synthneon | oceanview (different path) || ❝ turn the page i need to see something new. ❞

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* verse: oceanview into the dark

oceanview (different path) || ❝ turn the page i need to see something new. ❞

a different path,
the same road.

When I thought that I fought this war alone
You were there by my side on the frontline
When I thought that I fought without a cause
You gave me a reason to try CODE BY TESSISAMESS

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Yeah, I know the saying. [ Alan's expression turns grim as he considers this. ] It seems like things are already pretty dark, but I guess that I haven't seen anything yet. But if whatever's waiting at the end of all this is good, then... [ He pauses before he continues. ] I'm going to keep moving forward.

[ He smiles in return, and it gradually morphs into a half-smirk. ]

Someday isn't satisfying, is it? It's not definite, so you're left wondering when it'll happen. As for that, I find that hard to believe. How could he not want to be your friend?

[ It's possible that he's letting his own feelings leak too much into this, but he can't imagine not wanting to be friends with Jesse and her mysterious friend. In his mind, if the Alan she knows decides he doesn't want a part of this anymore, then he's the crazy one. ]

It's all new to me and I know I don't understand it yet, but I'm trying. I really am. [ He pauses again and his expression turns serious once more. ] I know I'm not as deep into all of this as you are, but I don't know if I can just pretend that everything's fine, that what I've seen so far was a dream or nightmare or hallucination.

It... it feels like I'm awake, and everyone else who doesn't know is asleep. That probably doesn't make sense.

[ He rubs the back of his neck with his free hand, suddenly a little embarrassed himself. ] I- you make them sound better than they are, really. I wanted to write good stories and make them interesting, but... [ He's seen the comments and reviews about them, and it's the negative ones that stick out in his mind the most.

But then it registers what she's said and he just stares at her. ] They made movies out of them? Really? Whoa.

[ That's obviously one thing he never expected to have happen in a million years. ] I almost can't believe anyone thought they were good enough to adapt into movies.

[ A part of him wonders just how much they changed, but there's another part of him that's once again Alan Wake, rookie writer for Night Springs, just trying to get his foot in the door. ]

But yeah, as long as she wants me there, I'm sticking with her. I promise. [ It doesn't even sound strange to him that he's promising another version of the Jesse he knows. It just feels right to him. ]

I suppose that depends on what you consider "good." What you want to at the end of it. [ Jesse shrugs gently. ] The Alan I know. He went through what you did without me there. I'm not saying they me or your Jesse are that important or game changing, but, it might change the story drastically. Let's hope it's for the better.

[ « If we were, then, "Return" wouldn't be the way it is. We could stop it on our terms. Instead it's.... »

Jesse looks down and away as she frowns. She's yet to find something to change her mind on it all. She can't find Alan, just another version of him. She can't change the outcome of "Return"--only Saga and Alan can. This their journey, and she's just along for the ride. A time did exist where she was more hopeful. Learning what she did from who she did has drastically changed her outlook on it.

And, not that she would admit to it, but it broke her heart. Admitting it means she has to feel it more. There's no time for that.

« I hope this Alan doesn't know any version of me well enough to tell. » ]

No. It's not a good enough answer. [ Her tone is flat and answer immediate, guarded, but also resigned. ] "Friends"? We're... a bit more than friends. The Alan I know and me.

[ « I wonder what his reaction to that will be. »

Polaris shimmers around her. Almost as if the resonance is amused as well. ]

That's a very you way to describe it. I'm sure Jesse and I share the same way of describing it... maybe she's said it. I'll hold off in case she hasn't. [ « At least he hasn't made drowning allegories yet. » ] It makes sense. More than you know.

[ An eyebrow raises. ] Huh, the Alan I know has a more negative looks on his books. I almost figured you both hated them. Which is why I haven't brought up the fact I read them. It seemed like a sore spot.

