synthneon | oceanview (different path) || ❝ lost in mist for days and days, now you see the sunny seas. ❞

[ He had thought once that she wasn't quite where she was supposed to be yet. That she and Polaris hadn't "synched" yet. It took time for it to happen... the mantle had to be passed. Now, she's most likely what Alan had always thought she would have been.

She still worries it may not be something he accepts.

Rather, she did worry about it after it happened. When she was still dreaming of how their reunion would play out. If they even had a reunion.

That pull tugs at her again. She knows how his stories feel--how reality shifts. This isn't that. It's never been that way. This is that gravitational force that has always pulled her attention to him. Ever since he showed up in her apartment in Bright Falls. Her fingers curl slightly.

Despite the pull? She remains where she stands.

« What if I move and wake up back in the car to Bright Falls? What if this is just what I wanted... a dream... what if he disappears again? And then when I really meet him, he... »

She inhales sharply. Shoulders straighten to keep the emotions locked down inside. He'll know. He's always been able to read her like one of his books. He could always disarm her walls with a few words...

"Hi, Jesse."

She feels that control of her emotions starting to slip. She bites her lower lip.

Polaris shimmers around her. A gentle brush against the Writer's mind. Polaris acting on the wishes her host has but won't say outloud.

« Is he really home? My Alan... » ]

[ Strangely enough, now Alan finds himself wondering if he'll be something she can't accept. He feels different from who he was in those early days of his time in Bright Falls. He feels older, more tired, and a hundred times more lost and uncertain than he was back then. Well, maybe he was uncertain back then, but he feels like he's been turned around so many times that he no longer really knows where he is.

... Maybe she can help him figure out where he is and put his mind back together. Maybe that's asking too much.

He keeps looking at her as if trying to memorize her: her red hair, her green eyes, how she carries herself. If he forgets, he wants to at least remember how she looks.

He hears that inhale of breath, but she doesn't speak; he wonders if she just needs a moment to collect herself or if she really doesn't want to talk to him at all. He wouldn't blame her for that, not really.

There's that familiar brush against his mind as Polaris shimmers around her. He sees the shimmer and feels the brush, and he recognizes it instantly. Her guide. ]

It took longer than I meant it to, but I- I'm home. [ And as he says those words, he forcibly quashes the voice in his mind that attempts to raise doubts. I'm home. I have to be. I want to be. I AM. ]

[ How is that any different than her? She's definitely not the same as she was thirteen years ago. She and Polaris are... connected. Joined. It's not like it was before. She has powers, and abilities, and she's in charge of a government agency.

« What if he can't stand that? It's not like he had good run ins with the FBI. What if it's .... what if I'M.... we're... »

Her attention shifts the moment he seeming addresses the question she put towards Polaris. She doubts Alan has gained the ability to read minds. Hopefully. She'd probably drive him a little insane by the constant talking with Polaris if he could. Even then, that's not what her focus is entirely on.

It's on what he's said.

"I'm home."

Jesse finds herself standing in front of him suddenly. When she moved to him or how she moved so fast is barely noticeable to her. Her eyes are focused on his. Almost pulled into him like before. She's still guarded. Her lip trembles slightly, her hand curls into the plastic clipboard. Water pricks the corner of her eyes.

Every time she's reached out thinking he's home, he's always disappeared. He's always left her behind.

« Will he disappear if I touch him? Should I...? Would he even want me to? » ]

[ To him, it doesn't matter if Jesse's different now. It doesn't matter to him that she has Polaris with her permanently or that she's the Director now. She could be the Director of the circus and he'd still love her just as much. All right, so maybe a government agency and the circus aren't the same at all, but nothing would make him change how he feels about her.

He notices a slight shift in her expression and in what she's focusing on, and- wait. How did she do that? One second, she was standing slightly back and away from him, and the next, she's standing right in front of him. ]

... What happened, did you become the Flash when I wasn't looking?

[ He never was an avid comics reader, but he knows enough about them to know that the Flash is one of the staples of comic books. Did Jesse suddenly become like him in his absence?

He finds himself staring at her, watching to see what she does next or what she might say. The way her lip trembles surprises him, and he thinks he sees what looks like tears forming at the corner of her eyes. Maybe he's wrong and maybe he's imagining these things, but that doesn't stop him from reaching out to her, putting his hands on her arms, and pulling her in close to him, unwittingly answering her question in one smooth gesture. ]

[ A small smirk tugs to her face. She'd answer if she wasn't trying so hard to control her emotions.

« Something like that. »

Then, he pulls her in.

She finds herself resting against him with his arms around her. It brings back memories of those few times from years ago. It feels the same. The way he holds her, where his arms are around her, the intent behind the embrace. She inhales sharply again. Her head lowers to his shoulder. ]

... You're home.

[ It's repeating what he said, but if Alan truly remembers anything about her? He'll be able to read between the lines. He'll know what she means and what she is saying in just two words. She can smell the ocean rolling off him--as if he's been diving.

Jesse presses her face into his shoulder.

She drops the clipboard.

Her arms wrap around him. Hands curl into the flannel shirt that he's wearing. ]

[ He sees that smirk, and it makes him smile, knowing that at least something he said made her smile. He likes her smile, and he likes seeing her happy, or as close to happy as she can be.

