outlierdirector: ▮ <lj user="outlierdirector">. (dark (3)▸my dark disquiet singing.)
ᴊᴇssᴇ ғᴀᴅᴇɴ | ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᶦʳᵉᶜᵗᵒʳ. ([personal profile] outlierdirector) wrote in [community profile] synthneon2024-01-10 07:34 pm

dead of night || ❝ i see what’s coming, it’s coming into light. ❞

DEAD OF NIGHT

Carve the secrets from your bruised still heart.
Shape my story, tear every page apart
Inside this room, you left your mark
I burn away the shadows, I strike a spark
CODE BY TESSISAMESS

crazyisinevitable: (0137)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-12 05:49 am (UTC)(link)
Sorry, I just- it's hard for me to imagine that anyone still cares after all this time. And I know you can't know, but I had this talk before. [ With Jesse. Why can't I believe it? ] Someone tried to convince me by telling me the same things you just did, but for whatever reason, it's difficult for me to believe. I figured that after thirteen years, the mystique would fade and people would lose interest in my books. I'm still surprised someone actually bothered to turn them into movies.

[ He huffs out a dry laugh and the action makes his shoulder twinge, but he tries to ignore it in favor of continuing this conversation. ]

Well, that makes two of us, although I imagine it's a lot less literal in her case. Something tells me that connections are important around here, but maybe I'm wrong. I wouldn't know as much as you and Ripley, anyway. But yeah, I won't poke around too much. I just want to have a look.

[ And figure out if I'm really sensing who I think I am, or if that's just my mind playing tricks on me again. ]

I'll see you around, Arish. And, uh, thanks.

[ Alan makes a mental note to talk to Arish more later, but for right now, he really wants to follow the resonance. I'm sensing Polaris, but that should be impossible. Except maybe it isn't. Arish is here, and he knows the word parautilitarian. Only one other person I know uses that word. Well, two, if you count Steve. And Estevez, I guess. But she's the first person that I know who used it, so... But why is she here? I have to find out.

He knows that sensation, and he knows that pattern now that he's able to focus on it. It makes him feel nervous and excited, although he feels as though he shouldn't be excited at the possibility of Jesse being dragged into another nightmare. This looks a lot like a nightmare to him, even though he hasn't seen very much of it yet. What he has seen is more than enough, but he figures it's not up to him whether or not he sees more.

For now, though, that tug is pulling at him and he can't ignore it. Not that he was ignoring it at all, but now he's completely focused on following it. He's led to another room, and once he's inside the room, he sees a sight that all but takes his breath away.

Even with her staring down at the papers on the table, he knows it's her. He'd recognize her anywhere. He wants to approach, wants to pull her into a tight hug, but something makes him hesitate. What if she hates him now? What if she wants nothing to do with him? He left her, and she couldn't follow him. And now... she's dragged into another bad situation. What if she blames him and says it's all his fault?

Alan stays frozen in the doorway, torn between walking in and approaching and turning around and going back down the stairs. He's finally found her, but now he's too afraid to get closer. ]
crazyisinevitable: (0104)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-12 07:27 am (UTC)(link)
[ It's weird for Alan to think about something as normal as having a movie night with friends, but talking with Arish about it makes him want it more.

But for now, he just nods at Arish and makes a note to come back to talk with him more later. Strangely enough, it's company that Alan wants most. Company, friendship, talking about anything but the horror they're in: the horror that seems to follow him, mostly because he writes about it. Maybe this really is his fault.

It's obvious to Alan that Jesse has no idea she has company in the room with her, no idea that he's standing there trying to work up the nerve to just talk to her. On some level, maybe it's just the outcome of everything he's done. Maybe Jesse will just shut him out instead of letting him back in. What has she gained from knowing him? Alan's not sure he's really given her anything positive, only negatives.

Maybe that's just what I do. I make people miserable. No, I can't think like that. It's not true, is it? If I keep thinking like this, I'll talk myself out of it and I'll never be able to approach her. Screw it, I have to talk to her. I want to talk to her. Even if all she does is tell me to leave her alone, I have to try.

