synthneon | dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

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dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

DEAD OF NIGHT

Carve the secrets from your bruised still heart.

Shape my story, tear every page apart
Inside this room, you left your mark
I burn away the shadows, I strike a spark CODE BY TESSISAMESS

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[ Jesse finds herself in love with not just who he is--but who he can be. He so rarely sees who he can be. He lacks that confidence to always put forward even though it's right in the palm of his hands. Maybe now that he's home he can realize it. It may take time. As long as he can build enough of that confidence back up in order to do what he wants to do. Whatever that might be.

She smiles just a little. ] How would it never be enough? You've done everything else.

[ Her forehead presses into his shoulder. ] You might love me more. I might not... be able to know these things like normal people.

[ A quiet takes her as he describes what it was like. Her fingers brush through his hair once more to try and sooth him. Nothing can truly be done about what the Dark Presence has taken from him. All she can do is to reassure him that it can't happen any longer. ]

You did the best you could, Alan. Any of us would wear down after that long. Thirteen years. You kept it at bay that long. It may not feel like an achievement, but, it is. How many other people would have given up long before you did?

[ Jesse hates how her voice trembles. ] We have a monitoring site for that reason. I'm... hopefully Estevez and her team are still there while we're dealing with this.

[ A kiss to his cheek. ] Are you okay now?

[ The truth is, he doesn't see that he can be much of anything. He might be able to find a place writing scripts for Night Springs, but as far as he can tell, his best days are already far behind him. If all that his future involves is being there for Jesse and with her, well, that's good enough for him. Actually, if that's his future, that's a really good one in his book. Maybe he'll never get back the good days from early in his writing career, but he doesn't need them anyway. He has everything he needs with her. ]

Everything else, such as taking us out of the story, even though I put us back in later. I just don't want to hurt you anymore, so I promise I'll do my best to just be here.

[ He instinctively pulls her in closer in response to her admission. ] I don't need normal people. I just need you, and the love you're offering.

[ The love that is much more than I deserve.

His gaze focuses on her, and he knows she can most likely see the lingering pain in his eyes. What happened to him in the Dark Place may very well haunt him for years to come, but he has to put it behind him. He wants to put it behind him so he can fully walk into this new future with Jesse. There will probably be more bad days, but as long as the bad days don't outweigh the good ones, that's what matters.

He unconsciously leans more into her touch as if asking for more. It's all in his head, most likely, but he feels that terrible force pulling at him again even if it's just a memory. When he said that it hurt, he was understating it. It was most likely by design, to cause him to give up in order to end the hurt, but somehow he survived it. ]

I don't think I would have come out of it alive if you and Polaris hadn't helped me. You- you gave me something to hold onto even though the Dark Presence tried to tear it away. [ He lets out another sigh. ] I wouldn't have survived if I didn't have help. Hell, even Tim- Sheriff Breaker helped me along the way. I wonder where he is now. I wanted to get him out of the Dark Place too, but he kept insisting he still had to find out the truth.

[ His expression betrays the hint of guilt he still feels about that. Tim didn't want to leave, but Alan still hates the idea that he left him there. ]

Estevez seems like she knows what she's doing. She handled things by herself for a long time, didn't she? I bet she'll have it under control.

[ His lips turn up into a small smile, and a little of that haunted look in his eyes fades. It's not entirely gone, but some of the light has come back to his eyes. ]

Yeah. I'll be okay.

[ Jesse falls silent once more. Fingers curl slightly into his hair and skin. Her heart gives a painful beat. She has her own things that must be resolved with "Return", even a year and more later. The raw feeling inside remains even if she pushes it down further and further inside her.

« He's home. None of it should matter still. Why... »

She still has the page he wrote that's them locked away in her desk. It should be in the Panopticon. An Altered Item. But, as with the deer chain, she can't do it. She can't give what's so personal to be locked away.

Her mouth opens to say something--anything--but nothing comes forward. She makes a note of Breaker; Saga had mentioned him before as well.

I'll be okay.

Water clouds her gaze and her head tilts away. The familar shake comes to her hands. The image returns to her mind. Standing underneath the streetlight. Seeing the red lights on the back of the car drive into the night with no intent of coming back soon. The knowledge that once dawn broke, nothing would remain to show Alan Wake had once returned home from the night. That he had come and gone. He was once again the missing author.

Except this time he left someone behind.

