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synthneon2024-01-10 07:34 pm
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2024-01-10 07:34 pm
Entry tags:
dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞
Inside this room, you left your mark
I burn away the shadows, I strike a spark
no subject
They're real after all this time. ]
We'll start you off working with Arish and getting to know anyone we find. Then, we can move you around where we need you. [ She gently kisses his neck. ] Who knows, maybe someone will just need to talk to you to calm down and feel better. I could see it.
[ The hand in his hair curls around the strands as she tries to be comforting. She doesn't know if she manages it. That feeling she'll never truly be good at any of this sticks to her like wet clothes in the rain. A part of her feels she can't live up to what Alice would be able to do for him. ]
We'll find a way to beat it, Alan. That's what we do here. Find a way to study and contain it if its dangerous. [ She gently hugs him. ] You'll be able to help.
[ Alan is good at words, regardless of the words outcome. They can hurt or they can heal. They can unlock a feeling or they can bury her in one. This particular feeling is one she wasn't aware had been buried inside until he brushed on it earlier. The idea that part of him will always remain in the Dark Place. Something of him will never come home and will always be out of reach.
Her head lowers so she can press her forehead into his good shoulder. She pulls back at him so he can't put space between them. ]
I've seen it wash you away. [ Jesse's voice is small, vulnerable, scared. She can't bring to her mind where she was at or what she was doing. She can't get the details to come to her from the endless cycles. Only what she saw happened to him. ] I saw it pull pieces of you away. Drown out parts that make you Alan Wake to make you someone else.
Nothing else is ever going to do that to you again. You can't let it--I won't let it.
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He nods. ] Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.
[ A low moan escapes him unbidden and unasked for when he feels her hand curling around the strands of his hair. Her touch has always left him rather weak at the knees, and it's no different now. Now he can truly feel it and feel the love and care behind it. Maybe that's the difference. In the Dark Place, he was drowning. He was lost. The waves were constantly trying to drag him away. Even in the loops, things were trying to pull him away from her.
There's none of that here. There's just her and him and her hands in his hair and her body pressed to his. ]
Oh, Jesse, I love you. [ He breathes those words into her neck as his agitation fades beneath her touch. ]
I'm sorry I'm always hurting you. Even when I don't mean to, I'm always hurting you. [ He simply states it as a fact, because that's what it is.
I've seen it wash you away.
He remembers a moment in the Dark Place, in the writer's room. He wasn't there alone; the Dark Presence was there because it's always there, but Jesse was there too. How? He doesn't remember specifics. He just knows she was there.
His free hand travels to his throat, fingers covering it as if he feels a cough forming. It's just a memory, as he's not coughing now, but something made him do it. Something in that room. Something evil. The darkness had been inside him, and then it left. Well, "left" is hardly an accurate description, but either way, Jesse saw it all happen. ]
It won't happen again. I won't let it. I'll fight. [ Somehow. I'll fight. It's not going to take me from her. ] I'm yours, and I'm staying with you. If it wants to try and take me, well- I won't let it.
We're going to stay together.
no subject
Now it is.
If she hadn't made the decision to only move at his pace? She would kiss him deeply and shift to bring together again. Instead, she kisses his neck and leans her cheek against it. ] Staying here is enough.
[ Her fingers uncurl from his hair to simply brush the strands down. He still smells faintly of dark oceans. ]
I love you.
[ The hand at his back moves down his arm and to settle at the elbow of the hand that goes to his throat. She gently massages the spot to try and comfort him. ]
That's how it was every time it came for you--wasn't it? That violent. Hurtful. Invasive. [ Her voice wavers with each word before the tremor returns in both hands. ] Stealing pieces of you away so you'd stop fighting. Stop writing. Let it take over and invade our world.
no subject
If it ever stops being enough, I want to know about it so that I can make it better. So I can make it enough.
