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synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
oceanview || ❝ hold hands with my demons and creatures of night. ❞
Someone who can hear me and drink from the light
To see things from the same side
Is there anybody out there?
no subject
And he had been in the other dimension for thirteen years. ]
Dealing with weird shit is our job, Mr. Wake. There's weirder out there than that.
[ Jesse nods, but she figures she can talk over the details with Wake on her own. On their walk. Is that weird? She feels maybe other Directors didn't take a hands on approach like her, but, she is the outlier for a reason. ]
It's fine. [ « Though it would be nice not to have someone else orchestrate my life. I'm not much of a fan of someone controlling destiny or whatever. » ] I imagine we would of had to deal with it sooner rather than later.
There's a small pond over there. I figured a walk could help... you could answer my questions and I answer a few of yours. While our friends in the FBI are grabbing breakfast.
That Casey is a piece of work, Director.
Yeah, well, that would track right. [ Jesse shrugs and gives a glance over to Alan to see if he's caught on just o who she thinks Casey is. Or, might be. Whatever. ] Keep an eye out, Steve. Let me know when our friends come back.
Yes, Ma'am!
[ Jesse nods and then motions for Alan to join her. She has a decent passed stride, but tries to keep it leisure so he can take his time. The envelope is under her arm still as she looks at the path ahead. ]
I'm guessing there's things you want to know from me. So... you first.
no subject
For him, it all boils down to not knowing where to start. What happened to Alice? How does he prevent anyone else from getting dragged into the Dark Place? How does he stop the Dark Presence from meddling with things on this side of the door? And then there's the more mundane worries too. Where is he going to live? What will he do for work?
Hell, maybe he can find a job in a diner. Poor Rose. ]
I know, I've seen it. And, well, most of that weirder shit is best staying there and not here. [ But the walls are thin; thinner than people realize or want to realize. Could he make it so that the walls aren't so thin? No, that's a ridiculous thought. He can't make something into reality that doesn't exist. And more importantly, does he want to tempt fate that much? ]
What are the buzzwords people use? Autonomy? Respect? You could throw the book at me for not doing that. [ He offers a dry sort of laugh then. ] Throw the book. That's funny. [ Maybe it's not. It probably isn't. He's just trying to be normal when he feels anything but.
Pin the book on the writer. No, stop that. ] Did you say Casey?
[ That has to be a coincidence. Only, there are no coincidences. But he follows along after Jesse, trying to get the bizarre stream of consciousness thoughts in his head to shut up for a minute. ]
I have questions. A lot of them, actually. You probably don't have time to listen to all of them. [ Or any of them. ]
no subject
Steve nods in agreement to Alan's statement, but ultimately leans back against the car with his arms folded. He's a younger man, a bit shorter, with trimmed black hair and looks like he should of been in the military instead of a federal agency. By looking at him, one wouldn't guess he fought a nine foot plus tall hunched over monster that was once a therapist. ]
I'm pretty sure I know a book club that would be upset if I threw a book.
[ Especially a legendary book like the Alex Casey series.
Speaking of Casey. A Casey. Jesse waits until they are more than a few feet away from Steve before she begins talking. ]
Agent Alex Casey, FBI. [ She opens the envelope she hadn't expected to yet. With a few flips she finds the photocopy of the document she was looking for. ] He made contact with the Bureau in 2017 asking for information and files on Bright Falls... and more specifically the author that went missing, Alan Wake. [ She glances over at him. ] It looks like they gave him heavily redacted information about what we collected on the event. Which, by the way, we refer to what you experienced and caused an Altered World Event--AWE.
[ She glances over the other photocopy printed versions of documents in her hands. Maybe it'll be best to go through them as he brings them up. ]
We'll fit as many as we can in now and the rest another time. [ « If we ever get another chance. » ] How about a question for a question? We take turns, establish a base line. There's some answers I'd like too, but, you might not be able to answer them.
[ So, maybe she should start. ] That little "adventure" you sent me on. You sent me messages--not generic ones, but ones that felt like they were for me specifically. What... exactly do you know about me?
[ « Rather, what does he know about us? He mentioned you too, remember? My guiding star. What exactly does he know--or can he remember? » ]
no subject
[ Well, in all fairness, no one knows he needs to get over himself better than him. And that's part of why he wishes he had more time to compartmentalize and process before being thrust into interacting with people and their questions again, even if said people get it and understand the sheer weirdness of all this. ]
The key word is throwing it at me. I couldn't even say it's not deserved. And that's not asking for platitudes. [ He's keenly aware that he took missteps a lot before his disappearance in his personal and public life, and even managed to do that a few times in the Dark Place. Overreaching, some might call it.
