synthneon | oceanview (different path) || ❝ lost in mist for days and days, now you see the sunny seas. ❞

Once, but that was then. That's not now. You wouldn't do that now.

[ His expression falls gradually until he's looking down again. He's not trying to go out of his way to be ungrateful; he knows (somehow, since the Dark Presence keeps screwing with his memories) that Jesse's done everything he's ever asked him to, but he still has doubts and worries, and he can't seem to keep a lid on them. ]

What if it's not our choice? What if it's decided for us? What if I... What if I can't do anything?

[ Those last times, Alan made the choice. He did the deciding, but something tells him that he may not always have that kind of control. Maybe choices will be made for him, things decided for him.

What if they don't get to choose how things go? ]

What if it doesn't let you choose?

[ Slowly, almost reluctantly, he lifts his eyes again to look at what's on the clipboard. ]

You've read them too, haven't you? What do you think about them? [ If she wants to help, maybe she can give input. Or maybe she can't, and Alan's just barking up the wrong tree. ]

Edited 2024-09-29 23:04 (UTC)

No. [ She immediate cuts into his questions. Stern. In control. Not much like the young woman he knew who was paranoid and unsure to state her opinion and decisions. ] There is always a choice. Even if that choice is to do nothing and let it fold out or to change it and fight the story. Those are still choices, Alan.

You're not powerless and unable to decide if you're going to fight or let it sink you down.

[ She is the Director of the Federal Bureau of Control. That shows more now than anything. Even a familiar shimmer is around if Alan can still see the guiding star. ]

I had to read them. [ Her head tilts. ] You didn't write them. I mean, the parts typed out on a typewriter. The handwritten ones is your storytelling. I know how you write. [ A gesture is made to the manuscript. ] They look like the ones "Departure" was written on.

Okay, so say that you're right. Say that there's always a choice, that what I do still matters. What if I fight the story and it still has the upper hand?

[ He feels powerless to do much of anything, in spite of what Jesse might say or would have him believe. ]

What if I decide to fight and it fights back? It's going to fight back, and I don't know if I can do anything to stop it.

[ He can't seem to stop doubting himself, and he knows that's going to be a problem. He can't fight the story if he doesn't believe that he can do it. ]

Okay. You read the story, that's good. And- And I think I'm remembering a little more now, so that's good too, isn't it? The handwritten parts... that's me fighting the story. Trying to change it, because I wouldn't write this. The story that I'd write wouldn't be like this at all. Yes, that's right.

I was trying to write it how I'd do it, but since it's already written, I had to go along with it, only changing bits and pieces of it.

... That's still what I have to do, isn't it? [ He knows the answer, but he needs to ask for confirmation too. ]

[ The stern look on her face continues to narrow as he speaks. He doesn't sound like himself. Alan had doubts, worries, concerns. He never gave up. What he's saying sounds more like someone who is simply waiting to be told to either keep up the fight or to just stop and roll over. Both cause a bristle to go up her spine.

« No, no. NO. This isn't Alan--this is what the story is making him to be. This is what it's making him see and feel and even believe. He's trapped in it just as much as we are. » ]

It doesn't matter if it has the upper hand. We fight it. We make it change. I didn't have the upper hand when I first found the Buearu. We didn't have it the first time in 2010.

[ She points to the paper in his hands. ]

We follow it to the ending. The ending isn't written, is it? We change it if the Dark Presence has then. What do you need to change it?

[ He sees the look on her face and hears the almost snappish tone in her voice, and part of him wants to snap to attention and snap out of this despondent mood, but the Dark Presence doesn't want that. It wants him to stay there; it wants him to think all of this is pointless, that he should just stop.

I don't WANT to stop. If I stop, I don't get to come home. If I stop, none of this ends. That's what she's saying. That's what I know.

Still, Alan's shoulders remain lowered and he knows he still looks like someone who's been defeated. ]

How do we do that? The only way I know how to fight it is with the story, and that's not really fighting it, is it? It's not something we can find and punch or shoot.

What do I need to change it? Just... the pages. The manuscript. I just have to edit them and write out an ending that works. It sounds easy when you say it that way.

We can fight the things taken by it while you change the ending. [ Jesse shakes her head. ] I can fight against it. I have before with Hartman. I know what it's weak to and what it would do to things around us. It... might be hard if the power goes out, but, we can manage.

[ « With you, me, and the Service Weapon. » ]

I'm guessing it's not as easy as just grabbing a pen and getting to work.

[ « Because it never was... why would it be now? »

It's not hard to see the last thirteen years have left a mark on Alan. His confidence seems utterly gone. It's easier to see he's afraid. Things seem harder for him to remember... and none of that begins to touch the obvious of how he doesn't remember her or Polaris. Not that those two matter the most in the end now that she's Director. The AWE and people come first.

« No, that's not true. It matters to me... us. We just come secondary. Maybe we don't even place at all now. » ]

Edited 2024-10-06 16:16 (UTC)

How can you sound so confident? When you say it like that, it sounds so easy. [ This has to be because of what's in the story, but is it what I wrote or what Scratch wrote? I guess I have no way of knowing that, unless it's on a page somewhere. ] You might be able to fight it, but it might be able to kill you instead, and I couldn't- I won't let that happen.