[ His eyes close momentarily as she brushes the strands of his hair down. He feels comfort sweeping over him again. ]
I love you too. I love you more. Maybe. [ He huffs out a quiet laugh. If he knows her at all, it's not hard for him to guess that she loves him fiercely too. There's no one-upping each other when it comes to this, not that that's a goal on his mind.
But his eyes darken slightly as the faint memories of that time in the writer's room come back to him. He never put words to how it felt to have darkness choking him, erasing him, taking him away piece by piece. ]
It- [ He pauses, but he makes himself continue. This will help, right? Talking about it will help him process... Part of him recoils from the idea, but he keeps pushing forward anyway. ] It hurt. It was like being drowned and pulled apart all at the same time.
[ I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I- I was losing myself. ]
It did make me stop, I think. I don't know for how long, or when I started writing again, but I... [ His voice wavers and he falters.
I died. Maybe not literally, but it felt like a death. ]
But I didn't just let it have me; I tried to fight for as long as I could. As hard as I could. [ The rational part of his mind tells him that Jesse doesn't think he's weak, but he has to get this point across regardless. ] I tried to fight it, but it- it wore me down in the end.
[ Ram these words down your throat... make you choke on these words. These are my words. ]
But it didn't take over, did it? It hasn't invaded our world. It won't invade our world because- because we'll stop it. Somehow.
[ He knows he doesn't sound confident, but he can't imagine losing the fight and letting the Dark Presence take their world and everything and everyone in it. It's unthinkable, and he won't let it happen. ]
no subject
She smiles just a little. ] How would it never be enough? You've done everything else.
[ Her forehead presses into his shoulder. ] You might love me more. I might not... be able to know these things like normal people.
[ A quiet takes her as he describes what it was like. Her fingers brush through his hair once more to try and sooth him. Nothing can truly be done about what the Dark Presence has taken from him. All she can do is to reassure him that it can't happen any longer. ]
You did the best you could, Alan. Any of us would wear down after that long. Thirteen years. You kept it at bay that long. It may not feel like an achievement, but, it is. How many other people would have given up long before you did?
[ Jesse hates how her voice trembles. ] We have a monitoring site for that reason. I'm... hopefully Estevez and her team are still there while we're dealing with this.
[ A kiss to his cheek. ] Are you okay now?
no subject
Everything else, such as taking us out of the story, even though I put us back in later. I just don't want to hurt you anymore, so I promise I'll do my best to just be here.
[ He instinctively pulls her in closer in response to her admission. ] I don't need normal people. I just need you, and the love you're offering.
[ The love that is much more than I deserve.
His gaze focuses on her, and he knows she can most likely see the lingering pain in his eyes. What happened to him in the Dark Place may very well haunt him for years to come, but he has to put it behind him. He wants to put it behind him so he can fully walk into this new future with Jesse. There will probably be more bad days, but as long as the bad days don't outweigh the good ones, that's what matters.
He unconsciously leans more into her touch as if asking for more. It's all in his head, most likely, but he feels that terrible force pulling at him again even if it's just a memory. When he said that it hurt, he was understating it. It was most likely by design, to cause him to give up in order to end the hurt, but somehow he survived it. ]
I don't think I would have come out of it alive if you and Polaris hadn't helped me. You- you gave me something to hold onto even though the Dark Presence tried to tear it away. [ He lets out another sigh. ] I wouldn't have survived if I didn't have help. Hell, even Tim- Sheriff Breaker helped me along the way. I wonder where he is now. I wanted to get him out of the Dark Place too, but he kept insisting he still had to find out the truth.
[ His expression betrays the hint of guilt he still feels about that. Tim didn't want to leave, but Alan still hates the idea that he left him there. ]
Estevez seems like she knows what she's doing. She handled things by herself for a long time, didn't she? I bet she'll have it under control.
[ His lips turn up into a small smile, and a little of that haunted look in his eyes fades. It's not entirely gone, but some of the light has come back to his eyes. ]
Yeah. I'll be okay.
no subject
« He's home. None of it should matter still. Why... »
She still has the page he wrote that's them locked away in her desk. It should be in the Panopticon. An Altered Item. But, as with the deer chain, she can't do it. She can't give what's so personal to be locked away.