But he stops talking so he can better listen and try to understand what Jesse is telling him as she begins to explain Agent Casey and several other things. ] That name is interesting. It's almost too coincidental. [ Alan isn't sure that he believes in coincidences anymore. ] But knowing someone with the FBI, he probably isn't content with just redacted files and getting half the information. [ Which, he assumes, is what he's doing here: ferreting around to see what else he can find that isn't being kept back by the FBC. That, and he, Alan Wake, is a convenient bystander. Well, a bystander who is more involved than he wishes he was. ]
Sounds fair enough, a question for a question. [ Part of him recoils at the idea, because depending on what her questions are, he knows he may not want to answer. But he's a writer and has a decent command over words and what to say and how to say it, if he can say so himself. ]
They... They were for you specifically. [ A writer needed a hero. ]
I... I don't know much, actually. I know your name, and... [ He knows small details, vague ones, and nothing that tells him anything about her as a person. ] I know you're not ordinary.
no subject
[ Especially given she can throw things. With her mind. ]
I'm thinking it's something more than fate or something like that.
[ « More like "I think you bent reality to bring your detective to life." But, that'd probably weird him out even more... and not to mention probably out the fact I read his novels. »
Which, she only read them after the whole mess with Hartman. If they were getting an AWE signal from the future, and the Alan Wake contacted her over the Hotline? She figured it was a good idea to do some research. Which is another reason she came to Bright Falls. She wanted understand the AWE in the 70s and 2010 in and out.
Her eyes widen slightly at his answer. Then, she bites the inside of her mouth and looks to the side. For her? Sure, tue Hotline had given her several messages. Darling reached out once, Trench's last thoughts echoed through it, and then whenever the Boars felt like being particularly annoying they'd contact her. This feels different though. Even if it was just narrating a manuscript he wrote.
You're special.
Her first reaction is a gut reaction. No she's not. Even if she can do what other Directors couldn't. Polaris is the reason she can--their bond. Everything is because of that AWE when she was a kid... that doesn't make her special. It makes her the right sort of crazy and weird.
Jesse closes the folder and hopes her embarrassment doesn't show. That'd be the last thing she'd need. ]
I'm from Ordinary. Maine. [ A nod, trying to be clever and play off his words. A writer would appreciate that, right? ] I went through something like you did... but as a kid. It didn't make me special. Just... crazy.
[ She gestures with her hand as she feels Polaris shift.
« Wait--do you think this is amusing? Why?! » ]
Your turn.
no subject
[ He thinks he's insane, and there's so many layers that he hasn't even begun to think about, let alone unpack about his regrets and everything else. ]
Fate? Ha. [ He laughs, and it's a dry, raspy sound. He knows it can't be fate or coincidence or anything random. He did it. Wake was desperate. He would try just about anything if it gave even the slightest chance or opening for him to find is way out. Perhaps Wake didn't mean to do it, but the deed was done. The narration buzzes in his head again and he tries to swat it away with the hand that's still holding the thermos he hasn't opened.
Too late, he realizes that Jesse is still there, and that she most likely saw him swat at empty air. He coughs and frowns, because the rasp in his voice isn't simply because he's forgotten the taste of water. But rather than focus on yet another thing he needs to face, he focuses on Jesse again and on her reaction to him saying what he knows about her. ]
From Ordinary, but not ordinary. You're anything but. [ Don't ask him how he knows that, or how he can speak about that so confidently. Faden was made for this. ] You're not crazy. How do I know that?
[ He points to himself. He's crazy. He jumps at shadows and hears his own voice narrating his actions in his head. How is that anything but crazy?
But then she points out that it's his turn to ask a question, and there's only one thing- one person he can ask about right now. ]
Alice. Do you know where she is? [ Is she alright? ]
no subject
« Thinking that no one else in the world could ever understand what you've been through. That it's so impossible and so abnormal no one could begin to comprehend. I was like that for a long time. You know that--you even tried to help in your own way. Now, I guess, it's my turn to help someone else. Really show how I'm going to change what it is to be the Director. He's not going to be left in the dark like I was. Well, a different dark anyways. » ]
Mr. Wake.
Alan.
[ Jesse stops then. She turns to him, envelope under one arm, and the other at her side. The only thing on her face is a look of understanding. ] I don't think you're insane or crazy. No more than I think I am. I know what this is like for you. That's why I'm here. I could of sent any ranger or any agent to do this job. But, I chose to come here. I'm not the same as other Directors. I'm not going to let people who experience what we do be alone in that.
[ « Maybe showing him would be better? Or, telling him about you. Maybe its too soon for that. » ]
I might be a girl from Ordinary who isn't so ordinary anymore, but, I'm just as crazy as you are.
[ He would ask about Mrs. Wake. He's married. There's almost a sting of bitterness at the realization. They might be alike, but he actually had a life. A career, a wife, a home. She never had those... couldn't trust people enough to have them. ]
Back in 2017, the Buearu brought her in for questioning on her own request. She was having nightmares about someone wearing her ex-husband's face chasing her in the dark. Every morning she'd wake up with the bulbs in the hallway broken. [ She frowns. ] After they brought her in... Hartman noticed. They got her out before she even was aware of it, but his rampage caused them to close down the Investigations Sector. Ever since, she's been under care and watch in a classified place. She's living her life still. The previous Director hadn't stopped her from that, and neither have I.
