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synthneon2023-11-01 01:57 am
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-11-01 01:57 am
oceanview || ❝ i must guide my love through the night. ❞
I cannot feel her by my side
Even in this placе inside my mind
no subject
Her hand remains around his as her head tilts to the side and her eyes clothes. Not asleep or resting. Just... being there under the warm light. Polaris' resonance continues to hum, that gentle vibration echoing through the floorboards of the attic room--attic room? Hadn't she gotten here through a cabin? It should just be a second floor room.
« I don't think I'll ever understand this place. Not that I want to. »
Polaris shifts, and Jesse feels as if her oldest friend finds it amusing. Maybe Alan can even pick up on that with how the resonance shimmers around Jesse.
Her eyes open once she feels him shift. Green eyes follow his hand as he lifts it and she frowns slightly.
« He really doesn't understand how to stop and rest. Does he? »
Jesse isn't sure what he's gesturing to at first. Polaris tugs at her mind and her head turns to look behind her at the desk. The resonance shimmers and Jesse's head cants to the side. With a spare glance she shifts, moving out from under Alan slowly and helping him move. She sets him sitting against the desk before she begins looking around it.
It takes a few guesses on which drawer both he and Polaris want her to look through. One drawer has just... shredded paper in it everywhere. Random phrases and words on different pieces. She frowns, not wanting to really know what each phrase is for or how it came to be. She can guess. Some fits of just breaking down before he returned to himself. Before he "met" her.
The next drawer has what he's looking for. A manuscript. "Return" by... the name is scratched out. Violently. With a pen. A sinking feeling fills her stomach as she realizes what she's holding. It's a few slow steps before she rejoins him at the front of the desk, sitting down cross legged beside him with the papers in her hands. Then, one hand raises and the pen from the desk flies into it comfortably.
Jesse looks up at him. ]
Did you want me to read it, or just get to work?
[ « Since he won't stop and insists on going.
» ]
no subject
Maybe Alan's known all along that Jesse's time here is limited. It has to be. She can't stay, even if the last thing he wants is to say goodbye again. But she doesn't belong here; everything about her is in opposition to this place, to the way it works. It has him firmly in its grip, and he's lost a lot to it already, but he knows he won't see that happen to her. He won't let it latch onto her either.
But before she goes, he knows he needs one more thing from her. One more favor before they go their separate ways until the story puts them back together. If it does. She's not a writer, but she might still have ideas. And, well, she has a clearer head than Alan does. Hell, maybe even Polaris will be able to help. He sees that shimmering around Jesse and the sight of it makes him smile.
She'll be all right. Polaris will make sure of it. But she can't stay here too much longer.
When she slips out from beneath him and starts helping him move, he tries to be more than just almost dead weight so that she doesn't have to work harder than necessary. Once he's resting against the desk, his head tips back slightly but his eyes shift so he can still see her.
He knows what she'll find if she looks through the drawers: the one that's full of torn up pieces of paper, the result of several breakdowns that he's had when the pressure of everything becomes too much, and the one containing what he wants her to see. The manuscript. Return, complete with all the edits that he's made.
When she joins him again with the manuscript in hand, he tries to shift again so that he can see her better. He only manages to move an inch or two, but it's something. He shakes his head in response to her question; he's not ready to get back to work, as much as he knows he needs to. He just needs a little more time, knowing that a little is all he has. The light won't stay; Jesse herself can't stay. He just needs to take what he can get.
His eyes lock onto hers as best as he can manage. ]
Just- just read it. [ Again, there's no force behind it. It's not a command. She can say no if she doesn't want to. But he's hoping that if she reads it, she might get an idea that he can use. It's as much of a long shot as anything else he's tried on his own. But maybe this will actually have results. ] Read it, and- and if... if anything comes to you...
[ He stops again as that feeling of breathlessness returns. You'll tell me, right?
He completes the sentence in his head, eyes still fixed on hers, hoping she understands what he's asking for. ]
no subject
A story she can't control. Being unable to support the man she's fallen in love with--even if he says she's helped. How can she be of help if he's still stuck here? Bringing him back to being awake is great, it's what she's wanted to do, but what will happen when she leaves? Will he be able to stay awake?
Or is he going to drown again? What if he drowns to the point she can't pull him back up?
« I know we'll need to leave. We can't stay here... even if there's a part of me that wants to stay with him. It's too dangerous for you. For me. We can't properly recover here. And, Alan won't want us here. Not for much longer. It's the one thing he never wanted to have happen, but Door and his message... we ended up coming anyways. »
Her gaze lifts to his once he speaks again. Alan has most likely caught on to when she is speaking with Polaris. He's been around her so many times that he's had to notice. Learned when she speaks to her oldest friend and for how long.
A slow nod to his request.
Then, her eyes move to the manuscript in her hands.
She turns the title page and begins to read.
The edits Alan have made are obvious to her. Even if she hadn't seen the page where he wrote them back into the last loop? She can tell what is him and what's Scratch. Reading all the Alex Casey books certainly helped with that. Spending time with him has been the biggest way she has grown to notice it. Just, knowing him and his mind.
Jesse falls silent, but Polaris continues to hum, naturally coexisting with the Light brought by the Diver. She wishes that hum could help soothe her nerves as she turns the pages. The expression on her face turns ever so slightly to horror bit by bit. Then, it picks up speed. Everything Saga had faced and dealt with.
« No wonder she was so angry at Alan. »
Her hands come to a stop after some time. She stops at the point in which they would have crossed paths. Alan taken by the FBC, Saga going her own way to solve personal mysteries. She can tell the page with them reuniting would have fit right here... but it's not, because she has it. Safe keeping or something. Her finger taps idly on the pen before turning one page back and gently writing in the tip of the corner:
Faden and Sevastopol enter here. Been held up trying to get things in order for the fights to come. Faden sends Estevez to bring Wake to the station. Preparations already made. Faden and Wake meet. Reunite---if Wake wants the page back. — EDIT: J.F.
She draws a few arrows to it to make it stand out. In case he forgets any of this ever happened.
