synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

OCEANVIEW PATHS

but we can leave our gilded cages.

Two worlds colliding
There ain't no bargaining
No giving in without a fight CODE BY TESSISAMESS

[ Buried is exactly the right word. He feels like he knows something, like a switch was flipped, and he should have mastery over what he can do, but it's just... buried. Buried and he can't access it. Does he even want to? ]

This won't be the only time. We'll have more. Maybe we could even make this something regular.

[ But then he looks at her with a question in his eyes. ] What about your work, your schedule? Maybe you won't always be here. [ He realizes then that he doesn't know what her schedule looks like or how busy she'll be.

Before he can think too much about that, she's moving away from him, and he misses her immediately when she does. It doesn't matter that she's only a few paces away from him; he misses the feeling of having her nearby.

But the food will get cold if they don't eat it, so he moves back over to the stove. ]

Here, let me... [ He starts dishing it up, wanting to serve her. Maybe the stack of pancakes he gives her is too many, but he does it anyway, adding to it eggs and bacon as well. ]

Maybe I went a little overboard. [ He shrugs his shoulders, looking at the remaining number of pancakes after he's served her. Maybe he can't even eat all of them, but the best he can do is try, right?

With that thought in mind, he serves himself what's left, and then he turns around to look at her again. ]

Hopefully it all tastes good. I- Well, it's been a long time since I've done this.

[ It might come back in time. Once Alan feels settled in his life back in reality. The knowledge of the other world coming back to the hero, or something like that. Jesse only vaguely knows the "Hero's Journey." Maybe she should look into it more. It might help him. ]

It better be. We live together.

[ « I don't think he's really realized we live together. Occupying a space with one another. But not... living together. » ]

We'll figure something out. Maybe you can come by the Oldest House if I can't come home that night? There's nothing saying you can't.

[ She simply blinks at how big her portion ends up being. Then again, Alan barely eats. It's not surprising he would give her more. She can eat on it throughout the day.

« I need to update Emily.
»

Jesse moves the plates to the small dining table. She grabs thr syrup, butter, salt and pepper. Then, she moves the chairs closer together. She wants to sit next to him. Just in case it can encourage him to eat.

Once the stove is turned off she motions him over to join her and takes a seat. ]

Then we'll just know what to fix next time.

[ He wants it to come back, just like he wants everything from his life before all this back. Well, maybe not all of it. But he wants to be Alan Wake again, just without the lashing out and the acting out and all the bad things he did before. Whether he figures out his abilities or not, that's not really the most important thing here. It's important, sure, but it's not at the top of his list of priorities. ]

... Yeah, we do. I- I have to remind myself about that sometimes, like this isn't just something temporary and you're going to ask me to leave and find my own place when you've had enough. [ He pauses. ] I like being here with you, even if it might not always seem like it.

[ He doesn't even know he's unwittingly echoed her thoughts, or the question in them about whether or not he's realized he's with her for good. He lives here, he's not just some transient passing through. ]

Could I really do that? You'd let me visit you there? I guess I thought- well, I thought only actual agents could go there. Or it's like a courthouse and people only go there if they work there or they have a case or something.

[ Part of him wonders if he made the difference in their portion sizes too obvious, but he's still stuck on the idea that he wants to do nice things for her.

He watches her move the plates to the table, then grab the other things they'll need for their breakfast, and then she's beckoning him over to join her. He joins her immediately, sitting next to her and noticing how she's moved the chairs closer together. ]

Maybe I'll do this for you every week. [ He smiles at her warmly and pauses, as if waiting for her to take the first bite.

He makes a mental note to ask what she wants to do the rest of the day, or if she has to go to the Oldest House. If she does, he'll find something at the apartment to keep him busy. ]

[ Before she even begins to cut into the pancakes, Jesse reaches over and gently rests her hand over his once he takes his seat beside her. Just a small touch to remind him that he is here in the condo with her. They live together. ]

I'd only suggest that if it was obvious you were miserable living with me. Maybe you'll be one day. [ A glance is given to the side. ] Maybe I'll be too weird, or Polaris will be too much.... who knows. I'm not going to let you go unless you want to go.

[ Her fingers gently brush along his. ] Alan. You're a parautalitarian. There's not much documentation on what we can do. Research would want you there just for that alone. Beyond that? I'm the Director. Who says you can't come and visit me at work? You have beyond the clearance for that.

[ She smiles at him. A small one that speaks true volumes. The one that he is used to, but the glitter in her eyes never stops. Polaris hums gently, quietly, in the background. ]

I'd like that. Having breakfast or dinner with you for sure once a week. Like a real date.

[ He pauses in surprise when she places her hand over his. As always, it feels nice. Calming, reassuring. He wants to be here with her, and he considers himself beyond lucky that she lets him live with her. ]

Why would I ever be miserable with you? [ His gaze lowers for a second as emotion clouds his eyes. ] You stuck with me through all the loops, and you were there when I came back. You didn't just leave, although you could have.

