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synthneon2024-04-13 08:24 pm
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2024-04-13 08:24 pm
oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞
There ain't no bargaining
No giving in without a fight
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[ A smile is given, but, she would rather neither of them have to wait for one another. Not that it's entirely realistic. She knows that. There will always be an element of waiting for anything when it comes to their relationship. Either because of the paths their lives have put them on...
« Or, maybe, it's just apart of being a parautalitarian. »
Her expression deflates. She highly doubts Alice would care for her beyond Alan. Why would she? She was there to save Alan, her husband. Her lover. The man that helped her art come alive. ]
Rings... rings sound good. Nice. Once you feel more comfortable leaving the apartment.
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[ He wonders what that involves. Does the Bureau have some machine or other device that can set off a parautilitarian's abilities? If it's in a controlled environment, it would be safe, wouldn't it? ]
I guess that makes sense. Why would anyone put me in the field when you don't really know how I'd react? I- Well, I guess I didn't react that well in Bright Falls. Estevez didn't seem that impressed with me when we first met, but I thought she warmed up a little.
[ He notes the way her expression deflates as he keeps talking about Alice, and that's when he decides it's best to drop the subject. ]
I want to try again. I have to get used to it, and I'm not going to do that if I just never go out. [ Those notes of resolve that Jesse seems to like sound in Alan's voice, and this time, they stay there. ] The next time that you're free, we should go somewhere. Maybe while you're at work, I'll look into my financials.
[ It's not something Alan really wants to do, but he does need to make sure everything's in order. Most of it should already be that way, but he figures there's no harm in double-checking. The last thing he wants is to be at the store purchasing rings only to find out there's a problem with his accounts. ]
We can go shopping, get something to eat, window shop... [ He glances to one side but he can't quite see the calendar from where they are. ] What day is it again?
[ He's still getting used to keeping track of the days again. That wasn't something he even thought about in the Dark Place. Even the scratches on the wall trick wouldn't have done him much good without a way of knowing when one day ended and the next began. ]
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[ « Most of the Buearu will wonder about a connection point to the Dark Place. Or, if something of the Dark Presence is still inside him. I'm more worried about the LIVING aspect. How he's still struggling to eat, or sleep through the night. The day to day part. I already know he's still not possessed. You make sure of that. »
Polaris shifts around her in agreement. ]
You were in the middle of an AWE that was created by a hostile force to yourself, Alan. Once the Dark Prsence left? Estevez said you were pretty level headed and focused. Which, you were.
[ Not that she plans on ever really talking about having to say goodbye to him at the Cauldron Lake Campgrounds. They both lived through it. He already knows she hated it and had to let him go. If he picked up on her subtle words of using "let go" instead of "left behind" is something else. ]
It's Thursday.
[ « Christmas is in a few weeks. I won't mention that. »
Thanksgiving had been trying to keep him stable and grounded. She never brought up the fact it was the holiday. Though, the stores should be decorating now. Alan just may not have noticed with how focused he had been on just getting through the day. Snow is in the forecast. ]
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[ I'm not beyond help. I have to keep telling myself that. Yes, they can help. They'll help, and I'll get better. I have to get better.
... They won't lock me away, right? She said they wouldn't. I don't remember when she said that, but I know she did.
He shakes his head once to try and dislodge the thoughts trying to creep up and unnerve him once more. He's trying to do his best to manage himself and get through the day, but sometimes it feels like all he's doing is putting on a brave face for Jesse and whoever else might be looking. But maybe soon, the act of putting on a brave face will turn into reality. Too bad he can't write that down and make it become real. ]
I never understood why you or Estevez or Steve or anyone else never... Why you didn't do what everyone else did. Is it because you've dealt with AWEs before?
[ He pauses, trying to make sense of his own thoughts so that he can better put them into words. ]
You didn't blame me for the story, or for how horrific it became. [ In between his moments of wrestling with the effects of his time in the Dark Place, Alan has had time to think a little about this. ] You didn't see manuscript pages with my name on them and blame me for writing them. I know you knew it wasn't my writing, but how did the others know? Did Estevez suspect me at first?
Thursday. [ He nods, filing that information away and trying to commit it to memory so that he can actually start to track the passage of time again.