Her mouth opens to say something--anything--but nothing comes forward. She makes a note of Breaker; Saga had mentioned him before as well.
I'll be okay.
Water clouds her gaze and her head tilts away. The familar shake comes to her hands. The image returns to her mind. Standing underneath the streetlight. Seeing the red lights on the back of the car drive into the night with no intent of coming back soon. The knowledge that once dawn broke, nothing would remain to show Alan Wake had once returned home from the night. That he had come and gone. He was once again the missing author.
Except this time he left someone behind.
Her lower lip trembles. Face presses into his shoulder as she tries to lock it all away again. It doesn't matter now. He's home. Why does it cling to her? ]
I didn't want to let you go. [ Her voice is uneven and her tone quivering. ] I didn't want to be just a story. I wanted...
[ « I wanted him to be with me. I wanted to reach beside me and feel his hand in the room without a poster. » ]
no subject
[ She'll recognize his tone; it's deeper, with a veiled urgency in it. He doesn't move, doesn't pull away, because they need to be this close. ]
Are you okay? [ I can tell that she isn't. She's being the strong one, pushing it all down and trying to Jesse the Director, but it's spilling through. ]
I wish- I wish that I didn't have to leave you behind. I wish you could have come with me, but it was too dangerous. The Dark Place was and still is too dangerous. I didn't want to lose you.
[ He places his hand on top of her head, stroking her red hair as best as he can. ]
You're not just a story. We're not just a story. It's real now, and it's always going to be real.
[ Then, as if struck by a sudden inspiration, he removes his hand long enough to press a kiss to his palm and he places it back down on her head. ]
no subject
[ She pauses. ]
I'm okay.
[ Hands curl against him as her forehead presses further into his shoulder. "Okay" is a relative term and state of mind. She can function normally. Day to day, being the Director. Fighting against otherworldly forces that threaten their own. Sitting in meetings and doing paperwork. Those things are natural to her like breathing. She can do those regardless of anything else.
Entering her apartment and stopping at the door that led to the room set aside for him and hearing nothing? That was when "okay" took on another meaning. Knowing there was no one on the other side of the door typing away. Fingers would raise to the doorknob and slide over it. What was she point in opening it? It hadn't created something for him to anchor to. No connection was made between the two points.
It never brought Alan home.
A domino effect had gone into effect when she realized that one night. Sometime after the new year or around it. Her last idea to create a bridge point for Alan to find--hoping that some thin part of reality would exist so he could cross over by finding another Writer's Room waiting for him. Maybe he couldn't find it because it couldn't be created. Her role in the story was never to be the one to bring him home, even after the story ended. Polaris was there to amplify the Brightness, and she was there to use that to guide Saga and Alan to where they needed to be. A role cast by not Alan but another outside force. A person that could directly influence and guide things better than the person who put her in that role could be.
『 Faden was sensitive to visitations. She had them all the time. From her guiding star. And the previous director. She was the perfect receiver. As if she'd been made for this.. 』
A perfect receiver to pass along directions from the beyond. Directions and messages from someone that tried to reach Alan and couldn't.
"Okay" took on the meaning that she could still be the Director even if it felt like things that made her Jesse from Ordinary were taken away again. After all, what was the difference in seeing Alan drive off into the night from anything else? People disappearing because of the Not-Mother. Dylan going into coma after the Hiss Resonance was pushed out of him by Polaris. It was all the same shit over and over again.
Otherworldly forces taking things away no matter how powerful she became.
Jesse bites own on the inside of her cheek to keep herself in check as his palm rests on her head. She didn't see the motion but didn't need to in order to know what he did. ]
Everything's okay.
no subject
He doesn't hesitate in putting his arm around her when she presses her forehead further into his shoulder. ]
Jesse, how can I help? [ He can't see into her mind, but he doesn't need to. He can read things into how she moves and how she talks, and he can tell that she still carries some demons with her. Maybe it's the demons from Ordinary, but he thinks it's something else. Something more. Something caused by her involvement with him. ]
You don't have to always be okay, not around me. Not with me. You don't have to be the Director when you're with me, unless you want to be.