Truthfully, all he expects from her is rejection. It's only fair, given how he jerked her around, made her think she could save him, and in the end, left her behind. Why would she willingly let him back in after everything he's done? No, he expects that she won't let him back in. His chance with her is over. At least, he's afraid it is. He's certain her walls are back up, and this time, they'll never come down again, not for him. He'll never see the girl from Ordinary again. If he gets to stay in her life at all, it'll only be with the Director, not Jesse.

But he'll never know the truth of it either way if he stays standing here in this door frame. The nudge comes again, as does the voice, and Alan swallows his fears, squares his shoulders, and steps up to the table, feeling in a way that he's stepping back through a threshold, heading once again into an unknown situation. ]


... Jesse?

[ He braces himself for what he's certain is going to be waves of anger, and an order to get out. To leave her alone. Again, like he did before. ]
crazyisinevitable: (0171)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-12 08:42 am (UTC)(link)
[ Suddenly, just like that, everything is gone, everything but the knowledge that Jesse is here. Alan isn't thinking about how he failed to write his escape. He isn't thinking about how he was impaled on a hook. He's not thinking about anything but the fact that he's standing in a room face to face with Jesse, after too long of being apart. He can't put a finger on how long it's been, only that it was too much time.

It feels different now, and not just because they're in a different place. Scratch is gone. The darkness that he's so well acquainted with is gone. There's a different kind of darkness, but it's not the Dark Presence. He's awake, somehow. He's not washing out. He's terrified still, because everything about this place is terrifying, but at the same time, it doesn't seem to matter.

Jesse's here.

He watches her closely, noting every move, noting how she slowly lifts her gaze, green eyes moving in search of his voice. He's already memorized how she moves, but that doesn't stop him from watching her anyway. He doesn't see anger or rejection or hear yelling or cursing. No, he just sees Jesse staring at him, but not staring blankly. He sees those small movements she does, movements so small that they're easily missed. But Alan doesn't miss them. He could never miss them. How many times has he seen her eyes widen in exactly that way? He wouldn't say he has her movements perfectly memorized, but he has committed quite a few of them to memory.

Well, to memory that was always in danger of being washed away. But now, he remembers. He remembers in full.

His gaze travels to her hands, noting the way her fingers curl into the desk. He's seen that before too. She's not angry. She's surprised. Maybe shocked. But maybe when the shock wears off, the anger comes out. It's deserved.

His gray eyes lock onto her green ones as they've done so many times before. If not for the table in the way, he would lean in and press his forehead against hers in the movement that's theirs.

But the table still is between them, and he's still fearing her rejection. But he takes another step forward, stopping once it's completed. He won't get too close unless she welcomes him in, either with words, a look, or a gesture. ]


It's me. Is- Is it really you?
crazyisinevitable: (0117)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-13 03:09 am (UTC)(link)
[ Alan's own shock and surprise is making it just as hard for him to know what to do. It hasn't registered in his mind that he might really be in shock from being hung on a hook, but it seems that all he can do at first is just stare at her. He always knew he would find her again, that he would come home to her, but this isn't home. He's found her, but it's not home. It's terrifying from what he can tell, and their lives are in danger.

But she's here. She's alive, and he's alive and himself, and suddenly he feels a strong resolve to protect her as much as he can. He'd take the hook again, as many times as needed, if it meant she didn't have to go through that hell. God, I hope she hasn't gone through that.

He snaps to attention again the second he sees Polaris's shimmer. He knew it was Polaris, because he knew that resonance, but seeing it around Jesse is all the confirmation he needs. It's obvious to him that Jesse's thinking; he figures she's trying to make sense of this, trying to process his appearance here. He can relate; he's trying to process her own presence here.

But the best way to do that seems to be in line with Polaris's ideas, in a manner of speaking. When he feels her brush against his mind, he stops hesitating. The table is in the way, and it's large enough that he wouldn't be able to reach over it. So he steps around it, moving until he's next to her. He doesn't pull her into his arms just yet, choosing instead to place one hand over her right hand, hoping that confirms for her that he's real. He's here.