[ She shifts side to side then. ]
She, uhm, released a film about you. And her. I haven't seen it, but, she was quoted in saying she did it to show the world what you were really like. There was rumors about you, I guess. Mass murderer, psychopath, those sorts of things. At least, that's what I found in records back in the Oldes--the FBC.
no subject
And maybe Alan should simply try to put his harrowing experiences behind him and find a way to live in the world again. Easier said than done, however. It felt as though the dark was still very much around him, and he was alone in it. If only he could just let someone in. ]
Director.
[ The pull of the Dark Place might be still tugging on him, but he retains enough awareness to still know that she is talking to him. ]
Tell me something, if you don't mind. Humor me, I guess. [ She says she knows what this is like, but he wants to find that out for himself. ] How did you become who you are now? [ Belatedly, he realizes he has asked two questions, but she isn't obligated to answer this one. ] If you knew... if you'd seen what it was like there... [ He shakes his head again. ] No, you're better off not knowing.
[ The things that haunted him and still haunt him now are best left unsaid. No one needs to even imagine the things he's experienced. ]
For what it's worth, I- I appreciate that you came. [ Even if it turns out that there's nothing she can do. At least for the moment, he's not alone. He spent so long in the Dark Place with no one for company but nightmares come to life. Jesse might not know all the details, but she's here, isn't she? That does mean something to him. ]
You don't seem crazy. I mean, you're the Director, and that means that you can do things other people can't. But- [ He cuts himself off there, because she doesn't need him dumping his problems onto her.
Alice. Focus on Alice. Then you can answer more of her questions.
But as Jesse begins to explain what she knows about Alice, Alan's expression changes. First it's impassive, but then it gradually shifts to one of something like fear. There's a little sadness there too, but he would hide that if he could.
He doesn't even know what's worse, the fact that Alice was hounded by nightmares of a man that looked like him but wasn't, or that she had another near-brush with Hartman again. And he feels both happy and sad to learn that she is out there somewhere living her life. He's glad for her, but sad for himself, because he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to do the same.
Jesse, it seems, isn't finished, and she adds on more information about the film Alice made. For his part, Alan isn't sure how he should feel about this. Mass murderer, psychopath... Wake knew those words weren't wrong, at least not technically. The Dark Place had changed him, perhaps permanently. If all it took to sway the opinions of the general public was a video created by Alice- no, Wake knew it wasn't that simple.
Again, Alan shakes his head, a little harder this time as if that will dislodge and drive away the intrusive thoughts in his mind. ]
She's alive, and hopefully happy. That's- Well, that's all I could really hope for.
[ So why does he feel worse now than before? ]
Uh... So what do you want to know?
no subject
« Director, huh? So much for first name basis. »
It stings in the same way that asking about his wife does. Not that she had romantic notions or inclinations. She supposes, if anything, maybe she had her hopes up in finally meeting someone like her. Someone that wasn't dead, or in coma like her brother.
A ghost of a smile touches he's her face at his appreciation. It's something at least. She doesn't answer his question about her right away. Namely because she feels he needs to process what he can about his wife. Ex-wife.
« That's probably enough questions for now. I imagine anything he could remember thirteen years ago is foggy. Waiting is probably our best action... and maybe someone asking him that isn't me. » ]
Once things have settled down, I can arrange you meeting her. If you want... so you can decide where to go from here.
[ He probably doesn't want anything to do with the Buearu and by extension, her. She can't blame him. A faceless government agency is intrusive of a thought even without their weird capabilities. ]
You wanted to know how I became who I am. Right?
[ « Well, are you ready? ... Good. »
Jesse holds out the hand at her side. She waits for him to extend his hand and then holds her palm above his. A slight energy can be felt, in fact the same vibration from the night before. Except this time it's faint and even calm. ]
I'm sure you don't want all the details, Wake. But, I met someone you already know about. You called "her" my "guiding star." It's a good description of "her."
no subject
Why did Wake call Faden Director? Did he subconsciously recognize that he felt lost and needed direction? Wake frowned, because after all the things he had already made happen to her, it wasn't fair to saddle her with something else she hadn't asked for. No, Wake thought that he needed to find his own direction, and he couldn't ask Faden for help.
A part of him wants to ask Jesse for help, at least in the sense of giving him something to do. He has no career, not anymore. Could he possibly find a job within the Bureau? That feels like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, but maybe he could be a janitor cleaning floors at night. That's safe, isn't it? He can't cause a crisis of reality with a mop.
Something in his mind rebels at the thought of trying to put a plan in place for his future. There's so much he needs to figure out: living and work arrangements are just part of it. What happened to his bank accounts? Does he even have any assets anymore? The thought of all the things he needs to work out makes him want to run. Except running isn't a viable option, not here in the real world. ]
I don't- It's probably not safe for her to meet me. [ I won't be the reason she gets put in harm's way again. And there's no "where" for me to go to. ]
Yes. Yeah, I want to know that. If you want to tell me.
