synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

I'm starting to think that no one who's seen what's really out there can. How do you go back to just minding your own business walking down the street and not thinking about things like the Dark Presence and the Hiss?

[ Sometimes Alan thinks he feels something or someone standing behind him when he writes; sometimes it feels like there's a hand on his shoulder or a breath against his neck. Other times, he thinks he catches a glimpse of something reflected in a mirror or a picture on the wall. ]

The Bright Presence... Yeah, I met him- man, it feels like it was so long ago. I remember thinking it was weird to see someone in a diving suit when we weren't underwater. Maybe that was just a strange kind of foreshadowing. I wonder what happened to him. I think I heard from him once, but it wasn't for very long. I think I was too deep for him to really reach me.

[ He goes quiet too for a moment, stilling as she moves and lays down on top of him, resting against him. It doesn't bother him; in fact, he likes it. He likes having her this close.

With her on top of him, he has easier access to her hair, which he starts to touch and stroke as she continues talking. ]

So, you knew... Or Polaris told you. [ His expression shifts briefly to a faraway look, but he's still there with her: no more drifting away or drowning. ]

I was somewhere else. Bright Falls, I think. I don't really understand how it all happened, and I thought it was only a dream at first, but dreams don't work the way this one worked.

I'm not sure. People in Bright Falls seem to do their best to go about normal lives. The Buearu... we basically lead double lives. Things are different on the outside of the Oldest House. When things get out and damage that "normal life" is when problems happen. That's what happened to Trench. Work followed him home.

[ Jesse shakes her head. She doesn't know all the details, and really? She doesn't want to know all the details. That's Trench's life and not her own. He shared some over the Hotline. Those are more than enough for her.

Her gaze drifts to the side. ]

I could just tell.

[ « It was like looking at someone and knowing they weren't really there. Even if he was a sleep. It wasn't the same sort of feeling when he spiraled out. More like when your attention drifts really far away in thought. »

She squeezes him gently. ]

What happened in Bright Falls?

That must be nice. I mean, really, to just do what you can to go about your day normally... I'm a little jealous, and I know how that sounds. I don't know how you do that either; to live a double life all the time. Does it ever get hard to do?

[ He huffs out a dry laugh. ] "When things get out and damage that normal life". [ He thinks he knows what she means, but he still can't stop himself from thinking that he got out and damaged people's normal lives. That's why he thought he should be locked up or put down or hell, even kept in the Dark Place forever, as much as he didn't want that for himself. ]

Sorry. I- well, I didn't plan on anything happening. I still don't know if this counts as "something" happening, but it felt real.

[ He shifts when she squeezes him, but not out of discomfort. Her touch has always comforted him, even when he was too strung out to really know that. ]

I was- well, I was me, but a me who denied that anything out of the ordinary ever existed. I was still Alan Wake, but I was also successful. I mean really successful.

[ His mouth twists to one side; he still remembers how he dreamed about being a great writer, compared to the other great writers who had come before him. He wanted to write great novels, thought-provoking ones, ones that told stories that really made people think.

... Look at where that got him. ]

I just refused to believe that the Dark Presence was real. Anything that couldn't be explained couldn't be real. And- and you were there too, but your name was Beth. You still worked with the Bureau.

[ His lips turn down into a frown. ] Beth and Alan- that other Alan, they were having problems, just like Alice and I were. He wasn't even sleeping in the same room as her.

[ For some reason, that still really bothers him. ]

People outside Bright Falls wouldn't say they're exactly "normal." It's more like the weird trying to be normal, I guess. It has the appearance but also comes off as just not quite right. I wouldn't know what it's like to really live a double life. I keep to myself, my management team, you. I don't have much outside of the Oldest House.

[ « Besides Alan. » ]

Scratch wasn't the same as if an Altered Item got out. [ Jesse nudges him gently with her knee. ] He was a paranormal entity trying to drastically shape reality to what he wanted. That's different than the Duck getting out of containment.

