synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

OCEANVIEW PATHS

but we can leave our gilded cages.

Two worlds colliding
There ain't no bargaining
No giving in without a fight CODE BY TESSISAMESS

But are they really fine? How much do they remember? After- after everything that happened, I wouldn't be surprised if some of them found it hard to even consider going back to normal. If such a thing as normal even existed, after all of that; after everything that happened because of me... because of a story I was trying to fix.

[ He goes quiet for a minute or two as his mind tries to bring to mind everyone who died because they just happened to be there as the story was unfolding. He can't remember all the names, and he can barely picture their faces, but he knows that people died. People were murdered because of him. Scratch murdered people, and he knows he can't pretend he has no responsibility for those deaths. ]

I hope that Rose is all right... the people at the nursing home too. I hope their lives weren't ruined too badly because of me.

[ The touch of her hand on his beard makes him sigh with contentment even though there's still a combination of doubt, guilt, and worry pulling at him. It doesn't feel awkward or slow to him. He's always liked the way it feels when her fingers brush against his beard. Truthfully, he likes it whenever she touches him at all, and he's never really bothered hiding it. ]

I want you to get to do things that you want, though. If an actual date with dinner and a movie is what you want, I want that too.

[ He pauses again as he ponders her words. She's right in that he still finds the thought of eating anything difficult, and the actual action even more so. Something inside him recoils from the idea, and he barely understands why. ]

It isn't, but I can't keep refusing it, can I? Maybe I just have to do it, no matter what I want or don't want. And, well, people are going to find out one way or another.

[ He huffs out a dry laugh. ] Imagine the first person to find out that I'm back is a waitress in a restaurant. That is, if anyone recognizes me at all.

[ Shrugging his shoulders, he adds: ] How about we go to your favorite place to eat and you can order whatever you want, and I'll... I'll pick something to start with. Maybe it'll go better this time.

I'm not sure how much meeting me helped that version of you. [ His brow furrows as he tries to remember it. ] Was that you in another reality, or was that you and I reached out to you earlier than we both knew? That's a headscratcher of a thought.

Edited 2024-05-08 05:06 (UTC)

I don't think Bright Falls is ever really normal. They live in the area of Cauldron Lake. Things seem to be as normal as they'll ever get for them. We'll know if anything happens and I'll let you know too. Okay? Just... try not to worry so much. We're handling it.

[ She gives him a smile and brushes along his beard again at his sigh. It never feels as if she'll ever be able to help him like he needs it. Worrying, stressing, anxiety about Cauldron Lake. He's trying to manage it and given how he reacted to sedation? She'll never suggest medication for him. ]

Rose is fine. Maybe waiting for her darling writer to reach out and contact her. [ Something in her cringes at even saying it. ] You should. Maybe send her a thank you gift or something. She did everything you asked... if you did ask.

[ « Do the things I want to do? I want to just be with him. Make things happier for him. I'm not sure I will ever be able to do that for him. Is he really happy here? »

Will Alan ever let himself be happy? ]

Okay. We'll go out shopping tomorrow then eat. [ Jesse rests her cheek against his shoulder again and closes her eyes. ] They might not recongize you with the beard and long hair. Wouldn't that be a good thing?

[ She pauses. ] It wasn't me. I'd remember if I met you in 2010. [ Jesse shifts slightly. ] Things weren't good then for me. I doubt they were for her either. I had already talked to therapists by that point when it came to Ordinary. People already didn't believe me. I imagine she felt just as lonely as I did... which means anyone believing her helped. Even if she didn't show it.

The "you" I seemed to always reach seemed like he was struggling a lot with everything in Bright Falls. But... [ Jesse pauses, debating if she should say what she wants to say. Ultimately, she supposes they can't avoid talking about Alice Wake forever. ] He mentioned a divorce.

Maybe not, but you can't say that I didn't make it worse. I- I took what was there and used it, and the Dark Presence twisted all of it in ways that I never even considered. I never intended for any of this to happen, but that doesn't explain it away. That doesn't make it better. I- I'm sorry. I know, I shouldn't worry, but I can't not worry when I know it's my fault, and now you're having to clean up what I caused.

[ If only he could shut off the worried thoughts, the anxieties, the fears... but the only way he knows that might quiet his worried mind is medication, and as Jesse's already thought, he won't ever go on medication again if he can help it. He doesn't want to go back to sleep, even if the medication he might take wouldn't knock him out. He wants to stay himself, and he imagines that anything he might take would push him down again. Maybe not to the point of drowning, but anything is too close for him. ]

Yeah. You know what, I'll do that. I'll write a letter, and I'll... I'll send her something. Maybe I should write a letter addressed to the whole town too. I feel like I need to apologize.

[ He shifts his weight so he's leaning a little more against her, seeking out closeness and reassurance, and he smiles when he feels her resting her cheek against his shoulder. He can't answer the question of whether he'll ever let himself be happy; it's one of many things he doesn't know how to answer. He's trying to put the pieces back together, trying to be a semi-stable man again, but jury's out on whether or not that's working.

He wants to be happy because she makes him happy, but he knows he has a long journey ahead of him still. ]

Yeah, you're right, that's good. Maybe they won't know it's me because I don't look the same. I guess we'll use this as a kind of test run, huh? If it works, maybe we can go out more. Again.

