synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

[ He shifts slightly so that he's positioned a little closer to her, and as she keeps brushing her fingers against her hip, a quiet sigh escapes him. She just seems to know how to soothe him without him saying what he needs or what will help. Is it that he's too obvious? Is he too needy when it comes to needing help to calm down?

Maybe he is; maybe he's just too needy about it, but he can't pretend that her touch doesn't comfort him. If he could will away the need to be comforted so much, he would have already done it.

Her touch helps, but the topic they're on doesn't help settle him down, not fully. He hates talking about Scratch, about anything relating to the darkness, to the things out there that can hurt people. But they really haven't spoken about this before, and it's something he thinks they need to talk about sometime. Maybe now is one of those times. The first step towards both of them coming to terms with what they've both gone through.

... What Jesse's gone through because of him. ]

I know. I can picture it, even though picturing it is the last thing I want to do. If- if you survived being taken away from Polaris, you'd be... Maybe you'd be like a Taken. Maybe you'd be something worse than a Taken. But then why the hell would he want that?

[ His expression darkens again and one hand clenches into a fist. ]

I thought at one point that Scratch was smart, but now I don't think so. If that was his plan, that was a really bad one. It wouldn't have worked.

But... But I'm glad whatever he was planning never happened. If Scratch hurt you... if you were gone for good because of something he did, I- I don't think I'd...

[ Words trail off into silence. He finishes the sentence in his mind.

I'd never get over it. ]

So... it really was my fault then. He wanted you because he knew that I love you. I'm sorry you had to go through that; I'm sorry you had to do that, Jesse.

[ The tension is obvious even as her hand stills against her hip. Her fault, of course, as she is the one that gave the information up. The one that told him what happened. He had been relaxed and happy. Now...

Jesse frowns slightly. She really isn't good at this. ]

I'm not sure it'd be like a Taken.

[ « Let's not go into detail. »

Dylan had never been fully taken over by the Hiss. He was in control to some degree. She imagines that it would of been similar to her with the Dark Presence. Not a Taken, but changed. Not really herself anymore. Something warped by what Scratch would have wanted as he saw an ideal version of her. ]

Technically, it didn't happen. It was a version of altered reality that never came to be because of how the real draft of "Return" happened. More like a dream than anything. So, don't apologize.

Let's talk about something else. You're.... having a good morning.

[ She knows they'll need to talk about it all sometime. Maybe that isn't the time. She doesn't want to set back the progress he has this morning. Even if he ends up back asleep because of eating finally? That's fine with her.

« It's better than last night. It felt like when I woke up he was going to be gone... that he left. » ]

Edited 2024-11-11 21:02 (UTC)

[ She volunteered the information, but he kept talking about it. He kept asking questions, searching for answers, all the while knowing that the answers he's hearing were only making him feel more unsettled.

He wants to say more, wants to ask more questions, but it's not the time for that. Maybe it will never be the time for that. In his mind's eye, he can imagine what it would look like if Scratch had his way and turned Jesse into someone like him. She would not be herself anymore; oh, she might look like herself and even sound like herself, but the Jesse that Alan knows and loves would be gone.

That must be how she felt whenever she saw the Dark Presence trying to wash me out. I won't let the same thing happen to her, even if Scratch isn't a threat to us anymore. ]

Maybe it never came to be, but you still experienced it. You lived through it, even if it was changed by the story.

[ But then Alan stops there; he says no more about the story or the Dark Presence or Scratch. They both have been having a good morning, and talking about this will only cause more anxiety for the two of them.

He shifts slightly to nudge his leg against her. Is it a teasing gesture? Maybe. Is it hinting at the possibility of something more? Perhaps. ]

Why don't we talk about how pretty you are?

[ Maybe she'll think he's trying to make a bad come-on, but he hopes she sees his suggestion as a genuine one, one that he means wholeheartedly. ]

Edited 2024-11-12 07:37 (UTC)

[ Scratch would have taken the things she loves about Alan and done away with them. So, in a way, they both would have been "dead." The Dark Presence would have washed them out--everything out.

There is a factor in all of this they haven't truly talked about. ]

Scratch wouldn't have gotten the chance to take me like that. [ Her eyes remain fixed on the ceiling. ] Not that the alternative is better.

[ « We both know the Board wouldn't let the Director be compromised. »

Trench could have killed himself. Not that she believes that. After seeing what she had in the Hiss dream? She's certain the Board had taken over somehow and pulled the trigger on the Service Weapon.

Her eyes finally shift over to him. They narrow slightly, playfully. ]

Pretty? Me? [ A shrug. ] I guess. I mean, I'm just ordinary looking.