The movies are really popular. [ « I can't mention too much. He'll figure out certain things and that might make it so it messes up his timeline. We can't do that. He deserves his own ending. With or without his own Jesse. » ] You've never really believed in your own stories or abilities, Alan. Trust me. They're entertaining. That's what people read books and watch movies for--right? If you can make a world for them to escape into then you've done it right.

[ She laughs lightly. ] If she's like me? She won't want you to leave her behind at all.

What if I said that I don't know? How am I supposed to know the ending when I don't even really know what the next step is? I want an ending, a resolution to all this, but how can I know that when I'm still at the beginning? I don't- I guess I don't understand.

[ He's not sure he understands what his reasons are or should be for continuing to fight. He's not asking to see the ending or be told about it, because that's obviously not how any of this is supposed to work, but why should he keep going? Should he keep going and hinge his hopes on finding something new with his version of Jesse? Or is he supposed to discover his own reason for continuing the fight?

He figures he can't look to her for those answers, but he finds himself frustrated all the same... frustrated because he doesn't know what to do.

That sudden ripple of frustration shows on Alan's face and his hands clench briefly into fists. ]

What am I supposed to do to avoid that happening to me? To us? I wish I could do something to change what's happened to you, to the me that you know, but- [ Simply put, Alan just feels powerless. ]

More than friends, huh? [ In spite of himself, in spite of his frustration, ALan grins. ]

Did he sweep you off your feet with just the right words? [ The question is a genuine one, not a tease or said with sarcasm. Obviously the Alan she knows is still him, so they're bound to share some similarities. ] Then again, I have no idea what was going on when the two of you met, so maybe it wasn't like that at all.

[ Still, Polaris isn't the only one who's amused. ]

Well, at least it makes sense to someone. [ He raises an eyebrow in return, at the mention of how the other version of himself views the books they've written. ] I don't know if I'd say I hate them. They're just not the great, riveting creative work that I wanted them to be.

[ His gaze drops just slightly then, as he feels she's hit the nail on the head. He doesn't believe in his own works either, much less his abilities. But then he goes right back to making eye contact with her once more. ]

As long as someone's entertained by them, that's all I need, really. Even if it's only one person, that's what counts. I think that's what counts, anyway. It might not bring in all the royalties and fund a private yacht or something- not that I want one of those. But that's why I started writing, to entertain.

[ And because he felt like he had stories he could tell. ]

So... if you had a choice, if you'd met your Alan at the start of this, would you have stuck with him the whole way? If you could?

Do you ever really know the ending of a story as you're writing it?

[ The question is genuine as she has never written in her life. This is a skill set she has no part of, no understanding outside of a basic education. What she does know is that Alan is a writer. A good one--if not a little trope driven. He needs to find that ability to write again to get himself out of the situation he's in. All she can do is point and guide the way.

Just like with her Alan.

Her gaze flicks down, then back up to him. ] I came in too late to help Alan with much of anything. His story already started. I'm just... a helpful guide along the way. Even if he'd want me to have more of a role. It's my part. [ Then, her glaze flicks to the side with a frown tugging at her lips. Despite how she hides it? It's obvious she hates it. ] You should focus on yourself and the Jesse you know. That's more important and something you can actually change.

[ Despite the amusement from her otherworldly partner and Alan? Jesse doesn't quite smile. Her gaze and expression soften on purpose. If only so he can see how much it all means to her. Not that she thinks either party is making light of it. She can't use words like Alan. All she has is her body language. ]

Yeah. He did. Eventually. [ Jesse's voice trembles for a moment before she tilts her head and looks away to cover the rest of her reaction.

They're words she knows she may not ever hear again. Once he drives off at the end of "Return"? There's no telling if or when he'll come home. It's clear she's struggling with what she has to do. In the end, she'll do it, because that's what she does. She's the Director. She helps ends AWEs and invasions from other realms. ] I was... excited to meet someone like me. Someone that lived through things like I did. Things happened and... [ a hand raises and then waves in a gesture, ] I'm pretty sure they'll be ending now.

[ A shrug. ] Take what you learned to make your next novel great. Find a way to end "Departure", then move onto the next part of your life.

