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synthneon2023-11-29 09:38 pm
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-11-29 09:38 pm
Entry tags:
oceanview (different path) || ❝ turn the page i need to see something new. ❞
You were there by my side on the frontline
When I thought that I fought without a cause
You gave me a reason to try
no subject
« It looks like a place a writer and a photographer would live. Not someone like me. »
Suddenly, she feels even more out of place than she had before.
She turns into the kitchen, an odd hesitation in her steps, looking over the fridge. Parliament Tower. She makes a note to look into it once the AWE ends and they're all home. Alan will want to see what has become of it. Or, maybe he wouldn't. Alan can change his mind almost on the flip of a dime. She isn't sure if that is a product of the Dark Place, or if he has always been that way.
She comes to a stop in the living room. A large television of the time period Alan left in is on the entertainment center. Chairs, couch, dinning table. Bookshelves filled with books. She walks through it with ease, only coming to a stop when she sees photographs on the table. Alan, his friends, and his wife.
Alice.
Jesse feels that sinking feeling inside her again. The quiet reminder that she isn't anything like the woman he loves--the one he lost. Not that Jesse would think to replace Alice, more, she feels she couldn't come near to living up to her. She couldn't live up to the marriage he had before it all went to hell.
« How is it that I can send him messages... I can project YOU to him... even hear messages from Alice. Scratch. But, I can never seem to find Alan anymore. I'm even here in his apartment.
And he's not here. »
They're so close to ending the loops. "Return" is almost done. Alice even said so to her. Still, she has to keep trying to find Alan. Maybe she can reach him before the spiral starts again. They won't have time when "Return" begins again. It'll catapult and move so fast that there won't be time for them.
They won't be real.
"Jesse?"
Polaris brushes against her mind. She knows that voice. Her eyes raise at the sound of the familiar voice. It's younger, more confused. Not the writer she is looking for... but a writer. One she's met in one of the many attempts to reach her Alan.
« Why can't I find him in the dark anymore? »
Jesse half-turns, looking over at Alan. A small smile comes to her older face. ]
Hi, again, Alan.
no subject
He just stands where he is, hesitating because this really isn't his home anymore. The terms of their divorce are still being decided, but in his mind, he's already decided that Alice should get the apartment and he'll find somewhere else to live. Eventually, though, the temptation to wander through the apartment becomes something he can't ignore, but by then, he's no longer alone. Part of him wonders if he'll see Alice here, but another part of him figures that it's probably for the best if he doesn't see her right now. They might be civil but they might also start to fight again, and Alan doesn't like fighting with Alice. He never has.
He had a dream once that seems like foolishness now, a dream of being happy with Alice, the girl of his dreams, and having a family together. But he was a fool and he blew it, and now... he's staring down a path leading towards separation. But then again... he's found Jesse. Could he have a future with her? Should he dare to hope for such a thing?
Is the fact that she's somehow found him here a sign? Something tugs at his mind and his thoughts as if trying to draw his attention to something. What was he doing before this? Why does it feel as though something's missing from his thoughts? Why do I feel like I wasn't here 5 minutes ago? ]
Hey, Jesse. It is Jesse, right? I'm not- dreaming this, am I? [ That feeling that something about this isn't exactly what meets the eye grows stronger, even though Alan barely understands where that feeling is coming from. She sounds like Jesse, and looks like her, but she looks different too. Older. What the hell is happening here? ]
no subject
[ « Depending on what he's going through? He might remember something of that dream. Or, maybe he won't. I hope he does. If we can keep this Alan from losing himself to the waves of the Dark Place? We should. » ]
I'm still trying to reach the Alan Wake I know. [ A flicker of emotions in her gaze turned away says that she's upset, frustrated, scared. She may never find her Alan outside "Return."
« Maybe he doesn't need us as much as he did. Why else can't I reach him? If he doesn't need or want our help, but this Alan does? It would explain things. »
Jesse raises her gaze back to Alan. ] But, I'm guessing you need my help more. It's the only reason I can think that we'd meet up again.
[ A hand lifts, holding still for him to be able to place his against hers. Just as they did in the previous dream. ]
I've never seen your home. It's nice. [ She means it. Even if part of her still curls up defensively. This is the home that belongs to him and Alice. She's intruding on that. She always will. ] Are things better now? With me, I mean. The me that you know.
no subject
I'm trying to remember it, but I- I feel like I'm falling. Drowning but not drowning. Why do I feel like I'm falling? [ The question is said mostly to himself but loud enough that she can hear it. ] I think something's happened, but I definitely remember you. You, and the you that I know. But if I remember you, then that makes you someone I know too.
