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synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
oceanview || ❝ hold hands with my demons and creatures of night. ❞
Someone who can hear me and drink from the light
To see things from the same side
Is there anybody out there?
no subject
« Director, huh? So much for first name basis. »
It stings in the same way that asking about his wife does. Not that she had romantic notions or inclinations. She supposes, if anything, maybe she had her hopes up in finally meeting someone like her. Someone that wasn't dead, or in coma like her brother.
A ghost of a smile touches he's her face at his appreciation. It's something at least. She doesn't answer his question about her right away. Namely because she feels he needs to process what he can about his wife. Ex-wife.
« That's probably enough questions for now. I imagine anything he could remember thirteen years ago is foggy. Waiting is probably our best action... and maybe someone asking him that isn't me. » ]
Once things have settled down, I can arrange you meeting her. If you want... so you can decide where to go from here.
[ He probably doesn't want anything to do with the Buearu and by extension, her. She can't blame him. A faceless government agency is intrusive of a thought even without their weird capabilities. ]
You wanted to know how I became who I am. Right?
[ « Well, are you ready? ... Good. »
Jesse holds out the hand at her side. She waits for him to extend his hand and then holds her palm above his. A slight energy can be felt, in fact the same vibration from the night before. Except this time it's faint and even calm. ]
I'm sure you don't want all the details, Wake. But, I met someone you already know about. You called "her" my "guiding star." It's a good description of "her."
no subject
Why did Wake call Faden Director? Did he subconsciously recognize that he felt lost and needed direction? Wake frowned, because after all the things he had already made happen to her, it wasn't fair to saddle her with something else she hadn't asked for. No, Wake thought that he needed to find his own direction, and he couldn't ask Faden for help.
A part of him wants to ask Jesse for help, at least in the sense of giving him something to do. He has no career, not anymore. Could he possibly find a job within the Bureau? That feels like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, but maybe he could be a janitor cleaning floors at night. That's safe, isn't it? He can't cause a crisis of reality with a mop.
Something in his mind rebels at the thought of trying to put a plan in place for his future. There's so much he needs to figure out: living and work arrangements are just part of it. What happened to his bank accounts? Does he even have any assets anymore? The thought of all the things he needs to work out makes him want to run. Except running isn't a viable option, not here in the real world. ]
I don't- It's probably not safe for her to meet me. [ I won't be the reason she gets put in harm's way again. And there's no "where" for me to go to. ]
Yes. Yeah, I want to know that. If you want to tell me.
[ He has to push down the urge to recoil when she holds out her hand. She isn't going to hurt him, or come at him with an axe or knife or any of the other things he's been threatened with before. But it takes a monumental effort on his part to return the gesture, extending his own hand beneath hers. ]
I- It sounds familiar. She sounds familiar. [ There's so many things running around in circles in his mind that it's difficult to zero in on specific things he's written about, but this feels familiar somehow. ] What is that? That resonance. What does it do?
[ It snapped him out of his psychobabble, but he figures that's not what it's meant for. ]
no subject
If he did ask for help? She'd do what she could--and so would Polaris it seems. Jesse can't put her exact finger on it, but is seems Polaris sees him as an...alley? A similar sort of person? She can't get the words right in her own head from her friend, so maybe, she's missing some sort of information. Information about the dimension that Alan was in. Which means she'd need to question him more about it.
« He can barely put an entire string of thought together, let alone be interviewed about what happened. We're going to have to wait. » ]
Okay. Got it. No meetings.
[ She nods, but wonders if he'll change his mind eventually.
« Do I want to tell him? It's... things are complicated when it comes to it. Only a handful of people really know what happened in Ordinary. Should I really trust him with that? I mean, it's not like there's much he can do if he can't create AWEs, right? But, it's not just that. It's about me. Jesse Faden, not Director Faden. »
Polaris shimmers in her mind.
« I know, I know. Asking him about his time in a dimension is asking him just to be as vulnerable as he's asking me to be. It's just that... it never really worked out before. Telling people. Emily knows, but she's in the FBC. He's apart of this world too now, but even then it's... do I really show someone who is drowning how much I failed others before? »
Jesse nods to what he is saying even as she battles internally--rather with Polaris--about sharing the details of her past. Polaris seems to encourage it, as if she is looking to forge another ally. That in itself doesn't make much sense to her at all. Why would Polaris need another ally? What is going on in that dimension that Alan was trapped in? Even with that all aside, Jesse still isn't sure she should open up as much as she's being asked to. ]
Polaris. At least, that's the name I gave her. [ « A name you don't seem to mind. » ] She resonates... brings things in line with her frequency. Which, I think is why she can help, but not really remove whatever is going on with you. If there is anything really going "on."
[ Polaris' resonance is gentle, like a shifting energy moving back and forth. It doesn't try to intrude further on Alan or pull him in. It only exists as is, inhabiting the entire space around Jesse. A keen observer would pick up on the fact that it's not just around her but from her. ]
I can do what I can because of her. Just like you can do...whatever it is you can do because of your time at Bright Falls. [ Or, something like that. She isn't exactly sure what Alan can do other than bend reality to some degree. ] There are people that the Bureau calls "parautalitarians"--people that can use paranatural forces. Like you and me. I think that Polaris and things like her gravitate to people like us.
