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synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
oceanview || ❝ hold hands with my demons and creatures of night. ❞
Someone who can hear me and drink from the light
To see things from the same side
Is there anybody out there?
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How did the last story end? You need to know that to write the next part, right? You never said how you got stuck in the Dark Place. Reports said you dove into...
[ « He dove into the lake. »
His hard expression makes sense then. The threshold closed after he dove and that's why he has to write himself out. A look of understanding comes into her eyes. ]
Sorry--I didn't, I didn't mean it like that. Just that I'd go into a Threshold to pull you out. So... okay. Got it. No lake. I'll find another way if I have to.
[ She returns the kisses with the same intensity, but fumbles slightly at it. There's so much she is trying to keep in control. Polaris wanting to amplify, her own emotions wanting to run away with the moment, and that desire to pull him in. Normally she can control everything. But, now, in this position, she finds she may need to let one or more of them go.
Polaris may be the guiding star for Jesse--but around one constant they all revolve. Her resonance beats into this reality like a heartbeat now thanks to her catalyst. Her catalyst cares, and so she will lend aid. Not only that, but Alan has been touched by not only Dark but Light. One resonance that amplifies her own--makes both stronger.
Her eyes open the moment he touches her hair. Her gaze locks onto his immediately. The worry and fear are in the back of her eyes that he noticed. Not only that he noticed, but he'll pull away. It was different when she just had thr connection to Polaris and she tried to open up. Now, she's the source of the resonance. People like her and Alan could notice. What if it's too much...? ]
Sorry, [ Her voice is soft, ] I--she's just... I mean. Sorry, I'm trying to keep it together... I don't know why she's...
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But even as he drifts away, words form and sound like a recitation that both of them know quite well by now, even if maybe the words are a little different. ]
...outside reality, what we count as real. [ If his hands weren't occupied by holding onto Jesse, they'd move to grip both sides of his head as they usually do when these unwanted thoughts seem to take hold. At least, this feels familiar in the worst way. Of all times for him to begin to spin out... ] They seeped in from the reality beyond. The mist. A caldera lake. Silence echoes. Loud. It's too late to hear the words. [ Stop this. I don't- I want this to stop. Why can't you leave me alone?
He doesn't even know who he's addressing with that desperate question. Maybe it's the voice in his own head that keeps on forcing him to recite words he's said before. How do you silence your own voice? ]
...stop. Just- stop. [ The words are mumbled to himself, not to Jesse. It's not her fault that he reacts like this when things set him diving off the deep end. ] Who is he? He doesn't himself know. Dark waves have washed it away.
[ He stiffens, although his frame is already quite rigid. ] Stay out of the lake. Don't- don't go into the water. [ It'll take her away too. I can't- I don't want to lose her. Don't take her away.
An image flashes into his mind again, but it's one he's never seen before, and never wants to see again: a redhead, wearing Jesse's clothes, diving into the lake. Alan gasps. His hands curl further around her as if reaching desperately once more for their lifeline. The image recedes, taking with it the words he feverishly recited. And just like that, Alan is himself again, but looking at Jesse through still-haunted eyes.
What he just experienced makes him want to hold onto her even tighter. He needs her, and he needs the brightness that Polaris makes happen. It's dark inside his head, but maybe Polaris and Jesse can help by bringing in a little illumination. His hands are shaking now, but he keeps holding onto her, keeps kissing her with even more desperation, if that's even possible. This isn't just him filling up the hunger inside him with contact with any old person.
It's fueled by desperation and need, but beneath that, there's love: a need to be loved and give it in return. ]
... Jesse. [ The way he says her name sounds breathless, but no less direct or sure. He needs her, but he doesn't want to drive her away with that need. He has to give her something in return. ] You- you don't have to keep it together. [ Trust me. Please. ] You can let go.
[ Let go, so that they can meet each other in the middle of it all. Two people bringing what they have to give to the other, to share it. He's noticed what Polaris is doing, as the resonance is all but impossible to ignore. Jesse is impossible to ignore. She pulls him in, and he wants to be pulled in. Will she pull away from him now? ]
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"YOU! You came in through the hole in you. We let you in! You've always been here, the only child. A copy of a copy of a copy of a copy--"
"STOP IT!"
What he recites is something she hasn't heard before. There's a slight curiosity in what he does say, even if more of a sense of fear grips her. Is there anything she actually can do for him? He can't have been taken like Dylan was by the Hiss. Dylan wanted the Hiss in--to be their amplifier. Alan doesn't. He doesn't want any of this. He didn't ask for any of this.
« All he wanted was to save his wife. He did, and now he's stuck like this. How can we do anything for him? You... can you cleanse him like we did Dylan? Is that possible? Or, do you not work against the Darkness like you do the Hiss? »
His hands shake and Jesse focuses back on him. Just like that, he's there with her again. Scared, haunted, but with her. Her eyebrows knit as it's clear on her face that she's worried. Scared for him. ]
I promise I won't go into the Lake. Okay? I swear. [ « I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--it wasn't meant like that. I should have realized sooner it was something not to say. Shit. Shit. It's my fault. Just like with Dylan. Shit. » ] We'll find another way to pull you up. I promise.
[ Polaris shimmers slightly as if agreeing.