[ Trying to puzzle that out just makes his head hurt. ]
How's that going for you? [ Not great, if she's still trying. ] I hope you find him someday soon. I don't know what I need. I can't make sense of this story, but that's not stopping it from pulling me along with it. I have no idea where this story is going. I don't think Alice is even a part of it, but that's what got me tangled up in it in the first place.
[ He gazes around the apartment briefly before turning back to her. ]
I'm going to miss this place. It was going to be our home for the foreseeable future. [ But he shrugs. Maybe some things are just meant to be, including this. ]
Uh... I think things are going well. Well, not well, considering what we're dealing with, but it's been good. As good as it's going to get. What about the me that you know? I know you're still trying to find him, but- how are things with you?
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« He already feels that way? Was it something that happened back in 2010 and just continued to happen...? I don't think I could ask my Alan. He's lost so many memories... »
The hand she had extended out to him curls slightly. Then, she lowers it.
« Wait, what? It was going to be his home? »
She nods to his last statements. Good. She knows herself better than anyone. If that pull is between this version of her and Alan? The younger her won't leave. Especially with how Jesse remembers things being for her in 2010. Maybe things are different for the younger her, but, she doubts it. Her instincts tell her that his Jesse is still on a similar path.
Hee gaze drops and she looks to the side at his last question. She's doing horrible and pretending it's fine. ]
You have those manuscript pages still, right? Use them as a guide. It'll tell you where the story is going and what will happen. But, because you know, you can start pushing it to change in places. [ A shrug. ] At least, it's worked for me in this story. It's taken... what feels like a long time to get it right. But, I know the story you're in is different. You have more control over it.
[ As for her? It's obvious, even with how guarded this Jesse is, that she is far from doing well. She can't tell him certain things. Most things. Though, in her gaze that refuses to look up at him, he will most likely see the loneliness and pain in her gaze.
Then, it's gone.
Locked back inside.
« This Alan doesn't need to know. My Alan--the one we know. He can't know either. Otherwise... he'll just stop. Can I even call him "my Alan"? Being here... it's been his goal for so long to get back to this apartment. Alice might be dead in our reality, but she"s still here. Guiding him. I don't--I don't want us just to be replacements or stand ins for that. »
Her gaze quickly shifts back th the photographs.
« I'm never going to be the kind of person Alice was for him. It's why we can't change the course of the story. I'm not that person. We're not the hero Alan needs to change it. We're here just to guide him along to that point--maybe it's the same for this Alan. Like a passing star in the night.
God. I hope the me he knows never feels this way. » ]
It's been a while since the last time I saw him. [ Her voice is oddly quiet then, almost withdrawn but somehow lonely feeling as well. ] We've--my friend and I--have been trying to find a way to bring him home. I'm not sure we're going to. That's someone else's role in the story.
[ « That's it. The rest stays locked inside. Not even the Alan we know can see it. »
She looks back up at him. ]
I'm sure Alice is waiting for you. Here, I mean. Back home. [ She forces a small smile for him. The hand she had extended out curls slightly at her side. ] If Alice is involved in the story? She'll need your help.
no subject
Where am I? What happened? I remember Jesse being there, and a scream, and I was running... and why do I feel like I'm just falling? How did I get here?
Too late, he moves to place his hand against hers, but she's already curled her hand away from his and lowered it. He just stays there with his hand partially outstretched, but after a second, he lowers it as well. If he'd just paid more attention and moved his hand quicker- never mind. It's not important.
He might not be an expert at reading Jesse just yet, but he thinks he can tell she's carrying a weight of her own, something that's causing her grief and no small amount of upset. He might not be "her" Alan, but he feels a compelling need to try and help somehow. Maybe there's nothing he can do. Maybe his other self has to do it all. But that doesn't turn off that urge to do something. ]
The pages? Yeah, I- I don't understand them, but I'm following them. Kind of. I thought I was on the right track, but then... the kidnapper wasn't a kidnapper and he didn't have Alice or know where she was. [ He raises a hand then and grips his hair tightly. ] I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Is there any point to this? I don't feel like I have control over anything, not even the story.
[ That look on her face and in her eyes might have disappeared as quickly as it came, but Alan still saw it, and he feels a sudden ache that he can't explain either. ]
Are you sure you're okay? Because you... you don't look it. [ He's realizing that he's not okay either, because if he's just reading between the lines of what she's saying, whatever's happened to the Alan she knows is bad. Really bad. And what's stopping what happened to that Alan from happening to him?