Not that I really have any proof of it.
[ Polaris shimmers once more as if to confirm what Jesse is suggesting. A shimmer so bright that even Alan may see it around her. ]
no subject
You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Forget that I asked. [ The words slide out before he can stop them, as soon as he realizes that she is hesitating. It was wrong for him to ask her, because why should she trust him with anything, let alone something so personal? If the situation was reversed, would he want to tell her in detail about everything that had happened following his dive into Cauldron Lake?
He needed to tell someone sooner or later, as all of it was eating him alive even now, but was now the right time to do it? Was Jesse the right person to hear it? Maybe he should simply take those secrets to his grave.
But if telling Jesse, the Bureau, someone information about the Dark Place helped stop more bad things from happening, didn't he have the obligation to? While Jesse has her own internal debate with Polaris, Alan's free hand lifts to grip his head for a second or two, as if the action will help clear the cascade of thoughts and questions and worries falling around in his mind. If only there was something he could do to clear the storm in his head.
Wake needed to write. No. No writing. Never again, not when it's his writing that makes things happen. His words cause trouble even when he doesn't intend them to. ]
Polaris. It's a good name. [ He hasn't smiled in who knows how long, but his lips twitch as if they want to smile now. Her guiding star. Polaris is the North Star. Guiding people on their way. It is the star to every wand'ring bark. It all makes sense, at least in Alan's mind. ] I'm glad that you're together, if that's the right way to describe it. It both is and isn't, isn't it? You're together, but the resonance comes from you too. It started with her, but now it's part of you.
[ He is still wary of opening himself up to things he can't explain, and maybe he doesn't fully trust Polaris, but she feels welcoming somehow. The Dark Presence took him over, wanted to swallow him, used him. He can't explain why he thinks Polaris is different, only that he feels different whens he picks up on that swirling, shifting energy. ]
She gave you something useful. [ He might call it a gift, but may be Jesse doesn't see it that way. He wouldn't presume to know what she might be thinking about her bond, her connection with Polaris. In contrast, he isn't sure how useful his own abilities are. ] You have theories, and theories can become proof.
[ He's not entirely sure where he's going with that train of thought, and he stops thinking about it, as Polaris has very thoroughly managed to distract him with her shimmer. ]
no subject
How about we get some breakfast? [ The words come from her immediately, without thought. She hasn't eaten, and god only knows how long it has been since he's eaten. Did he even eat wherever he was? ] Then we'll go from there.
[ « Maybe by then I'll have figured out if I'm going to tell him. Or, how to tell him. »
She looks out past him to the scenery. Washington is a gorgeous place, but it feels there's something lurking beyond her eyesight. Should she take him into town for breakfast? She can't imagine the Oh Deer Diner would be a good place to visit at the moment. Nothing in Bright Falls would be, regardless of the AWE going on currently. She can't take him too far away without making her friends in the FBI a little upset. ]
Yeah, it is both of us. [ At that, Jesse finally smiles entirely. The expression might still be subtle to the untrained eye, but, a writer should notice. ] That's why you sent me after Hartman, wasn't it? Because we could cancel out the Hiss... and stop whatever else it was he became.
[ It wasn't always a gift in her mind. For the longest time she hated Polaris, thinking it was her friends fault, blaming everything on her. That wasn't true, but, kids do dumb things. ]
Every power we have can be a gift when we figure out how to use it the way that's most beneficial for everyone. [ She did note how he seemed to grab his head for a moment, but doesn't comment on it. Instead, she half turns to gesture they go back the way they came. ] We're just outside of Bright Falls... if you'd want to go into town and eat.
[ « Why is breakfast so complicated? » ]
no subject
Unconsciously, he reaches into the pocket of his jeans, as if expecting a wallet or a fold of bills to be in there, but there's nothing there. There should be something there. He should have a phone. Car keys. But instead, there's just nothing. ]
Breakfast sounds good. [ Kind of. ] I'd pay, but I- Uh. [ He doesn't have a cent on him. This feels a little awkward. He should pay for her, but where did all his things go?
Hartman was stretched- Stop that. Stop saying that. That's over now. ]
Yeah. Somehow, I knew that you could handle it, if he started making trouble. [ Hartman was always making trouble. He just called it "helping". It wasn't helping. ]
You, uh- you seem to know more about your gift than I do about- about mine. [ He stumbles over those words, because he's not sure what he thinks about his abilities. Are they gifts? Curses? The latter seems more likely. ] I'm not sure I'd call it beneficial.
[ He glances around them at the trees and the sky and the mountains in the background. Everything here seems whole enough. The trees aren't swaying wildly in the wind or snapped completely in half. Barrels and other objects aren't rolling or flying towards him. If he didn't know better, he'd say everything was normal here. ] Do you want to go into town?
[ There's not too many options here, so it seems like town is the place to go. ]
no subject
It's okay. You can pay me back sometime. [ Jesse smirks a bit. It's not like she expected him to have money on him in an alien dimension. ] Well, maybe it will be in the future.
If you're not comfortable going into town, Wake, we can arrange something else. We should go at your pace and what you're comfortable with.