He's kissing her again and this time she struggles to keep up with to answer that desperate need. Not only because of her own struggling to be in control, but, because she's trying to bring him back to her. It's all so much, even if Polaris shimmers to get her to let go of something. How can she? When she isn't in control, everything falls apart. She doesn't want this to fall apart.
Her gaze focuses on him once again as he speaks--more himself this time than anything. Haunted still, but at least it's not narration of a story or his own actions.
What he asks makes her swallow hard.
« I want to. How do I let him in? How do I let go of things like he's asking? We're supposed to be working to find a way to get him OUT. Now we're... but I want this. I want him. What he took away.
Just--don't. Don't put the poster back up once you've seen behind. »
She swallows again.
You can let go.
Her hands slide to his chest and gently push him up. Not away, because she is following right after him. She directs him against the wall to their side, hands still on his chest, as she slightly hovers over him. He is already in control of of all of it. The story, their fates, even when her dream ends. Maybe that's what she's trying to grab back. By refusing to let them go, she holds onto something. Not leverage, but, something of them.
She hesitantly moves to sit on his lap, but not entirely, as she hovers over him. Jesse swallows again before looking up into his gray eyes. A vulnerability is in her own eyes that she's trying to not hide.
You can let go.
Her own hands tremble as they rest on his shoulders. God, why is she doing this? Every time she does... ]
... don't freak out. Okay? [ « Please don't run away. Don't leave. Don't be scared of me. » ] And... just, if I'm going to--then don't hold back.
[ She hopes he understands what she means. Giving up control is placing herself in his hands and judgements. This moment is different than life of death. Instead, she's giving him control of her. This. Where they go from here.
Jesse kisses him again. It's timid, and slow, trying to see if what he said is true. If she really can trust him. The trembling hands move from his shoulders to each side of his face again as she deepens her kiss. She has to push down that need to direct and control, instead letting him decide the pace, movements, how far they go. If he has her sit down on him and erase the space between them again.
The lights flicker as they try to brighten. She's trying to let go. ]
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It wasn't Jesse's fault, and Alan knows it. He doesn't blame her for his reaction. His reactions are his own fault, the product of a mind that's terrified and in way over his head. If he can't get his fears under control, then how is he ever going to hope to write the story the way it needs to be written? He knows that he has to put himself and Jesse back in, the way they were before he cut them out.
If only he could just skirt the rules of how the story goes, and make the plotline be what he wants it to be: a man meets a girl. The man and the girl fall in love. The girl turns out to have been the hero all along, the driving force that keeps the man going. When the villain or demon shows up, the man and the girl blast him away with the largest light source in existence.
He did something like that before, once. It worked then, but it was only a temporary ending. It didn't destroy the demon for good. The demon will come back, and the man- Alan doesn't know what he'll do when he does.
Reason intervenes then and tells him that if he forces the story to go in ways that don't make sense, then the story has just as much of a chance of backfiring on him and seeing him trapped further... deeper beneath Cauldron Lake. But why can't it make sense? She wants this. I want it too. I love her, and she seems to love me, although part of me still doesn't understand why. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I keep falling apart. It's- [ It's ugly. Not something she should see. Not something anyone should see. Ugly, not functional. It serves no purpose. ]
The only way to do that is with the story. [ The story that he can't seem to figure out no matter what he does. The only thing he knows is that he'll never let anyone else near the lake just to save him. Saving him isn't worth the risk of seeing someone else pulled beneath the waves too.
Something nudges at his mind then; something telling him to say what might be an uncomfortable truth. He wants to reject it. Jesse most certainly will want to as well. But he needs to say it, so she at least knows it. Hears it. ] You should know- you need to know that if I can't write the story in the right way, if I can't write myself out of here... it's okay.
[ It sounds like he's giving up, but that's not what he means. In his mind, he's trying to give her permission to let him go, if it comes to that. ]
Even if I can't get out, you gave me something I wasn't looking to find. A connection. Togetherness. [ Love. ] I don't think I properly thanked you for that.
[ He doesn't deserve what she gave him, not when he wrote it and then ripped it out. Took that togetherness away from her. From them. But she's still here, still trying to help. Trying to keep him from giving up. It does mean a lot more to him than he could ever hope to put into words. ]
Maybe... maybe I can put us into the story, and give us the ending we both want. [ He's clinging to what feels like the last vestiges of hope, and he knows that he's dangerously close to letting go. But Jesse doesn't want him to let go. And more importantly, how can he do that to her?
He watches her, that haunted look in his eyes still present from the episode that's still far too recent for his liking. It might fade from his mind in time, but until it does, that uncomfortable, cold sweat feeling still clings to him.
But then she's pushing him up, and following after him until he's against the wall nearest them. She's hovering, and he still wonders how the hell she does that. Could she use what she can do to pull me out of here? No, I won't let her go anywhere near the lake. Not even to try it. It's dangerous for her too. I'm sure it is.
Her hands come to rest on his shoulders, and he looks at her, gray eyes meeting her blue-green ones. ]
I won't. I won't freak out. [ At least, not any more than I already am. Any more than I'm making myself freak out. Can she really trust me with this? Can I trust myself with anything?
