synthneon | dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

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dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

DEAD OF NIGHT

Carve the secrets from your bruised still heart.

Shape my story, tear every page apart
Inside this room, you left your mark
I burn away the shadows, I strike a spark CODE BY TESSISAMESS

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[ Alan knows without question that he wants to give her all the experiences that she's missed, if he's able. He likes to think that he's good at finding out her needs and wants and doing his best to fulfill them for her, but if there's anything in particular that she desires, he wants to give that to her.

If she enjoys being held by him, he enjoys holding her. He enjoys feeling her arms curling around his waist, and the way her forehead presses into that space in between neck and shoulder. When the quiet settles over them both, Alan lets out an equally quiet sigh. How long has he dreamt of being able to be with Jesse like this? He's missed her too, and in those moments when he wasn't being plagued by darkness, he imagined himself holding her, kissing her face, touching her hair... it was a poor substitute for the real thing, but those imagined moments were all he had. They helped ease some of his loneliness even so, but it was always hard coming back to reality and facing the fact that he was still alone.

But now neither of them are alone. They're together, they have each other, and they can figure out this present problem together too. If she let those tears fall, he'd be quick to kiss her gently and carefully brush them away. She's cried too much and lived through too much pain and sadness; if there's anything he can do to shield her from being hurt again, that's what he intends to do. ]

I still want to see it, but like you said, that's a little difficult now. But when... when the time is right, I do want to see the parts of it that are here.

[ He falls silent for a moment to try and sort through his swirling thoughts and formulate them into questions that might fill in the gaps for him. ]

How long have you and the rest of the Bureau been here?

[ Jesse has faint memories of Alan once saying this is what he wanted. A chance to hold her and be the rock or support she needed. She can't remember exactly when or where she said it, or how she even remembers, but she knows it happened. She curls into him after a moment. The notion is odd and strange to her. Not uncomfortable, just, foreign.

The quiet sigh he gives makes her smirk. At least she picked the right path this time. ]

I'll show you what we've been able to take back. It's not much, just namely Central Executive. [ A hand raises to make a gesture that he can't see. ] Polaris and I have been focusing on that while what's here of my management team works on trying to note who is here and find ways to help people after they... come back.

[ She briefly glances up at him to try and gauge his reaction to that. ]

Time doesn't work here the way it does back home. More like how it does in the Dark Place. I think. It's hard to tell. It feels like it's been awhile now... like a few months? Maybe more.

How long was it for you in the Dark Place? I know it was about a year after for us... did you ever figure out how to tell time there?

[ It's such a trite notion, but Alan's a trite writer by his own admission, so it just seems to track with who he is. He just wants to be Jesse's rock and support; she doesn't need a protector, but if she did, he'd want to be that too. Still, it's enough for him to be able to hold her and give her comfort and support and love when she needs it.

His arms instinctively curl around her more when she moves to curl further into him. ]

Maybe you could describe the rest of it to me, or at least describe what you can, and I'd probably be able to picture it. You know, vivid imagination and all. [ It's too much of an imagination at times, but it has its moments of usefulness. ]

After they come back? [ He figures she didn't emphasize that without reason, so he glances back at her with a questioning look. ] It's not just coming back, is it? It's something more.

[ And he figures it's a something more that he's not going to like. But that just seems to be the way his life goes, and there's nothing he can do about it. ]

I don't know, even now. An hour could feel like a day. A day could feel like a whole week. But those were just feelings, and I never really knew whether it was morning or evening. Still, it felt like years. Long years, and I missed you. I missed you a lot.

[ He leans in so that he can press a deep kiss to her cheek. ]

[ She's not even sure or aware of if she needs a rock to ground her. She might. Too much of her life is out in other realities, touching the unknown, enveloped in alien battlegrounds. Nothing really grounds her outside of the Bureau and Dylan. There has to be someone or something to help bring her back. She can't end up like Northmoore or Trench. She won't let that happen to her.

« Is it really fair for me to ask that of Alan after everything he's been through? He needs more of a rock than I do. Thirteen years in an alien dimension that ate at your mind. Something needs to bring his mind back home when it threatens to wash away again. We need to be that for him. » ]

A lot of the Oldest House looks like Central Executive. It's that same style of concrete, but, some rooms can bend. Others can seemingly build and build in any direction to make it longer or taller. There's.... so many places. Investigations is another place we've been trying to clean up. That's where Hartman got out. He trashed the entire Sector. I could see why they locked down the sector even before the Hiss found him.

I mentioned it, but... these trails that the Entity puts people in? They don't always come back from them alive. But, they come back. People can't stay dead here. When they come back they've lost their memories of the time here in the Fog. We're trying to find ways to help people document what happens so they can regain something. I'm not sure if it'll actually be of any help.