[ Jesse frowns once more, eyes flickering away. Her eyebrows knit and it takes a moment for her to look back at him. ]

I would have, but, I couldn't no matter how hard I would of wanted it. [ A shake of her head makes the red curls bounce off her cheeks. ] My--the Alan I know? He was still married in 2010 to Alice Wake. They had a rough patch, but, even I can tell he still loves her in 2023. They were together. I couldn't get between that.

It... [ Jesse sighs, and looks away again. She could see the Jesse he knows reacting the same way. ] If I was there in Bright Falls? I would have gotten on a bus and left the moment it all ended. There'd be no place for me there.

Sometimes, if the inspiration is there and you know exactly what you want. I don't know exactly what I want. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I thought I was supposed to save Alice, but Alice isn't even kidnapped, if I can believe what the not-kidnapper said.

But what if she really is in trouble? I can't just leave her wherever she is.

[ For just a second, Alan just looks lost. His marriage might be on the rocks, but that doesn't mean he's content to just stand by and let something terrible happen to Alice. ]

But that's helping, isn't it? Even if it's not in the way you thought, it's still something, and I'm sure he's grateful for it. I'm sure he's grateful that you're there at all. [ He tries to make his tone as reassuring-sounding as possible, because it's clear to him that it's what Jesse needs. Well, what she needs is for her Alan to come home. If he could reach out to his other self and give him a firm shake, he would. If he thought that it would do any good, anyway.

Whatever this other Alan is doing, it seems that it's put him out of Jesse's reach. ]

They can't be ending, not for good. This- this has to resolve itself. Alan- your Alan, he has to come home.

[ Who's the real Alan here? Are we both real? Our stories seem different... Our lives too. But maybe I can do something to help her. Can I help her because the me she knows can't right now? I do need to get back to the Jesse I know, but- How do I do that? How do I do anything? ]

I'm starting to think that for people like us, there's no such thing as a simple or easy life. There's always going to be complications.

[ Alan sighs and scrubs his face, hating all of this. Well, all of this, but not meeting this version of Jesse. ]

It's not my place to ask, but- do you ever still feel like leaving?

Maybe this isn't a story you can plan that far out. You have to live it to know what you want... or what it needs to be. [ Jesse rolls her shoulders back to release some tension. ] This story is alive. The Dark Presence wants out of where it comes from and into our world. It's trying to use the story like that. What you need to remember is that you're a writer, and you know how stories go, and do whatever writers do when they want to change an ending. Or, maybe the ending isn't written, and it's been left open for you.

[ A nod. ] If she's involved even by mention? She's in danger.

Maybe it is helping. [ Jesse doesn't say what's truly on her mind as she feels they will simply go in circles over and over again. She's done enough of that with the Alan she knows. ] It just doesn't feel like it.

[ The corners of her mouth twinge in a bitter smile. ] It's how it ends. For now, I guess. It might pick up... someday. That's all I seem to do is wait on the things I can't control.

[ Still, a shake of her head. She'd rather talk about what he and his Jesse can do to change their outcome. It's more productive than her just bemoaning what she has to do and how much it hurts. Being upset won't change it. ]

It depends on how much you stay in this world. Covering your eyes and ears makes it a lot simpler... for most people. I wouldn't know what that's like. Jesse wouldn't know what that's like. [ The bitter smile turns softer. ] No. I don't feel that way now. I found my place in the world; where I belong and what I'm supposed to do. I even found someone like me that understands things I didn't think anyone would. I'm not giving any of that up now. Some of it just doesn't work on my time table but his.

I'm guessing it's the same for Jesse. Once she finds her place? She'll want to stay there with those people. With you--if that's what you want. We spent most of our lives being told we were wrong, or insane, so finding people that don't treat us that way is special. I could be wrong, but, I bet I'm on the mark when it comes to her.