[ And maybe he wouldn't have survived the process of coming back from the Dark Place and having to readjust to everything. If he'd had to go through that alone, maybe he wouldn't be here talking to her now. ]

I'm never going to leave you, not willingly.

[ His eyes shift over to where she's brushing her fingers against his own, and a quiet sigh escapes him. ] I guess that it would be helpful if I talked to someone at Research and let them take notes.

[ He knows he doesn't sound too enthusiastic about that, but he also knows he can't pick and choose only the pleasant things. ] Well, if that's the case, I want to visit you there sometimes. As often as I'm allowed to.

[ He's already thought about having breakfast or dinner dates with her. He'll never be a brilliant chef, but he likes to think he's not bad. But then again, they haven't tried the pancakes that he made yet. What if they're terrible? ]

I guess you should try what I made today and see if you like it. Maybe you won't want to eat anything else I've made for you.

There's plenty of reasons for our not-normal relationship. [ Her hand curls around his tightly then. ] I couldn't have stopped until the AWE was ended by standards of me being Director. It's more than that. Was more than that.

[ A small shake in her hand begins.

« Even if in the end I had to let him go. He had to go back to save Saga and Casey. » ]

It'll probably be Emily. I'll be there. [ She's probably the only one that can help if he starts to spiral out again. She'll have to be there as a partner, not the Director. ] We can go in today. If you feel like it. Or, tomorrow. That might be better.

[ Shaking fingers stretch along his. Eyes raise to him. There's not a hesitation in eating, but more in worried that as soon as they start eating that he'll... spiral out? Disappear? She's not sure which one or why the feeling is even there.

« It felt like he was going to leave last night. That once I woke up, he'd just be gone. I know he said he isn't going to leave willingly. But... why won't this feeling go away? »

Polaris shifts around them again.

Her shaking hand leaves his only so she can cut into the pancakes with her fork. She tries it without syrup at first. Then, she does another bite with syrup.

« Definitely better with syrup. » ]

It's a little dry. That's normal for pancakes. [ Her eyes go up to him with a smile in them. ] Maybe we should ask Rose for the Oh Deer Diner recipe.

[ « I hope he realizes thats a joke. » ]

[ A stray thought that comes from Alan's worries comes to mind then: What if she only stayed with you because she had to end the AWE? Isn't that what she's saying? She didn't go through all those loops with you because she loved you.

Alan's hands clench into fists as he feels a spike of anxiety, but also anger at his internal thoughts. No, that's not it. She said it's more than that, and I believe her. I have to believe her. I won't listen to anything else saying otherwise. ]

But you stayed because of more than just needing to end the AWE, right? [ He knows he believes her, because she just said exactly that, but he just needs to hear it stated again, at least once. ]

Emily. I think- Wasn't she there when... [ He gives a noncommittal jerk of his head. ] When I had just come back, and... well, you know. [ He doesn't like talking about the bits and pieces he can remember any more than she probably does. ]

Tomorrow sounds good. [ Then he can try and prepare himself for being questioned and interviewed.

He feels her fingers shaking, and he instinctively puts his other hand on top of hers to try and be reassuring. Comforting. Something. He can tell she seems worried, but she always seems worried to some degree when they're together. It's always because of me, and I want her to be able to be around me and not be worried. But fixing that starts with me.

Maybe pancakes wasn't a good place to start.

But speaking of pancakes, he watches as she starts cutting into the pancakes, and he realizes that for some reason, he's holding his breath. ]

Dry, huh? [ He feels a small pinprick of disappointment. ] Maybe I didn't follow the directions well enough.

[ But if he's really disappointed, he doesn't let it show. He smiles at her, and the smile reaches his eyes, and he even chuckles a little. ]

Knowing Rose, she'd give us fifty copies of it just in case we lose one.

[ It's not a great joke, but it's an attempt, right? ]

[ She pauses mid bite at his question. Green shimmering eyes snap to his gray ones. An emotion similar to hurt shines in her gaze. ]

... you really think all of this is just because of me needing to be the Director about the leftovers of the AWE? [ Her voice goes into those soft tones. ] That's--it's not even five percent of it.

I wanted you home.

[ « It's selfish. I want something... someone. Someone to share this life with. He reached out to ME. He started all of this. Why would he think I only care as the Director? » ]

Yeah. She's my Head of Research. My best friend. [ Jesse glances down. ] She gets a little overexcited, but, it's not like being a mad scientist. It shouldn't. That's not the kind of Buearu I want to lead.

[ Her shaking hand curls underneath his own. Not to pull away. If anything an attempt to control her emotions under his support. ]

Some recipes are just dry, Alan. That's not a bad thing.

[ She cuts another piece of the pancakes off with the fork. Then, she holds the pancake filled fork up for him to take a bite. ]

We'll just need to make it better than Rose's. You're the chef, what do you want to do different next time? Try it.