[ Her shoulders curl at his kiss, but not to pull away. If anything she seems to be arguing with herself about curling into him more. ]

So, we'll never really know how long you've been gone. How much the Dark Place took away from you. What we can get back--if anything.

[ Maybe she doesn't. She probably doesn't, actually. In Alan's eyes, Jesse is the strong one. She lived through Ordinary, she lived through losing her parents and the kids who played around the junkyards in Ordinary... she's still living with the fact that her brother is lost somewhere. Isn't it bad enough that Dylan's been in a coma for so many years, and now he's lost somewhere in the fog?

A lesser, weaker person would have given up a long time ago, but Jesse is still here and still fighting. Sometimes, Alan wishes that he had half of her strength. Maybe then he could stand on his own and not need her to prop him up when it all becomes too much.

Maybe with time, he'll be able to do that. He wants to be able to stand on his own, and try to repay her for all the help and support she's given him. ]

I know I'm not like you and the others with fighting experience, at least not to that same level, but- can I help with cleaning up? When I'm not interviewing and cataloguing people, that is. Unless the cleaning up is the kind of cleaning up that requires the ability to move things with your mind... But the point is, I want to help.

[ Alan's expression darkens, and it's clear that he's not liking what Jesse's saying. It seems like an inevitability, something unavoidable, but that doesn't mean he likes it. It's just one more example of how powerless he is to do anything meaningful. He couldn't save Jesse in the loops, and it seems that he can't save her here, let alone save himself. ]

This isn't fair. Oh, I know, nothing in either of our lives is fair, but for one damn moment, I just want to be able to stop people I care about from getting hurt. [ Something inside Alan has snapped, and some anger and frustration comes spilling out.

Why can't I do anything to protect her? Am I always going to have to lose her?

He's angry and frustrated and some hurt that he buried deep is threatening to break through, but he has to fight to push it back down. He won't ruin this moment with Jesse. They need this; they've earned it. And it's without even a little hesitation that he slowly, carefully pulls her closer to him. She can curl back away if she wants, but he just gives a gentle tug to indicate that he wants her nearer. Closer. ]

Honestly? It could take everything from me, but the one thing it can't take... the one person it can't take... It's always going to be you.

[ I just hope that that's enough for her. ]

[ She wasn't always strong or a powerhouse of paranormal energies. There was a time she was just an ordinary girl terrified of the world around her. Afraid to trust anyone. Lonely. Paranoid. That girl was a long time ago, but, p art of her is still inside Jesse and always will be.

He never needs to repay her for anything. ]

Sure--I mean, if you want. I didn't take you for someone who would want to do janitor work. [ She smirks then, and wonders if he can feel it against his skin. ] I was a janitor once. Ahti always considered me his assistant, but, I worked as a janitor. Weird late night jobs gave me the cover I needed sometimes. Or, at least, I thought they did.

[ Jesse shifts in his arms at his outburst. Her arms raise from his waist to wrap around him, pulling him closer to lean against her and hide his face in her neck if he needs. Her hands make sure not to rest against his wound. One curls into his hair and the other on the side of his face. ]

Alan. [ Her tone is gentle, but her voice filled with that power and confidence she seems to just have. One would think it's natural. It's not. She's had to build it and work with it. ] Let's just... we're here for now. Okay? Both of us.

[ She presses against him at his statement. The confidence melts away. A shake takes her hands and she presses her face into his neck. ]

It doesn't get to take anything from you. Not this place. The Dark Place. The Lake. None of it. [ A tremor replaces the confidence in her voice. ] Don't let it.

[ To Alan, that's what makes her strength all the more impressive. She's come so far and grown so much, and it makes him admire her more. ]

Well, you know... [ He pauses to take a deep sigh that she can probably feel, given how close they are to each other. ] I figured the last thing that I deserve is a job. [ He's not going to say it, because he knows by now how she feels about him talking about what he deserves, and he's also not going to mention that part of him still feels like he deserves a jail cell for his part in things. ] I don't think I can be too picky right now.

[ He does feel that smirk, and he smirks in return. ] If I become a janitor, I'll ask you for tips.

[ But then his frustrated outburst comes and he simply leans against her and briefly tucks his face into the side of her neck, hoping her closeness eases his sudden agitation and the worries that he can do nothing about. ]

I'm sorry, I hate that I can't do anything here. I can't keep you safe, I- [ He mumbles those words against the side of her neck, then he has to force himself to take another breath or he'll just lose himself in spiraling emotions, and that isn't what he wants. ] God, I hate this.