If he knows her as well as he believes he does, she needs the reassurance and the confirmation. ]
crazyisinevitable: (0152)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-13 07:46 pm (UTC)(link)
[ All Alan knows is that if he can use whatever resources he has at his disposal (and he doesn't even know what those are, yet), he wants to keep Jesse safe as much as he can. If that means doing his best to keep her from winding up on a hook or dying or both, then he's going to. Maybe the reason for this sudden resolve is coming from a need to have a new objective. Getting home is still the goal. But doing everything he can to protect Jesse seems slightly more important. Except there's a possibility that he can save Jesse and get home; maybe the two goals are connected, or he can nudge them in ways to forge that connection. Either way, he knows what his focus is, and not being washed out by the waves of the Dark Place is helping him keep that focus.

His fingers curl slightly against her hand, as he really wants to do more than just touch her hand. He wants to pull her in for a hug and not let go for a long time. It seems to him that they've come a long way from that very first loop. She lets him touch her now without looking visibly uncomfortable. Maybe she welcomes his touch now. It would seem odd if she didn't, given how much they touched her at various points in their time together. The thought makes him smile in spite of himself.

He knows that their parting wasn't what either of them wanted; he didn't want to go back to the Dark Place, leaving her behind, and he feared her seeing that as the final rejection. The nail in the coffin of their relationship: a relationship that had blossomed even in the loops, but deserved a chance to grow in a world not so filled with horrors. Their reality might still have its share of horror, but it's nothing like the horrors contained in the Dark Place.

No, what Alan wants most is to have a normal life with Jesse, as normal a life as the two of them can have. Maybe it won't be very normal at all, what with her being the Director and him having learned how to survive other realities. He called it mastering them, but maybe that was more for dramatic effect. He still has a long way to go in learning exactly what that means for him and for his relationship with Jesse and people in general.

He stills when he sees her gaze traveling over him. There's no anger there, or rejection, just a look of exxamining him. Taking him in. He figures she'll notice what's different about him, after so long of seeing him wash out and be lost in the darkness brought on by the Dark Presence.

And if he knew what she was thinking, he would say without hesitation that he wouldn't be here without her help. Without the help he got from any of them. She and Saga both contributed, as did everyone he encountered in the loops. Some contributed more, others less, but he considers Jesse's contribution just as great, if not greater, than anyone's. She fought for him, believed he would come home even when he didn't, and she even thanked him for what he did.

No, it's clear to him that he would never have gotten this far without her and Polaris. But now he just owes her an apology for the heartbreak he inflicted on her repeatedly: in the loops, with that last goodbye as he drove away from her. With all the times that he was an asshole even when she told him to shut the hell up and stop being one. He needs to fix what he broke and make it up to her by any means necessary.

He freezes in place when he sees her hand raise. Maybe part of him expects a slap as return for being such an asshole. Instead, her hand just touches his cheek, fingers brushing the scar under his eye. Maybe this is her trying to assure herself that it's him, that he's real and hasn't changed. Even the suit that still feels uncomfortable to him even now hasn't changed. He doesn't pull away because he never would, but this feels like an important moment for her. For both of them. ]


Honestly, I don't know why or how. I was in the Writer's Room as always, writing again, because I was trying to get home. [ Trying to get home to her. ] I didn't notice the fog creeping in. Next thing I knew, there was a forest and a path and- Well. I was here.

[ And ended up on a hook. But he's not talking about that. ]

How did you get here?
Edited 2024-01-13 22:17 (UTC)
crazyisinevitable: (047)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-14 07:29 am (UTC)(link)
[ Alan's trying to figure out just how to assure her he's here. He's here. He's real. He's not in a room somewhere endlessly typing away trying to find the right ending. He was trying to find a way home, and wound up here, but maybe that's what he's not seeing. Maybe he can find a way home from here. This isn't one of his stories. At least, it feels like it's different from his previous drafts. Is that enough to hang his hopes on? Maybe not. But maybe he already has begun hanging his hopes on that.

When she leans forward, so does he. They're closer together now, foreheads almost touching but not quite. He purposefully left a little distance between them. He'll get rid of that distance soon, but not yet.

