synthneon | YGO PSL | ❝ i forget why i stay, and wonder if they'd notice if i slipped away. ❞

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YGO PSL | ❝ i forget why i stay, and wonder if they'd notice if i slipped away. ❞

			RAIN
		

( for once a post not continued from a meme!! we just continuing this hurt/comfort train down the way to hell. )

[ It was almost strange coming back home to Japan. It wasn't as if he had gotten used to being in America or their customs (or food - the size of the portions). More of it had to do with routine and getting back to normal day-to-day life. School work, tests, helping in the game shop. There were no tournaments, no life threatening situations. Strange is the word he guesses he'd put to it all if he had to find one. Somehow he had gotten used to the duels, the stakes, the adventure. Everything else is just... mundane.

That isn't the only issue, even though he'd like to point it to being the only one.

As the days go on and life returns to normal? The reality of time just becomes more apparent to him. Each day brings graduation closer. Graduation means the next step in their lives... and that means everyone will be going their separate ways. Usually Yugi can look past that. He can enjoy the time he has with everyone, but, it must be the combination of everything this particularly rainy autumn day. Graduation, what he'll do after school, and what he should do as the keeper of the Millennium Puzzle versus what he wants.

Autumn... graduation is in March. He'll be nineteen afterwards. It'll have been three years since he solved the Millennium Puzzle and woke the spirit that resides in it. Only three years. It feels like a lifetime, but, one he's glad to have had. A lifetime that he can't help but feel is going to be ending sooner rather than later despite what everyone around him says.

He knows everyone has noticed how quiet he has been the last few days. Atem still has been rather distant from everyone since they arrived back home. Yugi has decided not to bother his other self with what is going on in his head. Oh, he's sure Atem has sensed it and has even figured it out, but, he's still contending with his own issues left over from Dartz. Yugi doesn't plan to complicate that more with his own emotional battles. He'll have to rely on just himself if Atem ever leaves anyways...

Yugi steps into the entrance way of the school to grab his shoes. That is when he notices Anzu standing outside underneath the cover of the entryway. He looks down - making sure that she doesn't notice him - before trying to make the mental leaps on how to avoid her inevitable questions if he has been alright. He doesn't want to think about it. As far as he can tell, she has chosen which one of the two she likes, and he can't blame her for that. He knows she isn't going to take I'm fine as an answer too much longer. He doesn't want to think about how she'll be leaving shortly after graduation to study abroad - just like she has always wanted to.

Everyone has someplace and somewhere they plan to go but him. Even his other self has a destined path that moves him forward. Maybe all Yugi is meant to do is make sure each of them go where they're supposed to go. That might be his role in all of it. What is the point of all of it then? He finally makes the friends he wants and then has to see them all leave him behind?

He sighs and pushes down his frustration. It'll just bring more unwanted attention to himself. Especially from the spirit of the Pharaoh who is most likely worried but hasn't addressed it all.

Yugi closes the locker door and stares at the ground for a moment. With a sidelong glance at Anzu outside, he turns his back to the front doors. He supposes what he is about to ask is highly uncharacteristic, but, he's probably entitled to some alone time in his own soul room after everything.

'Other Me?' He gently calls out in their shared link. Part of him hates to ask this because it must seem spineless to a person that commanded armies and controlled a kingdom. 'Can you do me a favor?' ]

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[ Everything Atem's thinking flees from his mind the second he sees tears begin falling from Yugi's eyes. In just a few seconds, he's standing right in front of him, reaching for his hands, hoping he'll let him take hold and not pull away. ]

Yugi, your friends may leave, but I am confident that it won't be forever. You'll see them again, and there are ways to stay connected. [ He might not really understand all of those ways, because some technologies are ones he's still trying to adjust to, but he knows that just because there is some distance between friends, that doesn't mean they'll never talk to each other again. ]

As for me, I don't plan on going anywhere. Lunafreya may leave for a time because of her responsibilities, but I'm confident that she'll return when she's able to.

It may only be the two of us for a little while, but our friends will still be with us.

[ And then it seems as though Yugi's just continuing to reveal the heart of the matter, what's really bothering him. ]

Who says that you do, Yugi? Surely it's possible to have what you desire most and still fulfill your responsibilities. It doesn't have to be done perfectly.

[ If he's learned anything from his time here, it's that sometimes even the best laid plans don't always go exactly as expected. ]

What is it that you want the most? There must be a way for us to make sure that you get it.

[ And if there is a way, he intends to stand beside Yugi until they find a way to reach it. ]

[ He looks up at his best friend once Atem puts his hands over his. The expression in his eyes says he knows this and he understands it. Even then, he is struggling with the idea of separating from them. They have each other's chat IDs. They have social media. There are ways he can keep in contact with them...

