synthneon | oceanview (different path) || ❝ turn the page i need to see something new. ❞

[ Jesse shakes her head at his question that isn't entirely a question. ] No... I didn't. Even if I did, it's fine. She's wrapped up in this new story. It makes her more important.

[ Her tone isn't someone jealous or angry. Resigned seems to be more of what is echoing in it. Noting she doesn't have a place in whatever story Alan has found himself locked into. She is just a stop in the road. One that he might still deeply care about, but she is still ultimately just a stop on the journey. Just like she was merely a side character to help him in his goals last time. ]

If you have something you want to ask, Alan? Just do it. You'll... probably be moving onto the next thing soon.

[ Alan shakes his head immediately. No one in this story is more important than anyone else. They're all important, and he feels a strong compelling force telling him he needs to take care of them all, somehow.

They got dragged into this because of him, and so it's his responsibility to make sure they stay safe. ]

You're important too because you're in this story. It's my fault you're in this story, so I need to keep an eye on you.

[ He knows that's his responsibility, and while he's never been the most responsible, he knows what he needs to do now. ]

I'm sure it doesn't mean much, but you need a place to stay. I think... [ He has to pause and actually think before he finishes what he started to say. ] Alice moved out, but the apartment is still in our name. You could stay there, if you wanted.

[ Her eyebrows narrow. Did he? She is the one that insisted on seeing him. The one that broke down. He could have left her there in the park. She instigated her insertion into the story this time. Not the other way around. ]

It's not you're fault I'm here. I insisted. [ Her heart tilts to the side again with a frown on her face. Eyes drift away. ] I wasn't supposed to be here.

[ It's clear then that the walls her older self he once met are beginning to form. Not to keep him out, but to separate herself from things. Protect herself. Make it so she can continue with what she has tasked herself to do on her path.

He's still invited in. She hasn't shut him out.

Just resigned that he won't be coming home.

At his last remark, she pauses. Looks up at him. ]

Alice moved out? Why? [ How does he know? Wouldn't it be weird to have me live there then... ]

You insisted, but you're still part of this. You're still caught up in this because of me. Because I pull people in somehow. Maybe you can pull yourself out again. It's- it's safer if you're not involved. I want you here; I like having you here, but it's dangerous for you.

You could get hurt, or worse.

[ Maybe those walls that she's putting up to try and protect herself will protect her from the dangers of the story. Alan doubts that that'll be enough, but he can still hope. If it's not enough, then he might be forced to push her out for her own safety.

Something tells him she won't appreciate that. ]

It wasn't too long after we started heading for divorce. She didn't want to live with me anymore, understandably. The apartment we shared... it's in both of our names, so she could have stayed. She could have told me to go. I don't really know why she chose to leave.

Maybe someone can sign the apartment over to you. We own it, so maybe that would work. At least it would be a place for you to live in.

[ Her gaze narrows slightly. ] I could get hurt?

[ That's happened already. Just not in the way he means it.

He left her behind.

Jesse looks downwards again. A frown on her face. Living in his old apartment without him? She can't imagine what that would be like. The things all around that would show how it was the home he and Alice Wake shares. The apartment filled with their relationship and history. Every corner of it...

Her frown sets more. ]

I'd rather live there with you. [ It couldn't feel like my place without him. Otherwise, I'm just stepping into their relationship. Their space. I know that's not how he sees it.

She glances to the other side. ] I'll make something work.

[ Her eyes quickly flick up to his then down once more. ]

What about the coffee date?

Hurt, killed... I don't want that to happen to you. [ This story is a monster. People have already gotten hurt because of it. I won't let her get hurt too. ]

I know, and I want that too. We'll get that one day, when the story ends. When it's over, I'll come home. [ If she's still waiting. If she wants to wait for me. I can't ask her to do that, but either way, I'll come back. ]

What if you talked to Barry? He has connections and he could figure out something. What if I write a letter with instructions for him? That could work. He knows me, and he knows... well, he knows I do things spur of the moment sometimes. He'd do it if I asked.

