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synthneon2024-04-13 08:24 pm
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2024-04-13 08:24 pm
oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞
There ain't no bargaining
No giving in without a fight
no subject
Maybe he needs to force himself to eat and sleep and shower and just be a person again. But can he ask Jesse to help him with that, when he's asked so much of her already?
Maybe the first step is venturing outside the apartment and stepping out into the world again. Maybe something as mundane as shopping is what he needs. Still, he'd be lying if he said the thought of it didn't terrify him. Who knows what might set him off out there? His mind conjures up ideas of being dragged off by paramedics and forced into a room with padding on the walls and nurses with needles waiting to inject him with medication to put him to sleep.
No, I won't have that happen again. Not again. Never again. What the hell do I do?
He's not as skilled in the art of forcing emotions off his face, but he gives it the most valiant effort he can, attempting to keep the fear he feels from showing on his face. Jesse doesn't need to know how scared he is. And honestly, aside from his fear, he does want to go outside. He wants to feel fresh air on his face and know that it's not the stale, stagnant air of the Dark Place's version of New York City. He wants to see grass again, and trees, and be reminded of how they really look. No, he knows he wants to go outside more than he wants to stay in and keep being controlled by fear. ]
Yeah, I know. I can't ever go back there. I shouldn't go back there. It's not safe. [ He knows it, and he just states it plainly like the fact that it is. ]
I don't need to go back there.
[ His eyes travel to Jesse's half of the keychain, and seeing it makes him smile. His half of it is in the study by the computer, and he wishes he'd picked it up and brought it with him so he could put it with Jesse's. ]
It's the best part of us, isn't it? [ He wonders if she'll know what he means with that statement. To him, the keychain represents them when they're happy and actually content and whole, but it also represents a wish he has that one day, they'll have that all the time, not just in the days and hours of his good days. Maybe one day, all they'll have are good days and the bad ones will just be a distant memory.
As for Jesse's hands, he loves the feel of them. He can feel the strength in her hands, and every callous and scar tells a story of how far she's come. She has the strength to protect people, to fight for people, and he loves that about her.
He doesn't respond with words, because he feels that words aren't needed. He's heard variations of this from her before, and it's no less meaningful than the first time he heard it. He wants to live up to those wants and desires and wishes of hers, to be someone she's glad she met, not someone she regrets ever interacting with. Maybe he'll always have that push and pull between certainty and doubt, but maybe now that he's home for good, he can work towards being someone she's happy to come home to every night.
Before he answers her again, he nestles himself in a little closer, shifting just enough that he can press a kiss to the closest thing he can reach: the side of her neck. ]
Sorry. Yeah, of course people still go out and do things. [ He huffs out a humorless laugh. ] I- Sometimes I have to look out the window to remind myself that the streets out there aren't always dark. This isn't that place. People can walk around on the street and not have to worry about...
[ He shakes his head; whatever he was going to end that sentence with slipped out of his mind. That just happens sometimes. His smile still remains, because she makes him want to smile for her. It's a trite idea, but it's just how he feels. ]
Do you have a favorite place to go when you're not at the Oldest House? What about a favorite thing to eat? [ It's a long shot at best, but maybe her favorite thing could become his too, especially since whatever was his favorite food at one point is seemingly another lost memory. ]
no subject
It wouldn't help that need to see something in a better light as opposed to it being wrapped in horror. Nothing is the same as Deerfest, and they can't replace anything with it. It's just not safe--as Alan has said. They don't know how the Dark Presence in Cauldron Lake would react to him. They don't know how Alan would react to it. Jesse doesn't want to find out. The spiraling loops were bad enough. ]
... yeah, it is. [ Her voice oddly turns vulnerable at the statement. Eyes close at the kiss to her neck. She shifts so her head rests on his shoulder and a little on the pillow he has claimed. She'd even dim the lights further if she thought Alan would be alright with it.
Part of her wishes they could hold each other in the dark and fall asleep to the distant sounds of the city.
« Will there ever be a time when Alan won't think he's still in the Dark Place? » ]
There's a coffee shop we can go to. I usually stop there on days off. [ She smiles to herself.
It's where she sat and read a majority of the Alex Casey novels. Though, she won't be sharing that little secret. He already knows she has read his books. If he hadn't remembered from the several times in the loops? Then, he's seen the collection of them on her shelf. They're not put up in some place of honor or even on a pedestal. Just a shelf where you'd need to look for them. Hiding the things that are most important to her--even if the attachment to them is more because of Alan Wake than the books themselves. ]
I like just normal American dishes... you know, burgers and things. [ Simple, easy, inexpensive. ] Have you been able to remember anything? Favorite foods, or maybe even just a favorite restaurant that we could try out?
no subject
[ He thinks about Alice's pictures and he wonders if a picture can ever just be a picture for people like them. For parautilitarians. ]
All I know is, I just want to do things with you, even if they seem like silly, insignificant things. There's always things going on in the city; maybe we can check some of them out, when you have a day off. Maybe it's a bad idea, and maybe I'll fly off the handle, but...