[ « Both have consequences. They're just different and on a scale. Scratch getting out was MUCH worse than the Duck. Not that the Duck getting out was good either. »

She glances up at him before looking at the bed underneath them. A famous writer. Well, he's famous, but maybe not in the way he wanted to be. The movies he wasn't there to be apart of and the mystery of how he disappeared is what made him even more famous than he was. Jesse thinks he can still become the kind of author he wants. She wants to help him become that. ]

You were a skeptic once. [ She pauses then. Shoulders curl. ] It bothers you. The fact they weren't sleeping in a room together. Why?

[ Working with the Bureau isn't a surprise to her. Something tells her she'd always end up being on the path of the weird and the unusual. ]

Married with a somewhat normal life. I wonder if that Alan hated the fact it wasn't entirely normal.

Isn't that what we're trying to do? I mean, some of the time; around you, I don't have to be normal, but I'm trying because you don't need someone who can't stop jumping at his own shadow. I think I have the appearance but it definitely doesn't come off as right.

[ He shakes his head. ]

Scratch... Where did Scratch stop and I started? I thought that Scratch was... Weren't we two parts of the same person, or am I just talking crazy? I know that I caused problems. Scratch definitely caused problems. [ I think he killed Jesse once. More than once? Was that really Scratch or was that just me flipping out? Either way, it's bad. ]

... The Duck? [ He looks at her, confused. Maybe he's just confused about everything relating to what he thought was an entity called Scratch. Jesse just said that about Scratch, but Alan can't shake the feeling that Scratch was something else entirely. ]

I was a skeptic, way back when all of this started. But even then, I knew that weird things were going on, even if I didn't know exactly what it all meant. This other Alan seemed to have closed the door on the possibility of unexplainable things happening.

[ Alan nudges Jesse with his shoulder as he tries to put his thoughts into something that makes sense. ]

It felt like he cut her off. He was pulling away, leaving her by herself, and hardly even talking to her anymore, as far as I could tell. It's... What if I did that to Alice? What if I do that to you?

Married, but not even really talking to his own wife. [ Alan's expression seems to darken as he thinks back to everything he experienced in the dream or whatever the hell it was. ] What's the point in having fame and money if you don't have someone around that you care about? It's not going to fill you up; it's just going to make you feel like you have what you want, when you don't really have it.

[ Alan realizes as he says those words that he really means them. His priorities seem to have shifted a lot now, leaving behind who he used to be before all of this began. ]

You need to be healthy for your own good, Alan. "Normal" is subjective in this case. We both have powers, and abilities and experiences... but I don't have people outside the Buearu to pretend to be like everyone else. You might. If we can get ahold of Barry...

[ She simply squeezes him at the questions of Scratch. In her mind, it's the worst parts of Alan made into a monster. He's not really Alan. Those worst parts make a monster and someone she doesn't recongize as her significant other. ]

Yeah. The Duck. It's an Altered Item in the Oldest House. Just a rubber duck from a bathtub. Who... likes getting free and quacking all over the place.

[ She squeezes him again, remaining on top of him. It isn't hard to figure out why it bothers Alan. He's a very physical person--maybe even more so after being in the Dark Place for so long.

« Not sharing the space with somone you love... I imagine Alan can't fathom it all. He always wants to be near me. Not that I have a problem with it. He just can't imagine another version of him being any other way. » ]

What happened? What causes him to pull away like that? [ She pauses. ] The other me probably blamed herself. Thought she was "too weird."

For my own good? [ The look he gives her is a blank one, as if Alan isn't quite sure what that means. His focus has been on improving himself for her, so that he can be a good partner to her. He hadn't thought of it in terms of doing it for himself. ]

I think Barry's long gone. He's moved on, probably to bigger and better things. Barry always had the crazy ideas and the crazier, bigger dreams.

[ I think I just have her. And I could be all right with that, but can she?

She squeezes him and he shifts slightly, but out of pleasure, not discomfort. Her touch makes him feel good. It keeps him grounded when his worries threaten to take him over. Still, he can't quite push aside the questions he still has about Scratch, but maybe he shouldn't ask Jesse about them. ]

Can anyone see the Altered Items that you have, or are those classified? I know it's just a duck, but- [ He shrugs. ]

I think he wasn't ready to accept that this is the way the world is. It's weird, it's full of things you can't explain, and there's a lot of things out there that might try to kill you. I wouldn't blame him for that, except- why did he feel like he had to distance himself from her?