If he looked out the window, he'd note how it's becoming cloudy outside, but actually getting a good look would mean moving away from Jesse, and he's not interested in doing that. ]
... What month is it? [ He dimly remembers seeing decorations in the coffee shop they went to, and in the store they visited, and... were there decorations on the street lights?
He didn't look closely at any of them, so he can't picture them in his mind, but he remembers seeing something. ]
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[ A frown faintly tugs at the corners of her mouth. She knows when he shakes his head there is something negative going through his mind. Other than just knowing Alan, Jesse wears a similar look on her face when something crosses past her or Polaris. Obviously, she can't stop the thoughts that roam in Alan's mind. She just wishes there was a way to dispel them for good.
« Having doubts and thoughts like that is human. I wonder if he sees it that way. It proves the Dark Place didn't change him entirely. » ]
That, and, the nature of the AWE. I remembered a decent amount, [ « Thanks to you, I'm sure. » ] so that changed how I handled it. Steve may have remembered. He's never said... and probably won't. I'm sure Kiran did what she needed to in order to make sure everything ended.
[ Jesse sighs then, looking at the ceiling. ]
I guess I'll need to make a trip to Bright Falls after all.
[ « So much for never going back. » ]
The start of December. I'll have to take the trip after the New Year.
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[ He looks like he wants to say he doesn't think he's really important to anyone who isn't her, but he stops himself from saying it out loud. All it would do is upset her, and he knows he's done that enough.
As for his thoughts, he's still trying to figure out how to navigate those and deal with them when they start taking darker turns, which they do a lot. He hasn't quite reached the point of realizing that everyone has doubts and thoughts that aren't exactly helpful, that thoughts like those make him human.
Maybe it's just one more thing that will take time to really settle in. ]
I wish- I know it doesn't matter now, but looking back on all of it, I wish that I remembered more. I know I couldn't remember more, because the story didn't work like that, but- not remembering hurt you.
You, Steve and Estevez handled everything like pros. [ I'm the one who couldn't handle myself.
He doesn't respond to her next words right away, simply moving a little closer, closing what little space remains between them and nudging the side of her leg with his.
Going back to Bright Falls is something he thought about doing once. Maybe he and Jesse could properly experience Deerfest. Maybe they could actually visit Coffee World. He knows the one place he doesn't want to see again, and that's Cauldron Lake.
Even if the threshold is closed, he really doesn't want to risk anything by going there. And aside from the nonsense of thresholds, he just has no interest in ever seeing it again. It could be the nicest lake in the world and he'd still find it difficult to look at. ]
It's December, and that means... [ His eyebrows crease in thought. ] It'll be Christmas soon. [ I guess I missed Thanksgiving. Huh. ]
I'd ask if I could go with you, but I think we both know the answer to that.
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Maybe I won't laugh this time.
[ Jesse inhales deeply before exhaling with her eyes moving to the ceiling. ]
The story was a monster. Right? It was designed to hurt people--to take over them. It only managed to hurt me. I'll take that. Besides, we won in the end. You're home.
[ A squeeze of his hand. ] We are pros. If we didn't handle it that way? We'd have problems. [ Then, a nod. ] Yeah. Christmas.
[ « Not that I was going to bring it up or even mention it. » ]
You wouldn't really want to head back to Cauldron Lake. And... it's dangerous. Who knows what the Dark Presence would do if it sensed you.
[ Not that her going is really any safer. She imagines Polaris could set the Dark Presence off. She, though, could fight it off. Could Alan do another round against it? ]
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It's okay if you do. I don't mind. I know I'm-
[ He shrugs as best as he can without accidentally hitting her with his shoulder, given how close they are to each other. ]
I know it was, and it was meant to hurt people, but I think I should have done more. Tried more things. I know that it dragged people in who didn't ever ask for any of it, but sometimes I wonder if I could have written something to take them out of the story again. I'll never be over the story hurting you.
[ They're already so close to each other on the bed, but he can't stop himself from scooting in just a little more. ]
We did it. We beat the story and the Dark Presence, and we're together. That's what matters. And I wouldn't be here at all if not for all of you. Especially you, but Steve and Estevez helped. I had so many people helping me, and I still don't think I deserved it.
