synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

OCEANVIEW PATHS

but we can leave our gilded cages.

Two worlds colliding
There ain't no bargaining
No giving in without a fight CODE BY TESSISAMESS

You mentioned over the Hotline that they were similar. "If one, why not another?"

Or, something like that.

They are both entities that carve out things to dominate them. Make it so they're the only ones that are left and in control. The Hiss overwhelms you... bends you. Breaks you. Forces you to their frequency of just pure chaos. The more you sink into their dream? The more you're apart of them.

Dylan seemed to be in more control of it. Maybe because he's like me. You. "P6" was what the Bureau referred to him as. Prime Canidate 6 ...and I was 7.

[ Her cheek rests against his arm and she gently rubs her face into the fabric of the shirt he wore the day before. She leans into his comfort as she did the morning before at the coffee shop. ]

Yeah... I know. Several people in the Bureau know.

[ Despite it all? She smiles at him. Her green eyes focus on him as he begins to eat the pancakes. She doesn't applaud or treat him like a child for the feat. Instead, just a smile, and turning back to her own meal. ]

I wonder if both the Hiss and the Dark Presence had a connection somehow. Maybe they're not both related to the Dark Place, but maybe there's a similarity. Or maybe they're just two entities trying to take everything as theirs.

Either way, it sounds terrible, and all too similar to how the Dark Presence tries to dig its way in. [ Alan gives an involuntary shudder at the thought of how the Dark Presence is, and at the images he's seeing in his mind's eye because of Jesse's descriptions of the Hiss. ]

Dylan, your brother? He can do things too? [ But then Alan looks confused at the terms Jesse's using. ] P6 and 7. Prime Candidates. What's that?

[ At the feeling of her rubbing her face into the fabric of his shirt and how she leans into him, he wants to put aside the breakfast he's slowly working on so he can just pull her closer and hold her. He could never grow tired of holding her or being close to her. ]

... Maybe it would be good to talk to more people who know. Not that talking to you isn't enough, but being around others who know what we know... who aren't pretending it doesn't exist or that it doesn't happen to people. Maybe that would be good.

[ He smiles warmly back at her as he pokes the pancakes again with his fork. ]

I think... they're entities that are similar. Not the same, but, can compliment. Which is why Hartman turned out the way he did. [ Her head tilts into his arm more. ] You mentioned on the Hotline that they Dark Presence allowed the Hiss in. Let it work with it. It was weak, I think? From being cut off from the Lake for so long. So, it would mean they can ignore one another?

[ « Which means it's the same as you and the Light. Right? You compliment and work together if you choose to do so. »

Polaris swirls.

« I wonder then... does Alan have the Light like Hartman had the Dark Presence? Just another thing to test. He'll love that. » ]

Polaris reached out to both of us. Unlocked both of our abilities. [ Her gaze drifts down slightly with a frown on her face. Fingers continue to move along his and down to his palm in some sort of motion for comfort. Comfort she doesn't really deserve as she is the one that left her brother behind.

« It's classified. How much do I tell him? He was on the list too. Doesn't he deserve to know? » ]

Trench--the previous Director--set up a program to help identify parautalitarians. He was elected to become Director after the one before him... was irresponsible. Trench wanted to avoid that. He wanted candidates that they could prepare for the spot. [ Jesse's fingers curl inside his hold suddenly. A tight fist. ] "Prime Canidate 6" and "Prime Canidate 7." They took Dylan and tried to groom him--and forgot human decency. More like a test subject than anything. When his powers were erratic, probably because of how they treated him, they locked him down. Threw away the key. After feeling Polaris left him... and me... I don't blame him for thinking the Hiss was the better option.

[ « He could control it and be apart of something. Make everyone else be apart of it as well. » ]

You were on the Prime Canidate list too. I'm guessing because of what happened in Bright Falls. Even before I went after Hartman? I found documents about you and the AWE in 2010. We even have an Altered Item that's a coffee thermos... and one of your manuscript pages. [ Jesse pauses, eyes flicking up to the ceiling. ] I think that's the first time I heard your voice. People hear your voice narrating what's on the page. I saw you writing that page.

[ Part of her would like to think it's some romantic connection. It's not that. She's a parautalitarian too... and has access to the Hotline. ]

Getting other perspectives is good. You'd like Arish.

[ She nudges him with her shoulder to encourage him to eat more. Despite how her hand is still locked into a fist. ]

Well, that settles that. [ He smiles, but he's serious too. Or, well, as serious as he can be when playing a part. ] How about somewhere with sun? [ He glances at her ankle, as if wondering if warmth would do better for her than somewhere cold or cool.

His words trail off gradually once he notices the changes in Beth's demeanor. Worry replaces any attempts at light humor as the interview goes on. Maybe it's not his place, as he's not her Alan, but he reaches for her in an attempt to take her hand. If she pulls away or gives a sign of not wanting him to touch her, he'll withdraw. But he wants to reassure her, even comfort her if he can. Whatever it is that's bothering her, he wants her to know she isn't alone. ]

Between you and me, I don't have to rehearse much of anything when it comes to your show. But also between you and me, that's something my manager doesn't want me saying, in case it makes other show hosts jealous. How I see it, though, is like this: you've invited me to your shows several times now, and so I just see it as brand loyalty. If someone else wants me on their show, I'm not going to say no. You just get thought of first.