[ He pauses for just a second, and then he remembers. ] Yeah, I owe you a coffee date. Several coffee dates.

[ He reaches for her again, fingers stretching out to touch her hair. He wants to ask something; he wants to suggest something that they can do together, but he's realizing he's not sure how to ask it in a way that won't offend her. ]

I had an idea, but I know it's going to sound weird.

I've already been through that. [ Jesse can't find a better way to say it that doesn't come off as cruel or mean spirited. She doesn't mean it that way. Just... statement of fact.

The stories he's involved in have already hurt her in a way that makes everything else pale in comparison.

Her gaze drops.

"... when the story ends. When it's over, I'll come home."

If she continued to try and delude herself that Alan was home? Those few sentences would have ruined the lie she tried to believe. It really is just another story he's wrapped up in. One she inserted herself into because she ... she needs him. She needs that connection to someone that's gone through what she has. Maybe she needs it more now that Polaris has gone away. ]

Wheeler? He's... he manages a rock band now. He wouldn't have the time for me. Probably wouldn't want anything to do with me either. [ She pauses. ] Sorry. I'm not--I'm not trying to say "no" to everything. I just... is there a place for me with the people you know if you're not there?

I... I don't know. I'm not sure I know much of anything anymore.

[ Little does she know that Barry would do anything for Alan. Especially if he felt it was in memory of a best friend.

Jesse doesn't hesitate or glance at his hands. He reaches out to touch her hair and she immediately leans into it. She can feel... something. It feels like that unique frequency that she only seems to reach when he's there. Just, muted. Distant.

«No, no. It's--it's not supposed to be so far away. It's me, isn't it? There's something wrong with me. Is... is that why you left? What did I do to... how do I FIX this? »

She moves forward by half a step. Her hand reaches up to rest on his arm, head tilting into him. Trying to feel him on that unique place that always made her feel... brighter. ]

What idea? [ Her voice is soft, clearly worried something has gone wrong. No, not has gone wrong. That something is wrong--with her. ] Everything about us has always been weird, Alan.

Edited 2024-06-10 16:40 (UTC)

You mean I put you through that. [ Alan's tone flattens, but it's him he's mildly upset with, not her. ] It's fine if you say it, because it's true. You've already been hurt because of me.

[ He unwittingly echoes her thoughts, but he knows it to be true even if he'd rather pretend it's not. Still, they're way past pretending; he can't pretend that he hasn't hurt her, and she can't pretend that he's really home.

Still, there's one thing he can do for her that might have lasting consequences. Barry would gladly do anything for his old friend, even something as seemingly odd as this. ]

A rock band, huh? [ Somehow, that's familiar. Did he mention that in his writing? Did he come up with that, or did Barry decide to strike out on his own? ] Nah, I think that Barry would do it as a favor to me, his old friend. And of course there's a place for you. You and Barry already have a connection, because you're both my friends.

[ He pauses for a second, and he smiles at her. ] Yeah, you're right, everything about us has been weird, but- I don't want to be so weird that you think I'm actually insane or something.

But uh... I was thinking, there's a shower here, and it looks like it's big enough for two people to get in. If- if you wanted, anyway.

[ It's crazy and probably too forward, but Alan puts the offer out there anyway for her to do whatever she wants to with. ]

[ Her entire posture stiffens at his tone. Hands curl slightly, shoulders rise. A reflex defensive measure against what he says. It's not that she denies that he hurt her--probably in the worst way imaginable. It's the fact she doesn't want to think about it anymore. She doesn't want that conversation (argument) to be the thing that defines and haunts them for the rest of ... however long they have. It should be the good things that come to mind when he's gone away again. Not the goodbyes.

Jesse shakes her head slightly. The motion is so small that he may not even notice. She isn't going to say any of it out loud. Saying it makes it more true than it already is.