[ He doesn't let go of her hand, but he curls his fingers against hers and slowly rubs them against hers too. ]
We need to do something for Christmas. Maybe a nice dinner, and shopping. I want to get you something.
[ As the conversation turns to talk about Cauldron Lake, Alan feels something like a chill settle onto his shoulders. ]
It's dangerous for you too, isn't it? The Dark Presence can probably sense you just as easily as it can sense me. [ And that worries him a lot more than being dragged back in by the Dark Presence does. ]
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I don't think you could have done more. You did all that you could. It's easier to look back at hindsight... but actually think about the state you were in. How much the Dark Presence took away from you. What. Would you actually do while being that compromised? You did all you could. Reached out to those who could do what you couldn't. Maybe that isn't a superhero... but, I'm pretty sure people would say that's wise.
[ He brushes up against her once more. She doesn't look back at him again, eyes trained on the ceiling above them. Instead, she leans towards him. Puts her head on his shoulder. ]
You want to do something for Christmas? For some reason, you never struck me as the type who went all out for the holidays.
[ « Maybe because I never really bothered to think of how Alan would handle domestic things. I just figured he'd be like most people in New York. » ]
Yeah. But, I'm not a creative person. I don't make art. And, as long as the threshold is inactive, it should be alright. I need to touch base with Estevez and investigate the Lake House more.
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I don't know. I mean, I know, but there's still that part of me that feels like I wasn't helpful at all. What I did sometimes made things worse; I'm the reason a lot of this happened, if not all of it. The loops kept happening because of me, didn't I? And wasn't the darkness a threat because of me? [ He doesn't remember the events in their entirety, but it feels like he's one of the reasons the Dark Presence became the threat that it did.
Her words continue to wash over him, and a feeling of a strange kind of helplessness sweeps over him too. What can he say? She's right, even if part of him still protests and blames himself for all of it. ]
Maybe there's no point in going over all this again. Maybe we don't need to go over it ever again. It's over, right?
[ He lets out an exhale. ] Christmas. Yeah. Maybe I never did before, but- I kind of want to now. With you.
[ He shifts on the bed because he really doesn't like the idea of her going back to Cauldron Lake alone. ]
I know you can handle yourself, but "it should be alright" isn't all that reassuring. [ What if she doesn't come back? ]
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« I guess it's time to tell him. Well, tell him again. I doubt he remembers from all those loops. » ]
How Ordinary went was my fault. [ She pauses only long enough for it to settle in, then, she continues. ] I led the Bureau to the Slide Projector. They took it, and because of it, they found Hedron. They even found the Hiss. The entire invasion with the Hiss... Dylan... that was all my fault. Even if their choices were their own? I helped set the situation up to happen. There wasn't more I could do because they were the adults that was supposed to help.
[ A sigh. ] Sometimes you do all you can and that's not enough because of other people. Other forces.
You don't remember if you did? [ A glance at him. Surely, he and Alice had to have done things together for the holidays. If not Christmas? Then New Years. ] I've just spent the holiday with Dylan.
[ « Which, he'll be able to figure out how that has gone. » ]
I don't want to promise something unrealistic. [ Her tone drops to those familiar quiet tones that he knows. ] If I promise more and then something happens... I'm no better than a liar.
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He remembers her telling him about Ordinary before, but a lot of the specifics of her tales were lost to the loops. All he knows is that Ordinary is where everything started for her, so he simply goes quiet and listens as she talks. ]
You set it up to happen, but then you fought to fix it. [ He's not sure if that's something he remembers or if it's just something he's certain she would do, given her tendency to throw herself at problems until they've been dealt with. ] You fought to get your brother back and you fought the Hiss.
[ He goes quiet again as he tries to digest the lesson she's trying to tell him. ]
That's going to be hard for me to accept, but- well, it's one of those things where you don't have a choice, right? I can't go back and change what happened any more than you can. [ He offers her a small smile. ] I think you're the wise one, Jesse.
[ She's already learned lessons that Alan's still trying to figure out. ]
Not clearly, anyway. I'm sure we celebrated together, but- I can't remember it. [ If he and Alice had any Christmas traditions, the memories of them are buried, but hopefully not lost for good. If they are, though, he can make new memories with Jesse. He wants to make new memories and traditions with her. ]
I want to meet Dylan properly one of these days.