[ I can't hide in this apartment forever, can I? ]
We can still have good days, you and me. Well, you know what I mean. [ His expression shifts to something betraying a little residual guilt, because he's certain his bad days take a toll on her, and it's not fair of him to put that on her. ] The keychain makes me think about that, about what good days we might have. And- and I love you.
[ He knows that sentence doesn't follow anything before it, but he doesn't care. He wanted to tell her he loves her, because even though she might know it and even though he might tell it to her a thousand times over, he knows he'll always want to tell her. ]
Okay, a coffee shop sounds good. We should go.
[ He hasn't told her in so many words, but in the times when it's just him in the apartment while she's away at the Oldest House, he's padded around the various rooms, walking through each one and just looking around. Not prying into anything personal or anything that's hers, because he'd never do anything to disrespect her privacy, but if it's on a shelf and within eyeshot, he's glanced over it. He's seen the books, and he caught himself smiling at them. He wondered if maybe he should ask if she wanted them signed, but part of him recoiled from that idea.
Book signings are a thing of the past, as far as he's concerned. No one really cares about Alan Wake the writer anymore. The urban legend surrounding his disappearance is probably a more common topic. ]
So kind of like comfort food. [ The phrase sounds foreign to him, but logically, he knows that it's one that people use. But he shakes his head slowly in response. ] Not really, but I'm trying. I think that the memories are there, but I just can't seem to reach them. Maybe if we walked around, I'd remember more. Or maybe not.
[ Maybe those memories are just gone for good, and I'll have to make new ones. ]
no subject
[ A pause. ] We'll stop if things get to be too much. Find somewhere quiet.
[ Bad days with him take a tole, as do the bad days at the Buearu. She'll tough if it out. They're worth it if it means he is here living with her. In the end that is what she tells herself. Everything will be worth it in the end. Maybe he'll never be fully recovered from the experiences with the Dark Place. That's fair. Jesse still holds the baggage and scars from Ordinary.
« We can't let it stop us anymore. »
She lifts her head, chin resting on his shoulder. The low light causes that glimmer in her eyes to be a more reflective glow than anything. The hand he rubs curls around his. ]
We'll start with the coffee and go from there. Sound good? [ Small steps. Then, she nods. ] Yeah, comfort food.
[ She glances down. The temptation to kiss him is there. Now doesn't seem to be a good time for anything along those lines. He's had worse days, but, it just doesn't seem to be the right thing to do. ]
When I was--we were--trapped in that spiral. And Polaris and I tried sending you those messages. [ Jesse's gaze shifts as it normally does when she brings up something possibly uncomfortable to either of them. ] I sent a lot of messages. Most, if not nearly all of them, got to you. Sometimes... sometimes they got to someone else. You, but not you. Younger, like when you first got to Bright Falls.
I figured it was something to do with the fact he was on a frequency that Polaris could reach... but... did anything like that ever happen to you?
no subject
[ His mind conjures up an all-out war between the Bureau and the Dark Place, and this time, he doesn't think there'd be any survivors. It might be on the Bureau's home turf, but the Dark Presence is already powerful. What if it somehow became even more powerful, even away from Cauldron Lake? No, he knows he can't ever have anything to do with Cauldron Lake again, because the risks are too great. ]
We're in New York; it's like- well, it was a huge arts center back in the day, I think. There's probably something we can find to do. I owe you a date, or ten.
[ He's trying as hard as he can to sound normal, to act normal and talk about normal things, but it all feels wrong to him in his mind. Still, he's trying and putting in the effort, because Jesse deserves it. It won't stop him from feeling terrified every time he turns a corner, and it won't stop the constant stream of dark images that filter through his mind, but- he hopes that with time, the dark images get replaced by other ones: happier ones. Maybe he never will ever be fully recovered, but he knows he wants to get as close to it as he can. Still, it's not something he can force; he has to take it a day at a time.
He shifts so that he can gently lean his head against hers even as he continues rubbing her hand, tracing patterns along the callouses and scars that he's already starting to memorize. ]
Sounds good.
[ He still doesn't have a lot of confidence in himself to actually carry out the actions that most people do without even thinking, but... well, at least he can still do this. His lips turn up into a wider smile and he leans in again so that he can press a kiss to her cheek. At least he can still kiss her; hopefully it feels good to her and doesn't feel like something repulsive or unwanted.
Alan's expression shifts slightly as Jesse starts talking about messages she tried to send in an effort to reach him. ]
Someone else? Me, but not me. That sounds familiar, because I did something like that a handful of times too. I really missed you and I wanted to hear your voice so I tried to reach out. I found you, but it wasn't you. Well, it was, but you were younger. Different. I wanted to help you too.
no subject
Whenever the AWE ended? Nothing was left. Everything was pulled back into the Lake. We have a monitoring station to be able to tell if things begin to move. We'll work on making sure nothing gets out--or at least that we're ready if it does.