[ Alan feels his hands curling as his fears start to rise, but he tries to push them back down again. Now isn't the time for him to panic, not when there's things he wants to say to Jesse. Not when he just wants to be with Jesse. ]

In a way, it's actually really simple. Start writing, making edits, changing what's been written... but it can't be too simple. It still has to fit with what's already there. If it doesn't, the story doesn't work anymore. It has to be exactly right.

[ And that, more than anything, is what causes Alan the most worry, the most stress. What if he can't get it exactly right? What if he does, and people end up hurt or killed because of him? He's doing his best to do damage control, but there's only so much that he can do.

A part of him wonders if he can really do this at all. ]

What happens if I can't figure it out? [ He knows what happens; he's not even sure why he's asking. Maybe he's asking in hopes that Jesse can reassure him somehow. Maybe she can stop the panic that's threatening to seize him before it gets too bad.

... All he seems to have is a bunch of maybes. ]

Because this is what I do. I go up against paranormal entities. This isn't the first time I've gone up against the Dark Presence. The third time, if you want to count Hartman. [ Jesse shakes her head at him. ] There's always a risk.

[ She can't tell if he genuinely doubts her or if the story is making him act that way.

« What's worse? The fact he might doubt me... or the fact that I can't tell if he's changed or if it's the story? »

Her eyea drop once more to the manuscript in his hands. He has to get it just right. So, the problem he has had the last thirteen years. Getting the story right to come home.

« Except now the Dark Presence wrote another story using him. Just like "Departure." »

Her eyes dart back up to him in a pointed way. He already knows what happens if he can't fix the story. Whatever ending is already there becomes real. The Dark Presence gets out. Saying all of that feels just as pointless as hoping he's going to remember what they hope he does.

« Did he really come back home from the night? » ]

Then, the Bureau stops it our way. I'd rather we do it the way you know. You've done it before. We just... need to keep going.

It's what you do, but what happens if you get killed? What happens if you go against the Dark Presence again and it finds a way to stop you for good?

[ It'll be my fault, that's what happens. I can't let her put herself in so much danger. ]

That's why I have to find the right ending now, before you or anyone else gets hurt.

[ He just has to stop being afraid and stop doubting himself and get to work. The story won't fix itself, and it's not being fixed while he's busy being scared of it and the darkness. ]

Okay... Keep going. Figure out the ending, write it down. I can do this.

[ He's already trying to think of what he can write that might satisfy the Dark Presence while also letting him come home. It's intricate because he feels it has to be, but it's not so complicated that he can't see the main plot points. ]

What if I wrote something to lure it out? Bait it out into the open so that you and your Bureau can stop it?

That's a risk. Someone has to take it. Should I just feed my agents to it like canon fodder? No. And you wouldn't either.

[ She feels as if this is more Alan venting out his stress and worry rather than a conversation. Some back and forth in his own mind if he should willingly pull her along.

« Well, too late for that. He gave me a time and date. I'm here now. We both are. You wouldn't mind round 2. Would you? »

Polaris shimmers.

« I thought you wouldn't. » ]

And what sort of bait would that be? How would it look?

But why does that someone have to be you? I'm the one who caused all this, the one who made all this start happening.

[ Something tells him she'll reject this out of hand, but right now, he can't see any other options. He won't put more people in harm's way. He can put himself in harm's way, because he sees it as something deserved and the natural consequence of everything that's happened. ]

What sort of bait?

[ His expression seems to darken briefly before he points to himself by way of an answer. ]

Make me the bait to lure it out, and then we can stop it. Trap it. Destroy it. Whatever we have to do to stop this for good.

Because I'm the Director. [ Her tone is sharp but flat. Punctual and factual. ] I'm me. With Polaris. The best you have your arsenal and you know it.

[ « It's not as if he can remember anything else. »

A bitter thought but it's how she truly feels. Hurt and bitter. The Dark Place is refusing to return him to her.

« This is MY fight. »

She frowns at the suggestion. ]

You want me to put you on a stick and dangle you?

Yeah, you're the Director, and you're good at it. You're a damn good Director, and me, well, I'm just a guy who's trying to fix the problems he caused. I don't think I'm doing that well at all, but maybe...

Maybe dangling me on a stick is what we need. Maybe it's what needs to happen to force the Dark Presence to get cocky. Does a dark entity get cocky? I don't know, but maybe it's like me: maybe it gets overconfident, thinks it's winning. Maybe it thinks it can take over everything just by snapping its fingers.

[ Alan's expression turns serious. Thoughtful. Maybe even a little reflective. ]

I used to think I was on top of the world, before- before things knocked me back down and made me realize I wasn't. Maybe it's the same with the Dark Presence.

[ He shakes his head. ]

You probably think this sounds insane.

oceanview (different path) || ❝ lost in mist for days and days, now you see the sunny seas. ❞

OCEANVIEW :: INTO THE DARK

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