Maybe this is what he needs to work through after everything that happened with the Orichalcos. Yugi hasn't shared what it was like to be separated from all of them in that never ending darkness. How the god of the Orichalcos would feed on their energy and strength. He knows Atem is still struggling with his own guilt and grief over it, and he wouldn't dare make his partner feel worse than he already does. But, Yugi would be lying to himself if he didn't at least admit in his own heart that the experience brought back the painful memories of the time before he had completed the Millennium Puzzle. Anzu was there, of course, but she was only aware of so much of it.

Lunafreya. It's almost weird to hear her full name. Probably because he still struggles with being able to say it. ]

I'm the keeper of the Millennium Puzzle. I'm the vessel for you. I have things that I need to do for you.

[ Everyone has always said it--haven't they? Shadi, Ishizu, Marik. They've all said time and time again that he has a duty and responsibility to the ancient magical item and the soul that resides inside it. Trails, tests, and even restoring the memories of the Pharaoh himself. ]

What if doing what I'm supposed to do makes it so you have to leave? [ He looks down again, a frown tinted with frustration on his face, and tears still running down his cheeks. ] I want you to stay here with me. I don't want to lose my best friend. But, if I don't do my part, then, I'm failing you.

[ Yugi's hands curl around the phone then as he shuts his eyes tightly. Now comes the tears of frustration and anger at no one else but himself and his inability to cross this hurdle in his way. ]

I don't understand how you do it. I know you want to stay here too. I know you like being with all our friends, and that you want to be with Luna. Even then, you can put that aside and do what you have to. But, I...

[ ...can't do it, he finishes the statement to himself. Admitting it out loud just seems like he's letting Atem down even more. ]

[ Atem just remains silent then, sensing that everything Yugi's saying are thoughts and feelings that he needs to give voice to. But soon enough, he finds that he can't stay silent anymore, and the grip he has on his friend's hands tightens.

Of course it's true that he's still working through his own feelings and emotions, but he can push those away in favor of trying to help his partner navigate his own storm. He still has a long way to go before he'll feel like himself again, but suddenly, it's become clear to him that his own personal battles aren't as important as the emotions that Yugi is trying to brave his way through. And the thing is, he doesn't have to do it alone, because he intends to stand by him. ]

But you're so much more than just that, Yugi. You're your own person, and you have your own things that you need to do for you. And that includes taking care of yourself.

[ Atem's worry and concern for his friend just grows with every word he hears from him, and all the guilt that he's been trying to navigate fades into the background as he puts all his focus and attention onto Yugi. ]

Then don't do it. Do what you want to, not what you're expected to. [ And then he smiles, hoping to reassure him at least a little. ] And by the way: I'm going to stay right here. I won't be going anywhere. [ And he doesn't have to do anything, let alone leave. ]

You couldn't ever fail me. [ He won't be giving voice to this, because it's something he has to address, but he's the one who failed Yugi first, even though he's trying to move on from that. ]

I don't understand how I do it either. [ He means that too. ] I wouldn't be able to do anything if I didn't have you and all our friends behind me.

[ He's not certain if his words are helping, or if they're even reaching his partner, but he's trying. ]

Yugi, the only thing you have to do is to just be yourself. You won't be failing me, or letting me down.

[ You're only letting yourself down. Again, he leaves that thought unsaid, because he thinks it wouldn't help Yugi to hear it. ]

You've been a good friend, the greatest friend that I could have ever asked for.

[ He pauses for just a moment, and then he adds: ]

I wouldn't be where I am or who I am right now if our paths had never crossed. You are doing your part, and you have been this whole time.

[ Atem might still have his doubts about himself and his worth, but one thing he is completely clear on is that Yugi is doing more than enough just by being himself. ]

I know... I know... but...

[ He doesn't mean to sound as if he's brushing off the concern of his best friend or what he's saying. He does understand it. Really. It's just..

Yugi knows what it is deep down. He's scared. He's afraid that he can only be who he is now is when his friends are there. What happens when they leave? What if everything goes back to how it was before when it was only Anzu? Except, he won't even have Anzu there. Her eyes are forward and moving onto America... or they're on Atem. There are times he feels as if Anzu's already moved on from him and maybe she has.

He frowns. How can he not do it? How can he sit by, knowing they have everything his other self needs to get his memories back, and do nothing to get them back? Ultimately it is Atem's choice and he knows it. If the spirit of the Millennium Puzzle has to decide when and if he wants his memories back. Still, Yugi can't help but feel guilty, as if he's the reason Atem doesn't want them. That thought alone is crushing in its own way. Does he hold Atem back from what he needs to do? Does taking care of him, being his protector, keep him locked in the endless maze of the Puzzle?

Yugi's focus snaps back to his partner from the wandering thoughts as he continues to speak. He doesn't feel like the greatest friend or the best partner. He feels torn between needing the people around him and letting them go. All he feels capable of doing at the moment is staring back at his other self with feelings of regret, frustration, fear and loss. None of those things help either of them.