[ He feels her green eyes almost pierce him when they snap to meet his gray ones. He doesn't let himself look away, though; he knows what he said, and he knows what her reaction is going to be, but somehow... this feels important. Not because he wants to hurt her; he's never wanted to do that, even though he knows he has in the past. ]

No, I don't think that. I've never thought that, but that's what the Dark Place does. You're there alone in the dark and it creeps up on you before you've even noticed it, and you start thinking all kinds of thoughts. Dark thoughts, the worst thoughts you've ever had. And then... And then you start to question what you know.

[ And that seems to be what he's having trouble shaking off. The lack of sleep and the inability to eat are the big ones, but he also can't stop himself from questioning things. Doubting his own knowledge. ]

It's not how I want to be. I wanted to come home, I wanted to be with you. I knew you wanted me home too.

[ The Dark Presence can jump off a bridge. ]

She must be great if she's your best friend. It'll be good to meet her properly. I'm betting I didn't make a good impression when she met me the first time.

[ His fingers curl lightly against her hand, hoping to reassure her while also apologizing for what he said earlier. One day, maybe he'll stop hurting her with his words. ]

A chef, huh? [ His lips curl up into a half-grin. ] I'm not that; I'm just someone trying to make a nice breakfast for his... His girlfriend. [ It's the first time he's put a word to their relationship, but it sounds nice to him. It sounds more than nice; he wonders if she'll feel the same way.

He looks at the fork filled with pancakes, and then he looks back at her for just a second. This feels like something couples do, and he knows he wants to be a couple with Jesse. ]

Okay.

[ He takes a bite of the pancakes, and his eyes widen in surprise. Dry or not, it's one of the best things he's tasted in a long time. ]

It tastes fine to me, but that probably doesn't mean a whole lot.

[ Alan can read her emotions. He can read the subtle body language. Nothing about her is ever truly a secret to him. In some ways she loves that, and in others, she wonders if it means he'll keep misunderstanding her. She knows he needs to hear it bluntly sometimes. Just... it's difficult for her. She tries. Just, maybe it's not good enough. ]

It was like that with the Hiss. [ Her eyes drop and stare at the table for a moment. ] I mentioned it before. I never explained it. Did I?

[ She smiles by just a fraction. ] Yeah. She's been a good friend. Just... a little excitable. When it comes to science.

[ "His girlfriend."

Jesse pauses. Her eyes widen, and a blush creeps to her face.

« His girlfriend... is that better than "partner"? » ]

It should taste the best to you. You made it. [ An almost shy smile takes her face. ] They say that things taste the best when they're made with love. Or, something.

[ Can it be said that he can read her emotions and her body language when he seems to misunderstand her so often? At least to him, it feels as though he fails to really understand what she's telling him. The only times that he doesn't seem to fail at it is when they're being intimate. Then, they seem to be on exactly the same page. ]

It was? [ He really doesn't like talking about this any more than she does, but it seems as though it's going to be a subject they keep coming back to. He wishes that wasn't the case, just like he wishes he didn't have to talk about the Dark Place or the Dark Presence, but sometimes it just seems to happen. ] Maybe you did and I forgot.

If you say she's a good friend, then I know she is. Excitable... well, at least someone is. I was excited about seeing you again; I'm excited to see you every time I wake up. [ He knows he can say that and mean it. ]

But I want you to like it too, so that just means I need to figure out what works and what doesn't so that I can make it better next time. [ And that sounds uncomfortably similar to his process of writing in the Dark Place, not that he intends to mention that. ]

Well, I did make it with you in mind, so maybe that helps. [ A thought suddenly occurs to him, but he doesn't voice it out loud, simply because it seems like a ridiculous, even childish thought. Instead, he picks up his own fork and pokes at the pancakes he served for himself. ]

I don't think I did.

[ Her lips press together. Fingers brush along his underneath his hands. The tremor remains in her touch. She doesn't really like thinking about the whole experience. Still, Alan needs to know what she experienced. Just to know that he isn't alone to some degree. ]

The Hiss got in because the connection to Polaris was cut. Hedron died... and it took me reconnecting with Polaris to reestablish it. [ She brushes her fingers along his again. ] It was like--being swarmed all at once. It hurt. There was just so much trying to funnel through my ears, my brain, everything. Everything was red. Then... it was over. Nothing. Those words they said, that poem. It filtered in and the next thing I knew? I was in the Oldest House as a office worker. Cleaning mugs, making copies, delivering mail. Trying to impress... myself, I guess. Prove I could do it.

Every time I got close to breaking through? I found myself right back where I started. Until I was finally able to push through to find the Service Weapon. Then, I found my way to Polaris. It was like a dream, but it was real. Soreal. The Hiss's dream they put you in to control you. Where all you had to do was do what you were told and mindlessly walk through it all.

