synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

Alan.

[ Jesse pushes herself to lean up on her arm. She gently presses a kiss to his cheek. Not much more, as she is afraid that she might set him off if she presses more. Alan always finds a way to sweep her off her feet. Romantic gestures that remind her that ultimately she is human despite her abilities. Her connection to Polaris. The little things that truly make her feel as if they are together in a relationship. ]

Don't stop. Ever. Okay? I'll catch up.

[ A nod that follows for his statement. ] What's the next step you want to take?

[ Alan wants to hold her gaze, to keep looking at her and holding her and kissing her, but he can't seem to shake off the doubts that are trying their best to distract him from this moment they're sharing. Maybe part of him will always doubt his ability to make her happy, to give her everything she's been missing.

He loves her, and he wants to give her everything he can; if he could reach the moon, he'd give that to her too, as silly an idea as that is. He just can't make himself stop feeling as though all he does is let her down and disappoint her. ]

It's not about catching up. It's... It should be us doing this together.

[ He can slow himself down for her, so they can navigate this insane journey they're on together.

And then she asks what next step he wants to pursue, and he suddenly finds himself tongue-tied and suddenly uncertain if he should say what's on his mind. ]

We'll figure it out. Just like we have before. Stop doubting just because I'm the one with the hang up. You aren't don't anything wrong. Okay?

[ Jesse tilts his head to look at her. The hard expression she normally wears is gone. Instead, she wears an almost uncharacteristic gentle look. She gently brushes her fingers along his beard to try and communicate her idea more to him. ]

I'll ask again. What next step do you want to take?

[ He wants to do as she says, knowing that she's right; he shouldn't start to doubt himself again because of the things she's said, but he finds he can't help it. He feels something like stress or worry trying to settle on his shoulders again, and he knows how he must look. It wasn't that long ago that he felt relaxed and the most at ease that he's been in a long time, but now he can't seem to stop himself from worrying, and that worry shows itself in frown lines on his face.

When she tilts his head to get him to look at her, he doesn't resist, even with the sudden stress he's trying to put back in its box. The look in her eyes does something to him, something he barely understands, but it feels like that look could be his undoing. She said he can undo her with just a few words, but he knows she can do the same to him with just the right look in her eyes. He's feeling that right now.

She brushes her fingers against his beard, and he instinctively leans into her touch just as he's done several times before. Her touch always comforts him, and it makes him want to seek out more of it. ]

It should be us doing this together. [ He repeats the words he just said, because he's just realized what next steps he wants to pursue. ]

I want... [ He starts to reply again, but he stops and rephrases. ] Would you want... Would you want to make this official?

[ Jesse's smile widens just a bit in hopes of reassuring him. She may be taken off guard by his romantic advances, but they're not unwanted. She's simply not used to the notions. There had been relationships before, but of course, they were nothing like being with Alan. That under current of supernatural powers is always present. The one that feels almost as if it charges her into overdrive. Even then, without that? It's the small kisses and words he uses that disarm her and leave her trying to think of how to respond.

He leans into her hand and she continues brushing along his jaw.

Then, he says his intentions. Her eyes widen slightly. ]

We're not official? [ The tone in her voice is curious and surprised. Nothing that would dismiss the idea or demean it. ] How... then how do we make it official?

[ Maybe the reason he begins to doubt himself so easily can be attributed to a feeling of not being good at this either. Maybe all he does is put on a show of confidence when it comes to being with her, but beneath that, he doesn't really feel all that confident. He's confident that he's in love with her, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but he doesn't exactly have a great record when it comes to relationships.

The last thing he wants is to drive her away by anything that he does or says. Like everything else he seems to do, he knows he's overthinking how to be in a relationship with her, but there's one thing he isn't overthinking. ]

Of course we are, but I thought there was something we could do to show it. [ He knows it's stupid, but it's something they haven't done yet since his return. There hasn't been time, because of the time it took him to recover while still in the Oldest House, and the time it's still taking him to relearn how to just live. ]

We've known each other a long time, or what feels like a long time, because of the loops. Maybe I can't remember everything we ever did in the loops, but I know you. I know I love you, and- it doesn't feel like it would be too soon.