That look in her eyes hasn't escaped him. He knows what it means. He knows what most of her looks mean. ]


I'm not still there. I don't know how. It was like a path opened, I followed it, and it led me here. That room should be empty now. [ There should be nothing for the owl to look at. No one to follow around the room. Maybe the owl's gone back to just being an owl. ]

I'm here, Jesse. I'm really here. [ And only then does he move the rest of the way to rest his forehead against hers. ]
crazyisinevitable: (0175)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-14 09:00 am (UTC)(link)
[ He lets out a sigh of relief when he feels her forehead press against his, and feels the way her hand turns and her fingers slide in between his own. It all feels like them; it's the things they do when they're together: how they touch each other, how they ground each other. It's all things Alan knows well even though the darkness tried to make him forget it all.

She's leaning against him, and with his other arm, he slides it around her, wanting to pull her closer. It just so happens to be the same side that was pierced by the hook, so he can't move his arm very far without jarring the injury, but he can move it enough that he can wrap it around her and hold her close.

This time, he won't have to let her go. This time, he won't let her go and leave her behind as he walks back into a nightmare. They're in a nightmare now, but at least they're together. At least this time, he can do his best to not let her out of his sight. This time, he's staying with her. He won't be disappearing, not again. ]


I found you. I finally found you. [ He barely whispers those words as he continues holding her, voice low but just loud enough for her to hear it. Somehow, just the fact that he can hold her and feel her is all the proof he needs. ]
crazyisinevitable: (0122)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-14 07:07 pm (UTC)(link)
[ If she still has a wall up, Alan would see it come down. Not because he doesn't think she deserves her privacy or that he wants to break in past her defenses without a care. No, he knows what those defenses mean for her. He knows why she has her walls up, just as he knows he wasn't entirely fair to her by slowly getting her walls to come down, only to leave her in the end. He needs to make up for that.

When she moves more into his hold, he just stops, wanting to do nothing else but hold her and take in this moment that both of them have been waiting for. Nothing else seems to matter, not talking, not taking action, just stopping there and holding each other. But even as he does, the ache in his shoulder seems to grow as if the emergency pack Ripley put on the wound is no longer doing its job. That's only confirmed when Jesse carefully touches the spot and feels blood. He hadn't even realized it was still bleeding, or maybe it just started bleeding while he was talking to her.

His gaze shifts down and he shakes his head slowly. ]
No, I'm- I mean, yes, I am, but it's fine. Ripley took care of it. [ Except if it's bleeding again, then that's not a good sign, but he doesn't want her to worry about it. No, it doesn't really make sense in Alan's mind, so maybe he's lost more blood than he realizes, but he still doesn't want a fuss made. The injury will heal eventually, but he wants to put off getting it looked at.

He's never been a fan of examinations, associating them with being poked by needles. And right now, considering the very large poke he got from the hook, he doesn't want to be poked by anything or anyone, doctor or not. ]


Jesse, it's fine, I'll be fine. [ He tries to protest, but she's pressing his forehead against his and then tugging at his hand, trying to guide him away.

No, I- I don't-

His thoughts suddenly turn panicked and he feels a cold sweat breaking out over his shoulders. Maybe shock is actually setting in, making stringing a complete sentence together difficult.

He doesn't have time to argue further, as they're already out of the room and going up a flight of stairs. Eventually, they reach a hallway and a door, and another room that seems like it's shifted into place. Alan goes through the motions of following the doctor's directions, wincing as he removes his jacket and shirt, the buttons giving him a hard time, but he manages it after awhile.

With the pack removed, the pain seems to swarm back in all at once, and Alan feels uncomfortably hot and cold at the same time. Maybe ignoring the wound and hoping it would heal on its own wasn't the smartest choice after all. He doesn't protest about the stitches, but once the doctor begins putting them in, Alan tenses, hands clenching against the discomfort, even with the area numbed.

But it's over soon enough, and the doctor departs for the time being, leaving Alan and Jesse alone. His gaze immediately shifts to hers, his eyes locking onto hers as he takes a few shaky breaths. He doesn't want to be dramatic about it, but the wound itself hurts more than he wants to admit. He'll shake it off, of course, because it's not even that serious. And the last thing he wants is to make a scene about something that's not a big deal.