[ He buries his face further into her neck, seeking comfort that part of him still feels he doesn't deserve. ]

I know, I- Shit. [ The realization comes too late that maybe that's not what she wanted or needed to hear. She has her buttons that shouldn't be pushed, and he has a feeling that he just pushed one of those. ] I won't. I won't let it. I'm sorry.

[ He shakes his head briefly, pulling back from her just a fraction. ]

So much for being good with words.

[ The sound of the sigh reverberates through her and makes her smile against his skin. It may sound odd to anyone else, but for her, it is a reminder that he is physically here with her. He isn't far away in another dimension and they are crossing in dreams. This isn't a story he's written where they're bound by time constraints in manuscripts. He's here with her and it's real.

They're real after all this time. ]

We'll start you off working with Arish and getting to know anyone we find. Then, we can move you around where we need you. [ She gently kisses his neck. ] Who knows, maybe someone will just need to talk to you to calm down and feel better. I could see it.

[ The hand in his hair curls around the strands as she tries to be comforting. She doesn't know if she manages it. That feeling she'll never truly be good at any of this sticks to her like wet clothes in the rain. A part of her feels she can't live up to what Alice would be able to do for him. ]

We'll find a way to beat it, Alan. That's what we do here. Find a way to study and contain it if its dangerous. [ She gently hugs him. ] You'll be able to help.

[ Alan is good at words, regardless of the words outcome. They can hurt or they can heal. They can unlock a feeling or they can bury her in one. This particular feeling is one she wasn't aware had been buried inside until he brushed on it earlier. The idea that part of him will always remain in the Dark Place. Something of him will never come home and will always be out of reach.

Her head lowers so she can press her forehead into his good shoulder. She pulls back at him so he can't put space between them. ]

I've seen it wash you away. [ Jesse's voice is small, vulnerable, scared. She can't bring to her mind where she was at or what she was doing. She can't get the details to come to her from the endless cycles. Only what she saw happened to him. ] I saw it pull pieces of you away. Drown out parts that make you Alan Wake to make you someone else.

Nothing else is ever going to do that to you again. You can't let it--I won't let it.

[ Perhaps they really are on the same wavelength, as Alan had a similar thought. Being here with Jesse like this, being really here, means that he can feel her breathing and she can most likely feel his as they hold onto each other. They're together, they're real- it's not a dream. It might be like a nightmare outside these walls, but inside, when it's just them, it's everything Alan could have hoped for.

He nods. ] Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.

[ A low moan escapes him unbidden and unasked for when he feels her hand curling around the strands of his hair. Her touch has always left him rather weak at the knees, and it's no different now. Now he can truly feel it and feel the love and care behind it. Maybe that's the difference. In the Dark Place, he was drowning. He was lost. The waves were constantly trying to drag him away. Even in the loops, things were trying to pull him away from her.

There's none of that here. There's just her and him and her hands in his hair and her body pressed to his. ]

Oh, Jesse, I love you. [ He breathes those words into her neck as his agitation fades beneath her touch. ]

I'm sorry I'm always hurting you. Even when I don't mean to, I'm always hurting you. [ He simply states it as a fact, because that's what it is.

I've seen it wash you away.

He remembers a moment in the Dark Place, in the writer's room. He wasn't there alone; the Dark Presence was there because it's always there, but Jesse was there too. How? He doesn't remember specifics. He just knows she was there.

His free hand travels to his throat, fingers covering it as if he feels a cough forming. It's just a memory, as he's not coughing now, but something made him do it. Something in that room. Something evil. The darkness had been inside him, and then it left. Well, "left" is hardly an accurate description, but either way, Jesse saw it all happen. ]

It won't happen again. I won't let it. I'll fight. [ Somehow. I'll fight. It's not going to take me from her. ] I'm yours, and I'm staying with you. If it wants to try and take me, well- I won't let it.

We're going to stay together.

[ She knows how Alan feels. The way his skin is to her touch, his hair, the sound of his voice even when she feels it resonating in her. Even the way Polaris amplifies herself when he had tuned into that frequency inside him is something she knows intimately. Even then, something always felt fantastical about it. She always knew it was altered reality. It wasn't what was set to be real.

Now it is.

If she hadn't made the decision to only move at his pace? She would kiss him deeply and shift to bring together again. Instead, she kisses his neck and leans her cheek against it. ] Staying here is enough.

[ Her fingers uncurl from his hair to simply brush the strands down. He still smells faintly of dark oceans. ]

I love you.