[ He's getting nervous and starting to ramble, but what if she doesn't feel the same way? He won't know until he asks. ]

I thought... Rings. Maybe even getting engaged. Officially. [ It feels awkward to him to say that, because that's not how people go about talking about becoming engaged, but it's the best way he knows how to bring up the subject. Maybe he's just an awkward person under the surface. ]

[ « Something more to show it? »

Her heart skips a few beats. It can't be what she thinks. Her own mind had wandered to rings once or twice. Namely due to seeing the wedding ring from Alice... then when he promptly stopped wearing it. She imagines he has it kept somewhere still. It's not her place to ask or know. His relationship with Alice is and was his own business.

Her heart begins to pound as he continues to speak.

A sharp inhale to dislodge the breath caught in her throat. ]

You'd want to be engaged. To me. Me. The not so ordinary girl from Ordinary. Who throws things with her brain. Deals with other dimensions daily.

[ It feels too good to be true.

« Me? » ]

I know. Living together is one thing. Engaged and married... thats... [ Her eyes flick upwards to try and keep the water in them. ] You really want to marry me? Not just live like this for the rest of our lives.

[ His imagination is already filling in the blanks for him; he sees them picking out rings, wearing them, announcing their engagement. Maybe they don't make it a big announcement, but there's a part of Alan that really wants to go all out with it. He'd make a reservation at a fancy restaurant for himself and Jesse and anyone else she wants to invite, and they'd just have a good time celebrating their engagement.

And once all the celebrations are over, he just wants to go back to her apartment and sit with her on the couch before they eventually move to the bed. Maybe he shouldn't have this all envisioned in his mind, but it's something he wants more than anything, and if she wants it too... well, he'll be a very happy man. ]

I think part of me always wanted to be engaged to you. Well, maybe not at first, but the more loops we went through, and the more you kept trying to find me to save me...

[ He reaches for her hand to squeeze it. ]

The more I realized I was in love with you. [ And he's still very much in love with her now, in case that isn't obvious. ]

Jesse, would you- do you want to marry me? Because I'd love to marry you, but... [ He shakes his head briefly, a look of seriousness replacing the hesitant look of excitement that's just barely showing in his eyes. ] If you don't want to, or if you want to wait... That's fine.

[ Her face falls as he continues to speak. Not in a way that's poor or negative. That particular way that conveys the smallest amount of surprise, even though she feels it far more than she displays. Had they talked about marriage and a true real life together before in the loops? Living together and sharing an apartment is a life together. Somehow, though, it seems to change entirely when the concept of marriage is brought into it all.

She isn't opposed. Just surprised. ]

I thought about rings before. For us.

[ « Not that I'll mention it was literally yesterday. »

Her hand squeezes his. ]

I just... wasn't sure you'd ever really want to. Since you were married to Alice.

[ His marriage to Alice is what started everything. Why he ended up in the Lake. How they ended up meeting. How he even learned about her. Not that she'd give it a mythical status, but, Jesse's mind can't even begin to comprehend being on the same level as Alice Wake. ]

[ Even as he talks, he's watching her to see her reactions. Too often, he feels as though he just disappoints her or even hurts her, so he's developed something of a habit of watching her closely so he might see any changes in expression or anything else to clue him into whether or not he's doing the right thing.

He wonders what this look means, if she's upset or if she's just trying to absorb what he's saying. She doesn't look upset, so maybe it's just surprise. ]

You did? Would you want to go looking at them?

[ She squeezes his hand and he just holds onto it, wanting to feel their hands joined together. ]

I loved Alice, you know that, but... that was another chapter, a chapter that's ended now. This is our chapter. Our story. We get to figure out how the story goes.

... Yeah. [ Her voice quiets into those vulnerable tones. Eyes dart to the side. She glances up at him again. The smallest hint of a smile is at the corner of her mouth. ] When you feel up for going out again.

[ Jesse's shoulders curl ever so slightly. An almost bashful look comes to her gaze then. What's brought all this on? She can easily see Alan wanting to be married and having the grand idea of a life together with her in that manner. He's a romantic--someone who can daydream. It's what makes him a writer.

A writer that is very, very good at his words and disarming her at any turn. ]

Chapters are still defined by the ones that came before them. [ A flick of her eyes downwards before looking back at him. ] I just... I don't want you thinking that it's lacking. That I'm lacking. Being with me is that way. That's all.