[ The Alan doing the interview just grins and pretends to look slightly worried, as if being afraid of what fallout he might get from Barry later, but he just shrugs that off and keeps going when the show host pulls out the copy of "Return". ]

Hey, would you look at that? You know, I still can't believe it's finally real.

But yeah, small towns are very small, and that's partly why I like them so much. Sure, word gets around, and everyone knows everyone's business, but I don't mind that. Well, sometimes I do, but only sometimes, now.

[ He smirks at the audience, who laughs in response. ]

When I say that I don't know if I should say their identity, I mean it. They're a pretty private person, you know? I'd hate for that to get interrupted because I said something in an interview. Isn't it enough that you all know I have an inspiration?

[ He fakes a nervous look as he stares out at the audience, hamming it up intentionally, although there actually is a part of him that does want to protect Beth's privacy. ]

Entities that are similar, but not the same... [ Alan's expression shifts into one that's thoughtful, as he thinks this over. It's something that requires actual thought and time to process it. Time to absorb the information he's being given and try his best to understand it. ] Hartman let the darkness in, or maybe the darkness persuaded him to let it in. Maybe he always had darkness inside him.

[ Alan's own expression darkens at the thought of Hartman. ] Maybe the Dark Presence needed the Hiss for something... for some strange symbiotic relationship. Except I don't know if symbiotic is the right word for two things that are basically parasites, if I'm understanding it all.

[ He feels his head start to ache, but he tries to ignore it. Now isn't the time for distractions. He quiets as Jesse continues talking, and he continues holding her hand and letting her fingers stroke his hand. If it helps comfort her, he has no issues with any of it. All he wants is for her to feel loved and safe and comforted, even when things around them are difficult. ]

So... [ Alan's expression has turned serious again, his mouth pressed into a thin line. When he speaks, his tone has dropped a few notches into a lower register. ] So that's why you wouldn't let anyone lock me up, even if I asked for it. Even if I thought it was necessary. It was because of Dylan, wasn't it?

[ Was she thinking about her brother and how he was treated, and thinking that she'd never do that to anyone else? If it was, I can't blame her for that. ]

That's why you want to be different. Why you want things to be different as long as you're around... as long as you're Director. No more locking people up, or treating them like a test subject.

[ That's why she won't let me be treated like one, right? ]

Wait. [ With all the revelations about her brother, Alan's thoughts were distracted. Focused elsewhere. But then she said that he was on the list. ] Why would I-

[ But then she answers the question with her own guesses and theories, and then she keeps going with further revelations. A thermos. One of his manuscript pages.

Alan's face twists into confusion as he tries to make sense of all this, and he shakes his head. It's information he's hearing for the first time, and for reasons he barely understands, it surprises him. She knew about him before the Hartman situation; they had a thermos and a page he'd written... a page that has his own narration reading it out. And somehow, she had a vision or something of him reading it.

It's shocking to Alan without him really understanding why that is. ]

Arish? What does he do?

[ She nudges his shoulder, and he stares down at the plate of pancakes, but his mind is reeling with what she's just told him, and he just pokes them with his fork again. Maybe he'll keep eating after a minute, but he's trying to make sense of everything he's learned. ]

[ Neither will help her ankle ultimately. It's an old injury reinjured. Pushing herself to be someone she used to be in hopes of fixing her marriage. If she changed even just enough, maybe... maybe her husband will look at her the way he did when they first met.

Her gaze wanders as a frown tugs at the corners of her lips. She misses that... pull. It almost felt magnetic. Gravity. Somehow they always ended up in the same room. The same area. Each other's space. Even after they were married... the Casey movies... "Departure" and "Retuen"...

Now it's like he repels her.

She must have gotten too weird for him.

I always thought I would.

After all, Alan has had stress about books. "Departure", "Initiation." They had gotten through it fine before. "Return" should be no differenr. Yet, it's more like the book is pushing them apart. Which means she must have gone too deep into her job. The weirdness of Bright Falls. He wrote longer hours so she worked longer hours. The resentment of being at her job and not being there must have started all of their problems. At least, she thinks there should be resentment. Why wouldn't there be?

Why else would he write about the Lake House... and her and Estevez...

Alan continues to speak about his relationship with the talk show and it's host. ]

Warm sounds nice. [ Her voice is far away. Withdrawn. Things this Alan may recongize from his own someone. ] We'll look into it after Deerfesf.

[ Her fingers curl around Alan's hand just enough for him to notice. So he is aware she is acknowledging the gesture in good faith. He's trying. It feels that's more than her Alan is willing to do now. Or, maybe, she's not worth the effort now.

I can't even dance for him...