[ There's the matter that when they investigated Alice's apartment? There was nothing left for the Bureau to take. Some one else had already been in to clean it out. It's details she doesn't want to share with Alan. Not until they can find out who took what out of the apartment he shared with his wife. She owes it to both Alan and Alice to get to the bottom of it. For now? It's just something else for him to worry about. ]
A date? [ Eyes widen slightly with a hint of pink to her cheeks. ] No, you don't owe me any of them. We don't even need to go on dates. It's not required.
[ She blinks once, twice. Another version of her? Younger. Eyes dart to the side in thought. ]
How was she? I mean, how did she act.
no subject
He's not in a position to see that he's free of its clutches. It's not tearing at his mind and forcing his hand, but it's so hard for him to see that, even though he's trying. ]
Everything? [ At the time, he was too out of it to really know what was going on around him. His memories of what happened when the AWE ended are sketchy at best, so he had no idea that everything was pulled back in. ] I had no idea. So, wait, when you say everything, what do you mean? Watery? Bright Falls? Are they-
[ He presses his free hand against his head as a dull ache forms in his forehead as he tries to make sense of what she's telling him. If she told him what she knew about the old apartment he shared with Alice, that headache would only worsen. ]
Yeah, a date. I thought- maybe our first date could be dinner and a movie or something. [ The words still sound foreign as he says them, but that's what normal people do on dates. They get a nice dinner, take in a movie, maybe hide out in the car and kiss and talk, or skip the talk and just kiss. It's ridiculous even as he thinks it, but he has to try to be normal, because Jesse deserves that after the hell he put her through. ]
How did she act? Well, I think... I think she wasn't really in tune with Polaris yet, not like you are now. I think they were still figuring each other out.
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[ The hand at his face gently brushes along his beard. It's an awkward and slow movement. Not because she's hesitant at all, but because these things are simply just... new for her still. Living with someone and being with someone. That still doesn't help the fact she simply always feels as if she's failing. ]
Maybe just a dinner. [ She offers him a small smile. She imagines being in a dark theater with loud sounds would be the opposite of good for him. ] You can pick where we go. I imagine any sort of food is still not... appetizing or even good sounding. But, we don't need to go anywhere fancy. Especially if you're not ready for the world to know you're back.
[ Jesse glances to the side, eyes moving slightly in thought. Recalling something. ] Depending on when... yeah, that would make sense. It wasn't until after the Hiss invaded and I found the Oldest House that Polaris and I... "synced."
no subject
[ He goes quiet for a minute or two as his mind tries to bring to mind everyone who died because they just happened to be there as the story was unfolding. He can't remember all the names, and he can barely picture their faces, but he knows that people died. People were murdered because of him. Scratch murdered people, and he knows he can't pretend he has no responsibility for those deaths. ]
I hope that Rose is all right... the people at the nursing home too. I hope their lives weren't ruined too badly because of me.
[ The touch of her hand on his beard makes him sigh with contentment even though there's still a combination of doubt, guilt, and worry pulling at him. It doesn't feel awkward or slow to him. He's always liked the way it feels when her fingers brush against his beard. Truthfully, he likes it whenever she touches him at all, and he's never really bothered hiding it. ]
I want you to get to do things that you want, though. If an actual date with dinner and a movie is what you want, I want that too.
[ He pauses again as he ponders her words. She's right in that he still finds the thought of eating anything difficult, and the actual action even more so. Something inside him recoils from the idea, and he barely understands why. ]
It isn't, but I can't keep refusing it, can I? Maybe I just have to do it, no matter what I want or don't want. And, well, people are going to find out one way or another.
[ He huffs out a dry laugh. ] Imagine the first person to find out that I'm back is a waitress in a restaurant. That is, if anyone recognizes me at all.
[ Shrugging his shoulders, he adds: ] How about we go to your favorite place to eat and you can order whatever you want, and I'll... I'll pick something to start with. Maybe it'll go better this time.
I'm not sure how much meeting me helped that version of you. [ His brow furrows as he tries to remember it. ] Was that you in another reality, or was that you and I reached out to you earlier than we both knew? That's a headscratcher of a thought.
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[ She gives him a smile and brushes along his beard again at his sigh. It never feels as if she'll ever be able to help him like he needs it. Worrying, stressing, anxiety about Cauldron Lake. He's trying to manage it and given how he reacted to sedation? She'll never suggest medication for him. ]
Rose is fine. Maybe waiting for her darling writer to reach out and contact her. [ Something in her cringes at even saying it. ] You should. Maybe send her a thank you gift or something. She did everything you asked... if you did ask.
[ « Do the things I want to do? I want to just be with him. Make things happier for him. I'm not sure I will ever be able to do that for him. Is he really happy here? »
Will Alan ever let himself be happy? ]
Okay. We'll go out shopping tomorrow then eat. [ Jesse rests her cheek against his shoulder again and closes her eyes. ] They might not recongize you with the beard and long hair. Wouldn't that be a good thing?