[ « It's sweet. Even if it's a little lame. » ]

[ Alan hates Scratch because of what he did and because of how he seemed hell-bent on taking everything from him and hurting everyone that he could, as a way of getting to him. But when he thinks about it, the fact that Scratch exists at all seems like his fault. The Dark Presence warped the worst parts of Alan and that became Scratch, or something like that; Alan doesn't claim to know everything about how Scratch originated in the first place, but it still feels like it's his fault.

But thinking about it only causes tension, and they're supposed to be relaxing in each other's company. Any musings that he has about Scratch and the horrors he made happen should stay in his own head. It won't make them go away, but at least he won't be upsetting Jesse by talking more about them. ]

Yeah, you. [ He smiles and he shakes his head lightly. ] You're not ordinary looking.

[ He shifts so that he can brush a kiss against her cheek. ] If anything, you're extraordinary.

[ Her eyebrows raise ever so slightly. Doubt is obvious in her gaze. She doesn't think she's ugly. She simply doesn't think she's on the pedestal Alan places her on. She's proud of her appearance, her body, where she is in her life. That doesn't make her extraordinary to look at.

Does it? ]

Maybe not as extraordinary as you think. [ « Emily would probably argue with test results... but let's not bring that up. » ] I'm just me. Just our not-normal.

Are you okay? Nothing is upsetting your stomach or anything else. Right?

[ She knows he isn't used to eating like that anymore. There has to be a level of caution in place. The last they need is him pushing himself too hard and going into shock.

A slight blush takes her face at his kiss. ]

It's been awhile since you did that.

[ « Sure we've kissed... even the night before last. This feels different. » ]

[ Alan sees the way her eyebrows raise, and he picks up on the doubt in her gaze. Something seems to shift inside him, a shifting feeling and one he doesn't like. He's resolute in how much he loves her and in the fact that she's extraordinary in all senses of the word. But the way she's looking at him makes him wonder if he's being a fool for feeling the way he does.

He wants to recoil, to withdraw from her and give her a little space, but the part of him that loves her and wants to always be with her won't allow him to. Still, his expression seems to shift, falling slightly into a frown, and although he doesn't pull away, suddenly he feels uncomfortable in his own skin. ]

Well, you might be "just you", but I love you and I don't see that ending anytime soon. [ Uncomfortable feeling or not, Alan knows that he loves her and nothing's going to change that. ] I like our not-normal.

[ But he still hesitates, no longer trying to keep making little gestures that he thinks are romantic. Maybe she doesn't want them. Maybe they make her uncomfortable. ]

Do you want me to do that more?

[ He asks that question first before he answers the one about how he's doing. Truthfully, he doesn't know how he's doing. Well, he knows that he feels strange after doing the things that they did together: shopping, trying on clothes, eating... It's all foreign sensations to him and he's still working on filing it all away properly. ]

I don't know if I'm okay. [ At least that's an accurate statement. ] I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. [ He puts specific emphasis on that word, hoping she knows what he means. He doesn't know how to do the day to day anymore, and he feels like he's bad at it. ]

Do you want me doing something different?

[ Jesse gently nudges him. It's not that she dislikes the gestures. She's just... not used to it. These things are almost forgein to her outside of what they've experienced. He's naturally emotional and romantic. She's guarded and reserved. He doesn't need to stop.

Just... ease her into the idea. ]

Good. Our not-normal is all I could give. [ Her hand squeezes his to answer his next question. Yes. ] I'm just ... not used to it all.

[ Jesse nods. She would rather he be honest then try to give her an answer just to make her feel better. ]

Making breakfast and eating is something to start with for living again. Eating, sleeping. Showering. The rest we'll figure it out.

No. This is fine.

[ Her nudge lightly startles him and pulls him out of his own head and out of the thoughts that are beginning to turn into doubts. Doubts about himself and how he is as a person... specifically a person trying to be in a relationship with someone else. He knows they have their differences, but he thought those differences somehow complimented each other. It was their similarities that brought them together, and their differences keep things interesting. ]

I know. I know you're not used to it, and maybe I've just been coming on too strong. I can- I'll back off, if you want me to. [ The realization occurs to him that maybe he's coming on so strongly because he wasn't able to be with another person in the Dark Place. There wasn't anyone to be with, and even if there was, even if he met Jesse in the loops or in the motel or wherever... Their time together there was always limited.

Now they're not limited; nothing's in the way or getting in between them. Well, nothing except for Alan's occasionally screwed up mind, but nothing can stop them from being as intimate with each other as they want. ]

How about I just slow down and let you figure out how you feel?

