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synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
oceanview || ❝ hold hands with my demons and creatures of night. ❞
Someone who can hear me and drink from the light
To see things from the same side
Is there anybody out there?
no subject
He had thought about that before. Maybe the Dark Presence wormed its way inside him too at some point. Maybe he wasn't infected by the Hiss, and maybe he wasn't one of the Taken, but he must be something, if the resonance worked on him. That's a thought he hasn't explored in full yet, and maybe he doesn't want to.
But before his thoughts can spiral off into yet another endless train of meanderings and mutterings, he realizes that a page has been set on the table in front of him. This time, Jesse's words register in full and not in bits and pieces, and he realizes that she is asking if he wrote the words on the page. She isn't the first person to ask that, but unlike the previous time, he hasn't gone off into a fit of repetitive muttering.
He scans the page quickly, but not so quickly that the words don't sink in. They do, and more than he would like. ]
He stepped outside, off the pier, and into the dark water, a sinking pinprick of light, descending toward a bottom that never came.
[ He reads the words aloud, feeling as though he recognizes them. But did he write them? The urge to grab hold of his hair again and hide his face surfaces. Why can't he remember? ]
I'm... I'm trying to remember. [ And speaking of trying to remember, he turns his attentions from the page back to Jesse. ] Have we met? We have, haven't we? [ At least, she called him Alan, which must mean something. ]
no subject
She watches his gaze move across the paper before looking down at it once more. He narrates it, just as he had over the Hotline. There's no mistaking that it's really the Alan Wake.
« You get a feel for people once they've talked in your head. And he's definitely the same feeling as before. Maybe just a bit more paranoid instead of dramatic. Not that I can talk, I know paranoia. »]
If you can't right now that's fine. [ She leans back in the chair. ] People usually are disorienated after they've... come back like you have.
[ « Using the terminology of the Bureau here isn't probably the best idea. »
His next questions make her smile--a little. Just enough to make it seem like she is. Jesse has never been one for exaggerated expressions. ]
I was going to ask if you recognized me. [ She shifts in the chair slightly. ] Knew what I looked like.
So... do you know who I am?
no subject
I- Well, there's a lot going on. [ Belatedly, he realizes that statement might not make much sense, so he points to his head. ] Up here. [ Is this real? Or is this all something that he wrote in yet another attempt at escaping? ]
But you said "come back". [ That makes him question things even more, on top of making him feel even more suspicious. ] Do you know where I've been?
[ When she puts forward her own question, he leans forward a little as if that will allow him to see her better. ]
It's going to sound insane, but- yes. [ And it's just one of many things that makes no sense at all. ]
no subject
[ There's a lot that goes on in her own head. The constant back and forth with Polaris would make others go insane. But, her friend has been there most of her life at this rate. She wouldn't have found Dylan without Polaris. It hasn't been perfect, but it's led to something better. ]
I'm not exactly sure the name of the place you were in. [ She pauses, trying to figure out how she could begin to even explain. ] There's... a place you have a chance of going. It's like a motel, with doors? And each door has a symbol.
[ Her finger raises and she draws the spiral in the air--the spiral on the door she saw him behind. ]
That was the door you were behind. [ She sits up straight and leans forward. ] Not to mention we found a page you wrote in that motel. One that said you were trapped somewhere. I'm not sure if it really rings any bells, but... it wasn't hard to put things together.
[ Jesse smiles at that. A little one, but, more of one than she had before. ]
Well, it'll help check your memory I guess, so... what's my name?
no subject
He huffs out a laugh, and it feels strange as if it's the first time in years that he's laughed at anything. ]
If all I was behind was a door, I would've walked through that door a long time ago. Maybe. I don't even know what year it is. [ Oh, that was an admission he didn't intend to make. But it's made and he can't call it back now. ]
Well, if you're who I think you are, it's not surprising that you put things together. Director.
[ That's not answering the question about her name, but he's working up to that. ]
It's Faden, isn't it? [ If he didn't have something to back him up, he wouldn't have even ventured a guess or go as far as to say that he's confident in his answer. But he is, and so he just plows on ahead. ]
no subject
« This is going to be harder than I thought. » ]
So, the doors aren't exactly like a normal door. But, this really isn't the place to talk about that. [ Not with the normal agents listening. They'd be stupid not to be listening somewhere. ] I don't think you even knew I was able to look through that door and see you. At least, you never acknowledged it.