Okay... so I have to go through the story and use the contextual clues to figure out what the ending is shaping up to be and how I can change it. If I want to change it. But, this is all theoretical: what if I brute force the ending? What if I force in the ending that I want? [ He narrows his eyes as he thinks about this. ]

That doesn't work in ordinary writing, in stories that aren't alive. Readers can tell if the flow is missing. And if this story is alive... that flow would definitely be missing. It has to fit in with the context, doesn't it? That only makes sense.

[ He ponders over this some more. ] So I have to write in an ending that works with the context and the existing story, and save Alice in the process.

[ He shakes his head. ]

I'm not a hero, I don't save people. But- I guess I'm going to have to try being one if I want this to work. And, for what it's worth, I wish that I could do something to help you too.

[ He pauses. ] Is there something that I can do? I know I'm not the guy people look to when they need help, but...

[ A flash of that resolve shows up in his eyes for the briefest of moments. ]

Covering my eyes and ears won't solve anything. I can't do that; I'm involved now. Maybe I don't feel like this is where I belong yet, but I can't just go back to pretending nothing ever happened, you know?

[ I can't say it because it feels too soon, but I want to stay with these people. With this Jesse, and the Jesse I know. Maybe I'll never see this Jesse again. Maybe I shouldn't. But I don't think I'll forget about her. ]

Maybe eventually, I'll find my place too, like you did.

[ Jesse shakes her head slightly. Not because she disagrees. She simply doesn't know the answer. Writing or creativity isn't her area. She is a blunt force--a weapon--a power house of paranatural energy. Point her at a problem and she fixes it. Ask her how to create an ending that doesn't involve her taking the reigns and forcing it to do what she wants? She won't know. ]

I'm guessing so. It's why my--the Alan I know has been stuck. He's trying to change the ending. [ Her gaze drops. ] It won't be the ending either of us want. I know that. But he... I think he's going to find out soon. Maybe it won't matter. He may not remember anything to do with us.

That might be for the best this time that he doesn't.

[ Jesse tilts her head with a frown, gaze wandering to the side. She isn't talking to Polaris. Her mind is running with the ideas and what she should do about her Alan. He's said before he would always want to remember her--but should he? Does he still feel that same way? Would he want to remember only to have to go on without her? She's at a loss of what to do.

This isn't her area. People. Relationships. How did she let herself get dragged into this?

The memory of how he holds her her comes to mind. Their foreheads pressed together. Fingers in her hair. How he can just say the right words with his ability to read her like an open book. The way his gray eyes reflect the light inside him and shimmer with that determination that only Alan Wake has.

« I don't want to lose that. I dont want to be alone in the room with the poster again. »

Still, she looks back up at this Alan. A familiar glitter comes to her eyes. That's the unique determination that Alan Wake has. The one that always brings a smile to her face. She's certain his Jesse feels the same way. ]

You'll find a way. You always do. That's what makes you who you are. You bring yourself up to the challenge and face it. No matter how scared you are.

[ Jesse's smile curves more. ] No. I'm pretty sure you know the place you want to be in. You make your own path there. Even if it's a road only you really understand? You can make it that way.

I can't imagine any scenario in which that's true. I can't imagine not wanting to remember you, not wanting to be with you. If he doesn't want those things, then...

[ He's an idiot. ]

Would it be better for you if he didn't? Would it... be easier? [ I don't think it would be, and if it was me, I'd hate it. But I can't speak for her.

He goes quiet too for a moment while she looks to the side, clearly thinking. He simply watches her, wondering what she's thinking but deciding it's best to wait for her to let him in. If she decides to. ]

When you say that, I believe it. I can't see how, or what I'm supposed to do, but you... you saying that makes me feel like I can do anything.

[ Believing in people must be a trait they both share. Both Jesses. It makes sense, they're the same person, but- it's just nice to see. ]

You must really believe in the Alan you know. He's lucky. Really lucky. And that means I'm lucky too because I met you. Both of you. Maybe not as lucky as he is, though.