[ Jesse inhales and twirls her fork. A shy smile is sent to him. The shake is obvious in her arm and her gaze. ] Every time, huh?

[ Her fork lowers the moment he starts trying to poke at his servings. She rests it on her plate before leaning against him. Then, a gentle kiss is placed onto his cheek. A small form of encouragement for him to push forward. ]

[ Alan quiets again; it's not the same kind of quiet that he descended into the day before, but it's a sober, serious sort of quiet. It's the kind of quiet that has an undercurrent of dread and fear and worry, and Alan's hand curls more against Jesse's as she starts to explain. Sometimes, it's all too clear to Alan that they've both been touched by darkness, just like so many others have too: Rose, Cynthia, Barbara Jagger... But the two of them are still here. Well, Rose is still around too. But they survived and they're still surviving.

What is it that makes the difference? He wonders to himself before he silences and listens to Jesse talk. When she's finished, Alan remains quiet; not because he wasn't listening or because he zoned out. He's keyed into every word, taking each word she says in and trying to process it. ]

So... so you know what it's like. The Hiss, the Dark Presence... they're not the same thing, but they work the same way. They want to carve everything that makes you you out and leave nothing left, nothing but mindlessness. [ He's not sure if he wants to touch the poem that she mentions. He can't remember specifics, but he used the poem. The incantation. Did he write the incantation? Why did he do it? The Hiss already existed; he didn't create them. He just wrote the words. That means he's partly at fault. It's one more thing that he's to blame for. ]

If no one else understands what it's like, I know that you do. You understand.

[ He reaches out to her then, trying to place his arm around her shoulders just briefly. He wants to reassure her, offer comfort. Maybe he's bad at it, but he doesn't think so, somehow. She's responded to his comfort before, hasn't she? ]

Yeah, every time. And I like waking up to you every morning.

[ He feels her leaning against him, and he feels the strands of her red hair brushing against his hand, his arm. The kiss she gives him sends a shiver up his spine. He uses the fork in his hand to cut off a portion of the pancakes, and while still leaning against her, he raises his hand to take a bite, something he's actually managed to do on his own, under his own power. ]

You mentioned over the Hotline that they were similar. "If one, why not another?"

Or, something like that.

They are both entities that carve out things to dominate them. Make it so they're the only ones that are left and in control. The Hiss overwhelms you... bends you. Breaks you. Forces you to their frequency of just pure chaos. The more you sink into their dream? The more you're apart of them.

Dylan seemed to be in more control of it. Maybe because he's like me. You. "P6" was what the Bureau referred to him as. Prime Canidate 6 ...and I was 7.

[ Her cheek rests against his arm and she gently rubs her face into the fabric of the shirt he wore the day before. She leans into his comfort as she did the morning before at the coffee shop. ]

Yeah... I know. Several people in the Bureau know.

[ Despite it all? She smiles at him. Her green eyes focus on him as he begins to eat the pancakes. She doesn't applaud or treat him like a child for the feat. Instead, just a smile, and turning back to her own meal. ]

I wonder if both the Hiss and the Dark Presence had a connection somehow. Maybe they're not both related to the Dark Place, but maybe there's a similarity. Or maybe they're just two entities trying to take everything as theirs.

Either way, it sounds terrible, and all too similar to how the Dark Presence tries to dig its way in. [ Alan gives an involuntary shudder at the thought of how the Dark Presence is, and at the images he's seeing in his mind's eye because of Jesse's descriptions of the Hiss. ]

Dylan, your brother? He can do things too? [ But then Alan looks confused at the terms Jesse's using. ] P6 and 7. Prime Candidates. What's that?

[ At the feeling of her rubbing her face into the fabric of his shirt and how she leans into him, he wants to put aside the breakfast he's slowly working on so he can just pull her closer and hold her. He could never grow tired of holding her or being close to her. ]

... Maybe it would be good to talk to more people who know. Not that talking to you isn't enough, but being around others who know what we know... who aren't pretending it doesn't exist or that it doesn't happen to people. Maybe that would be good.

[ He smiles warmly back at her as he pokes the pancakes again with his fork. ]

I think... they're entities that are similar. Not the same, but, can compliment. Which is why Hartman turned out the way he did. [ Her head tilts into his arm more. ] You mentioned on the Hotline that they Dark Presence allowed the Hiss in. Let it work with it. It was weak, I think? From being cut off from the Lake for so long. So, it would mean they can ignore one another?

[ « Which means it's the same as you and the Light. Right? You compliment and work together if you choose to do so. »

Polaris swirls.

« I wonder then... does Alan have the Light like Hartman had the Dark Presence? Just another thing to test. He'll love that. » ]

Polaris reached out to both of us. Unlocked both of our abilities. [ Her gaze drifts down slightly with a frown on her face. Fingers continue to move along his and down to his palm in some sort of motion for comfort. Comfort she doesn't really deserve as she is the one that left her brother behind.

