synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

[ Sometimes Alan thinks he can remember the times they were intimate together. Specific details seem to be elusive and difficult for him to focus on, but he remembers little things like the touch of her hand, or the feeling of her lips pressed against his. Other times, he remembers something more, like a feeling of slight pressure, as if he's recalling a time in which they put aside boundaries and roadblocks and became one, pressing themselves into each other as they kissed or did something else intimate.

He wants that back, just as he wants the kind of synchronicity back that they once had. Maybe he barely remembers it, but the memories of it are there and they're trying to make their way back into his mind again. He doesn't want to be distracted and far away like this forever.

He wants to be there for Jesse in every sense, not halfway there as his mind remains somewhere else. His gaze lowers, looking at where her hand is resting, as he tries to take hold of those elusive memories again. ]

Wandering with you sounds nice, even if we don't end up finding something.

[ He knows he just wants to be with her, no matter what they end up doing, and that thought solidifies in his mind when he sees her moving, and feels her press her lips and chin to his arm.

His head tilts down in return, and one arm moves to circle around her protectively but also lovingly and his hold on her hand tightens just a fraction. ]

I really love you, you know that, right? [ He hopes that she does; he hopes that she doesn't doubt his commitment because of the fact that they have yet to really be in sync as they used to be. ]

[ Jesse nods to his statement. Saying "okay" again and again seems pointless. He's able to hear what she says even when she never vocalizes it anyways.

He shifts to wrap his arm around her and she frowns. Not out of dislike, but attempting to keep everything contained where it belongs inside. Especially in public. Before he can question if he had done something wrong, Jesse turns into him. Her head rests on his shoulder. Her hands clutch onto his more. ]

I know. [ She says it gently, barely above a whisper. Now isn't the time for her to crumble. She's in public. Alan needs her to be almost like the Director while they go out. She'll figure it out. Deal with it. ] I don't doubt it.

[ « I just... I miss him. »

All of these emotions are drummed up because of the other her. That was where all this started this morning. Jesse sharply inhales and gently presses her forehead into his shoulder before squaring her own. Putting herself back together. ]

We'll wander around. See what we can find.

Edited 2024-10-04 02:50 (UTC)

[ Maybe that's part of the problem, at least as far as Alan is concerned. What happened to being someone with a great grasp of words and how to say them? Did he ever really have that skill, or is that just one more thing he lost to the Dark Place? Sometimes, it feels to him that he just doesn't know what to say, or that he can't find the words to use to say what's on his mind.

Still, at least he can still tell what's on Jesse's mind, if nothing else. He can still tell what she's trying to get across to him even if she doesn't use words to do it. That's always been how they are, and he's relieved that's still there, but...

Why does it feel like I'm still not on the same page as her? What happened to our connection? What do I need to do to get it back?

He realizes that all he really wants is to just be with her like they are right now: holding hands, holding onto each other... it doesn't even matter to him that they're in public and that people might see them.

She responds with those words and he responds in turn by leaning into her more as well, just seeking that closeness that they can still manage, even if the rest of it hasn't fallen into place just yet.

He nods in return to her statement, because words aren't really needed. She probably knows that he'd follow her anywhere she decided to go, because he doesn't want to lose her again or be separated from her again. Maybe some would call that strange or unsettling, but that's not how he means it. They spent so long trying to get back to each other even with all the loops trying to keep them apart, so in his mind, it only makes sense.

Then, Alan registers footsteps approaching and his gaze shifts to see the coffee they ordered being brought over. He doesn't let go of Jesse's hand, and he takes his time straightening up from where he leaned into her. Hopefully the shop owner doesn't mind what they're doing. He tries to offer a small smile by way of thanks for making the drinks and bringing them over to them; it doesn't feel as strange as he thought it would, so he decides that's a good sign. Maybe he really can adjust to being back after all. ]

Edited 2024-10-05 20:03 (UTC)

[ She wonders if she's the one that demands too much. He may not be able to be at that level they were when they met and were trapped in the story. Maybe their synchronicity was a byproduct of the story. Their gravitational pull more a factor of Polaris and the Champion of Light reacting. Now that Alan has been removed from the supernatural, and he seemingly has lost the ability to have visions, maybe that aspect of their relationship has gone away along with "Return."

