synthneon | oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞

[ Alan looks conflicted at that; it's more than feeling conflicted. He's actually upset that Jesse can't be the hero that he wants her to be. He sees her as important, so why isn't that good enough for the story? Why can't he write her in as the hero when that's the one thing he wants most other than being free of it?

His hands clench into fists as his upset at the situation grows. ]

That's not all I want, though. I want you to be the hero if that's what you want to be. I want to have you around as long as you want to be here. [ He knows it sounds childish and petulant and full of a frustrated defiance, but he finds he can't hold it back. ]

Why can't we have what we want?

[ He reluctantly shifts his gaze away too, although doing so won't make any of this easier for either of them. ]

If it's too much, you don't have to. I'll look for you when I'm out. When I'm home.

Because it's not your story. Is it? You didn't write it. You just editted it.

[ Jesse still isn't sure how Scratch could even write a story. How he was able to tap into that ability of Alan's to craft a story. There must be more to Scratch than they realize... or that Alan wants to admit.

« Maybe if Alan had written it... no, I doubt there'd be a reason for me to be here if we weren't... you know. I would have just been relegated to thr back regardless if we hadn't connected. I was a stranger to him before all this. Just like Saga. »

She gently squeezes his hands. ]

There's not much more for me to do other than that. Is there? We both know I can't cross into the Lake. You wouldn't want me to anyways.

Yeah, but why can't I just edit it more and make you the hero? I mean, if you want to be that. I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do, even if it's just nudging you a certain way. If that's what it is.

[ Suddenly Alan finds himself doubting himself and what control he even has. Maybe he has no control at all; maybe he never did. Maybe he's just in the backseat as the story unfolds itself around him. Maybe the fact that he can make edits at all is just something else in the story.

He forces himself to give her a smile, although it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He's not sure what emotion he's feeling right now, but it all boils down to upset. Upset that he can't change the story to what he wants it to be. Upset that Jesse has to be in this position at all. He's just upset with everything. ]

No, I know you're right, but why does it have to be like this? I hate leaving you behind.

[ She can't go with him into the Lake, because it's too dangerous, but he doesn't want to keep leaving her behind. His hands clench tightly even in her hold as his upset rises. ]

I hate this. I really hate this, Jesse.

We've tried it, Alan. [ Jesse looks at him squarely. She frowns. The hint of pain is in her gaze. He may not remember, and she may not remember details, but she knows they've tried that. ] It didn't work. This is the only way it's going to work. You know that.

[ Her gaze drops then. ] The hero of the story is Saga Anderson. I need to do anything I can to make sure that she has what she needs... and that you have what you need.

[ « And we both guide them. » ]

I know. You said this story is a monster.

[ Her words seem to strike him like he's just been hit with a ton of bricks. Of course he knows that this is the only way; it's what the story demands, and trying to force it to change won't work. It's just that he can't bring himself to accept it. He wants it to be different; he wants it to be the way he wants, but he's being forced to admit that it's not going to be that way.

Her gaze lands on him, but his shifts away. Suddenly he finds that he can't even look at her; not because he's angry with her but because none of this is what he wants.

She might be reluctantly resigned to it, but he still wants to push back, to try and throw off what the story is forcing him to do. It's not even that he can't or won't work alongside Saga; it's that there's someone else he wants to do that with instead. ]

I don't know if I can do this, but- I don't have a choice. I have to do it. I have to keep going.

[ Can I really do it? Follow the story to the ending and maybe come home once it's over? I don't know if I can. ]

[ She lowers hers once he looks away. Green eyes stare at their conjoined hands. She wants to push back; to force the story to be theirs. However, that's not reality. That isn't how the story will turn out in the end. Reality is that this story belongs to Scratch. It's a monster. They have to just deal with that fact and... not move on, but, something to the effect of finding a way to make their reality come true. ]

You can do this. You will do it. I'll make sure of it. You won't be alone in getting this done. [ Jesse pauses. Polaris shifts. ] Both of us will.

[ Alan knows the story isn't his; he didn't write it. He just came upon it too late, because Scratch had already written it and set a series of horrifying events into motion. All Alan can do now is make edits and change what he can within the story that's been written. It's a terrible, dark story, and it's not at all the one that Alan wants, but it's what they have.