Maybe that's something his partner can feel coming off of him. ]

Edited (added some stuff~) 2021-07-04 02:13 (UTC)

[ Atem can feel all those things coming off his partner, and suddenly, he finds himself unsure what to do or say. He could go on reassuring him forever that he's not failing in his responsibilities, that it's his responsibility to himself to take care of himself and not push himself too hard. And Atem knows with complete certainty that Yugi could never hold him back.

If he no longer wishes to regain his memories, then that's his choice, and not at all because he's doing it because he believes it's what Yugi wants. He's decided that if he stays, it's because he can't bear to be separated from his partner and his friends. Regaining his memories is something he wants, but he wants to stay with them more. ]

I don't know how else to explain that I'm here because I want to be, and that whatever happens, I'll still be right here.

[ He may be unsure about some things in his life, but one thing he is absolutely sure of is this: he'll stay with Yugi for as long as he wants him to. ]

...

[ Yugi nods slowly. He knows that his other self wouldn't leave voluntarily. That doesn't mean something like destiny or some other force won't make that happen.

They had no idea that a magic like the Orichalcos even existed and could capture souls. If that exists, what else could be out there? The Millennium Rod can take over minds. Atem himself is sealed inside the confines of the Millennium Puzzle. The Millennium Ankh lets Shadi walk into their hearts and their soul rooms. What if the next thing that they run into pulls them apart for good?

He lowers his gaze long enough to watch where he drops the phone. It isn't really his phone anyways; just a version of it that their minds put together for him to see what the real phone has on it. A moment passes. Then, Yugi steps forward and wordlessly wraps his arms around the spirit that might as well be his brother. Just enough to show him that he has heard him and understands it. ]

[ He's still standing there waiting, unsure what his next moves or next words should be, but before he can do anything, Yugi's closing the distance between them and wrapping his arms around him. His eyebrows lift, but he doesn't pull back; instead, he leans in, placing his own arms around his partner.

If it's possible for comfort and reassurance to pass through a hug, then Atem means to stand there with his arms around Yugi until he eventually pulls away. He certainly won't be making the first move.

Of course, he feels that there should be more that he can do to lift Yugi's spirits, but maybe this is a step in the right direction. It might take some time, but however long it takes, Atem intends to be right by his side.

As far as he's concerned, even if all their friends move to other parts of the country, even other parts of the world, at least they'll still be together. And if someone or some thing tries to pull them apart, Atem's resolved to fight as hard as he can in order to prevent that. ]

[ He knows it's unfair to ask his other self to help him through this. Not when so much has happened to him over the course of the last few months. Part of him feels selfish in asking that Atem help him carry this until he can resolve it on his own. His partner is offering and willing, though, so it might be even more selfish not to take the offered help.

All of them will ask what's wrong. They'll all give him their reassurances too. Maybe... maybe that's not what he's looking for. Maybe it's more an acknowledgement of how much Yugi needs them. But, he can't rely entirely on them forever, can he? He needs to figure out how to be able to stand on his own to some degree. It's not fair or right to expect Atem to always pull him out of a dire situation, or for his friends to be there through every fight. At some point, he'll face something alone.

This just might be that something. ]

... I'd do it again if I had to. [ Even he's surprised at what he's saying. Even if his voice is monotone and lacking any of the warmth it normally has. ] If something tried to take you away from us -- even if you caused it -- I'd let it take me instead. No matter what it was. Even if I ended up sealed away to be devoured by a god or put inside a magical ancient item.

[ Because he'd rather something destroy him than any of his friends.

Yugi steps back and raises his head slightly. His hands are still clutched into Atem's version of the school jacket they wear. He opens his mouth to tell his other self what it was like being in the presence of that god. Except, the words never come. How can he tell him without sending him into a downward spiral again? He can't. He can't put Atem through all of that pain again. ]

[ Atem would argue that it isn't unfair at all; they're partners and they help each other out. Yugi's helped him out a lot, even when he still feels like it isn't deserved, and now it's his turn to try and help his friend. He may still be reeling from everything that's happened, but the least he can do is try to pull his focus off of himself for a little while and help his partner who seems to be going through a rough time.

And even though Atem knows that some battles have to be fought alone, that doesn't mean that he can't still stand by Yugi's side if he needs him while he faces down whatever's going on. But if it turns out that this is something they can face together, then of course he's going to stand with him. ]

I know you would, Yugi, but- [ He has to swallow down the spikes of fear that he feels at the thought of Yugi being taken away again, because of something that he did. ] I- [ He hesitates for just a moment. ] If something happened to you again, I don't know if I could-

[ He shakes his head. He will not make this about himself, not after spending so much time only thinking about himself. ]

I don't want to lose you, not again, Yugi. [ He keeps his hands on Yugi's forearms, his grip solid but not uncomfortably tight. ] Please- [ The word slips out before he's even aware of it. It isn't one he uses often, but he feels like he has to now. ]

We need you here, Yugi: all of us. [ And they do: their entire friend group almost fell apart in the immediate aftermath of Yugi's loss. Of course, Atem knows that he fell the hardest of them all, but it affected all of them.