Beth's eyes raise just enough the moment her Alan mentions his inspiration. Someone who is private. Her heart gives a steady beat. Does he mean her? She can still be his inspiration--his muse--despite the fact they barely talk? They hardly see one another? ]

"Well, I'd hate to ruin our good relationship. Having number one on a best selling author! Wow! In seriousness, Alan, I think it's fair to protect someone's privacy. Not everyone wants the spotlight."

[ Beth's gaze lowers once more. ]

"Let's talk about something more publicly known then. Your dream team, I've heard it called in the industry. The team behind bringing the Casey movies and books to life--and now your new trilogy. You, Barry Wheeler, and Alice Madden. The Writer, the Manager and the Photographer. I gotta say, you three knocked it out with "Return." This book cover is stunning! She really put the work into bringing that weird vibe of the forests but maybe the skyline of a city as well. Sort of blending how this follows up "Initiation", I'd say.

How did that conversation go? The pair of you discussing how to do the cover and how your manager got to..."

[ At the mention of "the dream team", the dynamics in the room shift. Beth is standing up, hand falling away from Alan's. By the end of Mr. Garret's question, she's hobbled to the back door that leads to the porch.

It slams shut behind her.

Footsteps shuffle off.

Tim holds his arm up to keep Alan from going anywhere. A level look is given to him. ]

"It's best if you leave her alone for a bit, Alan."

Edited 2024-10-31 21:35 (UTC)

Given what I read? I wouldn't be surprised if he always had it in him. He tried to get other artists to so what you and apparently Zane did. Tried to con the Buearu into joining him. They took it all away and he jumped in the Lake... apparently he saw you and Zane roaming around the wood.

[ « I'm betting it was Scratch. Not Alan. » ]

Parasites together. Peachy.

[ Her gaze moves downwards. ] I wasn't going to lock up someone I love. Especially if it wouldn't do any of us any good.

Trench and Darling's ways screwed the Bureau. Screwed me and Dylan. Who knows who else. I'm not making those mistake. We're going to be better.

Somethings have to be locked up for safety. It wasn't you that was the problem. It was the Dark Prsence trying to come back with you. It's not a problem now so you don't need to ever be locked up. [ She pauses. ] Hartman did.

[ Her hand curls around his finally. Tightens. ]

They found a manuscript page from you. They saw it come from under the Spiral Door in the Motel. That's when everything with Hartman happened in the Oldest House. [ Her head tilts and presses into his arm further. ] After I closed the Slide Projector to the Hiss... you came over the Hotline.

He works security. [ She pauses. ] I've offered him the chance to move up. He doesn't have the interest. Fair enough.

[ « Not everyone is cut out for management. » ]

Edited 2024-10-31 10:55 (UTC)

I never understood why; I thought he was an ass, a jerk... Maybe he was looking for power or to get a reputation, but-

[ Alan shakes his head; he remembers feeling rage directed at Hartman and even hating him and thinking he was an evil person. Part of him still feels that way, but he's seen what the Dark Presence does and seen how it digs its way into a person. Maybe it dug out the worst parts of Hartman and used those to its advantage. ]

Even then, I can't understand why anyone would jump into the Lake just because they could. I had my reasons for doing it; Alice didn't have a choice. Hartman had a choice, and I think he made the wrong one.

[ Alan's expression shifts to something thoughtful but still worried. The Dark Presence isn't gone, and neither is the Dark Place, and as far as he can tell, the Hiss are still out there too. Parasites. ]

How do you fight the Hiss? You can't kill them like you can kill a person with a gun. [ Maybe that was a bad choice of words, because suddenly Alan remembers staring down the barrel of a gun more than once. He doesn't remember being struck with a bullet, but it probably happened even though he forgot about it. ]

I know you're not going to lock me up, but you still can, if you decide you need to. [ He's still giving her free rein to do that, not that he expects her to ever accept his offer and play that card. ] I don't know if the Dark Presence can reach me here, or-

[ A thought occurs to him then and his expression seems to tighten as he realizes what could possibly happen. For now, though, he tries to put it from his mind and he tries to shift his expression back to something more neutral. ]

A manuscript page under the door... I think I remember it, or parts of it. Maybe I just remember writing the page but not what's on it. [ He hates how spotty his memory is. There's things he should know, and he remembers them in part, but whenever he tries to fill in the blanks, nothing happens. ]

Well, I can't wait to meet him, and anyone else around there that you want me to meet.

[ But do they want to meet me?

Alan wouldn't blame anyone there for being skeptical, even apprehensive around him. ]

The Bureau took his life's work. Maybe he felt there wasn't much left to do than that. Prove everyone wrong or... something.

[ « Alan chose to jump into the Lake--the Threshold. Twice. Both times to save people. Not that it's worth bringing up. We finally got to eat a meal together. I don't want to accidently screw it up by saying the wrong thing. »

Jesse gives no verbal answer to his question. Instead, her hand pulls away from his own just a bit. Enough so that he can feel Polaris coming through her hands. Not Jesse's own power. Polaris is the only way to fight the Hiss that they know currently. Replacing the Hiss Resonance with Polaris'. ]

I don't plan to find out if it can.