[ « But there were definitely things that we need to ask him about. Who was it he was talking to--was it really Thomas Zane? And, the details about the AWE. Not to mention what he can really do. There's... a lot. »
The smile widens just a bit, but it seems she's suppressing it to some degree. ]
Jesse. [ A nod. ] I'm not really into formalities. Though, Director if you have to. >[ She pauses, wondering if she should refer to him by his first name still now that she has his attention. ] Which means I'm sure you'll be piecing together certain things once you readjust to being back in our dimension.
[ As to the other question. Her gaze drops and she frowns. Hopefully it won't send him back into a spiral. ]
It's...2023. [ Jesse looks down slightly. ] It's been thirteen years since you disappeared here in Bright Falls, Washington.
no subject
You're telling me. [ Because again, if it was as simple as walking through a door, he would not have had to go through all the trouble of writing and rewriting and writing again to find a way out. ] But to answer your question, I never figured out that you saw me. [ It wasn't something that ever occurred to him as a possibility. Granted, he had other things on his mind, but that prospect never even entered his thoughts. ]
Jesse, then. I- Well, I guess I don't do formalities either. [ Not that he has any particular titles, not like she does. ] About that. How do I-
[ He stops there, because whatever answer he was expecting, he wasn't necessarily prepared for it. ]
Thirteen years. [ He isn't about to spiral, at least not in the way he had before, but his mind is back to racing with thoughts about all the implications of that. If this truly is real, and not something he wrote, then he's out, finally free of the Dark Place. But then, where is Alice? What has she been doing this whole time?
Of course, the bigger question remains: can he believe that this is true? How exactly he's supposed to determine that, even he doesn't know. All he's been focused on is finding a way out. He didn't think about what would happen if he actually got out.
And the bigger question beyond that is what to do about the Dark Presence, which is still very much a thing? ]
Maybe we shouldn't talk about things here. [ The agents are most likely listening, and the questions Alan has are ones he doesn't particularly want being overheard. ] What are the chances of them just letting me walk out of here? [ Something tells him those chances aren't very high. That's just his luck. ]
no subject
I'm not surprised to hear that.
[ Given how he was so desperate to get out--how the conversation went with "Zane." She felt it was more a peek behind the curtain than anything else. ]
Really? Best selling author Alan Wake doesn't do formalities. [ An eyebrow raises but something in her tone suggests she is joking. ] Funny, I thought you'd at least prefer your last name.
Yeah. Thirteen years.
[ She can agree there are things to discuss and none of them here. But, because she's not interfering with the FBI, she can't very well just take him to New York to the Oldest House. Maybe they could go for a walk of something when the morning settles in. ]
I'm not really sure what they're investigating other than the disappearance of an old FBI agent. You probably have some idea of what I'm the Director for, and that is more concerned about Bright Falls.
For now.
I'd get some sleep if you can. Then, we can ask the hard hitting questions once the sun is up.
no subject
[ Thirteen years trying to get out of a nightmare dimension does things to your priorities. Or something like that. ]
And they think I'm connected to that. They mentioned something like that before- [ Before he dissolved into a slew of crazy sounding babble. ] Now that you mention it... I'm concerned about Bright Falls too.
[ Something's happening. No, something's happening again, and... you have been warned.
For just a second, Alan's hands move to clasp both sides of his head. Stop. Stop the muttering. The noise. Go away.
A second later, he focuses back in on what Jesse's saying. Something about getting sleep, and asking questions later. ]
Sleep? I can't sleep. As in, I don't. [ Sleep is where the nightmares roam around and it also happens to be where he feels most vulnerable. Not that he'll be admitting that at all. ]
no subject
[ « You're never the same after something like this. It stays with you. Even if isn't a part of an alien dimension or a entity. You can never see the world the same again. The poster goes back to the wall, but you always know something is behind it. You never go back to just a room with a poster. » ]
Well, they found you near a sight of investigation. Not to mention you've been missing for a long time. I can't blame them for being suspicious.
[ She stands then with a smirk. ]
I'm sure you're curious about it. Given that's the last place you were in was Brighr Falls.
[ She nods as Anderson looks in the room. ]
We'll talk more in the morning. I've taken enough of Agent Anderson's time right now.