« I'll deal with it if it has. I'm not letting him go just because his parautalitarian abilities are apparently dormant. Or, he can't use them. Whatever it ends up being. »

She reaches her hand out to take the cup from the cafe owner. A short conversation of thanks and well wishes is said back and forth. A long glance is sent at the two in curiosity before another customer walks in and the attention shifts.

Jesse settles back against Alan and quietly sips her coffee. She doesn't look at Alan to see if he's started drinking or even ask if he enjoys it. If she were to be honest? She expects him to simply hold it and it go untouched. That's simply how the pattern has been. She understands. There's no point in continually trying to push him. It hardly worked for him in 2010, it won't work for him now. ]

It's fall now... so maybe we should go clothes shopping. Find you something warmer to wear.

[ He would have to disagree with that, because he wants to regain what they seem to have lost. It can't be lost permanently; it's a vital part of their relationship as far as he's concerned and he's determined to get it back as soon as he can.

It's one of the few things he has to do at any cost, and he knows she might not like the idea of him pushing himself, but it's all he can think of to do.

What happened to me when I came home? Did I lose the ability to sense... other things? The supernatural? That's what drew her to me in the first place: two people who can see past the poster and can do things others can't. If I can't do that anymore, will she still want me?

He can't know that she's just thought to herself that she won't let him go even if that turns out to be the case. Suddenly it feels as though a cold hand has clenched onto his heart and he feels a sinking sense of dread that he tries to cover up.

Once they have their coffee, Alan wraps his hand around his, trying to let the warmth of the drink seep into his skin. It's only in his mind, he's sure, but he feels like he can't get properly warm after his time in the Dark Place. A chill seems to have settled into his bones that he can't dislodge.

He settles against Jesse in return, and after ten or fifteen seconds of staring at the drink in his hand, he slowly lifts the cup and brings it to his lips. Just a few drops slide past and down his throat, and he pauses, trying to decide how this feels. It's foreign still, but he can't let that stop him.

Next, he takes a bigger sip and lets the liquid slide down his throat. It's hot and bitter because he's drinking it black and it feels like it's burning his throat a little, but he can't tell if that's from the temperature or because he forgot the sensation of drinking something and his body's first instinct is to reject it as something unwelcome.

But he doesn't bring up any of this, focusing instead on Jesse and her suggestion. ]

Yeah... and what about you? You probably need some too, right?

Edited 2024-10-06 18:29 (UTC)

I have enough, but, we'll see if something sticks out. You're the focus of today. As much as you hate being in the spotlight.

[ A feeling she knows well because she hates being the center of attention too. Unfortunately, she doesn't get the luxury now that she is the Director. Everything comes down to a call she has to make. She has to balance how she wants to lead the Buearu as well as try to make sure the Board doesn't catch on.

« I can't remember if I had the chance to even tell him about the Board. We probably forgot it during all the loops. It might be for the best. »

She only quickly glances at him when he lifts the cup to his lips. A glance away and then she is back to focusing on her drink. Quicker than he'd notice. He isn't being watched or under a microscope. He'll either drink it or he won't and trying to watch him will achieve the opposite effect than what she hopes will be the result.

Even if he can't see anymore? She isn't giving him up. That might of been what attracted her in the first place, but, he knows how the world really is. He accepts her, Polaris, and everything else. That matters more to her than if he can still be a parautalitarian or not. She loves the determination and ability to over come his fears despite it all.

« Besides... who else can understand what I'm saying without saying it? Who else just throws my walls to the side with a few quick words? That means more to me than his ability to see world behind the poster. » ]

... and if you see something you like for either of us? Let me know. You need your things in the apartment too.

Edited 2024-10-07 02:10 (UTC)

The focus, huh? I've never liked that, not even when I was trying to promote my books before. But as long as it's with you, I don't mind so much.

[ He's not really sure when he became so content with being quiet in the background. Probably thirteen years of having his mind poked at didn't help with his mindset. Now, he just wants a nice life with Jesse. No spotlights, no interviews, no publicity.

