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synthneon2025-02-23 09:21 pm
spicetrance) wrote in synthneon2025-02-23 09:21 pm
Entry tags:
skies of rust || ❝ d'you breathe the name of your saviour in your hour of need. ❞
'Cause without your love my life
Ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
no subject
Nothing will stop his visions. They had been dreams once. Now? They're both. Dreams when he sleeps, visions when he wakes. A gentle breeze of air with spice could cause them to happen. Certain people, places. Nothing is truly coherent about when and where they happen. Nothing to control them.
⸻ᴋᴡɪꜱᴀᴛᴢ ʜᴀᴅᴇʀᴀᴄʜ.
His eyes close as she settles beside him.
The hand that bears the ducal ring stills against her hair. Then, slowly, each finger starts to move along the strands of the waves. They held hands and hugged one another as children. There had been times they slept beside each other under the large trees in summer days, falling asleep to the studies given to them. Never anything intimate as this. ]
No, [ he finally answers her earlier statement, ] I don't think they can be helped... or stopped. Dr. Yueh thought it was just a sensitivity to spice. That's not true.
[ It's something about ME. Who I am. WHAT I am. What I can become. ]
None of this should have happened. My father knew it was a trap. He walked into it knowing there was nothing that could be done. We simply failed to know when the trap would spring. [ Fingers gently twine into her hair and untwine. His eyes remain closed as his breathing still sounds ragged at times. ] You should be at home on Caladan with us.
[ Her house may be a minor one underneath the Atreides. They may not have had the wealth as the Great House in charge of Caladan. None of that mattered to him. Bastila was a friend. Someone finally near his age that he could talk to and be himself around. Not the ducal heir, not the "young pup" or "lad", not someone to train. Just himself: Paul Atreides. She became family. Then, more than family. Despite the best efforts of his mother.
His eyebrows knit together slightly as memories call to him. Their first meeting in the alcove in the hidden parts of Palace Caladan. It was a harsh storm that night, the worst in a decade. They had secured the palace. Something inside him had told him Bastila was missing. He slipped away from his mentors and went searching. He listened to his instincts and eventually found himself in the older parts of the building. Parts that had been forgotten or only used by the staff when they were not to be seen by visiting parties. She sat underneath an alcove with bared windows, except the glass had long since been destroyed. The overhang kept the wind and most of the rain from soaking the area.
Paul had quietly sat down beside her. He didn't move or speak--not until she spoke first. He told her of his family and his mentors, asked her about her home and her family. The area she found herself in had been explained next. Conversation until she had calmed and he could reach to hold her hand. Secure, gentle, and an unspoken offer to be there if she had needed a friend. Thunder roared and lightning cracked across the sky. She jumped and Paul had pulled her into a gentle embrace to shield her from the palace that seemed to frighten her down to her bones.
They met often in the alcove after that. Taught each other lessons. Learned and became fluent in not only the Atreides battle language, but ancient signed language that he had just used moments ago. Their way of speaking behind the adults.
The arm around her pulls her closer. The other then wraps around her. The same embrace he gave her all those years ago in Caladan. Except now wind gently moves sand and spice around outside. A tent instead of an alcove. Paul presses the side of his head to hers. ]
I thought you were dead. [ A third time he says it, and this time, with nothing to hold back the pain in his voice. No pretenses of being the Duke of House Atreides, Maud'dib of the Fremen. Paul as she has always seen him. ] I asked if you were going to come to Arrakis with us. I wanted you to come. I thought I led you to world that trapped us. That they paraded your body around as they surely have done with my father, then left your bones to the desert. All because I wanted you here with me.
[ The hand at her hair curls into it then. His voice cracks. ] I mourned for my father, and the others, then moved forward. But not you. I kept mourning you and the time I thought we lost. The things I never shared or asked you because of politics and ceremony. I couldn't let it go... let you go.
no subject
She wonders if Paul sees them on that path in his visions, or if all he sees is the path leading both of them further apart. Her hands clench into fists for a moment as a sudden urge to curse that path arises; she wants to reject that path while reaching out to grab hold of the path that brings them closer together. It's the path she wants.