[ The hand at his back moves down his arm and to settle at the elbow of the hand that goes to his throat. She gently massages the spot to try and comfort him. ]

That's how it was every time it came for you--wasn't it? That violent. Hurtful. Invasive. [ Her voice wavers with each word before the tremor returns in both hands. ] Stealing pieces of you away so you'd stop fighting. Stop writing. Let it take over and invade our world.

[ For Alan, he could know her inside and out and he could have every single one of her features memorized, but he never wants to lose that excitement, that spark of joy that he feels whenever he looks at her and touches her. Oh, he loves her hair that's the color of fire and those green eyes that seem to pierce him right through whenever she looks at him. He remembers her laughing at the notion that he loves her in all her moods, whether she's happy or angry, but it's true, he does love her in every mood that she's in, because he loves everything about her. ]

If it ever stops being enough, I want to know about it so that I can make it better. So I can make it enough.

[ His eyes close momentarily as she brushes the strands of his hair down. He feels comfort sweeping over him again. ]

I love you too. I love you more. Maybe. [ He huffs out a quiet laugh. If he knows her at all, it's not hard for him to guess that she loves him fiercely too. There's no one-upping each other when it comes to this, not that that's a goal on his mind.

But his eyes darken slightly as the faint memories of that time in the writer's room come back to him. He never put words to how it felt to have darkness choking him, erasing him, taking him away piece by piece. ]

It- [ He pauses, but he makes himself continue. This will help, right? Talking about it will help him process... Part of him recoils from the idea, but he keeps pushing forward anyway. ] It hurt. It was like being drowned and pulled apart all at the same time.

[ I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I- I was losing myself. ]

It did make me stop, I think. I don't know for how long, or when I started writing again, but I... [ His voice wavers and he falters.

I died. Maybe not literally, but it felt like a death. ]

But I didn't just let it have me; I tried to fight for as long as I could. As hard as I could. [ The rational part of his mind tells him that Jesse doesn't think he's weak, but he has to get this point across regardless. ] I tried to fight it, but it- it wore me down in the end.

[ Ram these words down your throat... make you choke on these words. These are my words. ]

But it didn't take over, did it? It hasn't invaded our world. It won't invade our world because- because we'll stop it. Somehow.

[ He knows he doesn't sound confident, but he can't imagine losing the fight and letting the Dark Presence take their world and everything and everyone in it. It's unthinkable, and he won't let it happen. ]

[ Jesse finds herself in love with not just who he is--but who he can be. He so rarely sees who he can be. He lacks that confidence to always put forward even though it's right in the palm of his hands. Maybe now that he's home he can realize it. It may take time. As long as he can build enough of that confidence back up in order to do what he wants to do. Whatever that might be.

She smiles just a little. ] How would it never be enough? You've done everything else.

[ Her forehead presses into his shoulder. ] You might love me more. I might not... be able to know these things like normal people.

[ A quiet takes her as he describes what it was like. Her fingers brush through his hair once more to try and sooth him. Nothing can truly be done about what the Dark Presence has taken from him. All she can do is to reassure him that it can't happen any longer. ]

You did the best you could, Alan. Any of us would wear down after that long. Thirteen years. You kept it at bay that long. It may not feel like an achievement, but, it is. How many other people would have given up long before you did?

[ Jesse hates how her voice trembles. ] We have a monitoring site for that reason. I'm... hopefully Estevez and her team are still there while we're dealing with this.

[ A kiss to his cheek. ] Are you okay now?

[ The truth is, he doesn't see that he can be much of anything. He might be able to find a place writing scripts for Night Springs, but as far as he can tell, his best days are already far behind him. If all that his future involves is being there for Jesse and with her, well, that's good enough for him. Actually, if that's his future, that's a really good one in his book. Maybe he'll never get back the good days from early in his writing career, but he doesn't need them anyway. He has everything he needs with her. ]

Everything else, such as taking us out of the story, even though I put us back in later. I just don't want to hurt you anymore, so I promise I'll do my best to just be here.

[ He instinctively pulls her in closer in response to her admission. ] I don't need normal people. I just need you, and the love you're offering.

[ The love that is much more than I deserve.

His gaze focuses on her, and he knows she can most likely see the lingering pain in his eyes. What happened to him in the Dark Place may very well haunt him for years to come, but he has to put it behind him. He wants to put it behind him so he can fully walk into this new future with Jesse. There will probably be more bad days, but as long as the bad days don't outweigh the good ones, that's what matters.