[ He has to push down the urge to recoil when she holds out her hand. She isn't going to hurt him, or come at him with an axe or knife or any of the other things he's been threatened with before. But it takes a monumental effort on his part to return the gesture, extending his own hand beneath hers. ]
I- It sounds familiar. She sounds familiar. [ There's so many things running around in circles in his mind that it's difficult to zero in on specific things he's written about, but this feels familiar somehow. ] What is that? That resonance. What does it do?
[ It snapped him out of his psychobabble, but he figures that's not what it's meant for. ]
no subject
If he did ask for help? She'd do what she could--and so would Polaris it seems. Jesse can't put her exact finger on it, but is seems Polaris sees him as an...alley? A similar sort of person? She can't get the words right in her own head from her friend, so maybe, she's missing some sort of information. Information about the dimension that Alan was in. Which means she'd need to question him more about it.
« He can barely put an entire string of thought together, let alone be interviewed about what happened. We're going to have to wait. » ]
Okay. Got it. No meetings.
[ She nods, but wonders if he'll change his mind eventually.
« Do I want to tell him? It's... things are complicated when it comes to it. Only a handful of people really know what happened in Ordinary. Should I really trust him with that? I mean, it's not like there's much he can do if he can't create AWEs, right? But, it's not just that. It's about me. Jesse Faden, not Director Faden. »
Polaris shimmers in her mind.
« I know, I know. Asking him about his time in a dimension is asking him just to be as vulnerable as he's asking me to be. It's just that... it never really worked out before. Telling people. Emily knows, but she's in the FBC. He's apart of this world too now, but even then it's... do I really show someone who is drowning how much I failed others before? »
Jesse nods to what he is saying even as she battles internally--rather with Polaris--about sharing the details of her past. Polaris seems to encourage it, as if she is looking to forge another ally. That in itself doesn't make much sense to her at all. Why would Polaris need another ally? What is going on in that dimension that Alan was trapped in? Even with that all aside, Jesse still isn't sure she should open up as much as she's being asked to. ]
Polaris. At least, that's the name I gave her. [ « A name you don't seem to mind. » ] She resonates... brings things in line with her frequency. Which, I think is why she can help, but not really remove whatever is going on with you. If there is anything really going "on."
[ Polaris' resonance is gentle, like a shifting energy moving back and forth. It doesn't try to intrude further on Alan or pull him in. It only exists as is, inhabiting the entire space around Jesse. A keen observer would pick up on the fact that it's not just around her but from her. ]
I can do what I can because of her. Just like you can do...whatever it is you can do because of your time at Bright Falls. [ Or, something like that. She isn't exactly sure what Alan can do other than bend reality to some degree. ] There are people that the Bureau calls "parautalitarians"--people that can use paranatural forces. Like you and me. I think that Polaris and things like her gravitate to people like us.
Not that I really have any proof of it.
[ Polaris shimmers once more as if to confirm what Jesse is suggesting. A shimmer so bright that even Alan may see it around her. ]
no subject
You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Forget that I asked. [ The words slide out before he can stop them, as soon as he realizes that she is hesitating. It was wrong for him to ask her, because why should she trust him with anything, let alone something so personal? If the situation was reversed, would he want to tell her in detail about everything that had happened following his dive into Cauldron Lake?
He needed to tell someone sooner or later, as all of it was eating him alive even now, but was now the right time to do it? Was Jesse the right person to hear it? Maybe he should simply take those secrets to his grave.
But if telling Jesse, the Bureau, someone information about the Dark Place helped stop more bad things from happening, didn't he have the obligation to? While Jesse has her own internal debate with Polaris, Alan's free hand lifts to grip his head for a second or two, as if the action will help clear the cascade of thoughts and questions and worries falling around in his mind. If only there was something he could do to clear the storm in his head.
Wake needed to write. No. No writing. Never again, not when it's his writing that makes things happen. His words cause trouble even when he doesn't intend them to. ]
Polaris. It's a good name. [ He hasn't smiled in who knows how long, but his lips twitch as if they want to smile now. Her guiding star. Polaris is the North Star. Guiding people on their way. It is the star to every wand'ring bark. It all makes sense, at least in Alan's mind. ] I'm glad that you're together, if that's the right way to describe it. It both is and isn't, isn't it? You're together, but the resonance comes from you too. It started with her, but now it's part of you.
[ He is still wary of opening himself up to things he can't explain, and maybe he doesn't fully trust Polaris, but she feels welcoming somehow. The Dark Presence took him over, wanted to swallow him, used him. He can't explain why he thinks Polaris is different, only that he feels different whens he picks up on that swirling, shifting energy. ]
She gave you something useful. [ He might call it a gift, but may be Jesse doesn't see it that way. He wouldn't presume to know what she might be thinking about her bond, her connection with Polaris. In contrast, he isn't sure how useful his own abilities are. ] You have theories, and theories can become proof.