Fortunately, he doesn't notice Jesse watching him as he takes sips of the coffee. He's so focused on trying to drink it that her glances go completely unnoticed. He's not sure if he likes it, but how much of that is having forgotten what eating and drinking is? He stares down at the coffee, wondering if this is just how it's going to be for him: he'll eat and drink but not really enjoy it. It'll be something that he does, but that's it. It's just an action like getting up in the morning and getting dressed.

I don't want that. I want it to be more than that; I want it to be normal. But maybe I'll never have that again.

Fingers curl more around the coffee cup as he tries to navigate his thoughts and reactions before he decides to just put that to the side for now. ]

... Like what kind of things? I don't think I was much of a decorator even before all this.

[ He can't quite picture the apartment he shared with Alice, and even if he could, he wouldn't want to bring elements of that into Jesse's apartment. This space is theirs, but it was hers first. Somehow, he feels like he needs to respect that.

He wouldn't know where to start with picking out things to bring to the apartment. ]

I know, but, you need these things. It's not just... putting you in the spotlight to do it. [ Jesse finally looks back at him properly. A worry hangs in the back of her gaze that she won't voice. ] Anything. Pictures, blankets, dishes. It's not just my apartment. It's ours.

[ She shifts then to look at him properly. Head on. If they were in private she'd take his face into her hands and force him to focus on her. It's not hard for her to see when he's lost in his own thoughts. Alan has a particular look on his face when he's thinking and far in his thoughts. Not that it's the same as when he was drowned out by the Dark Presence. She knows both of of those expressions. Thankfully, she hasn't seen the latter since the first days of him returning to their reality. ]

You're not---it's not just that you're staying temporarily. Or an add on to my life. We're together. Sharing a space. You can't just... go along with things that are mine. We need to find things together and make it our space.

Clothes are the priority. Anything else is secondary.

[ The hand holding his squeezes it before resting on his leg. ] Al--[ she stops herself short in case anyone can hear, ]--I know all of this is difficult. Okay? But, I can't let you just keep... just floating along. You're trying. I know you are.

Edited 2024-10-07 04:53 (UTC)

Okay. I- I've asked you to do so much for me already that I don't want to ask you to do more, but... [ His eyes lower once more even as he sees her shift and feels her gaze lock onto his. ] Can you help me with this? And then I won't ask you for more after that.

[ He just knows that if he was left to his own devices to find things that add his own personal touch to her apartment, he'd take hours to do it, and then at the end of it all, probably come home empty-handed.

He wouldn't be lying if he said that re-learning how to live is one of the hardest things about this. Living and surviving are two very different things, and Alan's realizing he's having to completely reframe his way of thinking and acting. ]

I know that, I do. I tried so hard to come home; we tried so hard to make it happen. I'm not leaving, I'm not going to disappear. I'm here and I'm staying here, but I forgot what it was like to live with someone else. To wake up to you every morning. [ I used to wake up to A- No, that's in the past now. I'm with Jesse now. ] I like waking up to you every morning.

[ A flash of that old determination of his has come up out of nowhere, and it seems to be stubbornly hanging on for the time being. ]

Clothes. Okay. I think I can manage clothes. [ Somehow. ]

And yeah, I know. I know you're right, I can't keep living like this. It's not living, is it? [ He shakes his head once, and then he adds: ] I'm sorry that I'm so bad at this. I'm really trying to get better.

[ And having said that, he makes himself lift the cup again and take another sip. The coffee's cooling off, but that doesn't bother him. ]

Of course. I've always been helping you. Ever since the first time you reached out to us.

[ He'll know who she means by that. They're in public and Polaris is technically classified information. She also knows that he doesn't need her to repeat any of what she's said. Who knows how many times she has said something similar to it during all the loops of "Return."

« Maybe it's something we just need to keep repeating. »

She squeezes his leg again. That wall comes down just enough for him to see that vulnerability she doesn't show to anyone else. Alan Wake still has a way with words and managing to entirely disarm her. That sentence may not mean much to anyone else, but to Jesse Faden, it feels like a colossal shift. Almost as if gravity itself has shifted.