I'm sorry if my early questions were difficult, Mr. Wake. Let me start over. My name is Agent Saga Anderson, and this is my partner Agent Casey...
[ Jesse steps aside then out of the room and closes the door behind her. Casey shoots her another glower from over the rim of his cup, while Steve smiles tiredly at her. She motions for Casey to take her place before she begins to move from the room. She nudges Steve to join her as she walks. ]
Is that really him, Ma'am? The Alan Wake? From the AWE case in '10?
It looks like it. I'll ask him more questions in the morning. Foe now, let's head back to the motel. Oh, and Steve?
Yes, Ma'am?
Remember to sleep with the light on.
Already ahead of you, Director. Even bought myself a nightlight.
[ Morning comes without much of a fuss, but, Jesse can't say she slept well. Knowing what she does of the Bright Falls AWE makes her on edge when night comes. There's no evidence just yet that the threshold is active. But, if Wake is back from that other dimension? It has to be active, somewhere. Which means she needs to get in contact with their agent here in Bright Falls.
Although Chavez isn't available until the afternoon.
It's fine, it gives her more of a chance to talk to Wake and get a better understanding of everything. There's documents about what happened thirteen years ago... and then there's talking to the man himself.
She's glancing over the documents e-mailed to her by Emily. Of course, Emily can't e-mail directly from the Oldest House, so they're scanned e-mails, but its enough for Jesse to know what she's looking at and refreshing her mind on. People, names, places. The exact events of the AWE seem to all be accounts from people around Alan, and they're scarce at best.
Jesse glances up from leaning against the car with a nod to Anderson and Casey as they leave the cabin. She decides to speak with Anderson, communicating that she needs more time with Wake for her own agency's documentation, but if they need to speak with him more then she can wait. Casey seems to like that idea, but Anderson agrees they can wait. There's something else it seems the agent wants to figure out...
She watches as the pair walk off and glances up at the cabin beside her.
« Well, want to let him know we're here? I thought you would. »
Wherever Wake might be, he may feel a familiar nudge. Similar to what he experienced the night before. As well as a feeling that maybe he should head outside in the morning light. If he's paying particular attention, he may even see a shimmer that hints the direction he should go. ]
no subject
I wish I could say that wasn't intentionally, but I don't even know that. [ What he does know seems scattered at best, and incredibly vague at worst. Or maybe it's just all incredibly vague. ]
I guess I have interrogations to look forward to. [ He sighs and leans back in the chair he's sitting in. Truthfully, in a way, Jesse and any interrogations she might carry out feel preferable to whatever the FBI agents are going to come at him with. Jesse knows things. The FBI agents know things too, but it's a different kind of knowing. And the subject matter is very different. One offers familiarity, in a way. The other.... well, it does't offer anything that Alan particularly wants. ]
See you in the morning, I guess. [ If he makes it that far.
Once Jesse's gone and the agents return, Alan steels himself for whatever Agent Anderson wants to try and pry from him. He answers as honestly as he can, even if his recollections are patchy and scattered, but he can tell she isn't really satisfied with his responses. Is it lying or simply obscuring the truth? Dodging the questions with carefully formed responses... Is it for the best?
It's a wild world out there, and he imagines that Agent Anderson has not really seen just how wild it can be.
Eventually, though, it grows darker, and while he does his best to not show signs of it, Alan feels tired. The agents certainly are. But they have the luxury of going to sleep and not having to worry about what creeps about in the darkness. Despite the things parents tell their kids, there are things that go bump in the night. There are things that reach out to grab and steal and pull away.
It's those things that Alan does not wish to see. But even he can't put off sleep forever. He thinks he might have managed it in the Dark Place, but things did not work the way they should in that hellish dimension. Here in what seems to be the real world, sleep is harder to dodge, and although it takes several hours, it finally manages to drag Alan down into some kind of restless slumber.
Eventually, however, he wakes from said slumber just as light begins to creep in through the cracks in the curtains, pulling him out of the sleep he reluctantly got. He doesn't remain where he is (he may or may not have fallen asleep in the chair) for long, as a familiar sort of nudge registers then. Already he associates it with Jesse, because he felt the same nudge when she was in the room the previous night. Perhaps he shouldn't trust it, but something tells him he should just follow the nudges and the weird kind of shimmer that apparently only he can see.