[ Alan shakes his head. He knows he thought about what he could do to protect Jesse: if maybe it was better for her if he didn't keep dragging her into his problems, but he'd never purposefully pull away from her like the Alan in the dream did. ]

Actually, now that you mention it, she did think it was because of her. I- I wanted her to see that it wasn't her fault. I know, it's crazy, to want to help someone I dreamed up while asleep, but...

[ It was Jesse, even if she went by the name Beth. I only wanted to help. ]

Edited 2025-02-14 03:39 (UTC)

Yeah. For you. [ Jesse simply glances up at him before tilting her head down to look at the bedding once more. ] Barry would show up the moment it came out you were back, Alan. You know that.

[ « At least, I hope he does. I could look into what Barry has been up to outside the Alex Casey movies. Probably not good since Alice died. Maybe reuniting Alan and Barry is exactly what he needs. »

She only shifts slightly more while laying on top of him. Eventually, she'll need to call out into the Oldest House. They'll need to figure out what to do for the rest of the day. He's already noted how it's getting closer to the holidays. Should they decorate? Should they try to be like a real couple? How much longer should she try to hold back while he adjusts to living again?

« I wish I had the answers. » ]

Everyone can see them. Only people like us can use Objects of Power.

[ Jesse sighs. ] Maybe... he couldn't handle the fact she was holding back. If you told me you didn't want any part of how weird my life is? I'd hold back. Keep it locked away. Wouldn't that put a distance between us eventually? Wouldn't you push me away because of that?

I think we both know it wasn't really a dream, Alan.

[ A dry laugh escapes him in a quiet huff as he briefly goes back in his mind to the Writer's Room. He's not remembering anything specific, just remembering sitting there in the almost dark, except for the lamp on the desk. Was he doing all of this for him, or was it for Alice or for the people stuck in the AWE? Maybe it started out as him just trying to get home, but it seemed to morph into more than that. ]

Maybe he would, but should he? A lot can change in thirteen years. Maybe what I should be doing is figuring out how to make new connections. New friendships.

[ Why do I feel like everything from before 2010 is gone? It just feels like everyone moved on without me, because why would anyone wait around? Anyone except for Jesse, I mean. ]

Huh. [ He files that away for later; he doesn't intend to go poking around or poking at anything stored in the Oldest House, even if he's allowed to go near any of it. He probably shouldn't go near any of it, right? Maybe the most he'll do is ask if he can look at the duck, for... some reason. ]

Yeah, maybe that was it. I know it sounds crazy, but I really just wanted to talk to him, to figure out what the hell he was even doing. Maybe if I talked to him, and put it together with what Beth was saying, it would make sense. Maybe it wouldn't make sense at all. I don't know.

[ He shifts his gaze to try and meet hers, because she's right. That's exactly how it would go, between them. ]

I know that if you tried to lock things away, I wouldn't like that. I wouldn't want you holding anything back; so yeah, that would put distance between us. I don't know if I'd push you away, but I might push you away by asking you to not keep things from me. I don't want you to keep the weirdness from me.

[ That made more sense in his head, and so he adds: ] That sounds crazy, but you know what I mean, right?

[ At her next words, something in Alan's face tenses. ] You think I was- You think it was a vision?

Maybe. [ She doesn't sound too convinced, but, Alan does know himself better than anyone else. He might just need to move on from the life before he got into the Dark Place.

« Wasn't the whole point of him getting out to get back to the life he had in some form...? » ]

Did you get to talk to him?

[ « I can't imagine talking to myself like that. But, Alan's powers work entirely different than mine. Maybe that's part of what being the "Master of Many Worlds" is all about. Knowing other worlds and other versions of yourself. Great. Peachy. Alan will love that. » ]

Asking me to share things wouldn't push me away. Not if I could tell you genuinely cared and were interested. Which, you are, by the way. I know.

[ Jesse frowns then. The side of her face presses into his chest. ] I think you went there.