[ She pauses. ] It wasn't me. I'd remember if I met you in 2010. [ Jesse shifts slightly. ] Things weren't good then for me. I doubt they were for her either. I had already talked to therapists by that point when it came to Ordinary. People already didn't believe me. I imagine she felt just as lonely as I did... which means anyone believing her helped. Even if she didn't show it.
The "you" I seemed to always reach seemed like he was struggling a lot with everything in Bright Falls. But... [ Jesse pauses, debating if she should say what she wants to say. Ultimately, she supposes they can't avoid talking about Alice Wake forever. ] He mentioned a divorce.
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[ If only he could shut off the worried thoughts, the anxieties, the fears... but the only way he knows that might quiet his worried mind is medication, and as Jesse's already thought, he won't ever go on medication again if he can help it. He doesn't want to go back to sleep, even if the medication he might take wouldn't knock him out. He wants to stay himself, and he imagines that anything he might take would push him down again. Maybe not to the point of drowning, but anything is too close for him. ]
Yeah. You know what, I'll do that. I'll write a letter, and I'll... I'll send her something. Maybe I should write a letter addressed to the whole town too. I feel like I need to apologize.
[ He shifts his weight so he's leaning a little more against her, seeking out closeness and reassurance, and he smiles when he feels her resting her cheek against his shoulder. He can't answer the question of whether he'll ever let himself be happy; it's one of many things he doesn't know how to answer. He's trying to put the pieces back together, trying to be a semi-stable man again, but jury's out on whether or not that's working.
He wants to be happy because she makes him happy, but he knows he has a long journey ahead of him still. ]
Yeah, you're right, that's good. Maybe they won't know it's me because I don't look the same. I guess we'll use this as a kind of test run, huh? If it works, maybe we can go out more. Again.
[ His expression turns thoughtful as he weighs her words. ] And I'd know if I met you. You're pretty unforgettable. [ His breath catches as those words strike a chord; didn't he start to forget her once, or twice, or three times? Didn't he forget her until she reminded him? He believes she's unforgettable, but things outside his control did their best to get in the way, to make him forget.
He reaches out to touch her fire-red hair, remembering a dim memory of how he mentioned loving her hair. He still loves her hair, and her green eyes too. ] I know. I mean, I got that feeling too, and I wanted to help. I don't know if I did. I hope I did. I hope she didn't feel alone when she was talking to me.
[ The subject turns to the version of himself that she met, and something in Alan's eyes seems to darken in thoughtfulness, and perhaps something like regret. ]
Divorce. [ The word seems to hang in the air as Alan ponders the implications. ] There were times that I wondered if we were heading there, but- I guess that things turned out differently for us.
[ Would a divorce be better? Would she still be here? ...Would I still know Jesse? ]
I imagine he didn't take that well at all. I don't think I would have, if that was what Alice and I were facing.
[ Instead, she faced something much worse, and she faced it alone. In the end, I let her down. ]
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[ « No more shady government movings. No more entire back doors. We can't explain everything... but we can be more open. Estevez took a good step forward with Saga. I want to build on that. »
She shifts from laying on top of him to resting beside him. A small tug of his hand is given for him to follow the motion. That way they can lean against one another. Touch each other how they want with no awkwardness of positions. Just being together as they want. As gentle or passionate as they decide. ]
We should go out more regardless. You ... you probably shouldn't be a shut in.
[ She watches him closely as he takes in what she has said about their other selves. Her head tilts into his hand as it combs her fire red hair. There is no need to bring up how the story made him forget; how the Dark Presence tried go erase the memories. They both know and its behind them. In the past where it belongs.
Her hand held by his turns so she might slide her fingers between his. ]
I'm pretty sure she didn't feel alone if you reached out. [ Her voice is soft, but not buried under hurt or vulnerability. Simply gentle in recollection and pondering. ] He... he seemed resigned to the whole thing. Accepting it was what was going to happen regardless of "Departure."
[ She pauses, then: ] It was like he had already decided on trying to stay with the me he knew. That he had already decided on her.
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[ He's almost relieved when she moves to lie beside him; not because he didn't want her lying on top of him, but because having her there with him is comforting. It eases something inside him and makes it easier for him to relax. He could do that with her on top of him, but he just feels a sensation of comfort knowing all he has to do is turn his head to the side and he'll be able to see her there. ]
You think so? I don't want to be a shut-in, not necessarily, but I don't know if people should see me when I... when I- Well, you know.
[ He curls his fingers more against hers as he ponders the reactions his other self had and how her other self reacted to talking to him. ] I really hope she didn't. I wanted to help.
[ There's a brief pause as he continues weighing the information he's learning from her. ]
Resigned... so he didn't want to try and fight it, or convince her to stay. I wonder what made the difference for him. No, actually, I know what the difference was. The difference was you... the you that he was getting to know. I know that because it's the same for me.
