synthneon | oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞

I can't say that I'd trust you immediately, but I want to say that I'd come around eventually. Or the story would just make me do it, I guess. But the sentimental part of me says I'd always trust you because you've never given me a reason not to. And yeah, I know that doesn't make sense if I didn't know you from Adam.

[ What Alan's not saying because of embarrassment is that there's a part of him that's a shameless romantic, and that part of him wants to believe he'd always trust Jesse because of how much he loves her and cares about her. ]

What would you do if I said yes? [ Alan doesn't want this any more than she does. He might not be able to see the future, but he knows how dark the story is, and how dark his path is that he's currently walking on. The ending isn't going to be a good one, at least not entirely. It's going to be long and difficult and he expects that he'll have to pay a pretty hefty price in order to get the ending that they all want: the ending in which they win.

It's going to be hell, and Alan's not sure he's ready to face it, but he also knows that he has no choice. ]

You trusted me on some level. Enough to reach out to me and Polaris... even if you were desperate and reaching for straws.

[ « Or, at least, that's what I'd like to think. We were probably nothing more than just an idea that came to him as he stared out into the Dark Place. That's more realistic. » ]

You already know. [ Jesse lets out a sigh and closes her eyes. How much of this part of the story is Scratch... and how much is Alan punishing himself? ] We know how the story would go if I had a say in it. If I got to edit any of it. Which means... Polaris and I follow what you think you need to do. Manuscript and all.

[ Jesse sits up. Her hands remain in his, but her shoulders have sunken. Just for a moment. A moment to show how much she hates all of what has to happen. He may not know what she does, and he may not understand how much it takes in her to not do something. Anything.

Hopefully the look on her face communicates even a fraction of the restraint, acceptance, and dislike she is experiencing. ]

Edited 2024-12-05 10:27 (UTC)

... Yeah. I remember. I don't remember forgetting, but- Trying to hold onto memories when something is trying to make you forget the ones that matter is difficult. It's not impossible, it's just difficult. [ He tries to think back to how he first reached out to the two of them. ]

There was a page that I was writing, and I was writing about you, but somehow... You heard it, or you saw me reading the page. [ He shakes his head. He just remembers the page that he was trying to write, a desperate attempt to reach out for help. He doesn't exactly remember how Jesse saw him or heard him, just that she did somehow. A desperate man, that was it. He's still a desperate man now, just maybe not as desperate. ]

I don't know if I know anything. So much of what I thought I knew is washed away. It's washing away. Dark waves. Water. It's trying to make me forget.

[ His hands clench slightly against hers, not to the point of hurting her; it's just a frustrated reaction coming from a place of helplessness. ]

What happens if I don't really know what to do? What if Scratch takes over and wins while I'm still trying to figure it out?

[ His expression shifts again, this time to one of thoughtfulness as he tries to think of something, anything that would help. ]

What if the story doesn't know that you're the one editing it? What if the Dark Presence can't figure it out?

[ Subterfuge. Concealment. Those are things that exist. Maybe we can use them. Could we use them? Is it worth a try? I'd try just about anything as long as I'm the only one who has to pay the price. Jesse shouldn't pay the price. Doesn't need to pay anything. She's done enough. She's doing enough. If we can make this work... I'll pay whatever the price is. ]

What do you think?

Your writing came over the Hotline. Almost like you were narrating what you wrote. [ « Now that I think about it? It was exactly like reading a manuscript page. Everything shifts and you only hear Alan's voice. » ] I just... did what you said to do over the Hotline.

[ Her hands clamp down around his to give him a steady place to stand. Waters wash things away, but she is sure that the memories are still there. The knowledge is deep inside him. Once they have him free of the Dark Place? He could regain all that knowledge. ]

We tried my edits. My dictating of the story. We're still here. [ Jesse glances to the side. ] You'll know what to do when the time comes, Alan.

[ Eyes close. ] If I were the one editing it? You'd come home after facing off with the Dark Presence. Scratch would be taken out for good. Saga and Casey would be fine. Everything would end with people at least in a way to get you all cared for after that.

I'm not sure how you could ever write that into existence with Scratch's story.