« It's classified. How much do I tell him? He was on the list too. Doesn't he deserve to know? » ]

Trench--the previous Director--set up a program to help identify parautalitarians. He was elected to become Director after the one before him... was irresponsible. Trench wanted to avoid that. He wanted candidates that they could prepare for the spot. [ Jesse's fingers curl inside his hold suddenly. A tight fist. ] "Prime Canidate 6" and "Prime Canidate 7." They took Dylan and tried to groom him--and forgot human decency. More like a test subject than anything. When his powers were erratic, probably because of how they treated him, they locked him down. Threw away the key. After feeling Polaris left him... and me... I don't blame him for thinking the Hiss was the better option.

[ « He could control it and be apart of something. Make everyone else be apart of it as well. » ]

You were on the Prime Canidate list too. I'm guessing because of what happened in Bright Falls. Even before I went after Hartman? I found documents about you and the AWE in 2010. We even have an Altered Item that's a coffee thermos... and one of your manuscript pages. [ Jesse pauses, eyes flicking up to the ceiling. ] I think that's the first time I heard your voice. People hear your voice narrating what's on the page. I saw you writing that page.

[ Part of her would like to think it's some romantic connection. It's not that. She's a parautalitarian too... and has access to the Hotline. ]

Getting other perspectives is good. You'd like Arish.

[ She nudges him with her shoulder to encourage him to eat more. Despite how her hand is still locked into a fist. ]

Entities that are similar, but not the same... [ Alan's expression shifts into one that's thoughtful, as he thinks this over. It's something that requires actual thought and time to process it. Time to absorb the information he's being given and try his best to understand it. ] Hartman let the darkness in, or maybe the darkness persuaded him to let it in. Maybe he always had darkness inside him.

[ Alan's own expression darkens at the thought of Hartman. ] Maybe the Dark Presence needed the Hiss for something... for some strange symbiotic relationship. Except I don't know if symbiotic is the right word for two things that are basically parasites, if I'm understanding it all.

[ He feels his head start to ache, but he tries to ignore it. Now isn't the time for distractions. He quiets as Jesse continues talking, and he continues holding her hand and letting her fingers stroke his hand. If it helps comfort her, he has no issues with any of it. All he wants is for her to feel loved and safe and comforted, even when things around them are difficult. ]

So... [ Alan's expression has turned serious again, his mouth pressed into a thin line. When he speaks, his tone has dropped a few notches into a lower register. ] So that's why you wouldn't let anyone lock me up, even if I asked for it. Even if I thought it was necessary. It was because of Dylan, wasn't it?

[ Was she thinking about her brother and how he was treated, and thinking that she'd never do that to anyone else? If it was, I can't blame her for that. ]

That's why you want to be different. Why you want things to be different as long as you're around... as long as you're Director. No more locking people up, or treating them like a test subject.

[ That's why she won't let me be treated like one, right? ]

Wait. [ With all the revelations about her brother, Alan's thoughts were distracted. Focused elsewhere. But then she said that he was on the list. ] Why would I-

[ But then she answers the question with her own guesses and theories, and then she keeps going with further revelations. A thermos. One of his manuscript pages.

Alan's face twists into confusion as he tries to make sense of all this, and he shakes his head. It's information he's hearing for the first time, and for reasons he barely understands, it surprises him. She knew about him before the Hartman situation; they had a thermos and a page he'd written... a page that has his own narration reading it out. And somehow, she had a vision or something of him reading it.

It's shocking to Alan without him really understanding why that is. ]

Arish? What does he do?

[ She nudges his shoulder, and he stares down at the plate of pancakes, but his mind is reeling with what she's just told him, and he just pokes them with his fork again. Maybe he'll keep eating after a minute, but he's trying to make sense of everything he's learned. ]

Given what I read? I wouldn't be surprised if he always had it in him. He tried to get other artists to so what you and apparently Zane did. Tried to con the Buearu into joining him. They took it all away and he jumped in the Lake... apparently he saw you and Zane roaming around the wood.

[ « I'm betting it was Scratch. Not Alan. » ]

Parasites together. Peachy.

[ Her gaze moves downwards. ] I wasn't going to lock up someone I love. Especially if it wouldn't do any of us any good.

Trench and Darling's ways screwed the Bureau. Screwed me and Dylan. Who knows who else. I'm not making those mistake. We're going to be better.

Somethings have to be locked up for safety. It wasn't you that was the problem. It was the Dark Prsence trying to come back with you. It's not a problem now so you don't need to ever be locked up. [ She pauses. ] Hartman did.

[ Her hand curls around his finally. Tightens. ]

They found a manuscript page from you. They saw it come from under the Spiral Door in the Motel. That's when everything with Hartman happened in the Oldest House. [ Her head tilts and presses into his arm further. ] After I closed the Slide Projector to the Hiss... you came over the Hotline.

He works security. [ She pauses. ] I've offered him the chance to move up. He doesn't have the interest. Fair enough.