He can't ask Yugi to let him be the one who takes the fall next time, because what kind of request is that? But he knows that he can't handle losing Yugi again, because what if it's irreversible this time? He shakes his head to drive those thoughts away. ]

If something tried to take you away from us, I would fight to keep you here.

[ Yugi listens carefully to what the other him says. He's known, but it really shows now, how traumatic the separation was for the both of them. Maybe it was the way it was done and the things that led up to it. If they were separated again, would the pair of them react the same way? It isn't a theory he wants to test. He'd rather they never be separated again if they can help it.

He forces a smile for Atem. Of course they need him. He wonders, though, if they realize how much he needs them. It might not matter in the scale of things. He has some knowledge of what happened after he was sealed away. Bits and pieces given to him by everyone involved, but, it's still not a whole picture. He may never have that and it's fine.

That 'Please' is something he'll be remembering. It isn't something he'll never be able to shake from his memory. How often does his other self ask for things? Especially like this? ]

Then, we both need to do whatever we can to keep it from happening.

[ He pauses. ]

...What about your memories, Other Me? I promised I'd help get the God Cards so we could get them back for you. That's what I have to do. Are you really alright if I don't do my duty and get them back for you?

[ Of course Atem knows what being separated from Yugi did to him, but he's just begun to realize how traumatic it was for his partner. And with that realization comes a determination to never let anything split them apart again, not if he can help it. ]

Of course I'll be all right. [ He manages a smile for Yugi as well, even if it's just a little bit forced too. ] My memories aren't nearly as important as being here for you.

[ It's then that a note of resolve sounds in his voice as he goes on. ]

I don't think I've been fair to you. You went through something incredibly difficult, perhaps even more difficult than what any of us have realized.

[ He looks at Yugi, something piercing in his eyes. ]

I haven't done my duty and been there for you. [ Well, he intends to change that now. ] What do you need, Yugi? Is there anything that I can do for you? Even if it's just you talking about anything that's on your mind while I listen, I'll do it.

They are important though. They have to be...

[ Otherwise, what has all of it been for? There's something buried inside the memories of his other self that has caused everything to happen. Why he found and completed the Puzzle, why Atem can't remember things. Why the Tomb Keepers made sure to keep the way for the Pharaoh to regain his memories alive. Why they've met Lunafreya, whose best friend and retainer, existed three thousand years ago in Egypt. All of it has to tie into something that none of them understand.

Why else would all of this happen?

It's his place to make sure Atem regains his memories. He doesn't just know it; he feels it. His role is to give the ancient Pharaoh a vessel and a way to regain that knowledge. How Yugi's emotional state can outweigh how important all that is... it doesn't quite add up in his head at the moment.

Maybe he just needs a good nights rest.

Yugi's eyebrows raise slightly at what Atem says. His duty to him? There's nothing that Atem owes him or duty the ancient spirit has to give himself. He blinks, once, then twice. He only gained the memories of what the other him would do after he started to trust him. He just... never asked why...

What he went through wasn't nearly as difficult as what the Pharaoh did. Not in his mind anyways. ]

I never asked... when I completed the Puzzle, you took over whenever I was in danger. Whenever Anzu, Joey, or Tristan were. Why? You knew you weren't really me, but, you did anyways. Was it only because I was the one that solved the Puzzle at first?

Of course they are, but are they more important than helping you?

[ Atem shakes his head, suddenly realizing that he's more sure about this than he has been about anything recently. Of course he knows that regaining his memories isn't something he can just shove aside; Yugi's right in that it's most likely been their goal all along, whether they knew it or not. What else explains the way everything's unfolded so far?

But if it's Yugi's place to make sure that he gets his memories back, then it's his place to support his partner and his friend. He's those things first, and his vessel later. That doesn't mean it isn't important, because he wouldn't be here at all if not for Yugi. But in Atem's mind, Yugi will always be his friend and partner above anything else. ]

Because, Yugi- without you and our friends, I wouldn't be where I am right now.

[ He's not entirely sure where he'd be; still locked inside the Puzzle, he supposes, wandering those never-ending hallways and staircases for the rest of eternity. ]

Helping you when you're in danger is the least that I could do for you and for our friends. [ It helps him too, of course, because Yugi's his vessel, but even then, he knows that he would always try and help Yugi and their friends because they let him into their lives and into their friendship, even though they didn't have to. ]

[ ...are they?

Yugi isn't sure. Part of him leaps at the idea of saying 'Yes.' He's the one that supports them all, brings them together, and helps them achieve what they need to do. Which must mean that finding those memories is more important than helping him sort out how to move forward with everything. The other part knows it's a question that already has an answer. Atem has made up his mind and said it several times.

They don't need to. Not yet. He doesn't want to do it yet.

He wonders how much of that is because of the last time he tried to reach out for those memories. The Orichalcos Great Leviathan bared them from being able to obtain them. Then it was one thing after another. Blow after blow. Maybe.... maybe his other self doesn't want to retrieve them yet because he's afraid of what might happen this time? They've both expressed not wanting to be separated from one another. Maybe the idea of that happening is something neither of them are ready to face yet.