Her lower lip trembles. Face presses into his shoulder as she tries to lock it all away again. It doesn't matter now. He's home. Why does it cling to her? ]

I didn't want to let you go. [ Her voice is uneven and her tone quivering. ] I didn't want to be just a story. I wanted...

[ « I wanted him to be with me. I wanted to reach beside me and feel his hand in the room without a poster. » ]

Edited 2024-03-19 20:47 (UTC)

Jesse.

[ She'll recognize his tone; it's deeper, with a veiled urgency in it. He doesn't move, doesn't pull away, because they need to be this close. ]

Are you okay? [ I can tell that she isn't. She's being the strong one, pushing it all down and trying to Jesse the Director, but it's spilling through. ]

I wish- I wish that I didn't have to leave you behind. I wish you could have come with me, but it was too dangerous. The Dark Place was and still is too dangerous. I didn't want to lose you.

[ He places his hand on top of her head, stroking her red hair as best as he can. ]

You're not just a story. We're not just a story. It's real now, and it's always going to be real.

[ Then, as if struck by a sudden inspiration, he removes his hand long enough to press a kiss to his palm and he places it back down on her head. ]

Yeah.

[ She pauses. ]

I'm okay.

[ Hands curl against him as her forehead presses further into his shoulder. "Okay" is a relative term and state of mind. She can function normally. Day to day, being the Director. Fighting against otherworldly forces that threaten their own. Sitting in meetings and doing paperwork. Those things are natural to her like breathing. She can do those regardless of anything else.

Entering her apartment and stopping at the door that led to the room set aside for him and hearing nothing? That was when "okay" took on another meaning. Knowing there was no one on the other side of the door typing away. Fingers would raise to the doorknob and slide over it. What was she point in opening it? It hadn't created something for him to anchor to. No connection was made between the two points.

It never brought Alan home.

A domino effect had gone into effect when she realized that one night. Sometime after the new year or around it. Her last idea to create a bridge point for Alan to find--hoping that some thin part of reality would exist so he could cross over by finding another Writer's Room waiting for him. Maybe he couldn't find it because it couldn't be created. Her role in the story was never to be the one to bring him home, even after the story ended. Polaris was there to amplify the Brightness, and she was there to use that to guide Saga and Alan to where they needed to be. A role cast by not Alan but another outside force. A person that could directly influence and guide things better than the person who put her in that role could be.

『 Faden was sensitive to visitations. She had them all the time. From her guiding star. And the previous director. She was the perfect receiver. As if she'd been made for this.. 』

A perfect receiver to pass along directions from the beyond. Directions and messages from someone that tried to reach Alan and couldn't.

"Okay" took on the meaning that she could still be the Director even if it felt like things that made her Jesse from Ordinary were taken away again. After all, what was the difference in seeing Alan drive off into the night from anything else? People disappearing because of the Not-Mother. Dylan going into coma after the Hiss Resonance was pushed out of him by Polaris. It was all the same shit over and over again.

Otherworldly forces taking things away no matter how powerful she became.

Jesse bites own on the inside of her cheek to keep herself in check as his palm rests on her head. She didn't see the motion but didn't need to in order to know what he did. ]

Everything's okay.

[ I wonder if she'll ever realize she doesn't have to always wear that brave face. But maybe that's just her thing. We both have our problems, our hangups. I guess all I can do is just be supportive and there for her when she needs me to be, and hope that that's enough.

He doesn't hesitate in putting his arm around her when she presses her forehead further into his shoulder. ]

Jesse, how can I help? [ He can't see into her mind, but he doesn't need to. He can read things into how she moves and how she talks, and he can tell that she still carries some demons with her. Maybe it's the demons from Ordinary, but he thinks it's something else. Something more. Something caused by her involvement with him. ]

You don't have to always be okay, not around me. Not with me. You don't have to be the Director when you're with me, unless you want to be.

[ This time, he reaches for one of her hands, whichever one is closest, and he gives it a warm squeeze. She can probably feel the warmth in his hands and the callouses on his palms and fingers from years of typing on typewriters. He rubs his fingers lightly against hers. ]

Tell me what's bothering you.