But as soon as he asks that question of himself, he knows the answer is yes. He can trust himself with one thing: her. He can't let her down. Can't hurt her. But a time might come when he has to hurt both of them to do the right thing. He won't allow himself to think about that, however. They're not at that point yet. They're not even close.
His back arches slightly when she kisses him, responding immediately to her actions. He realizes now that he'd go all the way with her if she wanted to. And with that thought in mind, he reaches for her, hands resting on her forearms and giving a light tug. He wants her closer to him, even if she's only inches away. To have her closer means he can touch her and feel her and give the intimacy that they both seem to crave. ]
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[ « I can't see him go to pieces knowing it's my fault. If something else causes it? Then, that's fine. This? This was because of me and what I said. It's MY fault. »
Then, he implies it's okay to let him go.
Jesse finds herself shaking her head slightly. Her hair bounces off the sides of her face. He's going to find a way out. She'll help him, play her part, do what she's supposed to. Then... then maybe they'll have a chance to be real together. Like a weird couple trying to be normal is. Living together, having their jobs. Maybe he'd become a best selling novelist again. Maybe she can get the Bureau under order. There could be a happy ending--there has to be.
« No. Hell no. I'm not going to let him be stuck there. I looked for Dylan for SEVENTEEN years. I've been waiting for my baby brother to wake up for FOUR. I'm not going to let Alan be in the dark. I'm not going to let him suffer when I KNOW he's behind that door. » ]
You don't need to thank me because it wouldn't have happened without you writing. It's--I'm not letting you stay there forever. I'm helping you get out. No matter how many times you tell me not to, or that it's okay to leave you there? I'm NOT giving up.
[ « We found ways to help me remember in his story when I shouldn't. He should know I'm not going to let this go. I'm not going to let someone else I love disappear on me ever again. »
She follows his tug, easing against him. It would be nice to say it was practiced or habit, but, it's not for her. It's an awkward shift until she finds the right way to sit in his lap and not break their kiss. That familiar feeling comes back and soon the kiss moves from timid and uncertain to hungered. Her fingers brush along his beard.
How far had they gone in that loop? Why is she so desperate to be like this with him again? She knows they were close--how close she is still trying to figure out. ]
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He knew that when she realized what he was doing and saying, implying that it's all right to let him go, that she'd reject the idea entirely. No, it's not really all right with him, but if it comes about that there's nothing more he can do? Better to be resigned to it and prepared for it. If he can be prepared for it.
He wants that life with Jesse: a life with them sharing the same space, the same day-to-day. Coming home to the other, talking about their day (what can be shared of it, anyway) over dinner. It all sounds like a dream that he'd love to live. But the dream seems to be out of his reach. ]
I only wrote in the nudge and planted the idea. You took the rest and did what you wanted with it. If you'd turned around and told me to get lost, well- I wouldn't blame you. [ He offers her a smile that's genuine but just a little sad. ]
You've already helped me. You are helping me. You didn't leave when you found out how insane I am. [ How insane this place has made me. It means a lot that she stayed. I want to tell her I love her, but- I don't want to make things harder.
When she finds a way to sit that's comfortable for her and enables them to continue kissing, he slides his arms around her back, pulling her in a little closer to him. Her fingers brush against his beard, and that familiar shiver at the base of his spine begins again. It's only once, and it's slowly, as if he's asking if it's all right, but he rocks his hips upwards against hers, wondering what her reaction will be.
He's probably out of practice, but something about her (the connection, the loops, Jesse herself, whatever it is) makes him want to reawaken things he once could do effortlessly. To show her how much he loves her and desires her has suddenly claimed a good deal of his focus. He knows he should be trying to write the right ending, but- well... it seems that both of them have become a little distracted. ]
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[ Maybe that's the problem that she doesn't want to admit to--it's a dream. Dreams rarely come true, especially in the way that people want them to. She finally found Dylan and it was far from the reunion she had dreamed of for so long. She doesn't want to admit that this could turn out the same way, but it could very well turn out that way.
« It's not fair. » ]
All of this is insane, Alan. Why would I leave you to it? [ Jesse gently shakes her head again. ] I've lived that life. If I can keep someone else from living it? I will.
[ Still, what he says does make her gaze soften slightly. She's aware that he's communicating the fact that he's not alone--even if for a little while--and that has meant everything to him. The thing is, she doesn't want it to be for a little while. She wants this to continue on. It's selfish and maybe unrealistic, but it's only human to want something you care about.
Maybe this is part of getting him to the point to be able to write the right ending. Perhaps he needs to remember something human. How much has he forgotten about being just a person beyond the Spiral Door? Being the "hero" might be more complicated than she first thought. What part of "saving him" really is needed...?
Jesse follows his motion, moving closer to him. She's pressed against him as she was before, tilting her head to deepen the kiss. He rocks against her and she feels a shiver shoot up her spine almost uncontrollably. A gentle sound leaves her, deep and hungry. Her controlled nature would tell her not to do as she is about to, but he had insisted she let go. Her hips move against his in return and her hands travel up into his hair. ]
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If he loses everything that makes him him, he's certain that even Jesse won't want to stick around. We build you till nothing remains. The hole in your room is a hole in you. ]
Is this what happens to people who aren't prepared? People who dive in without knowing what they're getting into? You came out all right, all things considered. [ I know that she has things that bother her. She's hinted at it, even if she hasn't outright said it. ] I- I jumped in to save Alice, and that was all I could think about at the time. [ Was that my undoing? Did I inadvertently seal my own fate, as dramatic as that sounds? I'm no better than Hartman, then. ]
It's too late. I'm already living it. Trapped in it. [ I can't go back. A voice roars in his head. Laughing. Echoing. After the song, time for applause. Time for applause, writer. That's not me. That's NOT me. Stop using my voice...!