Then again, not many people would recongize you as Alan Wake. [ She nods to how he looks. ]
no subject
Next time, it's on me. [ Somehow, he'll manage to find a way to pay her back. ] What do you like, anyway? [ It feels so strange to be making future plans and thinking about things like what kinds of foods people like. But maybe it's a sign that he's coming out of the shell-shocked state brought on by his time in the Dark Place. Maybe. He hopes it is, at least. ]
No, it's fine. It's fine to go into town. [ He can't picture it that clearly, but something tells him that there's not very many options in Bright Falls anyway. And maybe he's wrong, but those FBI agents probably wouldn't be very happy with him if he left the area.
And truthfully, his pace is more along the lines of hiding back in that room in the cabin with all the lights turned on, not walking into town in search of food.
When she points out that not many people would recognize him as being Alan Wake, he gives her a confused sort of look. Oh, that's right. He's been missing. Thirteen years. Maybe at first, his face could be seen on those missing persons posters. But that probably stopped as the years dragged on. Right? Even bestsellers fade from the public eye, or something like that. It hasn't even occurred to him that maybe he doesn't look quite like the same man he was when he dove into Cauldron Lake. ]
Shall we? [ His words lack the attempt at flourish that they might have had thirteen years ago, and the effort probably falls flat. But at least he made an effort at trying to sound normal, even though he knows he may never feel normal again. ]
no subject
[ She imagines he may not know where to begin. Her experiences with thresholds, even as a child, have never been like he has experienced. She wasn't trapped and sealed away like he was. ]
And, don't forget about the coffee. It should warm you up on the way there. [ She hopes that wasn't too pointed. ] Maybe it'll help wake you up.
[ Jesse motions for him to follow and heads back to thr cabin. She asks Steve to send a message that Alan is in their Carr and headed in town for the diner if they need to join at any point. The ride into town is uneventful, and she wonders if that's because it's daytime, or because some discussion has helped Alan calm down.
She keeps her eye on him as they enter the familiar and yet updated diner. They're welcomed by a different waitress than Alan would know, and directed to a booth in the back. Jesse has Steve take the booth in front of them, then slides into her seat. She gestures for Alan to sit where he'd like and then works to remove the gloves on her hands. Maybe looking a little less tactical would be good.
Especially as the September chill has definitely set in.
She slides the menu to him and starts quickly glancing over her own. ]
no subject
[ He feels as though the Dark Place took more from him than just time. It took away what Alan thinks of as the ability to feel alive. His focus for the last thirteen years has been on fighting and surviving, and doing whatever he could to escape.
His gaze drops down to his hands then, just as she mentions coffee. He used to like coffee, didn't he? It feels like something he ought to know. He unscrews the top of the thermos and just stares down at it and the brown liquid inside. It's such a simple action: pour out some of the coffee and drink it. Easy. Nothing to it. But it's the first drink he's been offered since his return, and he finds himself at a loss. ]
Uh... do you want some? [ He's not sure why he's even hesitating. It's coffee, something he used to like. Maybe it'll help wake you up. He knows he's awake, so why does he still feel like he's so disconnected from everything? Even something as simple as drinking coffee seems like something he doesn't know how to do.
Eventually, he takes the chance to put the top back on the thermos as soon as he thinks Jesse isn't looking. He gets in the car with Jesse and Steve, and he lapses into silence on the way to the diner. They pass by trees, lots of them, and again, the images seem to flicker and flash, turning the trees into broken ones and burned ones. He closes his eyes for a moment and shakes his head, hoping to clear away those images.
After a short while, they pull into the parking lot of the diner and exit the car. At first, Alan doesn't even notice what's in a large truck adjacent to the diner. He knows this diner, having passed by it a few times. It looks the same from the outside, even after all this time. Finally, though, his gaze travels over to the truck, and his eyes widen. Again, he blinks, once, and then twice, and he shakes his head a little harder this time.
But he doesn't have time to dwell on what gave him pause, as Steve and Jesse are already heading towards the diner's entrance. Steve sits by himself in the booth in front of them, and Alan slides in across from Jesse.
She slides over a menu and he just sits there staring at it. Just pick something. You have to. It doesn't matter that you haven't eaten anything in thirteen years. Come on, Wake. The pep talk, if that is what it is, doesn't really help convince him, but he knows he should at least try.
Hoping to buy himself more time, he looks over at Jesse. ] See anything you like?
no subject
[ It's more along the lines of what she expected. Most agents she has seen come back from unexpected thresholds are in a similar manner. Especially the ones who went diving in the Astral Plane. Not literal diving, but, mental diving.
She gently turns down the offer as they can get something else at the diner. She does note he doesn't seem to have touched the drink at all and keeps staring out at the scenery as they drive. Part of her sinks at seeing his reactions. None of it surprising, just, a little heartbreaking.
Jesse keeps a keen eye on him as he stares at the menu. She offers him a gentle smile, figuring that maybe he needs something lighter and easier as he gets used to it all again. If he ever really does. ]
How about this? [ Jesse gently points to an egg and toast meal.
« Light, easy, not too much flavor. Just enough to get him back into the world around him. » ] Maybe with milk instead of coffee? Since you didn't touch it on the way down.