[ He's resolved to hear it and resolved to be a rock for her like she's been for him. She's been the strong one time and time again, and now it's his turn to be the strong one for her. ]

[ « I can't tell him. He'll just be more upset that it took him so long to come home. I can't DO that to him. Just, pull yourself together, Jesse. He doesn't need to see it. »

Her fingers slip between his with the offered warmth and security. The kiss to the top of her head hadn't gone unnoticed. Her head dips further into his shoulder, cheek brushing against his collarbone as if to curl further into his hold. Almost as if she curls enough then he really can protect her. ]

I don't want you upset about it. [ Her voice is barely over a whisper. ] It'll make you feel worse if I tell you.

[ Red hair falls to cover the side of her face that he could see. It's enough that he's holding her and finally here. She can work through the rest of it. ] Tell me how you got out. How you got back home. You found some way to do it.

[ With how they're sitting and how he's holding her, he can't quite see her eyes and she probably can't see his even if she wasn't dipping her head into his shoulder and curling more into his hold. But the look in his eyes is one of deep worry for her; he's not at all worried about himself and any upset he might feel at hearing whatever it is she has to say.

How many times has she had to listen to his frenzied rambles and seen him being washed out by dark waves? Too many times to count, he knows that. He'll never be able to repay the debt he owes her, but maybe he can begin to try by listening to her now. ]

I promise it won't upset me. I think- I think you need to talk about it, and it might help you if you do.

[ He shifts just a fraction to readjust but he doesn't stop holding her. ] How I got out...

[ He has to pause and think for a moment to remember exactly what he did. ]

Well, it was the basic formula of a script I'd written before, and I changed parts of it to fit with the story. With what I needed. I thought that I was close. I could feel it, I could feel home. The apartment. The city. Everything that I'd missed since- since I'd left.

But something went wrong. Maybe I was too confident, too wrapped up in the thought of going home. I was writing as I always did, and then I saw the apartment for just a second. But it wasn't the apartment. I don't understand how it happened, but it was like the walls fell away and I just saw a lamp overhead and a generator. It wasn't the apartment. It was here.

[ He pauses for a moment and then he adds: ] As long as you're here, I'm home.

[ Her eyes narrow at his promise. It's a promise someone can't make in her mind. Alan is an emotional person, not quite empathetic, but he feels deeply. He will be upset if she ever shows even the hint of how much the last struggle hurt her. He'll blame himself. Alan will internalise it as yet another thing he has make up for, when there is nothing he could have done.

Fingers slide against his. The motion is one she thought would be one she could never do again. She knows she held the hand of another Alan like this at one point. It wasn't the same as holding his hand.

Jesse closes her eyes. The words are never vocalized, but he can possibly feel her mouth the words: She was right afterall.

« Only Alan can bring himself home. No one else. That's what Alice said. We could help, but, he had to be the one to pull himself the rest the way. » ]

So, you either got home and the Entity pulled you here. Or, it made you think you were home and never were. [ She pauses. ] The Buearu was just invaded by the Fog. No warning. No following us from another dimension. It just... opened the door itself.

[ « What if us being here is what brought Alan? » ]

... I worried that you might find your way home and I wasn't there. Because of this. Guess we don't really need to worry about that now.

[ He doesn't need to hear her say that she doesn't believe him; he can see that she has reservations. It's not a lack of belief in him, although the darker parts of his mind are trying to convince him that she has no faith in him, no confidence in his ability to handle whatever she tells him. They're trying to drive him away from her, to amplify his doubts and worries by turning them into doubts about the strength of their relationship.

I won't let that happen. We've gone through too much to just give up now. I can't give up, but how can I make her believe me? How can I make her trust me when she has every reason to not trust me? How many times have I hurt her and let her down?

He refuses to let even a shred of doubt show in his eyes. She needs to see that he believes in himself and in his ability to keep it together even in the face of the worst things imaginable. He's lived through those, hasn't he? She has too, which makes them similar, if not the same. ]

Jesse- you were right, and I was wrong for how I went about it. I thought I was doing the right thing, and I thought I knew how I could make the story end.

I- [ He forces himself to keep looking at her, not allowing himself to look down or to the side. He needs to be strong now. ] I hurt you. I put you through hell, and you've already been there. I know I caused you hurt, but now- now I'm here, and I want to help you. Let me share it, Jesse, or carry all of it, if you'll let me. Please.

[ As for her theories, he simply sighs. He doesn't really know anything specific, just relying on suppositions and guesses. ]

Either one of those could be true, really. Was it like the Hiss coming all over again?