His hands immediately press against hers when she takes them in her hands. Oh, he's missed her touches, how she holds his hands. He's missed her, being with her, knowing she's with him. He's missed her green eyes and fire red hair. He's missed everything about her. ]


Yeah... that's about how it happened. And- well, I didn't want to tell you about the hook because I knew you'd start to worry. [ If he wasn't holding her hands and if his shoulder didn't hurt like hell, he'd move a hand to awkwardly rub the back of his neck. He knows by now that she'll worry about him anyway, whether or not he tells her about things like disturbingly sharp hooks. ]
crazyisinevitable: (0120)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-15 12:16 am (UTC)(link)
[ For a minute or two, Alan's eyes slide closed and he just takes in the feel of Polaris's resonance washing over him from Jesse's hands and traveling into his. The feeling is familiar and comforting, and it seems to settle some of his nerves. And honestly, after so long of being clawed at and pulled apart by the Dark Presence, being able to just feel Polaris's resonance with nothing else tugging at him is a great feeling.

Maybe the positves here are far outweighed by the negatives, but as silly as it might be, Alan's choosing to focus more on the good things than the bad. For one, Jesse and Polaris are here. For another, he's awake for the first time in years. They might be in trouble here, but all Alan can think of is how he can be himself now and not a threat to others... not someone to be afraid of or someone to be looked at with a distrusting eye.

Now, he just wants to help. But more than that, he just wants to be with Jesse, in whatevr way that looks like around here. ]


Well, I guess that means you're going to have to show me the ropes, because I don't know what more a hook can be besides just a hook. [ He shrugs and then winces again because he forgot that moving his shoulder kind of hurts. ] I'm getting the feeling that there's a lot I still need to learn, and something tells me there's not a lot of time to learn it.

Another dimension. Of course. [ He assumed as much already, but it seems like just another day in the life for him that he'd try to get out of one dimension only to land in another. And then he just looks at her in confusion. ]

So... so you're saying it brought your headquarters here. It connected to it, took it over, and- [ He shakes his head. He understands things a lot better now, but this is something he's having a hard time wrapping his head around. ] I thought I understood how you did it when you made a connection between your apartment to the Dark Place, but- I don't understand this. But even if I don't understand much of anything, I can learn as I go, so... what can I do to help?

[ He's here now, and he's determined to do his part, whatever that ends up being. ]

And not to be cocky, but this Entity has to have a weak spot that we just have to find. There has to be something we can to do get you all out of here.

[ He thought he saw a flash of gold when he first approached her, but he gets enough of a glimpse of it now to see that it's holding her hair in place. A stray thought enters his mind and for a second, he considers removing it and letting her hair fall out of the bun so he can better touch it. But he decides that can wait for a moment. ]

Yeah. It got me, but at least we're here together, right?

[ And this time, I'm not leaving her. This time, it's my turn to protect her. Maybe even save her. Somehow. I'm still figuring that out. ]
crazyisinevitable: (062)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-15 04:43 am (UTC)(link)
[ He hasn't had time to really stop and think about the repercussions of being here or how he might handle the day to day around here. Considering that he came here straight from the Dark Place, he hasn't had much time to think about anything. But what he does know is that he hasn't felt the waves coming back to take him away, nor has he devolved into hollowed out, mindless narrating. It's possible it could still happen, but he's taking solace in the fact that he's had this long of a reprieve. ]

Well, hopefully we have awhile. [ His lips turn up into a smile that's the one he reserves solely for her. It reaches his eyes and makes wrinkles form at the corners, but it's unmistakably happy. ] I'd like to get acquainted with the Oldest House, if it lets me.

[ He's already begun thinking of the Oldest House as something sentient, based on the wording Jesse's used, so in his mind, it's not that hard to think that it might not necessarily like it if he pokes around. But maybe knowing Polaris and Jesse will help. Maybe. ]

I wonder if that connection to your apartment still exists. I hope it does. [ Because if he just gets sent back to the Writer's Room, he'll still want to use it to pay her visits from time to time. ] As for trying to survive and gather resources, well, I think I can definitely help with that. [ He's gotten a little resourceful himself over the years in the Dark Place. ] I already met Arish. He seems like a good guy.