In a desperate effort to stop the voice that sounds too much like his own, Alan's grip on Jesse tightens just a fraction, not enough to cause discomfort, but enough to be firm. Solid. Controlled, when his mind is anything but. Maybe now Jesse is the pole that he holds onto when everything is trying to sweep him away. Maybe they share that role, if the other needs it.
A sigh of longing, of need, and of contentment escapes him when she begins to move her hips against his. His hand slips down from her back to the side of her leg, resting against her thigh. If she moves away or pushes his hand away, he'll withdraw, but he wants to feel her... to touch her. The other hand that remains against her back curls into the fabric of her shirt, and he rotates his hips against hers in a sort of half-circle. ]
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Maybe people like us--and people who know how the world really is--have our own normal.
[ Her gaze drops at his question. Their experiences are completely different in so many ways. Alan was already an adult, married, successful. She was just eleven with a little brother trying to figure out how to stop the insanity around her. People died in both sets of events, but the people Alan truly cared for made it out. Hers didn't.
Her eyebrows knit together as that sense of loss creeps into her eyes. ]
I... I'm not sure anyone is ever prepared for things like what we've lived through. Not their first one, anyways. Your gut feeling had you dive in to save your wife because that was the only way to get to her. I think you know that. Deep down. Underneath everything. You're still that person, Alan. Able to make a decision no one else can--to write a heroic happy ending.
[ She truly believes it. While scattered and barely lucid in most of the loops? Jesse has that sense that he wasn't at first. He was more like the person he really is. Driven, stubborn, an asshole, caring, desperate. If he could write an AWE once and solve it? He can do it again. The fact he's still trying is enough to show that to her.
« How much of it comes from the fact he couldn't write another book after the Casey series? It was two years after the last one that he disappeared in Bright Falls. Maybe that's all tied together? How could I even begin to help with that? » ]
You haven't lived having the whole world tell you that you're wrong. That--that you're delusional. Insane. Because you know what you saw and no one will believe you. [ Her voice sounds small and wavers slightly. ] Realizing no matter what you say or do they won't believe you. [ Jesse glances away. ] I don't want anyone else to live like that.
[ She shakes her head to herself. « Not if I can help it. Not if I can help it. »
Jesse hums lightly once his hand settles on her thigh. She brushes her lips against his again, barely touching, before mumbling his name against them. His hips rotate and she shivers under his hands. It feels right. Just like being in the Oldest House does.
That rumbling forms in her spine again--the one that wants to pull him in. Around one constant they revolve. She hesitates. You can let go. I won't freak out. She swallows the lump of emotions again before inhaling. It should be easy to let go, but nor for Jesse. It's like pealing back multiple layers.
She wants him though. Which means she has to let go.
In an instant she seems to melt against him entirely, letting that tension from holding on slip away. Her lips brush against his once more and her forehead rests to his. She rolls her hips against his, allowing that rumbling sound to fill her. She can tell now it'd truly Polaris--even if she can't begin to understand why her friend is reacting this way.
The lights that have been gently flickering intensify. Seem to become louder even if there is no sound. Grow brighter.
Her hands slide from his hair down to his sides. One wraps around him while the other goes to his messenger bag. Fingers glide along it to try and find the fasten for the long handle. It's wet and needs to go. He doesn't need his notes for this. ]
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When he stops to think about it, and really think about it, he has no right to be upset because of his own circumstances. ]
It's my turn to be sorry now. I- I shouldn't have said anything. [ I still haven't learned that lesson. How many times did I speak without thinking around Alice? I'm still doing that even now. ] I don't have the right to throw myself a pity party. [ That phrase cuts him more than he expected, but in a way, as harsh as it is, isn't that what he's doing? ]
You're right, I haven't lived through the same things you have. I haven't heard people saying those things about me. I can't imagine what it's been like for you. [ He can guess at it, but guessing isn't the same as knowing. And people say things about him, but they're different things. Not as personal as being labeled insane. Although maybe that word was thrown around a little bit, at least enough to see to the creation of Alan's evil doppelganger. ] I'm sorry, Jesse. I- I'm just sorry.
[ Alan expects her to pull away from him then, to recoil because he offended her. He's certain he did offend her, but- she's still touching him. Still kissing him. I don't deserve this.
He might think of himself as undeserving, but that's not going to stop him from communicating his needs through touch and kisses and closeness. He feels the light brush of her lips against his, and feels her mumble his name against them. In response, he lightly touches the surfaces of his teeth against her lip, not biting down, barely even touching, but enough that she might feel the barest sensation against the skin there.
His back arches again when she rolls her hips against his, feeling his own sense of arousal rising in response to the touch and the... well, the passions also rising inside him. His eyes flicker but don't close, because when they're closed, that's when the darkness begins to feel suffocating. But his pupils are dilated and not just because they're responding to the flickering lights.