[ He's not entirely sure where he's going with that train of thought, and he stops thinking about it, as Polaris has very thoroughly managed to distract him with her shimmer. ]
no subject
How about we get some breakfast? [ The words come from her immediately, without thought. She hasn't eaten, and god only knows how long it has been since he's eaten. Did he even eat wherever he was? ] Then we'll go from there.
[ « Maybe by then I'll have figured out if I'm going to tell him. Or, how to tell him. »
She looks out past him to the scenery. Washington is a gorgeous place, but it feels there's something lurking beyond her eyesight. Should she take him into town for breakfast? She can't imagine the Oh Deer Diner would be a good place to visit at the moment. Nothing in Bright Falls would be, regardless of the AWE going on currently. She can't take him too far away without making her friends in the FBI a little upset. ]
Yeah, it is both of us. [ At that, Jesse finally smiles entirely. The expression might still be subtle to the untrained eye, but, a writer should notice. ] That's why you sent me after Hartman, wasn't it? Because we could cancel out the Hiss... and stop whatever else it was he became.
[ It wasn't always a gift in her mind. For the longest time she hated Polaris, thinking it was her friends fault, blaming everything on her. That wasn't true, but, kids do dumb things. ]
Every power we have can be a gift when we figure out how to use it the way that's most beneficial for everyone. [ She did note how he seemed to grab his head for a moment, but doesn't comment on it. Instead, she half turns to gesture they go back the way they came. ] We're just outside of Bright Falls... if you'd want to go into town and eat.
[ « Why is breakfast so complicated? » ]
no subject
Unconsciously, he reaches into the pocket of his jeans, as if expecting a wallet or a fold of bills to be in there, but there's nothing there. There should be something there. He should have a phone. Car keys. But instead, there's just nothing. ]
Breakfast sounds good. [ Kind of. ] I'd pay, but I- Uh. [ He doesn't have a cent on him. This feels a little awkward. He should pay for her, but where did all his things go?
Hartman was stretched- Stop that. Stop saying that. That's over now. ]
Yeah. Somehow, I knew that you could handle it, if he started making trouble. [ Hartman was always making trouble. He just called it "helping". It wasn't helping. ]
You, uh- you seem to know more about your gift than I do about- about mine. [ He stumbles over those words, because he's not sure what he thinks about his abilities. Are they gifts? Curses? The latter seems more likely. ] I'm not sure I'd call it beneficial.
[ He glances around them at the trees and the sky and the mountains in the background. Everything here seems whole enough. The trees aren't swaying wildly in the wind or snapped completely in half. Barrels and other objects aren't rolling or flying towards him. If he didn't know better, he'd say everything was normal here. ] Do you want to go into town?
[ There's not too many options here, so it seems like town is the place to go. ]
no subject
It's okay. You can pay me back sometime. [ Jesse smirks a bit. It's not like she expected him to have money on him in an alien dimension. ] Well, maybe it will be in the future.
If you're not comfortable going into town, Wake, we can arrange something else. We should go at your pace and what you're comfortable with.
Then again, not many people would recongize you as Alan Wake. [ She nods to how he looks. ]
no subject
Next time, it's on me. [ Somehow, he'll manage to find a way to pay her back. ] What do you like, anyway? [ It feels so strange to be making future plans and thinking about things like what kinds of foods people like. But maybe it's a sign that he's coming out of the shell-shocked state brought on by his time in the Dark Place. Maybe. He hopes it is, at least. ]
No, it's fine. It's fine to go into town. [ He can't picture it that clearly, but something tells him that there's not very many options in Bright Falls anyway. And maybe he's wrong, but those FBI agents probably wouldn't be very happy with him if he left the area.
And truthfully, his pace is more along the lines of hiding back in that room in the cabin with all the lights turned on, not walking into town in search of food.
When she points out that not many people would recognize him as being Alan Wake, he gives her a confused sort of look. Oh, that's right. He's been missing. Thirteen years. Maybe at first, his face could be seen on those missing persons posters. But that probably stopped as the years dragged on. Right? Even bestsellers fade from the public eye, or something like that. It hasn't even occurred to him that maybe he doesn't look quite like the same man he was when he dove into Cauldron Lake. ]
Shall we? [ His words lack the attempt at flourish that they might have had thirteen years ago, and the effort probably falls flat. But at least he made an effort at trying to sound normal, even though he knows he may never feel normal again. ]
no subject
[ She imagines he may not know where to begin. Her experiences with thresholds, even as a child, have never been like he has experienced. She wasn't trapped and sealed away like he was. ]
And, don't forget about the coffee. It should warm you up on the way there. [ She hopes that wasn't too pointed. ] Maybe it'll help wake you up.
[ Jesse motions for him to follow and heads back to thr cabin. She asks Steve to send a message that Alan is in their Carr and headed in town for the diner if they need to join at any point. The ride into town is uneventful, and she wonders if that's because it's daytime, or because some discussion has helped Alan calm down.