[ He nods, but then he adds: ] When do you have to go back to the Oldest House next? [ Of course he knows that they can't always have days like the one they just had. She has her responsibilities to see to, and he's supposed to be trying to write again. They can't just walk around whenever they feel like it.

Still, it's enough that he gets to see her when she comes home and when she has time to spare. Maybe he shouldn't be so quick to try to move things along towards them becoming married. Maybe they should just live the way they are for a little while, and after a year or two, then visit the subject again. ]

Of course. And Alice will always... [ He trails off, suddenly unsure how to put the thoughts in his mind into words. He feels that in a way, Alice has given her blessing to both of them, or maybe it's all in his head. Maybe it's something he imagined, because he wanted to feel like it was okay to move on with Jesse. But it doesn't feel like something he's made up. It feels real. ]

I'd never think you'd be lacking, because- because you couldn't ever be like that. [ He tries to meet her eyes to further underline his point. ] I love you.

Today. Probably. Just to check in if nothing else. [ « I can imagine all the paperwork thats stacked up. Especially from Underhill. »

Jesse keeps from rolling her eyes. She can work with Underhill--she has to--but that doesn't mean she's ever warmed up to the woman. ]

Will always...?

[ A huff of a laugh. ] I'm lacking in ways dhe was better for you. I don't understand what you need as an artist. Or the artist process. I'm not sure you'd count "Return" as the normal process. Or me helping the way I did. How Polaris helped too. [ She gives a small smile. ] I love you too.

All right. [ He nods, because he really has no problems with her needing to do what she has to do. What she does is important, much more important than any writing he could do. ]

Hopefully with the AWE over, that means you don't have anything too pressing to worry about now. Unless you do, and it's classified information. [ He offers her a grin, but he knows there's probably never a dull moment for Jesse. Even with the AWE over, he can imagine there's other things she has to monitor and contain. ]

You have full permission to laugh, but I think Alice is... [ He rubs the side of his face with his free hand. ] She's looking out for us somehow. I know it doesn't really work that way, but- It's just a feeling that I have.

[ She continues speaking, laying out how she feels lacking compared to Alice, and he instantly wraps his hands tighter around hers. ]

It's not about comparing you to her. I'd never do that, and I don't expect you to be her, Jesse. And you're helping me by just being here. I don't think I'd be here without you.

[ He might be the master of many worlds now, whatever that means, but he knows he'd never dig deeper into learning more about that if it meant interfering with his relationship with Jesse. As far as he's concerned, that title might as well be a jumble of words put together; it might have significance and it might not, but it's not more significant than being with Jesse.

He can't imagine putting anything above that, or above her. ]

All I know is, I don't want to waste any more of our time together.

[ Tomorrow she will need to be in the office all day. Just to catch up on everything. Some would say it's irresponsible of the Director, while others would say that the Director needs a life beyond the Oldest House in order to keep a grasp on the world. Both previous Directors succumbed to forces due to a lack of self-control. Either due to being power hungry or making the job the only thing that mattered.

« I can't become like either of them. » ]

There's always an AWE happening. It's if it's in the Oldest House... or if it's somewhere else in the world. The job never really stops. [ She shrugs. ] But, everyone needs a point to pull away from it. Otherwise you probably end up like the last two Directors.

[ Her eyes drift to the side. ] I'm sure she's looking out for you. Me? She wouldn't have a reason for that. You're the one she was trying to save... and reached out to us for it. [ A quick glance up at him with a vulnerable look in her eyes. ] So, what do you plan to do that isn't "wasting time"?

[ Alan knows that there will be days when Jesse will be gone most of the day, and he understands the importance of what Jesse does. She and the others who work at the Oldest House have a hard job, and so he's resolved to just content himself with the times she can be home, because it's more than enough in his mind. ]

Always? [ He may have survived the AWE he was involved with, but that doesn't mean he knows very much about them or how they work. ] So you might have to travel around to deal with AWEs as they come up. [ He knows her, and he knows by now that she likes to be hands-on, so he imagines she wouldn't just send agents to deal with one when she could go herself. ]

Well, if that's the case, I'll just make sure the lights are always on for you when you can come home.