« He... really likes seeing me every morning? I never thought ANYONE would ever say that to me. How can---damn it. He's so good at this. » ]

No, it's not living. It's existing. [ The slight nod of her head shows she understands. ] Come on.

[ She stands up and quickly thanks the coffee shop owner before leading Alan outside. Her free hand immediately goes back to his, fingers slipping between the open spaces. She briefly leans against his arm to further demonstrate how much of what he said matters to her. ]

We won't go to a big mall or anything. Just some of the local shops.

I know, and I love you for it. It's more than anyone's ever done for me.

[ He looks up at her again, and this time, he's smiling. It's a wider smile than she may have seen from him before, and it reaches his eyes and forms crinkles on his face.

It's different than his other attempts at smiling, because this time? This time, he's actually happy. He may still have a long way to go, but right now, he's happy and content.

She squeezes his leg and his smile widens even further when he sees that wall come down and sees Jesse Faden looking back at him. She doesn't let that wall down for just anyone, so he considers himself incredibly fortunate that he's the one she's chosen to let in. All he wants is to make her as happy as she's made him, and he hopes that he's beginning to finally do that for her. ]

Existing. That's what it was like in the Dark Place too. I don't want to do that anymore. I want- I want to live. [ He probably doesn't even need to state that aloud, but it feels like it's important.

Then she stands up and he follows suit, quickly draining what's left of the coffee before he lets her lead him outside the shop. His lips turn up again when she takes his hand and her fingers slide in between his. They curl instantly against hers, twining themselves together in an interlocking pattern. ]

Okay, sounds good. [ He tries then to think about something he could get that would be theirs, and then from almost out of nowhere, it hits him... Except it's less of a hit and more of a brush against his mind. ]

Hey, you know those things they have that couples get sometimes? His and hers? Like a couple of matching keychains.

[ He knows she'll know what he's talking about. ]

What about something like that? Coffee mugs, or sweaters... I know it sounds stupid. [ She'll probably shoot it down, but it's worth a try, right? ]

Maybe not the most someone has ever done.

[ « Alice has done plenty for him. »

She still holds her coffee cup in one hand his in the other. They've begun walking by the time he mentions the matching couples items. The coffee mugs and sweaters barely registers as her mind hones in on keychains. Keychains. Hers is on her at the moment as she never leaves with out. A way for Alan to find her if he ever needs it. At least, that's what she likes to think.

Her hand tightens in immediately. ] We can find matching cups. That's fine.

[ Eyes dart down before looking back to his. The vulnerable look remains as her hand squeezes once again. Beyond the keychains, one thought of one item has been hovering in her mind. It's far too early to even think of the word or the action. Still, it would symbolize their relationship as fully coming together. ]

[ The look he gives her is a pointed one, with some indeterminable emotion blazing in his eyes; it came on suddenly before Alan was even really aware of it, but he knows without a doubt that he wouldn't be here if Jesse hadn't been there along the way. ]

Maybe not? [ He shakes his head in almost disbelief. ] You saved me, Jesse. [ Maybe not in the usual sense of the word, but Alan's resolute in his belief that Jesse was instrumental in getting him back here. Sure, he had help from others and he's grateful to them, but it's her that he's choosing to focus on. ]

Only "fine"? We should find something that you want too. [ If only I could find the keychain... it has to be here somewhere; I wouldn't lose it, not that. Unless the Dark Presence took it from me. No, I need to go looking again. ]

If there's something that you want, we should try to find it. [ The way her eyes have darted down without quite concealing that vulnerability in her gaze and the way she squeezes his hand tells him that there's something more... something she wants more than a couple of silly his and hers mugs. But what is it? ]

We'll find it while we're looking around. [ That is, if his usual intuition when it comes to her kicks in. ]

I'm saying I wasn't the only one that's ever helped you. I'm sure others have put in just as much as I have. Just... I'm the more obvious one.