[ What he's not saying is that he doesn't really know what he's doing. Maybe he's just saying what he wishes would happen, but at the end of the day, he still feels like his time passed him by years ago. The world moved on without Alan Wake. It didn't need him to make the movies based on his books, and does it really need him now? ] I know that tone; what do you think I should be doing?

[ That might have been the point, or Alan's idea of the point, but now he's not so sure. ]

Weirdly? Yeah, I did.

[ He shakes his head, still finding it all hard to believe. ]

I've always been interested, even when something was telling me that maybe I shouldn't ask questions or look too closely. I think the other Alan was like that too; he just didn't know how to say it.

[ He stiffens slightly as he comes to the realization that she might be right. For some reason, he hadn't thought about it in exactly that way until he heard her say it. ]

You know what, I think that's exactly what happened. One minute, I was talking to Beth, and the next... It was like- like a door opened, and I was there with him and Beth.

[ Jesse keeps her gaze away from his face. Forward to the wall, down to the sheets, off to the side. She knows he is still grappling with how to be a normal person--as normal as a parautalitarian can be like them. Saga can manage it because she can funnel it into her work. Alan, however, has ramifications to his power that they don't even understand yet. She is an amplifier for an alien life form that battles with others for space. Jesse isn't stupid, she's aware of how Polaris acts as her nature and that that entails. It's just that she and Polaris are usually in agreement about things.

« I wonder if that's because you've always been with me... or because you knew we would agree and reached out because of it. Maybe it doesn't matter in the end. »

Polaris shifts. ]

You need to learn what your abilities do... what you can do with them. How to live with yourself with them. You need to care about yourself enough to do that. Not just exist to fulfill my wants or desires.

[ Has he gotten tired of her laying on top of him yet? ]

Sounds familiar. [ « Except I looked in on him and Zane. Or, something pretending to be Zane. » ] What happened?

[ If he didn't know her, he might be worried about how she keeps looking away from him, seemingly looking anywhere but at him. He knows that Jesse is someone who needs time to think, time to talk to Polaris. It isn't her shutting him out, but if it was, well, he'd say she's allowed to. How many times did he shut her out of things, either in the story or in the loops or both? ]

The Oldest House can help with that, right? [ Not the house itself but the people inside it... the people who work there. ] It's one thing to say I'm the master of many worlds and another to really know what the hell that even means. Maybe I'm not the master of anything. [ He doesn't feel like he is, anyway. ]

I think that you should get to have your wants met, though. [ He looks back on his own life and thinks that he had it pretty good before the Dark Presence got in the way and started creeping into everything. As far as he's concerned, it's Jesse's turn now, and if that means that he makes meeting her needs his priority, then that's what he'll do.

As for her laying on top of him, he'd never get tired of it. ]

We talked. I think he was confused, maybe even a little angry, not that I can blame him. All I wanted was for him to see what he was missing. What I thought he was doing wrong. [ Alan rolls his eyes at himself. ] It sounds arrogant when I say it like that, because- well, because I know I've messed up too.

The Bureau in the Oldest House can. At least, I hope so. Every case is individual and you can't always apply the same logic. What worked for me may not work for you. We won't know until we try.

[ Her hold tightens on him. He's home, living with her, and out of the Dark Place. That's all she ever asked for when it came to Alan Wake. She doesn't need anything else. Marriage, a wedding, sure those things are nice. It doesn't mean she needs them.

« Wants are different and thats okay. » ]

Did it really matter to him what he was missing? It sounds like he had his mind made up. [ Jesse has no idea how close her words echo the other version of her. ] Knowing you, he argued about it until the end. What made him change his mind?

Yeah... Yeah, I know, but hey, this time, I'm ready. I think. At least I'm not running away screaming at the idea of having to meet with... People. Just- as long as no one there starts acting crazy like Hartman did, I'll be fine.

[ He hopes that his words sound braver than he feels. Jesse probably won't believe him, but he's just trying to make himself feel confident. ]

You're- you're happy I'm back, right? [ He just needs to hear the confirmation even though he knows she is. ] This is what we wanted: a life together, going through each day together. Figuring things out as we go along. Do you mind that it hasn't been easy?