Jesse glances up at him before handing him the page and then moving to the following ones. A small note is made on a handful of them, where to put her and Steve, how to have them interwoven at key points to try and bolster Alan and Saga's chances at success.
Faden and Saga here. Make sure Saga has help remembering it's been looping. She KNOWS. Faden reminded her in a loop before. — EDIT: J.F.
Another page. A new chapter. Her heart sinks and for a moment all she does is stare at the page.
RETURN 8 - SUMMONING.
« This is where he died last time. Saga got him to take out Scratch. It's where I failed to save him--to be the hero. Maybe, I'm not supposed to be the hero, even though it's what Alan wants. The story already has a hero--Saga. I'm clashing with that role because Alan wants me in it. Maybe... maybe I'm the hero for him as who he is: Alan Wake. Not the hero of Return. »
Jesse slowly turns the page again and writes in the next corner:
Faden and Sevastopol here. Saga is the main focus. Faden gives back up power with her guiding star to Estevez and Casey. Sevastopol is back up for Saga. Cover her blind spots. — EDIT: J.F.
Polaris shimmers. That's enough for now. This is as far as Alan has gotten. They can't make anymore edits because the Writer doesn't know where the story goes from here. He'll have to take the threads left and weave them in from this point on. However, Polaris has a suggestion. She shifts.
Jesse frowns and makes one more note.
Ask for Saga's help to finish the ending. — EDIT: J.F.
For a moment, she simply sits there with the manuscript in her lap.
Then, she neatly places it back in order and sets it to his other side so he can go through it when he has the strength. Physically and mentally. The story is a monster, and he's been fighting with it for so long by himself. Do her little suggestions really help that much for his mind?
She lifts a hand to rest on his cheek. Their eyes meet and Jesse leans in to kiss him again. A gentle one with enough pressure to simply let him know she's there. She'll be here in some way or fashion for him, even when she's forced to go back home to their reality.
« This is the first time I've really kissed him... isn't it? When he's wide awake. » ]
no subject
For the briefest of moments, he focuses on the humming, the resonance from Polaris. Of course he knows that she and her receiver are talking. They probably always talk. Or it's more like a running commentary, a give and take between the two. He doesn't want to interrupt, but this is important.
Polaris, if you can hear me... please take care of her. I know you always do; I want to help too, but I just can't right now. I won't be there to help in the way I wish I could.
He has to stop or his emotions really will spill over, and he can't let that happen right now. It doesn't matter how raw inside he feels, or how much he dreads it when their respective circumstances finally pull them away from each other. If he's bleeding inside now, it's nothing compared to how he'll feel when she steps through that door and goes back to reality where she belongs.
Alan's eyes close then as Jesse reads. He doesn't want to see her reactions as she reads the story. There'll be a look of horror, he's certain. Horror, disgust, fear... she might even throw down the manuscript and refuse to read more. He wouldn't blame her for that in the least. How many times has he wanted to do just that? To throw it away, to tear it apart. His edits have changed it, but he couldn't go as far as destroying it. Once made, the story has to be used as written.
How can I use this? I have to use it, I know that, but how? What ending will satisfy the terms of the story and bring it to an end in a way that gets everyone what they want? I can't see it, I can't see the ending. Scratch isn't how he was, in the draft that didn't work. I can't burn him out with a film and flood lamps. That won't work this time. What do I do? What the hell do I do?
I can't think. I don't know what to do. What if this story never ends?
He very nearly groans aloud again but he just barely manages to hold it in. He doesn't want to worry her more than he already has.
I want to be there for her, to be there with her, but I can't see a way out. What if there never was a way out? I'll never be free. I lost the plot.
While Jesse's reading and making her notes, Alan's head has slipped forward into his hands. He doesn't remember moving his hands, but he just sits there, head in hands.
Some hero I am. I never was a hero. Saga and Jesse, they're the heroes. They could finish this in no time at all, if they were the ones in this position instead of me. What was I thinking? I should have known then that I'd never be free.
His hands fall away from his head again when he registers her putting the manuscript to the side. He's still exhausted, still hurt, but he can't stay like this forever. There's work to do. There's no time for him to be like this. There's no time for the thoughts that sound dangerously close to how he sounds when he's drowning. He can't drown. Not anymore. Not now. Jesse stopped him from drowning. Saved him. He can't go back and dive into the water again.
I won't.
She places her hand on his cheek, and his eyes, tired look and all, shift to lock with hers. He's awake. Not asleep. Not drowning. If she's gone tomorrow, or whatever passes as tomorrow in this place, he wants to remember this. He doesn't want to remember drowning, or being asleep, or being lost. He wants to remember her. How her hand on his face feels. How her lips on his lips feels.
He might not have much strength in him right now, but he has just enough to lean into the kiss. I'm really going to miss this. I'll miss her. ]
no subject
Both hands settle on the sides of his face. She presses the kiss further into him as he leans forward. Magic kisses that wake princesses don't exist, so she doubts it would give him strength. It may not even be comforting to him anymore. She feels as if he's so far away despite being next to her and being awake.
« Why does it feel like nothing I do helps? He's awake now. He's himself. But, it feels worse than ever now. Like it's hopeless--like he's hopeless. Has he given up on the story? On us? Me and you. Me and him. »
Her forehead presses to his. ]
I know... that I'm not the greatest at any of this. At words... at people... at being with someone. [ Jesse's gaze drops from his. She frowns hard, eyebrows coming together as she tries to lock her emotions down. ] I hear everything you say. Everything you tell me. When you speak, or when you send messages on the Hotline, or even in the manuscript pages. I listen to everything. Even if--even if I don't know what to say or what to do to show that.
[ Her eyes close as her fingers curl against his beard. ] I want you in the room with me. You can help me ....a-and I'll get you through anything you need. So, don't give up yet.
Please.
[ Forehead presses to his once more before she kisses him again. ]
no subject
I'm awake, but I'm still lost. Still in the dark. But that shouldn't be a surprise. I'm not out, I'm just... myself. How long has it been since I could say that? It doesn't matter. What matters is that she woke me up. Jesse helped me wake up. That's what I need to focus on.