He feels more than sees her hands slide down to his sides, one hand wrapping around him while the other tugs on the messenger bag he's still wearing. It's really not necessary now, and it'll only be in the way, so he doesn't resist as she seeks to remove it. He'd pull it off himself, but something tells him it's important to let her do it. Never mind that he'd shed more layers if she wanted him to. ]
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« I can't imagine what it must be like to lose parts of yourself. » ]
Alan. [ She presses her forehead to his further. ] No apologies here. Okay? We've both lived through different things, even if they are similar. I just... I don't want you to think you're alone in this. I'm here, with you, and so is Polaris.
[ A gentle sound comes from her at the sensation against her lips. Her whole body presses against his in response, meeting him as his back arches. Maybe this isn't something to be done in a dream. Should they stop and get to work on the issue at hand? Logic says yes, but everything else in her says the opposite.
She unlatches the messenger bag from its band. She removes it from him, smiling ever so slightly at him. Anything further will be up to Alan and how far he wishes this all to go. He may not want to go much further as he knows the Spiral Door looms no matter what. She gently pushes the messenger bag against the wall--that way its in arms reach and not far from him. In case he needs to keep it near. ]
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I'm sor- Never mind. [ He's beginning to realize that he's been thinking just that for far too long: that he's alone in the insane things he's experiencing. That no one else could understand or even want to. Even though he knows full well that Jesse and Polaris are right there offering company and help, he finds it difficult to accept.
Maybe this isn't something to be done in a dream... maybe he should be focusing on working out the different angles of the story. The story has become so convoluted and confusing and there's things that Alan isn't even sure he's written.
But he doesn't want to end this just yet, so he places another deep kiss on her lips as she finally manages to remove the messenger bag, placing it against the wall. The bag is important, as are its contents, but they're not more important than this moment right here and now. He wants her, and even needs her, and he just wants to pour all of that into this shared moment. ]
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« The story we need to get back to work on. Well, he needs to get back to work. There's something you and I can do to help him, right? I'm not a writer, and neither are you. Maybe we can find ways to communicate what we learn or see to him. He can come to the Motel now... »
Her thoughts trail off the moment he kisses her again. Jesse's eyes fall shut as she leans entirely against him again. Her hands move up his sides and under the shoulders of his jacket. It's a nudge, a suggestion, that he should remove it. It's still wet and makes her own clothes rather uncomfortable as they're soaking up the water. Although at this rate she has to wonder if that will even matter.
Jesse rocks against him again to test that interest and its boundaries. Wanting and needing come in different forms and she's unsure which line he wishes to go to. ]
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Just once, I wish that things were simple. The story. Us. Everything falling into place just as it should be. [ Finally coming home. That feels like a dream that's so far away now. ]
Jesse...
[ He exhales her name and shivers involuntarily as her hands move over his sides and under his jacket. She wants him to remove it, which he does without hesitation. And with the jacket gone, he slides both hands to rest against her shoulders for a moment before one hand slides further down to her chest but pauses before touching anything. He would explore and allow his hands to wander, but he is unsure just how willing Jesse is.
His other hand slides back down to her thigh and he lightly grasps the edge of the waistband of her pants as if testing something. ]
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« No more cells. I don't want to even keep Dylan in one once he wakes up. Would I really have to lock up Alan too? If the Source is Cauldron Lake, and once the Cult is taken care of... why would we have to?
How many more people that I love and care about are these fucking forces going to take away from me? Mom and Dad. Dylan. Marshall. Alan can't be on that list too. I won't let it win and take him away. » ]
It would be nice. After all this maybe we should go on vacation. Somewhere remote--away from everything. [ She poses the idea half-jokingly and slowly. It may set off unwanted feelings about what started this whole mess for him. Hopefully he understands she doesn't mean it the same way. ] Maybe even a staycation?
[ A small smile graces her face at how he says her name. Her hands move only long enough for him to remove his jacket. Finally. They settle back to his tie and begin to undo it. She only pauses once his hand stops at the top of her chest and the other at her waistband.
Her eyes immediately dart to his. Permission isn't given vocally or even physically, but a look in her eyes. He's a writer. He should be able to understand details and body language that others can't.
Especially hers. ]
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But thoughts of a cell and living there are interrupted by the realization that she's talking about something else. A vacation. Alan laughs a nervous kind of laugh. ] Well, you know that my track record with vacations isn't really the best one. But... but a vacation with you sounds nice. Really nice. [ He pushes down that tingle at the base of his spine and tries to shove away the spike of panic forming in his head. No, we're not going to freak out. ]
Somewhere remote, but with sun. Lots of sun. Although a staycation sounds nice too. [ To do something normal like staying home with her, not working, not doing anything but being together sounds really nice to him.
The look in her eyes is really all the answer and encouragement that he needs. For someone who keeps herself so tightly controlled, now that she's showing him how she feels with her expressions and her movements, it feels to Alan as though a door that has been closed is now open.