[ His expression turns thoughtful as he weighs her words. ] And I'd know if I met you. You're pretty unforgettable. [ His breath catches as those words strike a chord; didn't he start to forget her once, or twice, or three times? Didn't he forget her until she reminded him? He believes she's unforgettable, but things outside his control did their best to get in the way, to make him forget.

He reaches out to touch her fire-red hair, remembering a dim memory of how he mentioned loving her hair. He still loves her hair, and her green eyes too. ] I know. I mean, I got that feeling too, and I wanted to help. I don't know if I did. I hope I did. I hope she didn't feel alone when she was talking to me.

[ The subject turns to the version of himself that she met, and something in Alan's eyes seems to darken in thoughtfulness, and perhaps something like regret. ]

Divorce. [ The word seems to hang in the air as Alan ponders the implications. ] There were times that I wondered if we were heading there, but- I guess that things turned out differently for us.

[ Would a divorce be better? Would she still be here? ...Would I still know Jesse? ]

I imagine he didn't take that well at all. I don't think I would have, if that was what Alice and I were facing.

[ Instead, she faced something much worse, and she faced it alone. In the end, I let her down. ]

That's part of what we do, Alan. We clean up. Trench and Darling did what they could to clean up Ordinary... even if I still don't agree with how they did it. They oversaw how the handling of Bright Falls was previously. I'm not going to make the same mistakes. We'll work with the local government and the people there. Offer what help we can. Better understand what's happening.

[ « No more shady government movings. No more entire back doors. We can't explain everything... but we can be more open. Estevez took a good step forward with Saga. I want to build on that. »

She shifts from laying on top of him to resting beside him. A small tug of his hand is given for him to follow the motion. That way they can lean against one another. Touch each other how they want with no awkwardness of positions. Just being together as they want. As gentle or passionate as they decide. ]

We should go out more regardless. You ... you probably shouldn't be a shut in.

[ She watches him closely as he takes in what she has said about their other selves. Her head tilts into his hand as it combs her fire red hair. There is no need to bring up how the story made him forget; how the Dark Presence tried go erase the memories. They both know and its behind them. In the past where it belongs.

Her hand held by his turns so she might slide her fingers between his. ]

I'm pretty sure she didn't feel alone if you reached out. [ Her voice is soft, but not buried under hurt or vulnerability. Simply gentle in recollection and pondering. ] He... he seemed resigned to the whole thing. Accepting it was what was going to happen regardless of "Departure."

[ She pauses, then: ] It was like he had already decided on trying to stay with the me he knew. That he had already decided on her.

I wish that I could help with the cleanup. Everything there is a mess because of me. I should be there helping put things back in order. I could explain myself in a letter, or try to, anyway, but I bet that there's a lot of people there who hate me because of what I did. A letter won't make that go away.

[ He's almost relieved when she moves to lie beside him; not because he didn't want her lying on top of him, but because having her there with him is comforting. It eases something inside him and makes it easier for him to relax. He could do that with her on top of him, but he just feels a sensation of comfort knowing all he has to do is turn his head to the side and he'll be able to see her there. ]

You think so? I don't want to be a shut-in, not necessarily, but I don't know if people should see me when I... when I- Well, you know.

[ He curls his fingers more against hers as he ponders the reactions his other self had and how her other self reacted to talking to him. ] I really hope she didn't. I wanted to help.

[ There's a brief pause as he continues weighing the information he's learning from her. ]

Resigned... so he didn't want to try and fight it, or convince her to stay. I wonder what made the difference for him. No, actually, I know what the difference was. The difference was you... the you that he was getting to know. I know that because it's the same for me.

[ I don't know when I decided on her, but I know that I did, and now here we are. ]

I think the best thing for you to do right now is to figure out how your ability works. [ She gives him a look. ] Once we know how it works? You can do things confidently and we can see about making amends and helping Bright Falls more. We still don't know if the Dark Presence is going to simply react to a artist in the area or not. I mean, it seems like it, but that's why the Research Department handles what they do.

Until you have people who run power hungry and decide their curiosity is more important than the lives around them. [ She pauses and a certain bristle enters her tone. One that comes from bot only professional anger but a personal one as well. What the Bureau did under Trench and Darling cost far too many lives and went unchecked. And, obviously, the same thing yas happened in Bright Falls. ] If needed? I'll make a personal stop there to keep the Research Department in order.

[ Jesse makes a small gesture of her hand to his beard and hair. ] Last time they saw you? You didn't look that way. I imagine most people wouldn't even think you're thr same person. Unless it's someone like Rose.

[ Again, she pauses. She looks down at the pillows underneath them.

« Do I really make that much of a difference for Alan? » ]

It was ... hard. Back in 2010. For me, I mean. [ « Obviously for Alan too. Even if you take away the entity from another dimension. » ] I was nineteen, out of school and out of foster homes. On my own. Polaris wouldn't talk to me for long periods of time. I learned how much people really didn't see the world as it really is behind the poster. I went to a lot of conspiracy sites trying to find anything that matched what happened to Ordinary. The Buearu.

I was in an out of psychological care because others insisted. It was the same thing there too. [ Should she tell him about the records she found? ] Finding you in 2010 would have changed a lot for me.

How do I do that? I mean, where do I start? I thought I had things figured out when I was still in the Dark Place, at least to the point that I could make things happen when I needed them to. But now that I'm out, I'm realizing that I don't know very much at all.