Could this be a glimpse at his future? Or what if the timelines diverge and things don't end up happening the same way? Who knows? Alan certainly doesn't. ]
How long is awhile? And your friend... your guide. She's still with you, then. [ Why wouldn't she be? Alan can already tell that Jesse and her friend are all but permanently entangled, in the best way. He might not even realize it himself, but he's begun to notice how Jesse pauses at times and goes quiet, but she's not absent. Not drifting. She's talking to her friend. This Jesse does it too.
How different are events going to be for me and this other Alan? ]
You're not giving up, are you? I- It's obviously not my place, but- I think you have to keep trying to bring him home. I don't know how I know that.
[ Alan's expression briefly clouds. ]
I don't know what to believe anymore. I thought that Alice had been kidnapped and I was going to find her and free her, but- if she never was kidnapped, then does she need my help at all? Is she even really in this story?
[ His hand curls too then, the hand that's not still gripping his hair. ]
I don't know what to think.
no subject
It's a story. Right? Maybe you're missing some pages, but, read it like you would any book. [ Her head tilts. Then, she walks over to the couch and slowly sits down on the arm. ] You're a writer, Alan. Look at this as if this is a story you're editing. Step back and look at everything from the start. Let's go from there.
[ She glances down. ] I'm fine. As fine as I'm going to be through this. The story you're in and the story the Alan I know is in... [ a sigh. ] It's 2010 for you. I didn't meet you until 2019. You've met me much earlier, so everything is going to be different before both of you. The story he's in ... the nature of it makes it feel like a long time, even if time isn't really passing. It feels like a long time. It may not be. "Departure" wants to become real. Alice is in danger. We need to get you to the end in order to stop it.
[ Jesse puts her hands in her lap. ] I'm not giving up. What I've been trying to do isn't going to work and it's not supposed to work by design of the story. I'm... we're just there to guide him along. Someone else helps him come home. He has to do it on his own.
[ Her eyes raise. A smile comes to her eyes and they light up. ] My friend is always with me. If your Jesse follows the same path... she'll probably be the same. Did she tell you about her or her name?
no subject
Alan's expression turns to one of confusion. ]
The me that you know... he edited the story, didn't he? Or he tried to. He's trying to. You helped too, right? I should feel better about all of this. You being here having lived this means it's going to end well. Maybe not right away, but in the end.
[ He sounds almost hopeful, as if he's clinging to that to give him reassurance, because he can't see where any of this is going right now. ]
What if... what if he can't do it on his own? What if I can't do whatever I'm supposed to, to finish this? I know you said I can, but- Why don't I believe it?
[ It's automatically, instinctively, but the hand that he pulled back and curled up reaches out for her as if its owner is seeking comfort. Not that he believes he has any right to seek anything from her. ]
Yeah, she told me about her, the friend that's always helping her out. Pointing the way, kind of. I don't think I got a name, though. If I did, I forgot, but not because I think it's not important.
[ He makes sure to emphasize that last part. ]
no subject
[ She can't tell him exactly what to do or how to move forward with it. She knows so little about "Departure" and the AWE surrounding it. The most she can do is guide him in a direction based off what she knows of "Return."
« Maybe it will help. Maybe it won't. Alan is the only one capable of making the final leap and decision. He has to do it... whatever it ends up being. We can't do it for him. » ]
The story you're in isn't the same as the one I know is in. I don't really know what happened in the one you're in--in 2010. I was somewhere else then. Somewhere worse in a lot of ways. [ A shake of her head and she glances down so quickly it looks like a blink of an eye. ] I tried to help him edit it. I don't know if me, or my friend, were of any help in the end.
The Jesse Faden you know is in that same place mentally. Emotionally. Just in Bright Falls instead of somewhere else. She's going to be dealing with a lot. But, she won't leave your side. Unless you tell her to leave.
[ A gentle smile shifts in her eyes as he reaches for her hand again. She presses hers to his as they had before. Fingers against fingers. ]
Alan, you're always thinking the worst possible outcome will happen. But... you find a way to overcome it. You always do.
