synthneon | oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞

[ A part of Alan rejects that. No more goodbyes. We've said too many already. But there has to be one more, doesn't there? Even if I don't want it... it can't be changed or avoided.

He doesn't know what Jesse knows, but somehow, instinctively, he can feel that pending parting looming over both of them. Why? Because they've had to part before. How many times? Too many, in his mind. Still, the story demands a sacrifice, and he has to be the one to make it.

It hurts more than he wants to admit, because he can see what is on the line and what he stands to lose in the process, but it's unavoidable. His fate is as unavoidable as the ending. He hopes that when it's over, he can find his way back to Jesse, but he's already considered how he might never see her again.

So when the time comes for them to say goodbye, he doesn't want it to just be goodbye. He wants it to be expressing thanks for what they've managed to find, even if their time together has been short and interrupted too often.

He can't know what Jesse knows, because his memories are scattered and more fragmented than he'd like them to be, but he still has this terrible sinking feeling that something neither of them want is hanging over them. Worry shows in his eyes as he watches her, and there's a tension in his jaw that only adds to the unsettled agitation that's trying to stir itself up inside him. He doesn't want to let it rise to the surface, but it's hard to hold it back. ]

Then... then take a minute and rest. I think you're going to need it. [ He can see the work that's being done to prepare, to get ready for a fight, and he knows that if Jesse isn't rested, it won't go well for any of them.

A shadow crosses his face briefly at the reminder of how they found him. He doesn't remember much of what happened, but he does remember the splitting pain in his head, and even now he can still feel the dull ache. As long as it stays a dull ache, it's fine. He can still think and talk and be present. If it gets much worse than that, though, that's bad news. Really bad news. ]

I think I tried to find Casey, to try and help, but I guess I didn't get that far. This mess is my fault, isn't it? [ It's my fault that danger is looming and my fault that Casey and Saga are missing. I know I've said it a thousand times, but I have to fix this.

His fingers move to let hers slide in between them, and then they curl against hers as if he's seeking her touch. ]

So what can I do to help? I don't know what I can do, or what I'm allowed to do, but I can't just sit here. [ But if Scratch comes, they'll all be in danger. I mean, more danger than they're already in. Maybe I shouldn't be involved. Maybe she should lock me up. ]

[ Eyes flick upwards at his comment of rest. She wishes she could. Rest with him beside her anyways. But, that's not how the story goes. They can't drag this out further in hopes of breaking and bending to their will. The beats have to escalate and get to where they're going. It's unavoidable. Irreversible.

She gently brushes her fingers between his. ]

No. Scratch wrote this story using you. You've done what you can to edit it. [ Jesse's tone is factual and yet assured at the same time. Confident. She knows Alan didn't write this manuscript. ] I'm sure we'll find Casey. He couldn't have gotten far.

[ A gentle tired sigh comes from her. ] We could fit you out for a fight. But, if we find you passed out again, we'll need to secure you. Estevez is calling the shots. We're here for back up.

[ He knows her answer as soon as he sees the way her eyes flick upwards. There's no time for her to rest, even if he insisted. Even if he made her stop with him for a minute, or five or ten. Maybe it won't matter whether she rested now or not. When the story's over and he's home, they can rest together all they want. Still, that's little consolation for him right now.

They have to go through more hell before they can get there, and that's the part he's wrestling with. ]

But have I done enough? [ He knows he could ask that question a million times, and he could go over everything he's done a million times on top of that, or at least the parts that he can remember, and he still wouldn't be satisfied. The confidence he hears in her voice is reassuring, and that's what he decides to hold onto. ] If you think that I've done enough, that's- that'll have to be enough for me too.

[ But then that fear and nervousness takes hold again, and to Alan, it feels as though he's just had a bucket of ice cold water dumped on him. ]

Maybe you should just lock me up until it's over. It's safer for everyone. Not by much, but it's something. You don't need me getting in the way or- or worse.

Is it the best thing to lock you up with no protection? Back a next to the brothers? [ Jesse questions the notion. She can't imagine it would end well if something ate through their defenses here. Then again, trying to make him do things outside the story is just dragging it out. Costing more lives. They can't keep doing that.

