out despite that, and her lower back arcs. Despite that, she raises her gaze back to his. The apology is plain in her gaze, as is the want to make him happy.

She doesn't want to do the wrong thing. Something that will upset him and make him slip away. They can stop. He's injured anyways. They shouldn't be doing it. Especially when it's not what he really needs or wants.

I'm sorry. Don't slip away again because I screwed it up. ]

Then, okay is exactly what I need. [ She tries to control and ignore it, but it's obvious how her body tries to respond to his rhythm. She's holding back now for him so they can transition into something else. Her hands move to curl around his. ] Not just anyone can get the Director on her desk practically naked, you know.

Jesse, please, I'm sorry. [ He doesn't want her being frustrated with herself, when he's the one at fault for everything that's gone wrong between them. Except "gone wrong" isn't the right phrase. They're having to adjust to each other and learn what the other means, and Alan feels like he's failing to really understand what she needs and what she means. He can guess that she wanted to be intimate with him because the times they were intimate together have been lost to the loops, so being intimate together is something good for both of them.

With that in mind, he decides that's what he needs to do. ]

I meant what I said: I need to make things good for you, and I'm going to do that. I missed you, and- Well, I've left you alone for too long.

[ Slipping away isn't something he plans on doing. No, he's focused on being here for her. Being who and what she needs him to be. ]

Where can I touch you that makes you good? Where do you want to be touched?

[ He offers a half smile in response to her statement about her being on her desk practically naked. ]

It helps when the Director is willing to let that happen. [ He has to move closer as he leans in so that he can press a deep kiss to her mouth. ]

dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

DEAD OF NIGHT

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