Being like this, being able to hold her... it means everything to Alan. His memories might be scattered and hard to pull back together, but he remembers this. He remembers holding her and loving her and wanting to always be with her. It does feel the same, and it feels right. It feels like something they've done for a thousand years. ]

I finally made it. I came back. I came back for you.

[ She wraps her arms around him and he immediately presses his face into her shoulder as his hold on her tightens just a fraction. ]

I'm sorry I made you wait.

[ His face presses into her and a sob breaks out from her. Her shoulders shake and her face hides in the crook of his neck. A weight feels as if it's rolled off her. She's waited years for this moment.

They've done this before. This scene ...this moment. It played out different. Are they repeating themselves? How is that even possible? Can AWEs even do that?

He apologizes and another sob breaks out from her.

She wants to tell him everything that happened. What's hone on with her. What has happened.

All she can do is cling to him, lean against him, and try not to cry. ]

[ They have done this before, maybe more than once. Alan can't remember how many times they've done it, if it was once, twice, or a hundred. It doesn't matter to him; all that matters is holding Jesse and reassuring her that he's here and home and as far as he's concerned, not going anywhere.

If something tries to pull them apart, he'll fight back as hard as he can. She waited for him just like she said she would, and so the least he can do is fight tooth and nail to stay with her, if it comes to that.

For now, though, he simply holds her with one arm while he moves his other hand to her hair to stroke it in hopes of comforting her as best as he can. If she cries, he doesn't mind; he'll hold onto her for as long as she wants him to. ]

[ She shouldn't be crying. Now, she's the Director. She's in control. It doesn't matter that she's waited thirteen years for this moment. It doesn't matter she's dreamed and then hated dreams about this moment. She's waited, and dreamed, then hated waking up to find that it's a dream. ]

It's been thirteen years.

[ He obviously knows that by now. Yet, here she is. Saying it. Maybe it'll make the impact she's hoping it will. ]

I know, and I'm sorry. Sorry that you've had to wait, especially for an asshole like me.

[ He wants to kiss her, then kiss her again, to show her that this is real, that all the waiting has been (hopefully) worth it. Part of him worries that maybe she'll say it hasn't been worth it, that she resents him for everything he's put her through. She would be well within her rights to hate him. ]

I'll make it up to you, I promise. No more waiting.

[ I don't know how I'll do it, but I'll make sure she doesn't have to wait for me again. ]

[ Jesse raises her eyes to him, then her head. The tear streaks are obvious on her face. She hates being vulnerable. He knows this. Yet, here Alan Wake is, making show thing she'd never show anyone. She was stunned in silence once he had left her in the Well-Lit Room. The tears came later when she realized he wasn't coming back the next day.

Or the next day.

Or the day after that.

She cried when she found she had been left behind on the park bench in Arizona. After promising her she could go with him. That he wouldn't leave her behind again.

Then, the Oldest House years later. Finally, she had reconnected to him. He led her down a merry chase through the Investigations Sector--to Hartman. She put their past with him down. Freed him from the Dark Presence, if there was anything left of him after that. Then, she stood there in the room made up to look like the Cauldron Lake Lodge. She looked around, feeling the Darkness withdraw. With it went the communication on the Hotline. Alan slipped away from her once again in a building she controlled. Left her behind.

Again.

She screamed in frustration. Things were launched across the room. It was a miracle she managed to avoid hitting Steve with the outburst she had. She fell down to her knees. Punched the cement ground. Bruised her hand eventually. Then, she cried. The nineteen year old girl he had met finally broke through and cried. Reuniting with Dylan hadn't been the way she hoped. Then, she lost Alan. Again.

Would kissing really help heal all of that? Would telling him about any of it help at all? ]

Make it up to me. Really? How?

[ Alan hates that he's put her in this position. He hates the knowledge that all he's done is cause her trouble and upset and disappointment... the list of everything he's done could fill several books.

He doesn't have to know exactly how Jesse reacted when she found out that she was alone and he was gone. He can see how it affected her just by looking at her. The fact that there's tear streaks on her face only points to how upset she is. How upset she was, back then. Back then, now... she's still upset. Maybe she never stopped being upset. And it's all his fault.

His hands curl into fists as his anger at himself rises. It's not just anger, it's a form of hate directed at himself. But is it really all his fault? The story forced him to do things, didn't it? Or is that only a cop-out? ]

Well, you're probably angry, right? I would be if I were you. I know- I know it can't have been easy for you, and I wish that it had been different. [ What he remembers of it, anyway. Some of the memories are cloudy, but he remembers enough to know that he sent her messages to lead her to a certain point. To lead her to Hartman. He had a purpose for that, even if all it was was a desperate fool's hope.

She did it; she followed his call, and Hartman was dealt with, but at the end of it all, they were still separated. Maybe they were always going to be separated; maybe it was foolish to hope that the connection would linger and he could still somehow reach out to her. ]

You kind of look like you could hit me right now. You can, if you want. Yell, throw a punch, scream... I'll let you do whatever you want, because- Well, you should be able to do what you want.

[ And I took that from her, didn't I?

And suddenly, Alan feels a sweeping sense of shame wash over him that forces his gaze away from her. ]

Edited 2025-01-23 18:36 (UTC)

oceanview (different path) || ❝ lost in mist for days and days, now you see the sunny seas. ❞

OCEANVIEW :: INTO THE DARK

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