« Can't we just move past that fucking room? I hate it. I hate how all of that ended. I want--it should be like it was before that damn room. Before the Clicker, and that stupid shoebox, and the page inside it. I HATE that room. It made him leave. It made him... he left me behind because of it.

He promised he wouldn't leave. »

It was a stupid promise and she knows it. Something unbelievable and unrealistic that she chose to believe in anyways. It was what she wanted to hear. What she wanted to pretend was actually possible, just like pretending he was actually home now. Except, they're past pretending.

Jesse looks down at the floor in the space between them.

« I hate that fucking room. »

She just wants all of it to stop hurting.

With her gaze cast down, she misses the smile on his face. The tone in his voice has shifted and that is more of what she picks up on than the words themselves. ]

I'm the crazy one. Remember? [ Her response is quick, biting, filled with bitterness all directed inwardly at herself. An air of destructiveness in a tone. ] So crazy I can't hold down a job, I can't keep a roof over my head. Crazy Faden arguing with people about industrial accidents and writers that aren't--

[ Jesse immediately cuts herself off. Locks it all back down in an instant. She can't let him know that it's all gone to hell because of her. Because she can't keep her mouth shut about Ordinary. She can't stop insisting Polaris is real. Dylan isn't dead, he's a hostage of the government. That Alan Wake isn't dead, he's missing, and he wasn't some insane serial killer that went from party to party killing...

She lowers her head until it rests against his chest. Green eyes close. ]

--Yeah. It, it sounds nice. That's--please. [ Before her walls break entirely and he sees what the last two years have done to her. ]

Edited 2024-06-12 10:42 (UTC)

[ She doesn't have to say anything. Just her actions say it all, at least for Alan. He doesn't need words to tell what her answer is. It couldn't be clearer to him that she doesn't want to linger on the subject of what he's done. Of how he left her behind, with barely enough time for a goodbye.

His eyes zero in on that small shake of her head. Anyone else might have missed it, but Alan Wake studies people. He does it to add a sense of realism to his books, to his writing, and it's become something of a habit in his day-to-day, even when he's not writing.

If he could go back and do it again, maybe he wouldn't have promised her that, knowing he wouldn't be able to keep that promise, at least not right away. Maybe now the promise has shifted: he'll come back. He'll come home, and she won't be alone again. Still, he should have known better than to promise something he wasn't in a position to fulfil.

But now he's in a different position, and while he can't do much, there is one thing he can do. ]

No, you're not. At least, you're not on your own there. It probably won't win me any potential-boyfriend-of-the-year awards, but... we're both crazy. A little messed up. That means we have something in common. We have more than that in common, of course, but that's what started us off, isn't it? Well, that, and a crazy story. You've had crazy things happen to you, and your life looks a little crazy right now, but the point is, you're not going through that alone.

Okay. Let's do it, then. [ He holds his hand out to her, still with that smile on his face that's gradually growing warmer and wider the longer he looks at her. ]

[ "...you're not going through that alone."

Jesse is so glad, in that moment, that her head is tilted down against his chest. He can't see the bitter and cyclical look on her face. Her gaze darts to the side, hidden from him, as she works quickly to put it all behind the walls she's started to construct.

« Not alone. Right. Maybe not right now. But, he isn't staying. You're gone. EVERYONE is gone. "Not alone."

He can be such an asshole sometimes. »

She hates how he is so good at words. He can make her react in almost anyway possible with the right combinations of them. Even worse? She lets the reactions happen. Because, when he uses the right words, she does feel normal. Like she could have things regular people have--just a bit weirder.

Potential boyfriend of the year. That'd be nice.