Edited 2024-12-27 07:37 (UTC)

Right... I remember. It's faint, almost far away, but I do remember trying to reach you. I guess that I learned your name from a vision, or some kind of inspiration that reached me even in the Dark Place. [ He pauses for a moment to think about the implications of all this. ]

I think... No, I know that I'm glad I was actually able to meet you. [ I know she said she was happy to meet me because I'm a parautilitarian, but now... I hope she's glad she met me because of more than just that. She's said it, implied it with her actions. I really hope she's glad. ] Maybe part of me always wanted to meet you.

[ An exhale of breath leaves him when he feels her hands clamp down on his. She does steady him, almost like she's the foundation he's building himself on. It's not a perfect analogy, but she's rock solid when he's anything but, and maybe it's unfair of him to rely on her so much, but there's no denying the fact that she helps ground him when he needs it. And let's face it, he needs it a lot. ]

I guess so. I just wish I was half as confident about it.

[ The confidence he used to have was gradually eroded and washed away until it was... not gone entirely, just only appearing in moments when inspiration struck. Those moments feel like they're becoming less and less now, but still, Alan's not giving up. ]

I want that ending. God, I want that ending, but I know the story won't let the ending go like that. It's a happy ending, and this story doesn't do happy.

[ I thought I was just miserable because I was making myself miserable, and that's probably still part of it, but this story doesn't let anyone be happy. It probably doesn't even know what being happy is. ]

Maybe if I do it just right, if I pick just the right words, I can make sure that you, Saga, Casey... anyone else who's even close to the center of things, comes out in one piece. Maybe that's all I can do.

[ I don't think I get to come out of this in one piece. There's always a price, right? I have to pay that price, whatever it is. But that doesn't mean the rest of them do too. ]

Maybe that can't be written into existence exactly like that, but maybe I can pull in bits and pieces and make it work. It has to be subtle, or the story will fail. Well, that part of the story will, at least.

Edited 2024-12-27 09:10 (UTC)

I guess I should take it as a compliment that Polaris and I stood out so much.

[ « I'm still not entirely sure how the Dark Place works. There's probably thousands if not millions of things floating around there. It probably says a lot that you and I stuck out to any degree. » ]

Why would you have wanted to meet me? Unless it was just to get out of the Dark Place. That'd be fair enough. It was your main goal at first.

[ Alan Wake had never much crossed her radar until she found the Oldest House. Until he reached out to her. She had heard about the famous missing author. Everyone had on the news at the time.

Even more so when the Alex Casey movies happened. ]

Maybe the ending isn't to this story but the next one.

[ « Overly hopeful, but, you never know. » ]

You'll figure it out. You always do.

[ She simply nods to his statement. A simple answer, but she agrees. It has to be subtle. Almost manipulative. ]

Yeah, it's a compliment. Definitely a compliment. The two of you- I've never met anyone like you before. I still can't believe you even stopped to listen to me.

[ She asks her next question and he doesn't even have to think about it. ] Why wouldn't I want to meet you? Yeah, I needed help, and you stuck out to me as someone who might be able to help, but- it wasn't just because I was desperate and trying to get out.

I don't know how to explain it, but in all of the ideas, visions, whatever they were that I was seeing from inside the Dark Place... I think I kept seeing you. You, over everything else. Not all the time, just sometimes.

[ I think I wanted to see her, but the visions came at random. I still liked seeing her whenever she did appear, though. ]

Or it could be one ten different stories from now. Ten, a hundred- what if it doesn't stop?

[ He wants to be hopeful and think that maybe the story will end soon and he can go home, but he's not sure how to do that now. ]

I'll keep writing until I figure it out. [ He nods slowly, not liking the idea of being trapped in these loops still, but there's no other choice. ]

Hopefully there's no one else like me. One weirdo from Ordinary is enough for everyone.

[ Jesse falls quiet. She's certain most of Alan wanting to meet her in the beginning was to be saved. That was why he contacted her to begin with. Who knows how or when he fell in love with her in all the different loops and versions of "Return." She can't pin point when she fell in love with him either. That probably doesn't matter anymore really.

This is just conversation to delay the inevitable when the sun starts to set. ]

Probably because of Polaris.

[ Jesse gives him a nudge with his knee. ] What if it DOES stop?

There's no one else like you because no one else could be like you. [ He says that easily but with all the conviction to back it up, because he believes in it completely.

If all they're doing is trying to delay the inevitable, well, Alan's all right with causing more delays. Not that talking with her is causing anything, because the sun will set whether they want it to or not. ]

Polaris helped, but... I can't see anyone else when you're around.