Wehn he steps out of the cabin and into the open air and the light, he blinks a few times until his eyes adjust. At least it looks safe enough, but appearances can be deceiving. But nothing's snatched at him yet or tried to kill him, so he considers that a win. ]
no subject
[ Jesse looks up from the folder in her hands once Steve speaks. There's a half smile she's known for and the shimmer dissipates around her. A glance is sent to the agent beside her. ]
Steve, Mr. Alan Wake. Wake, this is Steve, my right hand ranger. He helped me on the... little adventure you sent me on.
I'm not sure I'd forget that ugly bastard. I've seen what... [ Steve feels Jesse's hard stare at him. Then, he clears his throat. ] Not that it matters.
What Steve means to say is he's more uniquely trained with hands on experience for the kind of weird Bright Falls has. [ She pushes herself from the car and reaches I'm for a store bought thermos. She holds it out to Alan. ] Coffee to help keep you going. I figure maybe we can do a walk and then get breakfast.
no subject
Steve, right hand ranger. [ He nods, as if filing this information away in his mind. ] Uh- [ He vaguely remembers bits and pieces of things, such as trying to reach out to Faden, writing about Faden, writing things that made things happen to Faden. Should he apologize? Perhaps. ] Sorry.
[ Baby steps, right? Admitting that maybe he caused a lot of trouble in his efforts to escape is the first step. Or something. ]
Thanks. [ He wasn't expecting anything from her, but the coffee was a nice gesture, even if he wonders what she wants from him and what her motives are. ]
So, where are we headed?
no subject
And he had been in the other dimension for thirteen years. ]
Dealing with weird shit is our job, Mr. Wake. There's weirder out there than that.
[ Jesse nods, but she figures she can talk over the details with Wake on her own. On their walk. Is that weird? She feels maybe other Directors didn't take a hands on approach like her, but, she is the outlier for a reason. ]
It's fine. [ « Though it would be nice not to have someone else orchestrate my life. I'm not much of a fan of someone controlling destiny or whatever. » ] I imagine we would of had to deal with it sooner rather than later.
There's a small pond over there. I figured a walk could help... you could answer my questions and I answer a few of yours. While our friends in the FBI are grabbing breakfast.
That Casey is a piece of work, Director.
Yeah, well, that would track right. [ Jesse shrugs and gives a glance over to Alan to see if he's caught on just o who she thinks Casey is. Or, might be. Whatever. ] Keep an eye out, Steve. Let me know when our friends come back.
Yes, Ma'am!
[ Jesse nods and then motions for Alan to join her. She has a decent passed stride, but tries to keep it leisure so he can take his time. The envelope is under her arm still as she looks at the path ahead. ]
I'm guessing there's things you want to know from me. So... you first.
no subject
For him, it all boils down to not knowing where to start. What happened to Alice? How does he prevent anyone else from getting dragged into the Dark Place? How does he stop the Dark Presence from meddling with things on this side of the door? And then there's the more mundane worries too. Where is he going to live? What will he do for work?
Hell, maybe he can find a job in a diner. Poor Rose. ]
I know, I've seen it. And, well, most of that weirder shit is best staying there and not here. [ But the walls are thin; thinner than people realize or want to realize. Could he make it so that the walls aren't so thin? No, that's a ridiculous thought. He can't make something into reality that doesn't exist. And more importantly, does he want to tempt fate that much? ]
What are the buzzwords people use? Autonomy? Respect? You could throw the book at me for not doing that. [ He offers a dry sort of laugh then. ] Throw the book. That's funny. [ Maybe it's not. It probably isn't. He's just trying to be normal when he feels anything but.
Pin the book on the writer. No, stop that. ] Did you say Casey?
[ That has to be a coincidence. Only, there are no coincidences. But he follows along after Jesse, trying to get the bizarre stream of consciousness thoughts in his head to shut up for a minute. ]
I have questions. A lot of them, actually. You probably don't have time to listen to all of them. [ Or any of them. ]
no subject
Steve nods in agreement to Alan's statement, but ultimately leans back against the car with his arms folded. He's a younger man, a bit shorter, with trimmed black hair and looks like he should of been in the military instead of a federal agency. By looking at him, one wouldn't guess he fought a nine foot plus tall hunched over monster that was once a therapist. ]
I'm pretty sure I know a book club that would be upset if I threw a book.