[ He still intends to give her a marriage and a wedding and everything that comes with it. He realizes now without a doubt that he wants to be her husband. But maybe that's something they shouldn't rush into. ]

No, I don't think it did, at least not at first. I wasn't really sure what I expected, but I think I knew it wasn't going to be easy getting them to talk again. I know how I am: stubborn, hard-headed at times. And, well, I know you. She- Beth wasn't on board with it at all.

[ Alan pauses, doing his best to recall how the interaction went. He remembers it was hard, and no one in that room was having a good time. ]

Well, I think he obviously needed to figure out what was blocking him from being with Beth, and at first, he wasn't even interested in looking. [ Alan shakes his head. "Typical man", or something like that. But he can't even say that and not say that about himself, because he's not perfect either. He never was. He's made mistakes too, and all he wanted was to help Beth's Alan figure out what to do about his. ] I knew what I could say to get a reaction, but I wasn't sure if I should play that card right off.

Edited 2025-03-02 05:33 (UTC)

No. I weeded out those people as best as I could. There were ... a lot of crazy scientists under Trench and Darling. People who didn't really see how what they did hurt people. People.

[ « What's the point if you can't hold onto your humanity? I know. Probably a foreign idea to you. »

She lightly prods him in the side. ] Yes, I am.

Nothing about who and what we are is easy, Alan.

[ Jesse is quiet as Alan regails the story. No, Beth wouldn't have been happy about it at all. Jesse knows she wouldn't have been happy about anything if it fell apart like that for her and Alan. Maybe she'd shout and argue with him. Maybe she would pull away. It would all depend on why Alan pulled away from her to start with. ]

Why did he pull away?

I bet that was hard; they probably didn't want to go, not when they could keep things as they were. They- well, they were probably like Hartman: experimenting, testing things, testing people... It's good that you got them out. [ He doesn't like to imagine what things would be like if they were still in control and Jesse wasn't the Director.

She prods him in the side and he can't quite stop the involuntary twitch reaction as if the prodding motion tickled a little. It makes him smile a little. ]

No, I know that, but just once, I think... I think you should have something that's easy. Everything you've dealt with has been difficult; why can't you have something that isn't, for once?

[ It doesn't matter what he wants and he knows that; things aren't going to suddenly become easy for them just because it's what he wishes for, for her but a little bit for him too. ]

Well, as best as I can tell, he wasn't ready to accept things for what they are. For how they are. He'd never be able to accept that the Dark Presence is real, at least not how he was when I met him. He'd probably even have trouble with Polaris, now that I'm thinking about it. He probably did have trouble with her; maybe that's part of what caused all this.

It's like you said: some people aren't ready to see what's behind the poster.

They... eventually saw things my way. The Bureau forgot the humanity aspect in it all. Sure. Things are weird. Unusual. Still, if we start trying to become these things? We're not human anymore. Which makes us no better than the darker forces that try to enter in our world.

[ « Or, something like that. » ]

Maybe life isn't meant to be easy for people like us.

[ Jesse falls quiet as he explains. So, an Alan that refused it all. Her mind wanders to the Alan she met that was so ready to accept it because another her was at his side. The one he had to leave behind because of the Dark Presence. She hopes those two find their ways back to one another.

Especially as it seems the other versions won't. ]

The other me had Polaris as well?

[ Alan's attention seems to wander slightly as he listens to Jesse explaining, taking in the words and thinking them over even as his eyes shift to one side. He might be thinking over her words but that doesn't mean he's stopped listening to her.

He thinks he doesn't have to worry about Jesse losing her way and forgetting about retaining the humanity of it all; but people can be lured down different paths when they're least expecting it. Maybe Polaris wouldn't let that happen; maybe Jesse's somehow shielded from that. He hopes that's the case, anyway.

Returning to the present and pulling himself out of his thoughts again, he hears her question about Polaris and he nods. ]

She was just like you, knowing what's behind the poster and having Polaris with her. [ He smiles a small smile as he adds: ] And she was just as stubborn too, in a good way. Well, stubborn when it came to plowing ahead and getting things done that needed to be done.

[ Maybe she thought that the situation with her Alan wasn't something that could be fixed with brute force. She was right, wasn't she? ]

And her Alan didn't react to Polaris at all?