[ Jesse nods. ] It'll be best if she tells you then. It's... not something we trust people with lightly. But, if she really is like me? She's already thinking of telling you.
no subject
[ He does remember bits and pieces of the time he and Jesse spent doing other things, but he's not sure he should mention that to this Jesse. ]
But yeah, you're right. I'll read them when- when I wake up. [ Wake up? Oh, right, this is a dream. I'm dreaming, but talking to her in a dream. That sounds insane, but I just have a feeling that this is real. ]
This is going to sound absolutely insane, but- I just feel like I should be helping you somehow. Both of you. If I could reach the Alan that you know, I'd... I don't know. He should tell you that you helped. That you're helping. It sounds so weird to talk about myself like that.
[ He huffs out a laugh, because everything about this is weird. ]
And I wouldn't tell her to leave. I get the feeling that she needs a friend. Besides the friend she has, I mean. I'm not good at being friends with people, but I don't think she should be alone. Unless she wants to be, then of course I'll back off.
[ His fingers curl instinctively against hers, as if he's seeking that physical connection but also wanting to give her that connection in return. And maybe that's how he knows this is more than a dream, because their touch feels so real. ]
I think I always did that, even before all this started. I don't know if you'd call it pessimism or realism or- whatever. I just can't seem to help it. But I wish I had half of your confidence, because I don't even know how I'm going to get out of this. If I'm going to get out of this.
[ He offers her a smile and it actually touches his eyes this time. ]
For what it's worth, I am glad that I met her. And of course, I'm glad that I met you too.
no subject
« I guess neither me nor her really have a place in his stories. »
Jesse raises her eyes once more at his next statement. Her head tilts back and her shoulders square. ]
He's said we have. [ A shake of her head then as her gaze wanders again. ] I'm not sure if it's really been as much as help as he says it is. Otherwise... I don't know. Things would be better. I guess.
[ A brief hesitation happens before she spreads her fingers for his to slip between. It feels as if they've always done this, even though he isn't the one she knows. It just proves that really they are the same person at their core. Her gaze stays on their hand for a long moment. ]
She needs more than a friend. [ Her head tilts back again. ] Not that I'm trying to tell you what to do or who to be to her. Just... it might be better if you ask questions. I'll try to tell you what I can without stepping on her toes.
[ A gentle smile tugs at her face. ] I always figured it just came hand-in-hand with you being a writer. Or, just, a part of who you were even as a kid. I did some research before I met the you I know.
[ The smile turns into something vulnerability. A glance down, then back up. Almost a shy expression in her eyes. ] Make sure you tell her that.
no subject
Of course, if he could know what she'd just thought, he'd insist that she- both versions of her have a place in the story. But then again, what happened to make it so that she wasn't in his other self's story? Why did he do that? From where Alan's standing, he wouldn't push her out of the story, so did something force him to remove her?
He shakes his head, because all he's doing by thinking about this is making more questions come up to the surface. ]
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that you just being there is helping. You could've left, could've ran off when it got to be too much. But it sounds like you stuck with him to the end, and you're still sticking with him now.
[ He smiles as he slides his fingers in between hers. It's a warm smile even if it's a smaller one. Somehow, this feels right. What is it about Jesse in any version that feels right to him? He really can't figure out the answer to that. ]
I never was good at being someone's friend, but- with you... with her... I want to try.
[ He pauses for a moment to consider what she's just theorized. ] Maybe it did. Maybe it's just me looking at all angles and settling on the worst sounding one. That makes me sound totally bleak. [ But it's not entirely wrong either. Alan isn't a sunshine and daisies type of person. ]
You did? You actually did research? I mean- not that there's anything wrong with research, I'm just surprised.
[ He notes that vulnerability in her expression and he takes a slow step forward. He wants to touch her cheek, but maybe that's way too forward. Holding hands can be seen as innocent enough. That gesture might not be viewed so innocently or received well, so he holds back. ]
I will. I'll tell her.
no subject
[ « I hate it. I hate having no control in this--any of this. But, ending the AWE is what's more important. Saving who we can. Making sure my agents and the people of Bright Falls are as safe as they can be. Alan, Dylan... we'll just have to keep waiting for them to come home. » ]
You have a best friend, right? Your agent. Wheeler. [ She says it the way she does to prove she did research. ] I had to look into things regarding you after I met the version of you I know in 2019. It's 2023 for me now. So, hi. From an alternate future.
I'm pretty sure that bleak outlook is what made you good at writing the Alex Casey novels. Maybe you're not something like Dan Brown, or Stephen King. But, you could communicate what Casey felt and thought to the reader. That's the first step in getting someone invested in the story. Isn't it?
[ « And now he'll figure out that I read his books. Great. Cat's out of the bag now. » ]
It'll mean a lot. Even if it doesn't really seem like it. You'll figure out how to read her.