[ Especially a legendary book like the Alex Casey series.
Speaking of Casey. A Casey. Jesse waits until they are more than a few feet away from Steve before she begins talking. ]
Agent Alex Casey, FBI. [ She opens the envelope she hadn't expected to yet. With a few flips she finds the photocopy of the document she was looking for. ] He made contact with the Bureau in 2017 asking for information and files on Bright Falls... and more specifically the author that went missing, Alan Wake. [ She glances over at him. ] It looks like they gave him heavily redacted information about what we collected on the event. Which, by the way, we refer to what you experienced and caused an Altered World Event--AWE.
[ She glances over the other photocopy printed versions of documents in her hands. Maybe it'll be best to go through them as he brings them up. ]
We'll fit as many as we can in now and the rest another time. [ « If we ever get another chance. » ] How about a question for a question? We take turns, establish a base line. There's some answers I'd like too, but, you might not be able to answer them.
[ So, maybe she should start. ] That little "adventure" you sent me on. You sent me messages--not generic ones, but ones that felt like they were for me specifically. What... exactly do you know about me?
[ « Rather, what does he know about us? He mentioned you too, remember? My guiding star. What exactly does he know--or can he remember? » ]
no subject
[ Well, in all fairness, no one knows he needs to get over himself better than him. And that's part of why he wishes he had more time to compartmentalize and process before being thrust into interacting with people and their questions again, even if said people get it and understand the sheer weirdness of all this. ]
The key word is throwing it at me. I couldn't even say it's not deserved. And that's not asking for platitudes. [ He's keenly aware that he took missteps a lot before his disappearance in his personal and public life, and even managed to do that a few times in the Dark Place. Overreaching, some might call it.
But he stops talking so he can better listen and try to understand what Jesse is telling him as she begins to explain Agent Casey and several other things. ] That name is interesting. It's almost too coincidental. [ Alan isn't sure that he believes in coincidences anymore. ] But knowing someone with the FBI, he probably isn't content with just redacted files and getting half the information. [ Which, he assumes, is what he's doing here: ferreting around to see what else he can find that isn't being kept back by the FBC. That, and he, Alan Wake, is a convenient bystander. Well, a bystander who is more involved than he wishes he was. ]
Sounds fair enough, a question for a question. [ Part of him recoils at the idea, because depending on what her questions are, he knows he may not want to answer. But he's a writer and has a decent command over words and what to say and how to say it, if he can say so himself. ]
They... They were for you specifically. [ A writer needed a hero. ]
I... I don't know much, actually. I know your name, and... [ He knows small details, vague ones, and nothing that tells him anything about her as a person. ] I know you're not ordinary.
no subject
[ Especially given she can throw things. With her mind. ]
I'm thinking it's something more than fate or something like that.
[ « More like "I think you bent reality to bring your detective to life." But, that'd probably weird him out even more... and not to mention probably out the fact I read his novels. »
Which, she only read them after the whole mess with Hartman. If they were getting an AWE signal from the future, and the Alan Wake contacted her over the Hotline? She figured it was a good idea to do some research. Which is another reason she came to Bright Falls. She wanted understand the AWE in the 70s and 2010 in and out.
Her eyes widen slightly at his answer. Then, she bites the inside of her mouth and looks to the side. For her? Sure, tue Hotline had given her several messages. Darling reached out once, Trench's last thoughts echoed through it, and then whenever the Boars felt like being particularly annoying they'd contact her. This feels different though. Even if it was just narrating a manuscript he wrote.
You're special.
Her first reaction is a gut reaction. No she's not. Even if she can do what other Directors couldn't. Polaris is the reason she can--their bond. Everything is because of that AWE when she was a kid... that doesn't make her special. It makes her the right sort of crazy and weird.
Jesse closes the folder and hopes her embarrassment doesn't show. That'd be the last thing she'd need. ]
I'm from Ordinary. Maine. [ A nod, trying to be clever and play off his words. A writer would appreciate that, right? ] I went through something like you did... but as a kid. It didn't make me special. Just... crazy.
[ She gestures with her hand as she feels Polaris shift.