[ Her tone drops, and Alan's expression drops as well. ] I know. [ I'm just scared that she won't come back. ] I know you can handle it; you handled the loops and the Taken and even Scratch. You'll be fine.
[ He makes himself inject as much confidence in that as he can, trying to not think about how the loops reset if something bad happened. Now, if something bad happens to Jesse, there's no resetting it. No undoing what's been done.
That's what scares him the most: losing Jesse forever. ]
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Just like "Return" was yours, and you fixed it. You had Saga to help you... and I had Polaris. [ She shakes her head. ] Wise? No. Just learned the hard way.
[ She lets a low sigh out. ] It'll come back to you eventually. Things like that are too important to forget forever.
Maybe you will. If he wakes up.
[ A gentle squeeze of his hand. Jesse understands what he means without saying it. He's worried she may not come home one day. Just like he left Alice behind. Maybe he hasn't made the same connection, but, it's obvious in her mind. Maybe she defines too many things by the relationship Alan had with his wife. How can she do anything other than that? He was married.
She's never had a functional relationship. ]
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I think... I still think what I did was more guessing at what I needed to do than actually figuring things out. That's probably why you and Saga and I don't even know how many people were so frustrated with me. That, and I guess I was actually the one causing all the problems.
[ When I thought that "Return" was changed because of Scratch, was it actually changed because of me? Maybe people were right to blame me. ]
Maybe it'll come back and maybe it won't. Maybe I just have to make new memories now. He's going to wake up. I'm sure he will.
[ She squeezes his hand and he has to force himself to try and relax, not letting his fears about what could happen to get bog him down. But the truth is, he's terrified of losing her. Terrified that she'll leave for work and not come home.
He'd sacrifice anything to get her back, just like he did before, but he'd rather them not have to get to the point where sacrifices are necessary from either of them. ]
I love you. I know you know it, but I just wanted to say it. Again.
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You had a resonance, didn't you? The Bright Presence?
[ Jesse falls quiet.
Then, she moves. One leg over him and she swings her body momentum. She lays down on top of him, head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. It's not unusual she moves for rest on top of him. However, if she does, then usually it leads to things she speaks about that leave her more vulnerable then she likes.
He went to sleep and when he woke up he was making breakfast. Eating. Like normal... ]
You went somewhere last night. Didn't you? You were here but you also went somewhere else.
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[ Sometimes Alan thinks he feels something or someone standing behind him when he writes; sometimes it feels like there's a hand on his shoulder or a breath against his neck. Other times, he thinks he catches a glimpse of something reflected in a mirror or a picture on the wall. ]
The Bright Presence... Yeah, I met him- man, it feels like it was so long ago. I remember thinking it was weird to see someone in a diving suit when we weren't underwater. Maybe that was just a strange kind of foreshadowing. I wonder what happened to him. I think I heard from him once, but it wasn't for very long. I think I was too deep for him to really reach me.
[ He goes quiet too for a moment, stilling as she moves and lays down on top of him, resting against him. It doesn't bother him; in fact, he likes it. He likes having her this close.
With her on top of him, he has easier access to her hair, which he starts to touch and stroke as she continues talking. ]
So, you knew... Or Polaris told you. [ His expression shifts briefly to a faraway look, but he's still there with her: no more drifting away or drowning. ]
I was somewhere else. Bright Falls, I think. I don't really understand how it all happened, and I thought it was only a dream at first, but dreams don't work the way this one worked.
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[ Jesse shakes her head. She doesn't know all the details, and really? She doesn't want to know all the details. That's Trench's life and not her own. He shared some over the Hotline. Those are more than enough for her.
Her gaze drifts to the side. ]
I could just tell.
[ « It was like looking at someone and knowing they weren't really there. Even if he was a sleep. It wasn't the same sort of feeling when he spiraled out. More like when your attention drifts really far away in thought. »
She squeezes him gently. ]
What happened in Bright Falls?