[ The bell jingles at the door as more customers come in. Steve watches, but gives a signal to Jesse they're in the clear. Her attention moves back to Alan. ]
Look, I know its... tough. Probably tougher than even I can really understand. But, you'll need to at some point. If it helps, I'll get the same thing this time. And...
[ « Here goes nothing. Are you ready? » ]
I'll tell you my story.
no subject
[ He's surprised, somehow. Maybe he shouldn't be. Jesse's reactions have been understanding. Patient. She'd been through this before. Maybe not to this same degree, but she acted like she knew how to react. It surprised him that she never looked at him with judgment, even when he was doing and saying crazy things.
Maybe one day, he won't see those harrowing images whenever he looks at things that were mirrored by the Dark Presence, drawing from his own experiences. He doesn't like seeing them, and he doesn't like imagining the looks of worry people around him are giving him. It's not pity or concern that he wants. Hell, he doesn't even know what he wants. It's something he has to figure out.
Jesse offers a suggestion for what he should order, and he offers her a small, somewhat strained smile in return. ] Don't worry about it. I- [ I don't know how to do this. ] Why don't you and Steve get something? I bet you're both hungry. [ He should be, but he just can't seem to get past this particular hurdle.
He stiffens at the sound of the bell at the door, and at the sound of the door opening. The sounds here are so different from the ones that he'd been forced to grow used to. In the Dark Place, certain sounds heralded certain threats, and he'd gotten to know a lot of them. The transition is jarring, to say the least. A ringing bell isn't a sign of his impending doom, but he has to remind himself what it is a sign of: something innocuous and not harmful.
Maybe that's the way he should look at this. Instead of viewing food and drink as something he can't remember how to approach, he should look at it as something else that will help ground him. It's more or less what Jesse said. He'll have to at some point, and it'll help when he does. Reframe the problem until it stops being a problem. ]
All right, but you should still get what you want. [ Just because he's having difficulties adjusting doesn't mean he expects people to go out of their way for him.
At her next words, however, he straightens up and brushes a few stray hairs out of his eyes. ]
You will? [ Leave it to a writer of stories to be immediately interested in someone else's story more than anything else. ]
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« It's easier being the Director than it is me... and, we'll still order for him. » ]
Trust me, you don't need to tell Steve twice. [ The ranger gives a thumbs up as if to agree. ] We had a long flight in, but, your ... trip was longer.
[ She leans fully back into the booth and nods. ]
I will.
no subject
Never mind. [ Whatever it was that he was going to say disappeared, and he just shakes his head in annoyance and disappointment with himself. ]
By the way... [ He can't remember if he's said this before now or not, so he figures there's no harm in saying it again. ] Thanks.
[ For not turning around and leaving me here when you saw. For also not throwing me into the nuthouse. At least, not yet. I guess that's still a possibility. She still could do that, or turn me into the Bureau. Poking and prodding, that sounds like a great time. Oh, great, why did I have to think about that?
Alan's fingers curl around the menu he's still holding onto, even though he's no longer looking at it. He's looking at Jesse, but his mind is trying to wander away again despite his best efforts to stop it.
Got any tips for how to deal with a crazed mind? He'd ask that, but he's not sure she'd have anything to offer, and he's not so sure he wants to reveal just how messed up he actually is, even though she's probably guessed. Anyone with half a brain could see the signs, unfortunately. ]
About that. You- you really don't have to say anything if you don't want to. I know I asked, but... [ A part of him wants to demand to hear her story, to demand information, but does he have the right to demand anything? There's still a part of him that's the volatile-tempered man from thirteen years ago. His long isolation tempered some of that, but there's still a bit of it still inside him.
He can't explain it, but part of him wants to throw a punch at someone- something. Not Jesse, who's only been trying to help, and not Steve, but... maybe a few banged up fingers will snap him out of this messed up state. Maybe he just wants to feel something other than shellshocked confusion. Maybe whenever Jesse goes off to do Director things or whatever it is she does that isn't talking to crazies like him, he can find a nice wall to siphon off some of his feelings. ]
no subject
[ « I'm not sure how to feel about being thanked. It's... it's normal, and I don't deal with normal. »
Jesse's gaze quickly drops down to his hands once again. They could tear that menu apart if he could focus long enough on one thing long enough. Is that how it is in the dimension he was trapped in? Constantly going from one thought to the next without being able to focus? None of the dimensions in the Oldest House are quite like that, but, she's seen what's happened to people who weren't prepared when they go into the Astral Plane--or any plane. Did that happen to him? Was he just swirled into the events and left to fend for himself with no help at all?
« It would explain a few things. »
As she is about to respond to his statement, the waitress comes over to take their order. Jesse smiles and orders the waffles meal for herself, the lighter meal for Alan, and then tells her whatever Steve would like is all on her tab. She then gently takes the menu from Alan before handing both of theirs to the waitress. ]
I haven't seen you folks around before. Did you come by for Deerfest?
...Deerfest? [ Jesse finally takes a look out the window and sees the float. Oh. She blinks a few times before looking back at the waitress. ] We actually met up with some friends that live in the local area. I guess they left that detail out.
Oh, the more the merrier! Bright Falls really comes alive during Deerfest, you'll see! I'll bring some brochures over with the drinks.