[ He smiles a wry sort of smile as he glances back at her. ] Sometimes I wish there was a handbook for parautilitarians. But I guess just to be safe, I shouldn't go anywhere near Bright Falls. [ He huffs out a humorless laugh. ] And I was thinking about going during Deerfest and making a date of it with you.

[ He turns serious again as he picks up on the shift in her words and her tone. He can tell when it's time for lighthearted comments and when it's time to be serious, and now seems to be a time for seriousness. ]

Well, with that in mind, I'll definitely be staying away. There's no point in risking anyone's safety, not again, not even if I want to help. I won't make your job more difficult.

[ His expression seems to fall a little at her next words. ] That's- I mean if something sets me off, people will see it. Maybe it won't matter if they don't know it's me, but... How do you stop worrying about what people will think? [ He meant to ask how to stop being afraid of going out into the real world again, but at the last minute, he found he couldn't form the words. ]

I know it doesn't mean anything now, but I wish... [ Maybe it's too sentimental. Too mushy. Maybe she doesn't want to hear it. But I know her, she won't let me stop there. ] I wish that I'd been your friend back then, so you had someone in your corner. Although you'd probably still call me an asshole.

But picture us traveling around together going to those conspiracy sites. [ It's something he can imagine if he tries, and the more he tries, the more he wishes that had been how things had gone if they hadn't been on separate paths back then. If those paths had intersected, he wonders how things would have changed. Her next words just underline his internal wonderings. ]

I really wish we had met, then. Maybe you wouldn't have had to go through all that.

Usually the Bureau has tests to determine what kind of abilities a parautalitarian has. [ She says it softly, hesitantly, knowing Alan doesn't want to feel like a test subject. ] Emily had me do them when I arrived at the Oldest House. Trying to determine what I could do or couldn't do. I don't think your powers work because of the Dark Place... you wrote the Alex Casey books before it. That means you were probably using them without realizing.

[ A gentle smile touches her face at the idea of turning Deerfest into a date. She wishes it would be something feasible. There is just too much danger with Cauldron Lake and the fact he is an artist. Let alone what the Dark Presence would do because of their history together.

Instead of talk about that, Jesse raises her hand. She brushes his hair from his face before draping her arm back around him. ]

Well, tomorrow will be the first date. We'll plan more from there. [ She glances to the side at his next question. ] I'm not sure I'm the person to ask. I didn't care what they thought cause I knew what they'd think of me if I ever opened up. If people see you have a... you know, then, they won't relate it to Alan Wake at least. [ Jesse glances up at him. ] Would you want your hair cut?

[ A hand lifts and summons the remote. She presses down on the button, lowering the LEDs glow by just a few notches. Then, she motions for Alan to move closer. She just gets the sense that it'll be time to rest soon. ]

Would you have wanted to travel around with me when you had Alice? [ Jesse gives him a soft but pointed look. She knows how much Alan loves Alice still and can only imagine it was far stronger when they were together. ] I doubt she'd want to follow along the whims of a nineteen year old... and even if you said it was for a book? It probably wouldn't have gone well.

[ Her head tilts back for a moment as she thinks. That pull inside her partially comes from Polaris reacting to the Light inside him. Harmonizing and resonating to be stronger. It would have been present even back then, which means she would have wanted to be close to him. Intimately. It wouldn't have been fair to his wife when they belonged together. ]

If we met then and you still went to the Dark Place? It would have probably ended the same. [ Her gaze softens. Maybe that is what the other her has been going through on her path. Maybe her Alan never had to trap himself there. A slight tilt of her head in thought. ] I would have insisted you weren't dead. Just... somewhere else. I would have known you didn't drown in the Lake.

[ The feeling rings strongly through her then. Affirmation. Her eyebrows knit. Could she be resonating with the feelings from the other version of her? No, that's impossible.

Isn't it? ]

I would have waited for you to come back. Just like I did for us.

Tests, huh? [ Alan's lips press together forming a thin line. No, he doesn't like the idea of tests. Of being tested. It makes him feel nervous, and he feels a small amount of apprehension forming that he tries to quickly push away. ] I don't know how I feel about that, but it's not something I can avoid. It's not something I should avoid.

[ Somehow, none of this makes him feel better. Not that he expected it would, but he can't seem to shake off the fear that he'll continue making bad things happen whether or not he's aware of doing it. ]

I guess if you wanted to set that up, that's... [ It's not fine, because it's not what he wants, but there are a lot of things that he doesn't want. There are a lot of things that are part of life that aren't desirable. He figures this is one of those things.

As Jesse continues speaking, Alan's gaze seems to drop, and it just keeps dropping a little at a time as his doubts start to rise. ] I don't know. I don't know what I want, or how to... how to be a person. I know, I have to rediscover that, but how do you do that, when you don't know the first thing about doing that anymore? I know I could do it, before all this. I didn't even have to think about it, but now I don't even know how to start. And- And...

[ If they won't relate what they see me doing to Alan Wake, because Alan Wake wouldn't freak out like that where everyone could see.. Who am I? I remember what the press said about me, back in the day. Those freakouts, as public as they were, were different. I was different. Why do I feel like someone who's had their identity stolen? Is it because that's what really happened?

How do I start feeling like myself again? Maybe something as small as a haircut would help. ]

Maybe I should get a haircut. Maybe it would help with... something.

[ He watches her summoning the remote and lowering the glow of the LEDs. He feels the barest amount of nervousness spark to life, but he buries it as soon as he feels it. He can't fall to pieces every time something happens, even something as small as the lights being turned down a fraction.