[ His smile widens a fraction, and then it fades again when she mentions her brother. He instinctively squeezes her hands in return. ]

What do you mean, he's missing?
crazyisinevitable: (0119)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-15 08:53 am (UTC)(link)
Honestly, I consider that a good thing. The last thing I want is to finally get to see you again only to get blown up. Good thing I didn't come here with much of anything, I guess, unless a flashlight and lamp counts as newer technology.

[ He just smiles at her again, but this time, it doesn't quite reach his eyes. There's a part of him that still feels as though he can't tell whether or not he'll make it home. There's too many variables and too many unknowns, and he just can't shake the feeling that it's not going to be that easy. ]

Yeah. One doorway into another. I'd like to move in with you. I'd like to be there when you get home from work. [ I'd like to have a life with her.

His expression sobers more as what she's saying about Dylan sinks in. ]


He can't just be gone. You'll find him again, I'm sure you will. [ And then his expression shifts again to one of thoughtfulness. ] Maybe there's a way to find him.
crazyisinevitable: (0117)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-15 10:07 am (UTC)(link)
That's another thing. [ He huffs out a laugh. ] I'm sure a lot's changed in thirteen years. It's still been thirteen years, right? I'm not any closer to being caught up on advances that have been made over the last however many years. I guess the Oldest House won't have to worry about me bringing anything too new in.

[ Truthfully, he doesn't want to go back to the Dark Place. It feels as though there isn't a reason to now. But maybe that's just him not wanting there to be a reason. Maybe he won't have a choice. But maybe something will be different this time and maybe he really will get to come home. He just isn't allowing himself to be too confident in that possibility. ]

I guess I'm just resigned to it not being that easy. You know how I get, how I am. Asshole, you know. But yeah, you're right. First things first: figuring out how to solve whatever the hell this is and find a way out. [ I just might not be able to make use of that way out. But that's just the way things go.

Maybe he's wrong, and maybe he's not so good at reading her anymore, but he thinks he knows what's on her mind. Or maybe he just feels like trying to reassure her. At least he has the confidence to back up his words. ]


Look, you found me, didn't you? Or I found my way here and found you in the process. Either way, we're together. You're going to find Dylan again, and he's going to wake up. Maybe he is still with the rest of the Bureau, or maybe he'll turn up here. A part of me hopes he does turn up here so that at least you'll be able to see him and have that peace of mind.

[ He's quick to squeeze her hands again, hoping his words do what he intended and reassure her. ]
crazyisinevitable: (048)

[personal profile] crazyisinevitable 2024-01-15 05:34 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Her reaction tells him all he needs to know. It's been longer than thirteen years, then. He had a feeling, but with how differently time works in the Dark Place, he had no way of knowing. In a way, he's glad it's only been one year because to him, it felt like it could have been ten years. ]

Shit. I'm sorry. [ He's not even sure why he's apologizing, except for the fact that he hasn't been able to be there for her like he's wanted to. ] I'm sorry that I wasn't there, and I'm sorry you got dragged into this. It's- you're not supposed to be here. I know none of us are, but you and everyone else who got pulled in should be back at your headquarters, not here.

[ How does part of a building, sentient threshold or not, get brought into an entirely different dimension? And how do you get it to go back?

His shoulder chooses that moment to ache uncomfortably and his expression pulls down into a frown because of the discomfort and because he's not happy that Jesse got dragged into this. That look of loneliness on her face didn't escape his notice, and he just wants to do something to make sure she's never that lonely again. ]


I know, but- even if he wasn't awake, at least he'd be here. [ His frown deepens as his mind goes over what he's learned and the implications of it all. It's nothing that he particularly likes, but when it comes to things like this, there's not much to like.

What about... us?

His gaze fixes back on hers when she asks that question, and seeing how she's already slid back into his space as if she never left, he does the one thing he's been wanting to do since he first saw her here. He leans in closer, which is quite the feat considering how close they already are, and presses his lips onto hers. ]

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