A contented sigh escapes her as Paul begins to move his fingers through her hair. This feels right and comforting and it feels like something they have done for years. Perhaps when he tires of touching her hair, she will return the favor and begin tending to his own hair. She never dared be so forthright in front of Jessica or Leto, but in the moments that were just her and Paul, she found the urge rising to just touch him, if he allowed her to and if she was bold enough to go through with the action.
Sometimes she was and sometimes she was not, and the times that she was not, she wished that she could just act without worrying about what people thought about her. What does Paul think about me? She would ask herself and be unable to come up with an answer. ]
Well, whether they can be stopped or not, I will be right here if you need someone to hold your hand.
[ Even if he does not reach back, I will not leave him to deal with this alone. ]
What if your father had not gone to Arrakis? What if he had refused the charge and stayed where he was? I- As much as I agree with you, and as much as I wish that your father were still with us... [ What if one of us had died instead of him? Not Paul, and not Lady Jessica. Absolutely not the Lord Duke.
Bastila knows that she is hardly a replacement for Leto, and her death in his stead would mean next to nothing in the grand scheme. But a part of her wishes she could have taken his place so that he could be here with Paul instead.
She senses and sees Paul slip back into visions or memories or both, and she simply waits, lying beside him waiting for him to return from whatever it is that he is seeing. Perhaps this is simply how it will be between them: Paul will have visions and dreams and Bastila will sit with him and hold his hand and wait for the visions to recede once more.
At least this time, whatever memories Paul is seeing seem to be less harrowing than the visions he had had before. That is a small relief and Bastila finds herself releasing a breath she had not known she was holding in.
After a moment, Paul seems to leave the memories behind, returning to the present and this moment with her. She moves to squeeze his hand but he finds she beats her to it: he pulls her in closer and wraps an arm around her, upon which she settles into his hold as if she belongs there. Fits there. This is where they belong: together, if not exactly in this specific place. ]
I should have been. I do not know why I was allowed to live, when so many others did not. But Paul, I will not have you thinking that any of this was your fault. Even if I had not survived, it would not have been your doing, nor would I allow you to blame yourself.
I would follow you to the ends of the earth if I had to, and I would do it again without a second's thought. How could I not be here with you, with your family? If Arrakis was to be our end, I would rather be here with you than living safely on Caladan or elsewhere.
[ Still, she greatly feels the losses that have happened; Paul's father, his teachers, so many people who meant something to both of them. They should all still be here. They should all still be alive. ]
I would have mourned for all of you, and I did, in my own way, but- the Harkonnens were watching. I did mourn, but I could not let you go, not even once. Not even for a second. They said that you were dead, that your parents were dead. Parents, servants, teachers... anyone who had ever even come close to the Atreides was dead. And I would be too, if I did not do exactly as I was told.
But they could not stop me from thinking.
THREAD COLLAPSE.
Why?
Some led them apart. Some led them closer. The one that she has chosen is lined in gold. He can only see parts of it. Moments. It could lead to a child... children. It could lead to danger hiding in the shadows. Paul can't see the details and he truthfully doesn't wish to see anymore. He has seen enough. ]
The fallout from ignoring an order from the Emperor would have been tremendous. [ Fingers continue to stroke into her hair. ] A loss of holdings in CHOAM. Military involvement. War if sides had been picked between the Atreides and the Emperor. Taking the offer of Arrakis was the least damaging to the Imperium. Just not to our house.
[ Paul, in his childish way, would have wished no one to die. No one taking the place for another. Someone would have died. The Emperor was out for blood. The fact that the wards had survived, and unborn child, will send rippled through the Imperium. Shock and awe. It will make a statement grander than what the Landsraad can quickly decide on. How he will do that, and how he can even garner their attention? He has no idea on how to do just yet. All he knows is that he must cripple the Harkonnens to the point it brings spice trade down to get the emperor involved. ]
There is more to you than simply being a ward to my family, Basi. There is more for you to see in this life--more you could do. Asking if you would come almost destroyed those possibilities. Staying with me may close them off to you entirely. You could have always asked the Sisterhood to help you off-world. They would have risked incurring the wrath of the Harkonnens. They don't fear the Baron like most do.