She motions for him to move closer, and he does so with almost practiced ease. How many times have they done this? In the loops, outside the loops, in their reality... It feels natural to him even if he can't remember every instance of doing similar things with her. He slides closer to her, wanting to press himself against her but also hesitating, because maybe he shouldn't invade all of her personal space all at once. They've probably done that before, but maybe she wants to start slowly and work back up to that level of closeness. Or maybe she doesn't and he's just overthinking it all. Again. ]

... Probably not, now that you mention it. I mean, maybe I would have done it, but it wouldn't have felt right. It- It's complicated. I might have wanted it, but it wouldn't have worked with Alice still in the picture.

[ He hopes he doesn't offend her with his words. It's the truth of the matter, but he still doesn't want to hurt her, even if she's aware of the reality of the situation.

He quiets for a moment before he continues, addressing her statements about what she would have done if he'd gone to the Dark Place. ]

I know you would have. You wouldn't give up, just like you never gave up this whole time. [ He reaches for her hand to give it a firm, warm squeeze. A gesture of thanks without so many words. ]

I don't know how I was lucky enough to meet you. Anyone else would have given up and left, but you didn't.

[ He squeezes her hand again, and this time, he actually says it. ]

... Thank you, Jesse.

They're not... invasive. They test what you can do. What you can't. [ Her tone drops to those soft and vulnerable ones. Waiting for him to outright reject the idea. Not that she can blame him. She just hoped that if he knew she went through them it would be easier. ] We don't have to. It was just an idea.

[ She guides him to rest his head on her shoulder properly. The idea of invading her space or even being too much of a weight seems ridiculous to her. They've slept together both intimately and simply sharing a bed since he's started living with her. They were intimate in the near endless loops. There is hardly a private space between them and she oddly finds herself not caring at all for it.

« Besides. I invited hi. To lay close. » ]

We'll start by going out. Doing things people do. Once you're used to it... the haircut and dates can happen later.

[ Though, them merely going out for coffee and shopping is sort of a date. ]

I would have been the third wheel. Unnecessary. [ Jesse makes the harsher conclusion. ] I'm sure the other me realized that as well. Competing against Alice would of been something I wasn't interested in. She wouldn't have been interested in it. Just... easier to leave and pretend we weren't there at all.

Especially if you two were still married.

[ She isn't sure how her younger self wrapped her head around the situation. Maybe the fact that the other Alan was going through a divorce helped. Or, maybe, they have the same connection she does to Alan. That pull that demands everything circle around it no matter what else is happening. Maybe that pull is different for their counterparts. Stronger. ]

Well, you reached out to me first. Any sort of meeting happened because of that. So... I guess you just thank yourself. [ She gives him a smirk. ] Not that you like doing that.

[ Her hand turns to slide her fingers between his. Then, a squeeze in return. She knows what he's saying. Now, if only she could lure him to sleep. ]

You don't need to thank me. Bringing you home was just as selfish for me. But... you're welcome.

No, I- That's not what I meant. [ Abruptly, his hands bunch into fists as a sudden spike of frustration directed at himself rises. ] Why can't I just say what I mean? I don't mind that, if it's how you said it is, I just- Damn it, I want to be better.

[ Better than this. Not jumping at shadows. My shadow. Acting like a person again. Eating, sleeping, going on dates. She deserves better. Why can't I be better? ]

I'm sorry, Jesse, you- you deserve a lot better than what I'm giving you, but I'm trying, even if it doesn't look like it. I'll get the tests done, and we'll go out more. Every day, if you want to. And I'm getting that haircut.

[ He tries to inject as much confidence as he can into his voice, but he's certain the effort sounds hollow. He still feels tension in his back and shoulders as that surge of anger and annoyance at himself has yet to truly dissipate, but he tries to keep that out of his voice.

Still, when she guides him to rest against her properly, he doesn't resist. He might have flashes of frustration which make it look like he's not exhausted and tired of these patterns he seems to be locked in, but the way he visibly relaxes against her says otherwise. ]

You'd never be unnecessary. That situation- it probably wouldn't ever happen, but that's not your fault. You're important, you and the other you.

[ And in all honesty, Alan hasn't quite wrapped his head around the situation with Alice even now. He certainly can't begin to wrap his head around the situation the other Jesse and the other Alan were in. He loves Jesse, and he wants to have a life with her, but even though Alice is gone, he still feels a small well of emptiness that represents the life he once had with her. That well is rapidly being filled with a new kind of happiness, but he wants that happiness to be whole. Complete. He doesn't want it tempered by the lingering effects of his thirteen years away from home.

Still, recovery can't be forced, no matter how much he wishes it could. But he's going to approach it with all the determination that he can dig up inside himself. ]

I don't think- well, you know. I don't think that I need thanks. Or deserve it, really.

[ I was desperate when I reached out to her. I can't say I don't like how that all turned out, because it brought us together, but that doesn't mean I deserve thanks.

He squeezes her hand again and a small smile turns the corners of his mouth up even as he has to stifle a small yawn. He knows himself and he knows how this all works; even if he starts to feel tired, actually sleeping is another matter entirely. Staying asleep seems impossible, if he manages to get there at all. He'd rather keep talking to Jesse until she falls asleep, knowing that she has a better chance of getting rest than he does. Maybe he'll never really be able to rest again, who knows?