Should they push each other then if that's the case?

A small frown touches his face then. Maybe it's not the fact he feels guilty that they've yet to retrieve his memories. It might be that he's sensing both of their worries and apprehensions over what might come next. It's just easier to focus on the present. How long can they go on like this?

He blinks at the answer. Almost as if it takes a moment to settle inside his heart with the other thoughts swirling around. ]

But, when I first solved the Puzzle, you didn't have to. You could of stood by... [ and let him, Joey, and Tristan continually get beaten down at every point. ] You didn't know anything about us then, right? Or were you able to tell what was happening outside the Puzzle even when it wasn't together?

[ He knows that somehow Atem helped him hastily put the Puzzle back together in that warehouse. But, that was after their bond was made. They were connected even if they couldn't talk to one another without the Puzzle being put together.

Yugi looks down. ]

You could of just done what the spirit of the Millennium Ring did. You could of just kept taking over whenever you wanted, and I never would of remembered it...

[ Atem has to stop and ponder this for a moment. He supposes that it's true, he could have simply stood by and done nothing. They weren't friends then, let alone partners, and he had no bond or obligation to them.

So why did he do it? He realizes he doesn't really have an answer to that. ]

I'm not sure why I did that. [ His expression turns pensive as he tries to sort out his scattered memories of that time right after Yugi put the Puzzle together. ] We were only strangers then, with no idea about what would happen to us in the future.

[ Perhaps he suspected then that if something happened to the one who solved the Puzzle, he might be forced back into it for another long period of waiting. ]

I could have done that, yes. [ He isn't really certain what to think about these questions or how he should answer them. All he knows is that he could have done what Yugi's suggesting, but he knows that he wouldn't have wanted to, whether or not he knew them at the time. ]

That isn't the kind of relationship I wanted to have. [ Not that he imagines he would have had much choice; as the inhabitant of Yugi's vessel, he supposes the majority of the control should reside with him. What if Yugi hadn't wanted a friendship or partnership at all? Atem wouldn't have had much say in that, if that had been the case. ]

It's hard for me to imagine just taking over whenever I wanted and ignoring your wishes and your feelings.

[ Yugi nods, thinking about those answers. He finds himself sitting down suddenly in an odd mixture of exhaustion and detachment as it all settles in his mind. He isn't sure why this is all suddenly important. They both know how the early days of the Puzzle being completed were.

Well... Yugi knows of it. Joey and Tristan shared details, but, Yugi still doesn't have memories of the very early days. He may never really have memories of those Shadow Games either. Something tells him that Atem would rather share the details of what he did. Even then? He can't see his other self doing things like the spirit of the Millennium Ring. If the people Atem punished deserved it after losing the Shadow Games...

He frowns as his eyes drop to the floor of his soul room. Why does any of it matter all of the sudden? He wasn't aware of what happened; it wasn't like being sealed away by the Orichalcos. Is he simply trying to understand what it was like for Atem before they were partners? If so, then why does he want to know?

... Was the ancient Pharaoh as lonely as he was before the Puzzle was solved? Was he just as lonely, hurting, and numb when Yugi let the Seal take him? Or, is it just Yugi himself that feels this way?

Can he even ask his other self any of this? Or is it too much? ]

It took me eight years to solve the Puzzle. [ It's a fact they all know. ] I found it in Grandpa's storage room... and he didn't think I could solve it. I wanted to show him I could.

[ And he did.

Yugi can't help how his voice still sounds monotone. ] Did... you know someone was trying to solve it?

[ Did Atem know who he even was before he solved the Puzzle? ]

[ He watches Yugi take a seat, noting the exhaustion that seems to be clinging to his partner like a shroud. He moves closer to sit next to him, because what he wants more than anything (aside from wanting to continue this conversation, wherever it may go) is to be beside him so he can continue offering his support, such as it is.

Those early days are becoming a little blurry for Atem, but he still remembers them, even if it isn't in crystal clear detail. He knows that the kindness and forgiveness he's learned from Yugi wasn't even a thought in his mind then; revenge and retribution, however, were. What he can't remember, however hard he tries, is why he was so bent on delivering punishment to people in the first place. Oh, the thought is there, but he can't quite reach out to take hold of it.

A thought arises before he can push it away, and he asks himself yet again if there's even the smallest possibility that he was an evil ruler, or at least, a harsh and unforgiving one. Perhaps that's why he was so quick to deal out judgment to those he apparently deemed deserving of it. The problem with those thoughts is that they only cause more questions to rise up, and he has no answers to those.

Whether or not Yugi's questions matter, Atem's already resolved to answer them as best as he can, in hopes that doing so helps unknot some of the tangles that he thinks are forming in his partner's mind, not to mention his heart. Lunafreya and Yugi were both there when he needed them, and they both helped loosen some of the bonds that were holding him back, preventing him from moving forward. Now, maybe it's his turn to do that for Yugi.