[ Insidious. Sneaky. Deceptive. Maybe there's a connection between the Hiss and the Fog. The Dark Presence too. They do seem to operate in similar ways. ]

If that happened, I'd just wait for you, as long as it took. I'd wait forever if I had to.

[ Her head moves as Alan directs it. Green eyes raise moments later to his with an almost uncharacteristic hesitancy. No fear is in her gaze. Only an incredible amount of vulnerability she is desperately attempting to manage and lock away again. Except, Alan Wake knows how to pull those emotions from her with just a few words. Almost as if he can wave his hand and magic happens. ]

N-no, Alan, it's not...

[ Jesse inhales sharply.

How can she explain it? She can't even begin to put it in words. Words fail her. Action is what she does. Give her the gun, point to a mess, she can clean it up. Ask her to explain her thoughts, feelings, memories? Everything walls up like a dam.

Her gaze drops once more. ] Everything I tried to bring you home ... failed. I couldn't--I wasn't the hero you wanted me to be in the story. I couldn't be if it was going to end. I wasn't there to be the hero. I wasn't there to solve the AWE and bring you home. I was...

[ « A side character. A minor role. Someone the editor wanted to be larger, but couldnt be because the story was about Alan. Saga. Brighr Falls. I didn't have a place there. Just... the Director of the Federal Bureau of Control. »

Her shoulders curl and her expression shifts to that of hee walls trying to come up and protect her. Natural defenses. ]

Not even the keychain helped you come home. Or the room set up for you. None of it worked. I couldn't even help after "Return" ended. Just... there to clean up the mess. For Polaris to help guide you and Saga for what you needed.

[ She frowns then, angry at herself for feeling the way she does. ] Like you said. It doesn't matter now. You're back from the Dark.

[ « I just need to get over it. » ]

[ Alan's touch is gentle as he directs her to look at him, his fingers curling lightly into the strands of red hair that he loves so much. He's not sure how he can convince her that she's no less of a hero in his eyes even though the story forced their hands and forced them into roles they didn't want. She saved him in all the ways that mattered. She gave him a reason to keep going when it felt like he had no reason or will to continue the fight.

No, what he kept thinking about in his darker moments was coming home to her, coming home to the apartment that was going to be theirs. That is theirs. His memories might be scattered and occasionally unreliable, but he remembers the keychain and the link to the apartment. It frustrates him that he wasn't able to find his way back to her, or reach her from the Dark Place, using the methods they'd tried before. Had he gone too deep? Could she not hear him anymore? Could he not hear her? He didn't know the answer, but it seemed as though he was on his own this time.

He hated it, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. He just didn't want her thinking that he didn't care enough to try. ]

Jesse, stop. So what we wanted didn't work; I couldn't make you the story's hero, but I don't care about that. The story doesn't matter, because to me, you're still the hero. You still saved me. I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without you. And you know what else? The whole time- [ Well, most of the time, when he wasn't being driven mad by the darkness. ] I was thinking about you. I was thinking about you and about how it would feel to finally come home to you.

[ She's absolutely not a side character in Alan's eyes. She's the hero, the savior, the most important character, and nothing will ever change his mind.

His other hand slides to rest on her shoulder when he sees them start to curl. ]

I know, and I'm sorry. I hoped- I wanted to use them to come back to you. To find you again. But even then, all I did was think about you. I- I talked to you a lot, even if you couldn't hear me.

[ He smiles at her, a wide but gentle one, to show that he never stopped believing in her. ]

So, Jesse, you were helping me all along. I don't want you saying you weren't.

[ And then he leans in to press a deep, loving kiss to her cheek. ]

[ A gentle blink of her eyes as his hands brush into her loosened hair. Her heart gives a powerful beat. She loves him so damn much, and that's why all of this is so much worse in her mind. All of this power and control she has amassed--even if she never asked for it--and she still can't bring the ones she loves home. She can do everything else a Director needs for the job title. Jesse felt in control until the rug was pulled from under her. It feels like Ordinary all over again. The Buearu taking her brother away with no way for her to stop them. Except this time it's another dimension that Alan willing re-entered. All her power and control meant nothing ... and she still couldn't beacon him home after it.

« He could connect to Alice. He got back to the apartment. How else could Scratch have done it? Alice didn't understand that she was bringing him home again and again. She didn't understand so the Buearu couldn't help.