But that question isn't the important one right now. The question that is important slips out easily, because he really does love her. He just wants to make sure she knows it too. ]

I love you, you know that, right?

Edited 2024-05-29 16:31 (UTC)

The tests can wait. There's not a rush. [ Her tone remains soft, glancing to the side with a small frown on her face. Not at him. It's directed at herself. ] I can talk to Emily though... and see what she recommends. That's where we can start.

[ Then, a small shake of her head. ] I wouldn't say I deserve anything like that. Not after... we'll figure it out together. Right? We did it for the manuscript. We can do it for this too.

[ Her gaze moves back up to the ceiling again. ] I... [ A pause. ] Maybe the other me is necessary for their version of "Departure." Some linchpin that makes the whole thing work. That's different from being needed to someone else. Especially when that someone else is in a marriage. I--we--aren't there to be homebreakers. No matter what we might feel... if it got between you and Alice? We'd leave.

[ Jesse glances down at him in hopes he catches the sincerity she means. She knows Alan loves his ex-wife to his core. She has never wanted to get between that. Of course, it was different for her and Alan. Alice had passed by the time they met. Her other version... she wonders what it must have been like knowing Alice was alive and still having that bond with Alan. A divorce maybe mattered to a degree, but, that feeling had to nag at the back of her mind. ]

She probably feels like she'll never measure up to what Alice did for the other you.

[ « Maybe that's telling. Alan knows how to read between lines. He knows how to read ME. » ]

Yeah... I know. [ A tilt of her head as if to ask him why he has to restate it. ] So. Breakfast, coffee, and some kind of shopping. Maybe clothes for you? Groceries, probably.

[ If Alan were sitting up and not lying beside Jesse with his head on her shoulder, he'd move to put his head in his hands. Sometimes the decisions he has to make seem overwhelming, but even when they threaten to become too much, he remembers how hard he fought to get out of the Dark Place so he could come home. He wanted to come home, so even if everything becomes more overwhelming to the point that he's not sure how to deal with it all, he knows it's worth it. ]

No, I think I need to do these tests and just get things figured out. But if you wanted to talk to her and see what she says, that's a start.

[ And I need to start somewhere. ]

What do you mean, you wouldn't say you deserve it? Of course you do. After everything, after Ordinary, after all the loops... you could have left, but you didn't. [ She could have found someone richer, more settled, someone who could give her a good life. What kind of life can I give her?

Out loud, he says: ] Yeah. Together sounds good. [ He wants to kick himself, to call himself an idiot. He wants her to have a good life, but he's not willing to let go of her either. And knowing her brand of stubbornness, she won't let him let her go. ]

... Maybe. I don't know. I do know that you wouldn't ever be a homewrecker. Not intentionally. I know you would, you'd leave rather than stay and...

[ It's something he's still wrestling with, and maybe a part of him will always wrestle with it. As she knows, he loves Alice, and he holds regrets for not being there when she needed him, but he loves Jesse too. Jesse became so important to him so quickly, and he barely had the time or the grasp over his own mind to process it all.

Still, he doesn't doubt Jesse's sincerity even for a second, and he's grateful for it. Her next words come, and his gray eyes that look conflicted, maybe even a little troubled as he works through everything, lock onto hers. He can read her, and he can venture a guess as to the meaning behind those words.

It's not a competition between Jesse and Alice. He loves both of them, and as far as he's concerned, Jesse doesn't have to measure up to anyone. All she has to do is be herself and be the person he's fallen in love with. ]

She doesn't have anything or anyone to measure up to. I'm sure that other me would say that without hesitation. All she has to do is be herself. [ All you have to do is be yourself, Jesse.

It's Alan's turn to hope that Jesse can hear the sincerity in his voice. ]

Yeah, that sounds good. I'll help pay for it, too. [ He's still trying to wrap his head around the thorny legal matters about his assets and possessions, and a lot of it just makes his head hurt, but it's something he can't avoid forever.

He lapses into a brief silence as he nestles himself a little further against her, not wanting to take up too much space or get too close that it becomes uncomfortable, but being close to her reassures him that this is real and not just some nightmare that he'll jolt awake from, finding himself right back where he started again. ]

... okay. [ She looks back at him with the frown on her face. Worried. She imagines Alan won't want to have much to do with any of it. He won't like how scientific the approaches are. She imagines it'll only stress him more. How much more can he handle? ] I'll talk to her when I go into the Oldest House after tomorrow.

[ Jesse's look softens. Shoulders curl slightly. She doesn't deserve it because so much of things are her fault. Dylan being captured and treated the way he was. The Slide Projector being in the hands of the Bureau. The Hiss. Even... even the amount of loops has to be in part to her own fault. How can it not be? She forced the story to go her way. They could of solved it so much quicker if she hadn't been so insistent... ]

I'm not blameless in anything. [ No further comment is made. The tone of guilt is clear enough in her voice. ] We're two people who have been messed up by otherworldly forces. Being not-normal is... that's enough. More than enough. Even if there are struggles sometimes.

Unintentionally wouldn't matter. Ordinary was screwed up enough. I wouldn't want to cause that to break down too. I'm sure she wouldn't either. [ A sharp inhale and a tilt of her head back into the pillow. Red hair frames her face, coming down slightly over the shoulder that he doesn't lean into. ] I doubt you or the other version of you would let us disappear without a trace.