She keeps her eye on him as they enter the familiar and yet updated diner. They're welcomed by a different waitress than Alan would know, and directed to a booth in the back. Jesse has Steve take the booth in front of them, then slides into her seat. She gestures for Alan to sit where he'd like and then works to remove the gloves on her hands. Maybe looking a little less tactical would be good.
Especially as the September chill has definitely set in.
She slides the menu to him and starts quickly glancing over her own. ]
no subject
[ He feels as though the Dark Place took more from him than just time. It took away what Alan thinks of as the ability to feel alive. His focus for the last thirteen years has been on fighting and surviving, and doing whatever he could to escape.
His gaze drops down to his hands then, just as she mentions coffee. He used to like coffee, didn't he? It feels like something he ought to know. He unscrews the top of the thermos and just stares down at it and the brown liquid inside. It's such a simple action: pour out some of the coffee and drink it. Easy. Nothing to it. But it's the first drink he's been offered since his return, and he finds himself at a loss. ]
Uh... do you want some? [ He's not sure why he's even hesitating. It's coffee, something he used to like. Maybe it'll help wake you up. He knows he's awake, so why does he still feel like he's so disconnected from everything? Even something as simple as drinking coffee seems like something he doesn't know how to do.
Eventually, he takes the chance to put the top back on the thermos as soon as he thinks Jesse isn't looking. He gets in the car with Jesse and Steve, and he lapses into silence on the way to the diner. They pass by trees, lots of them, and again, the images seem to flicker and flash, turning the trees into broken ones and burned ones. He closes his eyes for a moment and shakes his head, hoping to clear away those images.
After a short while, they pull into the parking lot of the diner and exit the car. At first, Alan doesn't even notice what's in a large truck adjacent to the diner. He knows this diner, having passed by it a few times. It looks the same from the outside, even after all this time. Finally, though, his gaze travels over to the truck, and his eyes widen. Again, he blinks, once, and then twice, and he shakes his head a little harder this time.
But he doesn't have time to dwell on what gave him pause, as Steve and Jesse are already heading towards the diner's entrance. Steve sits by himself in the booth in front of them, and Alan slides in across from Jesse.
She slides over a menu and he just sits there staring at it. Just pick something. You have to. It doesn't matter that you haven't eaten anything in thirteen years. Come on, Wake. The pep talk, if that is what it is, doesn't really help convince him, but he knows he should at least try.
Hoping to buy himself more time, he looks over at Jesse. ] See anything you like?
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[ It's more along the lines of what she expected. Most agents she has seen come back from unexpected thresholds are in a similar manner. Especially the ones who went diving in the Astral Plane. Not literal diving, but, mental diving.
She gently turns down the offer as they can get something else at the diner. She does note he doesn't seem to have touched the drink at all and keeps staring out at the scenery as they drive. Part of her sinks at seeing his reactions. None of it surprising, just, a little heartbreaking.
Jesse keeps a keen eye on him as he stares at the menu. She offers him a gentle smile, figuring that maybe he needs something lighter and easier as he gets used to it all again. If he ever really does. ]
How about this? [ Jesse gently points to an egg and toast meal.
« Light, easy, not too much flavor. Just enough to get him back into the world around him. » ] Maybe with milk instead of coffee? Since you didn't touch it on the way down.
[ The bell jingles at the door as more customers come in. Steve watches, but gives a signal to Jesse they're in the clear. Her attention moves back to Alan. ]
Look, I know its... tough. Probably tougher than even I can really understand. But, you'll need to at some point. If it helps, I'll get the same thing this time. And...
[ « Here goes nothing. Are you ready? » ]
I'll tell you my story.
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[ He's surprised, somehow. Maybe he shouldn't be. Jesse's reactions have been understanding. Patient. She'd been through this before. Maybe not to this same degree, but she acted like she knew how to react. It surprised him that she never looked at him with judgment, even when he was doing and saying crazy things.
Maybe one day, he won't see those harrowing images whenever he looks at things that were mirrored by the Dark Presence, drawing from his own experiences. He doesn't like seeing them, and he doesn't like imagining the looks of worry people around him are giving him. It's not pity or concern that he wants. Hell, he doesn't even know what he wants. It's something he has to figure out.
Jesse offers a suggestion for what he should order, and he offers her a small, somewhat strained smile in return. ] Don't worry about it. I- [ I don't know how to do this. ] Why don't you and Steve get something? I bet you're both hungry. [ He should be, but he just can't seem to get past this particular hurdle.
He stiffens at the sound of the bell at the door, and at the sound of the door opening. The sounds here are so different from the ones that he'd been forced to grow used to. In the Dark Place, certain sounds heralded certain threats, and he'd gotten to know a lot of them. The transition is jarring, to say the least. A ringing bell isn't a sign of his impending doom, but he has to remind himself what it is a sign of: something innocuous and not harmful.
Maybe that's the way he should look at this. Instead of viewing food and drink as something he can't remember how to approach, he should look at it as something else that will help ground him. It's more or less what Jesse said. He'll have to at some point, and it'll help when he does. Reframe the problem until it stops being a problem. ]
All right, but you should still get what you want. [ Just because he's having difficulties adjusting doesn't mean he expects people to go out of their way for him.