[ « Not everyone is cut out for management. » ]

Edited 2024-10-31 10:55 (UTC)

I never understood why; I thought he was an ass, a jerk... Maybe he was looking for power or to get a reputation, but-

[ Alan shakes his head; he remembers feeling rage directed at Hartman and even hating him and thinking he was an evil person. Part of him still feels that way, but he's seen what the Dark Presence does and seen how it digs its way into a person. Maybe it dug out the worst parts of Hartman and used those to its advantage. ]

Even then, I can't understand why anyone would jump into the Lake just because they could. I had my reasons for doing it; Alice didn't have a choice. Hartman had a choice, and I think he made the wrong one.

[ Alan's expression shifts to something thoughtful but still worried. The Dark Presence isn't gone, and neither is the Dark Place, and as far as he can tell, the Hiss are still out there too. Parasites. ]

How do you fight the Hiss? You can't kill them like you can kill a person with a gun. [ Maybe that was a bad choice of words, because suddenly Alan remembers staring down the barrel of a gun more than once. He doesn't remember being struck with a bullet, but it probably happened even though he forgot about it. ]

I know you're not going to lock me up, but you still can, if you decide you need to. [ He's still giving her free rein to do that, not that he expects her to ever accept his offer and play that card. ] I don't know if the Dark Presence can reach me here, or-

[ A thought occurs to him then and his expression seems to tighten as he realizes what could possibly happen. For now, though, he tries to put it from his mind and he tries to shift his expression back to something more neutral. ]

A manuscript page under the door... I think I remember it, or parts of it. Maybe I just remember writing the page but not what's on it. [ He hates how spotty his memory is. There's things he should know, and he remembers them in part, but whenever he tries to fill in the blanks, nothing happens. ]

Well, I can't wait to meet him, and anyone else around there that you want me to meet.

[ But do they want to meet me?

Alan wouldn't blame anyone there for being skeptical, even apprehensive around him. ]

The Bureau took his life's work. Maybe he felt there wasn't much left to do than that. Prove everyone wrong or... something.

[ « Alan chose to jump into the Lake--the Threshold. Twice. Both times to save people. Not that it's worth bringing up. We finally got to eat a meal together. I don't want to accidently screw it up by saying the wrong thing. »

Jesse gives no verbal answer to his question. Instead, her hand pulls away from his own just a bit. Enough so that he can feel Polaris coming through her hands. Not Jesse's own power. Polaris is the only way to fight the Hiss that they know currently. Replacing the Hiss Resonance with Polaris'. ]

I don't plan to find out if it can.

[ She pauses. ] When we go to the Oldest House? I'll show it to you. Maybe you'll remember something.

Apparently the link to the Motel and the Dark Place happened when that did. The Spiral Door appeared there. Though, no one has been able to get into it. No keys apparently. At least, that's we have. The only time I've ever seen it open is when you opened it. Not just to join me in the Motel, but, when I was chasing Hartman down...

The door was open. I saw you talking to Zane, but, he looked exactly like you. [ Green eyes flick up to his as if expecting an explanation. ] I don't think either of you realized I was there looking in.

[ « Well, he can't meet everyone. Dylan... he's still not awake. »

She gently prods his hand with her finger. He needs to eat. ]

I guess maybe I'd feel the same way if I lost everything I'd been working on my whole life. But maybe not; I mean, all I do is write books. Maybe Hartman started out actually wanting to help people and he lost sight of that along the way.

I'll never like Hartman, but maybe he wasn't always like this.

[ She pulls her hand away and he almost asks her if he upset her somehow, but then he feels the pulse of Polaris's resonance coming through Jesse's hands and into his. It's not just a resonance; it's power, and it's strong. Stronger than the Hiss and the Dark Presence, although Alan has difficulty thinking that anything could be more powerful than the Dark Presence. Still, Polaris feels plenty powerful to him, and Jesse believes in Polaris, so that means he has to believe in her too. ]

... Yeah. I never want to go back to the Dark Place. [ And I never want to have more of myself carved away by it again. ]

Maybe. It would be good if I did, wouldn't it? [ He quiets then, simply listening to her explanation about what happened when the page appeared under the door. He's noticed that when he needs a minute to just regroup and collect himself, he becomes quiet. He's not zoning out or spiraling away; he just becomes tired and needs a moment to recharge and gather his thoughts again. He never was like that before, but it just seems to be yet another side effect of being in another dimension for thirteen years. ]

... Talking to Zane. I- I did that a few times, I think. Talked to someone who said his name was Zane. [ Alan shakes his head. ] I think we argued more than once. [ His gray eyes lock onto hers in return. He doesn't have much of an explanation about anything when it comes to Zane. ] I think... maybe that was one of the times we argued. I remember him making me angry, but I don't know why.