[ She pauses. ] When we go to the Oldest House? I'll show it to you. Maybe you'll remember something.

Apparently the link to the Motel and the Dark Place happened when that did. The Spiral Door appeared there. Though, no one has been able to get into it. No keys apparently. At least, that's we have. The only time I've ever seen it open is when you opened it. Not just to join me in the Motel, but, when I was chasing Hartman down...

The door was open. I saw you talking to Zane, but, he looked exactly like you. [ Green eyes flick up to his as if expecting an explanation. ] I don't think either of you realized I was there looking in.

[ « Well, he can't meet everyone. Dylan... he's still not awake. »

She gently prods his hand with her finger. He needs to eat. ]

[ If Alan knew that, or at least, had more than an instinctive knowledge that doesn't quite belong to him, he'd insist on doing something to try and help with her ankle. Maybe it won't ever be fully healed, but there's things that could help, right? Massages, heat wraps, heat period...

Maybe it's not his place, since he doesn't belong here, but he can't just ignore that pull he feels to help. And the existence of that pull makes him wonder why Beth's Alan doesn't feel it anymore.

That feeling of needing to do something to fix the problems between Beth and her Alan only grows stronger the more he learns and the more he hears. But what can he do that would actually make a difference?

He looks sidelong at Beth, sensing that maybe she's pulling away from him. She doesn't owe him anything, and she doesn't owe him any favors or any closeness at all. In more than one way, he's a stranger to her, after all. ]

Or we don't have to do that; I just want you to be happy, and I thought maybe a change of scene would do you some good.

[ He's about to just withdraw when he feels her fingers curl slightly around his hand, and his eyebrows lift in surprise.

But before he can do more than keep holding her hand, something seems to shift again, and before Alan even knows what's happening, the conversation on the TV turns to talking about Barry and Alice and how they work together with Alan to get things done, and that feeling of a shift grows even stronger. It's confirmed abruptly when Beth stands up and she pulls away from him, and...

She's gone, heading for the porch. Alan holds out a hand but no words come; they would have been cut off by the slamming of the door anyway, but he made no attempt to say anything, as that feeling of it not being his place grew even stronger.

Then Tim speaks, gesturing to him to stay where he is, and saying as much as well. Alan's posture seems to drop slightly, and without a word, he stands up, crosses over to the TV and turns it off. Once that's done, he returns to where he was sitting and lets out a lengthy sigh. ]

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do here, Tim.

[ In more ways than one. ]

[ Tim waits until Alan is settled again before standing. He walks over, takes a seat to the side of the author. He sighs lightly and shakes his head. ]

Maybe you should answer the question as to why you're here. With us. [ His eyebrows raise. ] Beth would know faster than any of us... but I can tell you're not the Alan Wake that we all know. You're here in his body, I guess, but you're not him. Too many small things add up.

Like holding Beth's hand for one. I haven't seen Alan do that in... geez, a year? Maybe longer.

[ Tim sighs. ] Look, Alan. I'm guessing that's the name you go by. I'm not sure what caused all their problems. Beth would say it started with this new book. I think it started back with his last book. It didn't go well. It sold good, but feedback was all over the place from what Rose said. He probably felt pressured for the last five or so years to get a sequel out everyone is going to accept.

Plus, the Casey books were made into movies. I know that put a strain on things. They had a Christmas party during production of one of the movies, and Barry was trying hard to get Alan to move to New York or Hollywood for it. Obviously, Alan said no every time, but... well. It's probably best to ask her about it.

[ Tim leans back and gestures to the door that Beth left through. ]

I'd say start by asking what happened to her ankle. She didn't have the limp yesterday.

I guess maybe I'd feel the same way if I lost everything I'd been working on my whole life. But maybe not; I mean, all I do is write books. Maybe Hartman started out actually wanting to help people and he lost sight of that along the way.

I'll never like Hartman, but maybe he wasn't always like this.

[ She pulls her hand away and he almost asks her if he upset her somehow, but then he feels the pulse of Polaris's resonance coming through Jesse's hands and into his. It's not just a resonance; it's power, and it's strong. Stronger than the Hiss and the Dark Presence, although Alan has difficulty thinking that anything could be more powerful than the Dark Presence. Still, Polaris feels plenty powerful to him, and Jesse believes in Polaris, so that means he has to believe in her too. ]

... Yeah. I never want to go back to the Dark Place. [ And I never want to have more of myself carved away by it again. ]

Maybe. It would be good if I did, wouldn't it? [ He quiets then, simply listening to her explanation about what happened when the page appeared under the door. He's noticed that when he needs a minute to just regroup and collect himself, he becomes quiet. He's not zoning out or spiraling away; he just becomes tired and needs a moment to recharge and gather his thoughts again. He never was like that before, but it just seems to be yet another side effect of being in another dimension for thirteen years. ]

... Talking to Zane. I- I did that a few times, I think. Talked to someone who said his name was Zane. [ Alan shakes his head. ] I think we argued more than once. [ His gray eyes lock onto hers in return. He doesn't have much of an explanation about anything when it comes to Zane. ] I think... maybe that was one of the times we argued. I remember him making me angry, but I don't know why.