He can't explain the feeling that's stirring inside him, but it's a feeling of warmth, of being alive. The Dark Place is cold and harsh and completely devoid of warmth, but as Alan rests in the light, he feels himself starting to warm up a little at a time. Life is slowly coming back to him, and maybe it'll be stolen away from him again soon enough, but for right now, he's clinging stubbornly to it. ]
Jesse, stop. You're- [ He pauses, surprised at the sudden strength in his voice. It's not complete, as he's still very tired, but he sounds stronger than he did just a few minutes ago. ] You're everything. You're strong, and beautiful, and you don't have to be anything but you.
[ He loves the girl from Ordinary. He loves the girl who became the Director. But he knows he loves the girl the most. He loves Jesse, knowing that the titles, the powers, it's all part of her. It all makes up the girl from Ordinary who's anything but ordinary. But he likes it when he gets to see that girl, when she decides that she trusts him enough to let him see her. ]
I- [ If they're confessing things to each to each other, even if that's not what Jesse's intending to do here, there's only one thing Alan can say. He's listening to her, of course, hearing everything she's telling him. But he knows what he needs to say in return. ] I love you. I love when you let me see the you beneath the Director. I love you as the Director, but I love... I love you when you're being you.
[ He's aware that he's rambling, but he wants to emphasize the fact that he really loves who she is apart from the Director. Maybe the two parts of her are so closely intertwined now, but he thinks he can still see the difference.
The longer he talks, the stronger he feels. That feeling of hopelessness seems to be fading the more he talks. His eyes close too, but not because of exhaustion. Strangely, that seems to be fading to the background too as he slowly begins to feel more like himself.
His lips turn up into a smile as he feels her fingers curling against his beard. For reasons he hardly understands, he likes how that feels, to have her touching his face, his beard, wherever she decides to place her hands. ]
I'm not giving up. Maybe I was before, but- I won't. I'm not.
[ I have to remember this somehow. I don't want to go back to sleep. Will I remember this when she finally leaves? I don't care what I have to do, I need to remember this... Please let me remember this.
He leans into the kiss again, and he returns it, almost hungrily, with a feeling of need he didn't know he was capable of having. Maybe the deeper the kiss and the more they give into their passions, the better the odds are of him remembering this. Maybe. He hopes he manages to hold onto something from this, somehow. ]
no subject
The plan was not to do confessions. She only wanted him to know what she felt she failed at sharing--and continues to fail at sharing. Though, it seems that Alan wants to return the notion. Not that she thinks he fails at expressing anything. Master wordsmith, author, writer, best selling novelist. They all mean the same thing: he can express himself. He's the exact opposite of her.
« How can he stand someone so opposite of him? »
That vulnerable and flustered look comes to her eyes.
I love you when you're being you. I'm not giving up. Maybe I was before, but- I won't. I'm not.
It makes her heart pound faster. Part of her worries that in the turn of a hat he'll be back to talking about giving up, or being too tired, and she has no idea how to keep him steady on one emotional path. Maybe there is no real way to do it and she's just hoping against something out of his control. It could be the scars left on him from the Dark Place.
She'll keep trying regardless. She doesn't give up on people.
This kiss she returns with absolutely no hesitation, unlike before when she stepped into the Writer's Room. His level of hunger is only matched by her own. The notions are not unfamiliar to her as they've experienced it before. Though, it may feel different for him now that he's awake. She can feel the difference in how he moves. He's quicker, more attentive, aware. It causes a particular shiver to move up her spine.
Part of her wants to lean into the kiss to the point where she is the one resting against him. Using him as support--as he wants to be for her. He's not strong enough to yet. She has to be the pillar of strength still. Around one constant they revolve.
It just makes her own need and hunger in the kiss grow. ]
no subject
He never meant for any of this to happen; he never meant for Saga to be swept up in it, or to have her family threatened by the darkness. Casey wasn't supposed to be drawn into the story either, and whether or not the two FBI agents were pulled in because of Alan or because the Dark Place took control and wrote the story instead of him, he won't let himself dodge what is clearly his responsibility to fix.
But he'd be lying if he said that the support and care Jesse's given him is part of what's keeping him going. She doesn't have to even actively help with fixing the story. Just being there with him like she has helps. After all, he's awake now because of her. He's certain he wouldn't have achieved that on his own.
He feels he has to thank her, but how can he do that? He kisses her again, leaning into it with all the strength he can manage, because it's not just that he wants to kiss her. He wants to be the pillar of strength for her too, even though, more often than not, he's hardly in the position to be anything resembling strength. Maybe when he's fighting off Taken, but what about the rest of the time?
It's hard to explain why he feels inadequate when compared to Jesse, but- those feelings remain however hard he tries to shake them off. So instead of dwelling on them, he circles his arms around her and tries to summon up enough strength to pull her in, closer to him. He doesn't trust himself yet to not topple over if she leans against him too much, but he wants to at least try. ]
no subject
She presses her forehead to his as the kiss comes to an end. She slowly opens her eyes, searching his to see what to do next. She's edited what she thinks she can. He probably has certain pages that he wants her to look at. They need to get to work.
Part of her, however, just wants to sink into his arms.
That part of her that is reeling from seeing Saga fire a bullet into his head. The part that broke down sobbing at seeing his dead body hit the beach. It was hard enough to see Dylan be taken away; to see Ordinary turned on its head. It was horrifying to see Hedron die and feel that she had lost Polaris forever. Nothing else has felt like the Hiss clawing into her head and forcing her to be apart of them, erasing her down bit by bit. Seeing Alan die though... suddenly, with no way to stop it? She felt powerless. Horrified. Scared. Broken. Every single moment she's lived through wrapped up in one bullet hitting it's target.
She's not angry at Saga, she doesn't hate the woman. It all makes sense. A sick twisted sort of sense that only this horror story could produce. A single bullet from the hero to kill the monster inhabiting the person who too should be a hero. Jesse can't hold anything against Saga for it.
Maybe that's the worst part.