[ « Alice reached out to you, me, Alan... from wherever she is now. Ahti helped. Saga and Casey did too. Plenty of people did a part thar he probably has no idea about. He just sees my part more because ... he loves me. »

Her gaze drifts down and stares at the sidewalk with the vulnerable look lingering. How can she explain it? Alan is barely able to eat and drink. They haven't figured out how they'll handle if he's announcing Alan Wake has returned or if he will adopt a fake name. There are far too many little complications to even begin breaching the idea of them being married. ]

No. Alan, stop. I meant exactly that. Fine is good. I.. I just thought that you wouldn't want something like that.

[ « The keychains were my idea. I insisted on them in the loops. Just like I insisted on us being together. This relationship isn't just about me and what I want... so, if he wants something like that? Then, we find it. » ]

I know of a few places we can look after we see about some clothes for you.

[ Alan quiets for a moment as Jesse's words wash over him. He's drifting in his thoughts but not washing away, although flashes of memories are resurfacing: standing with Alice as the sunrises, waiting inside a room in the sheriff's station, and... standing by a wall with his ear pressed to the surface as if listening intently for something.

No, he knows that he had help along the way, more people than he could ever hope to count or even name. But Jesse saved him; she came when he called out to her, and she helped him when he wasn't able to help himself. He does love her, and he knows he'll never stop loving her, no matter what obstacles they still have to navigate.

Her gaze seems to fall, and he feels a sense of worry grip him, wondering what's on her mind. It must be his fault, because of his inability to do more than just float along, just existing and not living. She said he shouldn't push himself, but he can't see what else he can do. He has to do something. ]

But it's not enough, is it? You want more, and you deserve more. I should be giving you more.

[ If only he felt more settled. If only he felt like he was really living again. Then, it wouldn't be difficult at all to just walk into a store and find a set of rings for both of them. He'd marry her in a second with no hesitation at all, if not for the fact that he's still trying to ground himself. He's still trying to just live. ]

All right. And after we've done that, we'll find something for you too. [ Something for both of them, if it all goes well. It has to go well. It's gone wrong too many times already, and that has to change now. ]

So, where to now? [ He's realizing he doesn't actually know where anything is around here anymore; things change after thirteen years, and the places Alan might have shopped at before may not even still be around. ]

Alan. [ Jesse's tone is sharp. Precise. Stop.

He's looping again. They've had this conversation already within the last twenty-four hours. How he wants to do more and be more and be alive. How she wants more but is settling for the reality of the situation. They've already decided a plan of action. ]

We'll take it a step at a time.

[ Jesse begins to lead him to a store. Not a major one like Macy's or Nordstrom. A smaller one that seems to simply have the basics. They walk in and are welcomed. She nods and then turns to looks at Alan. ]

Take a look around and see if anything sticks out. Maybe something you remember from before. Or, like it.

[ She says his name sharply and he doesn't quite manage to stop the flinch reaction or the way he instantly looks down at the ground. He knows he started looping again, getting lost in his own worries and fears, but it happens automatically and by the time he realizes he's caught in a loop again, it's too late to call back anything he's said. Maybe he'll never get past this, but he wants to. He wants the looping to stop, to happen less and less often, but so far, that has yet to happen. ]

Okay, I'm sorry. Again. [ He wants to shake his head and scrub his eyes as if that will stop himself from spiraling out, but at least for now, nothing seems to help. ]

It doesn't look too different from what I remember from before. [ His lips turn up into a half smile. ] It's normal, nothing too out there. I guess I thought that thirteen years later, people would have gone a little wild.

[ But what does he know? He's certainly not some fashion expert. Maybe it's good that things haven't changed too much, although that still doesn't clear it up for Alan just what he should choose. Part of him just wants to point at something and pick that, because he just doesn't know where to start.

He starts to walk around the shop, looking at the different things they have for sale, trying to stop himself from thinking about how much this might cost and how much Jesse wants to spend. Then he spots some flannel shirts in different colors, and after a moment's hesitation, he walks over to look at them. ]

[ Part of her feels ripped to pieces that he flinches and looks down. She hates acting like the Director around him. That she has to assert herself to get him to stop and focus. How else can she get him to stop spiraling?

Jesse follows him through the store quietly. She let's go of his hand in order to let him wander as he will. The frustration and agitation is obvious in his shoulders as they move along.