He unconsciously leans more into her touch as if asking for more. It's all in his head, most likely, but he feels that terrible force pulling at him again even if it's just a memory. When he said that it hurt, he was understating it. It was most likely by design, to cause him to give up in order to end the hurt, but somehow he survived it. ]

I don't think I would have come out of it alive if you and Polaris hadn't helped me. You- you gave me something to hold onto even though the Dark Presence tried to tear it away. [ He lets out another sigh. ] I wouldn't have survived if I didn't have help. Hell, even Tim- Sheriff Breaker helped me along the way. I wonder where he is now. I wanted to get him out of the Dark Place too, but he kept insisting he still had to find out the truth.

[ His expression betrays the hint of guilt he still feels about that. Tim didn't want to leave, but Alan still hates the idea that he left him there. ]

Estevez seems like she knows what she's doing. She handled things by herself for a long time, didn't she? I bet she'll have it under control.

[ His lips turn up into a small smile, and a little of that haunted look in his eyes fades. It's not entirely gone, but some of the light has come back to his eyes. ]

Yeah. I'll be okay.

[ Jesse falls silent once more. Fingers curl slightly into his hair and skin. Her heart gives a painful beat. She has her own things that must be resolved with "Return", even a year and more later. The raw feeling inside remains even if she pushes it down further and further inside her.

« He's home. None of it should matter still. Why... »

She still has the page he wrote that's them locked away in her desk. It should be in the Panopticon. An Altered Item. But, as with the deer chain, she can't do it. She can't give what's so personal to be locked away.

Her mouth opens to say something--anything--but nothing comes forward. She makes a note of Breaker; Saga had mentioned him before as well.

I'll be okay.

Water clouds her gaze and her head tilts away. The familar shake comes to her hands. The image returns to her mind. Standing underneath the streetlight. Seeing the red lights on the back of the car drive into the night with no intent of coming back soon. The knowledge that once dawn broke, nothing would remain to show Alan Wake had once returned home from the night. That he had come and gone. He was once again the missing author.

Except this time he left someone behind.

Her lower lip trembles. Face presses into his shoulder as she tries to lock it all away again. It doesn't matter now. He's home. Why does it cling to her? ]

I didn't want to let you go. [ Her voice is uneven and her tone quivering. ] I didn't want to be just a story. I wanted...

[ « I wanted him to be with me. I wanted to reach beside me and feel his hand in the room without a poster. » ]

Edited 2024-03-19 20:47 (UTC)

Jesse.

[ She'll recognize his tone; it's deeper, with a veiled urgency in it. He doesn't move, doesn't pull away, because they need to be this close. ]

Are you okay? [ I can tell that she isn't. She's being the strong one, pushing it all down and trying to Jesse the Director, but it's spilling through. ]

I wish- I wish that I didn't have to leave you behind. I wish you could have come with me, but it was too dangerous. The Dark Place was and still is too dangerous. I didn't want to lose you.

[ He places his hand on top of her head, stroking her red hair as best as he can. ]

You're not just a story. We're not just a story. It's real now, and it's always going to be real.

[ Then, as if struck by a sudden inspiration, he removes his hand long enough to press a kiss to his palm and he places it back down on her head. ]

Yeah.

[ She pauses. ]

I'm okay.

[ Hands curl against him as her forehead presses further into his shoulder. "Okay" is a relative term and state of mind. She can function normally. Day to day, being the Director. Fighting against otherworldly forces that threaten their own. Sitting in meetings and doing paperwork. Those things are natural to her like breathing. She can do those regardless of anything else.

Entering her apartment and stopping at the door that led to the room set aside for him and hearing nothing? That was when "okay" took on another meaning. Knowing there was no one on the other side of the door typing away. Fingers would raise to the doorknob and slide over it. What was she point in opening it? It hadn't created something for him to anchor to. No connection was made between the two points.

It never brought Alan home.

A domino effect had gone into effect when she realized that one night. Sometime after the new year or around it. Her last idea to create a bridge point for Alan to find--hoping that some thin part of reality would exist so he could cross over by finding another Writer's Room waiting for him. Maybe he couldn't find it because it couldn't be created. Her role in the story was never to be the one to bring him home, even after the story ended. Polaris was there to amplify the Brightness, and she was there to use that to guide Saga and Alan to where they needed to be. A role cast by not Alan but another outside force. A person that could directly influence and guide things better than the person who put her in that role could be.

『 Faden was sensitive to visitations. She had them all the time. From her guiding star. And the previous director. She was the perfect receiver. As if she'd been made for this.. 』

A perfect receiver to pass along directions from the beyond. Directions and messages from someone that tried to reach Alan and couldn't.

"Okay" took on the meaning that she could still be the Director even if it felt like things that made her Jesse from Ordinary were taken away again. After all, what was the difference in seeing Alan drive off into the night from anything else? People disappearing because of the Not-Mother. Dylan going into coma after the Hiss Resonance was pushed out of him by Polaris. It was all the same shit over and over again.