If she could do it, what did I do so wrong that I couldn't? Why am I SO bad with relationships and others that I... »

Jesse's eyes dart to the side and narrow as water builds in them. She knows the answer and won't even say it to her oldest friend. Trust. Belief. She doesn't have those in people when it comes to the topic of herself. How could she ever bring Alan home when the fear and almost expectation in the back of her mind is that he'll walk away? Everyone else turned their back on the poster pulled from the wall. Why would Alan stay once he was free of the Dark Place?

How could I ever bring him home if I thought the moment he got back he'd leave? Why can't I just believe everything he says? Why am I not--I can't be as good at this as Alice was.

Her piercing green eyes dart back to his. "Stop it," he said. A tremor comes to her hands as the frown deepens more, water bluring her vision. How can she stop feeling this way? She can't. She gave control of the whole situation up to him and Saga. Saga got her ending. Alice got the ending of having saved Alan from his spiraling self destructive loops. Jesse feels as if she had her ending thrown away because she let it be thrown away. She let go of control and her demands and could never get it back.

« I spent a those years feeling this way. I was never going to feel this again. I told myself it would be different. "So what we want didn't work." He actually said that. »

Jesse forces herself to look down as the tears begin to escape. Frustration, anger, and hurt all directed at herself. Criticism at her own inaction. The feeling of being inadequet as a parter and being unable to do for him what his wife could.

« I don't want him to see this side of me. » ]

You hoped they would and they couldn't. They weren't enough. [ The tone is bitter and biting, but directed at herself. Her own failings not his. ] You talked to me and Polaris couldn't tell me. The Hotline couldn't connect. They weren't enough to get you out.

[ His kiss causes the tears to slip down her cheeks. Her eyebrows knit together. ] You helped yourself, you got yourself out. Saga helped you... Alice helped you. It would of gone the same if I hadn't been there.

You--you couldn't even hear us in the end. I tired so damn hard to reach you--and it never did. None of my messages, none of my directions. It only worked because I pulled back. Polaris pulled back. It worked because I let you go.

[ Her shaking hands come up to brush her tears away and barely manage that. ]

[ He doesn't stop brushing her hair and curling his fingers into the strands, but he doesn't say anything when he notes hwo she seems to be lost in thought herself. He's become decent at reading her and deciphering what's going on beneath the surface, but this time, he doesn't like it, because he doesn't know what to do. Even his reassurances don't seem to be doing much of anything, and so he's left wondering what exactly he should do here.

Is this the consequence of going with what the story said and being my own hero? At least, as far as saving myself is concerned? Are Jesse and I just going to have this elephant in the room with no idea how to get rid of it?

His free hand clenches in frustration. He's not as action oriented as Jesse is, but he hates this feeling. He hates feeling boxed in, and boxed in is exactly how he feels right now.

I'm sure we can figure this out, but I don't know how yet, or what we can do to get us there. Running isn't the answer, not that I would anyway. Maybe the me from thirteen years ago would have, but I'm not doing that now. I just don't know what I'm doing.

His inner dialogue ceases the moment she starts speaking again, but that boxed in feeling doesn't go away. ]

So what do you want us to do now? What do you want me to do? You know I'll do anything you want, I just- I don't know what that is.

[ Well, he knows he wants to move past this and actually start to live but it seems that they need to address that elephant before anything else can happen. ]

You let me go then, but I'm right here now. [ Does that count for anything?

He moves his hand from her hair to brush her tears away too, brushing against her hand in the process, perhaps intentionally. ]

I want to help, but I don't know how. What can I do? [ This can't be fixed with just kisses and hugs. She needs more. ]

Edited 2024-03-25 03:12 (UTC)

[ Her head tilts into his hand, eyes closed, tears gently rolling down her face. There might be nothing to do to fix any of this. It could simply be a wound that must heal on it's own in natural time. Not that she would know much of what that's like. It feels like wounds never truly heal for her. A character flaw in what makes her more suited to be Director and a paranatural powerhouse as opposed to a partner.

The tug at the frown on her face is obvious. ]

I want to go home. [ Jesse's voice is small and quiet. A form of vulnerability he may have never seen or remember seeing. ] I want to be with you at home. Like we talked about. I want all of this behind us... to just... move on.

[ But the feeling simply won't let go of her yet. It's reminders of Ordinary, of Dylan, of everything she considered her failures as a child. Failures she wasn't supposed to repeat as an adult--as the Director. Yet, she let a man rush back into the dimensional hellhole he was in. She let everything she shouldn't have--in love with him or not--happen. The feeling of failure as Jesse and as the Director simply won't let go of her.