[ Jesse pauses. « Maybe... that's what made him put the distance between them to begin with? He sensed you in her. Or, something. I don't know. How Alan's abilities work is still a mystery to most of us. » ]

You're not the kind of person I can just fix with brute force, Alan. We both know that. You don't respond to that. If she was married to Alan Wake? Then, she realized that along the way somehow. She probably figured just giving him his space would fix it... until it didn't.

He did, but he didn't want to admit it. He knew that Polaris was there, and for some reason, that scared him.

[ Alan rubs his chin idly with one hand as he tries to think through everything he saw and what he observed from Beth's Alan. ]

I think he thought that Polaris being there meant that Beth didn't need him, because really, Polaris protects you. Both of you. And, well- him and me, we're just regular guys, you know?

[ Then Alan's expression turns serious. ] I think maybe part of him was scared that one day, Polaris wouldn't be enough, that one day, Beth would go away and not come back.

[ He shrugs. ] I think he was just scared, and- [ He sighs. I can relate. ]

Yeah, I know that, and she probably knew that too, but I think...

[ He shakes his head and lets the words trail off into silence, thinking it wouldn't do any good to say them out loud. ]

You would of been scared of Polaris if you had no experience with the Dark Presence. You wouldn't know what to think of her.

[ Her head raises to rest her chin on his chest. Messy hair frames her face, but the look is intent and gentle. He has been trapped in another dimension for over a decade. That doesn't mean he has a true handling or grasp of how so many paranormal forces work. Not that he really wants a full understanding or grasp like she does. That's fine, as it always has been. She'll share just what he needs to know. ]

You may not be able to protect me like Polaris can, Alan, but you do something more. You're normal as normal can get in this world. [ « He knows what it means to me. I imagine it means the same to Beth. » ] It's... not really something that you can appreciate until you've lived in the world as it really is for awhile. You know now. He probably didn't'.

Yeah, I get that; I get not knowing what the hell's going on, but- at the same time, the Dark Presence is evil and Polaris... She never struck me that way. Still, if you don't know anything about the Dark Presence or Polaris or anything, it would be really weird.

[ A part of him wants to say that it wouldn't be weird enough to make him close himself off, but even he knows that's not exactly true. The bottom line is, he can't blame the other Alan for freaking out a little. Or a lot. ]

I know that too, and I'm glad I can be that for you, but you know I can't help but worry that it's not enough. I know it means a lot to you, and it has to mean a lot to Beth too, but- me and the other Alan, we're always going to worry about you being safe. [ He knows she'll know he's referring to her and Beth. ]

I really hope that the two of them can figure things out together.

If he never encountered the Dark Presence? He really wouldn't know the difference. Would you?

[ « I don't think he would. Maybe he always saw things and thats how Alex Casey the novels happened... and that Night Springs episode we founs in the Oldest House. Not that it's probably the same as meeting an interdimensional alien. No offense. »

Her gaze softens. Then, drops. She worries about him too. Probably just as much as Beth worries about her Alan. ]

If you go away again... like you did last night. You'll come back. Right?

[ He worries if she'll be safe, but she worries if he'll be able to find the normalcy he wants. Will other realities call him away? Will he find his way home?

« Dylan hasn't come home. I hope you can lead him back one day... and lead Alan back if he gets lost. Wherever he goes. » ]

[ Jesse's question causes Alan to go silent in thought for a few moments; no, he most likely would not be able to tell the difference if he was unfamiliar with otherworldly, alien presences. ]

You're right, I wouldn't know the difference. How could either of us, if we'd never encountered anything like that before? Even if Polaris came across as something even a little benign, if I wasn't familiar with it, I wouldn't want anything to do with it.

[ He focuses back on her when he sees the change in her expression. There's just something about her that always catches his eye, and when her expression shifts, there's always a meaning behind it. ]

I promise, I'll come back. I- well, I hope I don't go away again, because I just want to be here.

[ He's had enough of other realities to last him a lifetime... several lifetimes, actually. ]

So... [ He looks to the side briefly before looking back at her. ] What do you want to do now?

[ If he could tell what was on her mind, he would say that he wants to help bring Dylan home, but how would he even go about doing that? ]

oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

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