[ She prods at his hand then, and he pulls himself out of his thoughts long enough to remember they were eating breakfast. He still has his fork in his hand poised above the pancakes like he was about to take another bite before his mind wandered away.

He cuts himself off another piece, but he doesn't move to eat it just yet. She'll probably notice the hint of a faraway look in his eyes, but he's still not drifting. He's thinking, but all it's doing is distracting him from the task of eating. ]

Do you sometimes wish that the world could be less complicated? [ He stares down at the fork in his hand before finally slowly putting the bite of pancakes into his mouth and chewing on it. ]

[ Suddenly, Alan feels uncomfortable, put on the spot. Tim's never made him feel like that before, but he's becoming all too aware that this isn't where he's supposed to be. Beth thinks he's an outsider; Tim seems to think the same. Why am I here then? ]

I would love to answer that question, but I don't know why I'm here myself. [ He expects Tim to shoot that down, saying he doesn't believe him, but Alan really has no good answer to give as to what he's doing here and why. ]

So things are really that bad between them. A year or longer? [ Alan shakes his head. He's trying to avoid drawing too many comparisons between this and his relationships, but it's hard to steer clear of it. ]

Maybe that's what I'm here for. Maybe somehow, I can help Beth and Alan figure things out. I don't think this should be the end of them, even though it's kind of not my place to think much of anything. [ He shrugs. ] There must be a way for them to work out their differences and go back to being happy together.

[ Eventually, though, Alan just falls silent and listens to Tim's explanations. It sounds to him that Alan's books and the pressures associated with being a writer contributed to stress in their relationship. The adaptations of the books into movies didn't help either. As for Barry, somehow that doesn't surprise him that he wanted Alan to move away from Bright Falls. It's not difficult for him to imagine that Beth's Alan shot that down every time.

So why did they fall apart so hard? ]

I'd love to ask her about that, but I don't know if she'll even talk to me. Why should she, anyway? I don't belong here, right?

If you lost your books like that... I imagine you'd be mad. Maybe not to the point you'd jump in a lake that is haunted by an alien evil cloud.

[ She nods to his statement. No one wants Alan to go back to the dark. She knows her opinion hardly matters compared to his, but, she might punch a hole through realities if something tried to drag him back. A story, his own need to save people, whatever it might be. She's not letting him go anymore. ]

It was more like ... an argument, I guess. He was insisting you were working together. Not that you really believed him. [ Jesse glances up at him. ] You looked .. confused. Disoriented. And, I don't mean he looked like you. He looked exactly like you. Even down to the same tweed jacket. [ Her tone turns slightly fond at the mention of the old outfit. ] There was a spiral picture on the wall too. Not sure what was going on with that.

[ Jesse sits up straight in order to go back to eating. If anything, it may encourage Alan to do so as well. Not that she expects him to eat the entire plate. Him eating any of it means more than the world to her right now. He'll be able to sleep, and with more sleep, his mind will heal as well. It's a huge step in her mind. ]

I wouldn't know what to do with a world like that. [ She fall silent for a moment. She turns the fork in her hand. ] This... it's always been this way for me. Ever since Ordinary. The world being simpler? It made no sense.

[ Her fork twirls again. ]

That's where we're different. You had a normal less complicated life. You got married, had a career... everything before the Dark Presence found you. That's where we're different. [ « Is it too different? Will that keep us from... not that it matters. Marriage? He wouldn't marry me. That's fine. Living with him is enough. » ] It took me my whole life to find the Bureau. Finding a place that I belong with how the world is. I wouldn't trade that.

[ Tim nods. The friendly demeanor remains, but, he didn't like hiding the fact he knew that Alan wasn't their Alan. It rubbed him wrong. If anything, this Tim seems the same. Maybe just a bit more aware of the weird and unusual. ]

Well, maybe it has something to do with what both of you wanted? You and our Alan, I mean. Our Alan may have had something you were looking for... and he just wanted out of everything going on. Marriage issues, book tour. That kind of thing. I could be dead wrong. Just, trying to think of what could be the cause of it all. You'd probably have better insight into that than me.

[ His gaze drops and he nods slightly. ] It used to be that they were inseparable. When I first moved out here anyways. If they were both in a room but not together? They'd somehow just naturally gravitate towards one another. No matter what. Now, you're lucky if they're even in the same room longer than formalities. From what I see, anyways. It might be different when no one is around. But, based on her reaction? I'm guessing not.

[ Then, a familiar smile touches his face. He leans back. ] I'm pretty sure she'll talk if you ask her the right way. If you're an author? You'll know the right words to use. She always told me Alan was good at reading and disarming her with just a sentence. Might as well give it a try, you know?