[ The waitress walks away and Jesse keeps her eyes on her. Then, her attention moves back to Alan with every intent of answering his statement about her story. Except, those words never come out. Not when she sees the reaction just "Deerfest" had on him. He had some sort of connection... was it Deerfest when the AWE happened thirteen years ago?
Without thinking, Jesse reaches over and puts her hands on his. She doesn't realize she has until she does it. Then, her gaze drops to her hands. Why did she do that? It didn't feel like someone else guiding her or even telling her to do that. It felt natural--she wanted to. But, why? She's never physical with people.
The... well, everything seems to suddenly change in a blink of an eye.
Jesse jerks up right suddenly, glancing around at the diner. It's sunlight, warm, and just as she thought it was a few moments ago. But it felt so real--what... what was that? Did that come from Alan when she touched him? Or... or was it something else? A vision?
Polaris shifts.
« No? A... a memory? Of something that hasn't happened? How is that possible? »
She pulls her hands away slowly from him.
« I need a moment. Maybe ten. What WAS that? » ]
S-sorry, hold that thought. I'll be right back. Steve, hold down the fort for me.
[ She gives a smile that doesn't quite reach the corner of her lips before standing up from the booth. In a stride she's down the hall that leads to the two bathrooms in the back. ]
no subject
[ It's more than I deserve.
If he knew what Jesse was wondering, he'd tell her it was like that. And he's like this now because part of his mind still thinks he's at the typewriter, writing page after page of manuscripts. Narrating. Describing. Writing. Rewriting. Again and again and again until something works. It's a strange conundrum, and he knows it, but he had to write something cohesive and whole that made sense, but he also had to jump around a lot and try different ideas until the pieces fit together.
Maybe that's why his thoughts jump around and form in his mind as half-thoughts that may or may not make sense. He's still pecking away at the typewriter in his head.
As for his dive into the Dark Place- maybe that's a good way of putting it. He knew he had to go there in order to free Alice. But was he truly prepared for the scope and depth and horror of it all? It seems fairly clear that he wasn't.
He opens his mouth to say something, but then the waitress comes over to take their orders.
As soon as the waitress says "Deerfest", the color drains from Alan's face and tension seizes his entire frame. His gaze travels out the window to where he can see the deer float in the truck. ]
Alan... Wake...
[ A booming voice echoes around him, and suddenly, Alan is having what is best described as a completely insane, completely mental experience. Suddenly, the deer has sprouted another head, and both heads turn slowly to look at him.
Oh no... Then, there's an almighty boom and the deer has exploded, the legs and torso flying off in all different directions. But the heads, both of them, fly towards Alan, shattering the windows of the diner in an effort to get to him, to smash and destroy and kill.
He cringes in his seat, and he would hunch over to cover his head, but he feels Jesse's hands suddenly covering his, and the terrifying vision fades away just like that. The deer only has one head, and it's not flying at him, and the windows of the diner are in one piece.
God, I really am losing my mind.
He's about to say something, but then something seems to happen, and he feels Jesse tense almost like he did when he had the flashback to the deer float going to literal pieces. Warning bells go off in his mind and he feels an overwhelming urge to bolt. Something's happening. Don't ask him how he knows; it's just a feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Am I doing it again without realizing it? Writing without actually writing? Tell me that's not what's happening. It doesn't make sense, as he's not in the Dark Place anymore, but- Wait.
Cauldron Lake isn't that far away, is it? Could it be that the lake is still making things happen? Is it still bringing Alan's words to life somehow? nononononono- The word "no" starts echoing in Alan's mind, echoing and repeating and he feels himself shudder. Pull yourself together, Wake!
And just like that, timed with Jesse jerking herself upright, he somehow manages to drag himself out of the swirling storm of his own head. ]
Wh- [ He doesn't have time to say anything before Jesse's pulling her hands away and getting up from the booth. And in another instant, she's gone, walking away from them towards the hall leading to the bathrooms. ]
Uh- Make that two of us. I'll- I'll be right back.
[ He think he recognizes the look Jesse was wearing right before she got up and left the booth. He hopes that he's wrong, but he has to know for sure, and so he also stands up and follows after Jesse. ]
no subject
[ She has no idea exactly what is going on in his head at the reaction to "Deerfest", but she can tell it's not good. If her touch helps ground him? She's alright with it, even if it does feel a little out of character with herself. Or maybe it isn't? Some part of her feels as if it's something she has done before. Like something she forgot, but the feelings stubbornly cling to things she can't really explain. Not everything in life needs an explanation, but she wishes she had one for this.
If she was better at people she would have some sort of comforting words to say. Except, she's not.
Jesse doesn't even notice that Alan has started to follow her. Her mind is focused on trying to figure out what she saw and communing with Polaris. She knows what the images are, and that isn't what has her attention. What has it is figuring out if it was a message on the Hotline, like Wake had sent before, or if it really was a memory. Polaris insists it is, but she can't seem to believe that.
« It can't be a memory. It's never happened. At least, not to ME. »
But, who else has powers like her?
Jesse steps into the women's bathroom and closes the door behind her. Locks it, even. She doesn't want anyone else coming in while she does... whatever she's going to do. She really hasn't figured it out. Maybe she just needs a few deep breaths and tackle the issue later. Alan and the AWE are the current focus. Unless, this is part of the AWE...
