dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

[outlierdirector]

DEAD OF NIGHT

Carve the secrets from your bruised still heart.

Shape my story, tear every page apart
Inside this room, you left your mark
I burn away the shadows, I strike a spark CODE BY TESSISAMESS

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[outlierdirector]

[ She feels that blush deepen and she bites down on the inside of her mouth to try and keep herself composed. This sort of thing is something she'll never be used to. It's not unwanted or even dismissed. Just, not what she's used to. This is something she's not used to. That was the point though, wasn't it? Alan was the first parautalitarian she met outside of Dylan. Trench was already dead and talking to her through the Hotline. The only other one she can think of that could maybe hold a conversation is Northmoore, and it's better if they not even talk about that.

« Who knows how that would turn out. Being stuck inside that container for decades? Hell, he could try to destroy the whole Bureau. And... Ahti isn't here to keep an eye on him. So, I guess I'll need to do that in the "morning." »

She tilts her head into his hand at her hair and closes her eyes. ]

Well, in years, it was a while ago. [ Jesse isn't sure she'll tell him just how long. She might of mentioned it once in one of the loops. ] You lucked out. The Hotline picked it up and Polaris didn't find it hostile. I think she's actually fond of you.

[ One eye opens part way with a small smirk. She can't really embarrass a interdimensional being made of resonance. ]

We don't have much at the Oldest House, but, you can probably find something you find comfortable in. We'll start there. Maybe you'll find something you even like. [ Or... not. That's possible. ] And, Alan. You don't need to thank me.

[ A small laugh comes from her at his reasoning. Not that it's a judgemental one, or even something of disbelief or mocking. The sound is almost harmonious and a tone that hints more at wholesome than anything. ]

You're not some other writer. You're Alan Wake... but, I get trying to fit in when you're never going to be able to be like everyone else. Maybe not in the same way you meant it. [ Jesse nods slightly, glancing to the side quickly at the self-admission. ] I'm not sure I ever saw you in an interview with a suit like that.

[crazyisinevitable]

[ Alan is the first person who would admit that his memory is scattered at best and completely unreliable at worst, but there are times when he has flashes of memories from times long ago. He's not really sure how long ago, although he's been told. He's been told numbers, dates, figures... but it feels different to him. The experience of it all feels different to him, because the Dark Place isn't linear. Time isn't linear there. They said it had been thirteen years since his disappearance, but it feels like much longer to Alan. How long? He can't be sure, but it feels a hell of a lot longer than just thirteen years.

But even though he can't quantify how long it's been in numbers, he can still remember something from what feels like the start of all this. Maybe it wasn't the start. Maybe it was years into it all. But it was the start of himself and Jesse as... as whatever they are. Two people who can make things happen. Two people who managed to find each other who have tried their best to hold onto each other through so many insane things.

It was a distress call. Faden sensed a drowning man.

The memory of it is faint now, and the words he typed even fainter, but he can still remember pieces of them. He wants to hold onto those memories, because they're important. They'll always be important. ]

A while ago. A long while ago, now. [ He might not have an exact number, but he knows it hasn't been a short period of time. ] Was it luck or something else? Was something guiding me along the way, as trite as that is? I've never considered myself lucky, not even when good things happened to me sometimes. [ Good things like meeting Alice and Jesse. I didn't deserve either of them. I don't deserve Jesse. ]

Fond of me, or does she just think I'm weird?

[ It's an attempt at self-deprecating humor, because even now, it's hard for him to imagine anyone being fond of him, not even an interdimensional resonance being like Polaris. ]

I don't think I can be picky right now, considering where we are and what we've gotten dragged into. [ He knows he probably shouldn't tell her outright that his comfort should be the least of their worries, but the thought has already formed in his mind. ] I'm fine with what I have. And I definitely do need to thank you. A lot.