[ She nudges his knee and asks that question, and he has an answer immediately. ] Then I'm coming home and I'm staying there. With you.

No one else should be like me.

[ The idea of someone else being merged or completed or whatever the right term is with a alien resonance isn't necessarily a good thing. It works for her as Jesse Faden. Not everyone else should aim to be what she has become. Only a particular type of person becomes the Director. Not that she's sure people should even aim to be like her. ]

So, we're blinding?

[ Her hands squeeze his at his next sentence. Tightly. ] You better stay at home when you finally make your way out of the dark. Otherwise? I'm dragging you back by your flannel shirt.

[ Knowing she's going to look at him and think he's the biggest moron in the world, he plows right on ahead anyway. ]

Yeah, because you're unique. No one else can be like you.

[ He knows that's not what she's talking about, and he knows what she means when she said those words. Of course she doesn't want anyone else being exactly like her, complete with an alien resonance in her head. It's not something that normally happens, and who knows how people would handle it if it was? Alan's accepted it, because it's just who Jesse is. It doesn't scare him or confuse him; Jesse and Polaris combined are the strongest allies he has, and he wouldn't have them change for anything in the world. ]

Blinding, that's it. Exactly. I don't want to see anyone else when you're around. It's like looking into the sun, only it's helpful, not dangerous. For me, anyway.

[ His hands curl around hers in return as his shoulders slightly fall. He wants to come home from the darkness so that he can be with her, so that nothing keeps them from each other anymore. He wants it so much that he can almost envision it, but picturing it won't make it happen. It'll sustain him until he gets there; that's what he keeps telling himself. ]

Even if the Dark Presence itself tries to pull me back in? [ It's something he's just begun to realize he's afraid of. What if he escapes, only to be dragged back in? Can Jesse really pull him out of the darkness's clutches again? ]

[ A blush sweeps across her face. Being compared to the sun? She supposes it makes sense. He referred to her red hair as firey once, and Polaris is always a bright geometric pattern. Combining the two would mean the sun. Even with the knowledge in mind, being compared to the sun seems so monumental in her head. Something that someone would focus on and only on her.

She holds his hands tighter as if to hide her embarrassment. ]

I pulled you out of that room once. I'll do it again if I have to.

[ « I'll force my way in. Find the key that opens it. Make him open it on his end. I won't let him be trapped there forever. » ]

[ Alan finds himself shaking his head then; the Dark Place is dangerous. It feels like it's eating his mind, his thoughts... what makes him him. What would happen if it got Jesse too? ]

What if this time, it goes wrong? You can't get too close to it, Jesse. It's obviously not good for me, but- it's dangerous. Really dangerous.

[ He loves her too much to let her get even a little close to the Dark Presence. Hasn't she gotten too close already? More than once, probably, and he's forgotten about all the times it's happened. ]

I love you, and because of that- [ He shakes his head again even as he squeezes her hands tighter. ]

[ She lets out a low sigh. ] There's a room in the Motel to the Dark Place. I've seen the door. I've seen you behind the door--with Zane. All I need is the key in. I'll find the key and pull you back from it if I have to.

[ Jesse won't bother circling around the argument about her job is unsafe to begin with. Everything about being the Director is dangerous. He wants her to stay out of danger, particularly with the Dark Place, but she can't promise that it won't happen. In fact? She refuses to promise it. The idea is unrealistic.

« And we can't just leave him behind the door forever. » ]

Because of that you're going to lock yourself away? That won't happen that way. You don't get to continually punish yourself.

A room... The Motel. Tom Zane. [ Alan repeats the words in the usual halfway hoarse voice he uses when he's narrating. Each word means something, and of course he knows what Jesse's talking about. He's just trying to put his scattered thoughts in as much order as he can, which is quite the feat as they don't seem to want to stay in order. ]

I don't know if there is a key for that door. If there is one, I have no idea how you're going to find it. And- and trying to break in, or even prop the door open won't work. It'll just close every time.