He can't really say with any clarity what he felt when he was inside the Puzzle waiting for it to be solved. All he remembers is walking through endless corridors and climbing staircases that went nowhere. It was a restless, aimless sort of existence, but he knew nothing else until Yugi solved the Puzzle.

What he does know is that he fell into a void of despair and guilt when he and Yugi were separated. If not for the help he received from Lunafreya and Gentiana, and even from Kaiba, he might still be in that void, or he might have even drowned in it, because he believes he lacked the ability to pull himself out on his own.

Whatever Yugi wishes to ask him, he knows he'll do his best to answer, regardless of the toll it takes on him. It's the least he can do for his friend. ]

I believe I did, somehow. I don't think I knew that's what was happening, but-

[ He briefly closes his eyes as if trying to recall those slippery memories and sensations he had during that time. They keep trying to escape him, but he still has flashes of thoughts and feelings that he assumes have something to do with Yugi's attempt to put the Puzzle together. ]

Paths that I was on, or stairs that I was trying to climb- They would just seem to stop, falling away and leaving me with a dead end. Other times, the path would lead to a door, and I could see light behind it, but the door wouldn't open no matter how many times I tried.

[ He pauses there, because he does recall what happened next, and now he realizes that event probably happened the day that Yugi finally completed the Puzzle, even if he didn't know it at the time. ]

[ Yugi lifts his gaze the moment his other self starts to speak. It makes sense even though the description of the life inside the Puzzle makes sense. Each piece of the Puzzle would have to change the way the maze worked. Which means the only version of the maze that he has seen is the one put together. Could his other self even keep track of what doors or stairways he had tried? How maddening had that become? ]

...did you ever find a way to open that door?

[ Is that the door to his true memories? Yugi knows he has seen several doors, and even Shadi found several traps himself. The entire maze seems to react to the frustration of the one who is present in it. Which, if that's true, there has to be so much more that he is unaware of when it comes to how Atem truly feels.

His eyes narrow slightly and he raises his head just a bit. ]

Is wandering around that maze really what you want to do? Is it better to do that while I'm the one in control than finding the real door to your memories?

[ Atem just nods slowly, remembering that moment and how he felt when the door finally opened. It wasn't the door to his memories, but it was the door that opened to all the adventures and misadventures that he and Yugi have happened since that time. ]

Actually, Yugi, you were the one who opened the door. The day you finished the Puzzle was the day the door opened and I was able to step outside for the first time in a long time.

[ He smiles then, an actual genuine smile, and with it, his tone of voice warms. ]

Maybe that other door will open again, and maybe it won't, but nothing can replace the time we've had together.

[ And then his expression sobers just a little as he ponders Yugi's next set of questions. ]

Well, it isn't as though I'm alone anymore, Yugi. [ Meaning that even if he did just continue wandering around the maze, it really isn't the worst fate he could have.

But then he poses a question to Yugi as well: ]

Do you ever mind having to take care of the Puzzle? [ And by extension, taking care of Atem himself. He knows that Yugi has insisted he doesn't, that his life was considerably emptier before they met, but he just needs to hear it confirmed again. ]

[ He opened the door?

Yugi moves to ask how he had until Atem continues on. His gaze moves to the door of his soul room that stands opposite of Atem's. The doors that the two so easily pass through and use. At one time they didn't even exist. It's an odd thing to remember, considering how close the two of them are. It means that the door to the soul room of his other self was only made once he solved the Puzzle... and he couldn't leave to even stand outside it at all?

A small smile appears on his face as well. He can't help it. It feels like it's been a lifetime since his other self truly smiled.

He just can't fathom how his other self handles the frustration of it all. Or... does it really not bother him now? Has the bonds and memories he's made with all of them really lessened the complicated emotions he must have about having his memories stripped from him? He is about to ask before Atem poses his own question.

Yugi looks down at the Puzzle hanging around his neck. Does he mind...?

Just as with everything else this conversation, it takes Yugi a moment to find the right way to answer. ]

I don't mind caring for the Puzzle... or for you. I don't mind the friends we've made along the way. Sometimes, the stakes feel like we can't beat them. Sometimes, it feels like the magic we encounter is too much. I know we'll win, but how we will, sometimes that...

[ He pauses again. What he minds is the idea of feeling that emptiness again. That when he looks inside, not only will those two doors be gone, but the true friend he always wanted will be gone without a trace with nothing remaining.

Everything has happened because he met Atem. Even when they decide to face the future... will he just be the way he always was? Invisible to the world; no one there as they've moved on paths he can't keep up on?

Maybe--maybe what they need to talk about is what they're going to do now. Not about memories, or destiny, or how magic circles everything they do. Neither of them are sure they want to duel competitively. They've talked about keeping up the shop after graduation. Yugi has convinced himself any avenue with Anzu in anything more than friendship is closed. He feels as if Atem loves someone dearly, even the spirit has never said it out loud.