[ She prods at his hand then, and he pulls himself out of his thoughts long enough to remember they were eating breakfast. He still has his fork in his hand poised above the pancakes like he was about to take another bite before his mind wandered away.

He cuts himself off another piece, but he doesn't move to eat it just yet. She'll probably notice the hint of a faraway look in his eyes, but he's still not drifting. He's thinking, but all it's doing is distracting him from the task of eating. ]

Do you sometimes wish that the world could be less complicated? [ He stares down at the fork in his hand before finally slowly putting the bite of pancakes into his mouth and chewing on it. ]

If you lost your books like that... I imagine you'd be mad. Maybe not to the point you'd jump in a lake that is haunted by an alien evil cloud.

[ She nods to his statement. No one wants Alan to go back to the dark. She knows her opinion hardly matters compared to his, but, she might punch a hole through realities if something tried to drag him back. A story, his own need to save people, whatever it might be. She's not letting him go anymore. ]

It was more like ... an argument, I guess. He was insisting you were working together. Not that you really believed him. [ Jesse glances up at him. ] You looked .. confused. Disoriented. And, I don't mean he looked like you. He looked exactly like you. Even down to the same tweed jacket. [ Her tone turns slightly fond at the mention of the old outfit. ] There was a spiral picture on the wall too. Not sure what was going on with that.

[ Jesse sits up straight in order to go back to eating. If anything, it may encourage Alan to do so as well. Not that she expects him to eat the entire plate. Him eating any of it means more than the world to her right now. He'll be able to sleep, and with more sleep, his mind will heal as well. It's a huge step in her mind. ]

I wouldn't know what to do with a world like that. [ She fall silent for a moment. She turns the fork in her hand. ] This... it's always been this way for me. Ever since Ordinary. The world being simpler? It made no sense.

[ Her fork twirls again. ]

That's where we're different. You had a normal less complicated life. You got married, had a career... everything before the Dark Presence found you. That's where we're different. [ « Is it too different? Will that keep us from... not that it matters. Marriage? He wouldn't marry me. That's fine. Living with him is enough. » ] It took me my whole life to find the Bureau. Finding a place that I belong with how the world is. I wouldn't trade that.

[ He stops to think about that for a moment. How upset would he be if something like that happened? Would he be incensed? Distraught? Maybe at first, but maybe it would be an opportunity for a fresh start. But he knows one thing is for sure: he's never going back into the lake. ]

No, I wouldn't even think about going near a lake, haunted or otherwise, even if I lost every book I'd ever written. [ His expression has a hint of doubt, as if maybe this is a case of "famous last words", but he believes he wouldn't even consider going near Cauldron Lake unless someone close to him was in danger. ]

You know why I jumped into the lake the first time. It was to save Alice, and the second time was to save everyone else, or at least... try to save them. I don't think I'd jump in just because I lost my books.

[ But that doubt that's rooting itself into the back of his mind isn't so easily shaken off. It's that doubt that makes him reach for Jesse's hand to hold it again. ]

... Insisting we worked together. Why does that sound familiar? Someone said that to me before, or I heard someone say that. I think I met Zane again, or someone who called himself Zane. [ Alan shakes his head. The memories of his time in the Dark Place are fragmented, and he can't really put a finger on if he actually met Zane or if he only imagined he did. ] I don't think it was me who worked with him. I think he met Scratch somehow, or he met me when the Dark Presence got me...

[ Alan's hand curls and his expression darkens, because he really doesn't like talking about this. ]

I'm not sure what was going on with any of that.

[ His gaze shifts when he registers her straightening up, looking like she's about to resume eating again. He has yet to do the same, as his mind is whirling with thoughts and half-formed images and memories. ]

You wouldn't want to experience a life like that? You could get a job working somewhere, do your eight hours, and then go home for the day. Maybe we could've done that together: just the two of us, no alien forces, no darkness... just two people living a life, day after day.

[ But then his brow furrows as another realization hits him. ] You wouldn't like that, would you? Being normal, not having Polaris... Maybe we wouldn't have met at all. I guess if you could start over from the beginning and choose between that normal life and the kind of life that you have now, it's pretty clear which one you would choose.

[ But a part of him, that sentimental part, wishes Jesse could have had a happier start to her life, and maybe... just maybe, not have had so many bad things happen to her and to the people around her. ]

Normal? Sure. Less complicated? [ He shrugs. ] But was I really happy though? Were any of us really happy? [ Are we happy now? ]

If I didn't go through all of that, if I didn't know what I know now, maybe I'd never have met you. Maybe I'd just go through life feeling like I was missing something without ever knowing what that something was.

[ He pauses for a moment, and then he adds: ] I'm glad that that didn't happen. I'm glad that I met you.

[ And in a rare moment of sentimentality, Alan curls his fingers more around the hand that he's holding and he slowly lifts it until he can press a light kiss to the back of her hand.