[ He notes the way her gaze shifts, and he's quick to react. ] She's looking out for you too because you helped save me. I'm only here because of the two of you. [ He meets her gaze with a softer look in his eyes. ]

Our firsts. [ It's the first thing he can think of to say, and, well, as far as he's concerned, it's something he wants to do. ] Everyone has that kind of bucket list idea, right? Things they've always wanted to do and check off the list as they do them.

[ They didn't really have the time or opportunity to figure out what their bucket list would look like, or even really have the chance to start dating properly because of everything they were up against.

He wants to have a proper relationship with her, to do couple things with her.... even if all they do is hold hands as they walk around, that's enough for him. ]

I traveled to Bright Falls for the AWE involving you. So, maybe. If the need calls for it. [ Jesse smirks then. ] You could come with me. Document everything going on. It's not ...really fiction writing or American novel stuff. But, we always need it, and maybe it'll inspire you.

[ « Or it'll make his powers act up and he'll freak out about it. The idea would need to be bounced off the Management Team. He'll probably say no. »

Still, a gentle vulnerability remains on her face at his comments. Once again, Alan Wake disarming her entirely with one sentence. ]

Yeah. I'd rather you come with us than have to wait for me to come back.

[ « No more waiting for the other like that. For either of us. »

Her lips curl at the corners with the talk of Alice Wake. Her gaze drops and drifts. She still debates if she should tell him how Alice contacted her. What Alice said. Why she had to be the way she was in the final loop to end "Return." Alan doesn't need his memory tarnished of Alice. The whole affair is bittersweet as it is to him. ]

I'm still not sure she'd be concerned with me. Just to the point that I'm with you now.

[ Jesse's eyes dart back to him. "Firsts." The concept clearly hadn't dawned on her before now. In her mind, they had most likely had so many firsts, that now there is simply being together. Living together. Being whatever kind of couple they can manage. She doesn't have a bucket list for a relationship or marriage or even her own life. Everything had been about finding Dylan. ]

...what sort of bucket list do you have?

Yeah, that's right, you did, so if I can really come with you when you need to leave... [ A look of resolve settles in. ] I'm going with you. I'll take notes, document whatever you need: anything that's useful to you and the Bureau.

[ It's occurred to him that he might end up dealing with his abilities coming to life again, and he has no idea how that's going to make him react, but it's something he'll have to face one way or another. Being with Jesse is more important than being scared of what he can't know. ]

Well, I just want you to know that I would wait here for you if I had to.

[ He notes the way her lips curl as he keeps talking about Alice, and he wonders if maybe he should put talk about her on the back burner. The last thing he wants is to cause her upset by bringing her up. ]

I'm sure she would, because you helped get me here, Jesse. [ He bites his tongue then, because he would say that she's picking up the torch now, becoming his new inspiration, the person he wants to be with most. He's not sure how well she would take that. ]

Well, I thought that we could figure that out together... maybe starting with choosing rings.

We'll talk to my Management Team when it's time for your next check in. Get you the clearance you need. [ She pauses. ] They may want you to start in the Bureau. Get a feel of how you might be before you'd be sent out into the field. Usually you need enough hours before you're allowed onto the field... but, we'll start small. See how Night Springs goes for you.

[ A smile is given, but, she would rather neither of them have to wait for one another. Not that it's entirely realistic. She knows that. There will always be an element of waiting for anything when it comes to their relationship. Either because of the paths their lives have put them on...

« Or, maybe, it's just apart of being a parautalitarian. »

Her expression deflates. She highly doubts Alice would care for her beyond Alan. Why would she? She was there to save Alan, her husband. Her lover. The man that helped her art come alive. ]

Rings... rings sound good. Nice. Once you feel more comfortable leaving the apartment.

Oh, right, my next check-in. [ Alan's tone is level, as calm as he can make it, but he remembers something Jesse said before about that. ] That's when I'll get checked out, right? Examined so that you have a better idea of how my abilities work.

[ He wonders what that involves. Does the Bureau have some machine or other device that can set off a parautilitarian's abilities? If it's in a controlled environment, it would be safe, wouldn't it? ]

I guess that makes sense. Why would anyone put me in the field when you don't really know how I'd react? I- Well, I guess I didn't react that well in Bright Falls. Estevez didn't seem that impressed with me when we first met, but I thought she warmed up a little.