Possibly because she's never allowed it to leave her.

Her hand clings to his before lowering once more to his shoulder. Maybe, for the first time, it's safe to allow everything to come out. Alan has shared enough of himself with her. She should open up to him as he did for her... but how? She isn't sure how to begin letting someone in like that. Hands curl back around him and she hides her face in his skin once more. ]

[ He keeps up the brushing motion as her tears continue, determined to keep it up until he can reassure her that everything will be fine. They'll get through this, and they'll go home together, and now he knows he has to believe that and have no doubts that it will happen, so that she can believe it too. Maybe she's always believed it, and maybe that belief is starting to slip, but he can't let that happen. There's no room for him to doubt anything when it comes to her and their future together. ]

Then we'll go home together. The Dark Presence, the Entity- they won't stop me from going home with you. We'll go home, we'll put all this behind us, and we'll have that life that we talked about. We'll make it real.

[ He has to admit that he's unsure of what's at the root of all this. Oh, he has his guesses, and he figures a lot of it has to do with baggage from her past. Past baggage seems to be one of a few things they have in common, but he wants to do something to help Jesse put down that baggage and be rid of it for good.

He squeezes her hand before she moves her hand and curls both hands around him again. ]

Do you trust me? [ He figures that's a hard one for her, and maybe she doesn't, or maybe she just has her misgivings, and he couldn't ever blame her for that. ]

[ If it was a matter of belief slipping away it would be easier to deal with. No. It's simply the fact she feels powerless. Out of control. Everything is at the whims of something else and she can't do anything to fight back. Nothing can give her the space or place to make her own way in it when it comes to Alan Wake.

Tears eventually stop as her face is pressed into his neck. Her breathing unsteady from her outburst. Jesse feels the need to lock it all down once more. Hide it all. Carry on as she always has. Then, he asks that simple question. Everything inside her curls up. Her head tilts, hands pressed into his skin. Her fingers may leave prints into his back with the pressure she's given them. ]

Yes. [ Her answer is quick, to the point. ] Maybe more than you think I should.

[ Jesse went through an almost endless amount of loops for him. Threw away her ability to control a situation for him. Traveled to another dimension, continued to try and reach out. How could that not be some form of trust? ]

[ If Alan knew the exact details of the thoughts running through Jesse's mind and the way she still seems to be dragged down because of everything that happened, he'd tell her that now that he's home, he'll give her the space she needs and the place to make her way through it and in it, however that looks. Control was taken from her, and he wants to give it back. He knows how important being in control is for her, and of course he knows that it's more than just simply "being in control". It's about having her right to act a certain way and make certain choices, among other things, and she doesn't do well when her right to act how she wants is taken.

At least, that's his understanding of things. He could be wrong, and there could be a lot more to it than that, but he saw how she reacted when he made decisions about the story and her role in it. This seems to be a lot worse than that; she seems unable to process it and move on from it, and he's unsure how to help with that other than by simply staying with her.

She presses her face into his neck, and as always, he's quick to pull her in, placing his arms protectively around her. He loves her when she's strong and when she isn't, and he'll do everything he can to ease her worries, however he can.

If touching him helps her, if his presence helps her, then he'll be quick to offer both, always. ]

Why would I think that? I- I want to be someone you can trust, someone you can rely on, because for so long... for too long, you couldn't do either, could you? Not really. The story wouldn't let it happen.

[ He'll never forget what she's done for him, or how much she's done for him. It could take a lifetime for him to pay her back, and that still might not be enough time, but he's going to try his hardest to do just that. ]

The story's over now. I'll be someone you can rely on, Jesse.

[ Alan's understanding isn't far from wrong. He is a far better study of people than he would ever admit. That trait may have been another thing that attracted her to him further. Someone who can read her and know what she is thinking without her saying the words needed. Not that it erases the need entirely to talk and express herself. It just makes it easier. Alan is the one who can use words to express everything on his mind, no matter what the emotion or thought might be.

Not her.

She sinks into his arms as they wrap around her. A hand raises and gently rests at the base of the injured shoulder blade. Tips of her fingers trace along the bone in hopes to be comforting. ]

You always said I shouldn't. [ Her eyes close again to nestle closer to him. His breathing is normal, not panicked or anxious. ] I always knew you'd come home somehow. I just... thought I'd be the hero you wanted me to be.

