synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

[ As they make their way down the street past the storefronts, Alan finds himself having to try his different methods to stay grounded: pinching his wrist, breathing through his nose... It's not that this is hard for him; sometimes his mind still has random brief flashbacks even now, and all he wants to do is just be in the moment.

Jesse deserves that much. Hell, he's starting to finally accept that he deserves that much too. ]

Before you tell me it's our apartment, it was your apartment first. If all you're okay with is a tree, I'm okay with that too.

[ In other words, if she doesn't want to go nuts with decorations, Alan won't. He's not sure he really wants that anyway. ]

[ She casts a long glance at him. It feels as if he is trying so damn hard to make up for "Return." Repair something damaged after he left her at the campgrounds to drive back to Bright Falls. The whole affair bothers her, just as Ordinary does from time to time, but she doesn't blame him.

It was the way the story went. ]

I had small trees before. Ones you'd set on a desk. When I kept moving around? There didn't seem to be a point. I'm not the person to ask how to decorate or what would be the right thing...

[ Alan catches the look she gives him — not sharp, not angry, but something else. Something honest. Pointed. Not like "I'm going to stab you" pointed, but sharp enough that he feels something like a sting or a jab.

He'll never really understand why she didn't grab him with her mind and throw him around once or twice. ]

Okay, so we get a tree, one that fits in the apartment. And... decorations. Ornaments. [ He's trying to remember what people usually do for Christmas decorations. ]

What do you want for Christmas? [ He asks it casually, but the words feel strange to him, and not only because he hasn't said them in so long. Sometimes he still can't believe that he's here with Jesse. Together. ]

Okay. [ A nod. Jesse looks forward. ] Maybe a fake tree this year. Just to get used to the idea for both of us.

I'd be fine just ... sitting at home. Some nice music. [ The "fireplace" going. ] Emily may stop by, same with Arish. I'll... need to visit Dylan too.

[ « Assuming nothing breaks out at work. » ]

[ Alan makes a sound that's sort of like a hum but with no tune involved; it might seem like a noncommittal answer, but it's basically him saying "yeah, that sounds doable", which might as well be a ringing endorsement coming from him. ]

A fake tree’s fine. Better than real branches drying out and catching fire or something. [ For some reason, talking about trees brings to mind the sight of trees snapping like twigs and flying towards him like projectiles. Still, it's a Christmas tree. It's Christmas. They're going to make it a good holiday. ]

We'll figure it out, one string of lights at a time. [ He pauses. ] That sounds good, though. [ Music, the fireplace, maybe Jesse's friends from work stopping by. ]

I should get you something, though. [ He means he wants to get her something: a proper present, something she'd like. ]

Fire is the last thing we need in our relationship. [ « Then again, someone would probably say that's a lot of our relationship. Endless fires being put out. » ]

Any colors you want? [ There's single colors, mutlicolors. Since they're talking about one string at a time anyways. ] Are you sure you don't want me to reach out to Barry or someone...?

[ Maybe not Rose. That's a headache Jesse doesn't want to deal with. Not to mention she is a little territorial. ]

You don't need to.

You're probably right, but fire does remind me of you. [ Although he knows she's right. They've had to deal with way too many fires in their relationship since they first met. ]

All right, so a fake tree, and... [ He pauses to think. ] Multicolor, maybe? But white fits you and Polaris. [ He's not entirely sure why he's thinking about things in the context of her and Polaris, but maybe it's an old habit. He can't help but think about her hair that's red like fire and white like the color of a North Star. Maybe it's not a perfect analogy, but Alan's not necessarily going for perfect. ]

Barry's probably got his own life now. I don't think I should drag him back into mine without a really good reason.

[ He snaps to attention almost immediately when she responds to his intent to get her a Christmas present. ]

I don't need to do a lot of things, but I'm giving you a Christmas present.

[ She glances up at him at that. Fire is usually red or orange, so she imagines that's the relation to the hair color. Then, Polaris has always come off as a star to him. How much of that is because of her name for the friendly resonance is something she has always wondered. ]

She usually shows up as white or really light blue. [ Jesse is aware of how awkward she sounds saying that. She can't remember if she's ever explained to Alan that she can see Polaris as well. ] Does that say "Christmas" to you though?

[ She frowns slightly, only because it hurts to see how much of his old life he is leaving behind. She can't imagine Barry wanting to be left out of the fact Alan is back. Then again, they haven't really properly announced Alan Wake is back from disappearing. So far he's just a potential ghost writer for "Night Springs." ]

... why? [ The question comes off in those smaller tones she uses when something vulnerable is struck. ] You being here to celebrate the holiday is enough of a present. Really.

[ He doesn’t answer at first, not because he doesn't have anything to say, but because Jesse rarely uses that tone, and he's come to recognize what it means when she does. It's quiet and vulnerable and it feels like it comes from somewhere deeper. He recognizes it and he can relate to it, because he's used a similar tone before. ]

That's why.

[ His own tone is low and quiet, and he lets out a sigh as if he's trying to make sense of the thoughts crowding his mind. ]

No one ever said that before, at least not that I can remember. Just being here is a gift? It's enough for you? I can't remember hearing that from anyone before, but I guess that doesn't mean a lot, because there's a lot I can't remember.

[ He glances sidelong at her and asks: ] Are you sure you're not a writer? Because it feels like you're rewriting me, my identity. [ She makes him feel like he's someone who matters, and he hopes he makes her feel that way too. Of course he knows that she might elbow him or pin him with a look for saying something so cheesy, but he can't help it. ]

Well, Christmas usually comes with snow and stars and things like that, right? It's not just red and green.

[ « Did Alice really say nothing like that at all before? I can't really believe that. She was willing to help him from... wherever she is now. How could she not say that at one time having Alan with her was what she wanted?

Maybe I'm just THAT weird. »

She's quiet as they walk. Green eyes downcast on the sidewalk underneath them. There's a sharp inhale. How does she even respond to any of that? Alan's the one with the words and the realm of putting them together. ]

I didn't have anyone for years. Not really. People tried, but, I couldn't let them in. They didn't accept anything I knew. [ She hopes he doesn't remember that time in the Writer's Room with some of her memories out for him to hear. Those are things she'd rather keep to herself. Things she feels people don't need to know about her because she's moved on from that point. ] It was just me... and sometimes Polaris.

So, yeah. It's enough.

[ She glances to the side. ] Maybe it's not rewriting. Maybe it's restoring.

And now you're stuck with me. Well, not really, because it's your place, your life, you could say you've had enough. I mean, I don't think I'd go that easily, but...

If you really wanted me to go, I guess I'd- [ He shakes his head. He knows he doesn't want to go, just as part of him knows she wouldn't really tell him to go, not after both of them fought this hard to get where they are right now. ]

There's room for me with you and Polaris, right? [ He asks not because he doesn't know, but because he wants to hear the answer just one more time. ]

Restoring. Yeah. Restoring sounds right. Rebuilding too, in a way.

oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

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