It's a starting point at least. ]

Other Me. [ He looks back to his partner. ] Do you love Luna?

[ He knows the question will seem out of nowhere. His other self may not even want to answer it. Yugi feels he needs to know the answer. If Atem is going to stay with him, and he loves someone, then they need to figure out how make it all work. He already knows the spirit will insist that nothing he needs or wants should interfere... but that's not an answer he's going to settle for anymore. ]

Don't pretend you do or don't just for my sake. Tell me.

[ Well, by that same token, it seems to Atem that there's a trade-off to it as well. He would rather be as he is now, without his memories, and have the friendships that he does than to regain the memories he's lost and be alone again. What if everything changed if he got his memories back? Would he and Yugi be able to relate to each other the same way? What about their other friends?

He's realizing that he doesn't want anything to change, even if change is still a vital part of living. So in that regard, any frustration he might feel about not knowing who he is fades into the background when he thinks about what he might stand to lose in exchange for regaining his memories.

He doesn't want to feel that emptiness again either, nor does he want to go back to staring at that closed door that won't open no matter how hard he tries. ]

Sometimes it feels like it's impossible?

[ He's not sure if that's how Yugi intended to finish his question, but it's a thought that Atem can relate to. They have faced a lot of impossible odds since they met, and although they've managed to come out on top more often than not, that doesn't change the fact that they've both known what it's like to feel like everything's impossible, even insurmountable.

He knows he doesn't want to even think about what might happen to the two of them, whenever they finally make the decision to face their future. Just as Yugi doesn't want to go back to being invisible and alone, neither does Atem want that, for either of them.

He's about to say something else, but Yugi gets there first. The question that he asks takes Atem by surprise, and he accidentally stammers a little, because that's not what he thought Yugi was going to say. ]

I- Well... [ Yes is the answer that's on his tongue. But admitting that means opening them both up to a whole host of other complications, and the last thing he wants is to inconvenience Yugi at all.

Suddenly, there's a swirl of complicated emotions rising up inside him as he tries to just admit what he really feels for Lunafreya. He knows he loves her, but along with that realization comes doubts and the thought that he isn't (and couldn't ever be) enough for her.

She has more power and ability than he thinks he could ever hope to have, even though he has no memories to back that up. What could even come close to her ability to heal and to reach out to those on the spiritual plane? Of course he knows her thoughts and feelings concerning him, because she's laid them out for him more than once, but his doubts have very strong roots. His shoulders drop a little as he thinks about all of this, but even in the midst of all that, he knows his answer hasn't changed. It's just dealing with his own doubts about whether or not he's worthy of her.

But Yugi's still waiting for an answer, so he finally says: ]

Yes, I- [ He has to pause again, but this time, he just pushes on. ] I do.

[ Yugi nods slightly. ]

I know we're going to win... even I though I have no idea how we're going to. A few years ago? I would have thought all of this was impossible. Most people didn't even know I existed. Now... the both of us are the Duel King and everyone knows. People know you're still here.

[ The Tomb Keepers, Dartz. Who else knows the Pharaoh from three thousand years is still in their world? Yugi doesn't mind the fight. He'll keep doing what he needs to to protect his partner, his brother, his best friend. There's no question in his mind. In a way? Fighting those off is easier than trying to figure out what to do in the near future. Somehow the unknown isn't nearly as frightening than the known.

Yugi keeps his eyes on Atem as he struggles to answer. Of course, he already knows the answer. It's so obvious to Yugi that the two care deeply for one another. Lunafreya is one of the few people that not only know about the two spirits in one body, but actively tries to engage both in the moment. Yugi never feels as if he's being excluded or left out of conversations when the three of them are there. It's a unique situation, and he can't help but think that it has made his other self more endeared to her.

In an odd way? Yugi realizes that they need to address it. Atem said it himself. Lunafreya may leave to perform her duties, but she'll be back. She is someone who has already established who and what she is in her life. The rest of them are still trying to understand it as graduation dawns closer. If she's going to be a consistent presence in their lives...

He gives a small smile as if to say 'Ha, I knew it.' ]

... then we need to agree on some things. [ He nods yet again. His position is clear on it, but, Atem never has never agreed really on it. ] Because, if we're going to continue to work together even after everyone else leaves...

Of course. [ He says that as if there's rarely any moments of doubt that they'll come out on top. Of course, there's been several; he wouldn't lie about that. But in general, they always work in sync, and their prowess with dueling is such that they usually don't have to worry. Still, he can't even think something like that and not remember how he lost his confidence in himself and made reckless and desperate moves that he'd never do normally.

Dartz was a different kind of threat that made him feel like his back was to the wall and that he had no choice but to resort to more cutthroat tactics. ]

Well, now there's no doubt in anyone's mind that you're capable of handling yourself in a duel. [ And as far as Atem is concerned, nearly everyone knows now what kind of duelist Yugi is: the kind that's upright and good and tries to have the best duel possible, for both himself and his opponent.