[ Her gaze softens and she looks away from him. A small frown appears. Clearly, it's not just a thought that her other self has. She feels unable to measure up to Alice. She's sure that Alice Wake would have been able to help with his night terrors--his inability to eat, or sleep, or step outside. Alan had only spun out because of a source outside their marriage. If she was still there then she could of helped Alan so much more than what Jesse is able to do for him.

« I'm not even good at comforting. » ]

It's not that easy though, is it? Just being ourselves. Having an alien resonance that talks to us in our heads. Not knowing the best way to help or be normal in a relationship... when you need it. When he might need it.

[ A sigh of frustration before she waves her free hand as if to dismiss the thoughts and conversation. She doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want him to know how she feels inferior to help him if it's not in the realm of weird. That isn't for him to deal with. That's her shit. He has enough on his plate.

Her hand wraps around the remote again. A few more notches down, but the LEDs are still on.

She rests her cheek at the top of his head and just closes her eyes. ] We'll figure it out.

Thanks. I mean it. Thanks for everything you're doing. For helping. For not running when no one would blame you for running. [ He knows how he looks, how he sounds. He looks like someone who hasn't slept well in days. He feels all right, considering he barely eats, or eats at all, most days. Maybe he's still in survival mode, and that's keeping him going. But how sustainable is it, really? It's probably not sustainable at all.

Beneath it all, he feels ripples of anxiety, of stress, and he doesn't really know what to do about them. He doesn't know how to let go and just live.

Still, it doesn't matter. Jesse needs to see that he's appreciative, and also that he's improving. Except he doesn't feel like he is, and he thinks he can see that in her eyes too: a worry that he's not getting better, that maybe he'll be like this forever. Can he really subject her to a lifetime of a life like this? ]

You were a kid when all this happened to you. How were you supposed to know what to do? You handled it how you could, with what you had at the time. No one expected you to make adult decisions, and if they did, well, then, they'd be wrong.

[ He forces himself to breathe through his nose in an effort to make himself relax. Tension is coiling itself up in his shoulders and in his back, and he's trying to push it back down. They need to rest; she needs to sleep. She's the one who still goes to work and deals with who knows what during the day. He can't be selfish and keep her from getting the rest he needs. He knows he's spent too long being selfish already. ]

It would matter, because none of it would be your fault. Maybe the fault for all of this lies with me. With him. I really am selfish.

[ I dragged her into this without so much as asking, and I went after her because part of me wanted to be with her, even if I didn't realize that's what it was at the time. I'm a selfish ass.

A conflicted look pulls at his face even though he tries to push it away, to remain impassive. He wants these internal struggles to go away, but they just don't seem to want to go. ]

Maybe what we need is to meet in the middle. Maybe I should need less. Demand less. It's not your job to take care of me.

[ He feels her rest her cheek against the top of his head, and for what he intends to be only a second, he allows his eyes to briefly close too. ]

Edited 2024-06-01 07:03 (UTC)

Running isn't really my thing.

[ Not since Ordinary. She can't run away; can't turn her back. Too many things go wrong. All the damage to the Oldest House with the Hiss is because she showed the Slide Projector to Darling and Trench.

They'll figure it out. They have to. All of this can't be for nothing. Alan fought so long to get out of the Dark Place. It can't just fall apart now that he's home. He can't fall apart. ]

Well, I'm not a kid now. Time to learn and not repeat. Right? Time to learn from the mistakes and not repeat them.

[ A hand timidly rests between his shoulderblade with her cheek to the top of his head. She's never been good at comforting. It probably doesn't help. Still, she's trying to do what she can for him. ]

Isn't... part of things like this to care for each other? I've--none of my relationships really ended well. Obviously. Still, I didn't let any of them in. That's different here. Which means I repay the favor and take care of you.

[ Maybe it should be, in this case. In my case. Anyone else would leave rather than deal with... this.

But even as he thinks that, he knows that if she ran away, he'd sink again and hit rock bottom, and this time, there wouldn't be recovery. With nothing keeping him afloat, he knows he wouldn't make it very long. Willpower alone wouldn't be enough. ]

That goes for me too, but I don't know if I can do it this time. I'm going to try, of course. I won't be like that person back in 2010. [ Alan's not sure how this will go, but he knows he doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes that he made back then.

He needs to face his problems and not try to drown them out with the things he tried before. Can he do it? He hopes he can, but whether he really can or not is anyone's guess.

Instinctively, he moves to meet the hand at his shoulderblade. Her touch always draws a response from him, makes him seek out her touches instead of pulling away from them. She might think it doesn't help, but it does. It relaxes him. Reminds him that he's home. This is real. ]

Maybe, but... this isn't going to be easy. And even when things were good, back before all this started, it wasn't easy. Now, it really is different.

[ I have her with me, and I love her, but it's going to be hard. Really hard. I'm afraid she'll want to run, even if she says she doesn't.

Out loud, he says: ] There's no favor that you need to pay back. You paid it in all the loops, and outside the loops too. But if you let me just be with you, and let me make up for those other relationships, that's... that's enough.

[ And then he shifts again, still searching for more of that closeness, that touch that helps relax him. ]

[ Jesse is quiet for a moment. ] Maybe being something like you were in 2010 isn't entirely a bad thing. [ She pauses, trying to find the best way to say what is on her mind. ] He had a sort of confidence--the other you. I mean, he wasn't sure on everything. But, once he decided something? I could tell he'd find a way to make it happen.