[ I don't know when I decided on her, but I know that I did, and now here we are. ]
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Until you have people who run power hungry and decide their curiosity is more important than the lives around them. [ She pauses and a certain bristle enters her tone. One that comes from bot only professional anger but a personal one as well. What the Bureau did under Trench and Darling cost far too many lives and went unchecked. And, obviously, the same thing yas happened in Bright Falls. ] If needed? I'll make a personal stop there to keep the Research Department in order.
[ Jesse makes a small gesture of her hand to his beard and hair. ] Last time they saw you? You didn't look that way. I imagine most people wouldn't even think you're thr same person. Unless it's someone like Rose.
[ Again, she pauses. She looks down at the pillows underneath them.
« Do I really make that much of a difference for Alan? » ]
It was ... hard. Back in 2010. For me, I mean. [ « Obviously for Alan too. Even if you take away the entity from another dimension. » ] I was nineteen, out of school and out of foster homes. On my own. Polaris wouldn't talk to me for long periods of time. I learned how much people really didn't see the world as it really is behind the poster. I went to a lot of conspiracy sites trying to find anything that matched what happened to Ordinary. The Buearu.
I was in an out of psychological care because others insisted. It was the same thing there too. [ Should she tell him about the records she found? ] Finding you in 2010 would have changed a lot for me.
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[ He smiles a wry sort of smile as he glances back at her. ] Sometimes I wish there was a handbook for parautilitarians. But I guess just to be safe, I shouldn't go anywhere near Bright Falls. [ He huffs out a humorless laugh. ] And I was thinking about going during Deerfest and making a date of it with you.
[ He turns serious again as he picks up on the shift in her words and her tone. He can tell when it's time for lighthearted comments and when it's time to be serious, and now seems to be a time for seriousness. ]
Well, with that in mind, I'll definitely be staying away. There's no point in risking anyone's safety, not again, not even if I want to help. I won't make your job more difficult.
[ His expression seems to fall a little at her next words. ] That's- I mean if something sets me off, people will see it. Maybe it won't matter if they don't know it's me, but... How do you stop worrying about what people will think? [ He meant to ask how to stop being afraid of going out into the real world again, but at the last minute, he found he couldn't form the words. ]
I know it doesn't mean anything now, but I wish... [ Maybe it's too sentimental. Too mushy. Maybe she doesn't want to hear it. But I know her, she won't let me stop there. ] I wish that I'd been your friend back then, so you had someone in your corner. Although you'd probably still call me an asshole.
But picture us traveling around together going to those conspiracy sites. [ It's something he can imagine if he tries, and the more he tries, the more he wishes that had been how things had gone if they hadn't been on separate paths back then. If those paths had intersected, he wonders how things would have changed. Her next words just underline his internal wonderings. ]
I really wish we had met, then. Maybe you wouldn't have had to go through all that.
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[ A gentle smile touches her face at the idea of turning Deerfest into a date. She wishes it would be something feasible. There is just too much danger with Cauldron Lake and the fact he is an artist. Let alone what the Dark Presence would do because of their history together.
Instead of talk about that, Jesse raises her hand. She brushes his hair from his face before draping her arm back around him. ]
Well, tomorrow will be the first date. We'll plan more from there. [ She glances to the side at his next question. ] I'm not sure I'm the person to ask. I didn't care what they thought cause I knew what they'd think of me if I ever opened up. If people see you have a... you know, then, they won't relate it to Alan Wake at least. [ Jesse glances up at him. ] Would you want your hair cut?
[ A hand lifts and summons the remote. She presses down on the button, lowering the LEDs glow by just a few notches. Then, she motions for Alan to move closer. She just gets the sense that it'll be time to rest soon. ]
Would you have wanted to travel around with me when you had Alice? [ Jesse gives him a soft but pointed look. She knows how much Alan loves Alice still and can only imagine it was far stronger when they were together. ] I doubt she'd want to follow along the whims of a nineteen year old... and even if you said it was for a book? It probably wouldn't have gone well.
[ Her head tilts back for a moment as she thinks. That pull inside her partially comes from Polaris reacting to the Light inside him. Harmonizing and resonating to be stronger. It would have been present even back then, which means she would have wanted to be close to him. Intimately. It wouldn't have been fair to his wife when they belonged together. ]
If we met then and you still went to the Dark Place? It would have probably ended the same. [ Her gaze softens. Maybe that is what the other her has been going through on her path. Maybe her Alan never had to trap himself there. A slight tilt of her head in thought. ] I would have insisted you weren't dead. Just... somewhere else. I would have known you didn't drown in the Lake.
[ The feeling rings strongly through her then. Affirmation. Her eyebrows knit. Could she be resonating with the feelings from the other version of her? No, that's impossible.
Isn't it? ]
I would have waited for you to come back. Just like I did for us.
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[ Somehow, none of this makes him feel better. Not that he expected it would, but he can't seem to shake off the fear that he'll continue making bad things happen whether or not he's aware of doing it. ]
I guess if you wanted to set that up, that's... [ It's not fine, because it's not what he wants, but there are a lot of things that he doesn't want. There are a lot of things that are part of life that aren't desirable. He figures this is one of those things.