[ Her hand curls comfortably against his as if they've done the motion a hundred times. She has, with another version of him. She can't help but wonder if the Jesse he knows has opened herself up to the small motions yet. Given where she was in 2010? Jesse can't see why she wouldn't. The years of foster homes and ongoing disbelief from others should make it where Jesse will open up to him. It might take a few tries, bit, she should be more willing to open up than her older counterpart. ]
I get the feeling you care a lot about her.
no subject
[ But a sense of determination takes root and Alan simply squares his shoulders and resolves to keep pushing forward, whatever happens. Maybe he'll eat those words later but maybe his resolve will carry him through. ]
I'm sure you won't be waiting for him forever. He'll come back, I'm sure of it. I don't know how, but I just have a feeling.
[ His eyebrows lift at the mention of Barry. Well, apparently she has done her research. Not that he had a reason to doubt her, but he had just a hint of skepticism. ]
If I didn't know better, I'd think... well, no I wouldn't, because if you're the same as the you that I met, you don't want to be thought of as crazy. You're not crazy. Neither of you are. But you know, all of this is kind of hard for me to swallow. A crazy horror story coming to life, you being from an alternate future... I believe you, just so we're clear.
[ His expression shifts to one of surprise then. ] When I was writing them, I kept thinking about how I could make Casey relatable, or at least identifiable and relatively easy to understand. I wanted people who read the books to be able to understand what was going on in his head. And speaking of reading, you've read them, haven't you? [ Suddenly Alan feels a hint of nervousness that he can't explain. Does he want her approval of his writing? Maybe. ]
What did you think about them?
[ It takes some doing as their hands are now joined together, but he moves his fingers in such a way that they brush lightly against hers, and the gesture makes him smile a little. Maybe it's comforting in a way, holding her hand. He hopes she doesn't mind it either. ]
It's going to sound weird, but I do. [ He shouldn't be having emotional attachments to anyone, since the divorce process is barely even started, but- Jesse caught him by surprise and she drew him in. ] I don't want to let her go.
no subject
[ Then, a certain glow comes to her eyes at seeing that determination. It's the one that is unique to Alan Wake. It's good to see it in this version of him. Maybe he can harness it better than the version she knows. He hasn't been trapped in the Dark Place yet. He might be able to avoid it all together then if he's able to pull himself together quicker. Maybe he can find a way out of the story with the version of her so he's never stuck in the Dark Place.
« I really want them to be able to avoid this. » ]
He'll come back. Someday. [ While she sound sure of it, there's a lingering sense of sadness with it as well. ] He might not want anything to do with me, or my friend, or any of this after that.
[ Her eyebrows narrow slightly at the idea of being called crazy. Jesse may be comfortable with who she is, and found her place in the world, but it still is something of a sore spot. Her gaze drifts down with a frown on her face. ]
That's why she hasn't told you about it yet. Our friend. Ordinary. If there's even a hint that you can't understand or grasp it? Neither of us are going to pull you further into this world. Not everyone can handle it. [ She shakes her head. ] Regardless if you believe either of us or not.
[ Jesse goes quiet again, listening to what he says. Her fingers move in return. A sense of longing fills her. It's not the Alan she knows--the one she feels she can't properly call "hers" anymore--and it simply makes her miss the one she knows. She already missed him, now it's just a deeper feeling.
« I doubt I'll be able to do this when I find him again when "Return" starts. There may not be the time for it. He may not want to remember anymore. In the end... it might just be something we remember and no one else remembers the altered reality. » ]
I did. [ Embarrassment strikes her face. ] They were genre savvy, but that's not a bad thing. Casey was an interesting and compelling character. You felt for him, and wanted him to succeed. The ending he got is fitting of the genre... even if the reader may not have agreed with it. But, it was still good.
They make movies of them, you know. In my version of events. [ Jesse gives him a smirk then. ] Someone I... work with was really upset he missed the opening night of The Sudden Stop because of the shut down we had.
[ She nods. ] Don't let her go. If she matters that much to you.
no subject
[ He smiles in return, and it gradually morphs into a half-smirk. ]
Someday isn't satisfying, is it? It's not definite, so you're left wondering when it'll happen. As for that, I find that hard to believe. How could he not want to be your friend?