He has to move his hand from her waistband so he can undo the buttons of her collar, and once he's done that, he shifts the fabric of her shirt just enough for him to expose her collarbone, which he traces lightly with his right hand. He doesn'tw ant to do this slowly, as part of him just wants to dive right in and touch her everywhere his hands can reach, but part of the experience is building up the suspense... isn't it? ]
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I've never had one. I mean. Not like... I haven't been somewhere long enough to have one. Until I became Director anyways. I've probably earned enough vacation time. [ Though, she'll let him pick where they go. Asking him to trust her with it might be too much. ] I'm glad you think so. It'd be a little weird if you'd follow Polaris here but not want a vacation with me.
[ She's trying at humor at least.
A door? Maybe. She isn't sure if it'd be a door or dropping a wall. It feels more like a wall--one she keeps raised almost all the time. Some part of her is still wary of all this given her past. But, she wants to try. The experiences with him aren't because he's a celebrity. It's him and whatever has changed him. Just like Polaris changed her and Dylan.
Her breathing hitches then quickens slightly as he begins at her blouse. Something in her tells her that this isn't the first time, so nothing should make her react this way. Have they done this before? There's anticipation, yeah, but this is almost an impatience to claim something back. Be something they were before.
A strong shiver courses through her as he touches her collarbone. Everything in her tells her then it's about time. It's been too long. Not that she fully understands it all. She does listen to that tug inside her and lean against his hands. ]
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Then we need to make sure that you get one. It'll be somewhere nice. Warm, if you like that. If you don't, I'm sure we can think up something else. [ He smiles now, a genuine one this time. ] It's going to sound ridiculous, especially because I can barely remember the last time I did anything even close to this, but- Wherever we end up going, I just see us, movies, and takeout.
[ It's something so normal and yet it feels like something Alan hasn't done in a very long time, but it's something he wants to do with Jesse. ]
But then again, that all depends on what you like doing, because I'd want to do what you like. [ He realizes now he doesn't know if she has any hobbies or things she does when she's not busy being the Director.
He continues to trace his fingers along her collarbone, but then slowly, tentatively, as if testing something again, he undoes a few more buttons, enough to let him slide one side of her blouse off, baring her shoulder. If she gives signs of being cold, of course he'll put it right back on. But he wants to touch her, wants to see her with one less layer on. They may have done something like this before, before he took it away, but now... now Alan wants this to be something they both remember.
She deserves to remember this. She deserves to know that he loves her. Desires her. He shouldn't have written them coming together and then taking it away. Maybe this could be considered making amends for what he did.
Selfishly, he needs this. Needs to remember it, so that when he's alone again with no one else for company, he can hold onto it. If he can hold onto it. He's already lost so much, and it feels as though the holes in his memory are only growing bigger. He doesn't want to admit it; he refuses to admit it, even, but he's beginning to doubt himself and what he knows. Will I even know anything, when this is all over? What will be left of me?
With her shoulder now bare, Alan leans in and plants a deep, longing kiss to the skin there. ]
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Then, her gaze softens at his smile. Something like water almost pools in her eyes.
« I've... never seen him smile. Not like this. Not even in the loop that we were together. He was always worried, or stressed, maybe even something like guilt or shame. Never this.
Happy.
And... because of me. »
There's something oddly personal about that. Vulnerable. Even if they're undressing one another. Something about the thought is so much more personal. All she can ever remember is annoyance, shame, even hate from anyone so close to her.
« Dylan hated me. Resented me. Welcomed the Hiss because I abandoned him. He felt WE abandoned him. Is... will Alan hate me one day when he steps back into the Spiral Door? I.. I'm not sure I can handle seeing the same look on his face. Scratch hates me, and even if he has Alan's face, it's not... he's not the same. He isn't Alan. Even if no one else can tell the difference. »
Jesse tilts her head down as her gaze drifts to the side. She remembers he said she could let control go, but instincts still want her to hide the vulnerability at any turn. She blinks once more before gently pressing her forehead to his. Her gaze remains down at her hands on his tie as she tries to reign herself in. ]
Movies and take out. It's nice. [ Her voice is thick with an emotion she's sure he's never heard or seen from her. ] Somewhere warm and bright. Movies in the vacation house--no dark theaters. It's nice.
[ And something she finds herself almost desperately wanting now. She's found the world she belongs in... now she wants to share it with someone.
Her body relaxes under his touch, almost as if she's glad the lightly damp garment is off her skin to some degree. A slight blush creeps to her face as she wonders what his reaction to her will be. Obviously, he liked what he saw once, but it feels like the first time in many ways.
He kisses her shoulder and her thoughts fade out once more. Her eyes fall shut and a shiver runs up her spine. Her head leans against his as a muffled moan tries to make its way out. Maybe she can't let go entirely. Not yet. It's close though. More open than she's probably ever been with him before.
Her hands abandon the tie for now and curl into his shirt and hair again. ]
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And because she's alive, he changed the story in a desperate but futile effort to keep her safe. He wants her to be alive. To stay safe. In a world that's full of dangers both seen and unseen, it's impossible. But he fooled himself into thinking he could save her. He might not be able to save himself, but he thought for a few moments that he could protect her.
But here in the Motel, away from the Dark Place and its horrors, Alan can let himself be happy for a little while. The smile he gives her is warm and wide, filled with love. When he leaves here and goes back to his personal hell, it'll be these moments that he holds onto as hard as he can. As long as he can.