Edited 2024-11-04 08:00 (UTC)

[ He stops to think about that for a moment. How upset would he be if something like that happened? Would he be incensed? Distraught? Maybe at first, but maybe it would be an opportunity for a fresh start. But he knows one thing is for sure: he's never going back into the lake. ]

No, I wouldn't even think about going near a lake, haunted or otherwise, even if I lost every book I'd ever written. [ His expression has a hint of doubt, as if maybe this is a case of "famous last words", but he believes he wouldn't even consider going near Cauldron Lake unless someone close to him was in danger. ]

You know why I jumped into the lake the first time. It was to save Alice, and the second time was to save everyone else, or at least... try to save them. I don't think I'd jump in just because I lost my books.

[ But that doubt that's rooting itself into the back of his mind isn't so easily shaken off. It's that doubt that makes him reach for Jesse's hand to hold it again. ]

... Insisting we worked together. Why does that sound familiar? Someone said that to me before, or I heard someone say that. I think I met Zane again, or someone who called himself Zane. [ Alan shakes his head. The memories of his time in the Dark Place are fragmented, and he can't really put a finger on if he actually met Zane or if he only imagined he did. ] I don't think it was me who worked with him. I think he met Scratch somehow, or he met me when the Dark Presence got me...

[ Alan's hand curls and his expression darkens, because he really doesn't like talking about this. ]

I'm not sure what was going on with any of that.

[ His gaze shifts when he registers her straightening up, looking like she's about to resume eating again. He has yet to do the same, as his mind is whirling with thoughts and half-formed images and memories. ]

You wouldn't want to experience a life like that? You could get a job working somewhere, do your eight hours, and then go home for the day. Maybe we could've done that together: just the two of us, no alien forces, no darkness... just two people living a life, day after day.

[ But then his brow furrows as another realization hits him. ] You wouldn't like that, would you? Being normal, not having Polaris... Maybe we wouldn't have met at all. I guess if you could start over from the beginning and choose between that normal life and the kind of life that you have now, it's pretty clear which one you would choose.

[ But a part of him, that sentimental part, wishes Jesse could have had a happier start to her life, and maybe... just maybe, not have had so many bad things happen to her and to the people around her. ]

Normal? Sure. Less complicated? [ He shrugs. ] But was I really happy though? Were any of us really happy? [ Are we happy now? ]

If I didn't go through all of that, if I didn't know what I know now, maybe I'd never have met you. Maybe I'd just go through life feeling like I was missing something without ever knowing what that something was.

[ He pauses for a moment, and then he adds: ] I'm glad that that didn't happen. I'm glad that I met you.

[ And in a rare moment of sentimentality, Alan curls his fingers more around the hand that he's holding and he slowly lifts it until he can press a light kiss to the back of her hand.

For now, even though he knows it'll only help him in the long run, eating seems to have fallen to the back of his mind again. What's important is showing Jesse how much he cares about her. ]

Edited 2024-11-04 17:25 (UTC)

Yeah... I know. And, you saved them. Every one of them.

[ Once more, Jesse falls quiet. They haven't talked about anything when it comes to "Return." She's made sure not to bring it up due to being worried he may have another episode like he had while they were shopping.

« No. That's not the only reason. That's just the convient reason. The one that works so I don't need to explain the other one. I don't want him to know how much it hurt. How it took everything in me not to hold him back at those campgrounds. "Return" wasn't about me. I wasn't even the hero or the main character. It doesn't matter to anyone but me... I don't want him to feel worse about everything. »

Still, the image of watching the car drive off into the night is burned into her memories. The way the red lights flared up on the back with braking as he turned the corner. The end of the FBI's rental car disappearing around the bend. The way the atmosphere calmed as the story followed Alan to his destination. Feeling that force unlock from her ankle and letting her be free.

Seeing Alan awake and free from the Dark Presence for the first time... only to let him turn away and get into the car.

Jesse's eyes flick downwards as she eats another bite.

Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night to turn and make sure he's really next to her. She'd leave her office in the middle of the night to check on him when they kept him in the Oldest House.

Her hand gently curls around his, as if she's suddenly worried touching him will make the entire experience disappear. ]

Scratch working with anyone is hard to believe. [ A stiffness enters her tone. She can remember a conversation with Scratch, trying to keep his at bay when the others had the Clicker. Another failed loop. ] He came off as more "It's all about me and what I want."

[ Jesse pauses again at his questions and musings. Her eyes drop once more. A sudden feeling of guilt rises that she isn't normal. No, not guilt, more of an insecurity. A worry. Should she apologize for not being normal or looking for a normal life? She's thought that's what Alan has wanted. That he'd tolerate the weirdness, the Buearu, Polaris... but never truly want to be in the world where all of it resides.

« Knowing the poster is off the wall but pretending most the time it's still covering the hole. »

Her eyes dart to the side. She frowns slightly. ]

I don't... [ Her lips press together as her gaze drops further. ] I can't imagine a life like that. Something where you don't know what's truly out in the world. I don't know what that's like. Even if--I still was afraid the Buearu would find me. Take me away. Instead of me finding them on my own terms.