Maybe that's the part you need to find again. [ « The Dark Presence didn't take that from him. He just doesn't realize it. » ] Just like I had to relearn how to trust people; believe that some of them could be trusted.

Nothing is ever easy, Alan.

[ A finger raises and pokes him gently between the shoulder blades. ] You are here with me, aren't you?

[ Maybe she won't notice with the ambient lighting turned down, but something in Alan's eyes seems to darken and his lips turn down as if he's remembering something unpleasant. ]

Confidence, or arrogance? [ Maybe he's judging his past self too harshly, but truthfully, he doesn't like him very much. Actually, he doesn't like himself very much even now. ] I guess he was probably a lot better at following through on things. He probably didn't leave things unfinished, things that people bought for him.

[ He's thinking back to the takeout that she bought which he didn't eat. For some reason, that still bothers him. ]

Yeah, maybe. And since there's no handbook on how to do that, I guess I just have to try and hope for the best.

[ And with that thought in mind, he tries to force himself to sound confident and look confident too, even though he feels like he's anything but.

She pokes him between his shoulder blades and he shudders involuntarily, but not out of discomfort. It's a kind of pleased reaction, and something like a muffled laugh escapes him. ]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you, but- [ He shrugs lightly and says: ] It's your apartment, so if you ever changed your mind, I'd leave if you told me to.

[ He'd ask if she's sure, but if she insisted, then he'd just go. ]

I want to be with you, and I want to make you happy, so I'm going to work harder to get better.

Edited 2024-06-02 21:14 (UTC)

Maybe a little bit of arrogance, but, it was definitely confidence. [ Something she has seen in her Alan from time to time. She'd never say it, but, it's incredibly attractive when he becomes confidence. A certain determination and heroism fills him. She can't help but smile when he is that way. The best version of himself she wishes he'd realize is always there. ] That depends on what you'd count as unfinished.

[ « Being involved with someone and then jumping into a threshold of another dimension could be considered "leaving things unfinished." » ]

I'm pretty sure that you being on the lease counts as our apartment, Alan. [ Another poke, this time a bit sharper. ] You're not a guest. You're not staying for a small time then leaving. You live here. Right? It's home.

[ « Or... maybe it really isn't and he's just been saying it. I doubt that. He fought too hard to get here so we could have this. Maybe he can't see that he is here for good. » ]

Not just for me. You need to do it for yourself too.

[ Alan has to force himself to not roll away from her as feelings of inadequacy start to bubble to the surface. He feels like the person he was drowned years ago, and even if he didn't, he doesn't know how to bring that part of him back to life. He might have moments of being clearheaded, but that's hardly the kind of confidence she's talking about.

At least, he can't see that he's ever been very confident around her, and that just makes him despise himself more. ]

I count everything as unfinished. Leaving you behind before. Starting to do things around the apartment and wandering off before I've finished them. Even trying to pick up where I left off thirteen years ago. I know you can see how well that's going.

[ The sharper poke pulls him out of his thoughts that are trying to run away again, but he still finds himself at a loss for how to really respond. He still thinks of this apartment as hers: it's a place she let him into, a place that she carved out a space for him to use. Maybe he needs to reframe his thinking, to think of it all differently. ]

I think... I think I was so focused on escaping and coming home that I didn't really think about what "home" meant for me anymore. That probably doesn't make any sense, but I think that "home" for me was anywhere you were. It didn't have to be a building or a place, but as long as you were there, that's home.

I'll try for both of us. How does that sound?

[ Instead of poking, her hand spreads across the space between his shoulders. She gently pushes against him. There's no leaving, no running, no hiding. What do they have to hide from each other anymore? They've seen each other at their worsts. He's seen things about her she wanted no one to ever see about her. He may not remember that now.

That might be for the best. ]

Well, you've already finished one of those things. You came back.

[ The other things she can't say much on. She can see the evidence around the apartment of things he's forgotten to finished. Emily said memory problems were to be expected in people who have come back from thresholds. Alan was there for thirteen years. No one has a clear idea on how his memory is affected.

She doesn't want him to think of it as carving a space for him... but maybe that's exactly the problem. What in the apartment represents Alan? He has the room for his writing and has picked everything in it. Still, that's just one place. Nothing in the apartment that is picked to share them. Just, separate people cohabitating. That isn't what she wants.

Jesse is quiet for a moment. Her eyes close as her hold on him suddenly tightens. Who has ever told her that? The fact that she's considered home for anyone... ]

Well, I'm here. Which means we should build this place as our home. [ Her voice is in quiet tones again. Suddenly, she knows what they should be shopping for in the morning. He needs clothes, but they can also settle on little things that are theirs. ] Yeah. I think that trying for us is the best.

[ Her hand slides from his in order to wrap around him. A leg wraps around his as well. She settles further into the bed and the blanket around them. Subtle signs saying that it's time for them to sleep. Telling him is never really a good idea. ]

[ The feel of her hand spreading against his back, between his shoulders, sends a shiver up his spine, traveling all the way up to where her hand rests. Again, it's a pleased response, and he feels something like contentment wash over him when she pushes against him gently. This feels real. It is real. Her touch is real, as real as she is.

As far as what he remembers, it seems that his memories are sketchy at best, but what he doesn't know is that they're still in his mind somewhere... they've just become buried, hidden from him, but if he could just find the way to uncover them again, he'd remember everything in full. But like everything else he's having to contend with, uncovering them won't be easy.