As Jesse continues speaking, Alan's gaze seems to drop, and it just keeps dropping a little at a time as his doubts start to rise. ] I don't know. I don't know what I want, or how to... how to be a person. I know, I have to rediscover that, but how do you do that, when you don't know the first thing about doing that anymore? I know I could do it, before all this. I didn't even have to think about it, but now I don't even know how to start. And- And...
[ If they won't relate what they see me doing to Alan Wake, because Alan Wake wouldn't freak out like that where everyone could see.. Who am I? I remember what the press said about me, back in the day. Those freakouts, as public as they were, were different. I was different. Why do I feel like someone who's had their identity stolen? Is it because that's what really happened?
How do I start feeling like myself again? Maybe something as small as a haircut would help. ]
Maybe I should get a haircut. Maybe it would help with... something.
[ He watches her summoning the remote and lowering the glow of the LEDs. He feels the barest amount of nervousness spark to life, but he buries it as soon as he feels it. He can't fall to pieces every time something happens, even something as small as the lights being turned down a fraction.
She motions for him to move closer, and he does so with almost practiced ease. How many times have they done this? In the loops, outside the loops, in their reality... It feels natural to him even if he can't remember every instance of doing similar things with her. He slides closer to her, wanting to press himself against her but also hesitating, because maybe he shouldn't invade all of her personal space all at once. They've probably done that before, but maybe she wants to start slowly and work back up to that level of closeness. Or maybe she doesn't and he's just overthinking it all. Again. ]
... Probably not, now that you mention it. I mean, maybe I would have done it, but it wouldn't have felt right. It- It's complicated. I might have wanted it, but it wouldn't have worked with Alice still in the picture.
[ He hopes he doesn't offend her with his words. It's the truth of the matter, but he still doesn't want to hurt her, even if she's aware of the reality of the situation.
He quiets for a moment before he continues, addressing her statements about what she would have done if he'd gone to the Dark Place. ]
I know you would have. You wouldn't give up, just like you never gave up this whole time. [ He reaches for her hand to give it a firm, warm squeeze. A gesture of thanks without so many words. ]
I don't know how I was lucky enough to meet you. Anyone else would have given up and left, but you didn't.
[ He squeezes her hand again, and this time, he actually says it. ]
... Thank you, Jesse.
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[ She guides him to rest his head on her shoulder properly. The idea of invading her space or even being too much of a weight seems ridiculous to her. They've slept together both intimately and simply sharing a bed since he's started living with her. They were intimate in the near endless loops. There is hardly a private space between them and she oddly finds herself not caring at all for it.
« Besides. I invited hi. To lay close. » ]
We'll start by going out. Doing things people do. Once you're used to it... the haircut and dates can happen later.
[ Though, them merely going out for coffee and shopping is sort of a date. ]
I would have been the third wheel. Unnecessary. [ Jesse makes the harsher conclusion. ] I'm sure the other me realized that as well. Competing against Alice would of been something I wasn't interested in. She wouldn't have been interested in it. Just... easier to leave and pretend we weren't there at all.
Especially if you two were still married.
[ She isn't sure how her younger self wrapped her head around the situation. Maybe the fact that the other Alan was going through a divorce helped. Or, maybe, they have the same connection she does to Alan. That pull that demands everything circle around it no matter what else is happening. Maybe that pull is different for their counterparts. Stronger. ]
Well, you reached out to me first. Any sort of meeting happened because of that. So... I guess you just thank yourself. [ She gives him a smirk. ] Not that you like doing that.
[ Her hand turns to slide her fingers between his. Then, a squeeze in return. She knows what he's saying. Now, if only she could lure him to sleep. ]
You don't need to thank me. Bringing you home was just as selfish for me. But... you're welcome.
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[ Better than this. Not jumping at shadows. My shadow. Acting like a person again. Eating, sleeping, going on dates. She deserves better. Why can't I be better? ]
I'm sorry, Jesse, you- you deserve a lot better than what I'm giving you, but I'm trying, even if it doesn't look like it. I'll get the tests done, and we'll go out more. Every day, if you want to. And I'm getting that haircut.
[ He tries to inject as much confidence as he can into his voice, but he's certain the effort sounds hollow. He still feels tension in his back and shoulders as that surge of anger and annoyance at himself has yet to truly dissipate, but he tries to keep that out of his voice.
Still, when she guides him to rest against her properly, he doesn't resist. He might have flashes of frustration which make it look like he's not exhausted and tired of these patterns he seems to be locked in, but the way he visibly relaxes against her says otherwise. ]
You'd never be unnecessary. That situation- it probably wouldn't ever happen, but that's not your fault. You're important, you and the other you.
[ And in all honesty, Alan hasn't quite wrapped his head around the situation with Alice even now. He certainly can't begin to wrap his head around the situation the other Jesse and the other Alan were in. He loves Jesse, and he wants to have a life with her, but even though Alice is gone, he still feels a small well of emptiness that represents the life he once had with her. That well is rapidly being filled with a new kind of happiness, but he wants that happiness to be whole. Complete. He doesn't want it tempered by the lingering effects of his thirteen years away from home.