I don't know what a life like you had is like. [ Vulnerability fills her tone. Worry, even. Fear she's let him down or failed an expectation or maybe even dream he had for them. ] I... I can't know if I'd like that or not.

[ Her hand curls in his hold as he kisses it. Jesse closes her eyes and her shoulders curl. She's touched, flustered even, but still gripped by the other emotions Alan Wake is so damn good at unlocking inside her. ]

You were happy with Alice. [ No judgemental in her tone. Just vulnerability, insecurity, a hint of shyness. Red on her cheeks despite how she tries to hide her eyes from him. So he doesn't see her emotions. ] Maybe you wouldn't have loved me if I was just... normal. You wouldn't have a reason to. You'd be happy with Alice. Writing. Being artists together.

Edited 2024-11-04 18:15 (UTC)

[ Alan's feeling of being out of place only grows stronger as he sits here talking with Tim. He's not even sure why, other than that the Tim he knows is just as open as the one he's talking to now, but he's different. This Tim is more confident in how he talks and in how he carries himself; he seems more assured of himself in a world that is more than meets the eye.

... Or maybe Alan's just imagining these things. Maybe his perception isn't what it was. He thinks his perceptions about this Tim are correct, but anyone would say that about their own perceptions of the world and the people in it. ]

Maybe it does. I can't think what your Alan would be looking for that I'd have, but I know that I'd love to have some of what he has. Not the distance from Beth; I wouldn't want that with... with the person I care for most. But everything else? The successful books, the success in general...

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want even a fraction of that. But that's not all; your Alan is normal. Mostly normal, I guess. He- Well... [ Alan's words trail off, because maybe he shouldn't unload his issues onto Tim, who might as well be a stranger. This Tim hasn't dealt with an Alan who's losing his memory. This Tim doesn't know what the Dark Place is. ]

Forget it.

[ He doesn't want to put all this on anyone's shoulders, let alone a version of the Tim that he knows. ]

I'd say something about it being inevitable that all Alan Wakes have problems with relationships, but that's probably not very nice. [ Even if it seems to be true to a degree. Still, I probably shouldn't say that. ]

There must be a way for them to work through their problems. It's not too late for them. [ His expression shifts into a thoughtful one. ] I just wish I could think of something useful that would help.

[ Tim's statement causes Alan to raise an eyebrow. He's surprised that the other man thinks he can do much of anything to convince Beth to talk to him. ]</small. You might be giving me too much credit. Why would she even want to talk to me, much less listen to me? I'll give it a try, but I won't be surprised if she shuts me right down.

Maybe there's something to teach him? You'd know him best, I think. Given you're still both Alan Wake. Just slightly different. [ Tim speaks with an air of knowing in his tone. As if, for some reason, he knows more about other versions of people than he lets on. ] "Normal", huh? I'd like to hear more about that later. If you've got the time.

[ Tim nods once more to what Alan says. Not in a sense of knowing this time, but that he is listening and taking mental notes. Alan Wake having issues with marriage. It would track with Alan's character anyways. He's not an easy guy to love (in Alan's own words), but, it also isn't hard to see why someone would love the man. As he saw it? It was pretty easy to tell what about Alan that Beth had fallen in love with.

That had been a pill to swallow for Tim. ]

Talking to her is the best place to start with that. [ He smiles. ] It's good to hear someone else think that it's not over for them. Rose and I are pulling for them... but, I think Beth is on the cusp of throwing in the towel. She's not a quitter by any means. Just, I'm starting to think she feels she's already lost him.

Maybe talking to you is exactly what she needs. Someone who is a little like her Alan but isn't quite him.

Not all of them. I didn't save all of them. [ People died because of me. I killed them. Got them killed.

Alan feels himself pulling back, withdrawing into his thoughts again, as guilt and regret resurface. He can't undo the harm he's caused, and he can't bring back the people who died in the process of his story, and that will never sit right with him.

Jesse seems to be lost in her own thoughts, while Alan is dealing with the guilt that keeps swirling around him. Faces appear in his mind's eye; some of them are people he recognizes, while others are strangers, nameless to him. But they have names; they were someone's father or mother, brother or sister... They were taken by the story, and the story remains Alan's fault. He still blames himself for all of it, including and maybe worst of all, how he hurt Jesse in the process of the story.

He could spend the rest of his life trying to make that up to her, and he intends to do just that.

Her hand curls around his, and he's quick to imitate the gesture to try and reassure her that he's here and not going anywhere. ]

I think that he would do it if he knew that there was something he could get out of it. Or maybe if he could manipulate his way into getting it. But then again, I don't think I'm an expert on Scratch. More often than not, he outplayed me.

[ Or did I outplay myself? ]

It's all right. You don't have to imagine a life like that. You're you, and I love you exactly how you are. I love you because of who you are. We can just have the life we have now; that's all we really need, isn't it?