A low, tired, exacerbated sigh leaves her. A hint of sound of frustration and a pinch of loneliness escapes her. Maybe they can pretend for just a little bit. Just until the sun goes down. ] We should go somewhere once this is over. Just you and me--and Polaris too I guess. Somewhere not Bright Falls. A date... we could get some coffee and just sit and talk.

[ The idea sounds nice somehow. Inspired even. Not from her or a loop but somewhere else. Or... was it a loop? Jesse can't tell. She honestly doesn't care either way. She only cares about holding onto him and being held at the moment. Being with him while she can until the story rips him away from her one last time.

Eyes close. ] I know a nice place in New York City. It's a quieter one. Not really well known. A family run one.

I don't know; maybe it's not for me, but it is for you. For everyone else you have around here. Or maybe it just gets more people killed.

[ He wishes he could see clearly what it is he should be doing or suggesting, but he can't. He just wants it all to be over so that they can start having the life they want but still can't have. Still, there's no fast-forward button. They have to go through this, and there's no skipping past it. ]

Somewhere? [ His eyebrows raise slightly. ] I'd go anywhere if I knew you were there. Coffee and talking sounds great.

[ It sounds great and foreign at the same time. He can't remember the last time he could just sit and talk with another person. No danger, no threats hanging over any of them... maybe one day they'll have that. ]

That sounds nice. I'd like to go there. We'll go there someday, and I'm buying. I've built up a pretty big debt, so I better start paying it off as soon as possible.

... Okay. [ Her soft tone shows acceptance. Defeat. What else is there really in a story where she's limited? ] Once the sun goes down.

[ « Not that a cell is going to stop Scratch.

He'd go anywhere, huh? Maybe not anywhere. » ]

It'd have to be away from Watery and Bright Falls. I wouldn't want that waitress to be upset at seeing her writer with someone else. [ Jesse means the statement playfully, but, there is an air of seriousness to it as well. ] If you'd want to go back to New York. I mean, stay there. We can go somewhere else entirely.

[ Pretending they'd actually be able to have a date may help. ]

You just being home is enough of a debt paid, Alan.

I know it's not what you want; maybe it's not even a good idea. A cell isn't going to be enough, is it?

[ He's not a mind reader; he's not even immediately aware that his words are echoing her thoughts. None of the options he can think of are good ones, and voluntarily going into a cell isn't really a great idea either. It's not a failsafe or even much of a safeguard. ]

A change of scenery would be good. Even seeing New York again- the real New York... I wouldn't mind that. And you work there, so if you're staying, I'm staying too. For good this time.

I don't think it will be. [ A pause. ] But, if it's what you want? Then, we'll try it.

[ « Not like we can do much more anyways than what the story will allow. » ]

Okay. New York it is.

[ The thought trully settles in her mind then: this will be the only time they can be like this. Scratch will take him over. Then, he will he off to the Dark Place. The threshold will close. Saga, Casey and him will all be in the Dark Place.

All that will be left is to clean up The Lake House.

Her hands tighten around his.

Then... waiting for her writer to come home from the night. ]

Really? You're not shooting me down and saying that's insane and you won't do it? I thought... Well, I thought you'd never agree to that.

But yeah, New York. I can't even imagine it anymore; all I can see is what the story lets me see. The version of New York that's in the story is the same but different. And pieces of my writing are all over the walls. It's really weird.

[ He's had that thought for awhile now, that they might never get the chance to be like this again if things go wrong. What if he loses to Scratch for good? What if he never comes home?

He wants to come home more than anything, but he's terrified that he'll never get the chance. ]

Can you do something for me? Just one more thing?

Estevez would agree on trying to secure you. Everyone else is on edge. [ Her tone is flat and almost disconnected. Facts, not necessarily what she wants. It's what the story needs. It's how Scratch ha written it and how Alan has editted the events.

« There's nothing we can do. »

Her heart sinks at his nect words. ]

We'll show it to you someday.

[ « I hope. »

Her eyes dart downwards. Taking note of how their fingers interlock. Once she let's go, they won't br able to do this again. He'll go from the Lake to Bright Falls...

« Are we ever going to see each other again? » ]

You ask me to do things and I will. You know that.