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[ He huffs out a dry laugh. ] "When things get out and damage that normal life". [ He thinks he knows what she means, but he still can't stop himself from thinking that he got out and damaged people's normal lives. That's why he thought he should be locked up or put down or hell, even kept in the Dark Place forever, as much as he didn't want that for himself. ]
Sorry. I- well, I didn't plan on anything happening. I still don't know if this counts as "something" happening, but it felt real.
[ He shifts when she squeezes him, but not out of discomfort. Her touch has always comforted him, even when he was too strung out to really know that. ]
I was- well, I was me, but a me who denied that anything out of the ordinary ever existed. I was still Alan Wake, but I was also successful. I mean really successful.
[ His mouth twists to one side; he still remembers how he dreamed about being a great writer, compared to the other great writers who had come before him. He wanted to write great novels, thought-provoking ones, ones that told stories that really made people think.
... Look at where that got him. ]
I just refused to believe that the Dark Presence was real. Anything that couldn't be explained couldn't be real. And- and you were there too, but your name was Beth. You still worked with the Bureau.
[ His lips turn down into a frown. ] Beth and Alan- that other Alan, they were having problems, just like Alice and I were. He wasn't even sleeping in the same room as her.
[ For some reason, that still really bothers him. ]
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[ « Besides Alan. » ]
Scratch wasn't the same as if an Altered Item got out. [ Jesse nudges him gently with her knee. ] He was a paranormal entity trying to drastically shape reality to what he wanted. That's different than the Duck getting out of containment.
[ « Both have consequences. They're just different and on a scale. Scratch getting out was MUCH worse than the Duck. Not that the Duck getting out was good either. »
She glances up at him before looking at the bed underneath them. A famous writer. Well, he's famous, but maybe not in the way he wanted to be. The movies he wasn't there to be apart of and the mystery of how he disappeared is what made him even more famous than he was. Jesse thinks he can still become the kind of author he wants. She wants to help him become that. ]
You were a skeptic once. [ She pauses then. Shoulders curl. ] It bothers you. The fact they weren't sleeping in a room together. Why?
[ Working with the Bureau isn't a surprise to her. Something tells her she'd always end up being on the path of the weird and the unusual. ]
Married with a somewhat normal life. I wonder if that Alan hated the fact it wasn't entirely normal.
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[ He shakes his head. ]
Scratch... Where did Scratch stop and I started? I thought that Scratch was... Weren't we two parts of the same person, or am I just talking crazy? I know that I caused problems. Scratch definitely caused problems. [ I think he killed Jesse once. More than once? Was that really Scratch or was that just me flipping out? Either way, it's bad. ]
... The Duck? [ He looks at her, confused. Maybe he's just confused about everything relating to what he thought was an entity called Scratch. Jesse just said that about Scratch, but Alan can't shake the feeling that Scratch was something else entirely. ]
I was a skeptic, way back when all of this started. But even then, I knew that weird things were going on, even if I didn't know exactly what it all meant. This other Alan seemed to have closed the door on the possibility of unexplainable things happening.
[ Alan nudges Jesse with his shoulder as he tries to put his thoughts into something that makes sense. ]
It felt like he cut her off. He was pulling away, leaving her by herself, and hardly even talking to her anymore, as far as I could tell. It's... What if I did that to Alice? What if I do that to you?
Married, but not even really talking to his own wife. [ Alan's expression seems to darken as he thinks back to everything he experienced in the dream or whatever the hell it was. ] What's the point in having fame and money if you don't have someone around that you care about? It's not going to fill you up; it's just going to make you feel like you have what you want, when you don't really have it.
[ Alan realizes as he says those words that he really means them. His priorities seem to have shifted a lot now, leaving behind who he used to be before all of this began. ]
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[ She simply squeezes him at the questions of Scratch. In her mind, it's the worst parts of Alan made into a monster. He's not really Alan. Those worst parts make a monster and someone she doesn't recongize as her significant other. ]
Yeah. The Duck. It's an Altered Item in the Oldest House. Just a rubber duck from a bathtub. Who... likes getting free and quacking all over the place.
[ She squeezes him again, remaining on top of him. It isn't hard to figure out why it bothers Alan. He's a very physical person--maybe even more so after being in the Dark Place for so long.