[ Before he pulls away and releases her hand, he brushes his lips against the back of it again, wanting to communicate again that he loves her. ]

I was, once. She might have even been happy with me at one point. [ And then the drinking and partying started and I became someone I wasn't. She could have left me; sometimes I wonder why she didn't. ]

I don't know how happy we would have been. Maybe if I hadn't gotten writer's block; maybe if the Dark Presence hadn't been there trying to lure in artists. I do know that I would have loved you. I do love you. I love you exactly the way you are.

[ And then he kisses her hand again, wanting to further press that detail in. ]

Like what? Like how to not torch your own relationship? I know that's mean, but hey, I'm not any better when it comes to my own relationships. I guess he needs to know what not to do, but maybe it's too late for that. [ He gives Tim a smile, a genuine one. ] I'm sure that I can make time for you, Tim.

[ Maybe that's too familiar, but Alan can't help it. He is familiar with Tim, even if the Tim that's here is a different one. ]

Okay, then that's what I'll do. Talk to her, I mean. And between you and me, I'd never think it's over for them, not after... well, after certain things. All I can say is, I know someone who never gave up on me, so I wouldn't give up on them either. They can still make it, I'm sure of it.

[ And then since it just feels like the right thing to say, Alan adds: ]

For what it's worth, you never gave up on me either. [ Part of him expects Tim to look at him like he grew a second head, but there's another part of him that thinks Tim will just roll with it and not think it's insane. ]

We can't save them all, Alan.

[ It was hard to accept that she couldn't save everyone in the Oldest House. Some were too far gone. Some had no hope at all. While Alan would say none of it is her fault. She'd say otherwise. She led the Buearu to the Slide Projector. She and the other kids used the Projector. If they hadn't used it... none of it would have happened.

« It was my mess to clean up. My fight. » ]

He was adamant about me. Us. Me and him.

[ Her gaze slides to the side once more. She's not certain if Alan was ever aware of what happened. How Scratch wanted her--to pull her away from Polaris. Not that it's possible.

Is it? ]

It's the only life I could give you. So... hopefully it's enough. [ Her gaze darts to his as the blush deepens on her cheeks at his continued kisses. ] You know she loved you, Alan. She wouldn't have done what she did for you if she didn't.

[ She gently squeezed his hand. Then, she leans in just enough to tease a kiss. Something she doesn't act on. Just enough to get his attention. ]

We need to finish breakfast. Okay? Then, we can talk more.

[ His mouth twists to one side in obvious displeasure; he knows she's right, but he doesn't like having to admit to himself that it's impossible to save everyone. Too many people were caught up in the story because of him; that's bad enough as it is. It's even worse that people died in the process.

Maybe he deserved to be thought of as a murderer, someone who destroys lives. Maybe Casey was right and he treated everything like it was his playground. Just because he personally doesn't think so doesn't mean that's not the case.

I hope that Casey and Saga can settle back down after all this. Working for the FBI has to be crazy, but it can't be as crazy as all that, can it? ]

So... you met him when I was- not there. [ Something in Alan's eyes darkens at the thought. ] Did he hurt you?

[ If he did, it's one more thing that he can blame himself for. ] It's enough. You're more than enough, Jesse. [ As always, he hopes that his words and his kisses are enough to tell her how much he values her and loves her. ]

I know she did; it's just that sometimes, it's hard to actually believe that she could have loved me. It's hard to believe that you could love me.

[ His gaze falls to the surface of the table then; he's not looking at anything in particular, but then he feels a light brush against his cheek, and his gaze instantly returns to meet hers. ]

... Okay. [ He looks at the plate in front of him, and he wonders how much more of it he can eat. The least he can do is try, anyway, so he takes another forkful and makes himself eat it. ]

No. He didn't hurt me.

[ « Something tells me that it isn't a good idea to tell him what I do remember. »

Details are hazy, but she knows that Scratch wanted her. With him. Just as she is with Alan. He wanted to take her because Alan had her. He said he loved her. Not that she ever believed it. If he did love her? It was some warped concept of the idea.

She looks up at him at his answers and as he returns to poking at his food. Her hand let's go of his in order to let him eat. A few more bites of her own and she's finished. She stands to clean up her plate, then takes Alan's with a small smile. She'll put it in a container for leftovers later. Him eating any amount is better than nothing.

She turns to head back to their room. A gentle brush is given to his shoulders, then a light tug on the back of his shirt. A small gesture to get him to follow her back to bed. ]

Are you sure?

[ In his room, he will hurt her... What did that even mean? Did Scratch-?

She hasn't gone into detail about what Scratch did or didn't do, but Alan's imagination is filling in the gaps, and he doesn't like the things he's imagining.

He stares at Jesse as if looking at her will give him information that he doesn't have, but all he sees when he looks at her is... well, the person he loves most. Seeing her makes him feel happy and secure, as secure as he can, what with the monsters still lurking in his mind.

Once their plates are cleared and the leftovers put away, he goes with her back to the room they share. She tugs on his shirt and he sees instantly where she wants him to go. He heads straight for the bed, following her there and then sitting down on the side of the bed, looking at her as if wondering what she wants him to do next. ]

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