[ That was, at least, the impression he had garnered from the Supreme Reverend Mother. ]
Why stay here if you thought us all dead?
[ They must have kept her alive as to not garner the wrath of the Bene Gesserits so openly. They wouldn't care if they upset the witches. It's more the political power play at hand. Killing an acolyte of the Bene Gesserits would bring unfavorable views as opposed to the Landsraad knowing, but not saying, that the blood feud with the Atreides had ended on Arrakis. ]
They won't care that you are missing. They'll proclaim you as dead. The Sisterhood may be angered, or, they may know that you have disappeared into the desert. The Harkonnens can simply say that Maud'dib killed all in the facility and left nothing behind. They sent you there to die.
All because they don't know who is behind Maud'dib. Just a Fremen insurgent.
[ He rests his head against hers further. Eyes remained close. They'll need to sleep at some point. Yet, his mind races with everything for the need to catch up on what has been missed because of these events. Not just arriving on Arrakis. What should of been said before they left Caladan. ]
I wonder what will you do now to help Maud'dib's cause?
[ Paul feels the words unable to leave him. She has agreed to courtship, but, another thing he wishes to say remains lodged inside him. It must not be the time to say it, if there is ever such a thing as a time to say anything. ] I would have you at my side, Bastila Shan. Confidant, friend, advisor, suitress.
no subject
If he can just admit that they are connected and hang all the rest of his visions, except for the ones he wants to see become reality? That is good enough for her. Of course, she can't know the nature of his thoughts, even though she can venture a guess at them based upon his expressions and his words.
And, well, if what he can see leads them closer, and if it leads to children... So much the better. She wants a life with Paul, and if that life includes having a family together, again, she has no complaints. ]
I know that there was no ignoring the orders from the Emperor, but I wish that the outcome had been different. I know we all wish that, and that there is no use in wishing, but I can hardly help it. If I could reach back and do something to save your father, you know that I would.
[ She hums quietly in thought, not because she finds anything about this moment they are sharing anything less than serious, but because she needs a moment to gather her thoughts. She knows that she stays close to the Atreides by her own choice; it may not have started out that way, and some would say it still is not her choice, but even if she had all the choices in the world, she would still stay with them as long as they allowed her to. ]
There may be an entire world out there for me to see, and much more for me to do, but- I choose to remain here. I choose to remain with you. I do not need those other possibilities, whatever they may be. All I need is to be yours, to walk with you and talk with you and simply be here. I would never ask the Sisterhood for that.
[ For anything, if she is being honest with herself. Well, that is not entirely true. She would ask for their help if it came down to Paul's life being in danger and the Sisterhood could do something about it.
She stares at Paul then, or what she can see of him, with a longing in her eyes: a longing to place both hands on either side of his face and pull him in for a kiss. But for the moment, although it takes great effort, she refrains. ]
I did not- I was not ready to give all of you up as dead. How could anyone be ready for that?
[ She had thought about what she would do if she was the only one left alive; would she try to leave Arrakis? Surely the Sisterhood would see her secreted off-world. But where would she go? What would she do? Either path seemed to lead to no future that she wanted for herself. ]
I do not care what the Harkonnens think. The only thing that I have to say about them is that I wish they were all dead, and of course, that is an impossibility.
[ She slides a little closer to him then, pressing more of herself against him, simply because she wants to be close to him, not because she wishes to do anything more. The time is not right for that, she tells herself. ]
I wonder... What would Muad'dib have me do? Still, I find that what Paul Atreides desires to be of greater importance.
[ He states what he would have her do, and she smiles warmly at him. ] Then it is good that I am here with no intention of ever leaving your side. And if you wish for me to fulfill those roles for you, I shall do my best to see your wishes fulfilled to the letter.
[ And again, that urge to simply kiss him without thought of propriety rises to the surface. How long can she resist this urge? ]