[ This time, he reaches for one of her hands, whichever one is closest, and he gives it a warm squeeze. She can probably feel the warmth in his hands and the callouses on his palms and fingers from years of typing on typewriters. He rubs his fingers lightly against hers. ]
Tell me what's bothering you.
[ He's resolved to hear it and resolved to be a rock for her like she's been for him. She's been the strong one time and time again, and now it's his turn to be the strong one for her. ]
no subject
Her fingers slip between his with the offered warmth and security. The kiss to the top of her head hadn't gone unnoticed. Her head dips further into his shoulder, cheek brushing against his collarbone as if to curl further into his hold. Almost as if she curls enough then he really can protect her. ]
I don't want you upset about it. [ Her voice is barely over a whisper. ] It'll make you feel worse if I tell you.
[ Red hair falls to cover the side of her face that he could see. It's enough that he's holding her and finally here. She can work through the rest of it. ] Tell me how you got out. How you got back home. You found some way to do it.
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How many times has she had to listen to his frenzied rambles and seen him being washed out by dark waves? Too many times to count, he knows that. He'll never be able to repay the debt he owes her, but maybe he can begin to try by listening to her now. ]
I promise it won't upset me. I think- I think you need to talk about it, and it might help you if you do.
[ He shifts just a fraction to readjust but he doesn't stop holding her. ] How I got out...
[ He has to pause and think for a moment to remember exactly what he did. ]
Well, it was the basic formula of a script I'd written before, and I changed parts of it to fit with the story. With what I needed. I thought that I was close. I could feel it, I could feel home. The apartment. The city. Everything that I'd missed since- since I'd left.
But something went wrong. Maybe I was too confident, too wrapped up in the thought of going home. I was writing as I always did, and then I saw the apartment for just a second. But it wasn't the apartment. I don't understand how it happened, but it was like the walls fell away and I just saw a lamp overhead and a generator. It wasn't the apartment. It was here.
[ He pauses for a moment and then he adds: ] As long as you're here, I'm home.
no subject
Fingers slide against his. The motion is one she thought would be one she could never do again. She knows she held the hand of another Alan like this at one point. It wasn't the same as holding his hand.
Jesse closes her eyes. The words are never vocalized, but he can possibly feel her mouth the words: She was right afterall.
« Only Alan can bring himself home. No one else. That's what Alice said. We could help, but, he had to be the one to pull himself the rest the way. » ]
So, you either got home and the Entity pulled you here. Or, it made you think you were home and never were. [ She pauses. ] The Buearu was just invaded by the Fog. No warning. No following us from another dimension. It just... opened the door itself.
[ « What if us being here is what brought Alan? » ]
... I worried that you might find your way home and I wasn't there. Because of this. Guess we don't really need to worry about that now.
no subject
I won't let that happen. We've gone through too much to just give up now. I can't give up, but how can I make her believe me? How can I make her trust me when she has every reason to not trust me? How many times have I hurt her and let her down?
He refuses to let even a shred of doubt show in his eyes. She needs to see that he believes in himself and in his ability to keep it together even in the face of the worst things imaginable. He's lived through those, hasn't he? She has too, which makes them similar, if not the same. ]
Jesse- you were right, and I was wrong for how I went about it. I thought I was doing the right thing, and I thought I knew how I could make the story end.
I- [ He forces himself to keep looking at her, not allowing himself to look down or to the side. He needs to be strong now. ] I hurt you. I put you through hell, and you've already been there. I know I caused you hurt, but now- now I'm here, and I want to help you. Let me share it, Jesse, or carry all of it, if you'll let me. Please.
[ As for her theories, he simply sighs. He doesn't really know anything specific, just relying on suppositions and guesses. ]
Either one of those could be true, really. Was it like the Hiss coming all over again?