[ Alan doesn't want to argue that either, because he knows that what Jesse does is dangerous. Safety isn't guaranteed. It's not guaranteed that she or anyone else will come back alive. But letting her go at the Dark Presence isn't going to keep her safe either; in fact, it'll do the exact opposite. How can he knowingly let her run at the most dangerous entity that he knows? ]

Yeah... yeah, that's what I want to do. I figured it out; I can end the story if I write it exactly right. And you know what I've done, what I've done to people. If I'm the only one that it's focusing on, then you and everyone else can- you'll be okay. Safe. That's what matters. I'll keep it busy, and that way, no one else gets hurt.

Edited 2025-01-27 17:03 (UTC)

There is a key to every door. It's a Motel. [ Jesse shakes her head. ] It's just finding the key.

[ « Maybe even having the permission to use the key? Whatever it is, I'll figure it out. WE will. »

She knows the memories between loops fade. That doesn't change the fact she knows she forced that door open once. She knows he was in the Motel with her once, maybe even more times than that. There will be a way for it to work again. They just need to figure it out.

The street lights flicker on.

Jesse shuts her eyes and squeezes his hands tightly. Soon, he's going to have to go back to the cell. Then whatever happens has to happen. ]

You know that isn't going to fix it, Alan. It just gives the Dark Presence another chance to get at YOU.

This door isn't an ordinary door. If it doesn't want you getting in, you won't get in.

[ And I won't get out.

He dimly remembers her forcing the door open, just as he dimly remembers doing what he could on his end to try and shove the door open so that he could get out. It was hard and difficult, and he remembers she got hurt in the process, and when he thinks about that, it makes him want to refuse to try again. He can't stand hurting her or causing her harm, and all he can see is that trying to break her way in would only cause her more harm.

His gaze shifts to look at the street lights that have just turned on. Their time is short and most likely coming to an end. He has to steel himself for whatever's coming, good or bad. And knowing the story, it's going to be bad. Hopefully it's only bad for him; hopefully he wrote something that would keep Jesse and her people safe.

It's the only thing he can do: writing and praying that the darkness doesn't slither into the story and change what he's written. ]

So what if it gets at me? If I can keep it focused on me, if I can just get us both back in the Dark Place- maybe this time, it won't get out again. If we're stuck on the other side, that means the rest of you are safe, doesn't it?

[ He can't quite stop his voice from shaking once, betraying how afraid he actually is. But afraid or not, he can't let anyone else be hurt or killed or worse. This has to end, and this is the only way he can see to make it end. ]

What other choice do we have?

The doors in the Motel will open if we have the key. We didn't before. [ Jesse's tone suggests she won't accept any other answer than this. ] I'll find a way to get it.

[ She doesn't know how or when. But, she'll find a way to make that door open. She'll find a way to get inside the Writer's Room again and pull him home. They can't be "starcrossed lovers" forever.

« I won't let us bet hat way. » ]

If it gets you? It gets out. It takes control. It will make you write what it wants on that typewriter and then an AWE will happen and it will win. You know what it means if it gets you, Alan. Stop trying to sacrifice yourself thinking it's going to make up for this horror story.

It'll just make an even worse one if you do.

[ A shake of her head. ] We're never fully safe. You know that.

"If" we have the key. Knowing this place, the key exists, but we'll have to chase it around to find it. If we can even find it. [ He tilts his head to one side thinking for a second. ] Wasn't there something about a cord and a light? It can't be that easy.

[ Nothing about this story is easy. Even his attempts to write things to make it easier failed. Alan wishes he had half of Jesse's confidence. ]

But if you're determined to get it, you know I'll help. I have to.

[ His expression darkens and his jaw tenses as she goes on talking about what will happen if the darkness gets him. ]

I know what the risks are. I've known what they are this entire time. I just think that I could write something that's to the point, no loose ends. It can't get out. It'll just be me and the Dark Presence. It's a risk, but everything's a risk, and don't tell me I haven't thought this through. [ He has, a million times over. ]

Maybe a sacrifice is the key here. The real key.

[ He looks to try and meet her eyes before looking back down at the bed at the last second. ]

Maybe I can do something that makes everyone fully safe.

Edited 2025-02-17 09:33 (UTC)

I will find it.

[ Maybe Alan can find the key to get to the Motel. There's some ritual he will have to do or to make up. That's how those things work. But, the Motel works on dream logic, so it shouldn't be too difficult to figure out.