Her gaze drops before her eyes close once more and she presses her forehead to his. He doesn't need to know how much it's hurt. It'll just make him feel worse about the story. Worse about putting them back in. For now, it might just be best to be silent until he's ready to speak again. ]
no subject
But then, he decides that maybe she doesn't have to tell him. He'd prefer it if she did, but maybe whatever it is that's bothering her doesn't have to be spoken about. Maybe it's for the best that it isn't, even though he'd rather hear it so he can help shoulder the load. And considering how all of this horror originates with him, it's even more reason for him to feel responsible.
He won't dodge the responsibility for it, when everything about this is his fault. Finally, he decides to throw caution to the winds. He's never been the most cautious man, and he doesn't want to be that right now.
He might pay for this later, or the Dark Presence might stop him, but he's not thinking about that. All he's thinking about is Jesse. She's worth any fight, any discomfort... she's worth everything. Muscles protest and joints start to ache, but Alan refuses to pay them any mind. Jesse deserves a partner who can be strong for her even when things are hard, and he's resolved to be that partner, whatever it takes.
His arms curl around her more, in what he hopes is a protective, supportive embrace. It takes some work to keep the strain out of his voice, but he thinks he manages it as well as possible. ]
Jesse. [ His eyes are still locked on hers as he chooses what to say. He has to choose the right words, or she might close herself off from him. He doesn't want that. He wants to help her like she's helped him. Apologizing for what he's put her through will push her away. She's told him in so many words that she doesn't want his apologies. She wants him to stop saying he's sorry, even though he is.
He slides a hand against her face, using the other one to both hold her and to ground himself, and he quietly asks: ] What is it? I can tell something's bothering you. Whatever it is, you can tell me.
no subject
Jesse raises her eyes to his once more once he speaks her name. Her eyebrows knit together for a brief moment before glancing down again. It's not only a matter of not wanting to share it--how does she? How can she put it into words? Alan operates on words, she operates on actions.
She leans into his hold and is silent for a stretch of time. Hopefully he can read her and tell that it's not that she's avoiding answering him. It's a matter of trying to answer him in a way that makes sense and won't lead to her crying.
Again. ]
Don't die again. [ A short phrase, but she's not sure she can put it into something else without her voice breaking--without her breaking down. ] I don't want... I shouldn't ask you for anything else in the story. Make demands. But--if you do, then...
[ « Then "us" being in the story doesn't matter. This won't matter. He'll be dead in reality and there won't be an "us." It'll just be someone else I let down. Someone else I failed. I can't save everyone, but, why can't I save the people that matter most? »
Jesse just shakes her head at herself before turning her head away with a frown. Berating herself for even saying it. He asked, but, she shouldn't have said it. He's done enough by putting a loop hole in for them to even happen. She shouldn't ask for him to make further changes. Not when he has to accommodate for so much already.
Then, a slight shift in the Writer's Room. One that only Alan could pick up on.
Two orbs of opposite colors appear. Once they align?
A vision.
A silhouette of a woman appear, as it's always in such a way. Standing in what looks like a cave with red sand. A large pillar is in front of her.
『 Head of Bureau Operations. The Hiss got in. The Foundation is overrun. I was out of time and out of options. I took all the C4 I could get my hands on and strapped it to the Nail. Boom.
Two birds, one bomb. Christ, what a mess. But I stopped the Hiss. I did it. If Faden did her part then the Bureau is safe, until the next thing. 』
The woman fades and reappears further in the Writer's Room, gun on her shoulder, head tilted up toward the pillar.
『 Jesse has good reason to hate the Bureau. But that could be what we need right now. She won't follow the same path, won't fall into the same traps. She'll lead her way. 』
She fades once more, facing the door. The letters of "FBC" can be seen on her back.
『 So, Director Faden, here's my last lesson:
You can't save everybody. 』
The light around the woman turns a brilliant red. Muttering can be heard filling the room as the silhouette turns black. The woman begins to glow an eerie blood red.
『 You are a worm through time. The thunder song distorts you. Happiness comes. White pearls, but yellow and red in the eye. Through a mirror, inverted is made right. Leave your insides by the door... 』
The vision folds in on itself and disappears. ]
no subject
He doesn't say anything, and he doesn't move. He doesn't expect her to answer before she's ready. He just stays where he is, arms around her and holding her as close to him as he can manage.
Finally, she says what's troubling her, and Alan feels his face fall. It makes sense now. Maybe it should have always made sense. He should have known how that would have affected her. Didn't her own death nearly destroy him too? It's certainly something he refuses to talk about to anyone.
Can I guarantee that I won't die again? Can I promise her that? What if I break that promise? She'll never trust me again. That's what I'm afraid of. ]
You can ask me for anything that you want, and I'll do my best to put it in. I mean that. And- and I'll do my best to not die again. [ I know that I can't guarantee that. I shouldn't tell her that. But as long as it's in my power to avoid, I'll do what I can. ]
You could demand everything. The entire world, even, and I would try to get it for you. If there's anything I can do about it, you won't lose me so easily.
[ At least, not to death. But then again, sometimes, the things the Dark Presence does feels like a fate worse than death. I won't say that to her, though.
He's about to say something else, but then he stops, having seen that strange shift in the room, followed by the appearance of the two oppositely colored orbs. He knows this. He's seen this before. When the orbs line up, he sees things. Visions. This time is no different.
I don't know this woman. I don't think I do, anyway. Wait, she's talking.
Alan goes quiet as he listens, and as he does, his confusion only rises. ]
What the hell? C4? Damn, she wasn't messing around. But what's the Nail?
[ At first, Alan doesn't realize he's even asked those questions aloud, but too late, he realizes what he's done. ]
Are you seeing this too? Who is that?
[ He quiets again as the woman in the vision reappears and talks more, this time about Jesse. Alan listens with rapt attention, taking in what she has to say. And when she reappears again and says what is apparently her last lesson, Alan stiffens.
No, he knows that not everyone can be saved, but... That doesn't mean you stop trying. Except, he can't shake the feeling that maybe in this story, he's the one who doesn't get saved. He's certain Jesse would reject that idea, but even the mysterious woman said it. Not everyone gets to be saved.
But it isn't until the scene shifts and the woman turns a shade of red that horror strikes Alan like a ton of bricks. The silhouette changes, but then she glows red again just seconds later. And then the words come, and Alan freezes in place. Jesse can most likely see that he's gone stiff. Rigid. He knows those words.