[ Alan's expression shifts just slightly into one that's not quite worried or apprehensive, but there's a hint of tension that wasn't there before. It's not even that he wants to be locked up, but maybe it's best for everyone. ]

If locking me up helps put everyone a little more at ease, then that's what should happen. [ He can say that with resolve and conviction, because if it's for the best, well... that's that. ]

I can't wait to see it.

[ He sees the way her eyes move downwards to where their fingers are interlocked, and he gives her hand a squeeze. ]

I know I ask you for too much, and I shouldn't even ask you for this, but... [ He squeezes her hand again, hoping the gesture is warm and loving and communicates everything he isn't saying right now. ]

Tell me we're going to make it. We'll end this story, and then we'll be together.

[ It's a selfish thing for him to ask and he knows it, but he needs to hear it at least once. ]

[ She doesn't further comment on the topic. Locking him up like some criminal or animal is the last thing she wants to have happen. She wants to fight it. Take the story by the chest, shake it, and beat it. That's not what can happen.

The story can't bend if they're going to stop it.

It has to play out.

She has to trust Saga and Alan can do it on their own.

Let go of control.

His hand squeezes hers. The request is made.

« I know he doesn't know what's going to happen. He can't remember. Still... asking me to promise things? I can't. I don't have a SAY. It's up to him and it's always been up to him.

Hasn't it? » ]

You're going to beat this story. You and Saga both. You'll make the light win and the darkness will fade away. You're both heroes. [ Her eyes close. She can't bring herself to say what he's asking for because she doesn't know. ] If you want to be together once the story is over? It'll happen.

[ « Maybe. Somehow. He'll continue through the night... and... » ]

You're going to win, Alan. You're going to wake up.

[ Thinking more about it, Alan hates how they're all trapped by the story. What had he written once? Victims and monsters? What happens when the monster is also a victim? Not Scratch, he's not thinking about him; no, he's thinking about himself. He feels like a monster because of what the story's forcing him to do, but he's as trapped in it as anyone.

Maybe no one else sees it that way.

Jesse answers his request, saying the words he knew he wanted to hear. He needed to hear them. Maybe it wasn't easy for her to say them; it can't have been easy for her to say them, but he selfishly made the request anyway. ]

Thanks, Jesse. I know I'm an asshole for asking you to do that. But you should know that Saga isn't the only hero here. Maybe the story won't let me put you in that role, but as far as I'm concerned, you are one. And I'll always want to be with you, no matter what the story says or makes me do.

[ He squeezes her hands again. ]

I'm going to come home, because you'll be there waiting for me. [ And then he smiles a half smile. ] Another thing that's not fair of me to ask you for. I really am an asshole, huh?

Just not the hero in this story.

[ « Not the hero to bring him home. »

Just the hero of her own story. The Oldest House. The Bureau. Alan's story is his own and the only one that can save him is himself. Saga is going to be the one to help, but, Alan has to chose to save himself ultimately. ]

That's all I can do, isn't it? Wait for you to come home. Wait for Dylan to come home. Keep the Buearu going and the altered realities from doing too much damage in the meantime.

[ She lifts her head from his chest but keeps her eyes downwards.

Defeated. ]

I'll be waiting.

Edited 2024-11-12 00:24 (UTC)

[ Alan looks conflicted at that; it's more than feeling conflicted. He's actually upset that Jesse can't be the hero that he wants her to be. He sees her as important, so why isn't that good enough for the story? Why can't he write her in as the hero when that's the one thing he wants most other than being free of it?

His hands clench into fists as his upset at the situation grows. ]

That's not all I want, though. I want you to be the hero if that's what you want to be. I want to have you around as long as you want to be here. [ He knows it sounds childish and petulant and full of a frustrated defiance, but he finds he can't hold it back. ]

Why can't we have what we want?

[ He reluctantly shifts his gaze away too, although doing so won't make any of this easier for either of them. ]

If it's too much, you don't have to. I'll look for you when I'm out. When I'm home.

Because it's not your story. Is it? You didn't write it. You just editted it.

[ Jesse still isn't sure how Scratch could even write a story. How he was able to tap into that ability of Alan's to craft a story. There must be more to Scratch than they realize... or that Alan wants to admit.