[ Finally, his gaze shifts and he tries to meet her eyes. ] Today was step in that direction, and- and there's going to be more steps.

[ A note of determination flares to life as Alan realizes that Jesse's right. He made a start today, and now he gets to keep making starts every day until he's settled back in again. Maybe he's not so hopeless after all. ]

Alan.

[ Jesse pushes herself to lean up on her arm. She gently presses a kiss to his cheek. Not much more, as she is afraid that she might set him off if she presses more. Alan always finds a way to sweep her off her feet. Romantic gestures that remind her that ultimately she is human despite her abilities. Her connection to Polaris. The little things that truly make her feel as if they are together in a relationship. ]

Don't stop. Ever. Okay? I'll catch up.

[ A nod that follows for his statement. ] What's the next step you want to take?

[ Alan wants to hold her gaze, to keep looking at her and holding her and kissing her, but he can't seem to shake off the doubts that are trying their best to distract him from this moment they're sharing. Maybe part of him will always doubt his ability to make her happy, to give her everything she's been missing.

He loves her, and he wants to give her everything he can; if he could reach the moon, he'd give that to her too, as silly an idea as that is. He just can't make himself stop feeling as though all he does is let her down and disappoint her. ]

It's not about catching up. It's... It should be us doing this together.

[ He can slow himself down for her, so they can navigate this insane journey they're on together.

And then she asks what next step he wants to pursue, and he suddenly finds himself tongue-tied and suddenly uncertain if he should say what's on his mind. ]

We'll figure it out. Just like we have before. Stop doubting just because I'm the one with the hang up. You aren't don't anything wrong. Okay?

[ Jesse tilts his head to look at her. The hard expression she normally wears is gone. Instead, she wears an almost uncharacteristic gentle look. She gently brushes her fingers along his beard to try and communicate her idea more to him. ]

I'll ask again. What next step do you want to take?

[ He wants to do as she says, knowing that she's right; he shouldn't start to doubt himself again because of the things she's said, but he finds he can't help it. He feels something like stress or worry trying to settle on his shoulders again, and he knows how he must look. It wasn't that long ago that he felt relaxed and the most at ease that he's been in a long time, but now he can't seem to stop himself from worrying, and that worry shows itself in frown lines on his face.

When she tilts his head to get him to look at her, he doesn't resist, even with the sudden stress he's trying to put back in its box. The look in her eyes does something to him, something he barely understands, but it feels like that look could be his undoing. She said he can undo her with just a few words, but he knows she can do the same to him with just the right look in her eyes. He's feeling that right now.

She brushes her fingers against his beard, and he instinctively leans into her touch just as he's done several times before. Her touch always comforts him, and it makes him want to seek out more of it. ]

It should be us doing this together. [ He repeats the words he just said, because he's just realized what next steps he wants to pursue. ]

I want... [ He starts to reply again, but he stops and rephrases. ] Would you want... Would you want to make this official?

[ Jesse's smile widens just a bit in hopes of reassuring him. She may be taken off guard by his romantic advances, but they're not unwanted. She's simply not used to the notions. There had been relationships before, but of course, they were nothing like being with Alan. That under current of supernatural powers is always present. The one that feels almost as if it charges her into overdrive. Even then, without that? It's the small kisses and words he uses that disarm her and leave her trying to think of how to respond.

He leans into her hand and she continues brushing along his jaw.

Then, he says his intentions. Her eyes widen slightly. ]

We're not official? [ The tone in her voice is curious and surprised. Nothing that would dismiss the idea or demean it. ] How... then how do we make it official?

[ Maybe the reason he begins to doubt himself so easily can be attributed to a feeling of not being good at this either. Maybe all he does is put on a show of confidence when it comes to being with her, but beneath that, he doesn't really feel all that confident. He's confident that he's in love with her, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but he doesn't exactly have a great record when it comes to relationships.

The last thing he wants is to drive her away by anything that he does or says. Like everything else he seems to do, he knows he's overthinking how to be in a relationship with her, but there's one thing he isn't overthinking. ]

Of course we are, but I thought there was something we could do to show it. [ He knows it's stupid, but it's something they haven't done yet since his return. There hasn't been time, because of the time it took him to recover while still in the Oldest House, and the time it's still taking him to relearn how to just live. ]

We've known each other a long time, or what feels like a long time, because of the loops. Maybe I can't remember everything we ever did in the loops, but I know you. I know I love you, and- it doesn't feel like it would be too soon.