To Alan, it feels as though the story fights him at every turn, resisting his efforts to edit it. For now, he's fighting back, even though a part of him feels the futility of it all. Giving up means that Scratch wins and that darkness will take over everything, and he just can't allow that.

It's just a matter of summoning up the willpower to keep going. That's the part that Alan isn't sure of. Can he do it? Can he keep pushing back? ]

I know you will. [ At first, he says the words automatically as if by rote. He believes Jesse will do her best to do what she says, but he doesn't sound very confident in the idea. That is, until she pauses and he feels that shift. That resonance coming from Polaris. Polaris is confident because of course she is. It's not the same kind of confidence that a human has. It's more than that. It's hard to define, but it's definitely confidence. ]

I know I don't have any choice but to trust you. I do trust you, because I know you. Both of you.

[ Sort of.

He'll never know Polaris in the same way that Jesse does, but if she trusts her, then s does he. ]

Would you trust us even if you didn't know us? Or, only because the story told you to?

[ Their trust and understanding is built on several loops of "Return." Loops that they won't even begin to remember. Yet, somehow, the emotional memories remain on some level. She's not sure if that's only because of the manuscript page she had him write... or if it was something more. ]

I'm guessing there's nothing you'll let me do to make the cell easier for you.

[ Jesse already knows the answer is "no." That's not how the story goes. She's going to have to watch Alan be beaten down and not step in to help. She hasn't seen the manuscript pages ahead, she hasn't helped him write the story. It's obvious in her mind. If Scratch has to get so close to winning... it means that Alan has to almost lose.

« How do we make sure that he wins? That Saga wins? I know that it's not up to us. We have to trust them to do that. Guide them down the right way. How? This isn't my forte. How do we do this? » ]

Edited 2024-11-28 11:25 (UTC)

I can't say that I'd trust you immediately, but I want to say that I'd come around eventually. Or the story would just make me do it, I guess. But the sentimental part of me says I'd always trust you because you've never given me a reason not to. And yeah, I know that doesn't make sense if I didn't know you from Adam.

[ What Alan's not saying because of embarrassment is that there's a part of him that's a shameless romantic, and that part of him wants to believe he'd always trust Jesse because of how much he loves her and cares about her. ]

What would you do if I said yes? [ Alan doesn't want this any more than she does. He might not be able to see the future, but he knows how dark the story is, and how dark his path is that he's currently walking on. The ending isn't going to be a good one, at least not entirely. It's going to be long and difficult and he expects that he'll have to pay a pretty hefty price in order to get the ending that they all want: the ending in which they win.

It's going to be hell, and Alan's not sure he's ready to face it, but he also knows that he has no choice. ]

You trusted me on some level. Enough to reach out to me and Polaris... even if you were desperate and reaching for straws.

[ « Or, at least, that's what I'd like to think. We were probably nothing more than just an idea that came to him as he stared out into the Dark Place. That's more realistic. » ]

You already know. [ Jesse lets out a sigh and closes her eyes. How much of this part of the story is Scratch... and how much is Alan punishing himself? ] We know how the story would go if I had a say in it. If I got to edit any of it. Which means... Polaris and I follow what you think you need to do. Manuscript and all.

[ Jesse sits up. Her hands remain in his, but her shoulders have sunken. Just for a moment. A moment to show how much she hates all of what has to happen. He may not know what she does, and he may not understand how much it takes in her to not do something. Anything.

Hopefully the look on her face communicates even a fraction of the restraint, acceptance, and dislike she is experiencing. ]

Edited 2024-12-05 10:27 (UTC)

... Yeah. I remember. I don't remember forgetting, but- Trying to hold onto memories when something is trying to make you forget the ones that matter is difficult. It's not impossible, it's just difficult. [ He tries to think back to how he first reached out to the two of them. ]

There was a page that I was writing, and I was writing about you, but somehow... You heard it, or you saw me reading the page. [ He shakes his head. He just remembers the page that he was trying to write, a desperate attempt to reach out for help. He doesn't exactly remember how Jesse saw him or heard him, just that she did somehow. A desperate man, that was it. He's still a desperate man now, just maybe not as desperate. ]

I don't know if I know anything. So much of what I thought I knew is washed away. It's washing away. Dark waves. Water. It's trying to make me forget.