« Wait--do you think this is amusing? Why?! » ]
Your turn.
no subject
[ He thinks he's insane, and there's so many layers that he hasn't even begun to think about, let alone unpack about his regrets and everything else. ]
Fate? Ha. [ He laughs, and it's a dry, raspy sound. He knows it can't be fate or coincidence or anything random. He did it. Wake was desperate. He would try just about anything if it gave even the slightest chance or opening for him to find is way out. Perhaps Wake didn't mean to do it, but the deed was done. The narration buzzes in his head again and he tries to swat it away with the hand that's still holding the thermos he hasn't opened.
Too late, he realizes that Jesse is still there, and that she most likely saw him swat at empty air. He coughs and frowns, because the rasp in his voice isn't simply because he's forgotten the taste of water. But rather than focus on yet another thing he needs to face, he focuses on Jesse again and on her reaction to him saying what he knows about her. ]
From Ordinary, but not ordinary. You're anything but. [ Don't ask him how he knows that, or how he can speak about that so confidently. Faden was made for this. ] You're not crazy. How do I know that?
[ He points to himself. He's crazy. He jumps at shadows and hears his own voice narrating his actions in his head. How is that anything but crazy?
But then she points out that it's his turn to ask a question, and there's only one thing- one person he can ask about right now. ]
Alice. Do you know where she is? [ Is she alright? ]
no subject
« Thinking that no one else in the world could ever understand what you've been through. That it's so impossible and so abnormal no one could begin to comprehend. I was like that for a long time. You know that--you even tried to help in your own way. Now, I guess, it's my turn to help someone else. Really show how I'm going to change what it is to be the Director. He's not going to be left in the dark like I was. Well, a different dark anyways. » ]
Mr. Wake.
Alan.
[ Jesse stops then. She turns to him, envelope under one arm, and the other at her side. The only thing on her face is a look of understanding. ] I don't think you're insane or crazy. No more than I think I am. I know what this is like for you. That's why I'm here. I could of sent any ranger or any agent to do this job. But, I chose to come here. I'm not the same as other Directors. I'm not going to let people who experience what we do be alone in that.
[ « Maybe showing him would be better? Or, telling him about you. Maybe its too soon for that. » ]
I might be a girl from Ordinary who isn't so ordinary anymore, but, I'm just as crazy as you are.
[ He would ask about Mrs. Wake. He's married. There's almost a sting of bitterness at the realization. They might be alike, but he actually had a life. A career, a wife, a home. She never had those... couldn't trust people enough to have them. ]
Back in 2017, the Buearu brought her in for questioning on her own request. She was having nightmares about someone wearing her ex-husband's face chasing her in the dark. Every morning she'd wake up with the bulbs in the hallway broken. [ She frowns. ] After they brought her in... Hartman noticed. They got her out before she even was aware of it, but his rampage caused them to close down the Investigations Sector. Ever since, she's been under care and watch in a classified place. She's living her life still. The previous Director hadn't stopped her from that, and neither have I.
[ She shifts side to side then. ]
She, uhm, released a film about you. And her. I haven't seen it, but, she was quoted in saying she did it to show the world what you were really like. There was rumors about you, I guess. Mass murderer, psychopath, those sorts of things. At least, that's what I found in records back in the Oldes--the FBC.
no subject
And maybe Alan should simply try to put his harrowing experiences behind him and find a way to live in the world again. Easier said than done, however. It felt as though the dark was still very much around him, and he was alone in it. If only he could just let someone in. ]
Director.
[ The pull of the Dark Place might be still tugging on him, but he retains enough awareness to still know that she is talking to him. ]
Tell me something, if you don't mind. Humor me, I guess. [ She says she knows what this is like, but he wants to find that out for himself. ] How did you become who you are now? [ Belatedly, he realizes he has asked two questions, but she isn't obligated to answer this one. ] If you knew... if you'd seen what it was like there... [ He shakes his head again. ] No, you're better off not knowing.
[ The things that haunted him and still haunt him now are best left unsaid. No one needs to even imagine the things he's experienced. ]
For what it's worth, I- I appreciate that you came. [ Even if it turns out that there's nothing she can do. At least for the moment, he's not alone. He spent so long in the Dark Place with no one for company but nightmares come to life. Jesse might not know all the details, but she's here, isn't she? That does mean something to him. ]
You don't seem crazy. I mean, you're the Director, and that means that you can do things other people can't. But- [ He cuts himself off there, because she doesn't need him dumping his problems onto her.