[ He notes the way her expression deflates as he keeps talking about Alice, and that's when he decides it's best to drop the subject. ]

I want to try again. I have to get used to it, and I'm not going to do that if I just never go out. [ Those notes of resolve that Jesse seems to like sound in Alan's voice, and this time, they stay there. ] The next time that you're free, we should go somewhere. Maybe while you're at work, I'll look into my financials.

[ It's not something Alan really wants to do, but he does need to make sure everything's in order. Most of it should already be that way, but he figures there's no harm in double-checking. The last thing he wants is to be at the store purchasing rings only to find out there's a problem with his accounts. ]

We can go shopping, get something to eat, window shop... [ He glances to one side but he can't quite see the calendar from where they are. ] What day is it again?

[ He's still getting used to keeping track of the days again. That wasn't something he even thought about in the Dark Place. Even the scratches on the wall trick wouldn't have done him much good without a way of knowing when one day ended and the next began. ]

It'll be more like a doctor check up than a science experiment... if it helps at all. [ Her expression deflates a bit more. Alan seemingly hated all form of medical check ups, but she's not sure if that was because of Hartman or not. ] I'll be there too. I just--we have to do it. You were in another dimension for fourteen years, Alan. We don't know what that's going to do long term or how your powers either developed or changed because of it all. There might be a few mad scientists in the Buearu, but I'll make sure they aren't your doctors. Okay?

[ « Most of the Buearu will wonder about a connection point to the Dark Place. Or, if something of the Dark Presence is still inside him. I'm more worried about the LIVING aspect. How he's still struggling to eat, or sleep through the night. The day to day part. I already know he's still not possessed. You make sure of that. »

Polaris shifts around her in agreement. ]

You were in the middle of an AWE that was created by a hostile force to yourself, Alan. Once the Dark Prsence left? Estevez said you were pretty level headed and focused. Which, you were.

[ Not that she plans on ever really talking about having to say goodbye to him at the Cauldron Lake Campgrounds. They both lived through it. He already knows she hated it and had to let him go. If he picked up on her subtle words of using "let go" instead of "left behind" is something else. ]

It's Thursday.

[ « Christmas is in a few weeks. I won't mention that. »

Thanksgiving had been trying to keep him stable and grounded. She never brought up the fact it was the holiday. Though, the stores should be decorating now. Alan just may not have noticed with how focused he had been on just getting through the day. Snow is in the forecast. ]

Edited 2024-12-26 18:40 (UTC)

Yeah... Okay. It helps, really. I trust you, because why wouldn't I? You've never given me a reason not to. [ He notices belatedly that the pace of his words has picked up somewhat, bordering on almost frenetic, but something about being examined has that effect on him. ] I know it's necessary. I know it'll help you and everyone else learn more about... about AWEs. Dimensions. The Dark Place. It's good, because it'll help you. And- and maybe it'll help me too, somehow.

[ I'm not beyond help. I have to keep telling myself that. Yes, they can help. They'll help, and I'll get better. I have to get better.

... They won't lock me away, right? She said they wouldn't. I don't remember when she said that, but I know she did.

He shakes his head once to try and dislodge the thoughts trying to creep up and unnerve him once more. He's trying to do his best to manage himself and get through the day, but sometimes it feels like all he's doing is putting on a brave face for Jesse and whoever else might be looking. But maybe soon, the act of putting on a brave face will turn into reality. Too bad he can't write that down and make it become real. ]

I never understood why you or Estevez or Steve or anyone else never... Why you didn't do what everyone else did. Is it because you've dealt with AWEs before?

[ He pauses, trying to make sense of his own thoughts so that he can better put them into words. ]

You didn't blame me for the story, or for how horrific it became. [ In between his moments of wrestling with the effects of his time in the Dark Place, Alan has had time to think a little about this. ] You didn't see manuscript pages with my name on them and blame me for writing them. I know you knew it wasn't my writing, but how did the others know? Did Estevez suspect me at first?

Thursday. [ He nods, filing that information away and trying to commit it to memory so that he can actually start to track the passage of time again.