At her next words, however, he straightens up and brushes a few stray hairs out of his eyes. ]
You will? [ Leave it to a writer of stories to be immediately interested in someone else's story more than anything else. ]
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« It's easier being the Director than it is me... and, we'll still order for him. » ]
Trust me, you don't need to tell Steve twice. [ The ranger gives a thumbs up as if to agree. ] We had a long flight in, but, your ... trip was longer.
[ She leans fully back into the booth and nods. ]
I will.
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Never mind. [ Whatever it was that he was going to say disappeared, and he just shakes his head in annoyance and disappointment with himself. ]
By the way... [ He can't remember if he's said this before now or not, so he figures there's no harm in saying it again. ] Thanks.
[ For not turning around and leaving me here when you saw. For also not throwing me into the nuthouse. At least, not yet. I guess that's still a possibility. She still could do that, or turn me into the Bureau. Poking and prodding, that sounds like a great time. Oh, great, why did I have to think about that?
Alan's fingers curl around the menu he's still holding onto, even though he's no longer looking at it. He's looking at Jesse, but his mind is trying to wander away again despite his best efforts to stop it.
Got any tips for how to deal with a crazed mind? He'd ask that, but he's not sure she'd have anything to offer, and he's not so sure he wants to reveal just how messed up he actually is, even though she's probably guessed. Anyone with half a brain could see the signs, unfortunately. ]
About that. You- you really don't have to say anything if you don't want to. I know I asked, but... [ A part of him wants to demand to hear her story, to demand information, but does he have the right to demand anything? There's still a part of him that's the volatile-tempered man from thirteen years ago. His long isolation tempered some of that, but there's still a bit of it still inside him.
He can't explain it, but part of him wants to throw a punch at someone- something. Not Jesse, who's only been trying to help, and not Steve, but... maybe a few banged up fingers will snap him out of this messed up state. Maybe he just wants to feel something other than shellshocked confusion. Maybe whenever Jesse goes off to do Director things or whatever it is she does that isn't talking to crazies like him, he can find a nice wall to siphon off some of his feelings. ]
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[ « I'm not sure how to feel about being thanked. It's... it's normal, and I don't deal with normal. »
Jesse's gaze quickly drops down to his hands once again. They could tear that menu apart if he could focus long enough on one thing long enough. Is that how it is in the dimension he was trapped in? Constantly going from one thought to the next without being able to focus? None of the dimensions in the Oldest House are quite like that, but, she's seen what's happened to people who weren't prepared when they go into the Astral Plane--or any plane. Did that happen to him? Was he just swirled into the events and left to fend for himself with no help at all?
« It would explain a few things. »
As she is about to respond to his statement, the waitress comes over to take their order. Jesse smiles and orders the waffles meal for herself, the lighter meal for Alan, and then tells her whatever Steve would like is all on her tab. She then gently takes the menu from Alan before handing both of theirs to the waitress. ]
I haven't seen you folks around before. Did you come by for Deerfest?
...Deerfest? [ Jesse finally takes a look out the window and sees the float. Oh. She blinks a few times before looking back at the waitress. ] We actually met up with some friends that live in the local area. I guess they left that detail out.
Oh, the more the merrier! Bright Falls really comes alive during Deerfest, you'll see! I'll bring some brochures over with the drinks.
[ The waitress walks away and Jesse keeps her eyes on her. Then, her attention moves back to Alan with every intent of answering his statement about her story. Except, those words never come out. Not when she sees the reaction just "Deerfest" had on him. He had some sort of connection... was it Deerfest when the AWE happened thirteen years ago?
Without thinking, Jesse reaches over and puts her hands on his. She doesn't realize she has until she does it. Then, her gaze drops to her hands. Why did she do that? It didn't feel like someone else guiding her or even telling her to do that. It felt natural--she wanted to. But, why? She's never physical with people.
The... well, everything seems to suddenly change in a blink of an eye.
Jesse jerks up right suddenly, glancing around at the diner. It's sunlight, warm, and just as she thought it was a few moments ago. But it felt so real--what... what was that? Did that come from Alan when she touched him? Or... or was it something else? A vision?
Polaris shifts.
« No? A... a memory? Of something that hasn't happened? How is that possible? »
She pulls her hands away slowly from him.
« I need a moment. Maybe ten. What WAS that? » ]
S-sorry, hold that thought. I'll be right back. Steve, hold down the fort for me.
[ She gives a smile that doesn't quite reach the corner of her lips before standing up from the booth. In a stride she's down the hall that leads to the two bathrooms in the back. ]
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[ It's more than I deserve.
If he knew what Jesse was wondering, he'd tell her it was like that. And he's like this now because part of his mind still thinks he's at the typewriter, writing page after page of manuscripts. Narrating. Describing. Writing. Rewriting. Again and again and again until something works. It's a strange conundrum, and he knows it, but he had to write something cohesive and whole that made sense, but he also had to jump around a lot and try different ideas until the pieces fit together.