[ He offers a half smile, hoping she can tell the joking nature of his words. ]

Then? [ Jesse tilts her head with her eyebrows raised. She's curious to see what Alan thinks of himself. Well, another version of himself. ] You just met Jesse and you care that much about her. She's lucky to have you when she does.

[ She frowns then. Her gaze leaves him once more as her lower lip trembles. Then, in an instant, the emotion on her face is controlled. Locked back inside. ] I hate it. I don't know if it's easier. I don't... I don't know what to do.

[ It might be believing in Alan more than people in general. Another parautlitarian. Knowing that he's already defeated the Dark Presence once and saved the world. ] You can do it. You just have to be open to the idea you can.

I do. I believe in both of you and what you can do. It's just getting you to believe in yourself. Cutting through all that negativity in your head.

[ He wasn't going to answer, because why would he insult himself? But he sees that questioning look, and he figures he might as well go for it. ]

If he decides that he doesn't want to remember you, then he's kind of an idiot. He should hold onto what he has and not let you go. Or at least, he should fight to come back to you. If I could talk to him, I'd tell him he needs to fight with everything he's got.

[ Her expression is very much a "blink and you miss it" one, but Alan catches the tail end of it before that controlled expression slides back into place. He can tell this is hard for her. ]

No one would blame you for not waiting.

[ He huffs out a dry laugh. ] Believe in myself. [ He shakes his head. ] I've never been good at that, which you've obviously figured out. I wouldn't know where to start.

[ A gentle laugh comes from her then. One that sounds more like a breath of air. It's something that's just so Alan. He would be the first person to criticize himself on how he behaves and treat others. She sighs, looking up at him, but at least a little light is back in her gaze. ]

You could try writing to him. [ She glances to the side, then nods, before returning her attention to him. ] Alan said he leaves notes to himself. Messages so he doesn't forget. Maybe it's what you could do. Not that I'm encouraging you to. Just... giving a suggestion on how you could go about it if you had to. Or, if you need to write to yourself.

[ Her hands curl in the arm of the couch underneath her. Her posture stiffens. Alan isn't wrong. No one would blame her for not waiting for her writer. Especially Alan himself. Only one person in the entire world would and that is why her lips press together to keep herself from letting those emotions that threaten to spill out of her. ]

I would. [ Jesse nods again as if to herself to confirm the suggestion. ] I couldn't move on doing what I do, knowing I just left him here.

[ She pushes herself to stand up again. Her height makes her stand shorter than him, but those green colored eyes demand his attention. There is a shimmer in her eyes that is missing in the Jesse he knows. Hands raise to rest on his elbows to pull his attention to her. ]

Then, start by listening to your Jesse. Believing in her.

... Writing to him? [ He tilts his head to one side, because that thought never occurred to him. ] It's not a bad idea, I guess. I don't know how it would help him because he's ahead of me and he already knows what he needs to do, but- maybe if I start to forget more, the notes will help. If I find them, anyway.

[ He pauses for the briefest of seconds. ] Thanks, Jesse.

[ That feeling of wanting to help her in return is steadily growing, but what can he do? He doesn't have a lot of assets at his disposal right now, and nothing that seems like it would be useful to her. Maybe he's hurting her more than he's helping. She certainly seems more upset. ]

It was just a suggestion, probably a bad one. [ He shakes his head again, but his attention is immediately drawn to her when she stands up and her hands come to rest on his elbows. ]

I have been listening, and I do believe her. But- I'll really listen now.

[ He means it, but what he's less confident about is how he'll ever begin to learn to believe in himself. But maybe that will come with time. ]

Maybe he just needs some encouragement from where he was before. [ Jesse's voice drops to a quieter tone. The brief flicker of desperation is in her gaze. What else can she do to help Alan? Projecting Polaris only works so much. She can't enter the Dark Place. She can't change the story. What else does she have left to try? ] I think if you want him to find them he will. Intent and design seem to go far with what the both of you do.

[ A nod. ] Yeah. No problem.

[ Jesse tilts her head with a skeptical but yet playful look in the eye. She can tell all of this is still too much for him. He's struggling to comphrend everything around him. The other Jesse has her work cut out for her.