He pulled them out of a shoebox. What happened to the strange woman? Something tells him she wasn't one of those who got saved.
A second passes, followed by another, and Alan rubs his face with his hand. ]
What the hell...
no subject
She glances at him sadly.
« No, I can't ask him to do more. We need to do something on our own. Look at what all the stress has done to him. Stress about what he feels he needs to change, what Saga demands, what everyone else says. No, he wrote a page, and we can find a way from there. »
A faint smile is given instead. Alan can only do what he can. He's a human, not some god of reality like everyone thinks he is. They don't seem to understand the depth of it all. How intricate it is. Maybe because they've never interacted with an entity of another reality before. She happens to have one living in her head.
Jesse glances over to where his gaze has gone when he speaks. C4. The Nail. She can't see what he is seeing, but she can take a guess. How Marshall is communicating or how Alan can even see it is beyond her. She still doesn't fully understand his powers, but, Alan doesn't either.
The waits until he is done speaking and his attention wanders back to her. Jesse looks down, eyes drifting to the side. Shit. ]
Marshall. Head of Operations under Trench. I... found her and the rangers she was with in the Oldest House during the lockdown. She left at one point to take care of something. I didn't hear from her again until I went deeper on request of the Board. And, what I heard of her was over the Hotline.
[ Her eyes narrow slightly. He'll probably start putting even more pieces together why meeting him meant so much. Seeing someone who was alive and human who could use the Hotline. ]
The Nail is... really classified. It's a key component of the Oldest House. Without it... things don't stay in place. Dimensions leak into our reality. Marshall blew it up trying to keep it from being corrupted by the Hiss. But, her protective... shield that Polaris uses broke. She was overrun by the Hiss... and I had to put down what was left of her.
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They're the constants that he's scared to lose. But he figures that one day, Tim will have found his way back home, and he won't hear that familiar humming when he's out wandering through the city. And as for Jesse, he's terrified of losing her when he's only just found her. Maybe one day, he'll wake up and find out that all of this was a dream, and he only imagined everything they shared together.
I need to protect her. I don't know how I can, when protecting people isn't how things work in a horror story.
Alan's mind is off and running down paths that might lead nowhere, but he knows there's more he needs to do whether she asks it of him or not.
Can I do something to make things brighter? To chase away the darkness? It can't be obvious, because it never can. But maybe if I weave it in subtlely, the story won't notice. I have to do something.
That stress that Jesse worried about in her thoughts is evident again in Alan's frame and posture. He spends so much time worrying and fretting and trying to shift the story in ways that lets him do what he needs to. What other people need him to. Even if Jesse never asked him to do anything, he'd still be worrying about it.
It's a never ending fight to outsmart the Dark Presence. But the Dark Presence has the edge. It's relentless, and never gets tired. Alan does get tired. He's not relentless, but he's forced to be. He's forced to work through the exhaustion to keep fighting back.
It'll be worth it in the end when I save everyone.
Of course, none of this is important now. What he just saw is of more importance. And naturally, Jesse deduced what he saw based on his accidental commentary. As always, he listens with rapt attention. There's still so much he doesn't know about the FBC and the struggles they've faced as well, some of which were because of Alan's own actions.
He's listening, and he's understanding, but the shifting expressions on his face suggests that he doesn't like what he's hearing. "You can't save everybody," Marshall said. Ironic, when she herself wasn't saved. But that isn't what troubles Alan.
Maybe he didn't directly cause the problems with the Hiss, and maybe Hartman would have been confronted by the FBC eventually. But if he hadn't meddled in things that he hardly understood, maybe Marshall would still be alive. Maybe the agents who died in the fights with Hartman and the Hiss would still be alive. He can't know that with any degree of certainty, but it feels like all of them are casualties of his meddling.
Maybe Casey's right. I use people like pawns and I don't stop to think how it hurts them. From where I'm standing, Jesse and the rest of the FBC should want me contained. ]
So if the Hiss weren't a problem, or at least, if they weren't as large of a problem, Marshall wouldn't have felt like she had no other choice, right?
[ Why does it always boil down to desperate people who felt they had no other options? ]
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Jesse pauses.
Then, she moves to sit in his lap and rest against him entirely.
« Hopefully he'll say if it's too much. Maybe not with words, but something else I can pick up on. » ]
Maybe. I don't... I don't know. I think. Maybe. [ Jesse sighs and closes her eyes. ] Trench's entire management team is gone. Darling, Head of Research, is... who knows where. He exposed himself entirely to Polaris's resonance and just... I don't know. Ascended? Sure, ascended. Tommasi became a part of the Hiss. Trench was taken out by himself or the Board, I guess. Salvador was a Hiss. Marshall... became one too. Anyone who knew how Trench operated the Oldest House and the Bureau just. Gone.
Meaning it's been a brand new slate. Sort of. Trench burnt a lot of bridges as the Hiss burrowed in deeper. Most people don't expect a Director who is hands on like me. [ She sighs and presses her cheek into his shoulder. ] Sorry. This isn't about me. It shouldn't be about me.
[ She pauses.] Emily is my Head of Research, she was sort of Darling's protégé. My first... real friend in a long, long, long time. She'll want to meet you when we get you home. And, I'll make sure she doesn't poke you with science things. [ She glances up with a small smile. ] You'd like Arish. He and Steve are very similar.
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So many people gone, just like that. [ It's reminding him of the story and the casualties that have happened so far. And whether he likes it or not, they'll only continue. ] But if you're starting over with a clean slate, that should mean you can direct things to be how you'd like them to look. [ But that also means that she doesn't have much guidance, if any at all. It sounds to Alan that Jesse's been given a monumental task to work with. ]
Why shouldn't it be about you? [ In all honesty, Alan's tired of it being about him. About the story. It's a spotlight he doesn't want. Maybe he never wanted it. ]
I'd like to meet her too. [ He shrugs. ] I expect to be questioned and poked and prodded. [ And locked up, although I know what she'll say about that. ] I want to meet all your friends.