[ Insidious. Sneaky. Deceptive. Maybe there's a connection between the Hiss and the Fog. The Dark Presence too. They do seem to operate in similar ways. ]
If that happened, I'd just wait for you, as long as it took. I'd wait forever if I had to.
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N-no, Alan, it's not...
[ Jesse inhales sharply.
How can she explain it? She can't even begin to put it in words. Words fail her. Action is what she does. Give her the gun, point to a mess, she can clean it up. Ask her to explain her thoughts, feelings, memories? Everything walls up like a dam.
Her gaze drops once more. ] Everything I tried to bring you home ... failed. I couldn't--I wasn't the hero you wanted me to be in the story. I couldn't be if it was going to end. I wasn't there to be the hero. I wasn't there to solve the AWE and bring you home. I was...
[ « A side character. A minor role. Someone the editor wanted to be larger, but couldnt be because the story was about Alan. Saga. Brighr Falls. I didn't have a place there. Just... the Director of the Federal Bureau of Control. »
Her shoulders curl and her expression shifts to that of hee walls trying to come up and protect her. Natural defenses. ]
Not even the keychain helped you come home. Or the room set up for you. None of it worked. I couldn't even help after "Return" ended. Just... there to clean up the mess. For Polaris to help guide you and Saga for what you needed.
[ She frowns then, angry at herself for feeling the way she does. ] Like you said. It doesn't matter now. You're back from the Dark.
[ « I just need to get over it. » ]
no subject
No, what he kept thinking about in his darker moments was coming home to her, coming home to the apartment that was going to be theirs. That is theirs. His memories might be scattered and occasionally unreliable, but he remembers the keychain and the link to the apartment. It frustrates him that he wasn't able to find his way back to her, or reach her from the Dark Place, using the methods they'd tried before. Had he gone too deep? Could she not hear him anymore? Could he not hear her? He didn't know the answer, but it seemed as though he was on his own this time.
He hated it, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. He just didn't want her thinking that he didn't care enough to try. ]
Jesse, stop. So what we wanted didn't work; I couldn't make you the story's hero, but I don't care about that. The story doesn't matter, because to me, you're still the hero. You still saved me. I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without you. And you know what else? The whole time- [ Well, most of the time, when he wasn't being driven mad by the darkness. ] I was thinking about you. I was thinking about you and about how it would feel to finally come home to you.
[ She's absolutely not a side character in Alan's eyes. She's the hero, the savior, the most important character, and nothing will ever change his mind.
His other hand slides to rest on her shoulder when he sees them start to curl. ]
I know, and I'm sorry. I hoped- I wanted to use them to come back to you. To find you again. But even then, all I did was think about you. I- I talked to you a lot, even if you couldn't hear me.
[ He smiles at her, a wide but gentle one, to show that he never stopped believing in her. ]
So, Jesse, you were helping me all along. I don't want you saying you weren't.
[ And then he leans in to press a deep, loving kiss to her cheek. ]
no subject
« He could connect to Alice. He got back to the apartment. How else could Scratch have done it? Alice didn't understand that she was bringing him home again and again. She didn't understand so the Buearu couldn't help.
If she could do it, what did I do so wrong that I couldn't? Why am I SO bad with relationships and others that I... »
Jesse's eyes dart to the side and narrow as water builds in them. She knows the answer and won't even say it to her oldest friend. Trust. Belief. She doesn't have those in people when it comes to the topic of herself. How could she ever bring Alan home when the fear and almost expectation in the back of her mind is that he'll walk away? Everyone else turned their back on the poster pulled from the wall. Why would Alan stay once he was free of the Dark Place?
How could I ever bring him home if I thought the moment he got back he'd leave? Why can't I just believe everything he says? Why am I not--I can't be as good at this as Alice was.