Polaris shifts and tugs her down to the ground.
Jesse tilts her head and follows the nudging. Her hands touch the floor of the bathroom. It seems familiar even though it's her first time seeing it--isn't it? She can feel Polaris vibrating through her hands and into the ground. Something harmonizes with Polaris. Almost like... almost like it's Polaris's own resonance in the area around them.
« But, there's no HRAs or amplifiers here. It's just me. You haven't spread this far out have you... »
Then, she hears a tapping.
And humming.
Jesse finds herself jerking once more. She stands straight up, backing up, finding herself against the mirror of the bathroom. She breathes heavily, eyes darting immediately behind her to expect to see something there. Maybe Bright Falls is making her insane, as she swears she sees herself look back at her in the mirror an raise a finger to her lip.
She's seen something like that before, back with the mirror in the Oldest House...
She shakes her head and blinks again but her reflection is normal once more. Jesse shakily steps away from the mirrored wall to look at the ground below her. The floor, mirror, sink, and stalls are in tact. There's no evidence that she even fought in this room, let alone that there was someone in there with her. She raises her shaking hands to look herself over once more.
Her tactical gear? Wasn't she wearing something else?
« It really is a memory, isn't it? I died. WE died. But, how? We're not dead now. What... »
Her eyes widen.
Alan can alter reality. ]
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But even though he tells himself it's nonsense, when he walks down the hall and stops in front of the women's bathroom, something prickles in the back of his mind. He tries the doorknob, but it's locked. He rattles it once, and then again, harder this time. It still doesn't budge.
There's no escape. I can't get out... I can't get out! Even those words don't sound right. Did he say them? Maybe he said them once, and then he scratched them out.
But either way, a locked door is never good. There's a thud sound as Alan's fist connects with the wooden door. He'd thought earlier that he might vent his frustrations with a wall, but this isn't how he imagined that going. Let me in. Out? In.
He raises his fist again, intending to strike the door harder. Maybe Jesse's in trouble in there and she can't answer. Or she simply can't hear him, in which case, he needs to get louder. But before fist can hit wood, he spots something from out of the corner of his eye.
Paper? A manuscript page!
Alan drops to one knee to pick up the page, and in the absence of anything sounding like screams or a fight from inside the room, he momentarily abandons his efforts to knock (pound) upon the door.
All Alan has to do is read the first two lines and he knows. ]
Oh... [ How many times had he done this? 5? 50? 500? Okay, maybe 500 was too much for this specific manuscript. Overall? Sure. 50 was a good number.
50 times of writing this, and rewriting it, and trying to get it right. Sometimes no one died. Sometimes Jesse- Faden, the Director, died. Other times, things just didn't work out how he thought they would. Lose the fat. Make it clear. Be clever.
Only, how clever was he really, when people died because of what he wrote? There's a crinkling sound as his grip on the paper tightens. He knows this page. In this attempt, number whatever out of 50, Faden died. Killed, to be precise. Scratch did it, and he laughed as he did. Laughed at Wake for not being able to write the ending.
The scene written on the page flashes into Alan's mind, and the paper crinkles even further as he forms a fist with his hand. Wake used the materials he had. The connections he had. The people. The places. Wake put them in to make it true. He sees a bathroom, and a redhead, and Scratch. Scratch is laughing. The floor is cracked.
The redhead is lying facedown. Not moving. Not anything.
She's dead. It's my fault he got out.
Alan grinds his teeth together. His thoughts still slip away from him too easily, too quickly, and he knows that in so many ways, he is still drowning in the pull of the Dark Place. But Scratch- Scratch must be stopped. He must stop him.
He's not a hero. He's not even much of a fighter. He failed and let Scratch escape. ]
I can fix this. [ It's one of the few sentences he's said with any kind of clarity since Anderson tried to question him for the first time. ] I'll fix this.
[ I'll catch up with you eventually! The words echo in his head, but this time, they're not just an echo of something from the past. He will catch him and put an end to this.
For now, though, he needs to find out if Jesse's all right. He doesn't pound on the door with as much force this time, but it's still loud enough to hopefully catch her attention. And unfortunately, to also catch the attention of the waitress. ]
Excuse me, sir, can I help you?
[ Well, crap. ]
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She thought back on the events she just relived? Witnessed? It felt like Polaris had been... drained. Blocked? Something about the Darkness that double had made Polaris's signal weaker to send out. Almost like she was weaker to use.
« I really need to talk to Emily. How can Darkness block out resonance? I'm not really a scientist so that's definitely not my area. But, I have the feeling we need to know. »
Thud.
Jesse looks up from the floor again and around once more. Her eyes travel to herself in the mirror. Once again her reflection is... wrong. Well, not wrong, but not a reflection. Her other self in the mirror is in the outfit she had seen her mirror self wear in the one in the FBC--the one she had on when that double killed her. That's when she sees the blood running down her forehead and her temples. A dark spot seeps through the outfit where her heart should of been...
Jesse steps closer. It's not the weirdest thing she's seen but it's definitely one of them.