Maybe that's why his thoughts jump around and form in his mind as half-thoughts that may or may not make sense. He's still pecking away at the typewriter in his head.
As for his dive into the Dark Place- maybe that's a good way of putting it. He knew he had to go there in order to free Alice. But was he truly prepared for the scope and depth and horror of it all? It seems fairly clear that he wasn't.
He opens his mouth to say something, but then the waitress comes over to take their orders.
As soon as the waitress says "Deerfest", the color drains from Alan's face and tension seizes his entire frame. His gaze travels out the window to where he can see the deer float in the truck. ]
Alan... Wake...
[ A booming voice echoes around him, and suddenly, Alan is having what is best described as a completely insane, completely mental experience. Suddenly, the deer has sprouted another head, and both heads turn slowly to look at him.
Oh no... Then, there's an almighty boom and the deer has exploded, the legs and torso flying off in all different directions. But the heads, both of them, fly towards Alan, shattering the windows of the diner in an effort to get to him, to smash and destroy and kill.
He cringes in his seat, and he would hunch over to cover his head, but he feels Jesse's hands suddenly covering his, and the terrifying vision fades away just like that. The deer only has one head, and it's not flying at him, and the windows of the diner are in one piece.
God, I really am losing my mind.
He's about to say something, but then something seems to happen, and he feels Jesse tense almost like he did when he had the flashback to the deer float going to literal pieces. Warning bells go off in his mind and he feels an overwhelming urge to bolt. Something's happening. Don't ask him how he knows; it's just a feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Am I doing it again without realizing it? Writing without actually writing? Tell me that's not what's happening. It doesn't make sense, as he's not in the Dark Place anymore, but- Wait.
Cauldron Lake isn't that far away, is it? Could it be that the lake is still making things happen? Is it still bringing Alan's words to life somehow? nononononono- The word "no" starts echoing in Alan's mind, echoing and repeating and he feels himself shudder. Pull yourself together, Wake!
And just like that, timed with Jesse jerking herself upright, he somehow manages to drag himself out of the swirling storm of his own head. ]
Wh- [ He doesn't have time to say anything before Jesse's pulling her hands away and getting up from the booth. And in another instant, she's gone, walking away from them towards the hall leading to the bathrooms. ]
Uh- Make that two of us. I'll- I'll be right back.
[ He think he recognizes the look Jesse was wearing right before she got up and left the booth. He hopes that he's wrong, but he has to know for sure, and so he also stands up and follows after Jesse. ]
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[ She has no idea exactly what is going on in his head at the reaction to "Deerfest", but she can tell it's not good. If her touch helps ground him? She's alright with it, even if it does feel a little out of character with herself. Or maybe it isn't? Some part of her feels as if it's something she has done before. Like something she forgot, but the feelings stubbornly cling to things she can't really explain. Not everything in life needs an explanation, but she wishes she had one for this.
If she was better at people she would have some sort of comforting words to say. Except, she's not.
Jesse doesn't even notice that Alan has started to follow her. Her mind is focused on trying to figure out what she saw and communing with Polaris. She knows what the images are, and that isn't what has her attention. What has it is figuring out if it was a message on the Hotline, like Wake had sent before, or if it really was a memory. Polaris insists it is, but she can't seem to believe that.
« It can't be a memory. It's never happened. At least, not to ME. »
But, who else has powers like her?
Jesse steps into the women's bathroom and closes the door behind her. Locks it, even. She doesn't want anyone else coming in while she does... whatever she's going to do. She really hasn't figured it out. Maybe she just needs a few deep breaths and tackle the issue later. Alan and the AWE are the current focus. Unless, this is part of the AWE...
Polaris shifts and tugs her down to the ground.
Jesse tilts her head and follows the nudging. Her hands touch the floor of the bathroom. It seems familiar even though it's her first time seeing it--isn't it? She can feel Polaris vibrating through her hands and into the ground. Something harmonizes with Polaris. Almost like... almost like it's Polaris's own resonance in the area around them.
« But, there's no HRAs or amplifiers here. It's just me. You haven't spread this far out have you... »
Then, she hears a tapping.
And humming.
Jesse finds herself jerking once more. She stands straight up, backing up, finding herself against the mirror of the bathroom. She breathes heavily, eyes darting immediately behind her to expect to see something there. Maybe Bright Falls is making her insane, as she swears she sees herself look back at her in the mirror an raise a finger to her lip.
She's seen something like that before, back with the mirror in the Oldest House...
She shakes her head and blinks again but her reflection is normal once more. Jesse shakily steps away from the mirrored wall to look at the ground below her. The floor, mirror, sink, and stalls are in tact. There's no evidence that she even fought in this room, let alone that there was someone in there with her. She raises her shaking hands to look herself over once more.
Her tactical gear? Wasn't she wearing something else?
« It really is a memory, isn't it? I died. WE died. But, how? We're not dead now. What... »
Her eyes widen.
Alan can alter reality. ]
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