A shaking exhale leaves her once everything is put back behind the wall before he can see it. Her shoulders sag before her hand reaches out to take his. It takes another moment before she pulls the courage to look up at him. She takes a small step back into the bathroom and tugs him with her. ]

[ Alan isn't a mind reader; he's perceptive, and he can read people. He's spent a lot of time practicing reading people in the name of helping him with his books and making the characters in them feel alive. The jury's out on how well he's succeeded, but he's developed a habit of just observing people and watching how they move and act and talk. And although Jesse isn't talking at this moment, he can still pick up on a few things about her. They're only guesses, of course, but they're backed up by what he knows to be true.

She's not alone right now, but when this ends, when he has to leave, she'll be alone. He won't really be with her, because he's not really with her. That makes him a liar, or at least someone saying pretty words and wishing they were true. Which is worse? He feels like the last part is the worse option of the two, because it gives her false hope.

I really am an asshole.

And yet even though he is an asshole, he sees her pulling herself back up, but more than that, he sees her reaching for him. She's not turning away, or pushing him away, or yelling at him to get out so that she can actually be alone.

He feels that tug on his hand as she steps back into the bathroom, and so he follows, drawn along by that tug and that pull he always feels towards her. Once they're both inside, he pauses, standing in the door frame, as if to ask if this is really all right with her. ]

[ She doesn't know exactly what this situation is. It feels like Bright Falls. Which means a story and manuscript pages. Which means certainty things having to happen. Maybe the ending isn't done this time or maybe it really is done. Maybe all Alan has to do is live through the events in hopes it brings him home. Maybe he interjecting into it has derailed the storyand ruined his chances.

Maybe, in the end, it doesn't matter because they're not supposed to be together.

That thought causes a flare of anger. How could it feel the way it does if they're not supposed to be more than passing allies? Why would there be a constant pull towards him? Like gravity swaying her over and then wanting her to spiral down until he's the only thing she can think about and feel?

« What if things don't want us together and that's why it's so damn hard? »

Jesse glances down once he stops in the doorway. A pressed frown appears at the corners of her mouth. Another tug of his hand.

He doesn't get to hesitate or question once he's put the offer down and she agreed. It's been two years. She misses him, he supposedly misses her. It shouldn't be that complicated. ]

[ Maybe Alan should have a better idea of what he's doing, but if he's being honest about it all, it feels a little like he's throwing ideas at the wall and hoping something sticks. Maybe even this meeting with Jesse is some half thought out idea. It's certainly desperate, and probably dangerous, but he really wanted to see her. He missed her, but maybe him missing her shouldn't have been reason enough to drag her into all this.

But wasn't she already involved the second you showed up at her door in Bright Falls?

He can't really argue with that, even though he wishes he could.

Then, he feels the tug on his hand and he returns to the present and to Jesse. Oh, right, they were going to step into the shower together. He knows that she's right; he shouldn't second guess himself when he's the one who put the offer on the table, so he steps in closer to her, moving into the bathroom properly.

The next step is obvious: getting ready to step into the shower, but he pauses, not out of unwillingness, but more from a place of letting her set the tone of how this is going to go. ]

[ An eyebrow raises at how he pauses once again. Jesse shakes her head slightly at him. Then, she lets go of his hand in order to start pulling off her hoodie. Just a simple t-shirt underneath it as well as jeans and a pair of sneakers. Clothes covered in dirt and dust of the Arizona desert. She's thankful he hasn't asked about how long she's been without a proper place to call home.

The hoodie is thrown to the side. Then, she reaches up and pulls her hair from the ponytail she has it in. Green eyes dart to his gray ones. Does he want to undress her? Should she do it herself? Is this supposed to be something intimate--as she hopes it is--or just something to awkwardly clean off with? It hasn't escaped her notice he's covered in dirt, what looks to be mud, and maybe even... oil? ]

Do you like hot showers, or...

[ He watches her set to work removing her layers, noting how she stops after removing her hoodie. He's not even paying attention to how he looks or what he's also covered in, but maybe a shower would be good for both of them, in more ways than one.