[ Her eyes shut as she pulls herself closer. ] I just want you here.

Edited 2024-03-29 17:13 (UTC)

[ Maybe the reason that the two of them found each other isn't so that they could fix each other. Maybe the point of it all, the reason for it happening, was for two broken, messed up people to find each other and start the process of rebuilding together. That's an idea Alan could get behind. He might have rejected it before, but he isn't doing so now.

He shifts suddenly when he feels her hand gently rest at the base of his shoulder blade, not from discomfort but from a want to be touched by her. Anywhere. Everywhere. Her touch always comforts him, but he wasn't always able to show it. Now, there's nothing stopping him from showing it. He visibly relaxes under her touch, and he smiles warmly for her. ]

That wasn't me talking. It- it might have come from me, but I think that the darkness made it worse. It wanted me to think that I wasn't worth trusting, that if you trusted me, I'd only let you down.

[ Maybe that's the key here. Maybe he just needs to show that he can be trusted, that he can be someone to rely on. And Jesse... It seems to Alan that she needs someone that she can rely on when she isn't feeling strong. Alan wants to be that someone for her. ]

I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I promise.

[ He reaches for the hand that she placed at the base of his shoulder blade and carefully lifts it so he might brush a kiss against it. ]

[ Eyebrows come together at the comment. Fingers curl slightly more into him. Something about the commenf strikes her as odd, as if she is realizing maybe she never met the real Alan Wake at all. How much of it was him and how much of if was the Dark Place?

« The darkness, but not him. Why did it feel like it was Alan really saying it? That it was how he felt at the time. Is this how it's going to be now? Constantly wondering what was Alan and what wasn't? »

Fingers continue to brush along his shoulder blade even as her own shoulders curl. A part of her doesn't want to hear the promise in case something happens. Something goes wrong and he's pulled away by some force she can't combat against. The Entity isn't something she's worried about, as that's just the nature of this dimension. What she worries about is the other things she can't protect him from. Monsters in his head manifesting in their real life.

Her fingers curl around his hand at this kiss. A sound breaks through her defenses as she rolls entirely into him. He's so damn good at using words and gestures to break through defenses she's had for years.

« I probably look pathetic to him. The Director of the Federal Bureau of Control goes to pieces at the slightest hint of affection... I'm screwed up. None of this should bother me like it does. Why does it? »

Polaris shimmers around her.

Jesse sighs. She hates that answer. It's who you are doesn't feel like it helps at all. It doesn't help Alan. ]

...is there anything else you said that wasn't the real you?

What? Did I say the wrong thing? [ Again? I'm always doing that. Why am I always doing that?

He knows that look; it seems to be a look that she wears when she's with him, and he wonders if it's his fault. To him, the times they've been together have been enough to make his head spin when they're at their best. When they're at their worst, it's always because he's at his worst and he always manages to say something that hurts her.

I hate this. I can't pretend that that isn't the truth, but now... she might never trust me again, and why would she? It's not like I've ever given her a reason to. Now I've just given her more reasons not to trust me with anything.

He doesn't stop trying his best to comfort her, to try and put her at ease, but he feels the all too familiar pinpricks of doubt beginning to sting. I can't start to think like that. If I do, I won't be able to stop. Just focus on Jesse, on being there for her now, to make up for all the times I wasn't able to do that. Don't think about anything else. ]

I could pull the wool over your eyes, but I know you'd find out, and I'd- I'd never lie to you. The truth is, I don't know. I- I can't remember. [ He shakes his head. ]

There's no rhyme or reason to it; sometimes I remember things, or sometimes something makes me remember what I said. It's never when I want it to or when I need it to.

[ He frowns, clearly upset with himself. ]

I'm not making much of a convincing argument for myself, am I?

[ Jesse pulls herself together. Emotions are put in place. She raises her head to look up at him. Green eyes meet his gray ones as she studies him closely. His answer to her question is fair. She can't expect him to remember things properly in a dimension that operates on dream logic. Not after so long.

Her hands trail up to gently hold his face between then. They've done this before. Looking at one another intently to make sure who they are looking at is the one they love. She can remember the Dark wooden attic room. The two windows that go out to an endless dark sea. Him standing there in tweed and jeans. The memory still strikes a cord.

