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outlierdirector) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
oceanview || ❝ hold hands with my demons and creatures of night. ❞
Someone who can hear me and drink from the light
To see things from the same side
Is there anybody out there?
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It's almost terrifying in a way. Just a small way.
Alan slumps forward and it snaps her out of the focus she had with Polaris. Her eyes dart to him, the worry clear in them. Then, he says her name, and she has a reaction she wasn't quite expecting. She has to bite down on her lip to keep it from quivering. Her eyes dart to the side to try and hide the emotional response that is trying to rise through her. Tears form in her eyes, but she's not going to cry. Especially in front of him.
Instead, she leans her head against his and makes sure her face can't be seen. Just in case. ]
H-hey. [ She hates how emotional she sounds. ] She knows.
[ « I'm sure you had your own reasons for doing it. I don't care what they are. Thank you for doing it. Whatever IT was you needed to do. Just... thanks, Polaris. »
Her hand curls into his damp hair, fingers threading between the strands. She realizes then how much she's missed him. Alan being himself. He was himself in the loop they made this... whatever it is. Relationship, bond, the word doesn't matter to her. Like everything else in her life? They are complicated.
Her other hand leaves his in order to wrap around his shoulders. She pulls him entirely against her, holding him and holding onto him.
Because they may not get another chance to be like this once he steps back through the Spiral Door.
Polaris insists it'll be different, but, Jesse finds herself unable to believe it. It's clear what the Dark Presence has done to his mind. They can't cleanse him like they did Dylan. She won't risk sending him into coma as well. ]
Welcome back, if that's not... weird to say.
[ « I missed you. » ]
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It's not- It's not weird. [ His breath catches, and for a second, he has to focus on the pattern of breathing. In, out, and then in and out again. ] It feels like I've been on a long journey and it's- Not ending, because it's not. [ It won't end. I don't know how I know that. It's only a feeling I have. This journey has just started. ]
I have a long way to go, still. And- And maybe I won't get out. But maybe I will. [ They'll help me, right? He asks the question only in his mind, because part of him can't bring himself to ask for more than he already has.
Alan's hand that's not resting at Jesse's back returns to touching her hair, fingers slowly combing through the strands, doing his best to not pull. ]
Knowing that I still have you on the outside, on your side of reality- it'll help. [ If I can remember. ] There's life happening outside the Dark Place, and I just need to remember that, if I can.
[ There's more going on than just horror and death and chaos. People are living ordinary lives on that side of the threshold, and that's what Alan is willing himself to remember.
And suddenly, Alan feels as though he's talking too much, although there's still more he would say. But words can be communicated through actions, and there's only one action that Alan wants to right now, and that's to kiss her. He has to shift position slightly to manage it, but he brushes his lips against Jesse's once more, keeping the touch light but then deepening it after a few second's pause. It seems that his sense of desire hasn't been diminished by the efforts of the Dark Presence trying to pull him away. ]
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She feels almost lethargic. Her arms and legs feel almost like jelly. Which is why she simply moves naturally as his arm wraps around her again. Walls and being in control take too much work at the moment.
« Besides, what about me hasn't he seen? Either in visions or just time with me in general. And, now... now he knows about Ordinary. Me, you, Dylan. How it all happened. There's not much left to hide after that. »
Her head tilts again towards the fingers moving through his hair. ]
You will. You'll come home. [ Even if she has to break down that Spiral Door and drag him out of a Threshold herself. ] It's our reality. Our home. You don't belong to the Dark Place, no matter what the Dark Pressence thinks or want. It can file a formal complaint with the Buearu and then I'll shred it.
[ She is about to ask if he wants to move from the hallway to somewhere more comfortable. Then, she thinks twice, because the realization he'll need to carry her dawns on her. She won't ask him to do that after everything they just went through... and who knows how long it's been since he just stopped to catch his breathe in the Dark Place.
Her eyes catch his as he shifts, a slight question in them. He's kissing her again and she responds immediately. She can't even begin to quantify the last time he was fully in control of himself, which just makes this special. Her hold tightens slightly as she rubs against him.
When did she fall for him? She doubts she ever told him. Telling him about Ordinary was hard enough. No way she would of said that. Not in the middle of everything going on...
Jesse brushes her lips against his and presses her forehead to his. ]
We'll just have to help you come home then.