« If the Motel co-operates is something else. » ]

Sacrificing what? YOURSELF? That defeats the point. The whole point! [ Jesse pulls back and stares up at him. A hard stare. ] You can't be free if you off yourself off with the Dark Presence, Alan! You can't be here with me if...

[ The back door to the parking lot opens. Polaris shifts--it's Steve. They've run out of time. The story pulls again.

Jesse looks down and frowns. Her eyes narrow. She can't do anything. The story has to go as it was written and designed to be. Alan and Saga are the ones to work out how it ends. Not her. ]

[ He opens his mouth to say something more about finding the key, but then Jesse's words slam against him in what feels like an angry flood, and he feels himself flinch with each word. Of course she's right and of course he's being an idiot, but the thing is, he can't bear to see anyone else get hurt by the story. It's dark and evil and a lot of that is because of him; he's just as responsible for it as Scratch is. Because he's responsible for it, he has to do something about it.

But he knows that if he makes himself the sacrifice, then the life they want to have together won't ever happen.

Still, he can't pretend that throwing himself on the sword feels like the right thing to do... but the right thing for who? Him? Definitely not for Jesse. That feeling of being conflicted takes root again just in time for the door to open and Steve to start making his way towards them.

They're out of time, and soon enough, the story will sweep them apart. Before that happens, Alan reaches out for Jesse. He reaches for her hand, or for any part of her that he can reach, whether her arm or her elbow. ]

Jesse. [ This could be their last chance to talk to each other for a long time, and he doesn't want their last words to each other to be a fight. ]

[ He squeezes the hands he's been holding. It takes an additional moment for her to raise her eyes to him. There are so many emotions in her gaze it's hard to pin down which one she feels the most. Frustration, anger, longing, resigned, the want to punch something and make it work how she wants it.

« But that's not how the story goes. »

She doesn't ask something so pointless as to if he realizes why she's upset. He won't know because she won't tell him about what Alice had said. She doesn't want to drive a wedge between them or have his memory of his late wife tainted. Alan needs something good, and she won't take that away from him. Ever. ]

What?

[ He looks into her eyes, trying to decipher the storm of emotions he's seeing there, but so many of them are overlapping that he finds himself trying to focus on each one and identify what he's seeing. Maybe at the end of it all, it's frustration and anger, maybe even hating him for the situation they're tangled up in: a situation that still feels like it's entirely his fault.

He can't begin to guess at what might be the root of her upset, as she hasn't told him about Alice, but he wonders if whatever this is, if it'll be the straw that breaks the camel's back of their relationship. Brushing his fingers against the surface of her hand, he replies: ]

There's something bothering you, isn't there?

[ Maybe a small part of him doesn't want to know what it is, but another part of him would rather hear it and have it addressed before the story starts digging in and pulling them apart again. ]

All of this. Every single bit of it.

[ But that's not how the story goes.

She won't tell him about Alice. He doesn't need to see his deceased wife in a bad light. Alan deserves to have peace with the situation--not deal with her upset about being unable to do anything about the story. She was pulled into the story. Their romance wasn't supposed to happen.

« Is it a romance? » ]

You and Saga are the ones to solve it. We've been over it. We don't have the time to revisit what we just did. We need to stop looping.

Edited 2025-03-20 09:01 (UTC)

[ For some reason, her words land like a ton of bricks. Of course he knows that this entire experience has been terrible. It's been difficult, it's been unfair. In more ways than one, it's been the worst possible thing for all of them, and Alan hates himself for it.

Why did I have to drag all these people into this? I thought that I could use them and their stories to help, but look at what that's brought everyone.

Jesse doesn't even have to tell him about Alice; he doesn't see her in a bad light, but it's easy for him to imagine that Alice might have seen him in one. Nearly everyone else does, so why shouldn't Alice too?

Maybe Jesse's starting to see him in a bad light now as well. ]

Then stop looping. [ The words slip out before he can stop them. ] I don't want you to go, but maybe- It's like you said: Saga and I have to solve this because that's how the story goes. Of course I want you here, but you don't have to stay, not if you want to leave. If you stay, you and your people will keep being in danger, and I don't want that.

[ I hope she can understand that I'm not sending her away or saying I don't want her here. It just might be better for her to leave, and come back when this is over. ]

You get what I'm saying, right? You've helped me, you really have, but maybe... [ He trails off again, finding he can't finish his own sentence. ]

oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞

OCEANVIEW III

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)