Her piercing green eyes dart back to his. "Stop it," he said. A tremor comes to her hands as the frown deepens more, water bluring her vision. How can she stop feeling this way? She can't. She gave control of the whole situation up to him and Saga. Saga got her ending. Alice got the ending of having saved Alan from his spiraling self destructive loops. Jesse feels as if she had her ending thrown away because she let it be thrown away. She let go of control and her demands and could never get it back.
« I spent a those years feeling this way. I was never going to feel this again. I told myself it would be different. "So what we want didn't work." He actually said that. »
Jesse forces herself to look down as the tears begin to escape. Frustration, anger, and hurt all directed at herself. Criticism at her own inaction. The feeling of being inadequet as a parter and being unable to do for him what his wife could.
« I don't want him to see this side of me. » ]
You hoped they would and they couldn't. They weren't enough. [ The tone is bitter and biting, but directed at herself. Her own failings not his. ] You talked to me and Polaris couldn't tell me. The Hotline couldn't connect. They weren't enough to get you out.
[ His kiss causes the tears to slip down her cheeks. Her eyebrows knit together. ] You helped yourself, you got yourself out. Saga helped you... Alice helped you. It would of gone the same if I hadn't been there.
You--you couldn't even hear us in the end. I tired so damn hard to reach you--and it never did. None of my messages, none of my directions. It only worked because I pulled back. Polaris pulled back. It worked because I let you go.
[ Her shaking hands come up to brush her tears away and barely manage that. ]
no subject
Is this the consequence of going with what the story said and being my own hero? At least, as far as saving myself is concerned? Are Jesse and I just going to have this elephant in the room with no idea how to get rid of it?
His free hand clenches in frustration. He's not as action oriented as Jesse is, but he hates this feeling. He hates feeling boxed in, and boxed in is exactly how he feels right now.
I'm sure we can figure this out, but I don't know how yet, or what we can do to get us there. Running isn't the answer, not that I would anyway. Maybe the me from thirteen years ago would have, but I'm not doing that now. I just don't know what I'm doing.
His inner dialogue ceases the moment she starts speaking again, but that boxed in feeling doesn't go away. ]
So what do you want us to do now? What do you want me to do? You know I'll do anything you want, I just- I don't know what that is.
[ Well, he knows he wants to move past this and actually start to live but it seems that they need to address that elephant before anything else can happen. ]
You let me go then, but I'm right here now. [ Does that count for anything?
He moves his hand from her hair to brush her tears away too, brushing against her hand in the process, perhaps intentionally. ]
I want to help, but I don't know how. What can I do? [ This can't be fixed with just kisses and hugs. She needs more. ]
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The tug at the frown on her face is obvious. ]
I want to go home. [ Jesse's voice is small and quiet. A form of vulnerability he may have never seen or remember seeing. ] I want to be with you at home. Like we talked about. I want all of this behind us... to just... move on.
[ But the feeling simply won't let go of her yet. It's reminders of Ordinary, of Dylan, of everything she considered her failures as a child. Failures she wasn't supposed to repeat as an adult--as the Director. Yet, she let a man rush back into the dimensional hellhole he was in. She let everything she shouldn't have--in love with him or not--happen. The feeling of failure as Jesse and as the Director simply won't let go of her.
Possibly because she's never allowed it to leave her.
Her hand clings to his before lowering once more to his shoulder. Maybe, for the first time, it's safe to allow everything to come out. Alan has shared enough of himself with her. She should open up to him as he did for her... but how? She isn't sure how to begin letting someone in like that. Hands curl back around him and she hides her face in his skin once more. ]
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Then we'll go home together. The Dark Presence, the Entity- they won't stop me from going home with you. We'll go home, we'll put all this behind us, and we'll have that life that we talked about. We'll make it real.
[ He has to admit that he's unsure of what's at the root of all this. Oh, he has his guesses, and he figures a lot of it has to do with baggage from her past. Past baggage seems to be one of a few things they have in common, but he wants to do something to help Jesse put down that baggage and be rid of it for good.