[ It's possible that he's letting his own feelings leak too much into this, but he can't imagine not wanting to be friends with Jesse and her mysterious friend. In his mind, if the Alan she knows decides he doesn't want a part of this anymore, then he's the crazy one. ]
It's all new to me and I know I don't understand it yet, but I'm trying. I really am. [ He pauses again and his expression turns serious once more. ] I know I'm not as deep into all of this as you are, but I don't know if I can just pretend that everything's fine, that what I've seen so far was a dream or nightmare or hallucination.
It... it feels like I'm awake, and everyone else who doesn't know is asleep. That probably doesn't make sense.
[ He rubs the back of his neck with his free hand, suddenly a little embarrassed himself. ] I- you make them sound better than they are, really. I wanted to write good stories and make them interesting, but... [ He's seen the comments and reviews about them, and it's the negative ones that stick out in his mind the most.
But then it registers what she's said and he just stares at her. ] They made movies out of them? Really? Whoa.
[ That's obviously one thing he never expected to have happen in a million years. ] I almost can't believe anyone thought they were good enough to adapt into movies.
[ A part of him wonders just how much they changed, but there's another part of him that's once again Alan Wake, rookie writer for Night Springs, just trying to get his foot in the door. ]
But yeah, as long as she wants me there, I'm sticking with her. I promise. [ It doesn't even sound strange to him that he's promising another version of the Jesse he knows. It just feels right to him. ]
no subject
[ « If we were, then, "Return" wouldn't be the way it is. We could stop it on our terms. Instead it's.... »
Jesse looks down and away as she frowns. She's yet to find something to change her mind on it all. She can't find Alan, just another version of him. She can't change the outcome of "Return"--only Saga and Alan can. This their journey, and she's just along for the ride. A time did exist where she was more hopeful. Learning what she did from who she did has drastically changed her outlook on it.
And, not that she would admit to it, but it broke her heart. Admitting it means she has to feel it more. There's no time for that.
« I hope this Alan doesn't know any version of me well enough to tell. » ]
No. It's not a good enough answer. [ Her tone is flat and answer immediate, guarded, but also resigned. ] "Friends"? We're... a bit more than friends. The Alan I know and me.
[ « I wonder what his reaction to that will be. »
Polaris shimmers around her. Almost as if the resonance is amused as well. ]
That's a very you way to describe it. I'm sure Jesse and I share the same way of describing it... maybe she's said it. I'll hold off in case she hasn't. [ « At least he hasn't made drowning allegories yet. » ] It makes sense. More than you know.
[ An eyebrow raises. ] Huh, the Alan I know has a more negative looks on his books. I almost figured you both hated them. Which is why I haven't brought up the fact I read them. It seemed like a sore spot.
The movies are really popular. [ « I can't mention too much. He'll figure out certain things and that might make it so it messes up his timeline. We can't do that. He deserves his own ending. With or without his own Jesse. » ] You've never really believed in your own stories or abilities, Alan. Trust me. They're entertaining. That's what people read books and watch movies for--right? If you can make a world for them to escape into then you've done it right.
[ She laughs lightly. ] If she's like me? She won't want you to leave her behind at all.
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[ He's not sure he understands what his reasons are or should be for continuing to fight. He's not asking to see the ending or be told about it, because that's obviously not how any of this is supposed to work, but why should he keep going? Should he keep going and hinge his hopes on finding something new with his version of Jesse? Or is he supposed to discover his own reason for continuing the fight?
He figures he can't look to her for those answers, but he finds himself frustrated all the same... frustrated because he doesn't know what to do.
That sudden ripple of frustration shows on Alan's face and his hands clench briefly into fists. ]
What am I supposed to do to avoid that happening to me? To us? I wish I could do something to change what's happened to you, to the me that you know, but- [ Simply put, Alan just feels powerless. ]
More than friends, huh? [ In spite of himself, in spite of his frustration, ALan grins. ]
Did he sweep you off your feet with just the right words? [ The question is a genuine one, not a tease or said with sarcasm. Obviously the Alan she knows is still him, so they're bound to share some similarities. ] Then again, I have no idea what was going on when the two of you met, so maybe it wasn't like that at all.
[ Still, Polaris isn't the only one who's amused. ]
Well, at least it makes sense to someone. [ He raises an eyebrow in return, at the mention of how the other version of himself views the books they've written. ] I don't know if I'd say I hate them. They're just not the great, riveting creative work that I wanted them to be.
[ His gaze drops just slightly then, as he feels she's hit the nail on the head. He doesn't believe in his own works either, much less his abilities. But then he goes right back to making eye contact with her once more. ]
As long as someone's entertained by them, that's all I need, really. Even if it's only one person, that's what counts. I think that's what counts, anyway. It might not bring in all the royalties and fund a private yacht or something- not that I want one of those. But that's why I started writing, to entertain.