Still, recovery can't be forced, no matter how much he wishes it could. But he's going to approach it with all the determination that he can dig up inside himself. ]
I don't think- well, you know. I don't think that I need thanks. Or deserve it, really.
[ I was desperate when I reached out to her. I can't say I don't like how that all turned out, because it brought us together, but that doesn't mean I deserve thanks.
He squeezes her hand again and a small smile turns the corners of his mouth up even as he has to stifle a small yawn. He knows himself and he knows how this all works; even if he starts to feel tired, actually sleeping is another matter entirely. Staying asleep seems impossible, if he manages to get there at all. He'd rather keep talking to Jesse until she falls asleep, knowing that she has a better chance of getting rest than he does. Maybe he'll never really be able to rest again, who knows?
But that question isn't the important one right now. The question that is important slips out easily, because he really does love her. He just wants to make sure she knows it too. ]
I love you, you know that, right?
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[ Then, a small shake of her head. ] I wouldn't say I deserve anything like that. Not after... we'll figure it out together. Right? We did it for the manuscript. We can do it for this too.
[ Her gaze moves back up to the ceiling again. ] I... [ A pause. ] Maybe the other me is necessary for their version of "Departure." Some linchpin that makes the whole thing work. That's different from being needed to someone else. Especially when that someone else is in a marriage. I--we--aren't there to be homebreakers. No matter what we might feel... if it got between you and Alice? We'd leave.
[ Jesse glances down at him in hopes he catches the sincerity she means. She knows Alan loves his ex-wife to his core. She has never wanted to get between that. Of course, it was different for her and Alan. Alice had passed by the time they met. Her other version... she wonders what it must have been like knowing Alice was alive and still having that bond with Alan. A divorce maybe mattered to a degree, but, that feeling had to nag at the back of her mind. ]
She probably feels like she'll never measure up to what Alice did for the other you.
[ « Maybe that's telling. Alan knows how to read between lines. He knows how to read ME. » ]
Yeah... I know. [ A tilt of her head as if to ask him why he has to restate it. ] So. Breakfast, coffee, and some kind of shopping. Maybe clothes for you? Groceries, probably.
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No, I think I need to do these tests and just get things figured out. But if you wanted to talk to her and see what she says, that's a start.
[ And I need to start somewhere. ]
What do you mean, you wouldn't say you deserve it? Of course you do. After everything, after Ordinary, after all the loops... you could have left, but you didn't. [ She could have found someone richer, more settled, someone who could give her a good life. What kind of life can I give her?
Out loud, he says: ] Yeah. Together sounds good. [ He wants to kick himself, to call himself an idiot. He wants her to have a good life, but he's not willing to let go of her either. And knowing her brand of stubbornness, she won't let him let her go. ]
... Maybe. I don't know. I do know that you wouldn't ever be a homewrecker. Not intentionally. I know you would, you'd leave rather than stay and...
[ It's something he's still wrestling with, and maybe a part of him will always wrestle with it. As she knows, he loves Alice, and he holds regrets for not being there when she needed him, but he loves Jesse too. Jesse became so important to him so quickly, and he barely had the time or the grasp over his own mind to process it all.
Still, he doesn't doubt Jesse's sincerity even for a second, and he's grateful for it. Her next words come, and his gray eyes that look conflicted, maybe even a little troubled as he works through everything, lock onto hers. He can read her, and he can venture a guess as to the meaning behind those words.
It's not a competition between Jesse and Alice. He loves both of them, and as far as he's concerned, Jesse doesn't have to measure up to anyone. All she has to do is be herself and be the person he's fallen in love with. ]
She doesn't have anything or anyone to measure up to. I'm sure that other me would say that without hesitation. All she has to do is be herself. [ All you have to do is be yourself, Jesse.
It's Alan's turn to hope that Jesse can hear the sincerity in his voice. ]
Yeah, that sounds good. I'll help pay for it, too. [ He's still trying to wrap his head around the thorny legal matters about his assets and possessions, and a lot of it just makes his head hurt, but it's something he can't avoid forever.
He lapses into a brief silence as he nestles himself a little further against her, not wanting to take up too much space or get too close that it becomes uncomfortable, but being close to her reassures him that this is real and not just some nightmare that he'll jolt awake from, finding himself right back where he started again. ]
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[ Jesse's look softens. Shoulders curl slightly. She doesn't deserve it because so much of things are her fault. Dylan being captured and treated the way he was. The Slide Projector being in the hands of the Bureau. The Hiss. Even... even the amount of loops has to be in part to her own fault. How can it not be? She forced the story to go her way. They could of solved it so much quicker if she hadn't been so insistent... ]
I'm not blameless in anything. [ No further comment is made. The tone of guilt is clear enough in her voice. ] We're two people who have been messed up by otherworldly forces. Being not-normal is... that's enough. More than enough. Even if there are struggles sometimes.