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But for now, he's content to just stay here in this hallway with her. She mentions home, and the word echoes and reverberates in his thoughts. ]
Home... [ Home means safety and security and happiness, the exact opposite of literally everything in the Dark Place. It's lonely there, and cold, and there's no such thing as feeling safe. Safety is an illusion. A lie. The Dark Place spins those illusions to trap the unsuspecting, and Alan knows he's found himself trapped more than once. I want to go home. I just want to go home.
And then a thought enters his mind, one that's never occurred to him to ask about before. It's not related to his struggles to get out of the Dark Place, his long solitary war to free himself and finally go home. It's about her. Her home. Or the place she calls home, anyway. Maybe for her, it's the Oldest House. Not that he knows that term. To him, it's just the headquarters of the FBC.
In the moments in which he has to come up for air in between kissing her, he says: ]
Tell me about... about where you live. An apartment. A house, if you have one. Your home. [ He doesn't want to know about Jesse the Director. He wants to know about Jesse, the person. What does her home look like? If she describes it to him, he'll be able to picture it. Draw it in his mind with words, like he does- did? Like he did with his books.
If he can't come home, maybe he can envision Jesse's home, and imagine himself coming there for a visit. Not staying, because it seems as though he can't stay anywhere, but- a visit is good. It's far from what he wants; he doesn't want to exist as a ghost, flitting in and out of realities, visiting but never able to stay. But if it's all he can have, then it has to be enough.
He leans in, forehead coming to rest against hers. Oh, he wishes he could treat her the way she deserves to be treated. She deserves a proper date. A proper night out. The concepts are foreign to Alan now, because they're nonexistent within the Dark Place, but he remembers things about courting someone. Dinners at affordable but still nice restaurants. Movies. Walks. Holding hands. These are the things Alan wants to do with Jesse, if only he could. But dreaming about this... imagining it... it won't do anything but make him feel worse. ]
Tell me what you have inside your home. [ His voice has dropped in tone, sounding lower than before, but the notes of longing and desire are still easily detected. For some reason that he can't explain, he just pictures artwork (posters? paintings? a little of both?) decorating the walls of Jesse's home. But he wants to hear her describe it herself, in her own words. And so he waits for her answer while brushing his lips against hers again. ]
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He repeats the word and it's almost as if she can feel it vibrate through her as his lips graze over hers. In their current context, "home" simply means their reality. The one he was born in, comes from, belongs in.
« My home? »
Her forehead rests against his. Her breathing deepens but also speeds up as his mouth continues to brush along hers. It's hard to think of anything else but that and the way his words move through her. Where they're touching and how she wants more of it.
Then, his voice drops an octive lower. She shivers in his hold. It seems like being a master wordsmith isn't limited to just to the written page. Jesse leans entirely against him, pressing herself wherever they can meet. ]
It-it's just an industrial like apartment... in New York City... close to the Oldest House, b-but far enough to get away if I want. [ She drags her lips over his and kisses him lightly before continuing. ] A single bedroom and bath... joined living room and kitchen... not a lot of furniture. It's just me there. And Polaris. And the hanging plants. No one else.
Photography of places I've lived. Not the exact places, but, the states. Landscapes. [ Her nose brushes along his cheek then the edges of his beard. ] Some pictures of my management team--friends... none of anyone else. I... I don't have pictures of anyone else.
[ « None of Dad... or Mom... or Dylan and I. It was all lost in Ordinary. »
Her hips rock against his. Slowly to match how low his voice is. ]
A decent sized tv... couch and some chairs... nothing else, really...
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His eyes slide closed for a moment as the tones of Jesse's voice wash over him. He listens to every word, and his mind begins to form the picture in his head. He can see the apartment in his mind's eye just as she's described it. Industrial, but with little touches that make the place hers. The plants. The photographs. It strikes him as incredibly sad that there aren't any pictures of her family. Granted, his shared apartment with Alice didn't have any either, but between himself and Jesse, it's not difficult tell who still cares about family even after everything that she's gone through.
Even so, friends can become family, and he wonders if that's true for her. He responds when she rocks her hips against his, moving to meet her halfway. He feels his sense of arousal growing; it's been growing this whole time, but it feels right. Natural. Even if it's all so complicated, and the ring on his finger feels like it grows heavy sometimes. So far, it's just a sensation of arousal, but if he and Jesse continue in the way they're going, it might become more than that. He tries to reel himself back in, however, as he doesn't want to make this awkward for either of them.