[ He resists the urge to roll his eyes; not at her, but at the sentiment behind being Alan Wake. What the hell does that mean anymore? Who am I, anyway? Washed up, damaged goods, second-rate writer, murderer- Stop it. ]

Sorry, but- What does being Alan Wake mean anymore? [ He's shaking his head and he can't seem to stop himself. ] Everything that I did from before... the books, the movies that I obviously didn't have a hand in- that's from another time. From someone else. [ The world moved on without him, as it should have, but it's left him feeling like he has no place in it other than what he has with Jesse. ]

No, you wouldn't have, because- because I never wore anything like this before. I think it drove Barry nuts, because I just threw on whatever I felt like for interviews, talk shows, whatever. I think part of him understood because I mean... can you imagine Barry in a suit? Sorry, you probably can't. I mean, you don't know Barry. Maybe you'll get to meet him sometime. But a hoodie and jeans isn't what most people throw on when they're doing a televised interview, right?

[outlierdirector]

[ Jesse falls quiet once more. Green eyes fall from his, staring at gap between them where she can see the bed. She can remember the Hotline messages just as much as she can anything from Trench. Even the ones from Marshal. Should she remember them? How weird is it that she can remember them but he can't, when he is the one that reached out to her?

He doesn't need to roll his eyes for her to catch the tone in his voice. The thanks he gives doesn't go unnoticed despite what one might think by her silence. She is far from withdrawn, simply chosing to remain silent as nothing she could say would really give him answers anyways.

What does being Alan Wake mean anymore?

It sounds very close to Who is Alan Wake?

Her gaze lowers further. Alan, at his core, has always been the same to her no matter how many times around in loops and the spiral went. Afraid, but still finding that determination and courage to push forward despite it. A little sarcastic, and sometimes an asshole. Someone who cares about the people around him--regardless if he knows them--and wanting to protect them from himself and the dangers attached to him. Someone so incredibly human when she feels the opposite of herself. He is an author with an paranormal ability, and that may have been what her attention first, but it's not the only thing about him.

She also knows saying any of it won't matter. Alan doesn't feel like himself because he can't see it past everything he's lived through in the Dark Place. He doesn't remember things she does. Being told is one thing, but knowing and remembering is another.

A small inhale can be heard as hee gaze further burrows into the small place she can see for the bed. He thanks her for all her help, but it never seems like she can help him on the things that he needs to recover.

« Here, in the spiral. It doesn't really matter the when or the where. » ]

Barry Wheeler, your agent and best friend. [ Jesse realizes how quiet her voice is. How she sounds factual. ] He moved to Hollywood when they started making the movies on Alex Casey. The Buearu kept eyes on him given he was a key witness in the Bright Falls AWE. Just in case.

[ « Let's not mention the Blessed Organization ties. That's... he isn't ready for all that. He may never be. I doubt Alan will ever want to go as deep into this world as I am. »

Polaris shifts and Jesse's eyebrows knit slightly.

« No, he doesn't need to know right now. » ]

Maybe she's fond of weird.

[crazyisinevitable]

[ Silence falls between them and Alan pauses for a moment, waiting and listening until he raises his eyes, wondering what thoughts are going through her mind now. He wouldn't dare ask unless she indicates in that subtle way of hers that she's willing to talk. Maybe I haven't respected her space enough. She's a private person, and she keeps a lot inside. Maybe... Maybe I shouldn't look.

He can determine a lot about a person simply by looking at them and observing them, but maybe Jesse doesn't like that. Maybe Jesse doesn't want to be read like an open book. Maybe he needs to learn to not study people in the way that he does.

Maybe he needs to be different. He's already forgotten pieces of his own life, so... maybe reinvention is the key. Being different is the key. But who is he going to be? Staring down the idea that he's lost his sense of identity is a daunting task, and Alan knows he has no idea where to even begin. All he knows is that he feels like an impostor using the name Alan Wake, and that feeling only grows the longer he spends chasing thoughts around in his head.

Maybe he shouldn't try. Maybe if he's not talking about himself, it'll be easier. ]

Yeah. He's a good agent and a good friend. Maybe after all this, I can look him up. At least give him a call. Knowing him, he's doing just fine. I bet he likes it in Hollywood. And... [ Alan pauses for a moment, wondering if he should really voice what's on his mind. In the end, he decides to go for it. ] And I hope that Bright Falls didn't mess him up too much.

[ Another thing that's my fault. The list of things that isn't my fault would be shorter. ]

Are you fond of weird?