« Maybe if Alan had written it... no, I doubt there'd be a reason for me to be here if we weren't... you know. I would have just been relegated to thr back regardless if we hadn't connected. I was a stranger to him before all this. Just like Saga. »

She gently squeezes his hands. ]

There's not much more for me to do other than that. Is there? We both know I can't cross into the Lake. You wouldn't want me to anyways.

Yeah, but why can't I just edit it more and make you the hero? I mean, if you want to be that. I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do, even if it's just nudging you a certain way. If that's what it is.

[ Suddenly Alan finds himself doubting himself and what control he even has. Maybe he has no control at all; maybe he never did. Maybe he's just in the backseat as the story unfolds itself around him. Maybe the fact that he can make edits at all is just something else in the story.

He forces himself to give her a smile, although it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He's not sure what emotion he's feeling right now, but it all boils down to upset. Upset that he can't change the story to what he wants it to be. Upset that Jesse has to be in this position at all. He's just upset with everything. ]

No, I know you're right, but why does it have to be like this? I hate leaving you behind.

[ She can't go with him into the Lake, because it's too dangerous, but he doesn't want to keep leaving her behind. His hands clench tightly even in her hold as his upset rises. ]

I hate this. I really hate this, Jesse.

We've tried it, Alan. [ Jesse looks at him squarely. She frowns. The hint of pain is in her gaze. He may not remember, and she may not remember details, but she knows they've tried that. ] It didn't work. This is the only way it's going to work. You know that.

[ Her gaze drops then. ] The hero of the story is Saga Anderson. I need to do anything I can to make sure that she has what she needs... and that you have what you need.

[ « And we both guide them. » ]

I know. You said this story is a monster.

[ Her words seem to strike him like he's just been hit with a ton of bricks. Of course he knows that this is the only way; it's what the story demands, and trying to force it to change won't work. It's just that he can't bring himself to accept it. He wants it to be different; he wants it to be the way he wants, but he's being forced to admit that it's not going to be that way.

Her gaze lands on him, but his shifts away. Suddenly he finds that he can't even look at her; not because he's angry with her but because none of this is what he wants.

She might be reluctantly resigned to it, but he still wants to push back, to try and throw off what the story is forcing him to do. It's not even that he can't or won't work alongside Saga; it's that there's someone else he wants to do that with instead. ]

I don't know if I can do this, but- I don't have a choice. I have to do it. I have to keep going.

[ Can I really do it? Follow the story to the ending and maybe come home once it's over? I don't know if I can. ]

[ She lowers hers once he looks away. Green eyes stare at their conjoined hands. She wants to push back; to force the story to be theirs. However, that's not reality. That isn't how the story will turn out in the end. Reality is that this story belongs to Scratch. It's a monster. They have to just deal with that fact and... not move on, but, something to the effect of finding a way to make their reality come true. ]

You can do this. You will do it. I'll make sure of it. You won't be alone in getting this done. [ Jesse pauses. Polaris shifts. ] Both of us will.

[ Alan knows the story isn't his; he didn't write it. He just came upon it too late, because Scratch had already written it and set a series of horrifying events into motion. All Alan can do now is make edits and change what he can within the story that's been written. It's a terrible, dark story, and it's not at all the one that Alan wants, but it's what they have.

To Alan, it feels as though the story fights him at every turn, resisting his efforts to edit it. For now, he's fighting back, even though a part of him feels the futility of it all. Giving up means that Scratch wins and that darkness will take over everything, and he just can't allow that.

It's just a matter of summoning up the willpower to keep going. That's the part that Alan isn't sure of. Can he do it? Can he keep pushing back? ]

I know you will. [ At first, he says the words automatically as if by rote. He believes Jesse will do her best to do what she says, but he doesn't sound very confident in the idea. That is, until she pauses and he feels that shift. That resonance coming from Polaris. Polaris is confident because of course she is. It's not the same kind of confidence that a human has. It's more than that. It's hard to define, but it's definitely confidence. ]

I know I don't have any choice but to trust you. I do trust you, because I know you. Both of you.

[ Sort of.