The not-mirror self pulls her hand from the surface of the mirror and then points to the door to the bathroom. The bathroom in the mirror is destroyed with every small detail that led to her fate that round. Jesse hesitates for the briefest moment before looking at the door on her end. Part of her braces for something horrible to come through like before. It doesn't matter that it's daytime. Not when the light is dim and can flicker at any moment. ]
Pu ekaw ot sdeen eh. [ Her not-mirror self speaks, but it's not that Jesse hears her really. It's more like... feeling the vibrations in her mind. Resonating like Polaris does. Is she really talking to herself...?
The not-mirror self raises her hand and slams against the surface of the mirror as if to make her desperate point. ] PU ekaw nala!
[ Suddenly, there is more banging. Knocking that she should of heard coming from the bathroom door. She glances to the door, then back at herself in the mirror. She looks desperate, and not just because of the blood rolling down her face. Desperate, and afraid, and worried. Herself lets out a scream of frustration and slams on the mirror once more as if she's not being heard. ]
PU EKAW NALA!
[ The not-mirror self doesn't so much shout as she cries out that time. Then, in a blink of an eye, the twisted face of Alan Wake shows up behind herself. He smirks and puts his hand on her shoulder. The resonating voice echoes in Jesse's mind.
In a blink of an eye, they're gone.
The bathroom is normal. The mirror is normal and so are the lights. Everything is the way it should be.
She hears the banging at the door again and her attention fully moves to it then. Jesse squares her shoulders, exhales, and forces herself to calm down. Her heart is still racing a million miles a minute while she unlocks the door and grabs the handle. Maybe seeing outside the room will calm her back down. She'll just... go about normal, have breakfast, get Alan back to the cabin, and then contact Emily. It sounds like a strong plan.
A plan that seems to die the moment it forms as she opens the door.
Her gaze first lands on Alan, then immediately to the waitress standing there and waiting. Her eyes dart to find Alan's hand raised. So, he was banging on the door. Why? Was it weird that she just got up and walked to the back? She knows what happened in it was weird, but, it shouldn't have been enough to get Alan to leave the booth.
Behind the waitress is Steve, aviators pulled up on top of his head, glancing between everyone at the whole situation. His eyebrows raise as if to ask the Director if she's alright, but he can tell by the look on her face it isn't. With a quick nod he clears his throat and interjects in the conversation. ]
Sorry, ma'am. She gets travel sick time to time and we're just worried how she was handling settling in. I'll get them back to their seats. [ Steve gently guides the waitress away from the two. ] I'll pay the extra if it disturbed any guests who are here to enjoy, what'd you call it, Deerfest...?
[ « And that's why he's my best ranger. »
Jesse immediately turns her attention back to Alan. She gently pushes him forward to be able to step out of the bathroom and close the door behind her. A brief moment passes. What should she say? Should she say anything? He's not really all there anyways. Would saying anything really matter?
She hasn't even noticed the manuscript page in his hand.
"PU EKAW NALA!"
The message resonates inside her, echoing, like if she had yelled down a large tunnel. The message needs to be passed on.
« Will it really matter if I pass it along? Maybe he's too far gone to hear it. It might not matter. That was... a different time, right? A different shift in reality. It might not matter now... »
The message still persists.
Jesse lifts her hand and places it on Alan's chest. Then, she pushes him up against the wall with just enough force for him to feel it's not just her. It's not just Polaris. It's an echo from another shift before this one she's standing in. How many shifts had their been--how long ago was it? ]
Alan. [ Her tone is stern and direct, low enough so no one else can hear. Her voice wavers. She's scared, despite her best attempts to hide it. Her fingers curl into the shirt he's wearing, but not enough to ball into a fist or push into the fabric further. Just enough pressure to try and get his attention. ] Alan.
Wake up. [ Does this even sound sane? Will he even understand what she's trying to say? ] You need to wake up.
[ "Pu ekaw t'nod uoy fi uoy evas t'nac I." ]
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Something has shifted inside him, however, and he feels as though maybe some of the swirling darkness leftover from the Dark Place has faded. Maybe it's finally letting him go. Knowing that Steve has the waitress situation in hand (man, he really wishes he had money on him right now, cause he'd love to buy the guy the biggest stack of pancakes on the menu), he turns his focus back to Jesse.
The manuscript jogged his memory, in a way, and now he remembers that he'd written about her before, and more than once. Maybe the manuscripts were never completed, destined only to be written and revised until he was satisfied. But each time, there was a connection. Maybe he doesn't want to feel it. Alice is still out there, after all. He hasn't always been the most stand-up guy, and yet he knows that it would feel wrong to him to develop a connection with someone else when he's still married to his wife. But even so, he can't pretend there isn't a connection.
Still, even with the jolt to his memory from the manuscript, something still doesn't feel right. But it's hard to fix something when you don't even know what needs to be fixed. He could spend hours racking his brains trying to bring to mind whatever it is, or he could just wait and let it happen on its own. If it ever does.
His gaze is still on her even as he navigates his thoughts and tries to find some sense in them. Somehow, he can tell he's a little bit more lucid than he was previously, and so he intends to run with that. His eyes snap to hers when she places her hand upon his chest, and they widen when she pushes him against the wall. He opens his mouth to protest, but then he feels the resonance from her and Polaris, but- there's something else there too. ]
What are- What are you doing? [ There's a strange echo present, almost like a callback from another time, but he hasn't a clue what that means. Is it related to whatever happened in the bathroom? Why did she lock herself in there? ] Jesse.