« She'll rise to the challenge. It'll give her a reason to keep pushing. » ]

Just, don't jerk her around. Okay?

Encouragement... [ Alan pauses to think, because he can't imagine what he would say that would come across as encouraging to anyone, let alone his future self, who more than likely has seen things that he can barely imagine or envision. ] I guess if I was going to tell him anything, I'd say he has to do everything he can to come home to you. He can't keep you waiting; he shouldn't. And... well, that he shouldn't give up or even be tempted to give up.

[ He notes that hint of skepticism in her eyes, and a part of him wonders if he's just fooling himself... if he's just in over his head but too stubborn to admit it. Who is he kidding, thinking he can stand against dark forces or whatever the hell is going on here? He's just a guy, a writer, nothing extraordinary. But someone or something thinks he's worth trying to lure into whatever this is. And maybe Jesse- both Jesses thinks he's more than just a guy. Maybe.

Either way, who he is and what he's not doesn't have anything to do with her question that's still hanging in the air. ]

I won't. I- well, I'll do my best to avoid it. I know how much it sucks to be jerked around. I won't do it to her.

That'd probably mean more coming from himself than from anyone. I mean, who really knows you better than you? [ Jesse is aware how out of body and yet cerebral it must sound. But, no one else is going to know Alan's head better than himself. It's obvious the two still think the same even if they're on slightly different tracks. They're both still Alan Wake. ] Tell him what it is you think you'd need to hear. Not me. Write it down somewhere and it'll probably make it's way to him.

[ « I'm not sure how that will happen. Knowing Alan? He'll make it happen because it's what he wants to have happen. Us meeting him like this... here, now? That's probably the same thing. Alan wanted to reach out to Jesse. He got us instead of the one he was looking for.

Or, maybe I'm just projecting. » ]

She might not believe you at first. Just keep trying. Trust is hard--for both of us. Too many people and years trying to tell us what we think and know aren't real. You never know when someone really believes you or is just saying it. [ Her gaze softens into something like a smile. ] That's why I was excited to meet Alan at first. He was someone like me. Someone who understood how crazy and weird the world really was. It turned out to be ... a lot different than I thought it would be. All of it did.

And, he reached out to me first.

You really think so? You don't think he'd take one look at it and just toss it aside as the insane ramblings of... well, someone insane? I mean, I'm going to try it, I just think that if it was me, I might be a little skeptical. But maybe he's not so skeptical anymore, because he has some years under his belt.

[ He smiles, even if it's a small one, but he's already resolved to try and write something to his older, future self. ]

Well, if trust is hard for you, at least being stubborn is easy for me. I'm not going to stop trying. Besides, you know, I used to think that maybe I was just weird for believing a cut-off lamp switch could really scare away the things that go bump in the night. It's- kind of a long story, but I was scared of the dark growing up. Which, now that I'm thinking about it, you probably already know. Unless he never told you.

[ He looks a little surprised at that. ] He did? I wonder... No, that doesn't make sense.

[ She smiles faintly at his assessment at himself. Not in humor or pity. Just that Alan seems to be Alan no matter the time frame. It's heartwarming. It means to her that the Alan she knows hasn't lost everything he is. ]

No, he wouldn't. I'm pretty sure you know how to talk to yourself, Alan. You'll know how to put it.

[ Her smile turns gentle. The Clicker. So, Alan has always had it to some degree.

« No wonder Scratch wants it. » ] He's mentioned it, but, his memory isn't what it used to be. The story has taken a lot of it away. [ « Not the story, but, he doesn't need to know about Alan stuck in the Dark Place. » ] You were afraid of the dark but you kept trying. That determination is a good look on you.

[ An eyebrow raise. ] How does it make sense?