Otherworldly forces taking things away no matter how powerful she became.

Jesse bites own on the inside of her cheek to keep herself in check as his palm rests on her head. She didn't see the motion but didn't need to in order to know what he did. ]

Everything's okay.

[ I wonder if she'll ever realize she doesn't have to always wear that brave face. But maybe that's just her thing. We both have our problems, our hangups. I guess all I can do is just be supportive and there for her when she needs me to be, and hope that that's enough.

He doesn't hesitate in putting his arm around her when she presses her forehead further into his shoulder. ]

Jesse, how can I help? [ He can't see into her mind, but he doesn't need to. He can read things into how she moves and how she talks, and he can tell that she still carries some demons with her. Maybe it's the demons from Ordinary, but he thinks it's something else. Something more. Something caused by her involvement with him. ]

You don't have to always be okay, not around me. Not with me. You don't have to be the Director when you're with me, unless you want to be.

[ This time, he reaches for one of her hands, whichever one is closest, and he gives it a warm squeeze. She can probably feel the warmth in his hands and the callouses on his palms and fingers from years of typing on typewriters. He rubs his fingers lightly against hers. ]

Tell me what's bothering you.

[ He's resolved to hear it and resolved to be a rock for her like she's been for him. She's been the strong one time and time again, and now it's his turn to be the strong one for her. ]

[ « I can't tell him. He'll just be more upset that it took him so long to come home. I can't DO that to him. Just, pull yourself together, Jesse. He doesn't need to see it. »

Her fingers slip between his with the offered warmth and security. The kiss to the top of her head hadn't gone unnoticed. Her head dips further into his shoulder, cheek brushing against his collarbone as if to curl further into his hold. Almost as if she curls enough then he really can protect her. ]

I don't want you upset about it. [ Her voice is barely over a whisper. ] It'll make you feel worse if I tell you.

[ Red hair falls to cover the side of her face that he could see. It's enough that he's holding her and finally here. She can work through the rest of it. ] Tell me how you got out. How you got back home. You found some way to do it.

[ With how they're sitting and how he's holding her, he can't quite see her eyes and she probably can't see his even if she wasn't dipping her head into his shoulder and curling more into his hold. But the look in his eyes is one of deep worry for her; he's not at all worried about himself and any upset he might feel at hearing whatever it is she has to say.

How many times has she had to listen to his frenzied rambles and seen him being washed out by dark waves? Too many times to count, he knows that. He'll never be able to repay the debt he owes her, but maybe he can begin to try by listening to her now. ]

I promise it won't upset me. I think- I think you need to talk about it, and it might help you if you do.

[ He shifts just a fraction to readjust but he doesn't stop holding her. ] How I got out...

[ He has to pause and think for a moment to remember exactly what he did. ]

Well, it was the basic formula of a script I'd written before, and I changed parts of it to fit with the story. With what I needed. I thought that I was close. I could feel it, I could feel home. The apartment. The city. Everything that I'd missed since- since I'd left.

But something went wrong. Maybe I was too confident, too wrapped up in the thought of going home. I was writing as I always did, and then I saw the apartment for just a second. But it wasn't the apartment. I don't understand how it happened, but it was like the walls fell away and I just saw a lamp overhead and a generator. It wasn't the apartment. It was here.

[ He pauses for a moment and then he adds: ] As long as you're here, I'm home.

[ Her eyes narrow at his promise. It's a promise someone can't make in her mind. Alan is an emotional person, not quite empathetic, but he feels deeply. He will be upset if she ever shows even the hint of how much the last struggle hurt her. He'll blame himself. Alan will internalise it as yet another thing he has make up for, when there is nothing he could have done.

Fingers slide against his. The motion is one she thought would be one she could never do again. She knows she held the hand of another Alan like this at one point. It wasn't the same as holding his hand.

Jesse closes her eyes. The words are never vocalized, but he can possibly feel her mouth the words: She was right afterall.

« Only Alan can bring himself home. No one else. That's what Alice said. We could help, but, he had to be the one to pull himself the rest the way. » ]

So, you either got home and the Entity pulled you here. Or, it made you think you were home and never were. [ She pauses. ] The Buearu was just invaded by the Fog. No warning. No following us from another dimension. It just... opened the door itself.

[ « What if us being here is what brought Alan? » ]

... I worried that you might find your way home and I wasn't there. Because of this. Guess we don't really need to worry about that now.