[ He knows he wants to do more than simply meet them, but he's wary about getting too far ahead of himself. He's still not out, and who knows when he will be. There's no point in making plans until then. ]
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« It's... been a while. A lot has happened. I knew I never wanted to go back to how life was before. Now, I know I can't. Not if it means losing you, Dylan, Alan. I won't go back to that. I won't let anyone try to make me that person again. Alien entities, the story, Alan. »
She leans against him more and her eyes close. Polaris still comes through her like gentle waves, but it feels soothing to even Jesse as they sit under the light.
« He has to come home. We have to find a way to save Saga's daughter. » ]
I've made sure the Buearu is more humanized. We don't take people away and lock them up. Not without helping...
[ Jesse's eyes snap open as she feels a sudden shift in the room. It's only half a second more before she's pulled away and spun around to br anchored by her knee. Polaris shimmers, but it doesn't seem to be hostile. Not that Jesse is leaving it up to chance. Her hand raises in a blink of an eye with the Service Weapon in hand.
In the exact same moment, a man appears in the Writer's Room. Shorter than Alan, dirty blonde hair jean jacket. He turns to face the two and gives a smile at Alan. ]
Hey, Alan. It's probably been awhile for you, huh? Maybe not. [ Tim Breaker then turns his gaze to the woman who has the gun made of blocks. ] Jesse.
[ Jesse's eyes narrow. ]
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He just wants to sit under the light and hold onto Jesse, but it seems that their time is up, at least for now. He feels Jesse tense and sees her eyes snap open, and suddenly he's on alert too. She's abruptly pulled away from him, and he startles when he sees the gun suddenly materializing in her hand.
With warning bells going off, Alan clambers to his feet just in time for the familiar man to appear in the room. ]
What the hell? How did- [ Last time he checked, Tim didn't even know anything about the Writer's Room, let alone how to get there. ]
Tim? What are you doing here? [ I guess he can say he found the redheaded woman... but I still don't know why he's here. ]
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She stands between the two men, Service Weapon pointed up, making sure its obvious that she is protecting him. Whoever "Tim" is? He'll need to get through her to get to Alan. ]
Well, it's a long, long story. One you'll be seeing a lot of once you're out of here. [ Tim offers a smile. ] Like I said, Alan. It gets better in the end. But... I'm here for Jesse.
Excuse me? [ The blocks on the Service Weapon tremble as if they charge to fire. « Alan may know him, but I don't. He's not taking me anywhere. I'm staying right here. It took us THIS long to reach him... » ] I'm not going anywhere.
[ Tim sighs. ] Yeah. I had the feeling. Thing is? None of us get a choice in this, Jesse. We need to go before it shows up.
[ « It? »
Then, Jesse can sense what Tim is talking about. A rumbling in the depths of the ocean of darkness outside. The call of the waves. The storm cloud is coming back. Jesse takes a half step backwards, hand reaching back to curl around Alan's tweed jacket.
« He's coming with us then. If this guy can get out? He's taking both of us. Alan's coming home. »
Tim frowns slightly. His gaze shifts to Alan behind the determined red head. They both know the truth: Alan can't leave this way. Not yet. "Return" has to be stopped before Alan can go home. Otherwise there won't be a home to return to. Well, there will be, but it would be one under Scratch and the Dark Presence. ]
Look, I was given very precise instructions on when to get here and why. That's why I'm here. We don't have time to waste.
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He watches as Jesse moves to stand between him and Tim, feeling resignation fall over him like a cloak landing on his shoulders. If Tim's here, it's not just to say hello. ]
If I get out of here. [ He knows he needs to believe in it for himself, as Jesse keeps reminding him. But the path in front of him is long and winding, and winds back on itself, so he really has a hard time not doubting that what he wants will ever become reality. ] I figured. As much as I want you to stay, Jesse, you can't. Not forever.
[ He smiles a sad sort of smile when she protests, stating that she's not leaving. He watches how the gun in her hand moves as if responding to her upset. He knows that she'll argue and try to hold her ground, but the truth is, Tim's right. It's not safe for her here. It's not safe for Tim either, but Alan's still trying to find a way to send him home too. Somehow.
But just like that, Alan can sense the same thing Jesse's picking up on. Oh no... The darkness is stirring, rumbling, coming closer. Alan feels a spike of fear shoot through him. He really still is afraid of the dark even all these years later. He's terrified of the darkness carving him out again, pushing who he is down and burying him beneath dark waves. If it's going to happen, he doesn't want Jesse or Tim here to see it. Jesse's already seen it, but she doesn't need to see it again. Neither does Tim.
His expression having turned grim, Alan's gaze shifts to meet Tim's. He knows that truth; he's always known it. That doesn't mean he likes it, but there's no choice. No point in arguing. Jesse won't accept that, of course. ]
I know. You're right. He's right, Jesse. You... you have to go.
[ It hurts to have to say those words, and Alan feels his posture drop as his shoulders slide forward. He doesn't stop it, because while he could put on a brave face and look unbothered, it would be a lie. It's unavoidable; they have to go, but he hates it. He hates it with everything he has. ]
I'll see you again sometime. And I know I'll run into you again, Tim. [ He puts on the biggest smile that he can manage and forces himself to straighten up again. Now he has to put on that brave face, and he'll do it as best as he can. ]
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« How can I leave him knowing that? He needs us. Maybe you more than me, but, I can't. I won't. Having to wait for Dylan is enough. » ]
Sorry, man. [ Tim apologies with everything he can. Given his point in time? He knows how close the two are. This isn't something he particularly wants to do. He's here to help his friend even if that friend can't see the road down the way just yet. ] For what it's worth? I can say it's not forever.
[ Jesse's green eyes narrow further at Tim. She can tell he's trying to smooth this over, but there's nothing to debate in her mind. Either she stays or Alan leaves with her. If he needs to fix the story? Then she'll stay to help that. Time doesn't match what it does in their reality to the Dark Place, right? That means she can do what she can until the story is fixed and the loops stop. If they can't stop the loops inside them? This is the next best option.