Seeing Alan for the first time as he should be. Floating with the waves and fighting the Dark Presence--but in the outfit he reached out to her in. The first person over the Hotline who wasn't dead. Just very far way in a dark place.

She rolls to her back, gently guiding him with her. Polaris' resonance rolls off her hands. A gentle frequency that would go unnoticed if Alan didn't know any better. Except he does. ]

Okay. [ She believes him. Trusts him. Maybe that will cause more trouble for her in the futur. ] We'll just have to wait and see.

[ Her fingers curl slightly against his beard. Eyes move over his face once more to take him in. Her writer returned from the night. It may not exactly be home... but it's as close as they'll be for now. Besides, there's no darkness clinging to his eyes or shadows playing across his face. He's Alan again. ]

I miss the tweed jacket. [ She tries to offer a joke in something that is the truth. Something tells her Alan wouldn't want to wear it again.] It fits you better than the brown suit.

[ He sees the walls closing again, sees the Director coming back to take control. Once, he would have thought of it as Jesse closing herself off from him, but he knows better now. The walls might be closing in, but she's not closing herself off from him. It's a nuanced thing that only Jesse would do, but he understands it now, and it doesn't mean he loves her any less. She's never loved him any less, even with all the hurt that he's caused her and all the baggage he brings along with him. How could he not love her, when she's never pulled back unless she had to? Unless he forced her hand?

Her hands move to hold his face, and his hands move to curl around her back, his grip tightening by just a fraction to signify how he never wants to let her go. He never wants to be unable to touch her or hold her, and now he knows without a doubt that he wouldn't hesitate to take action if something tried to get between them. A bullet between the eyes would get the message across loud and clear.

He keeps his gaze focused on hers, gray eyes searching green ones, searching her face, memorizing every detail. He's done this before, committing every detail that's her to his memory, but the darkness tried to wash the memory away. Now he won't let that happen. He's not drifting or drowning, he's there and present and there's a purpose to everything he does.

Even when she rolls onto her back and guides him to follow, he moves with resolve, with determination. ]

I'm trying to get it back. I'm trying to remember. [ It can't all be lost to the darkness. It has to still be in there somewhere.

It feels beyond important to him that he reclaim what was taken from him, but a part of him knows that it may be actually lost, no matter how resolved he is to get it back. Still, he won't stop trying. ]

You do? [ He shifts slightly, leaning into her hold; he's always liked it when she touches his beard. It's something he can't explain, but the sensation stirs up something inside him. ] I could probably find another one like it, and I'd wear it just for you. [ He huffs out a laugh. ]

Between you and me, I never liked that suit anyway. [ He feels as though he's told her that before, but it's just a vague sense of familiarity, so he says it again. ]

[ Jesse's shoulders curl subconsciously with a touch of pink to her cheeks. She's not used to being studied so closely. At least, not in the way Alan does. Plenty of psychiatrists and counselors looked at her with scrutiny and waiting for the one hint that gave her away. Alan more tries to see past her walls and layers, reaching to a certain part of her that she tries to protect. It never feels invasive or piercing. Inquisitive.

« I wonder if this is how all writers are. »

Her fingers curl under his chin before moving back down his jawline. Sleep threatens to tug at her. Not that she'll listen to the call just yet. A fear is still there that if she wakes up everything will have been a dream. Alan never found his way home and she's still in her apartment. Climbing out of bed and looking at the door to the room set aside for him. Realizing there's no typing sounds or shuffling of someone moving. Knowing that he is still dimensions away in a dark place that she can't reach. ]

It was what you were wearing when you reached out to me. The first time, on the Hotline. [ Jesse glances down, realizing the blush is still on her cheeks.

Whatever conversations they may have had about their initial encounter are lost to the spirals of the Dark Place. The version of "Return" that became reality didn't leave room for them to talk about things like that. It all worked off assumptions and previous forms of reality. Theoretically, it never should have worked. Yet, they both somehow remembered things they shouldn't. ]

You mentioned once that you weren't the same person who wore it. Maybe it's not a good idea to go back to it. [ Her eyes dart to the side with a small frown. Alan's changed since 2010, it'd be cruel to try and make him that same person. ] We'll find something here in the Oldest House for you... maybe add elbow patches just to make it feel like yours.

[ A quick glance of her eyes upwards to show she means it in jest. ] You said you wouldn't mind burning it... why did you wear it to begin with?

dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

DEAD OF NIGHT

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