[ He doesn't need to hear her say that she doesn't believe him; he can see that she has reservations. It's not a lack of belief in him, although the darker parts of his mind are trying to convince him that she has no faith in him, no confidence in his ability to handle whatever she tells him. They're trying to drive him away from her, to amplify his doubts and worries by turning them into doubts about the strength of their relationship.

I won't let that happen. We've gone through too much to just give up now. I can't give up, but how can I make her believe me? How can I make her trust me when she has every reason to not trust me? How many times have I hurt her and let her down?

He refuses to let even a shred of doubt show in his eyes. She needs to see that he believes in himself and in his ability to keep it together even in the face of the worst things imaginable. He's lived through those, hasn't he? She has too, which makes them similar, if not the same. ]

Jesse- you were right, and I was wrong for how I went about it. I thought I was doing the right thing, and I thought I knew how I could make the story end.

I- [ He forces himself to keep looking at her, not allowing himself to look down or to the side. He needs to be strong now. ] I hurt you. I put you through hell, and you've already been there. I know I caused you hurt, but now- now I'm here, and I want to help you. Let me share it, Jesse, or carry all of it, if you'll let me. Please.

[ As for her theories, he simply sighs. He doesn't really know anything specific, just relying on suppositions and guesses. ]

Either one of those could be true, really. Was it like the Hiss coming all over again?

[ Insidious. Sneaky. Deceptive. Maybe there's a connection between the Hiss and the Fog. The Dark Presence too. They do seem to operate in similar ways. ]

If that happened, I'd just wait for you, as long as it took. I'd wait forever if I had to.

[ Her head moves as Alan directs it. Green eyes raise moments later to his with an almost uncharacteristic hesitancy. No fear is in her gaze. Only an incredible amount of vulnerability she is desperately attempting to manage and lock away again. Except, Alan Wake knows how to pull those emotions from her with just a few words. Almost as if he can wave his hand and magic happens. ]

N-no, Alan, it's not...

[ Jesse inhales sharply.

How can she explain it? She can't even begin to put it in words. Words fail her. Action is what she does. Give her the gun, point to a mess, she can clean it up. Ask her to explain her thoughts, feelings, memories? Everything walls up like a dam.

Her gaze drops once more. ] Everything I tried to bring you home ... failed. I couldn't--I wasn't the hero you wanted me to be in the story. I couldn't be if it was going to end. I wasn't there to be the hero. I wasn't there to solve the AWE and bring you home. I was...

[ « A side character. A minor role. Someone the editor wanted to be larger, but couldnt be because the story was about Alan. Saga. Brighr Falls. I didn't have a place there. Just... the Director of the Federal Bureau of Control. »

Her shoulders curl and her expression shifts to that of hee walls trying to come up and protect her. Natural defenses. ]

Not even the keychain helped you come home. Or the room set up for you. None of it worked. I couldn't even help after "Return" ended. Just... there to clean up the mess. For Polaris to help guide you and Saga for what you needed.

[ She frowns then, angry at herself for feeling the way she does. ] Like you said. It doesn't matter now. You're back from the Dark.

[ « I just need to get over it. » ]

[ Alan's touch is gentle as he directs her to look at him, his fingers curling lightly into the strands of red hair that he loves so much. He's not sure how he can convince her that she's no less of a hero in his eyes even though the story forced their hands and forced them into roles they didn't want. She saved him in all the ways that mattered. She gave him a reason to keep going when it felt like he had no reason or will to continue the fight.

No, what he kept thinking about in his darker moments was coming home to her, coming home to the apartment that was going to be theirs. That is theirs. His memories might be scattered and occasionally unreliable, but he remembers the keychain and the link to the apartment. It frustrates him that he wasn't able to find his way back to her, or reach her from the Dark Place, using the methods they'd tried before. Had he gone too deep? Could she not hear him anymore? Could he not hear her? He didn't know the answer, but it seemed as though he was on his own this time.

He hated it, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. He just didn't want her thinking that he didn't care enough to try. ]

Jesse, stop. So what we wanted didn't work; I couldn't make you the story's hero, but I don't care about that. The story doesn't matter, because to me, you're still the hero. You still saved me. I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without you. And you know what else? The whole time- [ Well, most of the time, when he wasn't being driven mad by the darkness. ] I was thinking about you. I was thinking about you and about how it would feel to finally come home to you.

[ She's absolutely not a side character in Alan's eyes. She's the hero, the savior, the most important character, and nothing will ever change his mind.

His other hand slides to rest on her shoulder when he sees them start to curl. ]

I know, and I'm sorry. I hoped- I wanted to use them to come back to you. To find you again. But even then, all I did was think about you. I- I talked to you a lot, even if you couldn't hear me.