[ He's getting nervous and starting to ramble, but what if she doesn't feel the same way? He won't know until he asks. ]

I thought... Rings. Maybe even getting engaged. Officially. [ It feels awkward to him to say that, because that's not how people go about talking about becoming engaged, but it's the best way he knows how to bring up the subject. Maybe he's just an awkward person under the surface. ]

[ « Something more to show it? »

Her heart skips a few beats. It can't be what she thinks. Her own mind had wandered to rings once or twice. Namely due to seeing the wedding ring from Alice... then when he promptly stopped wearing it. She imagines he has it kept somewhere still. It's not her place to ask or know. His relationship with Alice is and was his own business.

Her heart begins to pound as he continues to speak.

A sharp inhale to dislodge the breath caught in her throat. ]

You'd want to be engaged. To me. Me. The not so ordinary girl from Ordinary. Who throws things with her brain. Deals with other dimensions daily.

[ It feels too good to be true.

« Me? » ]

I know. Living together is one thing. Engaged and married... thats... [ Her eyes flick upwards to try and keep the water in them. ] You really want to marry me? Not just live like this for the rest of our lives.

[ His imagination is already filling in the blanks for him; he sees them picking out rings, wearing them, announcing their engagement. Maybe they don't make it a big announcement, but there's a part of Alan that really wants to go all out with it. He'd make a reservation at a fancy restaurant for himself and Jesse and anyone else she wants to invite, and they'd just have a good time celebrating their engagement.

And once all the celebrations are over, he just wants to go back to her apartment and sit with her on the couch before they eventually move to the bed. Maybe he shouldn't have this all envisioned in his mind, but it's something he wants more than anything, and if she wants it too... well, he'll be a very happy man. ]

I think part of me always wanted to be engaged to you. Well, maybe not at first, but the more loops we went through, and the more you kept trying to find me to save me...

[ He reaches for her hand to squeeze it. ]

The more I realized I was in love with you. [ And he's still very much in love with her now, in case that isn't obvious. ]

Jesse, would you- do you want to marry me? Because I'd love to marry you, but... [ He shakes his head briefly, a look of seriousness replacing the hesitant look of excitement that's just barely showing in his eyes. ] If you don't want to, or if you want to wait... That's fine.

[ Her face falls as he continues to speak. Not in a way that's poor or negative. That particular way that conveys the smallest amount of surprise, even though she feels it far more than she displays. Had they talked about marriage and a true real life together before in the loops? Living together and sharing an apartment is a life together. Somehow, though, it seems to change entirely when the concept of marriage is brought into it all.

She isn't opposed. Just surprised. ]

I thought about rings before. For us.

[ « Not that I'll mention it was literally yesterday. »

Her hand squeezes his. ]

I just... wasn't sure you'd ever really want to. Since you were married to Alice.

[ His marriage to Alice is what started everything. Why he ended up in the Lake. How they ended up meeting. How he even learned about her. Not that she'd give it a mythical status, but, Jesse's mind can't even begin to comprehend being on the same level as Alice Wake. ]

[ Even as he talks, he's watching her to see her reactions. Too often, he feels as though he just disappoints her or even hurts her, so he's developed something of a habit of watching her closely so he might see any changes in expression or anything else to clue him into whether or not he's doing the right thing.

He wonders what this look means, if she's upset or if she's just trying to absorb what he's saying. She doesn't look upset, so maybe it's just surprise. ]

You did? Would you want to go looking at them?

[ She squeezes his hand and he just holds onto it, wanting to feel their hands joined together. ]

I loved Alice, you know that, but... that was another chapter, a chapter that's ended now. This is our chapter. Our story. We get to figure out how the story goes.

... Yeah. [ Her voice quiets into those vulnerable tones. Eyes dart to the side. She glances up at him again. The smallest hint of a smile is at the corner of her mouth. ] When you feel up for going out again.

[ Jesse's shoulders curl ever so slightly. An almost bashful look comes to her gaze then. What's brought all this on? She can easily see Alan wanting to be married and having the grand idea of a life together with her in that manner. He's a romantic--someone who can daydream. It's what makes him a writer.

A writer that is very, very good at his words and disarming her at any turn. ]

Chapters are still defined by the ones that came before them. [ A flick of her eyes downwards before looking back at him. ] I just... I don't want you thinking that it's lacking. That I'm lacking. Being with me is that way. That's all.

[ He nods, but then he adds: ] When do you have to go back to the Oldest House next? [ Of course he knows that they can't always have days like the one they just had. She has her responsibilities to see to, and he's supposed to be trying to write again. They can't just walk around whenever they feel like it.