But there's a thought that Atem hasn't considered until now. What if the threats keep coming because people know that he's present in this world? In that case, maybe he shouldn't be so quick to say he doesn't want to duel competitively anymore. Threats may very well continue to arise, and if they do, he has to protect Yugi too.

If he ever loses him again, the way that he nearly did to Dartz and Leviathan, he believes he might not be able to recover again.

As for his feelings for Lunafreya, of course he knows what they are, but he also knows that there's complications to them too. He understands that she'll need to occasionally leave to see to her Oracle duties, and that is all right with him.

What is less clear is how he can even think of pursuing a relationship with her while still respecting Yugi's needs and goals and what he wants to do with his life. It hardly seems fair that he should seek to advance this relationship with Lunafreya, when doing so might put Yugi in a position of not being able to do the same, whether if it's with a relationship with Anzu or someone else.

So that's the main reason behind his hesitation, and why he's avoided agreeing on anything one way or another. ]

What kind of things? [ He's stalling, and he knows it, but this is a conversation he's not sure he's ready to have. But it seems as though it can't be avoided. ]

Duels are one thing, Other Me. [ Everything else...? Well...

Yugi will still stand by the fact that Atem is the better duelist. Yugi doesn't sell himself short in terms of strategy or knowing the game -- or any game. It's the confidence and air of being a commander that he lacks. All of that obviously comes from the fact that Atem is a Pharaoh and would command an entire kingdom. Something like that never goes away.

What about their situation isn't complicated? At first, he had no idea Atem existed. Then, he thought the spirit was another form of himself. Then, no, is the spirit of a Pharaoh that lived three thousand years ago. They are two souls that share one body through a mystical item and have fought Gods and Men with sinister intentions. They've fought against people who have been broken by magic. Everything is complicated, but, why make this situation even more so?

He turns so he can properly face Atem. Even if he's slumped over, shoulders hunched, and looks to be exhausted? This is a conversation he'd rather look him eye-to-eye for. ]

I know you have some of my memories and know how I feel... but I really haven't explained everything. I've just been hoping that context can fill in the blanks. [ Yugi glances down. ] High school is three years long, and graduation marks when you've completed your education. After that, you step into adulthood. People go their own separate ways and get involved in their new lives... and people tend to change.

[ He drapes his arms in his lap and sighs. ] We both know everyone has something they want to do that will take them far away - except us. We've talked about staying at the game shop, and running it with Grandpa since... [ It's rather obvious that his grandfather can't keep the shop going forever. ] You said it yourself. Luna is going to go away but keep coming back. You love each other... and so if we're going to keep being partners after all of this...

[ Yugi leans forward just a bit. ] We need to talk about how to handle that. You already know where I stand on the matter, Other Me. If you're going to be here, then you have every right to live along side us. That means if you want to spend time by yourself in control, or time with Luna? That's alright, and I don't mind. I think you should.

I know Luna wants to spend time with you too. Neither of you will ask, even though I'm okay with it. That can't be how it goes after I graduate.

Yes, they are. [ He agrees, but his tone is uncertain, as if he's still unsure of where Yugi is going with this. He's doing his best to understand and to listen, because he needs to know how his friend and partner, and what's more, his brother feels.

He waits for Yugi to do or say something more, knowing that his responsibility here is to be patient and understanding, while he works out his thoughts and what he wants to say. It's not a time for speaking, and the last thing he wants to do is talk over Yugi in any way.

When it's clear that Yugi's taken a moment to pause, only then does he begin to form a reply. ]

So a chapter in your life is ending and a new one is starting, is that right? And- You're unsure how everything will look when our friends have gone on their way and it's just us remaining here.

[ It will be different, that's for sure. He wonders if part of the issue is that Yugi will be lonely without his friends. If that's the case, then he resolves right then and there to do his best to be even more available and even more supportive than he's tried to do this whole time. Perhaps that's another problem: could it be that he hasn't done enough, and that's why Yugi's so afraid of what's to come? If so, then that only strengthens Atem's resolve, driving away any lingering questions that he might still have. ]

I do know your thoughts on this matter, Yugi, and they're very kind, really.

[ It's just that he feels that anything more than he's already done will be infringing on Yugi's life, and at the end of the day, that's what it is: Yugi's life.

He had his chance to live, whether he remembers the details of his life or not, so in that sense, he can't see how it's his place to do as Yugi says and to live alongside him and others. Will this be something they'll never agree on? He's not sure of that either. ]

I suppose that we'll just have to compromise on this. [ Because while he can see it from Yugi's perspective, he still disagrees. ] It seems as though you've made up your mind, and I know I won't be able to convince you otherwise.

[ So it seems he has little choice but to agree. And, of course, a part of him wants what Yugi's proposing: not the part about being alone, but the one about spending time with Lunafreya. It's just ignoring that voice in his head that's telling him he's being selfish by even considering it. ]

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pfft I never got a notif for this

beep beep time to make yourself headcanon!

all aboard the headcanon train

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