Not that she gets to argue any of those points, because Alan is saying "good-bye" in so many words. The Service Weapon remains pointed at the former Bright Falls Sherrif even as her green eyes immediately snap to Alan's gray ones. Her head barely turns, but it's enough to see the raging storm of, well, everything, in her look. ]
What?! No. No! [ Her tone is pointed like a weapon and sharp. ] You asked us to come here to help! I am not going to leave you here. It doesn't matter what either of you say! This is my decision!
[ Tim pauses in his half-step towards the two. He can't necessarily argue with Jesse's core point. The decisions are being made for her. He can't say he likes the idea of it all himself. There's not much he can do in the situation himself. He's tied to the events as much as she is. As much as Alan is. He just hasn't played that card yet.
Jesse lowers the Service Weapon in order to turn to Alan properly. ]
You can't just expect me to come when you need me then leave when you want! Why do you ask for me to help then tell me to leave?! I'm not some chess piece or toy for either of you to move me around as you want! If you're making me go, then this time, you're coming with me!
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Her words slam into him, feeling like punches landing, but he doesn't flinch, at least not outwardly. His gaze falls, and his hands clench into fists, as if the action will further steel him in preparation for what's coming. He knows nothing could ever prepare him, but he has to at least try.
The storm in Jesse's eyes might as well be a real storm, as he feels the force of it slam against him too when she fixes her eyes on his. He has no arguments to give, because she's right. But Tim's also right. He's right in believing she can't stay forever, regardless of what he wants.
He finally speaks, and his tone is quiet. ] I'm being an asshole again, aren't I? I'm taking away your right to decide.
[ Even if it's not him in this moment making that decision. He's using what he's learned of this place and the way nothing about it is linear to tell him that the Tim in this room isn't the same Tim he keeps meeting in random places throughout the Dark Place. He can't know where exactly he's from, but he knows something. He knows more than Alan does at this exact moment.
Jesse finally turns to him, and he forces himself to keep meeting her gaze. ]
Jesse, you- You have helped me. [ Alan's tone somehow remains level, even though something inside him feels like it's breaking. And this time, he's not sure he can put it back together. ] You helped me even though I don't deserve it. I- [ He feels himself start to waver, but he doesn't want that to sound in his voice. Some of it leaks through anyway in spite of himself. ]
Do you think that I want to keep doing this? Keep calling you for help and then making you leave? I don't want you to go. [ It's just going to get harder, isn't it? If this keeps happening... maybe I should just stop. Not stop writing, but stop calling to her. Would that be better?
His hands shake with the effort it's taking him to remain as calm as he can be, even though everything inside him is anything but calm. His gaze shifts to Tim's for a moment. ]
I'm guessing you can't tell us what those instructions you were told are. [ Would it help her understand? Maybe not. But maybe it would. ]
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The moment he asks that question, Jesse feels all of the raging emotions simmer. They don't disappear, but they lessen, as she finds it hard to even be angry with him when he acknowledges why she's upset. When this whole thing started? It was easier. When she didn't remember how much she loved him? It was easier. Now, all she feels is a different upset fill her. She knows exactly what that upset is and she doesn't want to name it. Naming it gives it more power and she needs that drive in something else right now.
Even if that upset hurts so much.
Her expression scrunched up. Has she really helped him at all? She pulls him out of the waters and he is always pulled back in. Nothing she does seems to keep him afloat. Not even coming into the Dark Place feels like it's helped now. Will he even remember all this happened? Will he realize the edits on the manuscript? Will he just stare at her name written all over this draft of Initiation and wonder who she is?
« If we're the only thing keeping him afloat, then we can't leave. You can't take the raft away from a drowning man. He won't survive. We can't leave. I can't leave. I'll keep fighting the Dark Presence for him. So he can write the ending he needs.
I don't let people down anymore. I don't fail them. I don't leave them behind. Never again. »
Her balled hand in his jacket tugs as if to make the point further. He either comes with her or she stays. Those are the only two options she'll allow to play out.
Tim frowns at Alan's question. Where does he begin? A sigh follows before reaching into his jean jacket. He holds up a piece of paper, a familiar one that has gone through a typewriter.
The back of the page faces the other two in the room as Tim really doesn't want to play this card. He had only intended to leave it behind for Alan once he did what the page said. That's still his plan. Jesse is just trying to make her own path, like she always does, and fight the story. Even if this time it's in her best interests to not fight. ]
You gave it to me. Well, will give it to me now, I guess. Said I'd know what it means and when to use it. Guess that time is now. [ Tim speaks gently as he can tell the charged emotions in the room. It's never been hard to tell how much Alan loves Jesse. Now he can see it on the other end. ] I can't ... really say much. But, even if it breaks the rules? It's going to work out. The loops are going to end. You just have to get to that end you both want.
[ Jesse doesn't take her eyes off Alan. Hearing what Tim has said hasn't changed her mind. It's made her more determined to stay. She channels her energy into the floor to root herself in the Writer's Room. ]
I'm not leaving.
Jesse--
--I'm not leaving you in the dark again! [ Jesse shouts at both of them, even with her eyes still on the writer and the words aimed at him. Scratch's story. Anything listening. A slight shake of her head, causing the curled strands to shift against her face. ] I don't care what "Initiation" says. Or "Return" or whatever other story, I'm not going!
[ Tim's gaze raises from the two as he heads a sound. It's not familiar to him, but he knows immediately what it is. Footsteps from the beyond the door. Not at the door, but walking towards it. A scratching sound that follows it. He knows they're really out of time now.
Jesse really does know how to burn away time for her own path.
He's suddenly behind Jesse. The former Sheriff wraps both of his arms around her and locks her against him. Jesse is immediately pushing against him, pulling, trying to fight him off. Tim looks straight at Alan and nods to the page on the floor. ]
Put it somewhere safe where you're going to find it and remember it. You need to give it to me. [ Tim nods firmly again. ] Sorry, Alan. Really, I am.
Get off of--[ Jesse's bright green eyes jump back to Alan's as a panicked look fills them.] Al--...
[ His name is cut off as she and Tim disappear. The Writer's Room falls silent again as if the other two and never been there. The glowing manuscript page rests on the floor where it was dropped. Beyond the door the scratching disgusting sound builds and frustration.