[ He can't help the chuckle that escapes him at those worsd from Jesse. ]

You know, most people would say talking to yourself is a sign of something, and it's not usually a sign of anything good. But I guess I'll take your word for it. [ It's strange to him to think that Jesse knows his future self well enough to know how he'd react, but it's helpful at the same time. ]

Is that what I have to look forward to too? [ His expression darkens a little; he might not be a dreamer with fanciful dreams about his future, but he doesn't like the idea of becoming trapped by the story's whims. He doesn't like the idea of losing himself, and he can imagine his future self didn't like it either. ]

You're telling me this so I don't just run away from it all, aren't you? [ Maybe it seems like a leap in conclusions, but that's the conclusion Alan's coming to. ]

If I run away from the story, from all this, it'll find a way to pull me back in. And more importantly, if I don't figure out the story and figure out how to fight back, then the story will just keep taking more of me away.

[ He shakes his head. ]

I don't want that.

[ A thoughtful look takes Alan's face as he thinks this over. It's making his head spin a little but he's trying to follow where it's going. ] If he reached out to you first, and I'm able to talk to you... [ He shakes his head once, but it's a small gesture. He's not totally disbelieving. ] I never really believed in destiny, but this can't just be coincidence.

Don't worry. Everyone said I was crazy. [ Jesse forces a smile, but it's awkward and uncomfortable. Repeating something that has been told to her again and again. A similar look has crossed the face of her younger counterpart. He may recognize it already. ] Maybe I really am.

[ Then, she shakes her head. ] I hope not. Knowing me may actually help avoid what he's run into. You two might actually make a life together. If it's what you'd both want.

I won't force anyone to stay knowing the way the world is. Neither will Jesse. We'll run away and make sure you forget we ever existed before we force someone into it. [ A glance downwards follows. ] Maybe once you're free of the story it can't pull you back in. You'd be free to do whatever you want. A normal life... here. [ Jesse nods to the apartment. ] Writing books again.

[ Her head tilts slightly, red curls coming down the side of her face. Fate? Destiny? It's nice to think about. Probably for her younger counterpart. She doubts her hand has been given so nicely. ] ...Alan mentioned once that I was made for something like this. Maybe you got the same sense and reached out to have the Jesse you know help you without realizing it. Our friend may have pulled her to you without realizing it. Sometimes, Alan, there's no real answer. Or at last one we can understand.

Edited 2024-03-28 09:20 (UTC)

If you're crazy, then I'm crazy. But I don't think you are. I don't think either of us are. [ His smile might also look a little forced as he's not really a smiling kind of guy, but he wants to reassure her. There's some kind of common ground between them, even if it's not very much, and he just feels compelled to tell her they're the same. He can't even explain where this need to put himself on the same level as her is coming from, but he can't ignore it either. ]

I just- I believe you, of course, but can events be changed just by knowing one person? The same person, just in a different place on the timeline? It's hard to swallow, if you know what I mean. But- I do know one thing: I want a life with her. I think. I- It all kind of moved so fast, but I feel like we should stick together. But maybe that's the divorce talking.

[ He shakes his head. ]

That's a whole lot of maybes. I get that no one can really know, not even you, but should I hinge everything on "maybe"? Maybe I should just keep going with it and see where it goes. [ He shrugs. ] Call me naive, but it could be exciting. Not that I ever chased after exciting, but... I know, it's probably one of those things that you can't get out of once you're in, so I should just take the chance at a normal life.

[ The choice should be easy, but Alan's finding it hard, and again, he barely understands why. ]

I figured there's no real answer, but- sometimes I just like a concrete one, you know?

Thanks. [ The comment may sound short, but there is a sparkle in her eyes that shows how she means it. ] You need to remember to tell that to Jesse. She'll be tough and lock herself down to get through this. She won't tell you how vulnerable she is... so make sure you keep an eye on her. She'll have her little ways of telling you if you're looking.

[ An inhale and a shrug. ] I don't know know. But, I trust you to find out. Alan always said not to trust what he says or does... but you're not where he's at. Maybe we can avoid that for you. Just, follow your instincts. No one knows you better than you. The same goes for your writing.