He watches as her gaze drifts to one side, wanting to memorize her. How she looks. How her eyes light up when she gets excited about something. The way her red hair frames her face. It might all turn out to be for nothing as the Dark Place steals his memories from him, but he does it all the same. He can only hope and pray that when these memories get taken away, it doesn't put a bigger target on her back. ]
It all sounds like a dream I won't want to wake up from. [ Alan's voice is equally as thick with emotion. Longing. Wanting something he's afraid he'll never have.
He kisses her shoulder again, and he slides more of her shirt away, moving to undo more buttons if he has to. His own eyes slide closed as her hands curl into his shirt and into his hair, and one hand moves to her back, curling into her shirt as well. It's going to be so hard to leave her here when that time finally comes. ]
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"But I guess if it's just always there, that's... Comforting, in a way. What does that mean for... for us?"
She's not sure when she had heard Alan ask that question. Which loop it was in, why he asked, what the circumstances were. Polaris seems to know; know an answer to the question. She resonates with that Light inside Alan.
Grow brighter. Around one constant they revolve.
Jesse feels more than hears that sound Polaris is made of. How it grows stronger as they move, how the lights of the Motel brighten despite the connection to the Dark Place.
Even the angel lamp in his bag begins to react to the stronger light present.
« Does he remember? Remember what? He knows how to use the Light--he... he told me so. What would he need to remember? Did he lose something else before he met us? Before he sent me those Hotline messages? »
Her eyebrows knit.
« The Champion of Light? Herald of Darkness? What are you talking about? » ]
Well, you have to wake up to make it real. [ Her voice drops quietly again and her lips brush over his. ] You can do that, Alan. I know you can. Not only that, but I believe in you. You found me here, didn't you? Following Polaris. You can and will do it.
[ Jesse rocks her hips to his once more to accentuate her point. He's capable of so, so much. He just needs to swim and not sink. Stop spiraling down and down and down and just... float.
He kisses her collarbone again. His beard brushes along her skin and she makes a pleased sound, shivering in his hold. The final button comes undone and she quickly removes the damp garment and tosses it somewhere down the hall. Her skin is lightly damp, but the thought flees her mind as soon as it's come.
He definitely needs less on. But, she leans against him entirely again as he continues to kiss her. ]
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Alan doesn't want to drift, not again. He doesn't want the waves to pull him away. But the tide comes in and goes out as it wants, and he can't control it, no matter how much he wishes he could. He hears the sound of dark waves splashing on the shore. Pulling at his mind. Pulling at him. Drowning. I'm drowning. I'm drowning. It doesn't matter that they're in a motel. Doesn't matter that they're nowhere near a lake or an ocean.
He's certain Jesse can tell his attention has shifted yet again, but until this moment passes, he just has to ride out the incoming waves and hope they don't pull him too far away. No way out. There's no way out. Sinking deeper. Deeper and deeper. Stop me from sinking. Please.
He knew that he had to dive deeper into the Dark Place in hopes of learning the way it works; mastering its dark, deep secrets. But he's gone in so far that the waves are over his head. He really is drowning. He's drowning, and instead of mastering it, it's mastering him.
This is hell. I'm in hell. Just write me out of the story! He feels himself go slack, and then tense up again seconds later as he fights to stay in the present. The Dark Place wants to pull him under, even here in the Motel. He can't let it. His hand at Jesse's back curls further, trying to hold onto her as he desperately claws his way out of the spiral in his mind.
I'm safe. Safe enough for now. Not alone either. Jesse's here. Polaris is here. It's safe. If only repeating those words was enough to make him feel safe when navigating the twists and turns of the Dark Place. Words have power, even if the power of the Dark Place is stronger. It's just a matter of finding the right words, and it has been all along. The words have been stolen from him. Changed. Twisted. He's tried to change them back. Did I eat the words? But it's been an uphill battle, and it's not even over. Will it ever be over?
Suddenly, with a jolt, Alan manages to pull himself from the twisting maze of his own mind and as he does, he realizes that he feels something. Not something bad or fearful, but warmth. Light. Hope, even if it's faint. The angel lamp hums and seems to put off something warm. Not heat, nothing overpowering, but enough that Alan can feel it even though the bag containing the lamp is resting against the wall.
His gaze focuses again, returning to the present and to Jesse just in time to hear her words. ] Can I? Can I be that confident that I can do it? [ For him, confidence is little better than a foreign concept that no longer applies to him. But she believes in me. Belief. That's a powerful concept too. I used to believe that I could make things happen. That's lost too, now. The Dark Place took it away. ]
Maybe... maybe part of the key to all this is knowing that someone else knows I can do it. That I can make what I want- what I need real. That's why I write the notes to myself, so that when I lose the memory, it still exists on paper.
[ He continues kissing her, not wanting to stop, not even to catch his breath, and the hand that's curled at her back moves around her to her front, and like before, hesitates for a moment. This time, however, he completes the action that he couldn't do earlier, starting with a finger tracing down her chest and ending with his hand curling around one of her breasts. It's a forward gesture, a very forward touch, and part of him expects her to pull away or push his hand away. But it's not the first time, even if only one of them remembers it. He's touched her before. Been intimate with her before. And she responded in kind.