He'll never know Polaris in the same way that Jesse does, but if she trusts her, then s does he. ]

Would you trust us even if you didn't know us? Or, only because the story told you to?

[ Their trust and understanding is built on several loops of "Return." Loops that they won't even begin to remember. Yet, somehow, the emotional memories remain on some level. She's not sure if that's only because of the manuscript page she had him write... or if it was something more. ]

I'm guessing there's nothing you'll let me do to make the cell easier for you.

[ Jesse already knows the answer is "no." That's not how the story goes. She's going to have to watch Alan be beaten down and not step in to help. She hasn't seen the manuscript pages ahead, she hasn't helped him write the story. It's obvious in her mind. If Scratch has to get so close to winning... it means that Alan has to almost lose.

« How do we make sure that he wins? That Saga wins? I know that it's not up to us. We have to trust them to do that. Guide them down the right way. How? This isn't my forte. How do we do this? » ]

Edited 2024-11-28 11:25 (UTC)

I can't say that I'd trust you immediately, but I want to say that I'd come around eventually. Or the story would just make me do it, I guess. But the sentimental part of me says I'd always trust you because you've never given me a reason not to. And yeah, I know that doesn't make sense if I didn't know you from Adam.

[ What Alan's not saying because of embarrassment is that there's a part of him that's a shameless romantic, and that part of him wants to believe he'd always trust Jesse because of how much he loves her and cares about her. ]

What would you do if I said yes? [ Alan doesn't want this any more than she does. He might not be able to see the future, but he knows how dark the story is, and how dark his path is that he's currently walking on. The ending isn't going to be a good one, at least not entirely. It's going to be long and difficult and he expects that he'll have to pay a pretty hefty price in order to get the ending that they all want: the ending in which they win.

It's going to be hell, and Alan's not sure he's ready to face it, but he also knows that he has no choice. ]

You trusted me on some level. Enough to reach out to me and Polaris... even if you were desperate and reaching for straws.

[ « Or, at least, that's what I'd like to think. We were probably nothing more than just an idea that came to him as he stared out into the Dark Place. That's more realistic. » ]

You already know. [ Jesse lets out a sigh and closes her eyes. How much of this part of the story is Scratch... and how much is Alan punishing himself? ] We know how the story would go if I had a say in it. If I got to edit any of it. Which means... Polaris and I follow what you think you need to do. Manuscript and all.

[ Jesse sits up. Her hands remain in his, but her shoulders have sunken. Just for a moment. A moment to show how much she hates all of what has to happen. He may not know what she does, and he may not understand how much it takes in her to not do something. Anything.

Hopefully the look on her face communicates even a fraction of the restraint, acceptance, and dislike she is experiencing. ]

Edited 2024-12-05 10:27 (UTC)

... Yeah. I remember. I don't remember forgetting, but- Trying to hold onto memories when something is trying to make you forget the ones that matter is difficult. It's not impossible, it's just difficult. [ He tries to think back to how he first reached out to the two of them. ]

There was a page that I was writing, and I was writing about you, but somehow... You heard it, or you saw me reading the page. [ He shakes his head. He just remembers the page that he was trying to write, a desperate attempt to reach out for help. He doesn't exactly remember how Jesse saw him or heard him, just that she did somehow. A desperate man, that was it. He's still a desperate man now, just maybe not as desperate. ]

I don't know if I know anything. So much of what I thought I knew is washed away. It's washing away. Dark waves. Water. It's trying to make me forget.

[ His hands clench slightly against hers, not to the point of hurting her; it's just a frustrated reaction coming from a place of helplessness. ]

What happens if I don't really know what to do? What if Scratch takes over and wins while I'm still trying to figure it out?

[ His expression shifts again, this time to one of thoughtfulness as he tries to think of something, anything that would help. ]

What if the story doesn't know that you're the one editing it? What if the Dark Presence can't figure it out?

[ Subterfuge. Concealment. Those are things that exist. Maybe we can use them. Could we use them? Is it worth a try? I'd try just about anything as long as I'm the only one who has to pay the price. Jesse shouldn't pay the price. Doesn't need to pay anything. She's done enough. She's doing enough. If we can make this work... I'll pay whatever the price is. ]

What do you think?

OCEANVIEW III

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