Alice. Focus on Alice. Then you can answer more of her questions.
But as Jesse begins to explain what she knows about Alice, Alan's expression changes. First it's impassive, but then it gradually shifts to one of something like fear. There's a little sadness there too, but he would hide that if he could.
He doesn't even know what's worse, the fact that Alice was hounded by nightmares of a man that looked like him but wasn't, or that she had another near-brush with Hartman again. And he feels both happy and sad to learn that she is out there somewhere living her life. He's glad for her, but sad for himself, because he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to do the same.
Jesse, it seems, isn't finished, and she adds on more information about the film Alice made. For his part, Alan isn't sure how he should feel about this. Mass murderer, psychopath... Wake knew those words weren't wrong, at least not technically. The Dark Place had changed him, perhaps permanently. If all it took to sway the opinions of the general public was a video created by Alice- no, Wake knew it wasn't that simple.
Again, Alan shakes his head, a little harder this time as if that will dislodge and drive away the intrusive thoughts in his mind. ]
She's alive, and hopefully happy. That's- Well, that's all I could really hope for.
[ So why does he feel worse now than before? ]
Uh... So what do you want to know?
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« Director, huh? So much for first name basis. »
It stings in the same way that asking about his wife does. Not that she had romantic notions or inclinations. She supposes, if anything, maybe she had her hopes up in finally meeting someone like her. Someone that wasn't dead, or in coma like her brother.
A ghost of a smile touches he's her face at his appreciation. It's something at least. She doesn't answer his question about her right away. Namely because she feels he needs to process what he can about his wife. Ex-wife.
« That's probably enough questions for now. I imagine anything he could remember thirteen years ago is foggy. Waiting is probably our best action... and maybe someone asking him that isn't me. » ]
Once things have settled down, I can arrange you meeting her. If you want... so you can decide where to go from here.
[ He probably doesn't want anything to do with the Buearu and by extension, her. She can't blame him. A faceless government agency is intrusive of a thought even without their weird capabilities. ]
You wanted to know how I became who I am. Right?
[ « Well, are you ready? ... Good. »
Jesse holds out the hand at her side. She waits for him to extend his hand and then holds her palm above his. A slight energy can be felt, in fact the same vibration from the night before. Except this time it's faint and even calm. ]
I'm sure you don't want all the details, Wake. But, I met someone you already know about. You called "her" my "guiding star." It's a good description of "her."
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Why did Wake call Faden Director? Did he subconsciously recognize that he felt lost and needed direction? Wake frowned, because after all the things he had already made happen to her, it wasn't fair to saddle her with something else she hadn't asked for. No, Wake thought that he needed to find his own direction, and he couldn't ask Faden for help.
A part of him wants to ask Jesse for help, at least in the sense of giving him something to do. He has no career, not anymore. Could he possibly find a job within the Bureau? That feels like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, but maybe he could be a janitor cleaning floors at night. That's safe, isn't it? He can't cause a crisis of reality with a mop.
Something in his mind rebels at the thought of trying to put a plan in place for his future. There's so much he needs to figure out: living and work arrangements are just part of it. What happened to his bank accounts? Does he even have any assets anymore? The thought of all the things he needs to work out makes him want to run. Except running isn't a viable option, not here in the real world. ]
I don't- It's probably not safe for her to meet me. [ I won't be the reason she gets put in harm's way again. And there's no "where" for me to go to. ]
Yes. Yeah, I want to know that. If you want to tell me.
[ He has to push down the urge to recoil when she holds out her hand. She isn't going to hurt him, or come at him with an axe or knife or any of the other things he's been threatened with before. But it takes a monumental effort on his part to return the gesture, extending his own hand beneath hers. ]
I- It sounds familiar. She sounds familiar. [ There's so many things running around in circles in his mind that it's difficult to zero in on specific things he's written about, but this feels familiar somehow. ] What is that? That resonance. What does it do?
[ It snapped him out of his psychobabble, but he figures that's not what it's meant for. ]
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If he did ask for help? She'd do what she could--and so would Polaris it seems. Jesse can't put her exact finger on it, but is seems Polaris sees him as an...alley? A similar sort of person? She can't get the words right in her own head from her friend, so maybe, she's missing some sort of information. Information about the dimension that Alan was in. Which means she'd need to question him more about it.