[ He smiles at her, a wide but gentle one, to show that he never stopped believing in her. ]

So, Jesse, you were helping me all along. I don't want you saying you weren't.

[ And then he leans in to press a deep, loving kiss to her cheek. ]

[ A gentle blink of her eyes as his hands brush into her loosened hair. Her heart gives a powerful beat. She loves him so damn much, and that's why all of this is so much worse in her mind. All of this power and control she has amassed--even if she never asked for it--and she still can't bring the ones she loves home. She can do everything else a Director needs for the job title. Jesse felt in control until the rug was pulled from under her. It feels like Ordinary all over again. The Buearu taking her brother away with no way for her to stop them. Except this time it's another dimension that Alan willing re-entered. All her power and control meant nothing ... and she still couldn't beacon him home after it.

« He could connect to Alice. He got back to the apartment. How else could Scratch have done it? Alice didn't understand that she was bringing him home again and again. She didn't understand so the Buearu couldn't help.

If she could do it, what did I do so wrong that I couldn't? Why am I SO bad with relationships and others that I... »

Jesse's eyes dart to the side and narrow as water builds in them. She knows the answer and won't even say it to her oldest friend. Trust. Belief. She doesn't have those in people when it comes to the topic of herself. How could she ever bring Alan home when the fear and almost expectation in the back of her mind is that he'll walk away? Everyone else turned their back on the poster pulled from the wall. Why would Alan stay once he was free of the Dark Place?

How could I ever bring him home if I thought the moment he got back he'd leave? Why can't I just believe everything he says? Why am I not--I can't be as good at this as Alice was.

Her piercing green eyes dart back to his. "Stop it," he said. A tremor comes to her hands as the frown deepens more, water bluring her vision. How can she stop feeling this way? She can't. She gave control of the whole situation up to him and Saga. Saga got her ending. Alice got the ending of having saved Alan from his spiraling self destructive loops. Jesse feels as if she had her ending thrown away because she let it be thrown away. She let go of control and her demands and could never get it back.

« I spent a those years feeling this way. I was never going to feel this again. I told myself it would be different. "So what we want didn't work." He actually said that. »

Jesse forces herself to look down as the tears begin to escape. Frustration, anger, and hurt all directed at herself. Criticism at her own inaction. The feeling of being inadequet as a parter and being unable to do for him what his wife could.

« I don't want him to see this side of me. » ]

You hoped they would and they couldn't. They weren't enough. [ The tone is bitter and biting, but directed at herself. Her own failings not his. ] You talked to me and Polaris couldn't tell me. The Hotline couldn't connect. They weren't enough to get you out.

[ His kiss causes the tears to slip down her cheeks. Her eyebrows knit together. ] You helped yourself, you got yourself out. Saga helped you... Alice helped you. It would of gone the same if I hadn't been there.

You--you couldn't even hear us in the end. I tired so damn hard to reach you--and it never did. None of my messages, none of my directions. It only worked because I pulled back. Polaris pulled back. It worked because I let you go.

[ Her shaking hands come up to brush her tears away and barely manage that. ]

[ He doesn't stop brushing her hair and curling his fingers into the strands, but he doesn't say anything when he notes hwo she seems to be lost in thought herself. He's become decent at reading her and deciphering what's going on beneath the surface, but this time, he doesn't like it, because he doesn't know what to do. Even his reassurances don't seem to be doing much of anything, and so he's left wondering what exactly he should do here.

Is this the consequence of going with what the story said and being my own hero? At least, as far as saving myself is concerned? Are Jesse and I just going to have this elephant in the room with no idea how to get rid of it?

His free hand clenches in frustration. He's not as action oriented as Jesse is, but he hates this feeling. He hates feeling boxed in, and boxed in is exactly how he feels right now.

I'm sure we can figure this out, but I don't know how yet, or what we can do to get us there. Running isn't the answer, not that I would anyway. Maybe the me from thirteen years ago would have, but I'm not doing that now. I just don't know what I'm doing.

His inner dialogue ceases the moment she starts speaking again, but that boxed in feeling doesn't go away. ]

So what do you want us to do now? What do you want me to do? You know I'll do anything you want, I just- I don't know what that is.

[ Well, he knows he wants to move past this and actually start to live but it seems that they need to address that elephant before anything else can happen. ]

You let me go then, but I'm right here now. [ Does that count for anything?

He moves his hand from her hair to brush her tears away too, brushing against her hand in the process, perhaps intentionally. ]

I want to help, but I don't know how. What can I do? [ This can't be fixed with just kisses and hugs. She needs more. ]

Edited 2024-03-25 03:12 (UTC)

DEAD OF NIGHT

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