[ His hands clench slightly against hers, not to the point of hurting her; it's just a frustrated reaction coming from a place of helplessness. ]

What happens if I don't really know what to do? What if Scratch takes over and wins while I'm still trying to figure it out?

[ His expression shifts again, this time to one of thoughtfulness as he tries to think of something, anything that would help. ]

What if the story doesn't know that you're the one editing it? What if the Dark Presence can't figure it out?

[ Subterfuge. Concealment. Those are things that exist. Maybe we can use them. Could we use them? Is it worth a try? I'd try just about anything as long as I'm the only one who has to pay the price. Jesse shouldn't pay the price. Doesn't need to pay anything. She's done enough. She's doing enough. If we can make this work... I'll pay whatever the price is. ]

What do you think?

Your writing came over the Hotline. Almost like you were narrating what you wrote. [ « Now that I think about it? It was exactly like reading a manuscript page. Everything shifts and you only hear Alan's voice. » ] I just... did what you said to do over the Hotline.

[ Her hands clamp down around his to give him a steady place to stand. Waters wash things away, but she is sure that the memories are still there. The knowledge is deep inside him. Once they have him free of the Dark Place? He could regain all that knowledge. ]

We tried my edits. My dictating of the story. We're still here. [ Jesse glances to the side. ] You'll know what to do when the time comes, Alan.

[ Eyes close. ] If I were the one editing it? You'd come home after facing off with the Dark Presence. Scratch would be taken out for good. Saga and Casey would be fine. Everything would end with people at least in a way to get you all cared for after that.

I'm not sure how you could ever write that into existence with Scratch's story.

Edited 2024-12-27 07:37 (UTC)

Right... I remember. It's faint, almost far away, but I do remember trying to reach you. I guess that I learned your name from a vision, or some kind of inspiration that reached me even in the Dark Place. [ He pauses for a moment to think about the implications of all this. ]

I think... No, I know that I'm glad I was actually able to meet you. [ I know she said she was happy to meet me because I'm a parautilitarian, but now... I hope she's glad she met me because of more than just that. She's said it, implied it with her actions. I really hope she's glad. ] Maybe part of me always wanted to meet you.

[ An exhale of breath leaves him when he feels her hands clamp down on his. She does steady him, almost like she's the foundation he's building himself on. It's not a perfect analogy, but she's rock solid when he's anything but, and maybe it's unfair of him to rely on her so much, but there's no denying the fact that she helps ground him when he needs it. And let's face it, he needs it a lot. ]

I guess so. I just wish I was half as confident about it.

[ The confidence he used to have was gradually eroded and washed away until it was... not gone entirely, just only appearing in moments when inspiration struck. Those moments feel like they're becoming less and less now, but still, Alan's not giving up. ]

I want that ending. God, I want that ending, but I know the story won't let the ending go like that. It's a happy ending, and this story doesn't do happy.

[ I thought I was just miserable because I was making myself miserable, and that's probably still part of it, but this story doesn't let anyone be happy. It probably doesn't even know what being happy is. ]

Maybe if I do it just right, if I pick just the right words, I can make sure that you, Saga, Casey... anyone else who's even close to the center of things, comes out in one piece. Maybe that's all I can do.

[ I don't think I get to come out of this in one piece. There's always a price, right? I have to pay that price, whatever it is. But that doesn't mean the rest of them do too. ]

Maybe that can't be written into existence exactly like that, but maybe I can pull in bits and pieces and make it work. It has to be subtle, or the story will fail. Well, that part of the story will, at least.

Edited 2024-12-27 09:10 (UTC)

I guess I should take it as a compliment that Polaris and I stood out so much.

[ « I'm still not entirely sure how the Dark Place works. There's probably thousands if not millions of things floating around there. It probably says a lot that you and I stuck out to any degree. » ]

Why would you have wanted to meet me? Unless it was just to get out of the Dark Place. That'd be fair enough. It was your main goal at first.

[ Alan Wake had never much crossed her radar until she found the Oldest House. Until he reached out to her. She had heard about the famous missing author. Everyone had on the news at the time.

Even more so when the Alex Casey movies happened. ]

Maybe the ending isn't to this story but the next one.

[ « Overly hopeful, but, you never know. » ]

You'll figure it out. You always do.