[ And because he felt like he had stories he could tell. ]
So... if you had a choice, if you'd met your Alan at the start of this, would you have stuck with him the whole way? If you could?
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[ The question is genuine as she has never written in her life. This is a skill set she has no part of, no understanding outside of a basic education. What she does know is that Alan is a writer. A good one--if not a little trope driven. He needs to find that ability to write again to get himself out of the situation he's in. All she can do is point and guide the way.
Just like with her Alan.
Her gaze flicks down, then back up to him. ] I came in too late to help Alan with much of anything. His story already started. I'm just... a helpful guide along the way. Even if he'd want me to have more of a role. It's my part. [ Then, her glaze flicks to the side with a frown tugging at her lips. Despite how she hides it? It's obvious she hates it. ] You should focus on yourself and the Jesse you know. That's more important and something you can actually change.
[ Despite the amusement from her otherworldly partner and Alan? Jesse doesn't quite smile. Her gaze and expression soften on purpose. If only so he can see how much it all means to her. Not that she thinks either party is making light of it. She can't use words like Alan. All she has is her body language. ]
Yeah. He did. Eventually. [ Jesse's voice trembles for a moment before she tilts her head and looks away to cover the rest of her reaction.
They're words she knows she may not ever hear again. Once he drives off at the end of "Return"? There's no telling if or when he'll come home. It's clear she's struggling with what she has to do. In the end, she'll do it, because that's what she does. She's the Director. She helps ends AWEs and invasions from other realms. ] I was... excited to meet someone like me. Someone that lived through things like I did. Things happened and... [ a hand raises and then waves in a gesture, ] I'm pretty sure they'll be ending now.
[ A shrug. ] Take what you learned to make your next novel great. Find a way to end "Departure", then move onto the next part of your life.
[ Jesse frowns once more, eyes flickering away. Her eyebrows knit and it takes a moment for her to look back at him. ]
I would have, but, I couldn't no matter how hard I would of wanted it. [ A shake of her head makes the red curls bounce off her cheeks. ] My--the Alan I know? He was still married in 2010 to Alice Wake. They had a rough patch, but, even I can tell he still loves her in 2023. They were together. I couldn't get between that.
It... [ Jesse sighs, and looks away again. She could see the Jesse he knows reacting the same way. ] If I was there in Bright Falls? I would have gotten on a bus and left the moment it all ended. There'd be no place for me there.
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But what if she really is in trouble? I can't just leave her wherever she is.
[ For just a second, Alan just looks lost. His marriage might be on the rocks, but that doesn't mean he's content to just stand by and let something terrible happen to Alice. ]
But that's helping, isn't it? Even if it's not in the way you thought, it's still something, and I'm sure he's grateful for it. I'm sure he's grateful that you're there at all. [ He tries to make his tone as reassuring-sounding as possible, because it's clear to him that it's what Jesse needs. Well, what she needs is for her Alan to come home. If he could reach out to his other self and give him a firm shake, he would. If he thought that it would do any good, anyway.
Whatever this other Alan is doing, it seems that it's put him out of Jesse's reach. ]
They can't be ending, not for good. This- this has to resolve itself. Alan- your Alan, he has to come home.
[ Who's the real Alan here? Are we both real? Our stories seem different... Our lives too. But maybe I can do something to help her. Can I help her because the me she knows can't right now? I do need to get back to the Jesse I know, but- How do I do that? How do I do anything? ]
I'm starting to think that for people like us, there's no such thing as a simple or easy life. There's always going to be complications.
[ Alan sighs and scrubs his face, hating all of this. Well, all of this, but not meeting this version of Jesse. ]
It's not my place to ask, but- do you ever still feel like leaving?
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[ A nod. ] If she's involved even by mention? She's in danger.
Maybe it is helping. [ Jesse doesn't say what's truly on her mind as she feels they will simply go in circles over and over again. She's done enough of that with the Alan she knows. ] It just doesn't feel like it.
[ The corners of her mouth twinge in a bitter smile. ] It's how it ends. For now, I guess. It might pick up... someday. That's all I seem to do is wait on the things I can't control.