If he looked out the window, he'd note how it's becoming cloudy outside, but actually getting a good look would mean moving away from Jesse, and he's not interested in doing that. ]

... What month is it? [ He dimly remembers seeing decorations in the coffee shop they went to, and in the store they visited, and... were there decorations on the street lights?

He didn't look closely at any of them, so he can't picture them in his mind, but he remembers seeing something. ]

Edited 2024-12-27 07:01 (UTC)

Because, I'm someone who has a hell of a backstory and an alien in her head? [ « Okay, not exactly an alien her head. More like a connection in her head. » ] Yeah. It'll do all that. Not to mention help you. It's all important, but, you are too.

[ A frown faintly tugs at the corners of her mouth. She knows when he shakes his head there is something negative going through his mind. Other than just knowing Alan, Jesse wears a similar look on her face when something crosses past her or Polaris. Obviously, she can't stop the thoughts that roam in Alan's mind. She just wishes there was a way to dispel them for good.

« Having doubts and thoughts like that is human. I wonder if he sees it that way. It proves the Dark Place didn't change him entirely. » ]

That, and, the nature of the AWE. I remembered a decent amount, [ « Thanks to you, I'm sure. » ] so that changed how I handled it. Steve may have remembered. He's never said... and probably won't. I'm sure Kiran did what she needed to in order to make sure everything ended.

[ Jesse sighs then, looking at the ceiling. ]

I guess I'll need to make a trip to Bright Falls after all.

[ « So much for never going back. » ]

The start of December. I'll have to take the trip after the New Year.

I mean, yeah, there's that, but it's also because I love you. A lot. [ He rolls his eyes at himself, but then he smiles. It's a warm smile, and it reaches his eyes. It's the smile he saves for her. ] I know, you're going to laugh at me.

[ He looks like he wants to say he doesn't think he's really important to anyone who isn't her, but he stops himself from saying it out loud. All it would do is upset her, and he knows he's done that enough.

As for his thoughts, he's still trying to figure out how to navigate those and deal with them when they start taking darker turns, which they do a lot. He hasn't quite reached the point of realizing that everyone has doubts and thoughts that aren't exactly helpful, that thoughts like those make him human.

Maybe it's just one more thing that will take time to really settle in. ]

I wish- I know it doesn't matter now, but looking back on all of it, I wish that I remembered more. I know I couldn't remember more, because the story didn't work like that, but- not remembering hurt you.

You, Steve and Estevez handled everything like pros. [ I'm the one who couldn't handle myself.

He doesn't respond to her next words right away, simply moving a little closer, closing what little space remains between them and nudging the side of her leg with his.

Going back to Bright Falls is something he thought about doing once. Maybe he and Jesse could properly experience Deerfest. Maybe they could actually visit Coffee World. He knows the one place he doesn't want to see again, and that's Cauldron Lake.

Even if the threshold is closed, he really doesn't want to risk anything by going there. And aside from the nonsense of thresholds, he just has no interest in ever seeing it again. It could be the nicest lake in the world and he'd still find it difficult to look at. ]

It's December, and that means... [ His eyebrows crease in thought. ] It'll be Christmas soon. [ I guess I missed Thanksgiving. Huh. ]

I'd ask if I could go with you, but I think we both know the answer to that.

[ A smile is in her eyes at his statement. A little corny, and lame, but she's come to know that just to be Alan. Despite the self-deprecation and the negative outlook? She knows he is someone who just feels deeply and has the words to express it. Unlike her. ]

Maybe I won't laugh this time.

[ Jesse inhales deeply before exhaling with her eyes moving to the ceiling. ]

The story was a monster. Right? It was designed to hurt people--to take over them. It only managed to hurt me. I'll take that. Besides, we won in the end. You're home.

[ A squeeze of his hand. ] We are pros. If we didn't handle it that way? We'd have problems. [ Then, a nod. ] Yeah. Christmas.

[ « Not that I was going to bring it up or even mention it. » ]

You wouldn't really want to head back to Cauldron Lake. And... it's dangerous. Who knows what the Dark Presence would do if it sensed you.

[ Not that her going is really any safer. She imagines Polaris could set the Dark Presence off. She, though, could fight it off. Could Alan do another round against it? ]

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