[ She gently squeezes his hand. God, she misses holding Alan's hand. She misses the one she knows. It's not her place to treat this Alan the same way. He has his own Jesse. ]

Divorce... that's different. [ She glances to the side.

« Maybe they really can avoid everything that is going on with our Alan. »] It can't be concrete when it depends on what choice you want to make. There's... a lot of different ways it can go.

Would you hang it on a "maybe" for her? Your Jesse, I mean.

[ If Alan had to use just one word to describe Jesse, either Jesse, he'd say she's like an onion. There are so many layers to her, and he wouldn't know where to begin with pulling them back. Maybe it's not his business to pull them back. Everyone's allowed to have things they keep to themselves. Her answer just then might have been short, but he thinks nothing of it. ]

I know it doesn't mean much, coming from just one person, but it's one more person than you had before, isn't it? I hope your Alan said it to you too. [ If he didn't, then he's tempted to find a way to kick his ass until he tells her. Well, he's not really tempted to do that; it's one of those things that he should realize on his own, but the idea still remains. ]

So pay attention is what you're telling me. Pay attention and remember. [ He'll do his best, but a part of him wonders if he'll be able to do what she's told him to. The least he can do is try. ]

This could go wrong very fast, huh? But I get it, I have to keep trying. I'm involved now, I can't just stop. I won't stop.

[ He squeezes her hand in return, thinking how easy that feels. How natural it feels. Maybe he shouldn't like it, because she has her own Alan out there somewhere, but it feels right. ]

Yeah... Divorce. Me and Alice, we weren't really seeing eye to eye. I want us to stay together, but it looks like she has other ideas. Not that I can blame her.

[ He goes quiet for a second as he thinks about what she's telling him, trying to process it all. ]

You know what? I would. Just call me crazy, but I would.

He might of said something like it once. [ Her green eyes cast down again. ] We've been around so many times that some things are just lost in the loops. I'm not sure how much he even knows I'm trying to reach him. He's probably forgotten it.

[ Still, she squeezes his hand in return once more. If anything she can inspire this Alan to fight more to get back to his Jesse. She falls silent at the comment of wanting to be with Alice. It's not jealousy or anger that flares on her face. A form of quiet acceptance. Alan will always want to be with Alice--she's his other half. ]

Don't drag her on. [ Her tone is flat, almost like a warning of some kind. ] She'll pick up on how much you want to be with Alice and she'll back away. Make sure the two of you have the space to be together without her interfering. She... we won't stay somewhere we doesn't belong.

[ Jesse pauses then as Polaris tugs on her mind. She stands, walking around him. A hand holds out and the Service Weapon appears. A few steps into the hallway and she hears voices. Footsteps--from beyond the front door. She quietly steps up to the door and waits, trying to discern what the voices are saying.

« I know that voice. I've heard it before. Where have I heard it? » ]

Edited 2024-03-31 18:41 (UTC)

He knows. He has to know. [ Don't ask him how he knows that or how he can say that with such conviction. ] He can't be so far gone that he's forgotten you or that you're trying to reach him. [ Why do I feel like she'd do anything to reach him? She has done everything to reach him. He can't just forget about her.

His fingers curl around hers as if he doesn't want to let go. He should let go; he shouldn't even be holding her hand because he's not her Alan. She'd probably rather be holding his hand anyway, and yet he can't bring himself to let go. ]

You get it, right? I love Alice, but we're not good for each other. We're not good together. [ His brow furrows in frustration as he tries to explain it to her, tries to explain how he feels. ] I don't want to drag anyone on. I don't want to drag this on. Splitting up with Alice gives her the chance to be happy.

[ I can't make her happy anymore, but maybe she'll be happy without me. Could I be happy with Jesse? It's too soon to know.

He focuses back on the present when he realizes Jesse is moving around, away from him. Her weapon appears in her hand and instantly, he's on the alert. She steps out into the hallway, and he follows a few paces behind her, but he's not quite sure what's going on. Something caught her attention, that much is obvious. ]

What is it?

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