[ Still, a shake of her head. She'd rather talk about what he and his Jesse can do to change their outcome. It's more productive than her just bemoaning what she has to do and how much it hurts. Being upset won't change it. ]
It depends on how much you stay in this world. Covering your eyes and ears makes it a lot simpler... for most people. I wouldn't know what that's like. Jesse wouldn't know what that's like. [ The bitter smile turns softer. ] No. I don't feel that way now. I found my place in the world; where I belong and what I'm supposed to do. I even found someone like me that understands things I didn't think anyone would. I'm not giving any of that up now. Some of it just doesn't work on my time table but his.
I'm guessing it's the same for Jesse. Once she finds her place? She'll want to stay there with those people. With you--if that's what you want. We spent most of our lives being told we were wrong, or insane, so finding people that don't treat us that way is special. I could be wrong, but, I bet I'm on the mark when it comes to her.
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That doesn't work in ordinary writing, in stories that aren't alive. Readers can tell if the flow is missing. And if this story is alive... that flow would definitely be missing. It has to fit in with the context, doesn't it? That only makes sense.
[ He ponders over this some more. ] So I have to write in an ending that works with the context and the existing story, and save Alice in the process.
[ He shakes his head. ]
I'm not a hero, I don't save people. But- I guess I'm going to have to try being one if I want this to work. And, for what it's worth, I wish that I could do something to help you too.
[ He pauses. ] Is there something that I can do? I know I'm not the guy people look to when they need help, but...
[ A flash of that resolve shows up in his eyes for the briefest of moments. ]
Covering my eyes and ears won't solve anything. I can't do that; I'm involved now. Maybe I don't feel like this is where I belong yet, but I can't just go back to pretending nothing ever happened, you know?
[ I can't say it because it feels too soon, but I want to stay with these people. With this Jesse, and the Jesse I know. Maybe I'll never see this Jesse again. Maybe I shouldn't. But I don't think I'll forget about her. ]
Maybe eventually, I'll find my place too, like you did.
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I'm guessing so. It's why my--the Alan I know has been stuck. He's trying to change the ending. [ Her gaze drops. ] It won't be the ending either of us want. I know that. But he... I think he's going to find out soon. Maybe it won't matter. He may not remember anything to do with us.
That might be for the best this time that he doesn't.
[ Jesse tilts her head with a frown, gaze wandering to the side. She isn't talking to Polaris. Her mind is running with the ideas and what she should do about her Alan. He's said before he would always want to remember her--but should he? Does he still feel that same way? Would he want to remember only to have to go on without her? She's at a loss of what to do.
This isn't her area. People. Relationships. How did she let herself get dragged into this?
The memory of how he holds her her comes to mind. Their foreheads pressed together. Fingers in her hair. How he can just say the right words with his ability to read her like an open book. The way his gray eyes reflect the light inside him and shimmer with that determination that only Alan Wake has.
« I don't want to lose that. I dont want to be alone in the room with the poster again. »
Still, she looks back up at this Alan. A familiar glitter comes to her eyes. That's the unique determination that Alan Wake has. The one that always brings a smile to her face. She's certain his Jesse feels the same way. ]
You'll find a way. You always do. That's what makes you who you are. You bring yourself up to the challenge and face it. No matter how scared you are.
[ Jesse's smile curves more. ] No. I'm pretty sure you know the place you want to be in. You make your own path there. Even if it's a road only you really understand? You can make it that way.
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[ He's an idiot. ]
Would it be better for you if he didn't? Would it... be easier? [ I don't think it would be, and if it was me, I'd hate it. But I can't speak for her.
He goes quiet too for a moment while she looks to the side, clearly thinking. He simply watches her, wondering what she's thinking but deciding it's best to wait for her to let him in. If she decides to. ]
When you say that, I believe it. I can't see how, or what I'm supposed to do, but you... you saying that makes me feel like I can do anything.
[ Believing in people must be a trait they both share. Both Jesses. It makes sense, they're the same person, but- it's just nice to see. ]
You must really believe in the Alan you know. He's lucky. Really lucky. And that means I'm lucky too because I met you. Both of you. Maybe not as lucky as he is, though.
[ He offers a half smile, hoping she can tell the joking nature of his words. ]
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[ She frowns then. Her gaze leaves him once more as her lower lip trembles. Then, in an instant, the emotion on her face is controlled. Locked back inside. ] I hate it. I don't know if it's easier. I don't... I don't know what to do.
[ It might be believing in Alan more than people in general. Another parautlitarian. Knowing that he's already defeated the Dark Presence once and saved the world. ] You can do it. You just have to be open to the idea you can.
I do. I believe in both of you and what you can do. It's just getting you to believe in yourself. Cutting through all that negativity in your head.
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