He steps a little closer and one hand reaches out to rest on her shoulder. It doesn't just stay there resting, however; he gives a slight tug on the fabric that bares the skin of her shoulder, and he offers her a small smile, not even bothering to hide the desire he has for her. ]

Yeah. Hot showers are good. Good for relaxation and... other things. What about you?

[ Eyes quickly dart to the hand as he tugs, then back to his eyes. There's a heavy beat in her chest. A familiar feeling rises up inside her then. A desire she knows but hasn't felt in ... awhile. One that she knows is directed at him.

Then, her heart stops.

« What if he doesn't want anything to do with me now that you're gone...? What if... he won't be interested because I'm... normal. »

She feels like a part of her has been muted. Turned off. Polaris doesn't answer and she feels almost disconnected. Numb and disconnected. Out of control.

A hand raises to touch one of his elbows. ]

I like them. Yeah, I do. [ A pause as she feels a blush on her face. ] "Other things"?

Edited 2024-06-22 10:41 (UTC)

[ Maybe that's what this was about all along: pleasing her, making her feel good, giving her what she wanted even if he wasn't initially sure if she really wanted it. Maybe he wasn't even sure he wanted to give this to her, but now he knows he does.

It matters to him that Polaris is gone; it bothers him that she is, and he wishes he could do something to bring her back. But he's not in a position to make that happen.

... Or is he? What if he could do something that might draw her back in? It's a thought that comes from seemingly nowhere. Well, not nowhere, but it's not anywhere that makes sense to Alan right now. Grow brighter and maybe she'll come back.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Alan's brow furrows because he doesn't understand it, or where that idea even came from. He has a suspicion, but it's an insane one. No more insane than anything else going on around you.

For now, Alan tries to tune out the weird voice that sounds unsettlingly familiar so that he can focus on Jesse and on what she wants. Maybe he'll come back to that voice later. Maybe. ]

Yeah. Other things... [ He pauses because he wants to word this in just the right way. ] Couple things. Things couples do in- you know. If you wanted to think of us as a couple.

[ Couple things.

Jesse feels the air catch in her throat. Are they a couple? We're they a couple? She was never sure. They were two people caught up in a level of weirdness and insanity. People who were wrapped up in the feelings of the moment. At least, she thought they were in the moment. It was only after he left her behind she realized it was more than just heated momentary passions.

She does love him.

Now that the undercurrent of driving emotions from that otherworldly part of her is muted? It's so clear to her as she stands in the bathroom of some altered motel with him. She can feel how her heart pounds at his touch on her shoulder. The rush of desire and also happiness at the idea of kissing him, being intimate in any form with him. The excitement at the idea of just being near Alan Wake, adventures or no adventures.

The feeling of wanting to be his.

« Is it... really okay if i love him? » ]

Are we a couple?

Edited 2024-06-23 17:55 (UTC)

[ He notes how the air seems to catch itself in her throat, and he pauses, wondering if he's said the wrong thing. He's just speaking aloud how he feels, and how he feels is that they are a couple... a new couple, perhaps, and still figuring everything out about each other, but his mind has already made itself up.

On some level, his mind has decided that Jesse completes him, and because of that, they're already a couple. In some ways, he doesn't yet know how to reconcile his history with Alice and this unexpected discovery of his feelings for Jesse, but it's a process and an undertaking he's willing to go on until he figures it out.

He loves her, and he wants to explore that love, so that's what he intends to do. ]

Do you want to be one? I mean, do you want to be one with me? It's not fair of me to ask, but could you be happy being with me?

Yes.

[ The answer is quick, immediate, and might encompass all his questions. Even if all of what he asks is unrealistic. How could they truly be a couple with him trapped in another dimension? When they can only manage moments of time together? Even then, knowing that, she wants to be with him. She wants to be with someone who understands what she has been through. Someone as not-normal, someone touched by otherworldly beings.

And, even then, a smaller part of her hopes that she somehow inspires him to write again.