[ She simply nods to his statement. A simple answer, but she agrees. It has to be subtle. Almost manipulative. ]

Yeah, it's a compliment. Definitely a compliment. The two of you- I've never met anyone like you before. I still can't believe you even stopped to listen to me.

[ She asks her next question and he doesn't even have to think about it. ] Why wouldn't I want to meet you? Yeah, I needed help, and you stuck out to me as someone who might be able to help, but- it wasn't just because I was desperate and trying to get out.

I don't know how to explain it, but in all of the ideas, visions, whatever they were that I was seeing from inside the Dark Place... I think I kept seeing you. You, over everything else. Not all the time, just sometimes.

[ I think I wanted to see her, but the visions came at random. I still liked seeing her whenever she did appear, though. ]

Or it could be one ten different stories from now. Ten, a hundred- what if it doesn't stop?

[ He wants to be hopeful and think that maybe the story will end soon and he can go home, but he's not sure how to do that now. ]

I'll keep writing until I figure it out. [ He nods slowly, not liking the idea of being trapped in these loops still, but there's no other choice. ]

Hopefully there's no one else like me. One weirdo from Ordinary is enough for everyone.

[ Jesse falls quiet. She's certain most of Alan wanting to meet her in the beginning was to be saved. That was why he contacted her to begin with. Who knows how or when he fell in love with her in all the different loops and versions of "Return." She can't pin point when she fell in love with him either. That probably doesn't matter anymore really.

This is just conversation to delay the inevitable when the sun starts to set. ]

Probably because of Polaris.

[ Jesse gives him a nudge with his knee. ] What if it DOES stop?

There's no one else like you because no one else could be like you. [ He says that easily but with all the conviction to back it up, because he believes in it completely.

If all they're doing is trying to delay the inevitable, well, Alan's all right with causing more delays. Not that talking with her is causing anything, because the sun will set whether they want it to or not. ]

Polaris helped, but... I can't see anyone else when you're around.

[ She nudges his knee and asks that question, and he has an answer immediately. ] Then I'm coming home and I'm staying there. With you.

No one else should be like me.

[ The idea of someone else being merged or completed or whatever the right term is with a alien resonance isn't necessarily a good thing. It works for her as Jesse Faden. Not everyone else should aim to be what she has become. Only a particular type of person becomes the Director. Not that she's sure people should even aim to be like her. ]

So, we're blinding?

[ Her hands squeeze his at his next sentence. Tightly. ] You better stay at home when you finally make your way out of the dark. Otherwise? I'm dragging you back by your flannel shirt.

[ Knowing she's going to look at him and think he's the biggest moron in the world, he plows right on ahead anyway. ]

Yeah, because you're unique. No one else can be like you.

[ He knows that's not what she's talking about, and he knows what she means when she said those words. Of course she doesn't want anyone else being exactly like her, complete with an alien resonance in her head. It's not something that normally happens, and who knows how people would handle it if it was? Alan's accepted it, because it's just who Jesse is. It doesn't scare him or confuse him; Jesse and Polaris combined are the strongest allies he has, and he wouldn't have them change for anything in the world. ]

Blinding, that's it. Exactly. I don't want to see anyone else when you're around. It's like looking into the sun, only it's helpful, not dangerous. For me, anyway.

[ His hands curl around hers in return as his shoulders slightly fall. He wants to come home from the darkness so that he can be with her, so that nothing keeps them from each other anymore. He wants it so much that he can almost envision it, but picturing it won't make it happen. It'll sustain him until he gets there; that's what he keeps telling himself. ]

Even if the Dark Presence itself tries to pull me back in? [ It's something he's just begun to realize he's afraid of. What if he escapes, only to be dragged back in? Can Jesse really pull him out of the darkness's clutches again? ]

[ A blush sweeps across her face. Being compared to the sun? She supposes it makes sense. He referred to her red hair as firey once, and Polaris is always a bright geometric pattern. Combining the two would mean the sun. Even with the knowledge in mind, being compared to the sun seems so monumental in her head. Something that someone would focus on and only on her.

She holds his hands tighter as if to hide her embarrassment. ]

I pulled you out of that room once. I'll do it again if I have to.