If she'd rebuffed him in the loop in which they became close, he wouldn't dare try something like this now. Not again. But spurred on by the memory of that loop, he realizes he dares to touch her without too much apprehension. Still, he keeps his gaze focused on hers, watching for even the slightest flicker of discomfort in her eyes. ]
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Now, she has the look to match it.
She doesn't like it at all.
A silence hangs in the air once he returns and he answers. Her jaw moves to the slide slightly in worry. What can she do to help? Is there anything she can do to help? The Hiss carve you out until nothing but their chant and resonance remains. Polaris bathes everything in her resonance. Maybe this is what the Dark Presence does. It washes you away, eroding bit by bit, until nothing remains.
« How do you stop the tide? Outside of weather control, I guess. A dam? But, then it might block out other things. Things he needs. You keep saying he's "the Champion of Light" and I don't know what that means. What am I supposed to do with that? »
She opens her mouth to speak again to answer him, but he's kissing her again and touching her. A gentle moan comes from her as his hand at her breast. If melting into him was an option? She feels that would be what would happen. Maybe an allegory of going into water with him would have been apt if circumstances were different.
No discomfort is seen. Instead, intense desire and need. Arousal even. Her other hand slides down to take the one around her back. Fingers slip between his with palm pressed to his. That gentle resonance pulses from her hand again.
They've done this too... haven't they? ]
Alan. [ A harmonious tone slips into her voice. One that sounds familiar from the phone call that led him here. ] Alan.
[ Polaris tries to reach him--for something in him. A flicker to make steady. A flame to become a fire. Why? To free her host from the loops? To build her own resonance in the Dark Place? It may not truly matter either way. ]
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Kissing her helps, but he doesn't mean it to be simply a distraction, something to keep him from drifting away. He won't use her like that. I use people enough. Against their will. This isn't that. It isn't. I won't let it. He loves her and feels completed by her. He'd lose himself in this moment with her, trying to etch every second of it into his mind, hoping that would be enough to keep the memories from being torn away.
But something else pulls him up short; not something bad, not a negative feeling. It's a familiar resonance, one that makes him feel as though he's stepped into a surge of energy. It feels gentle and comforting but arousing too. Not quite the same sort of arousal he feels from touching and kissing Jesse, but not too different either. Both sensations fill Alan with warmth and a sense of being complete, and that is why he mentally compares the two. Perhaps it makes no sense. But he knows better than anyone that sometimes his thoughts don't make sense. And given how many times he's drifted off since coming here, that proves his point exactly.
Alan. That harmonious tone echoes in Alan's mind. I've heard this. I know this. From the phone call. It's her. His lips turn up into a smile as if he's unconsciously greeting an old friend. He looks happy for about ten seconds, and then the smile drops off his face.
WAKE.
shitshitshit- they can't be here. I'd- They're not here. It's not real. Alan's thoughts start to scramble again as he momentarily panics because of the memory that's risen up unasked for.
ALAN WAKE.
Please, I just want- I want to go back to what we were doing. The sense of happiness that Alan hasn't felt very much of in recent days (months? years?) is dwindling, but he's trying to hold onto it. In desperation, he tries to reach back for Polaris. Tries to zero in on that resonance. He's followed her resonance before. It's how he got here in the first place. Guided by her invisible hand. He forces himself to breathe, and the action counters the spike of panic that he felt. He leans in a little against Jesse, pressing against her in contact that's not quite skin-to-skin given he's still mostly clothed, but it's the contact that's the important part.
Alan. He hears the harmonious tone a second time, and that's when he feels a faint flicker inside him. It's almost a foreign sensation, as though Alan's forgotten about it, but then it flickers again, but it could go out at any time. Grow brighter. That wasn't from Polaris, but from another memory resurfacing from the depths of his mind. ]
...Polaris? [ Somehow, Jesse's guiding star is making something happen, and Alan's scattered thoughts are having a hard time figuring out just what that is. ]
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Alan's smile drops again and his breathing hitches.
Something doesn't want to let it's hold go on him. The Dark Presence? The Dark Place? ... Something else?
A fear strikes her suddenly that she will lose him once again to the waves. The hand holding his clings onto him as if desperately trying to pull him up to the surface again. The resonance intensifies, reacting to Jesse's emotions.
« Please, stay with me. Here. Don't sink again. If you further I may not be able to reach you again-- »
Jesse holds him against her with her free hand. Her cheek presses into his damp hair. Polaris insists once again. She swallowes the nerves and fear down. Polaris must know what she is doing. ]
Alan Wake. [ Polaris seems to answer his question directly. The palm of Jesse's hand presses against his and the resonance attempts to build. ] Torchbearer. Shine brighter.
[ The words aren't necessarily deep or give much direction. Polaris is a resonance, after all, and builds on sounds and frequencies. Yet, Alan is a master wordsmith. He can understand the meaning if he only focuses.
« I don't understand what you mean. Just, keep him here. Okay? With us. I'm tired--I don't have much engery left, but, use what you have to so you can keep him HERE. Please. Don't let him sink away. » ]
Alan.
...Alan? [ Jesse's voice is hers again, small, scared. He might sink further after hearing Polaris through her. A freak, a weirdo, too much insanity for him. Her grip tights as if to try and anchor him to her as the tide threatens him. ]
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