He squeezes her hand before she moves her hand and curls both hands around him again. ]
Do you trust me? [ He figures that's a hard one for her, and maybe she doesn't, or maybe she just has her misgivings, and he couldn't ever blame her for that. ]
no subject
Tears eventually stop as her face is pressed into his neck. Her breathing unsteady from her outburst. Jesse feels the need to lock it all down once more. Hide it all. Carry on as she always has. Then, he asks that simple question. Everything inside her curls up. Her head tilts, hands pressed into his skin. Her fingers may leave prints into his back with the pressure she's given them. ]
Yes. [ Her answer is quick, to the point. ] Maybe more than you think I should.
[ Jesse went through an almost endless amount of loops for him. Threw away her ability to control a situation for him. Traveled to another dimension, continued to try and reach out. How could that not be some form of trust? ]
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At least, that's his understanding of things. He could be wrong, and there could be a lot more to it than that, but he saw how she reacted when he made decisions about the story and her role in it. This seems to be a lot worse than that; she seems unable to process it and move on from it, and he's unsure how to help with that other than by simply staying with her.
She presses her face into his neck, and as always, he's quick to pull her in, placing his arms protectively around her. He loves her when she's strong and when she isn't, and he'll do everything he can to ease her worries, however he can.
If touching him helps her, if his presence helps her, then he'll be quick to offer both, always. ]
Why would I think that? I- I want to be someone you can trust, someone you can rely on, because for so long... for too long, you couldn't do either, could you? Not really. The story wouldn't let it happen.
[ He'll never forget what she's done for him, or how much she's done for him. It could take a lifetime for him to pay her back, and that still might not be enough time, but he's going to try his hardest to do just that. ]
The story's over now. I'll be someone you can rely on, Jesse.
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Not her.
She sinks into his arms as they wrap around her. A hand raises and gently rests at the base of the injured shoulder blade. Tips of her fingers trace along the bone in hopes to be comforting. ]
You always said I shouldn't. [ Her eyes close again to nestle closer to him. His breathing is normal, not panicked or anxious. ] I always knew you'd come home somehow. I just... thought I'd be the hero you wanted me to be.
[ Her eyes shut as she pulls herself closer. ] I just want you here.
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He shifts suddenly when he feels her hand gently rest at the base of his shoulder blade, not from discomfort but from a want to be touched by her. Anywhere. Everywhere. Her touch always comforts him, but he wasn't always able to show it. Now, there's nothing stopping him from showing it. He visibly relaxes under her touch, and he smiles warmly for her. ]
That wasn't me talking. It- it might have come from me, but I think that the darkness made it worse. It wanted me to think that I wasn't worth trusting, that if you trusted me, I'd only let you down.
[ Maybe that's the key here. Maybe he just needs to show that he can be trusted, that he can be someone to rely on. And Jesse... It seems to Alan that she needs someone that she can rely on when she isn't feeling strong. Alan wants to be that someone for her. ]
I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I promise.
[ He reaches for the hand that she placed at the base of his shoulder blade and carefully lifts it so he might brush a kiss against it. ]
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« The darkness, but not him. Why did it feel like it was Alan really saying it? That it was how he felt at the time. Is this how it's going to be now? Constantly wondering what was Alan and what wasn't? »
Fingers continue to brush along his shoulder blade even as her own shoulders curl. A part of her doesn't want to hear the promise in case something happens. Something goes wrong and he's pulled away by some force she can't combat against. The Entity isn't something she's worried about, as that's just the nature of this dimension. What she worries about is the other things she can't protect him from. Monsters in his head manifesting in their real life.
Her fingers curl around his hand at this kiss. A sound breaks through her defenses as she rolls entirely into him. He's so damn good at using words and gestures to break through defenses she's had for years.
« I probably look pathetic to him. The Director of the Federal Bureau of Control goes to pieces at the slightest hint of affection... I'm screwed up. None of this should bother me like it does. Why does it? »
Polaris shimmers around her.
Jesse sighs. She hates that answer. It's who you are doesn't feel like it helps at all. It doesn't help Alan. ]
...is there anything else you said that wasn't the real you?
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