Her heart pounds. How did she fall in love with him? When? Do the little details like that matter at all? They do, don't they? It isn't just some rush of emotions though. She felt this way before... she just didn't realize it all. No, she was afraid to admit it in case he left. And, he did.

When did she fall in love with him?

All she can think is it had to have been an attraction from the start she refused to realize. Something that quickly grew the more he was insistent on knowing her and learning her story. How he never refused what she said or believed, even when he struggled to believe it. How when they held hands everything just felt... right. As if everything was going to be okay no matter what happened. Things don't feel that way now.

Is it because they've been apart for two years?

Her hands flex slightly at her sides, but she doesn't move to touch him. His hand is still on her shoulder. Her heart keeps pounding as she waits for him to do something. Anything. What if she moves to do something and he disappears as if all of this is a dream? It's stupid, but the fear is still holding onto her. That determination he saw in her eyes has taken a hit. How could it not? There's been no one in her corner. Everyone left.

Now what do I do? I can't find Dylan. I don't know where else to go. Alan says I can't talk to the people from the government in Bright Falls. Breaker said that too. So what do I... Could I go into the Lake after him? ]

Edited 2024-06-24 09:07 (UTC)

Good. [ He pauses for a moment, eyes looking her over, taking in everything of her that he can see. ] I say that because I want all of that too. I don't know how we can be that, but I want it. I- I didn't want to say it if you didn't want it too.

[ But is wanting enough? Could it ever be enough, when so much of this is bigger than both of them? It's so much more powerful than them. Alan's no fool; he knows that love doesn't always conquer all. Still, that doesn't stop him from having romantic tendencies.

If their time together is limited, shouldn't they make the most of it?

He believes so, even if a part of him wonders why she even fell for him in the first place. Surely loving him isn't fair to her. She could have better; she deserves better. But if she fell for someone else, he knows that he would hate him because that person isn't him. He'd be jealous of them, and yet happy for her that she found someone who could be there for her all the time. Why? Because that's what she deserves. That's who she deserves.

He notes how her hands flex, but she doesn't move. She just stands there waiting for... something. And that's really all he needs; if she wants him to do something, well, he will. He moves his hand from her shoulder to take hold of her hand, and with his other hand, he sets to work removing the t-shirt that she wears. He was about to just pull her into the shower with him, but at the last second, he remembered they haven't finished undressing yet.

First things first... But if it takes too much time, he might just pull her in and follow after her, clothes and all.

... It's not like he's eager or anything. ]

[ Her gaze softens. How can they be it when he's realities away? When all they have are these snapshots together? It's not really a relationship or conventional in the regular sense. Does that matter? Do they need to be?

Her fingers slide between his on instinct. She can feel a spark of that old feeling. Something feeling right at his touch. Then, he sets about trying to remove her top, and she helps move out of it. Then, she moves to help take off his flannel. Undo his belt.

A glance upwards is given to him if that's alright. ]

Or do you want to...

[ It doesn't seem possible. It seems insane, foolish, out of their reach... and yet, Alan feels as though it's something he'd fight for. It's something they both want, so that makes it worth trying to hold onto.

Her top comes off as a result of both of their efforts, and once it's off, he strokes her forearm once before she starts to help remove his own layers, starting with the flannel and the belt he wears. He sees her glance at him, and a small smile comes to his face followed by a nod. ]

I do want to, with your help. If you want to.

[ Jesse nods to his statement and helps him undress.

She hates how timid she feels. Almost like all the confidence and stubbornness that made her Jesse Faden has evaporated. Gone. Not just because Polaris is gone. That was the last straw, when she thinks about it. She has no direction, no idea of where to go, no one to rely on to help. Polaris had been there even when the rest of the world had never believed her.

Green eyes raise up to his gray ones once again.

« I love him, even if he can't love me for being... normal. » ]

Can I stay with you?

[ « This time. Can I follow him into the dark? » ]

Edited 2024-07-01 09:44 (UTC)

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