His eyes slide open again, gray eyes once again locking onto her green ones. ]
I wish that I could see it for myself. [ See it, visit her, stay for awhile... Alan has to work hard to shut off that feeling of longing. It's impossible for him to do any of that. Or at least, that's what he tells himself. Projecting himself into her apartment isn't that simple, or something like that. The circumstances of him coming to his own apartment were very specific. Who knows what would have to fall into place for him to visit Jesse's? It might not even be possible, and he dares not even hope for such a thing. ]
I wish that I could see you there.
[ Especially since he doesn't know if he'll make it back to the Motel again. ]
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She presses against Alan again.
« I can't leave anyone behind EVER again. None of my management team. My staff. Dylan, even if he never wakes up. Now Alan. I can't leave them to rot somewhere in some altering reality hell. I won't LET it take him away. »
Even if her mind is bouncing between their conversation and their passions? The rest of her has already made a decision. She's more than willing to cross that line again and be with him. If she lets herself think about the wedding ring then it'll just stop everything, and she doesn't want it to stop. Even if a piece of her can't help but gnaw at the fact that he must see himself married to Alice Wake still. She might have moved on, but, Alan still sees her as a motivation, doesn't she? The whole reason he's here in the Dark Place. The woman he saved and trapped himself in return for.
« How can I even stand up against that? Is it my place to do that? »
Her eyes lock onto his in return.
It's her dream, so why can't she go wherever she wants to? Wherever they want to? ]
We can go there. If you want.
[ She pulls a hand away from him and points to the room to their right. Her fingers brush along the wooden door. All it takes is her opening it and willing it to be there. Jesse presses her forehead to his and brushes her lips to his again. ]
Or, we can stay here. Whatever you want to do.
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Something inside him seems to almost light up at the thought of going to visit her apartment. It's not a true visit, as this is only a dream, and he's just along for the ride. But after so long of seeing the four walls of the writer's room, the sight of literally anywhere else is a welcome change to Alan, although he much prefers the motel to the places he goes to in the loops.
It's safe here, and Jesse's here, which means it might as well be his favorite place on earth. Or, well, his favorite dream state, since this is just a place in her mind. But as far as dream states go, it's a nice one. ]
If you want to go there, you know I'll follow after you. I'm- I'm not in any hurry. [ Not in a hurry to leave, not in a hurry to say goodbye to her. ] I'd like to see it, if you want to show me.
[ He smiles again when she kisses him. Just being around her makes him want to smile all the time. And he already knows he won't have anything to smile about when they finally say goodbye and he crosses back over to the Dark Place. ]
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So, it's something like a life outside the Oldest House.
Sort of.
« Well, it's my dream. Who says I can't go where I want? I used it to find you. Maybe it can help Alan find something he needs for the story. »
Jesse brushes her lips against his once more before raising her head. She looks properly to the door beside them and nods to it. It's still difficult to move, but, she tries at least. Her legs shake as she tries to push herself up from him, and her hand doesn't quite make the door handle.
« Nice, Jesse. Way to impress the author you have pinned between your legs. Real smooth. » ]
Sorry. [ She tries to at least save some face. What kind of Director can't even pull herself together in her own dreamstate? ] We can go through this door and it'll take us there.
[ And, while she has no intentions of grabbing her shirt or jacket? Jesse does grab the messenger bag beside him. It's important and even if he could have it back in an instant due to dream logic? She wants him to know how important she knows it is to him. ]
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His days, if they can even be called days, are filled with writing and more writing. Pacing. Staring out the window. More pacing. More writing. Sometimes more frustrated reactions. Screaming. Throwing the typewriter.
He wants to see light. Life. Signs of life. Jesse's alive. If he sees where she lives, maybe he'll be reminded that life is still going on. The Dark Place isn't the world. But then a thought occurs to him. Well, it does, but he's distracted from forming it by the way Jesse's legs shake and her hand misses the door handle. ]
I got it, Jesse. You're still not 100%. [ Alan hasn't been 100% in a long time, but Jesse still can recover. Regroup. Retake control. If he can help with that recovery, then he's going to try. ] Let me help.
[ It doesn't bother him to see her having difficulty moving. All it makes him feel is concern for her. There isn't much he can do for her in return for what she's done for him, but he still feels as though he has to do something. ]
What if I- [ He coughs and cuts himself off. What if she thinks he's ridiculous for suggesting this? ] What if I carried you?
[ There. It's out. Now she can laugh and call him a sentimental fool. But he's at least genuine about it. He'd carry her through the door until they get inside and find a place for her to rest. She certainly needs it. ]
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