For now, even though he knows it'll only help him in the long run, eating seems to have fallen to the back of his mind again. What's important is showing Jesse how much he cares about her. ]

Edited 2024-11-04 17:25 (UTC)

Yeah... I know. And, you saved them. Every one of them.

[ Once more, Jesse falls quiet. They haven't talked about anything when it comes to "Return." She's made sure not to bring it up due to being worried he may have another episode like he had while they were shopping.

« No. That's not the only reason. That's just the convient reason. The one that works so I don't need to explain the other one. I don't want him to know how much it hurt. How it took everything in me not to hold him back at those campgrounds. "Return" wasn't about me. I wasn't even the hero or the main character. It doesn't matter to anyone but me... I don't want him to feel worse about everything. »

Still, the image of watching the car drive off into the night is burned into her memories. The way the red lights flared up on the back with braking as he turned the corner. The end of the FBI's rental car disappearing around the bend. The way the atmosphere calmed as the story followed Alan to his destination. Feeling that force unlock from her ankle and letting her be free.

Seeing Alan awake and free from the Dark Presence for the first time... only to let him turn away and get into the car.

Jesse's eyes flick downwards as she eats another bite.

Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night to turn and make sure he's really next to her. She'd leave her office in the middle of the night to check on him when they kept him in the Oldest House.

Her hand gently curls around his, as if she's suddenly worried touching him will make the entire experience disappear. ]

Scratch working with anyone is hard to believe. [ A stiffness enters her tone. She can remember a conversation with Scratch, trying to keep his at bay when the others had the Clicker. Another failed loop. ] He came off as more "It's all about me and what I want."

[ Jesse pauses again at his questions and musings. Her eyes drop once more. A sudden feeling of guilt rises that she isn't normal. No, not guilt, more of an insecurity. A worry. Should she apologize for not being normal or looking for a normal life? She's thought that's what Alan has wanted. That he'd tolerate the weirdness, the Buearu, Polaris... but never truly want to be in the world where all of it resides.

« Knowing the poster is off the wall but pretending most the time it's still covering the hole. »

Her eyes dart to the side. She frowns slightly. ]

I don't... [ Her lips press together as her gaze drops further. ] I can't imagine a life like that. Something where you don't know what's truly out in the world. I don't know what that's like. Even if--I still was afraid the Buearu would find me. Take me away. Instead of me finding them on my own terms.

I don't know what a life like you had is like. [ Vulnerability fills her tone. Worry, even. Fear she's let him down or failed an expectation or maybe even dream he had for them. ] I... I can't know if I'd like that or not.

[ Her hand curls in his hold as he kisses it. Jesse closes her eyes and her shoulders curl. She's touched, flustered even, but still gripped by the other emotions Alan Wake is so damn good at unlocking inside her. ]

You were happy with Alice. [ No judgemental in her tone. Just vulnerability, insecurity, a hint of shyness. Red on her cheeks despite how she tries to hide her eyes from him. So he doesn't see her emotions. ] Maybe you wouldn't have loved me if I was just... normal. You wouldn't have a reason to. You'd be happy with Alice. Writing. Being artists together.

Edited 2024-11-04 18:15 (UTC)

Not all of them. I didn't save all of them. [ People died because of me. I killed them. Got them killed.

Alan feels himself pulling back, withdrawing into his thoughts again, as guilt and regret resurface. He can't undo the harm he's caused, and he can't bring back the people who died in the process of his story, and that will never sit right with him.

Jesse seems to be lost in her own thoughts, while Alan is dealing with the guilt that keeps swirling around him. Faces appear in his mind's eye; some of them are people he recognizes, while others are strangers, nameless to him. But they have names; they were someone's father or mother, brother or sister... They were taken by the story, and the story remains Alan's fault. He still blames himself for all of it, including and maybe worst of all, how he hurt Jesse in the process of the story.

He could spend the rest of his life trying to make that up to her, and he intends to do just that.

Her hand curls around his, and he's quick to imitate the gesture to try and reassure her that he's here and not going anywhere. ]

I think that he would do it if he knew that there was something he could get out of it. Or maybe if he could manipulate his way into getting it. But then again, I don't think I'm an expert on Scratch. More often than not, he outplayed me.

[ Or did I outplay myself? ]

It's all right. You don't have to imagine a life like that. You're you, and I love you exactly how you are. I love you because of who you are. We can just have the life we have now; that's all we really need, isn't it?

[ Before he pulls away and releases her hand, he brushes his lips against the back of it again, wanting to communicate again that he loves her. ]

I was, once. She might have even been happy with me at one point. [ And then the drinking and partying started and I became someone I wasn't. She could have left me; sometimes I wonder why she didn't. ]

I don't know how happy we would have been. Maybe if I hadn't gotten writer's block; maybe if the Dark Presence hadn't been there trying to lure in artists. I do know that I would have loved you. I do love you. I love you exactly the way you are.

[ And then he kisses her hand again, wanting to further press that detail in. ]

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