Still, it's enough that he gets to see her when she comes home and when she has time to spare. Maybe he shouldn't be so quick to try to move things along towards them becoming married. Maybe they should just live the way they are for a little while, and after a year or two, then visit the subject again. ]

Of course. And Alice will always... [ He trails off, suddenly unsure how to put the thoughts in his mind into words. He feels that in a way, Alice has given her blessing to both of them, or maybe it's all in his head. Maybe it's something he imagined, because he wanted to feel like it was okay to move on with Jesse. But it doesn't feel like something he's made up. It feels real. ]

I'd never think you'd be lacking, because- because you couldn't ever be like that. [ He tries to meet her eyes to further underline his point. ] I love you.

Today. Probably. Just to check in if nothing else. [ « I can imagine all the paperwork thats stacked up. Especially from Underhill. »

Jesse keeps from rolling her eyes. She can work with Underhill--she has to--but that doesn't mean she's ever warmed up to the woman. ]

Will always...?

[ A huff of a laugh. ] I'm lacking in ways dhe was better for you. I don't understand what you need as an artist. Or the artist process. I'm not sure you'd count "Return" as the normal process. Or me helping the way I did. How Polaris helped too. [ She gives a small smile. ] I love you too.

All right. [ He nods, because he really has no problems with her needing to do what she has to do. What she does is important, much more important than any writing he could do. ]

Hopefully with the AWE over, that means you don't have anything too pressing to worry about now. Unless you do, and it's classified information. [ He offers her a grin, but he knows there's probably never a dull moment for Jesse. Even with the AWE over, he can imagine there's other things she has to monitor and contain. ]

You have full permission to laugh, but I think Alice is... [ He rubs the side of his face with his free hand. ] She's looking out for us somehow. I know it doesn't really work that way, but- It's just a feeling that I have.

[ She continues speaking, laying out how she feels lacking compared to Alice, and he instantly wraps his hands tighter around hers. ]

It's not about comparing you to her. I'd never do that, and I don't expect you to be her, Jesse. And you're helping me by just being here. I don't think I'd be here without you.

[ He might be the master of many worlds now, whatever that means, but he knows he'd never dig deeper into learning more about that if it meant interfering with his relationship with Jesse. As far as he's concerned, that title might as well be a jumble of words put together; it might have significance and it might not, but it's not more significant than being with Jesse.

He can't imagine putting anything above that, or above her. ]

All I know is, I don't want to waste any more of our time together.

[ Tomorrow she will need to be in the office all day. Just to catch up on everything. Some would say it's irresponsible of the Director, while others would say that the Director needs a life beyond the Oldest House in order to keep a grasp on the world. Both previous Directors succumbed to forces due to a lack of self-control. Either due to being power hungry or making the job the only thing that mattered.

« I can't become like either of them. » ]

There's always an AWE happening. It's if it's in the Oldest House... or if it's somewhere else in the world. The job never really stops. [ She shrugs. ] But, everyone needs a point to pull away from it. Otherwise you probably end up like the last two Directors.

[ Her eyes drift to the side. ] I'm sure she's looking out for you. Me? She wouldn't have a reason for that. You're the one she was trying to save... and reached out to us for it. [ A quick glance up at him with a vulnerable look in her eyes. ] So, what do you plan to do that isn't "wasting time"?

[ Alan knows that there will be days when Jesse will be gone most of the day, and he understands the importance of what Jesse does. She and the others who work at the Oldest House have a hard job, and so he's resolved to just content himself with the times she can be home, because it's more than enough in his mind. ]

Always? [ He may have survived the AWE he was involved with, but that doesn't mean he knows very much about them or how they work. ] So you might have to travel around to deal with AWEs as they come up. [ He knows her, and he knows by now that she likes to be hands-on, so he imagines she wouldn't just send agents to deal with one when she could go herself. ]

Well, if that's the case, I'll just make sure the lights are always on for you when you can come home.

[ He notes the way her gaze shifts, and he's quick to react. ] She's looking out for you too because you helped save me. I'm only here because of the two of you. [ He meets her gaze with a softer look in his eyes. ]

Our firsts. [ It's the first thing he can think of to say, and, well, as far as he's concerned, it's something he wants to do. ] Everyone has that kind of bucket list idea, right? Things they've always wanted to do and check off the list as they do them.

[ They didn't really have the time or opportunity to figure out what their bucket list would look like, or even really have the chance to start dating properly because of everything they were up against.

He wants to have a proper relationship with her, to do couple things with her.... even if all they do is hold hands as they walk around, that's enough for him. ]

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