She stops as he moves to the flannels. A glance to the side. Then, she comes up behind him quietly and takes a drink. Green eyes move over the different colors before lifting up to him. ]

[ He said he wants to live, and he does, but there's still a part of him that doesn't remember how to do that yet. This is going to help, because it has to, but he finds himself still at a loss about how to do something as simple as picking out clothes.

At least the flannel shirts are something familiar, and they're comfortable too. He scans the different options, looking at the different colors, and then he spots the price tag.

He looks over his shoulder at Jesse as if wondering if this is really okay with her. Maybe since the clothes are for him, he should see about getting money from his own accounts to pay for things. That's another thing he needs to have settled. ]

What do you think about those?

You were wearing a flannel shirt when we first met. Face to face.

[ Not all the memories are there from the first loop. She does remember the flannel and jeans. He wore it time and time again after that. Maybe it was comfortable, or maybe it was important to him for some reason she never knew. At least a reason he never shared.

A glance at the price tag and she nods. The price is fine. He doesn't have his own income yet. ]

Is there a color you like?

[ « Something tells me that he'll go to the black and white one. » ]

A flannel shirt... [ He knows he has an association, an affinity for flannel shirts. They're comfortable and warm, and they just make him feel good. Safe. Content. Why is that? He has flashes of recollections that could explain that, but they're just flashes. Maybe they were more at one point. ]

Yeah, I remember. When I met you, it was at the sheriff's station and they gave me some clothes from the lost and found. [ He dimly remembers being unsure about wearing someone else's clothes, but weirdly enough, the flannel fit him like a glove, and so he didn't complain.

She asks about the colors of the shirts and if he likes one of them, so his gaze turns back to look at them again. He points to the black and white one, as she guessed, but then he points to a darker green and black one as well. ]

[ Jesse nods slowly. From what she can recall, most of the time Alan had the clothes presumably from the FBI Agents. The little memories she can pull up from the first loop (she thinks) had him in the clothes when they first spoke about ... well, everything.

She gently reaches out to take the two shirts he has selected. Green and black.

« Huh. I don't think I've ever seen him pick those. » ]

Let's look around more. Find some other things for you to try on.

[ Similarly, Alan doesn't remember a lot about those first loops, but he remembers feelings... sensations... Flashes of thoughts he had back then. And he remembers that the clothes he was given were just worn enough that they were broken in and comfortable; not too old, but not brand new either. It made him feel reassured, in a way, although everything around him was as far from reassuring as it could be.

Maybe that, along with a feeling that he can't quite explain, is why he still feels drawn to flannel shirts. Then, Jesse suggests looking around more and finding more clothes, and he just looks around the shop as if unsure where to start next.

Obviously, he needs more than a couple of shirts, so he just slowly moves over to the next rack of clothes that makes sense: jeans. And probably after that, he'll need to find outerwear. ]

Sorry, this probably isn't that interesting to you. [ It was her suggestion, but how interesting can it be watching someone wander around trying to find things he likes? ]

You'd be doing the same thing if I were the one shopping. It's not a bother, Alan. [ She shakes her head. ] Just go to what seems comfortable. Things to wear around the apartment.

[ Jesse follows him but not closely. Enough to give him some space so he can take his time and make his decision. She doesn't want to force or pressure him. He needs to decide these things on his own. She's there to support and maybe direct him... even if she doesn't like the idea of being his director in any sense. ]

See anything else you like?

Edited 2024-10-14 06:03 (UTC)

If I went with what was comfortable, it'd be nothing but more of those. [ He huffs out a laugh and gives her a small smile. ] That's not really practical, is it? How do people do this?

[ He finds himself hesitating, suddenly unsure how to keep going or what he should look at next, but then his eyes land on some plainly colored t-shirts hanging on a rack and he goes over to them, pulling a couple of them off.

The rack next to them has some shorts that get the same treatment. He's not really sure of anything, but at least t-shirts and shorts are easy enough. ]

What next?

[ He looks down as if surveying himself and then he remembers jeans and other bottoms are a thing as well. ]

I don't want to know how much this is all going to cost.

oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

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