Scratch can't enter the room as long as the lights stay on. ]
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That doesn't make Alan feel better about any of this. Maybe the truth of the matter is, he has neither words nor actions to use at his disposal. Didn't he say once that the words were gone, that he needed new words but couldn't find them? Maybe he's just been deluding himself this whole time, thinking that he could write the right words to fix the story and use both words and actions to tell Jesse that she's helping him along the way.
Maybe all he's been doing is stringing both of them along. Maybe there is no saving him. But there has to be, doesn't there? Why else would he have sent Tim with directions to do... soemthing? But what is that something? Alan as he is right now hasn't the slightest clue what that is. Maybe the paper Tim's holding will tell him. He'll probably hate it, but it has to have a purpose. Tim certainly seems to believe it does. ]
What is it? Why would I give it to you and tell you to come here now? [ Alan frowns and his eyebrows furrow. He always knew Jesse couldn't stay forever, but the timing of Tim's arrival is hardly desirable, even though he knows it's not the other man's fault. It's probably not even his future self's fault, although Alan wishes he could have waited just a little bit longer.
... Although, in reality, he would have always wanted just a little bit longer. ]
I can't see how the loops are going to end. I know the ending that I- that we want, but I don't- Will we ever get to that end?
[ When the darkness drags Alan away and then spits him back out, it really feels like he'll never see that ending. He believes in it, of course, but he's unsure if he'll ever see it. ]
Jesse- [ He says her name too, echoing Tim unwittingly, but he breaks off before he can say more. Her resolve to stay with him, to not leave him in the dark... it hits Alan like a ton of bricks. He's fought so long, but he hasn't been alone. Jesse and Tim have both helped him countless times along the way, and he doesn't feel like he's alone.
But he has a feeling that if Tim takes Jesse now, he might not see her again for a long time. He won't be alone, because he'll have the memory of them, unless the Dark Presence rips it away from him again, but the writer's room will be quiet. Quiet except for the sound of his typing and his pacing the floorboards. They'll be gone.
Maybe it's for the best, though. The Dark Place isn't safe for anyone. It's not safe for him, but it's definitely not safe for either of them. It would be selfish of him to ask Jesse to stay. He won't ask that, not ever. He'll come home to her, one day, but he won't ask her to stay here with him.
Alan freezes when he hears the sound at the door. He knows what it means, and he knows what's coming. They don't need to be here to see it. If they're here when it's over, they'll be in danger. His hand clenches into a fist as he watches the two people he cares about most around here, the only friendly faces he's seen, other than Ahti the janitor. They have to go before this place tears into them too. ]
I'll keep it safe, Tim. You- you should go. [ Alan's voice wavers and he seems to pale visibly, but he doesn't react more than that. ] Jesse, I...
[ That breaking sensation only grows worse, but there's nothing he can do about it. He watches Tim wrap his arms around her, watches her pushing against him trying to break free. He knows she can't, not this time.
He raises a hand to reach for her, to maybe touch her one last time, but he's too far away, and... and just like that, Tim and Jesse vanish as if they were never there. The page that Tim dropped is still where it fell, but Alan hasn't moved to pick it up yet.
Alan's hand falls to his side, and he just stands there staring motionless at the place where his two friends were. ]
... Goodbye.
[ He says it to the empty room, and after a moment, knowing that eventually the scratching will stop and darkness itself will invade the room again, Alan grabs the page off the floor, crosses to the desk, and falls into the chair.
Alone again. His eyes scan the page, and a strange feeling of familiarity that does nothing to counter the sudden loneliness he feels takes hold of him as he reads the words written on it. ]
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[ Jesse's eyes widen slightly in worry at the Writer's paling face. The Dark Presence is coming back. She has to stay to help him. It's why he brought her here--to pull him out of the waters the Dark Presence pushes him under. There is a slightly shake of her head. She's not going.
She's staying here with him.
The next thing Jesse can truly register is the feeling and sounds of the Oceanview Motel.
The gentle music plays from some radio somewhere she can't truly ever locate. The lights are dimmed, as the connection to the Dark Place remains. Her own crazy wall is down the end of the hallway.
All Jesse can feel is numbness.
Tim gently unwraps his arms from her. He takes a step back. For a moment, Jesse simply stands where she is. The same spot she always shows up in before a loop begins. The same place the Light Switch Cord brings her.
The hallway filled with doors to places she can't reach.
She takes a half step, but finds herself crumbling down to her knees. Her hands catch her to help soften the blow. It's almost as if everything has been drained out of her at once. The constant fight against the Darkness within the Dark Place shows then, but her eyes are simply locked onto the floor of the Motel.
« I left him there. We left him there. After all of that... the show... everything... hes just THERE. Still. Stuck. What was the point of it?! What good is being awake going to do if its going to push him down again?! Why--why does this always happen? Why do I keep LEAVING people behind?! I'm supposed to be different now. I'm the Director! » ]
Jesse. For what it's worth? He's going to get out.
[ Jesse raises her eyes to Tim. He has moved past her and is standing up next to one of the chairs. In his hand is a dimly illuminated manuscript page, crumbled into a ball. Her eyebrows knit together. Alan... had left that page here. Hadn't he? He didn't want anyone to see it again. It... it was...
« Scratch. From the loop where he killed me. Why does "Tim" want it? » ]
Safe keeping. [ Tim's reacts almost as if he's heard her thoughts. ] I know Alan won't want to touch it at all. We can't risk someone or something getting a hold of it. So, I'll hang on to it now. Just like you keep holding onto the one he gave you. And... it might take a while, but, he'll come home, Jesse. I promise.
[ Jesse stares at the spot Tim stands even once he disappears as he had appeared in the room Alan remains trapped in. She shifts, leaning sideways until she hits a door. She leans entirely against it and closes her eyes. She doesn't need to see to know what door she's against. There's been plenty of shouting and pounding on it in hopes of somehow garnering the attention of the man on the otherside.
Jesse lowers her head and raises a hand to rest against the door. Then, her head leans against it too.
« I was supposed to bring him home. »
The manuscript rests in Alan's hands. Perfectly typed with no signs of edits or damage. Prestine. Everything on it happening as it should.