Unintentionally wouldn't matter. Ordinary was screwed up enough. I wouldn't want to cause that to break down too. I'm sure she wouldn't either. [ A sharp inhale and a tilt of her head back into the pillow. Red hair frames her face, coming down slightly over the shoulder that he doesn't lean into. ] I doubt you or the other version of you would let us disappear without a trace.
[ Her gaze softens and she looks away from him. A small frown appears. Clearly, it's not just a thought that her other self has. She feels unable to measure up to Alice. She's sure that Alice Wake would have been able to help with his night terrors--his inability to eat, or sleep, or step outside. Alan had only spun out because of a source outside their marriage. If she was still there then she could of helped Alan so much more than what Jesse is able to do for him.
« I'm not even good at comforting. » ]
It's not that easy though, is it? Just being ourselves. Having an alien resonance that talks to us in our heads. Not knowing the best way to help or be normal in a relationship... when you need it. When he might need it.
[ A sigh of frustration before she waves her free hand as if to dismiss the thoughts and conversation. She doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want him to know how she feels inferior to help him if it's not in the realm of weird. That isn't for him to deal with. That's her shit. He has enough on his plate.
Her hand wraps around the remote again. A few more notches down, but the LEDs are still on.
She rests her cheek at the top of his head and just closes her eyes. ] We'll figure it out.
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Beneath it all, he feels ripples of anxiety, of stress, and he doesn't really know what to do about them. He doesn't know how to let go and just live.
Still, it doesn't matter. Jesse needs to see that he's appreciative, and also that he's improving. Except he doesn't feel like he is, and he thinks he can see that in her eyes too: a worry that he's not getting better, that maybe he'll be like this forever. Can he really subject her to a lifetime of a life like this? ]
You were a kid when all this happened to you. How were you supposed to know what to do? You handled it how you could, with what you had at the time. No one expected you to make adult decisions, and if they did, well, then, they'd be wrong.
[ He forces himself to breathe through his nose in an effort to make himself relax. Tension is coiling itself up in his shoulders and in his back, and he's trying to push it back down. They need to rest; she needs to sleep. She's the one who still goes to work and deals with who knows what during the day. He can't be selfish and keep her from getting the rest he needs. He knows he's spent too long being selfish already. ]
It would matter, because none of it would be your fault. Maybe the fault for all of this lies with me. With him. I really am selfish.
[ I dragged her into this without so much as asking, and I went after her because part of me wanted to be with her, even if I didn't realize that's what it was at the time. I'm a selfish ass.
A conflicted look pulls at his face even though he tries to push it away, to remain impassive. He wants these internal struggles to go away, but they just don't seem to want to go. ]
Maybe what we need is to meet in the middle. Maybe I should need less. Demand less. It's not your job to take care of me.
[ He feels her rest her cheek against the top of his head, and for what he intends to be only a second, he allows his eyes to briefly close too. ]
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[ Not since Ordinary. She can't run away; can't turn her back. Too many things go wrong. All the damage to the Oldest House with the Hiss is because she showed the Slide Projector to Darling and Trench.
They'll figure it out. They have to. All of this can't be for nothing. Alan fought so long to get out of the Dark Place. It can't just fall apart now that he's home. He can't fall apart. ]
Well, I'm not a kid now. Time to learn and not repeat. Right? Time to learn from the mistakes and not repeat them.
[ A hand timidly rests between his shoulderblade with her cheek to the top of his head. She's never been good at comforting. It probably doesn't help. Still, she's trying to do what she can for him. ]
Isn't... part of things like this to care for each other? I've--none of my relationships really ended well. Obviously. Still, I didn't let any of them in. That's different here. Which means I repay the favor and take care of you.
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But even as he thinks that, he knows that if she ran away, he'd sink again and hit rock bottom, and this time, there wouldn't be recovery. With nothing keeping him afloat, he knows he wouldn't make it very long. Willpower alone wouldn't be enough. ]
That goes for me too, but I don't know if I can do it this time. I'm going to try, of course. I won't be like that person back in 2010. [ Alan's not sure how this will go, but he knows he doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes that he made back then.
He needs to face his problems and not try to drown them out with the things he tried before. Can he do it? He hopes he can, but whether he really can or not is anyone's guess.
Instinctively, he moves to meet the hand at his shoulderblade. Her touch always draws a response from him, makes him seek out her touches instead of pulling away from them. She might think it doesn't help, but it does. It relaxes him. Reminds him that he's home. This is real. ]
Maybe, but... this isn't going to be easy. And even when things were good, back before all this started, it wasn't easy. Now, it really is different.
[ I have her with me, and I love her, but it's going to be hard. Really hard. I'm afraid she'll want to run, even if she says she doesn't.
Out loud, he says: ] There's no favor that you need to pay back. You paid it in all the loops, and outside the loops too. But if you let me just be with you, and let me make up for those other relationships, that's... that's enough.
[ And then he shifts again, still searching for more of that closeness, that touch that helps relax him. ]
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