« He can barely put an entire string of thought together, let alone be interviewed about what happened. We're going to have to wait. » ]
Okay. Got it. No meetings.
[ She nods, but wonders if he'll change his mind eventually.
« Do I want to tell him? It's... things are complicated when it comes to it. Only a handful of people really know what happened in Ordinary. Should I really trust him with that? I mean, it's not like there's much he can do if he can't create AWEs, right? But, it's not just that. It's about me. Jesse Faden, not Director Faden. »
Polaris shimmers in her mind.
« I know, I know. Asking him about his time in a dimension is asking him just to be as vulnerable as he's asking me to be. It's just that... it never really worked out before. Telling people. Emily knows, but she's in the FBC. He's apart of this world too now, but even then it's... do I really show someone who is drowning how much I failed others before? »
Jesse nods to what he is saying even as she battles internally--rather with Polaris--about sharing the details of her past. Polaris seems to encourage it, as if she is looking to forge another ally. That in itself doesn't make much sense to her at all. Why would Polaris need another ally? What is going on in that dimension that Alan was trapped in? Even with that all aside, Jesse still isn't sure she should open up as much as she's being asked to. ]
Polaris. At least, that's the name I gave her. [ « A name you don't seem to mind. » ] She resonates... brings things in line with her frequency. Which, I think is why she can help, but not really remove whatever is going on with you. If there is anything really going "on."
[ Polaris' resonance is gentle, like a shifting energy moving back and forth. It doesn't try to intrude further on Alan or pull him in. It only exists as is, inhabiting the entire space around Jesse. A keen observer would pick up on the fact that it's not just around her but from her. ]
I can do what I can because of her. Just like you can do...whatever it is you can do because of your time at Bright Falls. [ Or, something like that. She isn't exactly sure what Alan can do other than bend reality to some degree. ] There are people that the Bureau calls "parautalitarians"--people that can use paranatural forces. Like you and me. I think that Polaris and things like her gravitate to people like us.
Not that I really have any proof of it.
[ Polaris shimmers once more as if to confirm what Jesse is suggesting. A shimmer so bright that even Alan may see it around her. ]
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You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Forget that I asked. [ The words slide out before he can stop them, as soon as he realizes that she is hesitating. It was wrong for him to ask her, because why should she trust him with anything, let alone something so personal? If the situation was reversed, would he want to tell her in detail about everything that had happened following his dive into Cauldron Lake?
He needed to tell someone sooner or later, as all of it was eating him alive even now, but was now the right time to do it? Was Jesse the right person to hear it? Maybe he should simply take those secrets to his grave.
But if telling Jesse, the Bureau, someone information about the Dark Place helped stop more bad things from happening, didn't he have the obligation to? While Jesse has her own internal debate with Polaris, Alan's free hand lifts to grip his head for a second or two, as if the action will help clear the cascade of thoughts and questions and worries falling around in his mind. If only there was something he could do to clear the storm in his head.
Wake needed to write. No. No writing. Never again, not when it's his writing that makes things happen. His words cause trouble even when he doesn't intend them to. ]
Polaris. It's a good name. [ He hasn't smiled in who knows how long, but his lips twitch as if they want to smile now. Her guiding star. Polaris is the North Star. Guiding people on their way. It is the star to every wand'ring bark. It all makes sense, at least in Alan's mind. ] I'm glad that you're together, if that's the right way to describe it. It both is and isn't, isn't it? You're together, but the resonance comes from you too. It started with her, but now it's part of you.
[ He is still wary of opening himself up to things he can't explain, and maybe he doesn't fully trust Polaris, but she feels welcoming somehow. The Dark Presence took him over, wanted to swallow him, used him. He can't explain why he thinks Polaris is different, only that he feels different whens he picks up on that swirling, shifting energy. ]
She gave you something useful. [ He might call it a gift, but may be Jesse doesn't see it that way. He wouldn't presume to know what she might be thinking about her bond, her connection with Polaris. In contrast, he isn't sure how useful his own abilities are. ] You have theories, and theories can become proof.
[ He's not entirely sure where he's going with that train of thought, and he stops thinking about it, as Polaris has very thoroughly managed to distract him with her shimmer. ]
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