[ « I'll force my way in. Find the key that opens it. Make him open it on his end. I won't let him be trapped there forever. » ]

[ Alan finds himself shaking his head then; the Dark Place is dangerous. It feels like it's eating his mind, his thoughts... what makes him him. What would happen if it got Jesse too? ]

What if this time, it goes wrong? You can't get too close to it, Jesse. It's obviously not good for me, but- it's dangerous. Really dangerous.

[ He loves her too much to let her get even a little close to the Dark Presence. Hasn't she gotten too close already? More than once, probably, and he's forgotten about all the times it's happened. ]

I love you, and because of that- [ He shakes his head again even as he squeezes her hands tighter. ]

[ She lets out a low sigh. ] There's a room in the Motel to the Dark Place. I've seen the door. I've seen you behind the door--with Zane. All I need is the key in. I'll find the key and pull you back from it if I have to.

[ Jesse won't bother circling around the argument about her job is unsafe to begin with. Everything about being the Director is dangerous. He wants her to stay out of danger, particularly with the Dark Place, but she can't promise that it won't happen. In fact? She refuses to promise it. The idea is unrealistic.

« And we can't just leave him behind the door forever. » ]

Because of that you're going to lock yourself away? That won't happen that way. You don't get to continually punish yourself.

A room... The Motel. Tom Zane. [ Alan repeats the words in the usual halfway hoarse voice he uses when he's narrating. Each word means something, and of course he knows what Jesse's talking about. He's just trying to put his scattered thoughts in as much order as he can, which is quite the feat as they don't seem to want to stay in order. ]

I don't know if there is a key for that door. If there is one, I have no idea how you're going to find it. And- and trying to break in, or even prop the door open won't work. It'll just close every time.

[ Alan doesn't want to argue that either, because he knows that what Jesse does is dangerous. Safety isn't guaranteed. It's not guaranteed that she or anyone else will come back alive. But letting her go at the Dark Presence isn't going to keep her safe either; in fact, it'll do the exact opposite. How can he knowingly let her run at the most dangerous entity that he knows? ]

Yeah... yeah, that's what I want to do. I figured it out; I can end the story if I write it exactly right. And you know what I've done, what I've done to people. If I'm the only one that it's focusing on, then you and everyone else can- you'll be okay. Safe. That's what matters. I'll keep it busy, and that way, no one else gets hurt.

Edited 2025-01-27 17:03 (UTC)

There is a key to every door. It's a Motel. [ Jesse shakes her head. ] It's just finding the key.

[ « Maybe even having the permission to use the key? Whatever it is, I'll figure it out. WE will. »

She knows the memories between loops fade. That doesn't change the fact she knows she forced that door open once. She knows he was in the Motel with her once, maybe even more times than that. There will be a way for it to work again. They just need to figure it out.

The street lights flicker on.

Jesse shuts her eyes and squeezes his hands tightly. Soon, he's going to have to go back to the cell. Then whatever happens has to happen. ]

You know that isn't going to fix it, Alan. It just gives the Dark Presence another chance to get at YOU.

This door isn't an ordinary door. If it doesn't want you getting in, you won't get in.

[ And I won't get out.

He dimly remembers her forcing the door open, just as he dimly remembers doing what he could on his end to try and shove the door open so that he could get out. It was hard and difficult, and he remembers she got hurt in the process, and when he thinks about that, it makes him want to refuse to try again. He can't stand hurting her or causing her harm, and all he can see is that trying to break her way in would only cause her more harm.

His gaze shifts to look at the street lights that have just turned on. Their time is short and most likely coming to an end. He has to steel himself for whatever's coming, good or bad. And knowing the story, it's going to be bad. Hopefully it's only bad for him; hopefully he wrote something that would keep Jesse and her people safe.

It's the only thing he can do: writing and praying that the darkness doesn't slither into the story and change what he's written. ]

So what if it gets at me? If I can keep it focused on me, if I can just get us both back in the Dark Place- maybe this time, it won't get out again. If we're stuck on the other side, that means the rest of you are safe, doesn't it?

[ He can't quite stop his voice from shaking once, betraying how afraid he actually is. But afraid or not, he can't let anyone else be hurt or killed or worse. This has to end, and this is the only way he can see to make it end. ]

What other choice do we have?

oceanview || ❝ made a promise i'm coming out alive. ❞

OCEANVIEW III

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