[ Director. Faden. Proper titles that he should probably use, but he isn't because somehow, the name just slipped out like he'd used it before. But when? Where?
Alan. Wake up. His expression shifts into one of confusion, because he thought he was awake. Confused and uncertain as hell, but awake. ]
I'm trying to. [ Trying to navigate the darkness that still lingers that causes him to see things that aren't there, things that happened years ago now. ] I want to wake up.
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« I've waited to come here. I waited until the time and date YOU sent to us. Now, I'm here, and I don't understand anything. You called to me, to US. Now it's all so, so screwed up. What went wrong? Did I do it? What was I supposed to do? »
『 It was powerful but it was coming from far away. And made weak because of the distance... Faden sensed a drowning man. A man desperate to escape. 』
She can hear the echo of that Hotline call in her mind crystal clear, as if she had just gotten it again. Was he rebroadcasting it? What went wrong?
『 Wake needed a hero. 』
« How can I help him?! Help all of us. We're stuck here until... until what? Forever? When does this AWE begin and when does it END? »
Jesse pushes against his chest again to ground him. Focus him. Make him listen to her. Polaris and she aren't invasive like the Hiss. It's a quite frequency that builds, and builds, and stretches out, and offers to help. A guiding star.
Jesse.
Had he called her by her first name before? Besides now, when they met this time. Face to face, not over the Hotline. ]
Alan, please--[ her voice wavers again as the fear is truly evident now. She's not afraid of him but for him; for all of them here in this hellhole of a altered world event, ]--you have to listen to me. You have to wake up.
I can't...
[ « I'm going to fail him just like I failed Dylan. Aren't I? »
A pressure comes from her hand as if Polaris is adding vibrations to every punctured word. A vibration that maybe, just maybe, can get through to him. Wherever he is, wherever he's drowning. A lake, behind that goddamn door in the Motel, in his own head. ]
I can't save you. Not if you don't wake up. So, please. Alan. Wake. Up.
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It's happening again. Bright Falls, it's happening again. [ He hears a familiar echo of ringing inside his head: the ringing of a telephone. Calling the Director. Calling for a hero. Was he rebroadcasting?
...I need help.
It isn't the first time he's expressed the idea of needing someone to help him, but he doesn't remember if he's ever expressed it so directly, even in his own mind. She presses on his chest again and although it doesn't feel like a hard push the way a strong punch would, he gasps.
Alan, please... ]
I can't... [ What good is waking up going to do, when he can't do anything? ] What good is it if I write the things I see? It doesn't change anything. It never changes anything! [ He can't write themselves out of this, not when he barely knows what this entails.
Wake up! If he thought it would help, he'd punch himself in the side of the head in an effort to snap himself out of whatever this is. Jesse's voice sounds desperate, afraid, and he wants to help make her not afraid. It's his fault she's afraid; he wrote about her and put her in the crosshairs and hurt her somehow. Maybe not directly with his own hands, but he wrote it, so it might as well be. It's still a result of what he's written. He wants to help her, but how can he, when he's afraid too?
Alan. Wake. Up. He suddenly goes rigid, head snapping up from where it was threatening to fall and hang low. Eyes wide and more than a little wild, he stares at Jesse as though he's never seen her before. ]
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[ She knows he may not understand the technical terms, but she hopes that he understands what she's saying. Bright Falls will happen again and again because that's the nature of it. But, they can stop it every time. He just needs to work with her! ]
It can change! You stopped it the last time it happened. You wrote the ending, didn't you?!
[ There is a pause and he suddenly snaps to attention. She thinks maybe she has finally gotten through to him after loop after loop. Maybe they finally did it this time. Except, it isn't really Alan Wake looking back at her then. It's not the double either. She's not sure who it is that is staring at her, but it's clear they have no idea who she is. ]
...Alan?
"You know, I thought I might be tired of this game by now. But, it's just so much fun!"
[ The voice sets a chill down her spine. In an instant, Jesse spins on the balls of her feet. Her hands point up with the Service Weapon materializing between them. She fires, and the Darkness ripples.
A familiar face with slicked back hair, trimmed beard, and slick suit steps out of the shadows. He brushes off the shoulder where the bullet would have hit. ]
"And, let me tell you why it's so fun, Miss Director. Because I get to find new and inventive ways EVERY time! Oh, MAN." Mr. Scratch slides his hands into his pocket and glances at Alan, clicking his teeth. "I'd uh, ring and tell him the good news, but you know the old saying. Lights are on and nobody is home! So, let's just cut to the chase and let the poor rat run in another circle."
DIRECTOR!
[ Jesse feels a familiar pressure against her back. She looks behind her, seeing Agent Steve Sevestapol behind her back-to-back. He nods, cycling the gun back in his hands. She glances to the side again.
Alan's gone.
Darkness swirls around them and somewhere in the distance she hears Agent Saga Anderson and Agent Alex Casey shouting for her. It's happening again. They're going to loop back. Its a different start this time, and Polaris doesn't even need to tell her. She just knows.
The FBI Agents finally join with the members of the FBC, making an odd square with their backs together. The laughter carries in the air and they all know this stand will be their last. ]