« Not sharing the space with somone you love... I imagine Alan can't fathom it all. He always wants to be near me. Not that I have a problem with it. He just can't imagine another version of him being any other way. » ]
What happened? What causes him to pull away like that? [ She pauses. ] The other me probably blamed herself. Thought she was "too weird."
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I think Barry's long gone. He's moved on, probably to bigger and better things. Barry always had the crazy ideas and the crazier, bigger dreams.
[ I think I just have her. And I could be all right with that, but can she?
She squeezes him and he shifts slightly, but out of pleasure, not discomfort. Her touch makes him feel good. It keeps him grounded when his worries threaten to take him over. Still, he can't quite push aside the questions he still has about Scratch, but maybe he shouldn't ask Jesse about them. ]
Can anyone see the Altered Items that you have, or are those classified? I know it's just a duck, but- [ He shrugs. ]
I think he wasn't ready to accept that this is the way the world is. It's weird, it's full of things you can't explain, and there's a lot of things out there that might try to kill you. I wouldn't blame him for that, except- why did he feel like he had to distance himself from her?
[ Alan shakes his head. He knows he thought about what he could do to protect Jesse: if maybe it was better for her if he didn't keep dragging her into his problems, but he'd never purposefully pull away from her like the Alan in the dream did. ]
Actually, now that you mention it, she did think it was because of her. I- I wanted her to see that it wasn't her fault. I know, it's crazy, to want to help someone I dreamed up while asleep, but...
[ It was Jesse, even if she went by the name Beth. I only wanted to help. ]
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[ « At least, I hope he does. I could look into what Barry has been up to outside the Alex Casey movies. Probably not good since Alice died. Maybe reuniting Alan and Barry is exactly what he needs. »
She only shifts slightly more while laying on top of him. Eventually, she'll need to call out into the Oldest House. They'll need to figure out what to do for the rest of the day. He's already noted how it's getting closer to the holidays. Should they decorate? Should they try to be like a real couple? How much longer should she try to hold back while he adjusts to living again?
« I wish I had the answers. » ]
Everyone can see them. Only people like us can use Objects of Power.
[ Jesse sighs. ] Maybe... he couldn't handle the fact she was holding back. If you told me you didn't want any part of how weird my life is? I'd hold back. Keep it locked away. Wouldn't that put a distance between us eventually? Wouldn't you push me away because of that?
I think we both know it wasn't really a dream, Alan.
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Maybe he would, but should he? A lot can change in thirteen years. Maybe what I should be doing is figuring out how to make new connections. New friendships.
[ Why do I feel like everything from before 2010 is gone? It just feels like everyone moved on without me, because why would anyone wait around? Anyone except for Jesse, I mean. ]
Huh. [ He files that away for later; he doesn't intend to go poking around or poking at anything stored in the Oldest House, even if he's allowed to go near any of it. He probably shouldn't go near any of it, right? Maybe the most he'll do is ask if he can look at the duck, for... some reason. ]
Yeah, maybe that was it. I know it sounds crazy, but I really just wanted to talk to him, to figure out what the hell he was even doing. Maybe if I talked to him, and put it together with what Beth was saying, it would make sense. Maybe it wouldn't make sense at all. I don't know.
[ He shifts his gaze to try and meet hers, because she's right. That's exactly how it would go, between them. ]
I know that if you tried to lock things away, I wouldn't like that. I wouldn't want you holding anything back; so yeah, that would put distance between us. I don't know if I'd push you away, but I might push you away by asking you to not keep things from me. I don't want you to keep the weirdness from me.
[ That made more sense in his head, and so he adds: ] That sounds crazy, but you know what I mean, right?
[ At her next words, something in Alan's face tenses. ] You think I was- You think it was a vision?
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« Wasn't the whole point of him getting out to get back to the life he had in some form...? » ]
Did you get to talk to him?
[ « I can't imagine talking to myself like that. But, Alan's powers work entirely different than mine. Maybe that's part of what being the "Master of Many Worlds" is all about. Knowing other worlds and other versions of yourself. Great. Peachy. Alan will love that. » ]
Asking me to share things wouldn't push me away. Not if I could tell you genuinely cared and were interested. Which, you are, by the way. I know.
[ Jesse frowns then. The side of her face presses into his chest. ] I think you went there.
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