Still, he has this instinctive feeling that they've seen each other at their lowest points, and they've shown things to each other that no one else has seen: things from their pasts, things they're not proud of. Moments they're not proud of. There really is nothing for him to hide from her now. ]

I came back because I made a promise that I would. I wanted to come back, for you.

[ He feels an overwhelming emotion sweeping over him then and he's forced to stop speaking. Not that he knows what he would say now; sometimes it feels as though he really has run out of words, and he comes to a point where he has nothing more he can say. The reservoir fills itself again with time, but it runs out much faster than it used to.

With his emotions running wild, he leans into her hold as if seeking that feeling of being held and being able to touch another person. He'd say he doesn't need anything more than just her touch, but of course that's not true.

He needs more than that; he needs to do more than what he's doing. He's resolved to give it his best shot, because he considers his words to that effect to be a binding promise as well. ]

Our home. I like the sound of that.

[ He manages to say those words even as she wraps herself around him, settling further into the bed. He knows what she's saying without so many words. It's time to sleep. He may not be able to manage it for very long, but at least he has her with him.

With his free hand, he reaches for her again, fingers lightly touching her red hair as he also settles himself further into the blankets. It's comfortable, even if it feels foreign to some degree. He still has to stop and marvel at these feelings of comfort and of being loved. He has to remind himself that this is real; it's not something in his mind.

His head turns slightly so that he's looking at her. ]

Love you. [ It's just two words, but he puts all the meaning that he can into them, knowing she'll understand. ]

You kept your promise and finished it. So, you have done good things, Alan. It's just hard to see them in the middle of everything else.

[ She does note the shiver and how he leans more against her. Jesse just wishes she was better at comforting. Being gentle. She's sure that at this point he needs something calmer. Things she can't really provide. All she can really offer is to punch or break anything that's bothering him.

As long as it's not in the mind.

Her head tilts down as he plays with her hair. Eyes slide open just enough to meet his gaze. A small smile and sparkle come to her expression. The tiny details that say more than any of her words could. She loves him. Deeply. ]

I love you too. [ She whispers it, almost afraid of someone other than him hearing it.

She shifts then to be able to rest against the pillow and look him in the eyes. Maybe that might better than pulling him close. Seeing and feeling her might be better. Jesse gently presses her forehead to his before letting her eyes shut in hopes of luring him to sleep as well. ]

Does that outweigh all the trouble that I caused? All the people who got caught up in this mess because of me...

[ Included in the things he sees in his dreams (nightmares?) when he manages to fall asleep for a little while are the people who were hurt or killed throughout the various loops that happened in his efforts to fix the story. He sees their faces, and although he doesn't know all of their names, each one feels like something he's responsible for. ]

I don't think I've done very many good things at all.

[ Jesse might think she isn't very good at comforting him, but Alan thinks otherwise. Even though Jesse's more the type of person to go in punching and hitting, when they're together, she's calm. Reassuring. She's everything he needs.

He continues touching her hair, lightly twining the strands beneath his fingers, pausing only when her eyes slide open just a fraction. He sees her smile and the sparkle in her eyes, and it makes him smile softly in return.

He can see that she loves him; he's never doubted it. The only thing he doubts is his ability to be what and who she needs.

She shifts, and he feels the movement next to him, but his gaze is drawn to her eyes as they shift to look at him. There's something mesmerizing about her eyes; something that just draws him in, and he doesn't resist the pull. Her forehead lightly touches against his as her eyes slide shut, and after a minute or two, his follow suit.

It takes time for him to really drift off into something like a light doze. He might even manage to reach a state of somewhat deeper sleep, but it's always short-lived. Some hours pass, and Alan's features have relaxed slightly as sleep has momentarily pulled him down. Having Jesse nearby helps relax him, but his senses still remain somewhat on alert.

Outside the apartment, a storm is brewing, and the wind is blowing and rain is falling. There's a crack in the sky and a flash of lightning, and another one follows soon after. The LED lights that Jesse left on but dimmed flicker once, and then again, and then they abruptly go out.

Alan shifts on the bed, a frown creasing his forehead and turning his mouth down. Something is setting off warning bells in his mind, and he shifts first to one side and then another, ending back where he started: facing Jesse. There's another thunderclap and Alan's eyes slowly slit open.

He's greeted by a darkened room. It's not pitch black, but his mind plays tricks on him: tricks he was hoping he was past, but very clearly is not. Shapes of things that he knows and would recognize in daylight morph into other things in the darkness, and he feels his breath catch in his throat.

The silhouette of a typewriter flashes before his eyes. There's a door with a spiral on it. There's someone in the room with him; he can hear the low but constant breathing. There's footsteps on the floor, and they're coming closer to him. He spots movement and the flash of something metal moving through the air. A click sounds; the clicking of a gun being readied to fire?

Alan tenses on the bed, one hand instinctively reaching out for Jesse, to try and find her hand to hold it. He fears what he might find, which is nothing: only empty air where Jesse's hand should be. Where Jesse should be. What if she never was there at all? What if none of this was ever real?

She's asleep, if she's actually there, and he doesn't want to disturb her rest, but he can't help but quietly say her name in a tone that's mostly a whisper. ]

... Jesse?

Edited 2024-06-04 08:26 (UTC)

OCEANVIEW PATHS

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject