[ He does want to be closer; he wants to try and help settle whatever was stirred up in her sleep. But maybe all he should do is just hold her hand and let her decide what they do next. He squeezes her hand in return, and the momentarily startled feeling gradually fades. It takes another second of internal debate, but his need to be closer to her wins over the feeling that maybe he should give her space. It takes a second to maneuver himself properly, but finally he comes to a stop with her legs resting on top of his. It might look odd to anyone observing, but this is their apartment, and the only ones around to see are the two of them. It doesn't matter to Alan what anyone else thinks about how they might look.
His tone of voice might change, but inwardly, Alan feels anything but assured. Determination? Hardly. Confident? Not at all. Uncertain is the best way to describe him. Maybe uncertainty is his permanent state of being. Maybe the best he can do is just try and muddle his way along and hope for the best. Still, that feels unfair to Jesse. ]
I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't- It's not fair to you to keep bringing her up. That was from another chapter, almost another life. We have our chapter now, our lives together.
[ He opens his mouth, intending to say something about how they should focus on her now, rather than continuing to focus on him, but she keeps going, and she asks another question. ]
What happened? Well... [ He has to pause again to try and dig for those faraway memories. ] I think I went into the lake. Maybe it was going back into the lake. I don't actually remember. But if I had the Clicker and whatever was on that page, then that must have meant that I knew what I had to do. I must have been trying to change the story even back then.
I guess that was the start of it: the start of all those attempts to find an ending that worked.
[ He brushes his fingers lightly against her hand as he contemplates this and what it means. Maybe it doesn't mean anything now that he's back. But maybe it does; maybe it'll always mean something: a long, twisting series of stepping stones that ended up bringing him home. ]
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His tone of voice might change, but inwardly, Alan feels anything but assured. Determination? Hardly. Confident? Not at all. Uncertain is the best way to describe him. Maybe uncertainty is his permanent state of being. Maybe the best he can do is just try and muddle his way along and hope for the best. Still, that feels unfair to Jesse. ]
I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't- It's not fair to you to keep bringing her up. That was from another chapter, almost another life. We have our chapter now, our lives together.
[ He opens his mouth, intending to say something about how they should focus on her now, rather than continuing to focus on him, but she keeps going, and she asks another question. ]
What happened? Well... [ He has to pause again to try and dig for those faraway memories. ] I think I went into the lake. Maybe it was going back into the lake. I don't actually remember. But if I had the Clicker and whatever was on that page, then that must have meant that I knew what I had to do. I must have been trying to change the story even back then.
I guess that was the start of it: the start of all those attempts to find an ending that worked.
[ He brushes his fingers lightly against her hand as he contemplates this and what it means. Maybe it doesn't mean anything now that he's back. But maybe it does; maybe it'll always mean something: a long, twisting series of stepping stones that ended up bringing him home. ]